//------------------------------//
// Chapter 12 - Survivor Guilt 
// Story: Never Be The Same 
// by Kickback 
//------------------------------//

Carry on, don't mind me. All I gave was everything.
And yet you ask me for more.
Fought your fight, bought your lie and in return, I lost my life.
What purpose does this serve?





What purpose do I serve?

What was this suppose to mean? Was this some twisted punishment for my very being in this world? Was this some kind of sign that I'm not meant for this place and never will be? Something to tell me that I should devote all my time and efforts in finding a way home? Why did this even have to happen? Is there a reason behind this? 

What purpose does this serve? 

I sat there in the grass for what felt like an unspoken measure of time. I stared blankly, solemnly down at the little yellow pegasus, still cradled within my arms. I watched as the small wet spots where my tears dampened her fur, dried under the warm rays of Celestia's sun. My eyes hurt and I felt dehydrated from the sheer loss of water that dropped for my tear ducts. She didn't wake up but she was okay, I listened intently to the slow, soothing breaths that worked in rhythm in time with the rise and fall of her chest. 

She was safe, she was okay. 

I, however, wasn't. 

The ever-growing guilt almost became a physical pain in my mind. The moments that had transpired before this played over and over in my head. I began to wonder what would have happened if I hadn't heard her, if I hadn't seen her and above all, if I hadn't caught her. 

Everything would've gone the way it should have. 

Scenes from my time back on Earth began to reflect in my mind. I remember the image of Fluttershy, the shy, young pegasus filly that couldn't fly to save her life. I saw the bright, beaming gleam in her large, beautifu eyes as she stared at the wonders of the Earth below her cloud-based home. A song began to play in my head and I found myself absentmindely singing along, though, much sadder than the original tune. 

"What is this place, filled with so many wonders? Casting it's spell that I am now under..." I muttered, my voice shaky and hollow with each slow syllable that escaped my throat. 

I began rocking back and forth, almost like an asylum patient, cradling the small filly tighter to my body as I stroked her long pink mane with little mind, almost mechanically...desperately. 

After a few moments, I hoisted the pegasus up in my arms and stood up, picking her off the ground with me and holding her with as much care as I could manage. 

Wordlessly, I turned and began trekking backwards, towards the road. Once I reached it, I walked back down the path up to the cottage. Back home. 

Up the road, across the bridge and up to the door. I barely paid any mind to the still clawed-in scratches in the wood as I hoisted Fluttershy onto my shoulder and reach in my pocket for my house key. I pulled it out and unlocked the door, kicking it open and swinging Fluttershy back in her more comfortable position, carefully. 

I trudged up to the faded green couch, my arms now showing that they weren't as strong as I hoped. With some minor relief, I laid the the fragile filly onto the the sofa, her head resting on the armrest...or hoofrest as I found what's it called here. 

Her small body only took up about a third of the couch, splayed out like she was. I stepped to the side and sat down on the opposite end, her back legs brushed against my thigh as I made to sit back into it, silently. 

And silent, I was. 

I don't remember how long I stayed there, staring blankly into the space of the cottage. The mind-numbing guilt was still aching at my mind with such dread, it's above my vocabrulary to describe. 

I kept asking myself; "What have I done?" Over and over until my mouth became too dry to talk, I didn't get up to grab some water though. I didn't get up, period. I began to question such things as "What might have been? " and "What's going to happen now?". I was completely uncertain of what would become of Fluttershy or everything, really. Did I just create a potential time-paradox? Was the universe going to implode over the fact that I saved a helpless child from death despite that she was going to be, regardless? 

I don't know. 

And because of that, I was scared. 

I was scared that I didn't know what was going to happen. I knew what was going to happen, eventually. I knew the future, at least some of it but now...now that I don't, I'm scared. 

But even as the fear crept in, it was washed away by the ever-growing sadness. 

I turned to look down at the sleeping filly and immediately, I unwantingly let out a choked sob. Then another. And another. 

The same revelation was carved into my head, I had just robbed Fluttershy...Fluttershy, of all ponies, sweet, kind Fluttershy...and I just stole her cutie mark from her. I had no clue whether she'd be a blank-flank forever or she would get it later in life but the possibility, even to me, sounded remarkably slim. 

I took her destiny away by saving her life. I should've just let her fall.  

By then, the tears were staining the fabric of the couch and my clothes. I leaned forward and clasped my hand around my head, the black strands of my hair clouded my vision but I simply couldn't care less. My eyes began to sting with the continous droplets of salty liquid that poured from them.  

"I'm just so...so sorry, Fluttershy...bloody Hell, I'm so sorry." I muttered, helplessly sobbing as I looked away from her and pulled back, unable to bare the shame. I didn't deserve to be anywhere near her. I didn't deserve to be anywhere near here. I deserved to be back home in my gloomy, pessismistic world and just continue to imagine what life here would be like, not actually live it. That way, things would be as they should. 

I should've never opened that fucking package.

"...a-are y-you...c-crying?" 

I fell silent upon hearing that voice. That soft, sweet, young voice, it's tone laced in confusion and concern. 

I tilted my head back towards the small pony, she was sitting a bit more upright and her right eye was fixed upon me, her opposite being shielded by her mane. She shifted her legs closer to her, I couldn't blame her for being a little bit cautious or afraid, for that matter. Our gazes and I stared into the single cerulean orb, graced by those long, dark lashes. 

She looked so innocent. 

"Uhh..." I sniffed and wipe my eyes with my hand. "Yeah but-uhhh, don't...don't worry 'bout it." I managed. She looked disheartened by that but nodded her head slightly. 

"Oh...okay." She responded simply, shifting to lay on her stomach with her hooves folded beneath her. 

I leaned back into the couch. "That was a bit of a drop ya had there, shela." I prompted, trying to give her a grin but it must've looked forced, Fluttershy just shied away, as if embarassed by it. "Sorry." I mended. 

We stayed silent for a good while before she, surprisingy, spoke up. "Were...were you the one who s-saved me?" She stuttered childishly but it uplifting to hear her speak. 

I nodded. "Yeah...yeah, that was me...didn't think I'd catch in time though, that was a mighty stroke of fortunate timin', tell ya that." 

I wish I never heard you. I thought bitterly. 

As I closed my eyes, feeling rather exhausted, I felt a firm weight cling itself against me. I looked down and saw the tiny pony's head bury itself into my chest. She squeezed around me tightly, tensing her young muscles as much as she could, as if I were her life-line. Brief squeaks came from her closed muzzle and she squirmed against me in the tight hug. I lifted an arm, which she noticed and began shift to move away but was cut-off by the inside of my elbow resting faintly on the back of her neck. Fluttershy once again held me as hard as she could and I simply sat there, returning the hug in kind, albeit much softer. 

"I-I thought that...that..." She barely managed. 

"Shhhh, it's okay. I know...I know it was scary, Fluttershy." 

"Thankyou...f-for saving me." 

"No worries, it's alright." 

The two of us fell silent at that, just her squirming into my shirt and me idly stroking the fur on her back.

Despite everything, my mind began to wander off to more...pleasant thoughts. A small smile etched it's way onto my face as I thought about the other future Elements of Harmony. I could only imagine the absolute beaming pride exuding itself from Rainbow Dash as everypony crowds around her and she stands there amongst them, chest puffed out and a smug closed-eyed grin on her face. I let out a chuckle as I envisioned little Pinkamena Diane Pie looking up at the sky and smiling widely at the bright hues of the Sonic Rainboom right before whisking away to create her first party for her family to all enjoy and bask in. I snickered under my breath as I heard a very cheerful set of excited words form in my brain. 

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!" 

I could recall the blatant shock on young Twilight's face, doubling after each revelation Tia had to give her, one after another. She certainly knew how to push ponies' buttons, even if it made them happier for it. The whole scene played in my head once more, I'm genuinely surprised I can remember it too. I relaxed a bit recalling the previous day and imagined what Rarity might be going through. I recall the massive rock at the edge of the cliff shattered in half, revealing dozens of jems and jewels inside. How she was going to bring them all back with her, I didn't know but whenever she would be back, the show wouldn't start without her, I had made sure of that. 

I gazed up at the ceiling, I had longed for this day ever since I got settled here and realised there was no going back. I had cherished the idea of seeing somepony find their destiny and obtain their cutie mark, it was just something I wanted to see. Now? I wish it hadn't been today. Leaving that thought aside, I began to feel a sense of anticipation.

Applejack was coming home. 

It had been too long since we'd seen eachother and even though that was partially my fault, I still missed her more than anything. 

Do I mean that? Did I miss her more than anything? 

I don't know but with every passing day, every passing month, I feel less...attached to home...connected to Earth. 

Sure, sometimes I feel a little bit homesick but most days I don't and I don't know why. That feeling mosty stems from the people that I was proud to call friends...Oh and gaming...And the Internet. 

I smiled with a warm heart, seeing the tiny orange filly bright emerald eyes light up from their saddened look and gaze at the sparkling colours of the rainbow trail leading her back home. I could only wish for her trip back to be swift, I wanted to be there at the train station to see her back. 

Heh...hopefully she hasn't forgotten about me. 

"...W-what's your name? That is! Umm...if you don't m-mind." Fluttershy's timid, soft voice brought me out from my wandering thoughts. 

I chuckled lightheartedly, she was still the same ol' pony. "It's Kyle, lass. Kyle Mercer." I began. "I already your name, Fluttershy." 

"Oh, okay..." She replied simply though I could sense the uncertainty behind it.  

After what felt like another hour, I glanced up at the clock and realised just how long it had been since I left the house the first time. It was well into the afternoon and it was then that I remembered that I had completely forgot about work today. I nearly slapped myself in the face at that. I knew Mrs. Cake would understand but still, it was the principal of the matter. 

I looked back down at the filly, who by now had fallen asleep. I couldn't blame her, not after what happened. Her small body rose and fell with each given breath and I felt cool air release from her nose and onto my arm with each exhale. I smiled and brushed away a stray strand of pink hair off her face and pull it back around her ear. 

With a nod, I scooped her up in my arms once more and carried her up the stairs and into my bedroom. I laid her onto what...was supposed to be her bed, reaching for a spare blanket from under it. She snuggled unconciously into the pillow and let out a soft sigh with the beginnings of a smile on her face as she continued to sleep. I sat down beside her and gently brushed my hand along her long pink waves of hair. She grinned sleepily when I scratched her behind the ear. 

So peaceful, so gentle...so fragile. 

I stood up and smiled down at her for a moment before walking over to my desk, pulling out a quill and piece of paper and sat down at the chair, mechanically beginning to write. 





Dear Tia 
I have been keeping something from you ever since my arrival here. I've kept this a secret for what feels like forever and I can no longer bare the burden of it. 

Princess, I have seen the future. 

You see, on my world, this is all fiction. Equestria is just a fake concept made to entertain. I have seen the events that will transpire in years to come. Your sister, Luna, will return on the thousandth Summer Sun Celebration but will be reformed by six ponies that will represent the Elements of Harmony. Discord will break free from his stone prison. Cadence will marry Shining Armor after the Changelings invade Canterlot. The Crystal Empire will return aswell, along with Sombra. Your former student, Sunset Shimmer will steal the Element of Magic.

I understand your skepticism and shock, Tia but I promise you, it's the truth. Why I write this now is... 

I sigh and look back over to Fluttershy. 

Is because I have tampered with destiny today, Celestia. I have stolen a small, sweet filly's cutie mark. I got in the way of her destiny and have forever damned her to a life without her life's true calling. I don't see any other way to redeem myself other than ridding myself of Equestria. 

Or going back in time, one or the other. 

So, I ask of you, please forgive me for hiding this from you. 

Your friend - Kyle. 

I picked up the page and scanned the flurry of cheap and rushed words. I scowled at each written sentence, looked back to the ever-burning green flame in the fire place then back to the page. With a tired grunt, I crumpled it up and threw it to the side with the other attempts of my confession. 

It needs to sound better. 

I chanced a glance out the window and found that the sun was looming just over the horizon, desperately trying to cast off it's orange light before the moon took it's place above Equestria. I turned to look back at the sleeping Fluttershy, she was still sleeping , as it would seem. I was genuinely surprised that she had slept for this long, I had originally taken her for a light sleeper but much to my disbelief, that wasn't the case. At least not in this case. 

It was as I went through my musings did I hear a swift set of knocks on the front door downstairs. Scrambling up the pieces of crumpled up paper, I hefted them through the house and dumped them in the bin in the kitchen before answering the door. 

The pony outside got about another two knocks in before I opened the door. "There you are!" 

I cringed a little at the outburst and looked down to see the green unicorn standing there with an irritated look on her face. "Lyra? What are you doing here?" 

"The question is; What are you doing here?" She pointed a hoof up at me, accusingly. 

"Uhhh, this is my house." I replied dumbly. "It's kinda where I live."

Lyra facehoofed but then looked up at me with a somewhat concerned expression. "You didn't come to Sugarcube Corner today! Mrs. Cake was actually started getting worried!" 

I rubbed the back of my neck. "Ahh, yeah, right. I-uhhh-" 

"I went there after school to see you but Mrs. Cake said you didn't punch in this morning...so, we waited." She casted a gloomy look up at me. "I wanted to tell you about this amazing thing I saw today." 

She managed to make me feel a bit guilty with that little endearing display. "Don't suppose you're talking about the Sonic Rainboom?"

"The Sonic what-what?" Lyra cocked an eyebrow in confusion. "Wait..." Her eyes widened. "Is that what it's called? I just thought it was some cool explosion."

I grinned knowingly. "Nup, somepony special made that blast this morning. Hell, pretty sure she got her cutie mark for it." 

"How do you know that?" She cocked her head to the side. 

"Just a hunch." I said, shrugging. However, on the inside I had the biggest shit-eating grin on my face.

"Oh, well, okay." She managed, unsurely. "But hang on, you never said why you didn't show up." Lyra gave me the best glare she could manage at that. 

Frankly, it was adorable. 

I sighed, leaned forward and stared at the ground. "I was...taking care of somepony." I breathed. 

I felt Lyra's inquisitive stare on me as she asked; "What? Who?" 

I invited Lyra inside and to take a seat on the couch before I started explaining, I wasn't going to force her to sit outside with me in the doorway telling her about this morning. I slouched beside her and began recapping the events of this morning in all necessary detail, mostly just covering that I saw somepony falling and saved them. That seemed to be enough for the little unicorn as her eyes grew wide and she bounded over to me, grinningly madly. 

"You're a hero, Kyle!" She proclaimed. I let out and a light chuckle that may have come out as a scoff and scratched my neck. "Oh, wait 'till I tell everypony how you saved somepony's life!" 

"Hey, take it down an octave, she's sleepin' upstairs." I chided though I couldn't hide the small grin between the patches of hair on my face. Damn whiskers.

"Oh, right, sorry." Lyra ceased incesseive bouncing on the cushions and rubbed her foreleg with a hoof absentmindedly. 

"No worries but-uhh, can ya do me a favour, Lyra?" I asked. 

"Sure, not a problem, what is it?" And like that, she was right back to that cheery state of hers. 

"Can ya tell the Cakes why I wasn't there today? Ya can also tell 'em that I'll put in double the work tomorrow if they want." I smiled trustingly at her. 

Lyra gave a firm nod with a mock salute and I rushed forward and ruffled her two-toned mane, almost violently. She swatted away at my arm with her hooves in vain to get me to stop which only prompted me to swing my other arm around her neck and bring her in under it. She grumbled between giggles as I held her in a firm but playful head-lock and scrunched up her unkempt mane even further. On the off chance, my hand hit her horn and unlike what I had thought, it wasn't just dead bone protruding from her skull but had a certain...warmth to it, like it had a heart-beat of it's own. 

The little green unicorn flailed her hooves at me to break free, laughing all the while between squirms of effort and chiding demands like: "Quit it!" and "Lemme go, Kyle Haha!" 

Eventualy, she decided to bite down on my forearm with her flat teeth. 

"Argh, damnit, Lyra!" I uncoiled my arm to shake away the pain and she laughed victoriouslly as she scrambled around my back and held herself up on my shoulders. She looped a hoof around my neck and gave me a taste of own medicine. 

The fact that I was using an open palm was then regretted when she dug her stern and hard hoof into my scalp and rummaged violently into my long, black hair. 

"Gotcha now!" She exclaimed victoriously just as I stood up and flailed about, trying to pry her off of me. 

Eventually, our excessive mock-wrestling came to a halt with the two of us splayed out on the lounge room floor. Lyra and I shared the same happy, tired expression, breathing content deep breaths alongside one another, staring up at the ceiling. 

For as long as I can remember, I've never been good with kids, from what I've gathered, Lyra was barely eleven years old by then. I was never one to actually enjoy spending time with anyone much younger than me, growing up, I was quite the loner and despised my step-siblings that my mother had gotten me related to. Over the years, I began to bare with it a bit more and be a bit more tolerant and sensitive with preteens and alike though I'd never spend time with an infant if I had the choice. 

I was just that kind of spiteful kid, that way. 

With Lyra though, it was different. I didn't feel like I was too old to be friends with her, I didn't force myself to smile, talk or play with her. I admired her, not for what she was but who she was. To me, she was like a sister that I never really had and I was never without pride knowing that she considered me just as close. It was an honor to me, really. 

Then she turned on her side abruptly and stared up at me with that same joyful beam on her muzzle. 

I had known her for little over six months and she'd been my best friend through all of it. 

Lyra snuggled herself into my arm suddenly and closed her eyes blissfully. 

"You're the best, Kyle." She said softly. "I love you." 

Those words...they burrowed into my chest and warmed my heart like a small sun. 

I...I didn't know what to say or do, for that matter. My initial reaction was blatant shock but as the seconds ticked by like small eternities, I let the full weight of her words settle in. 

She loved me. 

And if I'm honest with myself...I can say that I love her too. 

I inhaled a content, happy breath and smile warmly down at her. "Right back atcha, lil' sis." 

Lyra beamed again and snuggled her head into my chest again as I idly stroked her now, very unkempt mane. 





I smiled at the memory of  that night, still sitting perfectly still on the couch next to Fluttershy. I reach over to scratch behind her ears but seeing the bloody scars on my forearm keep me way. I look down to see my still mangled clothing that I was Athena was going to have a go at me for. I hope she wouldn't be too mad to never tailor again for me, I can't just live in the same clothes until Rarity opens up her shop. God knows how long that'll be.

I cringe as I feel a stray gust of cool wind blow through the house and sweep over my exposed tears of flesh. I really should bandage myself up, maybe there's some first aid supplies in the cabinate in the bathroom. I haven't checked. 

I glance up to the window by the front door, of which is slightly ajar. Outside, I can see nothing but thick haze of black and only a few stray leaves of the trees outside are illuminated by Tia's moonlight. 

For as long as I've lived here, I've never peered into the darkness and felt safe or easy. There was always this sense of dread, of being watched, of imminent danger. Sometimes I caught sight of a pair of eyes or heard a pair of long, boney claws scraping the against the house. 

Tonight? Nothing. 

For everytime I peered out into the void of darkness, I always cringed and felt my heart drop and try to ignore it. 

Tonight...a content, satisfied and malicious grin spread itself across my face. 

No more...it's over. 





As the old phrase goes; "All good things must come to an end." 

Well, that's the way it went. By the time the both of us had settle down, it was well into twilight hours. Lyra had asked if she could stay here tonight, a "Sleep-over" she called it, sometimes, she was such a kid. She assured me that her parents would understand if she told them in the morning but I was on a different track than her. I refused her request, much to her dismay but I told her that it was because of Fluttershy and that she needed to adjust slowly and I needed to keep my full attention on her. 

Lyra seemed disheartened but understanding, she was a smart filly, after all. 

I told her to be safe and to hurry home, I didn't like leaving her to walk the path into town herself but I trusted her to be careful. She reminded me that she would back me up tomorrow at Sugarcube Corner, seeing that it would be closed by the time she got there. 

She waved. "Bye, Kyle!" 

I nodded. "Catya, Lyra." 

With that, I shut the door. 

With a sigh, I turned and walked up the stairs to find Fluttershy, still sleeping peacefully, cozy and content despite the noise the two of us had caused. I smiled, though with a tinge of sorrow and trudged back down into the lounge room. 

It was certainly an eventful day and I had a feeling that it was going to become a reaccurance for a while. 

With a heavy mind, I sprawled myself across the couch and stared up at the ceiling. 

"...What am I gonna do?"