Rarity slammed the door shut the instant Rainbow Dash was outside. A quick glance out the nearby window confirmed that the love-struck pegasus was actually flying home. Rarity released a sigh. Getting Rainbow to leave had been more of a chore than all the preparations she had made for Twilight’s flopped date. It wasn’t surprising that Rainbow had been quite persistent in wanting to spend the night with Twilight, but that was simply against the spirit of the contest.
Rarity turned to find Twilight slumped in her seat at the table. "Darling? Are you alright?"
Twilight perked up briefly. "Huh?"
"You look a bit lost, darling. Care to share what’s bothering you?"
Twilight’s expression swiftly turned sour. "Oh, that,” she grumbled. “It's probably got something to do with the fact that I now have one of my best friends competing with one of the two rulers of all of Equestria to see which one gets to make out with me on a regular basis.” — she shot a nasty glare at her friend — “Nothing major."
Rarity remained unfazed. She had been expecting some sort of negative reaction to come out at some point. Honestly, she was glad to be able to address Twilight’s concerns sooner, rather than later. "No one likes a smart-alec Twilight," she replied with a disarmingly neutral tone.
Twilight groaned before allowing herself to slump to the ground. Worry replaced irritation as Twilight responded. "I'm sorry, really I am, but this is so much to take in. A few days ago the thought of ponies taking any romantic interest in me was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I have two at once. And mares at that!"
This drew a curious gaze from Rarity. One of the white mare’s brows rose as the potential implications of that last statement sank in. She knew it was potentially a touchy subject, but if Twilight wasn’t interested in her suitors that way, it would only cause problems later on. Still, Rarity decided that caution was the best approach; she chose her words carefully. “Is it a problem that the two courting you are mares?”
“Yes!” Twilight exclaimed.
Rarity winced at the sheer energy behind the statement. “Am I correct in assuming that you aren’t attracted to mares, then?”
“I don’t know!” Twilight shouted hastily.
That was not the answer Rarity had expected. She slowly approached her friend and took a seat next to her. “Now, Twilight, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I know this can be a sensitive personal subject, but I really need you to be honest with me.” When Twilight remained silent, Rarity continued. “If you aren’t attracted to mares, then this entire situation is only going to get worse if you don’t do anything.” Rarity waited a moment before placing a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Do you want to call everything off? If you do, I’ll help you explain everything to Rainbow Dash and Luna.”
Twilight rolled onto her side and turned her head to look up at Rarity. "I don't- I don't know. I… I just, it never really occured to me. I mean, I never actually looked at a mare that way before."
Rarity shifted her expression to a more sympathetic one. "Have you, looked at any stallions that way before?"
"A few." Twilight blushed as she recalled a few memories of certain activities she would dare not share with anyone. Ponies tended to look down on casually discussing observations of certain anatomical features, at least as far as she understood. "I mean, there is Applejack's brother."
Rarity failed to notice the sly grin that crept onto her face. "Every mare, and at least a few stallions, look at Big Mac that way."
Twilight responded to that knowledge with a nervous giggle. When the room fell silent, she assumed Rarity was waiting for her to continue. "You know Time Turner? He is kind of cute too."
Rarity nodded. "Well, so you like stallions. While this is something that really should have come up sooner–"
"It did! I told Luna!" Twilight interjected.
The white mare’s brow furrowed. “And she is trying to court you in spite of that?”
“Ah, well… yes.” Twilight hesitated. “And, she might have tried to buy me as her official consort by offering me one of her guard’s services as compensation. Apparently, there are some ancient laws about courting the Princesses that involves a lot of legal stuff that I’m not familiar with.”
"She tried to what?!" Rarity shouted. She quickly found her opinion of Luna to be slipping down a muddy slope, only to tumble off of a cliff into a bottomless pit. However,Twilight came to Luna’s defense much faster than Rarity would have liked.
"Maybe ‘buy’ isn't the right word here,” Twilight countered, a nervous tone pervading her voice. “She was trying to pay me really, just using one of her guards.” — she let out a stilted laugh that did nothing to improve Rarity’s mood — “I think she mentioned other compensation as well. I can't quite remember, I was a bit blindsided."
Rarity nudged Twilight, motioning for her to sit up properly instead of lying on the floor. A serious conversation required serious posture. Rarity leveled a disapproving gaze at her friend as Twilight rose into a more proper position. "So, she tried to bribe you into being her sex slave by offering you your own, sex slave?”
“I think so,” Twilight replied meekly.
“Twilight, that's not better!" Rarity punctuated her exclamation with a stamp of her hoof.
Twilight straightened up at the sudden outburst. She scrambled to formulate a response. "She says there are certain laws regarding this sort of thing–"
Rarity was quick to interrupt. “Twilight, I can almost guarantee that any laws that permit this kind of behavior are long gone. I cannot imagine Princess Celestia would allow such things to still continue in this day and age."
There was a certain fire in Rarity’s eyes that reminded Twilight of the times her mother had scolded her as a filly for doing something she wasn’t supposed to. So, she did the only sensible thing she knew how to do in this situation; she wilted like an unwatered flower. "I know, and I am sure you’re right, but Luna might not know that. You remember how she was at Nightmare Night? She is just doing what she remembers as being right in her time. I don't think she is trying to be demeaning or anything."
“Twilight,” the motherly tone somehow made Twilight shrink even more, “you are trying awfully hard to defend Luna considering how uncomfortable you’ve claimed she was making you feel. Whether Luna has good reasons to behave the way she has, or not, you have to admit that she’s treating you like an object instead of a pony.” Twilight nodded slightly. “Now, I don’t care if she is a princess, it is simply unacceptable for her to be acting this way.”
Rarity waited for Twilight to respond, but she was only treated to the silence typical to a library. She released an exasperated sigh. “I can’t help you if I’m doing all the talking here, darling. Can you at least tell why you’ve been tolerating her behavior?”
"Well, her kisses were really nice." The lavender unicorn’s expression reminded Rarity of a certain yellow pegasus she knew.
A white hoof met its owner’s face. “Twilight, I’m being serious. You just told me that you aren’t even interested in mares that way–” Twilight suddenly interjected.
“Actually, I said that I’ve never looked at a mare that way before,” she stated matter-of-factly.
Rarity gave the lavender unicorn an incredulous stare. “I’m not going to help if all you want to do is mince words, Twilight.”
Twilight responded with surprising enthusiasm. “I’m not mincing words, I was clarifying a misinterpreted statement!”
“Unless you intend to tell me that you suddenly discovered that your preference for stallions has been a lie and that you’re actually attracted to mares, I don’t want to hear it.”
"Well, what other explanation is there!"
Rarity took a deep breath. She was very close to being frustrated. Not specifically at Twilight, just in general, about everything involving Twilight this evening. She had to remain calm and rational. With ever-so-slightly-rejuvenated nerves, she addressed her friend. “Well, darling, you could possibly be bisexual.”
Twilight stared back at her as if she had just claimed that the sun and moon moved on their own.
“You have no idea what that is, do you?”
Twilight shook her head.
Rarity took a few more deep breaths before continuing. The idea that the explanation for Twilight’s confusion could be so simple was a relief. However, the idea that she had missed something so simple was more agitating than she expected. “You see...” the words died before ever escaping her lips. Rarity knew she had to be very, very clear and not at all accusatory with her choice of words. It wasn’t Twilight’s fault that she had apparently been the most sheltered pony to ever live in a major city. As if by some divine grace, Rarity shifted her gaze to the myriad of books that covered nearly every available flat surface in the room. And then she promptly remembered that it was, in all likelihood, entirely Twilight’s fault for being a cloistered hermit. Rarity sighed, regardless of the circumstances, there was no reason to delay any longer.
Rarity returned her gaze to the hopeless unicorn in front of her. “It’s, well, it’s when a pony happens to find members of either sex attractive. It isn’t particularly common, but it is hardly rare either.”
For a few long moments, Twilight did nothing. At the exact moment after the silence had become noticeably awkward, Twilight responded. “Wait, you mean a pony can like both?”
Rarity could feel the last of her nerves snapping slowly like a rope coming undone by the threads.
Twilight took her friend’s silence as a confirmation. “Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?”
The last thread broke. Rarity screamed in frustration; like a lady.
Twilight cautiously lifted a hoof in case she needed its protection. “Um, is everything okay?”
“How could I possibly...!?” Twilight was certain she saw smoke.
“Ah, well… Sorry?” Twilight offered.
Rarity’s left eye was twitching like Pinkie after twenty-six too many cupcakes. “Excuse me for a moment,” she stated firmly before marching into the kitchen and slamming the door behind her. Twilight wasn’t certain how Rarity had managed to slam a swinging door.
Soon after Rarity’s exit, Twilight heard the distinct sound of a frustrated unicorn from somewhere beyond her kitchen door. She waited patiently for a few moments before Rarity calmly reentered the room sporting a chic red line across her forehead that Twilight assumed was the result of the second slamming sound she heard moments ago.
Rarity spoke with a perfectly normal tone. “Alright, we will be continuing this discussion tomorrow after I’ve had some time to genuinely relax. It’s wonderful that you’ve had such an important epiphany about your sexual preferences, but I’m afraid today has taken its toll on me.”
Twilight hadn’t realized how tense she was until every muscle in her body relaxed in unison. The prospect of sleep was close at hoof. Nice, restful, sleep that wouldn’t be interrupted by sudden visitors. All that was standing in her way was the remains of the night’s meal littered about the dining table. However, before she could make a move to start cleaning up, Rarity began ushering her towards the stairs to Twilight’s room. “Uh, don’t you want me to help clean up?”
“Nonsense, I’m positive you need rest even more than I do after everything that’s happened. Besides, I prepared the meal, so clean up is my responsibility. Now, off you go,” Rarity stated with one final push towards the stairs. The white mare promptly turned around and set to work on her task.
Twilight turned and made her way up the staircase towards her peaceful night’s rest.
Rest did not come immediately.
The door to her room closed quietly. Twilight looked around her room; she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. It was only a moment later that it clicked. Her candles were all lit.
Her face scrunched in confusion. She was positive that she hadn’t even lit them today. But, before she could run through her mental checklist of the day’s events, she was caught by surprise.
“Greetings, Mistress!”
Twilight spun around to find three of Luna’s guards proudly saluting her. At first she was baffled as to how she could have missed them when they were clearly making no effort to hide from her. However, that quandary was swiftly pushed aside to make way for more important questions. “What?” she asked. It was a perfect summation of all of her questions, even if it was severely lacking in finer details.
The guards relaxed from their salute, though ‘relaxed’ to a royal guard was still a fairly rigid proposition. The room sat in silence for a decidedly awkward moment as the guards shifted nervously in place, clearly unsure how to answer such an important question. Bravely, the one in the middle spoke up. “I beg your pardon, Mistress, but could you clarify your question?”
“Okay, how about you start by explaining what you three are doing in my room?”
The three replied in unison. “We are here under Her Royal Highness Princess Luna’s orders. Our duty is to serve you in whatever way you see fit, and to attend to any and all of your needs and desires!”
Twilight could practically hear the sweet siren song of her bed drifting farther and farther away. Every distraction was precious time she wasn’t asleep, and her mind was already made up. “I’m going to sleep,” she stated flatly. She turned to make for her bed, but was swiftly intercepted by the three distractions.
“How may we assist, Mistress?”
Twilight set her jaw, her ears twitching at the serene call of her mattress. Irritation crept into her voice. “Let me get to my bed.”
The three guards nodded affirmatively. Two promptly flanked the purple unicorn, grabbing hold of her as their wings began to flap. It was a short flight before Twilight was gingerly deposited onto her bed. Unable to resist the temptation of sleep, she let go of her irritation, placing it somewhere under her pillow for safekeeping, and crawled under the covers. As her head felt the cool touch of her pillow, she was suddenly jolted from the promise of peace as the three guards all attempted to fit themselves onto her tiny, one-pony bed.
She reached under her pillow to retrieve her frustration as she sat up to glare at the three distractions keeping her from a sound slumber. “What do you think you are doing?”
The guard in the middle responded. “It was heavily suggested that we should share your bed, Mistress.”
“By who? Luna?”
They nodded stoically.
Twilight released something caught between a sigh and a guttural growl; the guards shrank. “For your information, I never asked for your services. I can’t even fathom why Luna would think that forcing you three to act like some kind of harem attendants for me would somehow improve her standing with me, but you can fly right back to her and tell that I do not support forced servitude!”
The three guards immediately scrambled off the bed. As Twilight glared harshly at them, they cautiously peeked at her over the footboard. The middle one raised a hoof, much like a student wanting to speak.
Twilight sighed. “Yes, you can speak.”
“Actually, I volunteered to be your servant.”
Twilight rolled her eyes at his remark. “Oh, right, because you wanting to be a sex slave is so much less creepy.”
The guard on her right promptly raised his hoof.
“You don’t have to ask permission to speak,” Twilight snapped.
“I only volunteered because I wanted to serve Her Royal Highness in whatever way she requires.”
The tired mare forced herself to stifle a groan. “That’s still sounds kinda creepy, honestly, given what you volunteered for.”
The final guard raised his hoof. Twilight was not able to suppress her growing irritation. “I said you don’t have to ask permission to speak.”
“I thought you were only saying that to him,” the guard replied innocently.
“Whatever, just go ahead and tell me why you wanted to be in this creepy little harem.”
The guard answered happily. “Actually, I just like being ordered around by mares.”
Twilight stared blankly at him, waiting for some punchline that would never come. After a few moments, she realized he was being completely serious. She promptly plopped her head down on her pillow and pulled the covers over her head. “I’m done. Going to sleep now,” she mumbled, her voice muffled by the covers.
“What are your orders, Mistress?”
“Go to sleep!” Twilight growled from her useless hiding place.
The three sounded off in succession, from right to left:
“Do you desire any cuddling?”
“Or a massage?”
“Or would you like us to sing you a lullabye?”
Twilight seethed with irritation. It was a simple order, yet these goofs couldn’t even go to sleep without making an ordeal of it. She popped out from under the covers and shouted. “No! None of that! Go. To. Sleep!”
The guards saluted their mistress before promptly falling asleep standing up. That they were all facing directly at her only served to unnerve Twilight even further. Try as she might, sleep did not come easily that night.
It was shaping up to be a good night for the princess of the sun. It was one of those rare occasions when her duties for the day had been fulfilled early, allowing her a precious few hours to relax in the evening before bed. A tidy stack of paperwork sat on a desk in the corner of her room as a monument to the day’s accomplishments. A book, halfway finished, sat on the end table by her bed; accompanied by an empty mug of an already-forgotten drink and a plate with naught but a fork to indicate there had ever been a slice of a marble cake with raspberry frosting upon it.
The contented alicorn lay buried underneath the silk sheets of royal purple, buffeting her from the slight autumn chill that had recently crept into the air at night. Even with her sister back, sleep had remained an oft elusive luxury, held ransom by politics and obligations. To have been able to curl up in bed so early was a prize unto itself. Nestled gingerly between her hooves rested one of her most recent comforts, a small plush figure of a little white unicorn with vibrant purple hair. Neatly tucked in, sighing contentedly, she began to let herself slip into a warm doze.
With absolutely no warning, Celestia was ripped from her contentment and slumber by the booming voice of her sister. “Art thou awake, dear sister?!” The royal exclamation was followed swiftly by the sounds of Luna’s hoof laying siege to Celestia’s bedroom door. The solar princess groaned as she pretended to be asleep, desperately hoping that a lack of an answer would deter whatever motivation her sister had for seeking her. Then, through the door, Celestia heard the most dreaded words in all existence. “Guards, We command thee to open this door.”
Luna barged into the room, not the least bit deterred by the lack of illumination, or the fact that her sister was curled up snugly in her bed. Luna marched right up to the royal bed and proceeded to request Celestia’s attention as only a sister could. The solar princess found herself falling victim to Luna’s hoof repeatedly jabbing into her back, just at the base of her neck.
This went on for several agonizing minutes before Celestia’s patience had finally run out. She rolled over to face her sister with the most menacing glare she could muster. “What is so important that it couldn’t wait until morning?” she spat.
Luna didn’t even flinch, responding as though this were any ordinary conversation. “I require thy assistance in order that I might familiarize myself with modern practices of courtship, specifically, the practice known as dating.”
"Still waiting on the part where this couldn't wait until morning, Luna."
Luna’s expression grew cold. “Ah, I must beg thy forgiveness. It appears that I was unaware that thy promise to always be there should I require thy aid was conditional upon the position of the sun.”
Celestia instantly deflated. “Luna, I’m sorry. You know I won’t turn you away if something serious is bothering you, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to explain to me why courtship advice can’t afford to wait a few hours.”
Luna averted her gaze. “No… Forgive me, that was unnecessarily harsh of me.”
“Come, sit down and we’ll talk. It’s clear enough that this is important to you, and normally I’d just be up doing some boring paperwork anyway.”
When Luna’s gaze returned to her sister, the warm smile that greeted her did nothing to alleviate the feeling that she was just making another mistake. To her surprise, her hooves carried her onto the bed, laying her down next to her sister before she could even decide whether she should leave or stay. A familiar white wing draped over her; it was warmer to her than any blanket.
Celestia waited patiently for Luna to speak. “Sister, I fear I have made a mess of things with thy student.”
The elder sister replied by tightening her wing’s hold over her younger sister, pulling the two together until they were instinctively leaning against each other, as much for comfort it brought their minds as for the warmth.
As Luna continued there was a clear struggle in her voice. “I have misread the situation. I had believed myself to be Twilight’s only suitor, but t’was only a false hope. To further mine own foolishness, I allowed mine temper to flare at the slightest of provocations.” Luna paused to take a slow, deep breath; it did not keep her voice from wavering. “I-I called for a competition.”
Had the younger sister been looking, she would have seen the dour shift of Celestia’s expression. “What is the challenge?”
“A series of dates,” Luna replied, her voice normalizing.
Celestia released a sigh of relief. “Good. For a moment, you had me worried you had challenged somepony to something dangerous.”
The midnight mare shook her head. “No, nothing dangerous. I am simply ashamed of mine behavior. Had Twilight’s friend not stepped in with this safer suggestion, I fear I may have done something truly worth regretting.”
Celestia leaned in for a quick nuzzle, which Luna promptly returned. The solar mare spoke with a note of warmth. “Then quit fretting over what didn’t happen and be glad that things are working out peacefully.” Her words brought a smile to Luna’s face, which in turn brought a smile to her own lips.
“Yes, you are right as usual.”
A white hoof rose up and lightly tapped a dark blue nose, drawing a quizzical look from the younger mare. “It’s a big sister thing,” Celestia remarked with a playful lilt. “Now, why don’t we move onto the important topic of discussion.”
Luna nodded energetically.
“Right. First, before we start, I want you to understand that I am not giving you the secrets to unlock Twilight’s heart. You need to do that on your own. What I can help you with is answering any questions you have about modern courtship.
“So then, what would you like to know?"
Luna pondered for a moment before giving the only reasonable response. "Everything."
"Everything?"
"Everything."
Celestia hesitated, not quite sure where to even begin explaining such a broad topic. If there was any chance that she could narrow the subject a bit, it was worth trying. "Can you, be a bit more specific?"
If Luna had been surprised by the request, she did not show it. She answered her sister calmly. "Specific about what? It has become painfully obvious to me tonight that I simply do not understand anything about how to court a mare in this era. I have never even heard the term 'dating' before this night, I do not know what will be expected of me."
Oh well, it had been worth a shot. At the very least the request had given Celestia enough time to decide where to begin. "A date is, well…” – her lips pursed as Celestia struggled to find the right words – “Think of it as a sort of 'friendship trial’. The whole point is to get to know each other better. Only instead of becoming friends, you sort of, feel out each other's compatibility."
Luna scoffed at her sister’s description. Already it sounded like modern culture had over complicated things. "But sister, I have already chosen Twilight Sparkle, this seems somewhat superfluous.”
The older mare could not hide the grin that crept onto her face. She had once been forced through this exact same learning process. At some point, a few centuries ago, the culture of courtship had seemingly morphed from something simple and honest into the flashy, drawn out show it was today, all without Celestia noticing. With that experience behind her, Celestia found herself in a most familiar role, that of a teacher. Mind and body alike slipped into the role, bringing out a calming tone in her voice. "The idea is to see how the two of you interact. To find things you both like to do or talk about. More than simply looking at each other as an ideal, you should be trying to get to honestly know each other. You need to learn who Twilight really is, not just who she is in your imagination or your idyllic fantasies. In turn, she will be doing the same, so you should make a point to show her who you really are. Show her Luna, not Her Royal Highness Princess Luna of Equestria and Ruler of the Night." Celestia’s grin evolved into a smile. She might not have been fond of the era’s preference for needless complexity, but some of the ideas in play had much positive potential for starting a relationship’s foundation. It was up to Celestia to guide Luna down that path.
A visible sense of confusion washed over Luna. "You wish for me to show her 'the real me', and not the princess, but is that not who I am? What am I if not the Princess of the Night?"
Celestia knew the answer, perhaps from a bit too much experience with it. She was happy that Luna could learn from her older sister’s mistakes. The white mare leaned against her sister a bit more. "Luna, everypony has more than a single side to them. A mare can be a mother to her child, but a lover and wife to her husband. We may be rulers of this land, but we are both still ponies behind all royal trappings and duties. You do not show the public the same side of you that you show to me in private. You would never let our subjects see you like this, see that you have emotions and vulnerabilities just like they do.” Celestia was quick to notice the dip in her sister’s mood. It wasn’t always easy to look at one’s weaker side, yet being able to share that side of you is a part of a lasting relationship. Even so, it was clear that Luna was in need of a little prodding. “And if I recall, it was Twilight seeing that vulnerable side of you that led to you two becoming friends."
Luna began fidgeting, her eyes averting to some spot on the wall. It reminded Celestia of how young fillies and colts acted when they didn’t want to speak. She playfully raised a white hoof up level with her sister’s head. “Luna,” she sang with a playful lilt. Instinctively, Luna turned her head around toward that mare calling her, except that instead of a warm smile, she was greeted with another light bop on her nose.
The midnight mare brought up a hoof of her own, waving the white attacker away from her face. “Must thou keep doing that?”
“Only until you stop letting me get away with it. Now, please stop stalling the conversation.”
Luna nodded.
“Alright, now then, do you agree that allowing Twilight to see that softer side of you played a part in the two of you becoming friends?”
The younger mare sighed. "I suppose that is true, yet, I do not know how comfortable I am exposing myself like that to Twilight so willingly. How could she respect me?"
Celestia countered quickly. "Has she shown you any less respect since Nightmare Night?"
Once more, Luna’s mood fell. Her gaze fell to the bed, while her answer rang with the sound of defeat. "She did not seem very interested in mine offer of compensation for her services as a consort."
"You…” – the solar mare’s composure cracked slightly – “Oh dear. Luna, I haven't made use of that in several centuries. I'm fairly certain our subjects aren't even aware of those old laws anymore. If anything, I would wager, based on what I understand of the current culture, that Twilight was probably put off by your offer because she thought you were trying to buy her body."
Luna’s gaze rose to meet Celestia’s, her brow furrowed, and eyes widening in surprise. "But I recited the relevant laws to her," she replied hastily.
Celestia released a quiet sigh. She made sure to keep her voice measured, so as not to upset her sister further. "Okay, but did you explain that the position of royal consort is actually just a legal formality to keep selfish and greedy ponies from having any legal or political sway just from being romantically involved with us? Did you tell her that you were offering her the position of consort because you are in love with her, or did you only mention the sexual benefits and implications of the position and the guard I assume you offered her?"
Having already been walking the line between calm and panic, the answer to Celestia’s question was a realization akin to pulling a rug out from underneath Luna. She did not land on the peaceful side of the line. "I, er…” her speech came to a halt. She swallowed twice, but could not clear the growing lump in her throat. Despite that impediment, her words began to come faster and faster. “No, no I did not. But I did not mean to imply that… It was never my intention to… Oh blood and ashes!” – Luna’s front hooves rose and fell as she tried vainly to relieve her frustration on an innocent pillow – “Why can't I do anything right? Now Twilight must believe I think her some common trollop! I should never have sent those guards to her!" she shouted, finally deciding that the battered pillow would serve her better by muffling her next scream.
"Did you happen to mean offered, and not sent?" Celestia asked cautiously once the stream of muffled obscenities had ended
Luna replied softly into the pillow.
“Luna, I can’t hear you if you keep talking into that pillow.”
The younger mare pulled her head up enough so that she could speak without impediment. "No, I had arranged for three of my guard to..." her voice trailed as a new realization sank in.
Celestia had preemptively begun to massage her temple with a hoof. "You forgot them at Twilight's and had given them orders to treat her as their mistress, didn't you?"
"Gah!" Luna pulled away from her sister, falling onto her back. "Now she must think even worse of my intentions! I am a hopeless fool!" Luna released another moan, sounding more than a bit petulant to Celestia's ears, while she kicked at the air.
“Luna,” Celestia sighed, “I know it is tempting to act like a child again, but I can’t help you at all if you keep throwing a tantrum.”
Luna promptly rolled over to her side so that she was facing her sister. “I liked it better when thou would at least indulge a bit in my theatrics,” she remarked with a sharp tone.
“And I liked actually being able to sleep between my days.” Celestia began to smirk, however, it died swiftly when Luna did not rise to her bait. "Luna, I am sure Twilight does not really believe you think her a harlot. If she did, you would not have come back here asking for dating advice."
"I know. I know she does not, but that is not the point," – Luna sighed – "Oh, how I must sound like, what is the expression, a shattered recording?”
“Broken record, is the saying,” Celestia calmly corrected.
The midnight mare’s ear twitched. That didn’t sound any different to her than what she had said. She flicked her tail a few times in a vain attempt to quell her rising irritation with her own linguistic ignorance. “See! I even managed to butcher such a simple expression! It feels as though I shall never truly adapt to this world. I feel... ignorant, and dumb.” – Luna nickered – “I hate feeling this way, Celestia. What’s more, I hate how it must make me appear to Twilight. I don't want her to think I am antiquated and stupid," Luna finished in a small voice.
Celestia smiled at her sister, "Luna, I promise you, Twilight would never think ill of you simply because you have not fully adapted to a thousand years of change within a few months. In fact, I suspect if you were willing to share this feeling with her that she would be more than happy to help you 'catch up,’ so to speak. She does enjoy educating others, after all. It would make an excellent topic of conversation."
Luna turned to face Celestia, her once serious expression having melted away into a display of weakness. "Truly, sister? Thou thinkest it would help me?"
Celestia let out a small giggle. "Yes, I do. I told you it was important to show how you were vulnerable. I believe, if anything, admitting this would raise her respect for you, not lower it. Now, why don't you stop being such a pouty face, and cheer up." Celestia punctuated this with another gentle press of her hoof against Luna's snout. Luna gave Celestia her best deadpan glare, but soon broke into a small grin. Which then in turn grew into a larger grin, and finally devolved into a brief spat of giggles, as Celestia gripped her sister once again in her wing.
Celestia continued, "I assume you at least have an understanding of the purpose of a date now, so shall we go over the kinds of activities involved with dating next?"
"Yes, let's move on."
"Very well. The most common activity for a date is for the two ponies to share a meal. Ideally, given your, uh, earlier unfortunate implications, you should make sure that the meal does not seem like an attempt to flaunt material wealth. A low key restaurant or even making a meal for her yourself would be a good way to start."
"Hmm," Luna mulled the idea over in her mind, quickly realizing that it would be a perfect opportunity to show Twilight that she too, enjoys the simple things in life. She mentally thanked Rainbow Dash for bringing that trait to her attention. "A self made meal, that sounds perfect,” – Luna’s front hooves clapped together, mirroring her excitement – “Dost thou have any suggestions, sister?"
Celestia knew she had to be especially careful here. She needed to pick her words with the utmost care. Her advice had to be completely impartial, so as not to give away any of Twilight’s quirks that Luna could easily exploit. At the same time, she also could not afford to give outright bad advice to her sister. Celestia hummed a bit, making of show of her thinking. After a few moments, she finally spoke. "If you plan to make the meal yourself, you'll need to choose a good location to dine.” – Celestia was suddenly struck with a wonderful idea – “Oh, if you prepare the food ahead of time you could make it a picnic! It's a fine time of year for one and being out away from a big city would provide an excellent view of the night sky. That would give you the chance to show Twilight who you truly are and still let you show off a bit as the Ruler of the Night."
"A picnic?” The younger mare’s expression swiftly brightened at the idea. “That sounds lovely! I should have little trouble with the food; some sandwiches and a cheese wheel or three. Oh, and bottle of wine–"
Alarms immediately went off in Celestia’s head. Luna’s lascivious behavior combined with alcohol’s tendency to lower inhibitions was practically guaranteed to end badly. Never mind what that would do to poor Twilight. She interrupted her sister in an instant. "You should probably forego bringing a fermented drink. If Twilight is as weary of your intentions as you believe she is, that might not send the right kind of signal for your first date. If you're truly concerned about how she perceives you, then it would be best to avoid anything that could be misconstrued."
"Hmph, I suppose you have a point.” – Celestia released a sigh of relief – “Perhaps some other kind of juice. In any case, what kind of fare would you suggest? I would like to make sure I bring something Twilight would enjoy."
Finally back to less dangerous territory, Celestia slipped back into a bit of her teaching tone. "For a picnic, you want to bring foods that are easily portable, and not particularly temperature sensitive. If everything is made in advance, hot foods can cool, and cold foods can warm before they are ready to be served. It is best if there is no need to rush through the meal. And knowing your preferences, you should make certain to bring water to cleanse the palate between courses."
Luna nodded. Water was a good idea. After all, she didn’t want a repeat of her seventeenth courtship’s second anniversary. As her memories of previous suitors bounced around, Luna suddenly realized that she had nearly forgotten to ask about a crucial part of courting; gifts. “Before I forget, couldst thou tell me what are considered appropriate gifts these days?”
“That is a tricky subject. Ponies, in recent decades, seem to be constantly debating what constitutes a proper gift at which point in the courtship process.” Celestia raised a hoof, allowing her chin to rest upon it. Her contemplative expression kept Luna from speaking while the older sister mulled over various ideas she’d heard repeated amongst the castle staff over the years. Finally, she settled on what to tell Luna. Her hoof was lowered back to the ground before she spoke. “First, do keep in mind that any gifts should not feel like an attempt to buy Twilight’s affection. These are gifts, not bribes or compensation.” Luna nodded, her solemn expression reminded Celestia of a student listening to an important lecture; the solar mare felt just a bit more comfortable that her lessons were not falling on deaf ears. "As far as appropriate gifts go, you want to give something that shows you put thought into it, something that reflects your feelings, perhaps even something practical that she can use that will make her think of you every time she looks at it. Those are the most commonly effective types of gifts these days."
The younger mare’s expression showed a hint of deviousness on her lips, and a gleam of creativity in her eyes. "This shall do wonderfully. I believe I have some ideas already. Oh this shall be a most wondrous date. Rainbow Dash will not stand a chance. Why, I daresay Twilight shall choose me as the victor before my 'noble competition' even has the opportunity to show off. Thank thee ever so much sister. I shan't let thee or thy student down!"
Luna then dashed off with enthusiasm leaving Celestia to realize out loud, "Wait. Did she just say Rainbow Dash?"