“We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a dear friend,” the priest said over the crowd of mourners. Many cried, others sobbed, while a few sniffled and desperately tried to hold back tears. Only three ponies there did not shed a single tear. Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, all decked out in black dresses.
“Many would say that he was troublesome. Others would say that he wasn’t too trustworthy. But he was a friend, nonetheless.” The priest closed his eyes and sighed. “And he shall be dearly missed by all of us. Taken in his youth from our hooves before his time. We can only hope and pray he has found peace in the afterlife, more than he’s found peace in this life. Now will be the time for his loved ones to come up and speak.”
The priest stepped down amid a multitude of the saddened, leaving his place from behind the tombstone over the open grave with the coffin deep in the earth empty. As the stormclouds overhead darkened and lightning struck in the distance, several seconds passed before Celestia took her place to talk.
“I knew… our dearly beloved friend for some time now,” Celestia started. “We had our ups and downs, but in the end, he was a dear friend. And now, with him forever lost from this world…” Celestia coughed as she squinted her eyes, tears on the verge of falling.
Luna made her way to her sister’s side and laid a wing on her shoulder. Nuzzling her cheek, Celestia returned to Twilight, leaving Luna to stand behind the tombstone. “I knew him for some time. Well, I didn’t get more acquainted with him until after my return, but I like to think we became… friends—of a sort. We may not have seen eye to eye all the time, but he wasn’t so bad. Other than that… he could be kind of a jerk sometimes.” Luna shrugged and stared dismally into the grave. “But other times, he could be a good friend.”
Departing from behind the tombstone, Twilight took Luna’s place. Clearing her voice, Twilight said with a note of hesitation in her voice, “Today is a sad day. Not only for me, or the princesses, or even all of us here. Today is a sad day for all of Equestria. Possibly the entire world. Nothing—nothing will ever be the same again.”
“That’s really touching, Twilight, but I think I’ll take it from here,” Discord said behind her, stepping forth from dismal plane of another existence… otherwise known as from behind a tree.
“Discord! No, it can’t be!” Twilight screamed, stepping back from his presence. “We thought you were dead!”
“Now, why would you say that?” Discord asked calmly, looking as his claws.
“Your room was in flames yesterday! Everything burned to the ground, with nothing left alive inside!” Celestia interjected. “We had all thought you were nothing but a charred crisp!”
“No, no, I’m quite fine,” Discord assured her, holding his hands out high on either side to show himself off. “Nothing to fear, Tia, dear. I’m right as rain.”
“But then why was your room on fire?” Luna asked.
Discord held his head down in misery. “I am sorry to say that… nightstand was a crack addict. I knew he needed help for some time, but I thought that an intervention could lead him to taking his own life. And now, look at him.” Discord sniffed, leaning down to grasp onto nightstand’s tombstone. “In a coffin when his crackpipe accidentally set the room around him on fire. I could’ve prevented this! I could’ve helped him!” Holding a shaking fist up to the sky, Discord shouted, “Damn you flying spaghetti monster, damn you to Hell! Damn you and your meatball deliciousness! He was too young, you Italian monster! It should have been me! Or someone else, preferably! Perhaps a telemarketer or door-to-door salesmen! That would’ve been so much better!”
Discord wept tears of despair, stamping his fist on nightstand’s tombstone over and over again, muttering under his breath, “It’s not fair, it’s not fair…”
“Discord, please—” Celestia began, resting a hoof on his shoulder.
“Leave me!” Discord replied angrily, slapping her hoof away. “Leave me to mourn over my dearly beloved friend! He was the best piece of furniture a Spirit of Chaos could ever ask for. For pete’s sake, he was one hundred percent mahogany! Mahogany!”
Returning to his grief, Celestia stared at Luna and Twilight for guidance. Luna shrugged, while Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. Already most of the mourners had left, and with nothing else to keep them there but an overdramatic draconequus and a burned piece of furniture, the trio of alicorns departed.
“Well, I guess I will need to buy a new nightstand now,” Celestia sighed, leaving Discord all by his lonesome.
After a few more sobs, Discord looked up with a single eye and scanned the abandoned funeral. Standing up and making his way to the front of the open grave, Discord chuckled. “Well nightstand, looks like you got quite the passing, eh, old friend?”
Tutting under his breath, Discord looked down the hole to the coffin within its depths. “Such a shame about the fire, isn’t that right? Sprung up out of nowhere, didn’t it? And those doors being locked, that had to be the icing on the cake, wasn’t it? Such a shame, such a shame…”
Discord snapped his fingers and appearing in his claw were several photographs. Flipping through them, Discord said, “I gotta say, you’re quite the photographer. If you hadn’t died, you really could’ve been a professional. I mean, those picture you took at the New Years party? Beautiful, just beautiful. Crisp and clear picture too.” Discord stopped his shuffling for one picture in particular. “But those Christmas party picture you took of me…”
Ripping the picture in two, Discord shredded the rest of the photos in his claws and let the pieces descend into the grave. “Not cool, bro. Not cool. You thought you could blackmail me? Me? I invented blackmail when you were only a shrub.” Dusting off his hands, Discord smiled and waved at the dark coffin resting in its grave. “But you learned your lesson now, didn’t you, nightstand? And so will everyone else who thinks they can double cross me.”
Discord began to walk away, but stopped in his tracks and quickly returned to nightstand’s grave. “Oh, nightstand, I forgot to mention. I fucked your wife, coffee table. Then I ate pancakes right off her. I didn’t even clean up the syrup afterward! She’s a dirty girl like that.”
Discord laughed, leaving nightstand to rest in his hole. An example to all other furnitures that Discord is not to be trifled with.