Batmare Begins

by Batbrony


Demons

For a moment longer Derpy just stared at Aucune with a pained expression, her mouth hanging open, searching for words that wouldn’t come. She knew there was no getting out of it now, had known that this was coming ever since Aucune had told her she was ready for this two days ago. Hay, for all she knew some small corner of her mind might’ve known this was coming when she’d made the decision to pursue this whole crazy undertaking over a month ago. Before that things were so much less complicated. She’d had a steady job, some good friends, and lived in a nice community; was it really all that bad?

Well… yes. Yes it was. That’s not me, not all of me at least. That’s never been me. I’m sick and tired of this… whatever this mental stumbling block is, I’ve got to hurdle it for good.

Still she just sat there, taking slow breaths and looking at the ground at nothing in particular, her face vacant. She wanted to talk, but nothing came. Thankfully, she had help close at hoof.

“Why don’t we start with something easy Miss Hooves, from the beginning?” Aucune gently suggested. It must’ve sounded like a good idea because a moment later Derpy slowly nodded. “Alright then, let’s start simple: where were you born?”

“Cloudsdale.”

“And your parents: who were they? Were they both in your life?” Aucune asked the latter question with great delicacy.

“Mom was mostly the only one around. Not that they were separated or anything, well, not that way,” Derpy hurriedly clarified. “Dad’s a unicorn, you see. Professor at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns actually, though when I was a filly he was still getting his doctorate. Wasn’t until I was about seven that he finally got it. Not that anything really changed; he still spent most of his time working in Canterlot.”

The slightest hint of resentment did not escape Aucune’s attentive ears. “Did you have a… strained relationship with your father?”

“I wouldn’t say it was strained. More like we were just… distant, is all. Not that I knew any better, I was just a filly, but yeah, I guess you could say dad’s parenting was definitely different from mom’s, and all the time he had to spend away from home certainly didn’t help. He loved mom, I know he did, but me… I don’t know, I guess I wasn’t what he expected is all. Didn’t hate me or anything, I just don’t think he ever knew what to make of me no matter what mom said.” It was starting to come a little easier now, all these things she’d known for years to be true but had kept pent up inside, hidden away. Sort of felt liberating really, like a big weight being lifted from her shoulders, but Derpy knew that could all change in an instant if she weren’t careful.

“Tell me about your mother. What was she like?”

“Best mom a filly could ask for!” Derpy declared with confidence. “I know every pony says that about their mom, but believe me, if there were an award for ‘Best Mom Ever’, my mama put forth ten times more effort than pretty much anypony else could ever hope to. Just came naturally to her, really, being a mother and all. Guess that’s another reason dad not being around that much didn’t particularly bother me; mom was always there whenever I needed someone. First day of school, first time I flew, you name it, mom was there.”

“So was she a stay at home parent then?” The small smile that’d been steadily growing as Derpy recalled memories of her beloved mother darkened slightly.

“No… no, she wasn’t actually. Like I said, dad didn’t have his doctorate until quite some time after I was born, so he wasn’t exactly raking in bits. Besides our own needs, mom was also too decent a pony to worry about me alone. She loved helping anypony she could; I don’t know if it was out of a sense of duty or something, but for whatever reason she was always aiding others however and whenever she could. With plenty of jobs to go around in Cloudsdale, and her enthusiasm for public service, mom got the best one she could think of: she joined the Cloudsdale Weather Brigade.”

“Impressive,” Aucune remarked, “Your mother must have been quite the flier to secure a position as prestigious as that.”

“You bet!” Derpy confirmed, welling up with pride. “Only the best of the best are accepted into the Cloudsdale Weather Brigade. They don’t have the fastest fliers, don’t need ‘em; what they want are the toughest fliers, pegasi who can endure all kinds of crazy weather conditions. You wouldn’t have known it from looking at her, but my mom was tough as nails! If there was something that needed doing, she’d get it done without so much as batting an eye, even if that something was tussling with a twister or an out-of-control blizzard. She put in such great work as a weather pony that eventually she got promoted to Squad 7, one of the most distinguished squads in the entire weather brigade.”

“Your mother sounds like she was a remarkable mare. To find the time to excel at both being a mother and a job like that? Devotion must have been a virtue near and dear to her heart.”

“You can say that again. If there was some freak accident at the weather factory, she’d be there cleaning it up. She’d almost always find a way to lend a helping hoof in any family emergency. And if somepony made fun of the way my eyes got derped up now and then, mom would be there in an instant reminding me they were something to be proud of, something that made me unique and different from everypony else.”

“It really was something having a mom like that, a mom everyone looked up to and who did all she could to give me the best fillyhood possible. I think most meaningful of all was her reassuring presence; no matter what, whenever she was around, spurring me on, it was like there wasn’t a thing I couldn’t do. I mean, I was the first filly in my class to fly. Me! Can you believe that? And it was all because of her. She just had this way of inspiring anypony to be the best they could be, believe they could accomplish anything with enough effort.”

She paused in her recounting, a longing look in her eyes and a sad smile plastered on her face. A dam of hesitancy stayed her tongue, holding back the words straining to pour forth from her mouth.

“You and I both know that’s not the whole story Miss Hooves. You’re here now, and it’s not because you had the best fillyhood anyone could ask for. Something changed.” Without a word Derpy slowly nodded, silently acknowledging the truthfulness of Aucune’s postulation.

“It’s time Miss Hooves. Ever since you made your choice in that prison cell, everything has been building up to this moment. It’s here, now, and it’s time to confront it once and for all. There’s no turning back. What changed Miss Hooves? Why are you here now with me, and not elsewhere, living a happy, normal life?”

I know it. I know where it began, all of it. But I can’t relive it, not again, not again. It hurt so much already, and it’ll hurt just as bad. I don’t want to blame her, because that’s not fair, that’s simply not fair… but I can’t deny that that’s where it all began. I guess if some good comes out of this, if my life really somehow takes a turn for the better, then it’ll all be worth it in the end, right? She’d want that wouldn’t she, for me to finally be happy, be the mare she always knew I could be?

Mom, if you’re listening, please, just… help me be careful. This is gonna be so hard, so painful, and I don’t want to get anything wrong. I don’t want to turn into something I’m not because I misremember anything, anything at all. Help me emerge from this as the pony you always knew I could be, the pony I’ve always wanted to be. Please mom.

Once she’d mustered enough determination, Derpy finally found the courage to go on. “I was eight. Dad was away in Canterlot, busy at his new job as a full time professor, but we were hoping he’d be home soon for spring break. With winter at an end the weather factory was closing down all its snow plants and reopening the rain plants in full force; April is always one of the busiest months in Cloudsdale, what with all the spring shower orders to fill. They’d needed so much help that year that they were hiring dozens of pegasi right out of flight school. That system wasn’t always the safest; weather work can get dangerous real fast, and only experienced pegasi should ever handle some of the more volatile weather output. But it’d become something of a habit by that point, and with weather demands growing all the time the city authorities were hard pressed to find a better alternative.”

“Eventually, however, it finally did bite ‘em in the flank, and in a bad way…”


Derpy was just starting to drift to sleep when suddenly-

BOOM

“Ah! Mama! Mama!” she cried, pulling her covers up over her head.

A second later a bleary-eyed Ditzy Hooves entered the room. “Don’t worry Derpy, I’m here, I’m here. Thunder again?”

Derpy nodded, the top half of her head just poking out from beneath the covers. “It’s so loud tonight. Why is it so loud Mama?”

“I don’t know sweetie. But you know how busy things get this time of year; weather factory’s probably just got a surplus of storms is all. You want me to stay with you?” Derpy considered for a moment before quickly nodding, her tiny head moving rapidly up and down.

“OK, scoot over ya little bedbug, mama bedbug’s coming in.” Sliding beneath the covers of the cloud mattress Ditzy snuggled up tightly next to Derpy, wrapping one of her wings around her daughter in a warm, comforting embrace. The filly giggled, tickled by the feathers, but before long she was snoozing once more, head resting against her mother’s soft coat, and Ditzy’s eyes were slowly starting to close themselves when a new noise stirred them both awake: a frantic, loud rap at the front door.

After listening for a minute longer to confirm she wasn’t just hearing things, Ditzy, much to Derpy’s dismay, removed her soothing wing-cover and got up from bed to investigate.

“Don’t go Mama!” Derpy pleaded.

“It’s OK Derpy, I’ll only be gone for a minute, I promise,” Ditzy reassured her in as calming a voice as possible. Another thunderous crash suddenly sounded outside and the pounding on the door increased, more frantic than ever. “One minute, I promise!” Ditzy repeated, a worried look on her face as she left the room in haste. By now Derpy had dove underneath the covers, shivering with fright from the deafening noises of thunder that seemed louder than even before. Beneath her covers she could partially hear what sounded like her mother talking to someone. She couldn’t really make out what they were saying, but as they continued both voices rose and seemed to become more distressed by the minute.

A few minutes after she’d left Ditzy flew back in the room, garbed in her weather pony uniform, complete with tan suit, goggles, and bright yellow helmet. Derpy peered from beneath the covers once more, staring at her mother in confusion; she rarely if ever wore her full gear.

“Mama, it’s nighttime, why are you all dressed up?” she asked.

“There’s no time to explain. Derpy, I need you to be a brave filly right now and do exactly what mama says, OK? Now, we’re going for a little sleepover at your Aunt Dot’s house; doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Oh boy, Aunt Dot, I-”

“Great! But we have to leave right now if we want to get there on time, so climb on my back and hang on tight.”

“But Mama, I can fly there, Aunt-” Derpy began to protest before being abruptly cutoff.

“Derpy, get on my back this instant!” Ditzy barked in a tone she rarely used save for when Derpy was being especially naughty. Unlike those times, however, this time Derpy wasn’t sure what she’d done wrong, and recoiled in fear and confusion. Taking a deep breath, her mother regained her composure and cautiously approached the bedside.

“I’m sorry Derpy, that was wrong of me, I shouldn’t have yelled. You didn’t know any better. I know you can fly there, but mama just really needs to get you to Aunt Dot’s house as fast as possible right now. I still need you to be brave, OK? You need to get up here, shut your eyes, and hold on tight. Can you do that for mommy?” Derpy was still confused and a little scared even, but she didn’t want to let her mama down. Without a word she buzzed her tiny wings, flitting over to Ditzy, where she lighted down upon her back and wrapped her hooves around her neck.

With Derpy in tow Ditzy sped away from the room to their front porch, where a thickset stallion adorned in the same weather pony gear as Ditzy was waiting.

“C’mon Ditz, we don’t have time for this. Cap’n was very explicit that the chief needs everypony, and I do mean everypony, on the double; we need to go right now!

“Flash, I don’t think Frostbite’s gonna miss lil’ ol’ me for five more minutes, and I sure as hay am not leaving Derpy home alone,” Ditzy insisted, brushing him aside.

“Now hang on-”

Quick as a flash Ditzy spun around, her eyes aflame. “Flash, all I need is five minutes to get my daughter somewhere safe; I think I’ve earned that! If you think for one minute that I’m copping out, that I won’t be there, well then shame on you Flash Flood, I guess you’re not the friend I thought you were! Now outta my way; you go, join the others and tell Downpour I’m on my way, OK?”

Thoroughly subdued from the verbal thrashing, Flash Flood backed off, nodding his head apologetically before flying off.

“Ready Derpy?” Ditzy called, looking over her shoulder. The filly nodded, still at a loss as to what exactly was happening but trusting that her mother knew exactly what to do.

“Alright then, remember what mama said; hold on tight and close your eyes until we get to Aunt Dot’s. Whatever you do, don’t let go and do not open your eyes! Ready? OK then, here we go.” A few powerful beats of her wings, and they were off.


“Things only got weirder when we left home. The whole way to my aunt and uncle’s place, even with my eyes shut, I could tell something was off besides mom’s behavior. The thunder just kept getting louder and louder; it was seriously the most deafening thing I’d ever heard in my life. On top of that, there was a crazy headwind blowing against us the whole way there. I really did have to hold on for dear life; thankfully, mom cut what was usually a five minute trip down to two minutes, even with the awful winds. I hoped that the worst was over, but it was only when we got to Aunt Dot’s that I began to realize just how bad things really were shaping up…”


“Ditzy? What on cloud, it’s two in the-”

“Dot, this is an emergency, so listen close. I need you and Silver to let Derpy stay the night, is that alright?” Ditzy rattled off, breathless after her hurried flight over. Her half-awake sister blinked at her words, still trying to process just what the flying feather was going on.

“Derpy? Uh, sure, yeah, we can do that,” Dot said, just now noticing her niece seated on Ditzy’s back. Derpy appeared to be shaking and for some reason her eyes were shut tight, face scrunched up into the most peculiar expression.

“Mama, can I open my eyes now?” she squeaked.

“Yes sweetie, go right ahead,” Ditzy replied, gently lowering the shuddering Derpy from her back. “You were very brave, Derpy. You did exactly what mommy told you to, and I’m very proud of you for that.” Ditzy took off her helmet and nuzzled Derpy, trying to calm her down and allay her fears. As she began to process the scene unfolding before her, Dot cut in, now fully awake.

“Ditzy, what the hay’s going on? Why are you here, all dressed up in your weather pony gear, in the middle of the night?” she asked with a hint of concern. From behind her the sound of a loud yawn was heard as a tired stallion appeared, rubbing his eyes.

“Dot, what’s goi- oh, hey Ditzy, hey Derpy,” he bid welcome before letting loose another massive yawn.

“Hey Silver,” Ditzy half-acknowledged, quickly turning her attention back to Dot. Derpy remained silent, hugging her mother’s foreleg as she tried to steady her shaken nerves and be a brave filly for her mommy. Noticing how scared she still was, Ditzy pulled Dot closer to her and whispered something in her ear; as she spoke, Dot’s eyes widened in alarm.

“What? Category Eight?! Tha- that doesn’t seem possible, I’ve never-” Ditzy cut her off, emphatically gesturing towards the scared filly clinging to her, and Dot, getting the message, promptly toned it down. “Right, sorry,” she atoned. “So they’re seriously calling everypony up?”

“Every last one. Flash Flood even said that most of the emergency volunteer weather brigades are being scrambled. All told we’re looking at probably over 500 ponies getting in on this job, and we’re gonna need every last one of ‘em.”

“Hey wait, Ditzy,” Silver Smith interjected, “is this about that crazy weather outside? Boy, I tell ya, sure ain’t seen nothing like that befo-”

“Shut it Silver!” Dot snapped, much to her husband’s surprise. “You said it’s blowing south, right? Can’t they just let it, I don’t know, exhaust itself, you know, take its own natural course and blow out over the Everfree Forest?” Ditzy shook her head.

“Wish we could, but there’s some village smack dab in the storm’s path between here and the Everfree. If we don’t act immediately that storm’s gonna pulverize it, and there won’t be a town left to speak of in the morning.”

“Oh Celestia,” Dot breathed. She seemed to be trying to find the right words, perhaps some excuse that’d get Ditzy out of this mess, but in the end she just threw her forelegs around her in a tight embrace. “I know you’ve gotta do this, but promise me you’ll be safe, OK? You, you… big, dumb featherbrain, you!” she choked out. The gravity of the situation was just sinking in for Dot and she was struggling to keep a stiff upper lip.

“Hey, it’s me we’re talking about here. I’ll be fine, don’t you worry ‘bout a thing; got the best squadmates a mare could ask for, and we’re gonna wrangle this storm up real good, just you wait and see!” For some inexplicable reason Ditzy’s words seemed to ring hollow, but she returned Dot’s hug with just as much fervor, and for a moment the siblings clung to each other. Finally Ditzy broke away, just one more thing left to do before reporting for duty. Now came the really hard part.

“Derpy,” she started, eyes turning to her daughter, “you be a good little filly and do everything that Aunt Dot and Uncle Silver tell you to, OK? Don’t get into any trouble or anything, get some sleep, and in the morning I’ll-”. She caught herself and stopped midsentence, well aware of the terrible mistake she’d almost made. The last thing she wanted to do was deceive the pony she cherished most, make a promise to her that she might not be able to keep. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to leave Derpy with that kind of dread. While she struggled to find the right words, a soft mewling caught her attention.

“Mama, I don’t want you to go,” Derpy whimpered. “Can’t you stay here with me and Aunt Dot and Uncle Silver?” Smiling warmly down at her, a sad look in her eyes, Ditzy bent down and gently nuzzled her filly.

“Oh Derpy, I’d like nothing better, but I have to do this. We’ve all got responsibilities, and right now I’ve got to keep mine, otherwise a lot of ponies might lose their homes or even worse. You wouldn’t want that, now, would you?” Derpy shook her head. “I love you Derpy, I love you so very much. You need to know that. No matter what happens, I will always love you; no matter what happens, I promise you, I will always be there for you, even if it’s not the same.”

Kneeling down to her level, Ditzy clasped her Derpy in the tightest hug a mother’s love could possibly muster. It was only with great reluctance that she finally let go, and after taking one last look at her daughter and planting a tender kiss on her forehead, Ditzy determinately got up, strapping her helmet on and easing back into a confident posture.

“You guys keep a pot of coffee good and piping hot for me, you hear?” she bid, cracking a winning grin. “Celestia knows I’ll need a nice cup of Joe or two after tonight. Now get some shuteye, all of you; don’t you worry, we’ll have this mess cleaned up before you know it!” With one last wave goodbye, Ditzy opened the front door and departed. Leaping from the front porch, she spread her wings and took to the air, flying into the darkness towards duty’s call. In the distance an ominous, low rumble could be heard, thundering across the night sky.


“Believe it or not, scared as I was, I actually slept like a foal for the rest of the night. Don’t know how, to be honest; guess I was just trying to be a good filly for auntie and unc like mom wanted. Maybe I wanted to tell her when she got back just how brave I’d been, that no thunder or lightning would scare me and I could be just as fearless as she was, or… maybe I was just one really, really tired filly. Whatever the case, after she left the thunder didn’t really bother me anymore. I just curled right up on the couch in the living room and slept like a rock till early in the morning…”


Knock-knock-knock

The lids of Derpy’s eyes cracked open just a smidge. Some sort of dull pounding sound coming from the front of the house had awoken her, which was too bad seeing as she’d been having the most amazing dream an eight-year old filly could ask for: clouds as far as the eye could see made out of muffins, and they’d all been hers for the taking! Even as she floated up from the depths of her subconscious she could still practically taste the muffiny-goodness on the tip of her tongue.

As she got her bearings, Derpy surveyed her surroundings; a few stray rays of the early morning sun shone through a couple of windows in the living room. Uncle Silver was laying spread out on a makeshift cloud recliner he’d thrown together for the night, snoring loudly, while Aunt Dot was lying next to Derpy on the couch, wrapped in a blanket of cloud cover. Convenient thing about clouds for pegasi: they could shape them into pretty much anything they needed to, from furniture and household appliances to even the very homes they lived in. Besides, there wasn’t really any other way to have a city in the sky. Aside from pegasi themselves, the only solid materials imbued with cloud-walking magic were thunderforged steel and magically enchanted items, both of which were expensive to make and hard to come by.

Knock-knock-knock-knock-knock

The knocking from the front of the house came again, this time more insistent. The two adults slowly began to stir from their slumber, disturbed by the pounding as well. However, before they were fully awake, the more alert Derpy put two and two together.

“Mama!” she cried with glee, leaping down from the couch and scampering to the front door quick as her little hooves could carry her. Startled by her sudden outburst of energy, Dot and Silver shot up from where they lay, blinking in surprise as they attempted to comprehend just what was going on.

“Derpy, wait!” Dot called out in vain. By the time she’d gotten up from the sofa, Derpy had already made it to the front door. In her excitement she eschewed opening the door in favor of bolting right through the cloudy mass.

“Mama!” she cried. Upon bounding through the door, however, Derpy found herself face to face with a cerulean stallion with a messy rainbow-colored mane, dressed in a police uniform. For an instant the two blankly stared at one another, both equally caught off guard by the other’s appearance. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Derpy spoke up.

“You’re not mama,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Erm,” the police officer mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. A second later Dot and Silver Smith finally answered the door, much to the officer’s relief. While Silver still looked half asleep, Dot, like Derpy, was already wide awake, and tensed up upon seeing the policepony on her front porch.

“Officer, wh-what can we d-do for you?” she managed to stammer out.

“Corporal Bow Hothoof reporting, ma’am. I’m looking for a Mrs. Dot Doo,” he stated.

“This is she.”

“You are the sister of Sergeant Ditzy Doo, Squad 7 of the Cloudsdale Weather Brigade?”

“Yes,” Dot breathed, barely discernible. As if foreseeing what he was about to say next, however, Dot suddenly snapped awake from the veritable daze she’d been in, turning to her husband. “Silver, why don’t you take Derpy to the kitchen and make her some breakfast. Maybe some coffee for our guest as well while you’re at it.”

Blinking blearily, Silver idly yawned while his wife’s words sank in, until Dot gave him a sharp nudge in the side. “Oh, um, yeah, sure thing honey,” he replied. “C’mon Derpy, let’s go get you some breakfast.”

“But what about mommy? Shouldn’t we wait for her?”

“Oh I’m sure she’ll be along shortly. This way we can have breakfast waiting for her when she gets back. She’d like that, now, don’t you think?”

“OK! We can have a big breakfast and everything ready for her. Maybe we can even get some muffins later. Mama always likes a muffin to start the day!” Following her uncle’s lead, the two trotted back to the kitchen while Dot turned her attention back to Officer Hothoof.

“If you could step outside with me for a moment ma’am; it’s about your sister,” he requested, a somber air in his speech.

“Y-yeah… yeah sure,” Dot said automatically. Stepping onto the front porch, she delicately shut the door behind her.

Back in the kitchen things were a bit more lackluster than Derpy had expected. Silver Smith had fetched a couple of apples from the ice-cloud for the two of them, but beyond that he’d made no attempts at putting together a proper breakfast, not even so much as sticking a pot of coffee on the cloud-cooker. Truth be told, Derpy thought he was acting very silly; he seemed real fidgety at the table, and kept looking at the kitchen entry between idle bites of his apple.

“Uncle Silver, shouldn’t we be getting things ready for breakfast, like eggs and stuff?” she asked. Much to her disappointment, Silver merely waved off her question.

“Finish your apple Derpy,” he bade, “then, uh, we’ll start putting some things together, OK?”

“But Uncle Silver.”

“What?”

“I’m already done,” Derpy pointed out, an apple core in her hoof.

“Oh… well then, um, here, have another,” he suggested, retrieving another apple from the ice-cloud, which Derpy accepted confusedly. Silver went back to acting all weird, glancing out the kitchen every five seconds.

Derpy was busy munching away at her second apple when Dot entered. Silver rose from his seat, waiting with bated breath, while conversely Derpy turned in her seat to greet her.

“Hi Aunt Dot, want an- Aunt Dot, what’s wrong?” Dot appeared to be in a stupor, eyes wide with shock and welling with tears, and her mouth kept closing and opening sporadically. It was like she was trying to say something, only, no words were forthcoming. Hopping down from her seat, Derpy approached her cautiously, unsure what to do. “Aunt Dot, what’s wrong? Did the policepony say something mean? Is mama back yet, maybe she’ll know what to do?”

At that, Dot broke down; rushing forward, she stooped to Derpy’s level and threw her hooves around her, enveloping her in a tight grip whilst sobbing uncontrollably.

“Oh Derpy… ohhhhh Derpy! I’m s-so sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Derpy! I just, I… I… I’m so sorry!” She buried her face in her niece’s shoulder, weeping like a newborn foal. Somewhere in the recesses of Derpy’s mind, something was suddenly triggered, an instinctive fear innate in all sentient beings that started putting together a terrible puzzle the little filly didn’t want to finish.

“Aunt Dot… where’s mama?” she asked. “Where’s mama? Where’s mama?”


“An investigation determined that some rookies at the weather factory had somehow managed to store two Category Five thunderstorms in the same storage facility. Still don’t know how those boneheads pulled that one off, but protocol’s always dictated that no two storms, no matter how big or small, are supposed to share any facility. The two storm systems combined and grew to Category Eight proportions; putting that in perspective, Cloudsdale had never produced anything larger than a Category Six, and that was part of a drought relief effort overseas in Griffonia. The supercell storm, pretty much the equivalent of a manufactured hurricane by that point, leveled its storage facility and started blowing south. It took every available weather pony in Cloudsdale, along with even a few police squads and drafted weather factory workers, to diminish it to a strong but harmless Category Four shower.”

“Were there any other casualties?” Aucune asked.

“Nope, just… just my mom.” Derpy stared into the ebbing flames of the dwindling fire. Aucune gave her a moment before pressing further.

“When did she go down?”

“They weren’t sure. Didn’t realize she was even missing until after the storm had been brought under control. Squad 7 was positioned at the wall cloud all night, somewhere in the middle of the storm; it wasn’t the area of highest precipitation, but it was where the most violent winds of the storm were to be found. The weather brigade brass were worried that the wall cloud might produce a tornado if it weren’t brought under control, so Squad 7 and a few of the other elite squads were placed there. The violent winds meant squads eventually started getting separated, and at that point it came down to desperate, individual efforts dissipating the wall cloud. Won’t ever know if it was the wind, getting struck too many times by lightning, or even hail, but something stunned mom towards the end when she was on her own that sent her crashing down. They found her afterwards, when they realized she was missing, groundside, near the edge of the Everfree Forest: impact of the fall did it. I only hope it was quick at least; she deserved that much.”

“Is that it then? Is that the source of your demons, the trauma of losing your mother?” Aucune conjectured.

“Not entirely. I mean, yeah, losing my mom was awful, the most terrible thing that had ever happened to me. But it was the aftermath that was the worst. It wasn’t the city or the weather brigade that was the problem; Cloudsdale paid mom’s line-of-duty death benefits no questions asked, and her squadmates were practically family. We didn’t blame them or anything, how could we? They’d been right alongside her in the same mess, and I’m sure none of them had ever expected having to deal with something like that in their lifetimes. No, the worst was… dad.”

“Your father? What did he do?”

“It wasn’t what he did, it was what he didn’t. First a day passed by, no word from dad. Aunt Dot and Uncle Silver figured maybe he hadn’t heard, or he was busy making arrangements to come here. Then another day passed by, and another. And after five days and three letters with no response, each angrier than the last, they started realizing he wasn’t coming. He never came, not to be with his family, to mourn, to take care of me, not even to the feathering funeral.”

Where before there’d been implicit bitterness, now direct, unreserved enmity touched Derpy’s words. “My own father pretty much abandoned me when my mother died, and he did it without saying a word. We haven’t spoken or so much as exchanged a letter since then. And ya know what the worst part was? I didn’t realize it, didn’t really understand that he was running out on me, until mom’s funeral. I was eight, had just lost my mom, and all I wanted was my dad by my side to tell me everything was going to be okay; when I realized he wasn’t gonna be there, might never be there again, it hit me like a ton of bricks…”


A large body had assembled for the proceedings; seemed like virtually all the townsfolk had suspended the day’s business to watch. The funeral procession set out from city hall at the center of town. A hearse, lent by the town’s mortician and drawn by a pair of local farmers who’d volunteered their services, led the way. Inside lay the casket, draped in the Equestrian flag; next came a color guard and the pallbearers, all members of Squad 7, smartly clad in their black dress uniforms and caps, followed by Ditzy’s family. Bringing up the rear was the funeral detail, a mixture of dozens of weather ponies from Cloudsdale, including Chief Frostbite himself, along with several old friends of Ditzy’s and even a number of locals who’d felt compelled to pay their respects. All along the route to the edge of town, ponies stopped what they were doing to watch as the procession passed by, maintaining a respectable silence.

She was being laid to rest in a lovely spot: a cleared, grassy knoll right on the edge of the small town she’d helped save. The land had belonged to one of the founding families of the town, a farming family that owned and tended a number of apple orchards in the area. They’d been very insistent about giving the land to Ditzy’s family, and had even planted a lone apple sapling next to where she’d be buried, as a token of the town’s appreciation. Dot, in charge of the funeral arrangements seeing as their parents had passed away some years back (not to mention Ditzy’s husband being a no-show since her passing), had graciously accepted the generous donation. Funeral arrangements were always tricky for pegasi, seeing as cemeteries weren’t a feasible option in Cloudsdale, so families had to find some suitable groundside site instead. Some had their own private burial grounds, such as wealthier families or the ancient Kicker clan, while others’ gravesites were determined based on their occupation, especially if they’d served in the Equestrian military, government, or some other public service. There were, however, entire public cemeteries reserved solely for pegasi and their families, the land purchased years earlier by the city of Cloudsdale.

While the site of Ditzy’s burial was somewhat unusual for pegasi in its isolated setting, Dot thought it appropriate given the way her sister had laid down her life in the line of duty. A sacrifice like that deserved a special way to remember it by; nothing too over the top, just a locale with a quiet, restrained dignity to it. Besides, the locals really wouldn’t take no for an answer, and it was a truly beautiful spot; it seemed only fitting that Ditzy should get to look out in her final resting place over the village she’d helped rescue. On this day, clear skies and a resplendent sun highlighted the site’s beauty, imbuing it with a soothing, open warmth, as if it were an old friend ready to welcome a weary soul in an affectionate embrace.

At the bottom of the hill the procession came to a halt, at which point the pallbearers carefully removed the flag-draped casket from the hearse and began the slow ascent up the gentle slope, led by the color guard. When they reached the crest of the hill, the casket was placed on a low pedestal temporarily placed directly adjacent to the freshly dug grave, facing the congregation of mourners. Slowly but surely the procession amassed into a semicircle around the gravesite. Sitting on her haunches directly in the front row center, flanked by her aunt and uncle, was Derpy.

On the surface she seemed to be handling things pretty well all things considered, and maintained a silent, steady composure. A closer look, however, told a different story altogether, namely in looking into her eyes; those eyes, so often prone to slipping into a walleyed state, were now completely level. Staring straight ahead, Derpy kept her gaze fixed on the casket, her eyes devoid of emotion; there was no sorrow, anger, or even love in them, just an empty void of nothing. Now that it was here in front of her, clear as day, the reality of it all was really starting to sink in.

Mom was there, not here. Forever there, never again here. An eternity there, a lifetime not here. Not here. Not here.

She’d never felt such an intense emptiness before. Never again. She’d never see her ever again. Was there any other worse feeling out there, anything at all, than that impossibly oppressive ‘never’? She hoped not. Couldn’t fathom anything at the moment worse than this.

As soon as they’d deposited the casket on its platform, the color guard and pallbearers took position beside it, standing at attention. Stepping out from the front of the funeral detail, Chief Frostbite, an old, grizzled veteran of the weather brigade, moved behind a podium set up to the left of the casket and began delivering the first eulogy. “On a day-to-day basis, Sergeant Doo exhibited the best qualities one could ask for of a weather pony. Her record was impeccable, her service exemplary, and it wasn’t long after joining our ranks that she found herself serving among our finest. According to those who served alongside her, while her natural ability was certainly admirable, the attribute that especially made her stand out from most was her camaraderie. Sergeant Doo displayed a remarkable fellowship with her fellow weather ponies, a fellowship that bolstered amity throughout her whole squad.”

“Teamwork is the essence of any weather squad worth its salt; you could have the most talented group of weather ponies in the world, but they wouldn’t be worth two bits if they couldn’t work together as a team. When we fly headfirst into the storms we are called upon to tame, we fly not only for Equestria, nor even for ourselves, but also for the pony next to us; in the heart of the storm, their lives are as much to us as our own and those we protect from afar. Sergeant Doo understood this perfectly and lived her life according to this principle, dedicating it first and foremost to the service of others and elevating the security of anypony’s well-being above her own, whether they be friends, family, total strangers, or her brothers and sisters in the weather brigade.”

“Clearly such a shining example of not just a model weather pony, but also a good, decent, upstanding pony on just about every level, is an irreplaceable loss, one which pains all of us deeply. But while we are gathered here to mourn this heartbreaking loss, one which came far too soon, we are also just as much here to rejoice, both in the way Sergeant Doo lived and died: serving others. Ditzy died as she lived each and every single day of her life, putting the needs of her fellow pony before herself, and that in itself should be celebrated. There is no nobler action than that of laying down one’s life for the sake of others, and Ditzy’s sacrifice has most certainly not been in vain. For those whom she helped redeem from the storm’s fury, life will carry on much as it did before, when instead it could’ve so easily been cutoff in an instant. For Sergeant Doo herself, while her earthly journey is now complete, a new one has begun, one which we all must take someday when the time is right, and for her, that time is now. Life, now as always, transcends death in all its beauty, both here in our beloved Equestria, and in the light into which our dearly departed sister has now entered, in that happy realm beyond our own. And so I implore you all, mourn for our loss, but rejoice as well for life’s conquering death yet again, as it always has and it always shall so long as there are ponies like Ditzy Doo to fill life with its inestimable beauty and value simply in the way they live.”

Lovely words, really. But for one motherless filly the idea of rejoicing here and now was simply out of the question. Not here. Those two words kept ranging through her mind, like an incessant bell that chimed only heartache. She may be there, where it was bright and warm, and maybe there were even as many muffins as you could hope for, but she wasn’t here.

Not here.

Not here.

Not here.

Not. Here.

Derpy glanced over her shoulder, scanning the crowd for the only balm that might ease her pain. Nope. Not here either.

His eulogy delivered, Chief Frostbite invited any others who wished to do so to step forward and say a few words. To the casual onlooker, the loose, open nature of the eulogistic proceedings might seem a bit unconventional, especially given how formal the funeral had been up until that point. For Equestrians, however, it was a cultural norm, and had been for hundreds of years. Most ponies felt that the most heartfelt expressions for the dead should come naturally and be allowed to unfold when they should, so rather than put together a set list of speakers prior to the ceremonies, anypony in attendance was usually just invited to speak about or commemorate the deceased if they so desired. Undoubtedly an informal way of doing things, but it usually worked like a charm, even at the largest funerals.

Her family was the first to come up. Dot spoke at length about how Ditzy had helped raise her as a filly, and a couple of her closer cousins made some kind remarks as well. Even Uncle Silver said a few words, fondly recalling how Ditzy had unwittingly helped introduce him and Dot when she’d signed her workaholic little sister up for a speed dating session (which Silver just so happened to be attending) behind her back to help her cut loose a little, eliciting more than a few chuckles from the crowd.

After that, all manner of ponies began streaming up: old friends, coworkers, even some of the locals who’d never even known Ditzy. Some reflected on specific memories and the various ways she’d touched their lives, while others simply looked back on her life in general and the way she’d lived it. Still others commemorated Ditzy’s sacrifice, giving praise to her courage or sharing how she’d given them a new appreciation for life after coming so close to losing everything. Despite how many speakers there were, not once did the service get disorderly. It just seemed like whenever someone finished speaking, as soon as they’d left, there was another, ready to take their place in an instant.

Derpy didn’t catch a whole lot of it, though. For one thing, it was just a lot for any filly as young as she was to take in, and besides a few individuals like Aunt Dot or Ditzy’s squadmates, she didn’t even know most of these ponies. But that wasn’t the only reason she was distracted. She kept looking around every which way she could, here, there, everywhere, for the one pony she wanted most right now. Needed the most.

Yet, no matter how hard she looked, no matter how much she wished for it, no matter how many ponies were there… he wasn’t.

And still wasn’t.

And still wasn’t.

Still wasn’t.

She just couldn’t wrap her head around it. Where could he be? She knew where mommy was at least, in a way; she was there, right in front of her. But where was he? Why wasn’t he here? Where else could he possibly be? She knew that eventually she’d have to go up, like all those other ponies, to say goodbye to mama. She knew it, and she also knew that, more than anything else in the world right now, she didn’t want to say goodbye alone. How could she possibly say goodbye alone?

Something suddenly caught her eye, amidst all the eulogies and commemorations. Out of the sea of ponies, a very singular figure abruptly emerged: a royal guard of all things. Derpy had never even seen one before, well, except for some pictures in books; what was this one doing at mama’s… what was she doing here? It seemed Derpy wasn’t the only one caught off guard; a number of the mourners seemed pretty surprised by her sudden appearance. Her armor gleamed in the afternoon sun, polished to a spotless sheen. Atop her head rested a perfectly balanced helmet, its crest a ceremonial black plume, and carefully tucked into her breastplate were two black irises.

With a slow, steady stride, the guard advanced, not towards the podium like most everypony else, but rather, the flag draped casket itself. She carried herself with a very distinct air; not rigid or bombastic, there wasn’t anything stiff or arrogant about it. No, if anything it was dignified. A very natural respectability exuded from her, like she’d moved with this sort of careful deliberateness her whole life. When she came to the casket, she gingerly removed one of the irises from her breastplate with her teeth, careful not to damage it. Then, kneeling on her forelegs, she gently deposited the black flower before the casket, and, when she arose, raised her right hoof in salute, not saying a word. After a moment she turned and made her way back towards the congregation, approaching Derpy and her family. When she was but a few feet in front of them, she stopped and simply nodded. There were no tears in her eyes, or even sorrow, just a sincere look of sympathy. And then, just as fast as she’d appeared, she melted back into the crowd.

After that, Derpy suddenly knew how to do it, even if… even if he didn’t come. After taking one last look over her shoulder just to be sure, she took a tentative step forward. Reacting to her niece’s sudden movement, Dot gently nudged Derpy and stooped to her level.

“Derpy, you doing alright?” she asked in a whisper.

“I… I wanna go up there, Aunt Dot. Please.” Dot looked over at the casket, then, with an understanding look, slowly nodded.

“OK. But I’ll be right here if you need me, alright?” Nodding, Derpy resumed her approach, steadier with each step she took, but still glancing back every few steps. Maybe, just maybe he’d come. But when she did finally reach the casket, she was still alone. Still alone.

Now that she was here, she wasn’t really sure what to do next. Every eye was on her, she just knew it, watching, waiting to see what she’d do. She’d hoped and prayed that in the end, even if it were at the very last second, he’d finally be there with her, be there to say goodbye so she didn’t have to do it alone. But now that she was here, and he still wasn’t, it suddenly hit her: he wasn’t coming. Dad wasn’t coming. He might never come again; if he wasn’t here for her now, when would he be? He hadn’t been there for her once since it’d happened, he wasn’t here now… would he ever be there again? Or did he just not want anything to do with Derpy, anything at all?

He doesn’t want me?

An agonizing pain shot through Derpy as the ugly truth finally dawned on her, worse than anything she’d felt at the loss of her mother.

He doesn’t want me. He really doesn’t want me.

It hurt. It just hurt so much, more than anything she’d ever felt before. It was the hurt of abandonment, the worst kind of abandonment one could possibly feel; forsaken in her hour of need by the one she needed most of all. She’d not only lost one parent now, but both; they’d both left her, in different ways, but the fact remained that they’d both left her, and now she felt so very alone. Unsure what else to do, her heart weighted down by the unbearable pain and sorrow she now felt at her sudden realization, Derpy did the only thing she could do: she cried. The floodgates opened and she simply let loose, leaning against the casket and sobbing uncontrollably into the soft material of the flag.

She didn’t wanna let go, didn’t ever wanna let go, never, ever again. Right now, all she wanted was to stay here for the rest of her life, as close to her mother as she could possibly be. More than anything in the world she didn’t want to be alone, to experience the terrible loneliness that she just knew awaited her as soon as she let go. So she just stood there and cried, and cried and cried and cried, still crying even after she had no more tears to shed.

She didn’t know how long she was up there crying. Time just sort of passed by in a blur. Eventually she felt a soft nuzzle on her face, and realized it was Aunt Dot, doing the only thing she could to comfort her, and that was being there for her. The two tightly embraced, Derpy still weeping vehemently, and Dot shedding a few tears herself in silence. After another indeterminable amount of time had passed, Dot released her niece and gestured back towards the crowd.

“Come on Derpy. You’ve go- it’s time to say goodbye. Okay?” She felt awful saying it, but there simply was no getting around it. One way or another, she had to let go. Derpy knew it too, even if she didn’t want to admit it. Slowly, however, she nodded in understanding, but before they left she turned back to her mother’s casket one last time.

“Goodbye mama. I… I’ll miss you.” And that was it. Everypony else had pretty much already said everything that could possibly be said about Ditzy. This was all that Derpy had needed to say. She’d realized as much after witnessing the royal guard before her, with her simple departing salute; there were just too many things she could say about her mother but didn’t want to think about now, so all she really could do was say goodbye. Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. The love, the memories, everything she felt for her mother were still there, and always would be, but she didn’t need to think about that right now, didn’t need to talk about it. Right now, all she’d needed to do was say goodbye. She’d done it, and now, hopefully, the hardest part was over.

Nopony else came up after Derpy’s farewell. At Chief Frostbite’s command, two of the pallbearers, Captain Downpour and Lieutenant Daybreak, moved to opposite ends of the casket, carefully removing the flag resting atop it. With precise movements, the pair began the slow, delicate process of folding the flag, handling it with the utmost reverence. Once they’d finished, Downpour took possession of the triangular bundle and handed it off to Chief Frostbite, waiting beside the casket. The handoff effected, Downpour and Daybreak stiffly saluted their superior officer, who returned their salute in kind, before rejoining the other pallbearers.

Frostbite proceeded to the center of the throng, approaching Ditzy’s family. Standing before Derpy, he knelt and proffered the bundled flag, stating, “Derpy, on behalf of Princess Celestia, the Cloudsdale Weather Brigade, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.” Derpy quietly accepted the flag and pressed it against her chest, hugging it with both of her small forelegs.

The rest didn’t take too long after that. The pallbearers promptly lifted the now unveiled casket once more, moving it to its ultimate destination just a few feet away. As they lowered Ditzy into her final resting place, a lone weather pony standing beside the color guard blared a solemn tune on a slide trumpet, one last farewell to the dearly departed. A few minutes later it was finished; after they’d finished burying her, the headstone, a marble bevel marker, was fixed atop the fresh grave. Inscribed below her name were these words: “Faithful to the end to all.”


“Couple weeks and a mountain of legal paperwork later, my aunt and uncle had full custody. Not that dad cared; he never once made the slightest effort to keep me. Didn’t even show up during any of it. Just kept sending his lawyer with orders to sign whatever he needed to in order to hoof me over to them. There wasn’t much Dot or Silver could do about that, really; it’s not like they wanted things to be that way either, but what else could they do? Sure they thought it’d be best if I was with my dad, who wouldn’t? But the way he was acting, they feared for me, feared he was in no condition to take care of me, so they did the next best thing and took me in instead. That’s never really stopped hurting. I mean, I know they love me, and I love ‘em back, but… they’re not dad. He gave me up, he abandoned me when I needed him most: not my aunt, not my uncle, my dad. Barring a miracle, I don’t think that’ll ever stop hurting.”

By now it was well past midnight. It was a particularly dark night, the moon and stars concealed by billowy clouds, and the fire had all but burned out, with nothing but a few glowing embers where vibrant flames had been but a few hours ago.

“So that’s it then. You’re sure that’s where you can mark the turn?” Aucune tactfully asked. Derpy didn’t hesitate to respond. No point in hiding from the truth anymore now that it was out.

“Yep, that’s it all right. That’s when things just… nothing was right anymore. I wasn’t right anymore. Dot and Silver tried their best, but like I said, they weren’t my parents, and when they had triplets about a year after adopting me, well, between their kids and their work, they didn’t exactly have all that much time for me. I don’t resent them for that; I never should’ve been that much a part of their life anyway, so the fact that they were able to do as much as they did for me means a lot to this day. But still, it never quite filled that hole left by mom and dad, and it’s been consuming me ever since. I just didn’t know it. Or, maybe I did and just wasn’t willing to admit it. I don’t know.”

“In any case, yes, things have only gone steadily from bad to worse since then, no matter how you spin it. You’ve seen it yourself: I’m easily distracted, my flying and movements are clumsy at best, and really, I just have a hard time doing anything right at all. When I was starting out on my own I tried to join the weather brigade, like mom; they gave me three chances when they only had to give me one, and I still flunked every last one of ‘em. I just wasn’t a good enough flier. After that, I couldn’t even stay in Cloudsdale, I was so ashamed. My mom had left behind this great legacy, but there I was, a pegasus who could barely even fly in a city full of nothing but pegasi. It was humiliating. So I decided to go groundside instead; figured there had to be something I’d be good at down there.”

“I can imagine that was a difficult decision to make. Born and raised in Cloudsdale your whole life; certainly couldn’t have been easy to leave,” Aucune surmised. “Where did you decide to go?”

“Put a lot of thought into it. I didn’t have too much money of my own, and even though mom had left me a pretty sizeable inheritance, I wanted to save that for something really worthwhile. So after looking at my options, I decided to move to the little village that mom had saved: I went to Ponyville. That wasn’t the only reason I went there, mind you; the town’s young and still growing, so there were lots of jobs and opportunities to be had. But yeah, I guess part of it was I wanted to learn more about the place mom had died for. That, and be close to her I guess… sorta. It sure wasn’t easy at first; I tried to join the local weather team, since a couple of old friends from Cloudsdale and Flight Camp were on it, but I was way too much of a hazard to hire. After searching high and low all over town, I finally got a job with the Ponyville Post Office. Nothing special, but it was a job.”

“Things weren’t so bad after that, or at least I tried to tell myself they weren’t. I quickly developed an “illustrious” reputation as the town dunce, though most ponies weren’t that mean about it, even if they laughed at my many, many blunders. Work was never easy and I always made plenty of mistakes that got me chewed out by my supervisors. But still, Ponyville was good to me, even if life wasn’t; I had a job, a nice little place in town, and some good friends. After keeping at it long enough, I must’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t ask for any more than that, that I couldn’t expect any more. That was just my lot in life, and I accepted it. Then… then I hit rock bottom.”

“Indeed you did,” Aucune agreed. “How in Equestria did you manage to land yourself in the Manehattan Correctional Facility on, what was it, reckless endangerment charges?”

“Public endangerment, actually,” Derpy sourly corrected. “And let’s just say that I had a delivery to make to Manehattan that went down really badly.” Aucune raised an eyebrow, provoking an exasperated eye roll from Derpy in turn. “Really, really, really badly, OK?” she reiterated once more.

“I’ll take you at your word and leave it at that,” he acceded.

“Thank you. Like I said, I hit rock bottom; I mean, can’t get much worse than prison, right, especially when it’s your own incompetence and nothing else that lands you there? That, and you of course, finally woke me up, made me realize just how wrong my life is. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be yet, but I do know now that it’s not supposed to be that. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, maybe even bearable, but it’s not me, and I can’t live with that anymore. I just can’t, I won’t! But I guess it’s up to me now, where I go from here. In the end, it’s gotta be me who takes control of my life; that’s why we’re up here, right? That’s what we’re here to figure out: if I can be the pony that I want to be.”

“Quite right, Miss Hooves.” For some time after that the two were silent, like they’d forgotten what they were even talking about just now.

“All right, so how do we do this?” Derpy finally asked.

“It’s simple enough in theory. You’ve established what your demons are, and now you must overcome them. You, and you alone.”

“OK, I got that, but how?”

Think, Miss Hooves. These are demons of the mind and soul, not the body, even if your motor skills do suffer for them. Our faculties are capable of extraordinary feats if called to the task, and here, as far removed from the rest of the world as we could be, your mind can experience a true peace and solitude ideal for begetting the highest cognizance. If you can focus on your demons and nothing else, then salvation will come to you. There is nothing else up here to worry about: no pain, no problems, nopony who needs you. Here, there are only your demons and yourself. Meditate upon them long enough, hard enough, and eventually you will comprehend the path to your new beginning and finally be able to set out on it.”

Somewhat understandably, Derpy was just a bit underwhelmed by Aucune’s directions. Seriously, that’s what they’d climbed all the way up there for? To let her think.

I guess it kinda makes sense in a way. I don’t know what I expected, but I suppose I knew it wouldn’t be anything really melodramatic, like being cured by some sort of magic or anything like that. But really, meditating? He seriously wants me to just think away 16 years’ worth of being unable to do anything right?

“Exactly how long is this supposed to take?”

“As long as is required,” Aucune bluntly answered. “We are not descending this mountain until after you have experienced a profound transfiguration. You must keep your faculties rigidly disciplined throughout the process; you cannot engage in any discourse at any point, either with me or yourself, and you will only eat once a day at a time of your choosing (so choose wisely). You may meditate in this space wherever you desire, and if I were you I’d search very carefully for just the right spot. One should never underestimate the power that an aesthetically pleasing locale can have for restoring peace of mind. Beyond that, I can offer no further assistance; your fate now rests in your own hooves, Miss Hooves. I pray that you may find what you’ve been looking for, here high above the rest of the world.”


OK, deep breath, deep breath, deep breath, and… focus.

You know your demons, you just got to overcome them. Simple Derpy, really simple. Well, should be… except it hasn’t been. Whatever, doesn’t matter. Focus.

I can be so much more, want to be, just gotta get over these blocks. So I lost mom and dad 16 years ago, so what? It happened, but that doesn’t define who I am, I do! Mom died, it happened, dad left, it happened, but you know… I mean, it’s not that big of a… shoot, I don’t know, ughhhhh, c’mon, focus!

It won’t hurt anymore if you don’t let it, alright? Forget about it. Forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it, for- oh who am I kidding? I can’t just forget about it! It’s just too much, means too much, changed too much. I can’t just pretend like it never happened, that’s not the answer. But how do I get over it if I let it stick with me? Come on, come on, focus!

Horsefeathers, why couldn’t life be simpler, huh? Why all this? Why me? Who would’ve- no, stop it! You’re getting distracted again. Focus on your goal, not on what could’ve been. The past is the past, can’t change that, but what I can control is my future. Focus focus focus focus focus focus focus!

Find peace.

Know peace.

Live peace.

All you gotta do is… well I… um… damn it, this is going nowhere! Sun, moon, and stars, what in the hay am I doing wrong? What am I missing here? What, what, what?!

Breaking down, Derpy began stamping about the edge of the pool, swishing her tail in agitation. In her distracted state, she didn’t even notice a root from the nearby oak tree jutting out in her path; an instant later, however, she was very much aware of the protruding plant as she found herself face down in the dirt after becoming well acquainted with it. Now fuming, Derpy picked herself up from the unflattering fall and, tromping over to the tree, began unleashing her frustrations upon it, wildly swinging at it with her forelegs and futilely punching its trunk time and time and time again. She just kept delivering blow after blow, one punch after another until her hooves were numbed and throbbing in pain, but she didn’t care.

Why.

Is.

Nothing.

Working.

Finally, overwhelmed by both exhaustion and an oppressive sense of despair, Derpy collapsed where she stood, burying her face in her hooves. Warm tears wet her fur as she quietly sobbed.

Nothing’s working… nothing… nothing… nothing.

It’d been three days since Derpy had begun her meditations, but in all that time she’d failed to even come close to finding some semblance of inner peace. If anything, the tumult within her soul had only gotten worse. Every time she thought back to her mother’s death, her father’s desertion, she simply couldn’t get past them. The old wounds kept reopening, fresh as ever before, and the hurt, the unbearable sense of loss, clouded her thoughts every single time. Instead of peace, all she felt was anger, betrayal, and sorrow; instead of freedom, all she found was bondage, a captivity from which it seemed there was no escape. She was but a thrall to her demons, always at their mercy, and all that they brought out of her were deep-seated feelings of anguish and, if she let them take her too far, hatred even. It was like they were a hurdle that, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t clear.

This can’t be the way. It just can’t. I mean, Aucune can’t possibly expect this, can he? He does get awfully angry sometimes, whenever he talks about injustice and stuff, but most of the time he’s so calm and collected. Anger, heartache, hate: these feelings can’t possibly bring me peace! So why can’t I get past them? What am I missing, what am I overlooking? There’s something inside, I just... ugh, I know it’s there, but what, what is it?

At long last, her latest wave of angst burned out, Derpy arose, merely trying to figure out where to go from here. Maybe a change of scenery would help.

Ever so slowly, Derpy began plodding away at a gentle pace, her forelegs still tender from her senseless bout with an oak tree just now. As she scanned the hollow for a spot in which she might better contemplate the troubles on her mind, Derpy couldn’t help but notice that Aucune was nowhere to be found. In all likelihood he was probably around there somewhere, but these last few days it’d seemed like he popped in and out as he pleased, so whatever he was up to was really anypony’s guess. For as long as it was taking Derpy to figure things out, though, Aucune, all things considered, had been quite reasonable and patient; in fact, the few times Derpy had even seen him, it seemed he’d been meditating same as she was, albeit far more effectually from the looks of things.

True to his word, they hadn’t spoken to each other once since she’d begun. The silence here was very bizarre at times, a quiet unlike any Derpy had ever experienced before, but there was no denying that it made reflecting upon everything far easier. Of course, the only problem now was that she kept going in circles in her head, try as she might to find that elusive peace she so desperately pined for.

After a moment’s search, Derpy’s eyes fell on a clump of apple trees nearby. Her stomach growled as images of sweet, juicy apples danced inside her head. Besides the troubles she was having with her meditations, Derpy had by no means been a fan of her regulated diet over the last three days. Yeah, she knew that self-discipline was important and all for her training, but the fact was Derpy liked eating, liked it a lot, plain and simple. Who didn’t? Her meals since joining the Order had been sparse enough as it was, but at least they were three square meals a day. Now Aucune expected her to limit herself to one meal a day until she figured things out? That was just downright cruel!

They’re probably not grown in yet, but… it can’t hurt to check, right? I’m sure Aucune won’t mind if I get my mind off my stomach with just a little snack.

Confirming the coast was clear, Derpy bustled over to the clump of trees with haste. Unfortunately, her fears were confirmed as she drew nearer; nothing but the trees’ flowers had grown in, which made sense, seeing as it was still the middle of spring. Still, she combed each tree carefully, but there was nothing, not so much as the tiniest bit of fruit in sight.

Well that figures. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for just one little apple right about now. Feather me, why did I have to go and eat lunch so early today? Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk… darn it, that sounds good too right about now, spilled or not! OK, focus Derpy, nothing you can do about it, just get your mind off of food.

Laying on her back beneath one of the apple trees, Derpy hesitantly turned her train of thought back to the task at hoof. She knew she had to try something different, but what that was remained a mystery. Whatever she did, she was resolved to stay as far away as possible from dwelling upon her demons themselves. If anything, thinking about them hadn’t helped one bit, that much was certain. The only question now was what could she think about?

As she looked up, her mind drawing a blank, Derpy fixed her gaze on the overhanging white flowers of the apple blossoms. The sun was just starting to dip below the mountain’s summit, and in the final, departing rays of light, the flowers transformed into a pattern of white transparency, delicate in their beauty.

Bet they’re just like that back home right about now. That perfect point where you just want every last flower petal to keep hanging on because it just looks so pretty, like a painting that should never, ever change, not in a million years.

Her thoughts drifted to Ponyville, to the hundreds of apple trees that had always dotted the rolling hills around it as long as she’d been there, even when she’d first visited as a filly all those years ago. One in particular stuck out in her mind, one single, solitary tree that meant more to her than all the others ever could.

Mom’s always looks especially nice this time of year. Even when the petals start to fall, they dot around her headstone. Kinda like the town’s laying flowers for her every spring. Can’t believe it’s grown as big as it has; seems like only yesterday that it was a freshly planted sapling.

An image of the once miniscule sapling came rushing back to the forefront of her mind, the first time she’d ever laid eyes on it on that dark day so long ago. Seemed like there was an endless abundance of memories from that day to draw from, but one in particular now drowned out all the others, one singular moment that stood out from all the rest.

Oddly enough, it wasn’t something that had happened at the funeral. That would forever remain ingrained in Derpy’s mind, but now she looked back at something that had happened afterwards…


On top of everything else the citizens of Ponyville had done to augment the occasion, they’d been kind enough to offer the town hall to Ditzy’s family for the reception held following the funeral. At first things had gone as well as could be expected; family and friends reminisced about Ditzy, swapping stories and memories like you’d see at any funeral reception. It wasn’t long, though, until the elephant in the room had reared its big, ugly head; Doos and Hooves started quarreling with each other over Hardy Hooves’s absence and whether or not he deserved custody of Derpy, or if he even wanted her. Ugly words were exchanged, pent up anger unleashed, and even a few punches thrown, despite cooler heads like Aunt Dot trying in vain to prevail.

Things had only gotten uglier and uglier, and for Derpy, it’d been the last straw, so she’d done the only thing that a distraught filly surrounded by feuding relatives at her own mom’s funeral reception could do: she ran. All she wanted at that moment was to be by her mama, and so that’s exactly where she aimed to go. But when she got outside town hall, she realized she had no idea where anything was in this town, much less how to get back to her mom’s gravesite. So she did the next best thing: flapping her little wings as hard as she could, Derpy managed to get up to the cupola atop town hall, the tallest fixture on any building in town.

Circling about it a couple times, she soon spotted it; in spite of the fact that the apple sapling (the most prominent marker of the spot) was still very little, it hadn’t been all that hard to find, seeing as it really was the only notable feature on the otherwise bare hill. For some time after that she simply leaned against the cupola’s railing and cried some more, just staring off into the distance at that empty spot that looked so lonely now. It didn’t stay empty for long, however.

Just as the sun began its descent beneath the horizon, all of a sudden it appeared to come to a stop, just sort of hanging there motionless in the sky. Derpy at first was sure she was just seeing things, but then… then she appeared. The most radiant figure she’d ever seen in her life, majestically lighting down atop the hill where her mother now rested.

Even though she’d never seen her before in real life, Derpy knew who she was in an instant; after all, she was probably the most recognizable figure in all of Equestria. Like most fillies her age, Derpy knew all about Princess Celestia, whether from storybooks or tales her mother had told her of seeing the princess herself while she’d still lived in Canterlot when she was a young mare, but nothing, no amount of pictures or even the most vivid of descriptions, was an adequate substitute for actually seeing her. Even from this distance, her majesty was very much apparent: her coat, white as the purest snow, her flowing mane and tail of many hues, glistening with an unearthly shimmer, and her stature. She was so… big! Not fat or anything, but there was no denying that she was the largest pony Derpy had ever seen, considering her height, plus those massive wings and horn of hers.

For the moment, Derpy almost forgot about her own sorrow as she stared in awe at the unexpected visitor. The alicorn princess slowly approached the fresh grave, wings neatly tucked at her side. From her perch atop the cupola, the only thing that Derpy could make out was the princess bowing her head low as she stood above the grave, but it didn’t take her long to figure out what she was doing. Even when she discerned it, however, she still couldn’t quite believe it. Princess Celestia, the steward of the sun, moon, and stars, ruler of all of Equestria, and protector of all its inhabitants was… grieving.

“Ah, there you are. We’ve been looking all over for you.”

Derpy jumped and whirled around, startled by the unfamiliar voice. Upon finding herself face-to-face with the strange royal guard from earlier, even more imposing up close in her armor than she was from afar, the frightened filly practically shrank to half her size. Hovering above the cupola, the guard set down on its landing just a few feet away from Derpy. Before she said another word, however, she stopped and stared straight over Derpy’s head, regarding the princess from afar. Now the stern look she’d borne just a second ago vanished; for a moment, she only regarded the princess with an emotionless expression, then she turned to Derpy and scrutinized her with the same blank look.

Once she’d taken stock of the situation, the guard’s eyes softened, and she removed her helmet, revealing a cropped, chestnut-colored mane. Setting the helmet down, she slowly approached the still-fearful Derpy, still very rigid and deliberate in her movements but now bearing a barely perceptible, almost apologetic countenance. Bending down, she gently nudged Derpy and whispered, “It’s okay, we don’t have to go anywhere, it’s fine.”

Understanding her meaning, Derpy turned around and resumed watching the princess. A moment later she felt something warm and soft gently brush against her side. Looking up, she saw that the guard had settled next to her, sitting on her haunches, and had tenderly draped a wing about her. The guard stared straight ahead, eyes fixed on the princess, and seemed somewhat hesitant in her action, unsure whether or not the wing hug was welcome or even wanted. However, her doubts were dispelled when Derpy leaned against her side, and she tightened her wing’s embrace.

For awhile, the two unlikely companions sat there and just kept watching the scene at Ditzy’s gravesite. Likewise, the princess remained stock-still as well, head bowed; they couldn’t be sure if she was saying something or simply paying her respects in silence, but it didn’t matter, especially not to Derpy. Princess Celestia was there, saying goodbye to her mama. She probably never even met her, but there she was all the same, saying goodbye. That really meant something to Derpy, that she’d do something like that.

Tears that she thought suppressed came forth once more, but this time it didn’t hurt so much to shed them. Maybe it was that she didn’t feel so alone now in her sadness. The funeral had been beautiful, but it had been so soon afterwards that she’d been reminded of the grim reality the future now held for her by her relative’s squabbling down below. She didn’t need that. Not now, not today. All she needed on this day was to say goodbye to her mama. That’s why she’d run, to run away from the bad, which was so very real now, and that’s what made it so hard to swallow. She’d run because saying goodbye hurt less than anything else right now, even if she had to say goodbye alone. But now these two were here, one afar, one right by her side, and things weren’t so bad. Sure she didn’t know either of them, but they were here, and they were saying goodbye just like little Derpy, shedding tears in their own way just like her.

Derpy’s fresh tears wet the guard’s armor and pale yellow fur, but if it irked her at all she didn’t show it. She sat still as a statue, exuding a disciplined serenity. Only her one wing enfolding Derpy remained in motion, stroking her as soothingly as she could. Gentle, tender loving care wasn’t exactly her forte, and her movements revealed as much; they were stiff and awkward, clearly something she wasn’t very comfortable with or experienced at. But it was enough. To Derpy, it felt like her mother; the warmth of her fur, the softness of her feathers, all of it felt just like her. For the first time in a long while, the tiniest of smiles spread on Derpy’s lips. Just then, Princess Celestia finally raised her head, standing tall and regal once more. A blinding flash of light burst forth where she stood, and a split second later she was gone. A few minutes later, the sun resumed its descent, finally bringing a close to the day.

“I know it hurts right now,” the guard said unexpectedly, gazing down at Derpy, “I know it must hurt so much. Probably feels like you’ve lost everything. But let me tell you something: your mother will never, ever really leave you. Everything she was to you, everything she gave to you and every other pony whose lives she touched, all that she was, that’ll never die. That’ll stay with you for the rest of your life. If you look hard enough, you’ll even find it in others as you grow older. Because something so beautiful, so pure, so strong… nothing can ever kill that. Remember that little one, remember it and carry it with you all your days. Not just for your mother, but for yourself, because that’s what she’d want for you. That’s all she’d want.”


That’s when it hit her. Like a thousand bolts of lightning striking all at once, a tidal wave of understanding swept over her in an instant. She caught her breath, heart pounding in her chest, overcome by her discovery.

Oh my gosh… that’s it! Can it really be that simple? Can it?

But it was. In the pit of her being, she just knew it was. This was it. This was her salvation.

Love.

Another wave surged through her, even better than the first, as she became more and more certain of it.

Yes. Yes, love, that… why didn’t I ever see it before? It was always there right in front of my own eyes! My aunt and uncle, my friends, family, anypony who’s ever touched my life… and mom. She’s never left me. That love, she’s still showering me with that same love that she gave to me every day of her life. She laid down her life because she loved me so, because she knew that not even death could ever destroy her love. It’s lived on, strong as ever before; but it wasn’t just for me that she died. She died for every pony she loved, for ponies she never even met but loved all the same, because… because there’s nothing greater in life! There’s nothing so beautiful, so pure, so strong as love, nothing more precious we can give to one another every day of our lives. It’s something bigger than her, bigger than death; it was before her, and it’s lived on after her, because it’s always lived on, it’s always been there and always will be, in each and every one of us.

As long as life prevails, so will love, because they’re one and the same, and if we just look hard enough, we can find it almost anywhere. I’ve been blind for so long, but now I see! There is love in and all around me, beautiful, pure, strong, and with love, I can do anything, I can be anything! I don’t have to be handicapped by the past; no amount of grief, sorrow, loss, or anger can compare to the love mom left me, left to everypony she could. I see it now, I see that there is nothing more beautiful or meaningful that we can give of ourselves in this life than love. It’s timeless, deathless, eternal, and now that I know it, now that I see it in all its beauty, I know what I must do with it. I’ve got to live just like mom; I’ve got to give it to as many ponies as I can, touch their lives with love in whatever way I can just as she did every day of her life.

On Celestia and Luna’s names, this I swear: I will live and breathe the love I’ve always been blessed with all my days, no matter what fate has in store for me. From this day forth, love will be my life, for love is life.

With that, Derpy shot up from where she lay. She was almost panting, practically gasping for breath, so great was her excitement. A calm, a great, soothing joy like none she’d ever felt coursed through her. It was as if the heaviest of yokes had been lifted from her shoulders, replaced by the most staggeringly wondrous sensation. The shackles were gone, and the road ahead, while certainly not entirely clear or certain, was at least now in sight.

Wow… so this is peace? Just… wow.

Night had come, and a full moon now gleamed overhead, its pale rays shining down upon her. She’d never seen a more beautiful night in all her life. For some time she just stared up at that heavenly orb in the sky, soaking in everything she was now feeling, experiencing. It was a lot to take in all at once!

“I take it you found what you were looking for?” a familiar voice chimed in. Derpy turned her gaze away to meet Aucune’s own, an electrified look upon her face.

“I- I think so. I’ve never felt anything like this before, or at least not for a long time,” she said, half-afraid it would all disappear any second now, as suddenly as it had come over her. Aucune, however, only beamed, a smile spreading across his face unlike any Derpy had ever seen on him before. Chuckling, he laid a hoof upon her back.

“Oh, I’d say you have. Why don’t you take a look for yourself, Miss Hooves?” he suggested, gesturing toward a nearby pool. Confused but compliant, Derpy trotted over and stared into the water’s surface, uncertain what she was looking for. A second later, however, she found it.

My eyes!

For the first time since that dark day 16 years ago, Derpy’s eyes were perfectly leveled. Staring at her new reflection, it felt like she was staring at a completely different mare, and not just because of the eyes. Everything looked different now, felt different. For lack of a better word, she looked like herself, felt like herself, who she’d wanted to be, had known that she was, for so very long.

Now new tears came forth, only this time they weren’t tears of sorrow, or frustration, or anger: they were tears of joy. Bounding over to Aucune, the ecstatic Derpy threw her hooves around his neck, wrapping him in the warmest, tightest embrace she could.

“Thank you… thank you!” she kept repeating over and over again. Much to her surprise, Aucune returned the hug with one of his own.

“Don’t thank me, this is your victory, not mine. I’m very proud of you Derpy. Very, very proud of you.” The two remained like that for an immeasurable amount of time, teacher and student locked in an affectionate embrace beneath the glow of the moon.

And so Derpy’s old demons were conquered. What lay ahead for her now was anypony’s guess, including her own. But at least this much was certain: her life was fully in her hooves now, and what she did with it was all up to her. All of it was all up to her.