Caps Lock mumbled quietly as he trudged home. He’d let himself be defeated far too easily. Had it been in an epic troll-off, he wouldn’t have been so upset, but being ignored was a disgraceful way to lose. A game or two of Battle Stallion 3 and he’d be back on his hooves and full of new ideas for a new day.
Before he even opened his front door, he could hear his parents shouting at each other. He stood outside with his hoof on the doorknob, hoping that maybe they’d calm down before he entered. After a moment, the shouting only got louder and he heard his father’s voice approaching the door. Caps Lock opened the door and his father huffed out without even looking at him. His mother ran screaming after him, and Caps Lock slipped in unnoticed behind her.
He grabbed a soda from the refrigerator and locked himself in his bedroom. The tiny space was cramped and cluttered with trash, even though his family had only just moved in. The only things he’d bothered to unpack after the move was his TV, and his gaming system.
With the push of a button, his TV screen lit up and “Battle Stallion 3” appeared in big bold letters. Caps Lock put on his headset and selected “multiplayer” from the menu options. It took only a few moments for him to be thrown into a lobby full of other players.
“What up, bitches?!” Caps Lock shouted into his microphone. Instantly, a collective groan went through the lobby.
“Oh, not him again,” one of the players moaned, the microphone icon appearing next to his gamer name.
“Dude, back out, back out! I’m not facing this ass again,” another player shouted. The two players disappeared from the lobby and the game began searching for new opponents.
“They can’t handle my swag!” Caps Lock shouted. He took a drink of his soda and burped loudly into his headset. Another moan went through the lobby. Eventually, two replacement players joined in, and the match got ready to begin.
“Oh no, that fag QwikScopz99 is on our team,” an older sounding player muttered.
Caps Lock looked at his team to see which one of them was talking. The list went from highest rank to lowest, and of course Caps Lock, A.K.A. QwickScopz99, was on the top. At the bottom of the list was BatPwny, and he continued to talk.
“I bet he boosted for that rank,” BatPwny went on.
“Hey! What was that?” Caps Lock shouted. “I can’t hear you all the way at the top of the leaderboard!” The screen went black as the map began loading and Caps Lock screamed a high pitch scream into his microphone.
“Shut the hell up! Ugh! Why didn’t I mute you?!” a voice shouted. Caps Lock loved the fact he couldn’t be muted while the game was loading, so every pony in the lobby had to listen to him.
At long last, the map loaded and Caps Lock began choosing his load out. Every single one had the most over powered weapons and perks, and he chose a quick scoping class. The match timer counted down and the second it hit zero, Caps Lock mashed on his controller. The stallion on the screen reared back and lobbed an explosive into the air. A few moments later, there was an explosion and Caps Lock was awarded credit for two kills.
“You bitches all see that?!” Caps Lock laughed into his headset. He sent his character into a frenzy of spins and crouches while firing his rifle into the air.
“Dude, just shut up and help us take the point,” BatPwny shouted. His character ran past Caps Lock’s character and toward the objective point.
Caps Lock stopped spinning and watched his teammate approaching some explosive barrels. He grinned and zoomed in on the barrels. As soon as BatPwny was passing by them, Caps Lock pulled his trigger and the barrels exploded. BatPwny’s character flew through the air like a ragdoll and was credited for committing suicide.
“TROLOLOLOL!” Caps Lock laughed.
“DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK?!” BatPwny shouted as Caps Lock celebrated his penalty-free betrayal.
“Quit dicking around and help me take the point!” a young female voice shouted through their headsets.
“OH EHM GEE! IS THAT A FILLY?!” Caps Lock yelled excitedly. He moved his character toward the point and saw his teammate B4DS33D prone on the ground by a flag. “Yo, B-four-D-S, send me a friend request!”
“It’s Bad Seed, you moron, and no!” the filly shouted with a Manehatten accent. An explosive landed next to the filly’s stallion and beeped before exploding. B4DS33D killed by Cider Monkey appeared in the kill feed.
Caps Lock brought his sniper up to his eye and pulled the trigger before anything was visible through the scope. He heard a *ping* and got credit for a killing Cider Monkey. “Quick scoped!” he shouted triumphantly.
“You’re such a fag,” BatPwny said. “I’m outta here.”
The screen froze and “Connection interrupted: Migrating Host” appeared in big letters. “Lol, rage quit!” Caps Lock said. One by one, all the players in the lobby lost connection, leaving only him in the game. The game reloaded and Caps Lock began firing his sniper into the air triumphantly.
An announcer accompanied a message that appeared in the middle of the screen. “Enemy team forfeiting in five, four, three, two…” Before the game could end, several new players joined the game and were spread between the two teams.
Caps Lock barely paid any attention to the gamer names and sent his character to his favorite “camping” spot on the map. All was quiet as his new teammates chose their load outs and got ready for battle. The enemy team had connected first, and Caps Lock saw two of them approaching his spot. Before he could raise his weapon, his character rag dolled and blood exploded from its head.
“What was that?!” he shouted, looking to the kill feed. “QwickScopz99 killed by SunButt69. "No! Not him again!” he shouted. The player known as SunButt69 was the only reason he’d failed to get his K/D ratio to 4.0 the prior weekend. He’d followed Caps Lock into every game and killed him every time he spawned.
“Aw dude, four strength, four stam leather belt, AUGH! Level 18? UHHH!”
Caps Lock brought up the lobby list and saw his new teammate Disco Chord420 was mic spamming with a sound board. Before he could mute the player, his character dropped dead again; victim to SunButt69. “Oh come on!” Caps Lock shouted.
“Yes, let the hate flow through you,” a deeper voice said, coming from Disco. Caps Lock gritted his teeth and chose his best weapon load out. He didn’t have time to mute his annoying teammate, and he ran back to the point he’d been contesting. He didn’t get more than two feet from it before his character’s head exploded again. This time, he chose to watch his kill cam, and saw SunButt69 quick scoping him from across the map.
Disco Chord420 was back where he’d spawned, emptying his machine gun into the air and spinning rapidly. All the while, low quality dubstep blared through his mic. Caps Lock tried to ignore it while he ran back to where he kept dying. This time, another player encountered him. Caps Lock shot at them, but they dropped to the ground and shot at him simultaneously
“Fucking drop-shotter!” Caps shouted. He had to wait five seconds before spawning back in and didn’t want to watch the kill cam. Instead, he watched as the player that killed him positioned their stallion over his dead body. “Don’t do it,” he said angrily. There was a short pause before the enemy stallion began popping squats on his dead character’s face.
Caps Lock brought up the kill feed and saw it was NMM1337 that had killed him. “NMM! You’re my bitch for the rest of this game!” he shouted. As soon as he spawned, he was shot in the face by a shotgun and dropped dead. NMM1337 was standing next to his teammate Disco Chord and both began “tea-bagging” his body.
“The enemy team is nearing victory!” the announcer’s voice shouted. One by one, Caps Lock’s teammates began leaving until it was just him and Disco. When he finally got to spawn back in, he was placed on the opposite side of the map. He saw two enemies with their backs turned to him and began firing. Before he could kill either, SunButt69 came out of nowhere. The enemy tossed a tomahawk that embedded right in Caps Lock’s character’s head, killing him instantly.
“ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!” Caps Lock shouted, nearly throwing his controller across his room. The match ended and he could hear uproarious laughter coming from the enemy team.
“Sister! Sister! Did you see that?” SunButt69 asked with a distinctly feminine voice.
“We did, sister!” NMM1337 replied excitedly in a female voice as well. “Let’s watch it again!” Everyone in the game watched as the final kill cam of the game was played from SunButt69’s perspective. Her stallion was levitating the tomahawk long before Caps Lock spawned in. It jumped off a ledge and spun around in slow motion before releasing the tomahawk. The throwing projectile spun through the air and zeroed in on Caps Lock.
A collective “OHHHH!” went through the lobby as the stallion dropped to the ground. The screen went black and the players were returned to a pre-game lobby.
“You’re a bitch, SunButt!” Caps Lock shouted, his voice cracking. The lobby laughed at how young he sounded.
“We have a squeaker!” SunButt69 shouted. Another laugh went through the lobby.
“And you sound like you’re forty! Shut up!” Caps Lock replied. Before they could reply, he backed out of the lobby. A commotion started outside Caps Lock’s room as his parents burst back into the house. He turned up his headset volume and tried to ignore them.
He began searching for a new game and after a moment, it made him the host for other players to connect to. Almost instantly, SunButt, NMM, and Disco joined his lobby. Before any of them could say anything, the argument outside Caps Lock’s room exploded. A full lobby connected and everypony stopped their conversations to listen to Caps Lock’s parents.
“Dude, who has the shitty mic? Turn that shit down! It sounds like somepony is getting raped!” one of the new players commented.
“That would be QwickScopz,” SunButt commented. “It sounds like his parents’ marriage was ruined after he was born.”
The lobby laughed and Caps Lock rage quit from it. An icon blinked in the top left corner of his screen, indicating he had a new message. He opened his inbox and saw there was a message from Disco Chord420. The subject was, ‘Sweet Dreams’ and Caps Lock opened it out of curiosity. A photo of a laughing, blood spattered clown flashed across his screen and carnival music blared through his headset.
He literally pissed himself. It took him about twenty minutes to recover, and when he did, he snuck his urine soaked bedding out of his room and past his parents. His father and mother were now on the couch screaming, only not at each other anymore. Caps Lock tossed the bedding into the laundry room, grabbed another soda, and returned to his room.
His inbox now said he had over a hundred messages; all from SunButt, NMM, and Disco. Some of the messages were pictures, some were voice messages, and others were game invites. A new game invite from SunButt69 appeared at the top of the list as Caps Lock was deleting them. After a moment of contemplation, he accepted it and was thrown into their lobby.
“There he is!” Disco Chord said, no longer using a sound board. Caps Lock couldn’t help but think he sounded like a pedophile.
“What do you asses want?” Caps Lock asked angrily. The three older players snickered quietly, but managed to keep their laughter in check.
“Your 3.48 K/D is really impressive,” NMM said with a hint of sarcasm. “We would like you to join our clan!”
“Yeah! All you have to do is sign up at lemonparty.org. I assure you, it’s very easy!” SunButt69 said, trying to hold back laughter.
“Do you think I’m stupid?” Caps Lock shouted. “I know what that site is!”
“He has passed the first test!” Disco Chord shouted triumphantly. Without warning, their lobby joined with another one and the countdown clock began.
Caps Lock looked at the game type and his heart sank. “Why are we in hardcore?” he asked nervously.
“It is excellent experience!” NMM shouted unnecessarily. There was a brief pause and the mare shouted in falsetto, “Hey, KillerSWAG! I had intercourse with your mother!”
The screen had gone blank as the map began to load, leaving no time for KillerSWAG to see who had spoken. “Who the fuck said that?” he shouted angrily.
“I think it was that QwickScopz faggot!” a different falsetto voice shouted. Even Caps Lock couldn’t tell who it was. Before he could object, the match started and his character was shot to death from behind. KillerSWAG ran forward and began knifing at the corpse.
“Dude!” Caps Lock shouted angrily. “That wasn’t me!”
“You’re a fuckin’ liar, you little bitch!” KillerSWAG said. He ran off as Caps Lock spawned back in.
Caps sprinted through the forest the match took place in, and got to his favorite glitch spot. He positioned his character between two rocks so only the barrel of his gun was sticking out. He’d been there less than five seconds when SunButt ran in front of him.
“Move!” he shouted, as SunButt strafed back and forth in his line of sight. Three enemies came down the path and SunButt gunned them all down. “Those were my kills!” Caps Lock shouted. Without a word, SunButt turned and put two bullets into Caps Lock’s head.
“Oh dear,” she said with fake surprise. “You startled me!”
Caps Lock spawned in and was instantly sniped by KillerSWAG. “DUDE! SERIOUSLY?”
“Why the Hell did you walk in front of me while I was sniping?!” KillerSWAG shouted.
“I spawned there!”
“Minotaur shit!”
“WE HAVE OUR PEGASI SWARM!” NMM shouted joyously. Hundreds of pegasi appeared in the sky, dropping bombs all around the map. Caps Lock sent his character for cover in a building and switched to his shotgun. An enemy rounded the corner and as he pulled the trigger, KillerSWAG jumped in front of him. Both his teammate and his enemy dropped dead.
“That was an accident!” Caps Lock shouted before Killer could start yelling at him. Suddenly, Disco Chord420 ran into the building and stood behind Caps Lock.
“I got you a present, Mr. Scopz,” Disco said deviously. Caps turned to look at his teammate and saw him holding a lump of plastic explosives. Before he could move, Disco tossed it at the ground and detonated it, blowing them both up.
“Why did you do that?!” Caps Lock shouted.
“My apologies, I thought it was a first aid kit!” Disco shouted, before taking his shotgun and shooting the newly spawned stallion in the back of the head. “Oh, and I thought you were an enemy that time!”
KillerSWAG silently left the game, leaving only the four players. Caps Lock continuously spawned out of cover, only to be blow up by NMM’s pegasi swarm. Of course, kill streak betrayals counted as deaths, and Caps Lock had a not so impressive 1-15 kill death spread.
“One more kill for the magic nuke!” NMM shouted. Caps Lock, fed up with being spawn killed by teammates and enemies alike, tossed a fragmentation grenade into the air angrily. After a few seconds, there was an explosion and Caps Lock’s screen went black.
“What happened?!” he asked angrily. He was thrown back to the pre-game lobby and the message on his screen said, Team killing is not aloud. You’ve lost one rank and can’t gain experience for five games.
A moment later, he got a voice message from NMM. He clicked play and listened to the angry mare. “THOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN! WE WILL HAUNT THEE UNTIL THE END OF TIME!”
Luna fumed after sending the message. Her sister Celestia sat on the couch next to her trying not to laugh. They each had headsets on and were levitating controllers in their different colored auras. A knock came at the door of their game room and Discord walked in. He had his own wireless headset on and a big smile on his face.
“That was fun!” Discord said, sitting between the two alicorns. “But do you think we were a little too mean?”
“No,” Luna grumbled.
Celestia smiled. “He does it to himself. The internet is no place for a foal.”