//------------------------------// // 84: Shall We Derp? // Story: Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human // by pjabrony //------------------------------// On Saturday, before Derpy went to visit Karyn, she made sure everything was taken care of so that the house could stand idle for a day. This consisted of a thorough cleaning, mailing a letter to Dinky, planning her meals for the week, and then stocking her larder with whatever fresh ingredients she decided on, plus anything she happened to be running low on. It was during her trip to the market that she had her most social time of the week. Delivering mail made her anxious to get the job done, and plenty of times she was just dropping off the letters and going. But on Saturdays, in the market, she would talk with friends. In the time that she had known Karyn, Derpy had gotten better at making friends among ponies, even ones she didn’t know. So many of them would say hello, even if they only saw her once a week. She filled her saddlebags as she ambled through the market, before feeling that somepony was watching her. A search around and upwards revealed nothing, but she couldn’t shake it. At last she heard a voice, and it sounded hesitant. “Derpy?” She let her ears locate the source. From behind one of the stands came Twilight Sparkle. “Hi, Twilight. Should I be discreet? Are you worried about everypony looking for favors from a princess?” “You don’t have to go shouting my name, but there’s no reason to keep secret. Actually, if it comes to favors, in this case I’m hoping for one in the opposite direction.” Derpy stepped back and frowned. Princess Twilight could have just about anything she needed from anypony just by asking, or by ordering it if she really wanted to be insistent. But what could she need from a mailpony? “Tomorrow is the day you go to Earth, right?” “Yeah,” said Derpy. “Well, I’ve heard rumors going around about something you might have mentioned happened a couple of weeks ago, and if it’s true, then I need your help. Yours and Karyn’s.…” *** Derpy woke up, took a look outside her window, and saw the moonlight filtering through her new tree. Clearly it was not time to get up yet, but her conversation with Twilight lingered in her mind, and she slid out from under her blanket and washed up. It was only first light when she was ready to go to Earth, and she knew that Karyn would probably still be asleep, but still she took to the air, feeling the cold of the morning dew, and transported herself. When she reached Karyn's apartment, the pale light wasn't enough for her to read by, and she didn't want to violate privacy by turning on the computer. Karyn had done her job of cleaning, so Derpy had little to complain about. She looked over everything and concluded that the best way to help would be to have breakfast on the table for when Karyn woke. In the refigerator she found the eggs, and thought about making toast as well, but she didn't want the popping of the toast to serve as an alarm clock. Coffee! That was what she needed. If Karyn smelled the coffee she would surely rise at a good pace and not be upset. Derpy looked over the coffee maker to try to figure out how it worked. At home, she boiled her coffee first and then filtered out the grounds, but she knew that Karyn's worked differently. By the time she got it working, the sun was fully up. The aroma permeated the room, but she still had time to crack the eggs and get them in the pan before she heard the sound of body against blanket as Karyn stirred. “Huh? Derpy? What time is it?” “Breakfast time, minus thirty seconds or so. Have some coffee. You look like you need it.” Karyn scratched her head and took the coffee. Once she was focused, she rolled her eyes toward her head, concentrated, and magicked her hair into being combed. “So why are you here so early, making breakfast for me? Do you need a favor?” “Oh, no. It’s nothing like that.” “Good,” said Karyn, taking another sip. “Somepony else needs a favor.” “They need it from you, and you want me to help?” Derpy grinned. “No, she needs it from you, and I’m just the go-between today.” “So when you said it was nothing like that, what you meant was that it was almost exactly like that.” “Yeah.” Karyn gobbled down the eggs that Derpy had made, then cleaned up the cooking paraphernalia. “OK. I think I’m ready to hear about it. Who wants what?” “You know Twilight Sparkle?” “Of course.” “You know the Grand Galloping Gala?” “I’ve heard of it. Is it coming up? I would think that it would be in warmer weather. But I’m interrupting you. What could Twilight possibly need me to do for the Gala?” Derpy slurped her own breakfast. “Well, as a princess she has more responsibility than just standing at the entranceway greeting everypony. She has to be part of the ceremony. She’s tried to avoid a certain responsibility, but when she hasn’t been able to, everypony says how unprincesslike she can be. That’s why she needs to learn how to dance.” It took a few moments for Karyn to make the connection. “You mean that she wants me to teach her?” “That’s right.” “But surely she can ask anypony! The best dancing instructors in Equestria would come at her command to help teach her.” Derpy shook her head. “Which means everypony else would find out. She wants to amaze them all with her abilities, both as a dancer and as a student. So she wants a teacher than no one knows. It’s logical from her perspective. “I wouldn’t say that. But what gave her the idea that I can dance anyway?” “I might have kind of let it slip when I was telling somepony about the wedding we went to a few weeks ago.” Karyn cast her memory back.” I did tell you I took a dance class, but that was only one year. I’m not that good.” “I think you were. I watched you out there, and you were the most graceful dancer.” “That doesn’t mean that I can teach what I know. My dance instructor worked with me for a long time. That’s what she does. That’s what she has a passion for. I got bored with it.” “Well, I can understand if you don’t want to,” said Derpy, “but can’t you at least try? Maybe find a book that you can lend Twilight on the theory?” “Well, that’s another thing. Every theory and instruction that I can find is going to be all about two-legged dancing. Unless Twilight is planning to do the whole thing on her hind legs, I don’t see how I’m going to be any help at all.” Resigned, Derpy brought her own dish to the sink. As Karyn watched her wings pulse with a gentle pulse instead of the normal quick rhythm, her heart melted. “Oh, come on,” she said. “Let me get on top of you and bring me to Twilight’s library. We’ll figure out something. We always do.” Grateful that she was going to make the attempt, Derpy bowed her head before lowering the rest of her body so that Karyn could mount up. Once they were in Equestria, Karyn was hoping for a few minutes to collect her thoughts and figure out how she was going to arrange her lesson, but Derpy began descending almost immediately. "Are we there already?" "The library is a lot closer to the point where we appear when we come from your apartment than my house is." Karyn exhaled. "Maybe in exchange for teaching her dancing, Twilight can teach me some of magic theory. I don't know how or why there's equivalent points. It seems to me that you should be able to go anywhere on Earth or in Equestria." "Well, it's not a teleportation spell. It's a world-switching spell. Twilight could probably craft a teleportation spell fairly easily, but that's not what this is." "I guess I just don't see the difference." Derpy shrugged and made her descent into a slow circle, which was easier for her to land from than a straight approach. It was almost a dance motion itself, Karyn thought. Could that be a way for her to introduce the concept to Twilight? Although she was not born with wings, surely by now she must be used to them, and she must fly with regularity. If Rainbow Dash or anypony had taught her about flying, that might help Karyn teach her to dance. Of course, Karyn herself didn't know much about flying, so she would need Derpy's help. Derpy's hooves touched ground and she slowed into a gallop, then a trot, then a walk, and Karyn dismounted, facing the giant tree as if it were a principal's office she was being summoned to. She knocked on the door, but didn't wait for an answer before pulling the latch and poking her head in. "Hello? Anypony home?" "Well, hello! Step right in." "Oh. Hi, Spike." Karyn tried to make her disinterest as plain as it could be. Still, Spike said, "It's good to see you again. How long has it been for us?" "There is no 'us,' Spike. I haven't seen you for a while, it's true." All at once, Spike's voice cracked. "Derpy, can I ask you for a little privacy?" "No way. I'm not leaving Karyn alone with you." "I don't mean to go away, just out of earshot. Or even so that you're not right in my face. I have something important to say to Karyn and it's going to be embarassing if I know you're listening." "Go on," said Karyn. "Just fly up to the top of the library. I'll be all right." Derpy did so, flying backwards so she could keep her eye on the two of them. Once she was perched, Spike took a deep breath and spoke so that his voice did not project. "Here's the thing. I find you really attractive, Karyn. I know that I've tried to hint at it before, but I guess you didn't like that. If the attraction isn't mutual, that's fine. I can deal with it and I'll stop trying to get with you. But I want to get it out there that I'm not just playing around. I truly like you and, if everything went my way and you liked me too, well, I'd want to try to get closer to you." "Thanks, Spike. I'm glad you could get that out. But no, I'm not attracted to you. Maybe it's because you're a dragon, and maybe it's because I remember when you were only a baby for so long and you were this precocious side character on a show, but it's just not there." "All right, then. Friends?" "Friends." "I'm very proud of you, Spike." The voice came from the top floor, but not where Derpy had lit. Twilight had come from somewhere and heard the entire exchange. "That was a very mature way to go about it." He walked back to his room, leaving Twilight to address Karyn. “So, you’re here to teach me how to dance, right?” “Well, I’ll do the best I can.” “Great! When do we start?” The moment Karyn had dreaded arrived. She now had to actually come up with something. “Well, turn on the music and let me see what you can do.” Twilight nodded and pulled out a record player. Karyn had heard of them and knew the theory, but it was her first time seeing one in operation. The music that came out of the large horn was peppy, and it only took a few bars for Karyn to figure out the beat. Twilight waited for the beginning of a phrase, and then stepped into the middle of the room. At once, Karyn knew she had a job ahead of her. Limbs were flying everywhere with no particular relation to any rhythm. If Karyn had to give it a description, it looked like a combination of the swim, the robot, and the twist. “Stop, stop!” “What, did I do it wrong?” “Well, yes, kind of,” said Karyn. “I know that you weren’t born with your wings, so I’d advise you to keep them pinned if you’re going to try dancing. Derpy, let me see how you would do it.” Karyn didn’t know if Derpy could dance or not, but she hoped that there would be something in the way she moved that would reveal how a pony could be graceful. When the beat came around again, Derpy just bobbed from side to side, occasionally throwing in a movement of her head on a downbeat. “See?” she said. “That’s what you have to do. Just stay on the beat. You can move your flanks and your—well, I don’t know all the parts of the pony, but your torso where your front hooves come from—move them in the opposite directions and that’ll be attractive. But for the most part keep your hooves on the ground. If you want to throw in a step once in a while just to not be standing in the same place, wait for the phrase to begin again and do it then. But staying on the beat is the most important thing. Don’t ever lose that.” “All this just seems too simple though,” Twilight complained. “Nopony’s going to tolerate a princess whose dance is just bouncing up and down to the music.” “But that’s what dancing is, in essence. The fancy things that professionals do are on the other end of the learning curve. Think of it this way. If you had to give a recitation of a lesson, you’d be expert at it. But if an amateur had to do that, you wouldn’t want them to mimic you, because they couldn’t do it. You’d tell them just to project, be clear, and make sure they have the right answers. Well, in this challenge, the right answer is to keep the beat, even with a simple dance.” Twilight continued to work at it. When the record reached its end, she used her magic to draw the needle back to the beginning. “It’s a little bit of a workout,” she said. “Then I should join in with you.” Derpy got up and followed Twilight’s movements. “Karyn’s always on me to work out.” “This is going to be even more difficult to do when I’m wearing my dress for the Gala.” Twilight stopped and panted for a few moments before levitating over a glass of water. “I’m going to need to build endurance as well as skill.” “Let me see this dress.” Twilight went to her closet and brought out a particularly fancy satin outfit. It was lined throughout with silver trim, and when she floated it aloft, Karyn could see the gold ornaments that were smaller versions of Princess Celestia’s regalia. “I’m going to be sweating my tail off, I just know it.” Twilight’s voice weakened. “I wouldn’t wear this if I were you.” Derpy looked at Karyn. “She’s got to.” Karyn still spoke to Twilight. “Did Rarity design this?” “No. Some fancy designer in Canterlot got the contract to provide a dress for me.” “That’s what I thought. It didn’t look like Rarity’s style. Derpy, in this case, I think Twilight needs to pull rank. Use the little gold things that go on her hoof and head, but junk the actual dress. Princess Celestia goes au naturale for the Gala, and Twilight’s should do the same.” By speaking to Derpy instead of Twilight, it sounded more like advice and less like an order. That gave Twilight the freedom to say, “That might be a good idea. I’ll have to think about it.” But everyone in the room knew that she would listen to Karyn. “All right, then. Back to work.” Twilight started up the record again. With the three of them in parallel, it reminded Karyn of some of the line dances that were popular at one point among humans. But Twilight would have to do it all on her own. They danced their way through the record a second time. Karyn sat down. “Now, this is where the IT nerd in me comes out. If I were you, I’d make sure I had that exact same record playing on that exact same record player at the Gala. Don’t trust anypony else’s equipment. It might play the record at a slightly different speed, or it might not be as loud and then you could lose the rhythm.” “Oh, this isn’t the song I’ll be dancing to at the Gala.” “What?!” Twilight was surprised at Karyn’s anger. “I thought it would be easier for you to teach me with a simple song first, and then work our way up to the one I’ll actually be using.” For a moment, Karyn was speechless. It was Derpy who recovered first. “Yeah, Twilight, that was really not the way to go. That’s like something I would do.” “No, I understand,” said Karyn. “Twilight’s wrong, but I understand why she did it that way. Twilight, you’re a student, and a darn good one. If I had your scholastic attitude, I would ace all my classes. But this isn’t like studying history or magic or something where you’re going to do the full course. This is something you need to learn quickly. What that means is that you have to cram.” “Cram? But cramming is actually counterproductive to good learning.” Twilight was visibly agitated. “Everypony knows that. Is it different for humans? Can you really study that quickly and learn?” “No, they tell us that it’s wrong as well. But that doesn’t mean we don’t do it, especially when there’s not a grade on the line. Now please, tell me that you have a record of the song that you are dancing to.” Twilight trotted over to one of the shelves. Karyn had never noticed it, but that particular section of the library had albums instead of books. Seeing the look from both of them, Twilight said, “Sometimes background music is good for reading. And yes, there are some foals who aren’t into books too much, but do like listening to music. So if they borrow one of these, maybe I can get them hooked and make them into readers after all.” Karyn said nothing, but gestured at the record player. The song was different, much slower and suited to a formal affair. But the biggest difference was that it was in three-quarter time. “Yeah, we’re going to have to completely start over.” How was she going to teach Twilight to waltz? But then an image entered her mind. “Twilight. I think I’ve seen you walking with one hoof on your chin. Can you do that?” “What? Of course. I just leave one count out of my step.” “Right, but what I need you to do is to keep one hoof up and canter. If my memory serves, cantering is a three-beat gait.” Derpy nodded. “But how did you know that? You said you’re not good with equine anatomy.” “Read it in a fantasy book a long time ago. Never mind. Twilight, can you do it?” “Canter with a hoof to my chin? I think so.” “It just has to be off the ground.” She tried, and to Karyn’s surprise there was some grace to it. “I think you’ve got something here.” “That’s it. Now, when the section moves, put that hoof back and lift your other front one off.” It was a tricky maneuver, but Twilight had her wings to keep her balance while only her back hooves were on the ground. Instead of being awkward, Twilight had made it look like a planned step. “That’s incredible, Twilight. You’re going to wow everypony.” “Do you really think so?” “She does,” interjected Derpy. “And so do I. You know that I’m being sincere.” “I can’t say thank you enough. If you think this will get me through the Gala, I’ll practice day and night until then. I’ll be sure to get it down.” “You will. And then you’ll have something you can do again when you need to.” Twilight, mindful of Karyn’s earlier warning, took the record off the player and carefully sleeved it in paper before slipping it into the case. “So it doesn’t warp,” she said. “Now, about you two. You must have some reward for this.” “No, we can’t take that,” said Derpy. “I have enough bits as is, and Karyn can’t even spend hers most of the time.” “There are rewards other than bits. The power of a princess of Equestria is at your command. Ask for anything you like.” “I’ve had it once before. All I wanted was to get rid of it.” “She’s right,” said Karyn. “At this point all I want to do is to make like that record isn’t doing and warp.” Derpy looked at her sideways. “I mean, to go home.” Twilight had seen the joke, and headed toward the door to let them out. “Well, there must be something. I’ll think of it, I’m sure. In the meantime, be well, both of you.” They waved their good-byes and Derpy took off with Karyn on top of her. As they headed for the point of departure back to earth, they could hear the dim echo of the record being put back on the player, and the music starting once more.