//------------------------------// // 2. Housewarming Gifts // Story: Dash of Humanity 2: A New Dawn // by Kaidan //------------------------------// Everything in Ponyville looked so different now. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact I had my own body, or that I was walking instead of flying. The dirt path I was on ran along a small stream near the edge of town. According to Twilight, my house would be the fairly-new one at the end of the path. “So, you still worried about a surprise party?” Dash asked. She was walking alongside me, having volunteered to show me to my new home. “Nah, you said she’d give me a day to adjust first, right?” There would be plenty of time to stress out and have surprise parties. For now I wanted to relax and forget my worries, like not having a cutie mark in a society that places so much weight on them. “Well, this is Pinkie we’re talking about. While there won’t be a big surprise party, we did have to bargain with her.” I moaned and shook my head. “Alright, how many ponies are going to jump out from behind my sofa in my new house?” “Just five.” Dash smiled triumphantly. “I reminded Pinkie that you like to punch ponies in the face when surprised.” Chuckling, I elbowed her side. “Real smooth, let’s start threatening all the ponies with physical violence to get our way. Which way now?” Dash gestured to the right. “This is the last intersection. Fluttershy’s cottage is left, follow it around the Everfree. If you go straight, there are a couple older houses bordering the Everfree. To our right are all the newly built houses.” “You’d make a great tour guide.” I turn and start to walk down the dirt road. I never really appreciated how nicely planned Ponyville was. The houses were in neat rows, with small yards. Fences weren’t needed, and usually only existed as a decorative item. The hard-packed dirt didn’t seem to erode away when it rained, making the streets rather smooth. “You didn’t talk much about your week in the hospital, how was it?” Dash was flying now, wisely out of hoof’s reach if she decided to make any more smart remarks. “The usual. Wake up, eat veggies, have a nurse tell me how to walk ‘properly’, eat more veggies, sit in a desk and try to hide an erection while a sexy teacher explains Equestria history and law to me, more veggies, clop in the shower, and go to bed. You?” I glance up at her, as if there was nothing amiss in my explanation. Dash kept a decent poker face, hiding most of her shock from me. “Well, your stallion problems are your fault for not using that marelight I bought you.” “I told you, that orderly stole it! That hospital was creepy as fuck.” “Really?” Dash swooped down and took a playful swipe at my back. “I think you just didn’t want the nurse finding it in your night stand.” “You’re incorrigible, Dash,” I deadpanned. “No, you’re incure—incore—insufferable!” “Good, you used your big-mare words.” Dash swooped back down to try and rough-house with me again. This time I was ready, flaring my wings and grabbing her in mid air. She fell to the ground, tumbling through the dirt with me, and landing on my stomach. I was too busy laughing to pay much attention, and felt her hooves slam down on my chest. “Hey! That was a cheap shot,” Dash pouted. “If you’d hurry up and help me with flying lessons maybe I’d stand a chance in a fair fight. I think you just like being on top.” I stuck my tongue out at her. “What, you don’t like Fluttershy being a stronger flier than you?” Dash continued to tease me as she pinned me to the ground. I realized the problem this presented when I started to focus on the warmth of her belly. “Uh, Dash, I think you should get up now.” “Say Uncle, maybe then I’ll let you go.” Dash crossed her forelegs and stuck her tongue out. “No, Dash, I’m getting—” “Say Uncl—eep!” Dash flew up into the air in shock as she felt me poke her flank. “I tried to warn you.” I rolled over and stood up and tried to ignore my stallionhood. Ponies seemed to be experts at pretending they weren’t always parading themselves around naked. However, I wasn’t used to having myself on full display—not by a long shot. To make it worse, there was absolutely no way to hide arousal as a stallion. I could tell already, me and my stallionhood were going to clash heads a lot. “Sorry, Dash.” I watched her fly down the path towards my house. “Nah, my bad. Should’a known better than to get you hot and bothered.” I ran over towards her to catch up. “Well, I do appreciate you and Scootaloo taking me in and treating me like a brother. It’s nice to have a pony I don’t have to feel overly-formal around.” “It’s the least I can do. After all, we know each other’s dirty secrets. Getting to know each other that well, it’s not like two ponies can go back to just being friends.” Dash glanced at me and smirked, so I nodded in agreement. She had been a great asset to help me get used to how Equestria works. Part of me was still angry over losing all hope of getting back to Earth; I could be honest with Dash and count on her, and that made the loss bearable. She was definitely a lot more important to me than just a friend. The house came into view on the right. It was two stories tall and painted yellow on the sides with red shingle roofing. The windows were neatly trimmed and painted white. There were some bricks laid out front to form a visual space for a front yard. Somepony seemed to have planted a few flowers out front for me. On the second floor was a master bedroom and a large balcony. Pegasi that lived on the ground often had houses with this same layout. It allowed them to easily relax outside, and fly in and out of their home. It also seemed to be ingrained in every pegasus that higher is safer, so nearly all of them loved living on the second story or higher. “Wow, Dash, thanks.” I closed my gaping mouth and tried to recover from the shock. I’d never owned a house this nice on Earth. “Much nicer than the apartments I’m used to living in. Hell, my parents' house wasn’t much bigger and that cost three hundred thousand.” “What? Three hundred thousand bits?! That’s outrageous!” Dash shouted. “Heh, well it was in dollars. Then again, I’m not sure there’s a conversion rate for dollars to bits,” I replied. “Oh, yeah.” Dash chuckled, flying up to the balcony to go inside. “Remember, act surprised, or Pinkie will try even harder next time.” I moaned, approaching the front door. Apparently ‘do not give me a surprise party, I need time to adjust’ meant ‘only jump out with five other ponies’ to Pinkie. Still, it’d be nice to see the familiar faces, and Pinkie’s baked goods were better than sex. The door had no visible lock on it so I pushed it open, curious what waited inside. To my shock, the ponies I had come to know so well were just relaxing on a sofa and some chairs. “Surprise!” Pinkie shouted, firing a large cannon at me. I ducked in surprise as confetti and streamers nearly took my head off. My wings had spread on instinct and I felt the bits of paper blow through it. Now, I’d have to clean them out later. I gave them a few hard flaps and hovered unsteadily for a moment, hoping to knock most of the confetti out of them. “Wow, Pinkie, you got me good,” I said in mock surprise. “I was sure you weren’t gonna do a party.” Glancing over at Dash, I saw her and Applejack chuckling. Luckily Pinkie seemed thrilled to have caught me off-guard. “Welcome, Dawn,” Twilight said. She carried herself with an air of grandeur, as if she had just undergone some sort of princess-training. At least she looked more comfortable in her role as an alicorn. When I first met her, she seemed nervous, obsessive, and possibly insane. In fact, most of the ponies had seemed insane at first. “Thanks for coming, everyone, it’s great to see you.” “Don’t you mean everypony,” Dash mocked. “Really?” I rolled my eyes. “I don’t see how speaking frou-frou Equestrian like you is going to help me fit in.” Whether I planned to or not, I still found myself slipping into their sayings at an alarming rate. Part of me wanted to hang onto human terms, and pretend nothing had changed. “There’s nothing wrong with civil discourse, darling,” Rarity explained. “One must carry themselves with an air of sophistication to attract a suitable partner.” “I rest my case.” Dash started chuckling. I walked over to take a seat near the others. They were gathered in a semicircle around my coffee table and it was piled high in gifts. Rarity seemed a bit offended, however she should have gotten used to my personality by now. “We got ya some housewarmin’ gifts,” Applejack explained. “And ah want ya to know we can always use an extra set of hooves on the farm, so don’t you worry none about gettin’ a job.” “Pfft, he’ll want to work on the weather team, no doubt,” Dash said. “Wouldn’t want him getting a cutie mark in apples on accident.” “Thanks, both of you. So, let’s start with some cupcakes.” I glanced over at Pinkie and smiled. “You didn’t forget to bring some, did you?” She gasped. “Forget cupcakes?! I would never stoop so low as to forget cupcakes!” Pinkie pulled out a tray of cupcakes from what I’ll assume was a nearby table, and set them on the coffee table. “Dig in, everypony!” I took one in each hoof and held them up. “At least now Dash won’t be worried about them going straight to her flanks.” I popped the first one in my mouth and chomped on it. The chocolate strawberry flavors were incredible. “Hey! I’m not worried about a little junk food going to my flanks,” Dash retorted. “S’not what you shaid before callin’ AJ fat,” I mumbled through my full mouth. “Ya said Dawn was in control of yer body ‘n called me fat at that party,” Applejack stated, shooting Dash an accusing glare. I smiled at the small victory, as Dash lost her facade of the cool stunt pony and muttered something under her breath. It was fun to try and coerce her to blush, if only because of how lovely her cheeks looked when they turned magenta to match her eyes. “If you two are done bickering like a married couple, perhaps we can open the gifts? I’m due at a fashion show in Canterlot tomorrow morning,” Rarity stated. She took a nibble out of a cupcake, somehow managing the smallest bite I had ever seen. “Eh, yeah, sounds good. I guess yours is as good a place as any to start,” I said. In front of me was a white box with purple ribbons. There was a small card attached to it, but it wasn’t much of a stretch to guess who it was from. I fumbled with the bow for a second, still getting used to manipulating delicate objects with hooves. At last the ribbon fell off and I opened the box. Inside were folded up clothes. If this was Christmas, I’d be in tears right now pouting. At least, if I were still a child. Hopefully this isn’t a hideous wool sweater. Please not a hideous sweater. . . Lifting the first piece out revealed it was a hoody, designed to keep a pegasus warm. There appeared to be slits for my wings, and I decided to try it on later when there was nopony around to watch me get tangled up in it. Next were socks in a light brown to match my mane. “Does this mean ponies wear shoes?” “Socks are more of a lingerie item,” Dash quipped. She twirled a hoof in the air, “I suppose they could keep your hooves warm during winter too.” Everypony shared a quick laugh as I set them aside and pulled out the next item. It appeared to be a pair of pants, and I glanced over at Rarity for an explanation. “I know you have slightly different views on modesty, and it’s not unheard of for ponies to wear pants,” she explained. “Thanks, at least I’ll have the option now. What’s this at the bottom?” I pulled out a smoother fabric that seemed to be a full-body suit and some goggles. “A flight suit?” “They’re not just for stunt ponies, darling,” Rarity began. “Stallions often need a little. . . ‘help’ remaining aerodynamic. You have. . . larger bodies than a mare.” “Real smooth,” Dash snickered. “What she means is that you can’t fly with a—” “Yeah, I get it, Dashie.” I set down the clothes in a pile and looked to the next box. Maybe one of them would contain a muzzle for my wise-cracking friend over there. I shot her a look and grinned, picturing her kneeling in the muzzle. Quickly I changed my line of thought before I had any unexpected surprises in the middle of a room full of mares. Damn, I have a feeling I’ll be wearing those pants. A lot. Pinkie’s box came next. It was much less elaborate and had a cookbook inside it. She quickly began to explain. “Everything you need to know to bake delicious desserts or yucky vegetables is in there. It’s made for non-unicorns, too! So no need to worry about messing it up.” “Thanks, I have a feeling I’ll need to learn a lot of new recipes without meat in them.” I left out the part about how I would just visit the local Griffin restaurant when I was in the mood for some roast pork, or maybe beef. My chin felt wet as I realized I’d began to drool. “See, he likes it already!” Pinkie cheered, coming out of nowhere to hug me. “Hah, yeah. Thank you.” I wondered what meat would even do to me, if it could be digested. The orange box in front of me presented an opportunity to change my line of thought. Applejack’s gift came in a simple box, containing a single watering can. I was puzzled by this, taking a moment to put it together. “Oh, AJ, you planted the flowers out front?” “No, it’s to water the apple tree in yer backyard. My real gift was movin’ over one of my apple trees for you,” she explained. “Wow, thank you! That’s incredible, I mean a full-grown tree must have taken a lot of effort to get over here.” “Shucks, ya deserve my best for savin’ Equestria and puttin’ up with Dash.” “Finally, somepony gets it!” I said and laughed. I heard a soft thud as Dash hit Applejack on the shoulder. Twilight’s box was closest so I grabbed it next. It was fairly heavy and considering she ran the town’s library, I was fairly certain what was in it. I took off the lid and read the spines of the books. Knights of the Round Table, A Brief History of Equestria, Daring Do and the Escape from Jersey Shores. I fought the urge to facepalm: the brief history book was twice as thick as the other two combined. “Thanks, Twilight. Quite a spread of literature here.” “I’m glad you like them! Of course, you can check out as many as you want, but I bought these ones for you. I do hope you’ll start your own collection. If you need any recommendations, just let me know,” Twilight said. She looked rather thrilled for something as simple as some books, yet that was part of her charm. A yawn overcame me as I sat there, suddenly wishing one of them had gotten me a coffee maker. There were only two gifts left. Fluttershy was sitting on a recliner, quietly watching me open gifts. Meanwhile, Dash was off to the side with her usual innocent look; the one where her smile and wide eyes said she couldn’t possibly be planning any mischief. “Alright, then. Let’s see what the prankster got me.” I grabbed the cyan box and wondered how much money the gift wrapping store in Ponyville must make. Perhaps somepony had a special talent in having exactly the right color gift-boxes. Lifting the lid off I expected to find something lewd or embarrassing, and was not disappointed. Luckily, I knew a thing or two about handling Dash. I scooped the fuzzy hoofcuffs, bit, and bridle up with my hoof and lifted them out of the box. Dash had already broken out in soft laughter. “Dash, I knew you had feelings for me, but in front of our friends? I mean, maybe you can come back later tonight and I’ll get you all tied up, but what would Soarin say?” “What? Those weren’t for me!” Dash shouted. “You’re supposed to use ‘em on somepony else!” “Hmm,” I enjoyed her blushing for a minute while everypony broke out in laughter. “I suppose I can take volunteers. Anypony want to test out her gift with me?” We continued to laugh and I saw Dash struggling to keep her wings from standing up straight. My own wings were unfurling and I realized this line of humor wouldn’t last much longer before I had a room full pegasi with wing boners. “So, Fluttershy’s gift is last. I wonder what it is.” I leaned forward and grabbed the box. It was light, so I took the lid off and glanced down at the contents. “Wait, are these toy mice and cat treats?” “Yep.” Fluttershy flew across the room. “I’ll be right back.” I was puzzled, though I figured she had decided I need a pet. After a moment she flew back from upstairs, carrying a black cat. It only took me a moment to recognize him. “Bagheera!” “He was wandering around town when I found him, after Discord blasted the poor thing over here from Earth. He was very frightened.” Fluttershy set him down on the couch next to me, letting him reach out and smell my foreleg. He timidly sniffed as he got familiar with the scent, and something akin to recognition went through his eyes as he meowed. Bagheera started licking my foreleg and purring. “Wow, that’s really nice.” I had to choke back tears. It would seem being a pony had made me more in touch with my emotions, yet my human thinking still made me feel like I had to ‘be tough’. We all began to chat, gathered around in a circle. Everyone took turns telling me about their week, and how to find their homes in town. The time passed quickly until the sun had set, and soon they all began to go home. Fluttershy and Dash were the last two to leave. There wasn’t much left to talk about this late in the evening. Applejack had left an apple pie cooling for me in the kitchen for dinner. Fluttershy had made sure I knew how to care for a cat with hooves. And Dash had been cocky, arrogant, and at the same time oddly concerned with my well-being. “Well, if you need anything, just let me know,” Fluttershy said. “Cats can be temperamental.” “Thanks, Fluttershy, I promise I will.” I walked over and opened the door, watching her walk out. Her flanks looked even better from this perspective: perfectly shaped, so soft, and of course buttery. “Still chasing Fluttershy’s tail?” Dash whispered sensually as she walked up to the door. “I left you a new marelight under your bathroom sink. Don’t lose this one, they’re not cheap.” She whipped her tail against my backside, causing me to stifle a moan. “Get out, you tease; but feel free to sneak back in around an hour from now.” I chuckled and closed the door behind her before she could retort. If she keeps on flirting like this I might ignore the fact she’s dating Soarin and test the bit and bridle out on her. “Meow.” I look over at Bagheera. “Tell me about it. I suppose there are worse places to be stuck. Now I just need to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do next. Getting some sleep is a good start, but first, I need to go to the bathroom.”