“I never thought I’d be glad to see this place.”
The man gazed out at the little town in the distance and smiled. Dressed in an uncharacteristically fine outfit, Alfonz squirmed restlessly at the back of the flying transport that bore him. It surprised him how much he yearned for familiar territory, despite the horrors that plagued him in the past.
“Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” insisted his traveling companion. Beside him sat none other than the Princess of the Night, Luna. The alicorn herself was even more finely dressed, with an ocean blue dress that skirted the ground at all times. How she could move as well as she could in such a thing was beyond him.
“You were off having grand old time with royalty and noblemares,” Alfonz retorted, taking his eyes away from the scenery. “I was busy beating off thousands of mares with a stick.” The man shuddered. “And don’t even get me started on the kind of shit Cadence was up to!”
The carriage swooped through the air like a gleaming, golden bird of prey, drawing them ever closer to Ponyville, and ever closer to Canterlot. Alfonz yearned for the boring familiarity of the castle grounds, after a weekend of chaos and uncertainty the likes of which he hadn’t experienced since before the Princess’ proclamation. Of course, it was only when the boredom was gone that he realized how much he valued its presence.
“Don’t you enjoy getting away from that dreary old castle every now and again?” Princess Luna asked, sighing longingly as she gazed back the way they came. She acted as if their weekend getaway was the honeymoon of her dreams.
Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.
With a roll of his eyes, the man returned his gaze to the ground below. Although they had already flown thousands of miles by now, it seemed as though this final stretch of their journey would last an eternity.
Abruptly, the carriage rocked.
“What was that?” Luna thought aloud, looking quizzically over the side of their transport. The guards pulling the carriage took an equally abrupt change of course, weaving their way through the sky in a complicated fashion. “What is going on?” the alicorn commanded, shifting forward to make sure her inquiry was not lost in the commotion.
“A thousand pardons, your highness, but we’re taking fi-“
One moment, they were shooting through the skies in an evasive pattern. The next, Alfonz was plummeting to the ground at a blistering pace, the smoking and ruined remains of the carriage shooting by overhead, with the pegasi commanding it struggling for control.
As the man opened his mouth to shout incoherently his disapproval of these turn of events, the air was forced from his lungs as he landed against something small, but sturdy. A moment passed before the man could see straight, and realized he was across the back of Princess Luna, her magnificent dress as tattered as the transport they had just escaped.
A tense silence hung over them as the two descended toward the ground. The alicorn had no trouble staying aloft with her new cargo, but did not continue on for Canterlot. With one look at her furious expression, Alfonz knew why.
Hell hath no fury like a mare’s romantic journey ruined.
The two touched down not far from the town center. Without saying a word, Alfonz shifted off the Princess’ back and stood, thankful, on solid ground once more. The smoking trail of the carriage was all they could see from such an angle, and the fate of their pegasi operators was a mystery indeed.
The mid-afternoon crowd began to form around them, some concerned, others frightened, others still with that blood-in-the-waters look that Alfonz oh so loved.
“What is the meaning of this?!” Princess Luna roared, pointing a hoof at the gray line that zigzagged across the sky above them. “Who dares…?!”
The ponies looked around in bewilderment, most at a loss for words. An ever-climbing number of them were joining the “terrified” category now, after witnessing the Princess’ wroth.
“Are you guys under attack? Is anyone hurt?” Alfonz asked, surprising himself with his own concern. Regardless, he wanted answers. The crowd parted, and six very distinctive shapes rushed through, each adorned with an elaborate piece of jewelry.
The bearers of the Elements of Harmony had arrived, with their elements in tow.
“Ah,” Luna said with a fierce smile at the sight of them. “It is good you are here, Princess Twilight. Our transport to Canterlot has been shot from the sky!”
“Wait, Princess-“ Alfonz began, giving the new arrivals another, closer look.
Holy shit, she has wings.
“Whe - Ho - Wh - “ Alfonz stammered, contorting in various ways as he tried to wrap his head around this newest revelation.
“I know the situation seems dire, but I do not think it is necessary to bring the Elements-“ the lunar Princess continued, giving Alfonz a sympathetic look in response to his minor breakdown.
An eruption of light followed; so intense was the blaze that he man was forced to cover his face with his arms or risk losing his sight. His ears offered no sense of what was going on either, as they were engulfed in a cavalcade of sound and violence. The attack continued for what felt like an age, then abruptly ended.
Princess Luna was gone from his side.
In fact, she was soaring upward, carried on a fount of light so bright and enormous it mimicked the sun in the sky. The alicorn Princess was leaving Ponyville behind, sent to some far off land in the shortest of time possible.
“Twilight…this doesn’t feel right.”
The statement brought Aflonz’s attention back to those not yet in orbit; all six elements of harmony were just beginning to dim, with each bearer – sans Twilight – looking a mix of confused and afraid. The newly crowned Princess herself looked determined, even angry.
“It has to be done, Applejack. I’ve – ...we’ve – waited long enough.”
“Will…will the Princess be OK?” a meek voice inquired from the alicorn’s left.
“She’ll be fine,” Twilight replied dismissively. “We just need her out of the way for a while.”
“You’ve gone mad,” Alfonz laughed, grinning like a madman. The surreal nature of the situation put him in a state of total disbelief. “At long last, you’ve been driven insane by your own desire.”
“Cute,” Twilight sneered with a condescending smile. Her response was far more disturbing than it should have been. Even by the low standards he had set for the world, the former unicorn was acting strange. She had been pushy in the past – to an extreme – but now she seemed almost…spiteful. Selfish. Dangerous.
Of the many days he regretted giving away his anti-magic pendent, he had a feeling this would be the foremost for a long time to come.
“If you think I’m going to make it easy for you, you’ve another thing coming,” Alfonz said, taking a few steps back in preparation for hasty retreat.
“Can we skip the foreplay?” Twilight replied hotly, rolling her eyes. “I think we can both agree we’ve danced this dance one too many times.”
“But Princess Celestia said we have to wait!” protested a voice from the crowd, earning the audible agreement of others. The other denizens of Ponyville, who had stood mostly in silence as the events unfolded, had just realized the nature of the opportunity before them.
Alfonz was fair game…for now. Long term consequences did not seem to be a strong suit for any of them.
The crowd began to collapse around them, ponies of all types shoving and arguing with one another. In moments, the bearers of the Elements were buried under a sea of angry, sexually frustrated mares.
“Piss off!” Alfonz snarled as a few mares approached, apparently the smartest of their lot to go after him rather than argue and fight with the rest. The resulting hesitation gave the man enough time to dart into a nearby alley between two cozy looking structures, his destination unknown.
“Luna – gone,” he breathed as he turned sharply, trying to complicate his route to throw off any pursuers. “Carriage – also gone. Canterlot – too damn far. Ponyville – hell on Earth,” the man listed rapidly, trying to formulate some sort of plan. To be honest, despite the disastrous circumstances, he was far more well off than expected. He had definitely been in tighter situations in the past-
The earth shook beneath his feet, and a plume of smoke rose up from the town center. Even from his position a few blocks away, the man could hear the roaring anger of a single voice. And it wasn’t the furious return of his alicorn companion.
“Good lord, she’s really going for broke with this one,” he muttered to himself, looking wide eyed over his shoulder at the blatant display of power beyond.
His odds were suddenly not looking as good as he thought. The man had enough problems dealing with ordinary unicorns – even ordinary ponies in general. Sure, he had evaded alicorns in the past, but none of them had been quite so straight forward. Twilight was not only deadly serious, but apparently willing to risk damn near everything to get her way. Just how the mare had gotten that bad was a mystery, but not one he felt like solving with any urgency.
Regardless, he hadn’t the slightest chance of resisting them. Any one of them was a significant threat, and together, especially with Twilight’s new status as an alicorn and the Elements of Harmony in tow, they were unstoppable. He had to play for time; if Luna was still alive, she might return to aid him, and she might not come alone.
As Alfonz turned another corner, a bright flash of light exploded into life directly in front of him. The man forced his feet into the grass to halt his advance and tore up a long line of the greenery with the effort, but by the time he came to a stop the light had faded, and in its place stood a very desperate, very angry Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Before he could take a breath, another commotion behind him heralded the coming of another enemy. With both avenues of escape now out of reach, the man thrust his arms in either direction, plunging his hands into the mouths of the ponies that surrounded him. The act took both by surprise, giving him precious seconds to act. Crossing his arms, the man took each hand out and gripped the opposite equine’s horn, dispelling the magic that surrounded them before a spell could be cast.
“What – !” Twilight cried out as her intended prey readied himself for the offensive. The man grabbed the newly crowned Princess by the chest and neck and hoisted her over his head. Much to her audible displeasure, the alicorn found herself soaring into Rarity, knocking them both to the ground in a cacophony of noise.
Alfonz bolted down the freshly-cleared alley with a defiant, “Be glad it wasn’t a bookcase!” Months of dealing with unruly and aggressive mares had taught him a few things indeed.
With another sharp right, the man found himself in a clearing not far from the library. Much to his surprise – and relief – it seemed to be deserted; most of Ponyville’s population had gathered at the town center by now, and were thus preoccupied. But, of course, he was not dumb enough to think he had seen the last of his pursuers.
As if on cue, a blue speck appeared in the sky behind him, followed reluctantly by a yellow one.
“Damn,” he muttered, looking around for signs of further trouble. Out in the open as he was, it would be a matter of seconds before the two found him. But if he took refuge in the library or any other nearby building, he might as well be a rat in a trap. Alfonz was out of options, and the game had only just begun.
The man took off down the street in a wild sprint, trying to put as much distance between himself and his foes as possible. There was a slim chance he could deal with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy before the others became a factor again, if he managed to encounter them alone. The rush of air and the sound of wings swiftly announced their arrival, and soon there was no question that he was, once again, being pursued.
Just as the sound reached its loudest, Alfonz turned and rolled. The blue pegasus shot by, unable to correct her dive at such a speed; the man stood and lunged for the other pegasus that he knew lagged behind the first, grabbing her by the waist. With a startled squeak, Fluttershy was forced under the man’s arm and the two hurtled back down the street like a quarterback on the charge.
“Quiet!” the man snapped, silencing the mare’s protests for the moment. “You and me are going for a little jog. If your friends value your health, I hope for your sake they give this shit up.” Of course, these were empty threats.
Probably.
“P-please!” Fluttershy cried in response, terrified. “It doesn’t have to be like this!”
“Oh shut up.”
The two made their way through alley after alley with surprising ease. Alfonz had taken the pegasus on the assumption he would be cornered quickly, and might benefit from a hostage; this did not seem as immediate a concern as it had before.
“Please Alfonz,” Fluttershy muttered meekly from under his arm as his pace slowed behind the shelter of a nameless bakery. The pegasus seemed almost ready to cry. “You don’t have to hurt anypony else.”
“Look, I didn’t want any of this sh-“ he snarled, glaring down at her. But instead of the shy, vulnerable pony he had expected, he was faced with the ominous, wide-eyed gaze of a pegasus on the offensive.
“Ah…shit…” His body became abruptly rigid, almost statuesque, and he quickly found his grip on the pony’s waist fading. Fluttershy fell to the ground and got to her hooves without ever breaking eye contact. Alfonz, try as he might, could not look away. He was ensnared.
“I thought…this shit…only worked on…animals…” he said as he slowly crumpled toward the ground, as if an incredible weight was forcing him down.
“Now listen here!” Fluttershy shouted, her voice furious and commanding. “You are going to stop all this nonsense and come back with me! Do I make myself clear?”
“Aahhaa!” Alfonz cried out incoherently and strained himself to resist. His very being, mind and body, urged him to concede and follow her like a loyal hound. Such an experience was not unfamiliar, but he hadn’t the time for a coma right now.
“Alfonz!” the pegasus shouted, her eyes widening even further. The feeling intensified. Alfonz grasped desperately at his face in attempt to force his head away, or his eyes shut; the limbs struggled in vain to bring his wayward mind back under control.
“Ye-yes!” he breathed at last, now on his knees before his intended hostage.
“Good.” The pegasus turned, her tail snapping in his direction for effect. “Now let’s go.”
The eye contact gone, Alfonz breathed in sharply, as if he had been suffocating. Although he could think far more clearly now, his mind was scarred by the experience; he actually had some inkling to follow Fluttershy’s orders.
But by the time the pegasus glanced back to ensure his compliance, the man’s hands were already wrapping around her tail.
“Going to have to do better than that!” Alfonz shouted triumphantly, swinging the pegasus around by her tail. As the terrified pony revolved for a third time, he released, sending her careening back down the alley. The man darted onward without looking back to see the results.
By now, Alfonz ran along the outskirts of Ponyville. The train station was finally within sight, but, as a quick glance proved, the train itself was nowhere to be found. The man hadn’t the luxury to wait around and see if it would arrive, so his salvation must lie elsewhere. In the opposite direction was one of a few small tributaries that drained into and out of the various lakes that dotted the landscape around Ponyville. In yet another direction, Sugar Cube Corner and a few other shops like it – such as Rarity’s boutique – stood ominously in the distance.
Thus, his course of action was clear: he would throw himself into the river.
Although the plan was rightly stupid, the man had come to accept these ridiculous notions as viable options. If it worked once, it can work again. Probably.
As the small body of water drew closer, Alfonz hazarded a glance over his shoulder. Finally, his enemies made their reappearance. Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity were charging valiantly in his direction, while Rainbow Dash soared on ahead. Even Fluttershy had wafted unsteadily into the air far behind the rest. Only Twilight was missing now, and, due to having at least half a brain, Alfonz knew this would not last for long.
The river was so close. Just a few more yards…
The inevitable arrived with a bang and a flash. Alfonz, in his desperation, threw himself at the water with one mighty leap, soaring narrowly past the furious form of Twilight Sparkle and plunging haphazardly into the churning waters.
The act took all six ponies by surprise. The man did not resurface, despite the shallow depths and moderately brisk pace of the water in question. For the briefest of moments, the ponies hesitated.
Alfonz, meanwhile, tried his best to hold himself together. The plunge had already taken its toll; the man’s leg had slammed painfully against the bottom, and the cold waters were quickly sapping what remained of his strength. And, his specially-tailored suit was a wreck. But, priorities.
But he had gotten away, for the moment. He knew it wouldn’t last, but if he had any chance of surviving the ordeal, he had to live in the moment. “Play for time,” he thought to himself, scrambling awkwardly through the water. “Play for time…”
Eventually, his lungs at their limit, Alfonz was forced back to the surface. Even without paddling his way along, he was swept down the length of the river at a decent pace. Thus, the man took a moment to assess the situation; vague shapes moved upriver, and a few sparse buildings loomed further down. He was not foolish enough to think the ponies had given up, but he hadn’t a clue where they were, or what they were doing. Or, most importantly, how long he had before his free ride came to an end.
Alfonz was snapped out of his thoughts by a sudden splash upstream. Before the man could rightly assess the cause, a blue speck appeared on the horizon; Rainbow Dash shot toward him at an incredible speed, and the man was forced back underwater to avoid detection.
But he was no longer alone beneath the waves. Glancing back as soon as his head went under, the pursued human could see a bizarre shape moving steadily downstream in his direction. At first, it looked like an oddly colored assortment of debris. As it grew closer and closer, he could make out limbs, and the strange structures attached.
Pinkie Pie was swimming toward him, complete with snorkeling gear.
Eyes wide, Alfonz thrashed his arms and legs in a sloppy, frenzied breaststroke. Clever bastards…with Rainbow Dash above and Pinkie Pie below, he was cornered. It was only a matter of time before one of them caught up with him-
A sudden weight on his legs and lower back sent a chill down his spine. The man swung his head back, and found himself face to face with the goggled pony that pursued him. The pink earth pony smiled beneath her mask and sent up a plume of bubbles in an attempt to speak. Alfonz, horrified, thrashed even harder to throw her off.
Ignorant to his woes, Pinkie wrapped her hooves around his waist and continued her bubbly proclamations. The man’s lungs burned, desperate for air. Swinging his legs forward, Alfonz pried the pony loose and held her high enough to disturb the surface of the water. A few tense moments followed, with the oblivious creature chattering away, before a blue shape appeared overhead and, a moment later, shot off with the pink pony in its clutches.
Now was his chance. While Rainbow Dash was busy with her unintended cargo, he would climb out of the water and pray he did not run into the rest. He had no idea how far he had traveled down the river, but he had no choice. He had to leave, now.
Alfonz breached the surface with a loud gasp and a desperate lunge. The man’s soaking hands gripped clumps of grass along the bank, resisting the current well enough to stop his trek further downstream. After a brief moment to recover, Alfonz clambered his way onto solid ground.
To his relief, none of the other ponies were in sight. To make matters even better, he had ended up not far from those buildings he had spotted earlier – houses, by the looks of it. Interestingly, the structures appeared not only abandoned, but looted; the contents of each was strewn about the area, ranging from furniture to silverware.
Instinctively, the man hobbled toward the nearest of them. Already, he knew he was on borrowed time. The sounds of splashing water, shifting grass, and vague shouts told him his pursuers were already on his trail. Had his leg been in better shape, he might have been able to reach the shelter of one of the houses in time, where he could hide away in its recesses – assuming, of course, it could be entered at all.
But there were no rivers to dive into, no crowds to delay the inevitable. Although he had thought so many times before, he was finally, truly, at the end of his rope.
“Play…for time,” he reminded himself, searching for a solution; for a place to hide. He would be found, of course, but those precious seconds might just be the difference between life and death.
As the sounds grew louder and louder behind him – and he dared not take the time to look – Alfonz spotted a large, ornate armoire – large even for a human. With no better solution before him, the man threw open the wooden doors of the central compartment and climbed inside. Forced into an awkward crouch, Alfonz closed the doors behind him and held them as steadily as he could. He had to make this last…
The sounds of pursuit continued, and then abruptly stopped; for the briefest of moments, Alfonz thought he might have lost them. Then, a muffled whisper sounded from one side, and was cut off by a quiet hiss.
They were surrounding him. They were acting carefully, deliberately, making sure he was not laying a trap or attempting a convoluted escape. It was impressive, just as it was disturbing; they had never been so thorough.
The wood creaked, and the armoire began to move. The man hiding inside felt weightless, and knew immediately he was in the grasp of a unicorn's magic. Interestingly, despite the magic enveloping the armoire itself, he was free to move around inside. The doors, however, were kept tightly shut; there would be no sudden spring to freedom.
This continued for some time. Alfonz's leg thumped painfully, and his contorted body began to ache in protest of his ridiculous position. The man even began to feel very claustrophobic as time drew ever onward. But, alas, there was nothing he could do. "Play for time, play for time," he whispered over and over, using the words as a mantra to keep his mind focused.
Finally, his trip was at an end. With a loud groan, the armoire touched down on solid earth once more.
Silence followed. If he listened closely, Alfonz could barely make out the sounds of movement beyond his wooden confines. The words "too big" reached his ears at some point, but the context was lost on him.
"Alfonz!"
Showtime.
"We know you're in there! Get out here, now!"
The Princess made her decree, but the man was not inclined to answer, let alone comply.
The armoire shuddered, and Alfonz felt a sudden tug on the doors. His death-grip on the wood abruptly returned, and the man could only pray he had the strength to resist. After a tense few minutes of tug-o-war, the assault suddenly ceased; the doors slammed shut and nearly scared Alfonz half to death.
"Damn it!" the enraged voice of Twilight Sparkle cried. A few additional voices followed, and suddenly the armoire began vibrating. The wood creaked and groaned, and cracks began to form all around him. Alfonz cursed, knowing his time was up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
"W-wait!" he called, as loudly as he could to overcome the noise of his collapsing shelter. The destruction halted, but the man could feel it was only temporary. "Enough. You win. I'll come out."
Murmuring followed. In some small regard, it pleased him how cautious they were. He was a slippery little bastard, for sure.
The ponies grew quiet again, and that was his cue.
Alfonz pushed the doors of the armoire open. He was back in Ponyville - right outside the library, to be precise - and his abductors were poised for war. The six ponies surrounded him from every angle, poised to chase the man down at a moment's notice. Twilight stood directly in front of him, her wings extended, her horn alight. The lot of them seemed more like assassins than lusty mares.
But rather than take off running, or launch himself intro fray, Alfonz did something completely unprecedented; he began unbuttoning his shirt.
The man said nothing, but his eyes, body language, and, most obviously, actions seemed to indicate a drastic change. His chest and stomach exposed, the man took off his soaked jacket, threw it to the ground, and began loosening his tie in a sultry manner. To his credit, though he was far from model material, his adventures in Equestria had given him a respectable physique.
The assembled mares were stunned. This was what they wanted - a willing participant of their desires - but their familiarity with his resistance made it just too much to handle. For minutes, they stood, watching him in silence, undressing in an exaggerated and cliched manner like history's worst Chip N Dale dancer. Even Twilight, who had, moments prior, been primed to lob a spell at his face for the slightest signs of escape, was left speechless.
As his undershirt hit the floor, the ponies began to change. Their posture changed, their eyes glazed. The man had seen such a look many times before; it seemed almost a chemical reaction to his presence in all its forms. Gone were the soldiers on the march. Instead, he once again stood before a pride of lions closing in for the kill.
Except one.
Twilight noticed the change in her allies as they began their slow prowl toward Alfonz's increasingly exposed frame. She, too, seemed to glaze over for a moment, her fury lost; but it did not disappear for long.
"Do you think I can't see what you're doing?" Twilight asked loudly, defiantly, as her horn exploded into a fountain of magical sparks. The other mares flinched and halted their advance, turning to regard her with confusion and, in some, fear. "He's tricking you! Again!" she continued, the air fluctuating wildly around her enraged body. Alfonz's altered gaze disappeared in an instant.
"I WON'T LET YOU GET AWAY THIS TIME!"
With a yelp of surprise, the man dove behind the armoire as the alicorn before him turned into a miniature sun. A bright field of magic snatched his shield up as if were nothing, ripping it into the sky with violent force. Alfonz, legs moving almost on their own, scrambled away in a frenzy. The lone human circled the library, knowing he was as good as dead if he didn't put something in between himself and his murderous pursuer.
The alicorn roared in fury again, and violently splintering wood followed closely behind. Alfonz expected Twilight to appear before him in a flash, frothing with rage, but as several tense moments passed, there was nothing of the sort. So focused on the coming attack was he that he almost didn't notice the sounds of other, calmer voices from the other side of the tree.
Maybe, just maybe, the others were trying to distill some of Twilight's madness. He knew their efforts were in vain, though; the alicorn was well and beyond reason at this point. This was the Final Showdown, as far as she was concerned.
Play for time....play for time....
Alfonz took off down the street, sprinting, half naked, harder than he had ever done before. His progress was slowed more than usual by his aching leg, but the adrenaline that flowed through his veins helped to quell his pain. As always, he had no idea where he was going, or what to look out for, or how long he had before they were on his case again; but he had to keep going.
He ran for some time. The streets were oddly deserted - surely, the townsfolk weren't still clustered around the center? - and made for easy travel. Streets passed, shortcuts were taken; the man kept running. As he turned another corner, his legs stopped dead against something solid, throwing him up and over whatever it was. The man almost landed on his head; avoiding that, but still colliding painfully with the ground, he was left in an awkward, and vulnerable, position.
But it was not a pony that he had run into.
"Alfonz?" Spike asked, his head obscured by his cloak.
"Spike!" the man cried. He scrambled to get back on his feet and threw down the dragon's hood to look gratefully into his eyes.
"What's going on? Why are you here? I thought you were-"
"It's a long story," Alfonz interrupted, putting a finger to his lips to communicate the danger. Spike nodded. "It's Twilight, and the others. They're god damn serious this time, that's for sure."
"What about Princess Luna?" Spike whispered, looking grim.
"Busy. She'll be back...I think."
"I could fly you to Canterlot if you'd like," Spike offered. "I am a dragon, after all."
"Are you stupid?" Alfonz growled, looking over his shoulder to make sure his outburst wasn't drawing attention. "I've stuck my neck out for you already, remember? I almost got my ass killed to keep your ass safe. Like three times now. If you transform and fly off, they'll shoot you down. In seconds. Then we're both dead."
Spike frowned. "What are you going to do, then? I want to help!"
"Do you still have that amulet I gave you?" Alfonz asked, thinking quickly.
"Yep!" Spike replied with a grin, patting a spot on his chest. "You...want it?"
"Yes," Alfonz said with a nod. "I'll give it back after this shit has passed, but right now I really need a way around a unicorn's magic."
"Done!" The little dragon took the chain from around his neck and deposited it in the human's outstretched hand without hesitation. "Listen, Alfonz, about Twilight..."
"Thank you," Alfonz replied with a grateful smile. The man was far too focused on what was to follow to let Spike finish. "Just do me a favor and get the hell out of town. And keep a low profile! I don't want them after you too, got it?"
"Fine, fine," Spike muttered with a wave of his claw.
With one final look at Alfonz, Spike pulled the hood back over his head and disappeared down another alley. The man, after placing the amulet around his neck, gave the dragon a few moments to clear the area. Then, with a deep breath, he took off in the opposite direction.
He was near the edge of town now. After one final line of buildings, Alfonz found himself in the open grassland that surrounded Ponyville, opposite to the Everfree Forest, and a considerable distance from the river he had traveled not long ago. The trail some meters to the side would lead to Cloudsdale - at least, beneath it - while the route to Canterlot remained far from his grasp. Alas, such displacement was necessary if he wanted to avoid the library and the center of town.
A loud crack sounded behind him, and his vision was abruptly blurred with a sparkling purple. A triumphant "AHA!" followed, and that was followed still by the clatter of hooves and the beating of wings. Alfonz stood, motionless, his back turned to the arriving ponies. Only when they began surrounding him did he turn to face Twilight.
"What-?!" the alicorn gasped, her eyes wide as she watched the man's unimpeded movement within the field. Teeth clenched, Twilight poured even more magic into her spell, but, try as she might, the man would not be bound. "Get him!" she roared at last, panting with the effort of her spellwork. "Take him down!"
"Wait!" Alfonz yelled as Applejack and Rainbow Dash began their lunge. Surprisingly, the two ponies halted awkwardly, one mid-step, one mid-flight. Twilight was even more furious at this, but the man did not give her the opportunity to speak. "Look, I think we're both tired of running all over Ponyville by now. Why don't we settle this, once and for all?"
"Where did you get that thing?! Why didn't you have it earlier?!" Twilight fumed, not giving the man's offer any consideration what so ever.
"It doesn't matter. I have it now, so your trump card is out." A puff of vapor shot out of Twilight's nostrils, but she said nothing further. "Hear me out. You six could keep chasing me, and I'll damn well keep running. Maybe, you'll get me. Seems the odds are in your favor, after all."
The ponies seemed a little confused by his reasoning, but allowed him to proceed.
"Or," he began again, his hands clasped in front of him, "we could have ourselves a little showdown. Me, against you six; one on one, mano a caballo. As many participants as you like."
"And why would we agree to that?" Twilight chimed in, no less angry. "You're outnumbered. Magic or no magic, you don't stand a chance!"
"As I said, we could continue," Alfonz replied calmly, shrugging. "But I think we all know by now how good I am at getting out of tough situations. You hold the advantage, sure, but there's no telling how it will go..."
Even Twilight paused at this.
"If I win, I go free, and you all leave me the hell alone until judgement day," the man explained. "If I lose, I will go without a fight."
"And how do we know you won't just run away again when you lose?"
"I assume the first thing you're going to do, should I lose, is take this here pendent off anyway," Alfonz responded, flicking the immaculate piece of metal that hung against his bare chest. "And if I lose, I won't be in any condition to do anything about it, now will I?"
"Maybe we should think about his offer, Twilight," Applejack suggested after a few moments of silence. Most of the other ponies seemed to agree.
"Ooh! I wanna play! I wanna play!" Pinkie bounced excitedly around the group, ever the infinite source of bubbly innocence.
"I bet I could take him with two hooves tied behind my back!" Rainbow Dash added, bringing her hooves together with a resonating clop.
Twilight took a deep, calming breath. "Fine," she said at last. "But we don't have any time to spare. Rainbow Dash, end this please."
"Aw, no fair!"
"Yes!" the pegasus cried, doing a celebratory loop. With a look of unflinching confidence and a casual toss of her Element, she flapped over to Alfonz and waited. The others, in response, stepped back a few yards; although they were still in ring formation, their new position gave the two combatants some more space.
"Great," Alfonz thought as he bobbed from foot to foot in preparation. "How do you fight one of the fastest flyers in the world, and one of the strongest ponies to boot?" He had hoped one of the others - namely Twilight herself - would be the first to take up the challenge. Rainbow Dash outclassed him in every regard...except one.
"It's on!" the pegasus roared, shooting up into the sky like a bottle rocket. Alfonz scarcely had time to think before she was hurtling toward him in a wild dive. The man, in response, fell forward and kicked back with one of his legs, as if he had tripped. The speeding mare narrowly adjusted her course, which would have brought her face into his shoe, and instead received only a glancing strike to the belly.
Alfonz, meanwhile, caught himself with his hands and collapsed on the grass. The leg he had used in his haphazard attack was his only good one; the other, the injured limb, barely maintained his weight long enough to be useful, and thumped its disapproval now that it had been relieved. Rainbow Dash, without missing a beat, flew up and then down in another dive, this time straight down where he was laying.
The man rolled to the side in a frenzy, and the pegasus impacted where he had just been a second prior. Even though he was on his feet in but a moment, the man was already under siege. With blazing speed, Rainbow Dash smashed into his injured leg and threw it out from under him, flooring him in an instant. A sharp, stabbing pain replaced the dull throbbing now, while the man's face was pressed into the dirt.
He was beginning to think this might be ill advised.
Struggling to his feet once more, Alfonz received, unceremoniously, a speeding kick to the gut. The man gaped in silence, hunching over, as the pegasus drove her hoof further and further into his ribs. But now, at least, he had her.
The man swallowed his pain and lunged. Grabbing the agile creature by the leg and the chest, the man managed to maneuver her around with only a surprised "H-hey!" By the time she knew what was going on, Alfonz had wrapped his arm around her neck. With her hooves flailing uselessly below her, and her wings pinned to her back, the pegasus could do little but struggle.
"Submit!" Alfonz commanded, gradually tightening his hold on her neck. Although he did not like manhandling a small multicolored horse, he was determined to win, even if it meant Rainbow's lack of consciousness.
But the pegasus was stubborn. Her hooves kicked against his thighs and ribs, but did little other than give him mild discomfort. Her strength was draining fast, even if her will wasn't.
"That's enough."
Twilight took a step forward with a frown. Alfonz, looking from one pony to the other, reluctantly let Rainbow Dash go. Freed, the pegasus gasped for air and shot her opponent a scornful glare. Then, she assumed another battle stance.
"No, Rainbow. You had your chance." Twilight looked incredibly displeased. Rainbow Dash looked incredibly bewildered.
"But - ! I - ! But he - !" she stammered in dismay. Try as she might, Twilight's decision was final.
"Now then. Let's get this over wi - "
"Me next!" Pinkie cried, overtaking Twilight in a single bound. The alicorn seemed ready to give out to her about it, but the earth pony paid her no mind.
"Ugh, fine!" Twilight huffed, impatiently stomping her hoof.
"Alright then," Alfonz replied with a pleased look. Pinkie was dangerous and unpredictable, but hardly the worse option. With his slight victory over Rainbow Dash, he was one major step to freedom.
"Ready set go!" Pinkie squeaked suddenly, doing a strange jig that left her hooves almost a blur. Despite the speed at which she moved her limbs, she didn't seem to be going anywhere.
"Um..." Alfonz was about ready to question just what the hell she was doing when the pink pony came dropping down onto his shoulders. "What-!" he cried as he came crashing down, throwing out his arms to stop himself from colliding face-first with the ground. Pinkie wormed her way under his arm to stare at him face to face, beaming.
"Hi!"
The earth pony wrapped her hooves around his shoulders, and shot her rear hooves into his stomach. Pain erupted from Alfonz's stunned form like a fountain, and the man could do little but collapse to his side, his hands clasped around the mare's midsection.
Just as soon as he blinked the pain from his eyes, Pinkie was gone from his grasp. "HOW - ?!" he gasped, as the earth pony once again dropped on him from above, forcing his face into the dirt.
"Woo, this is fun!" she cried, smiling incoherently as Alfonz slowly suffocated beneath her. Summoning what remained of his strength, the man threw himself back up into a sitting position, hoping to send the ridiculous mare soaring. But, just as those times prior, she was missing - until she collided with his face and wrapped her hooves around his head and neck like an alien parasite. The force of her arrival sent him onto his back, and though the man struggled to remove her, it was all in vain; she would not budge an inch.
"This is embarrassing, Alfonz," Twilight said with a chuckle from her position at the sidelines.
Alfonz roared muffled obscenities and shifted onto his hands and knees, Pinkie still adhered to his face. The man was desperate, both for victory and for breath. Pulling his head back, the man threw it recklessly toward the ground, using the pink pony's body as a buffer. But, instead of sweet satisfaction, he was met with the cold, hardness of the ground uninhibited, then the cold darkness of his fleeting consciousness. The mare was gone, again. The man had knocked himself out cold instead.
By the time the man awoke, things were very different indeed. While their grassland arena may be gone, his current location was not unfamiliar to him; the raw wood walls and odd shape told him he was back in the library. Alfonz was still clothed, thankfully - at least, in what little he had left. In fact, he seemed to have even more, in the form of thick iron manacles around his wrists and ankles. If that wasn't enough, he could see out of the corner of his eye bright, shimmering structures that ran along his shoulders and neck - some sort of magical containment method, no doubt. They really were serious this time.
Alfonz was seated on a couch on the library's main floor. Unsurprisingly, it was the same couch that had been involved in previous episodes of his misbegotten experience in Equestria. The man also made note of the bookcase along the opposite wall. He would need it soon enough. Though, unfortunately, he was not alone in the room.
Twilight Sparkle stood nearby, silently inspecting the gargantuan selection of books before her.
She had him right where she wanted him. He was powerless to stop her. And yet, here she was, ignoring his existence as if it meant nothing. What happened? Where was the desperation? Where was the urgency? Her and her ilk seemed ready to strip him right then and there a few times during their mad chase through Ponyville. But as curious as the man was, he wasn't about to say anything. If Twilight wanted him conscious, he'd make sure he appeared otherwise.
"I know you're awake."
Fuck.
"You did it," he spat, bitter beyond reason. "You fucking won. You won fair and square. Congrats. I suppose this means I'm fucked, right?" It took a moment for him to realize his own choice of words. "Ha!"
"Yes, Alfonz," Twilight replied calmly. The alicorn turned and made her way over to him. She sat, her expression unreadable, right beside him. "You and I are going to make love. And it will be glorious. It will go on for days, until I've had my fill of you."
"That is absolutely horrifying."
"Why?" Twilight responded, loosing her cool a little. "Why is that so bad, Alfonz? Do humans not mate? Is that why you're the only one of your kind?"
"You...are not...a human," Alfonz growled through clenched teeth. "Believe me, if this were a world of horny human females, I'd be of a very different mind. I might even be OK with dying over it. Maybe. I don't know."
Twilight sighed. "I wish you would reconsider. You aren't a stallion, yet I find you attractive."
"I bet you find anything with a pulse and a thing between their legs attractive." The man shifted violently in his seat. "Haven't you had your fill when the stallions were around? They died because of how crazy this shit was."
The alicorn was silent. For a moment, she even looked depressed. "That's enough talk," she said at last, getting to her hooves on the couch itself. "I've waited too long for this."
With that, the mare launched herself at him. Alfonz was thrown against the arm of the couch, the pony on his lap and draped across his chest. Her lips were already adhered to his, and the man could do little to keep her at bay. Doomed as he was, the lone human tried to enjoy it. But even here, at the very end of his long struggle, he couldn't let it go. It was wrong. He knew it to be true. It just wasn't him.
Even as Twilight was mouth to mouth with her captive, her horn began to glow and the man felt a tug at his pants.
And then the door to the library flew open with a bang.
"Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight opened her eyes and looked, wide eyed, at the doorway.
Princess Celestia herself stood within, flanked by the tattered but intact form of Princess Luna. The rest of the Mane Six stood behind them, each looking mournfully at the ground, their Elements gone.
"Alfonz!" Luna gasped, regarding the scene with horror.
But instead of addressing either Princess, with greed, with scorn, or with a plea of forgiveness, Princess Twilight Sparkle turned to Alfonz. Her eyes burned with an incredible pain that took his breath away. She looked as though she were ready to cry - for real this time.
"Please," she whispered. "Please, Alfonz."
The man was at a loss for words.
A bright aura spread over her body, and she began floating away from the couch.
"Please!" she cried, desperate to reach him.
Alfonz sat in silence. There was no joy in this rescue anymore.
---
"What were you thinking?"
Twilight was suspended in front of a very angry Princess of the Sun before what seemed like the entire populace of Ponyville.
"Your actions were reckless, selfish, even insane! We can only be thankful nopony was killed!"
Twilight floated in silence, tears streaming down her face. Alfonz, freed of his bonds by Princess Luna, stood beside the Lunar Princess in observing the younger alicorn's scolding.
"I just..."
"You just what? You went against my word, you put yourself, your friends, and all of Ponyville in danger! What can you say for yourself?"
"I just never...I wanted to..." Twilight muttered, her head hanging in shame and sorrow. "It's just...so hard to..."
While her words were lost to most of those assembled, she spoke loud enough for the Princesses, her friends, and Alfonz to hear. All of them seemed a little surprised.
Princess Celestia, especially, lost a bit of her fury. "You've never - ?"
The smaller alicorn's silence was answer enough.
Celestia sighed. "I know it is difficult to suppress these...urges, Twilight Sparkle, but you are a Princess now. You cannot turn an entire town into a war zone just to please yourself."
"You never mentioned this before, Twilight," Applejack chimed in with some reluctance. The others nodded.
"You should have told us, darling. We could have helped you through it!" added Rarity, giving Twilight a sympathetic smile.
"Your friends have always been there for you," Celestia agreed with a smile of her own. "And I as well. Although you are no longer my student, you need only ask for my aid. You know this."
"For what it's worth," Alfonz began, taking a tentative step forward. "Nothing happened. I understand these urges are tough to deal with, probably even more so for a mare like Twilight. I'm...willing to look past this."
Though her friends looked hopeful, Twilight did not stir.
"So long as you agree to repair the damage your chase has done to Ponyville," Celestia proclaimed, standing tall before them all as she lowered Twilight to the ground, "and promise never to try something like this again, you will receive no further punishment."
All the assembled ponies broke into various murmurings, but the consensus seemed good. Twilight was not as tyrannical as previously thought; they all understood the pain she was going through, even if they did not approve of her actions.
"I'll stick around to help you guys fix the town up," Alfonz said with an affirming nod. "And if you're friends are busy and you need an ear, don't hesitate to ask. You've got wings now, after all; Canterlot shouldn't be too far a journey."
Princess Luna was noticeably surprised at this, but approved with a nod of her own. "I will look past this unsightly incident as well, Twilight Sparkle. I hope that we can still be friends."
Twilight looked up from her shame and smiled. For the first time, Alfonz felt like he was, truly, in Equestria. Despite the terror, the hardship, and the horror, they came together in the end as friends.
And it was just this kind of sappy end that he would expect from the show he loved.