Why is this happening to me? Everything was fine, I was hanging with the girls, laughing and having fun... but now, I'm dead. I don't want this, I want to go back to my friends.. Sadness and fear swelled up in her chest as she was unable to stop the dark thoughts from running through her mind. What would I go back to? What will my friends think of me... What have they always thought of me!? Her chest burned with the urge to hyperventilate, but she couldn't. The frustration of it was eating her up inside, she wanted to shout, to scream at the darkness, but when she got the urge to do so, the bleakness of it overcame her, she felt defeated. Could they tell I was like this? Did they know I was so damaged? Why did they keep me around if I'm so pathetic.. No, I can't take it anymore! She shook her head, trying to dispel the painful thoughts.
“Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think... don't think.” Haze filled her mind. She drew her attention to anything but the pain and the doubt. 'I bet this is all a dream, and I'm going to wake up soon and not remember a thing. Tomorrow I'll give Twi a flying lesson, then take a nap, then run a race with AJ. Cause those are the things I like to do. I'm Rainbow Dash, the fastest flier in Equestria and the most loyal friend Ever! Her heart ached, she found it hard to believe in herself. That's who I am right?
“No... it's not.” Rainbow Dash opened her eyes, looking up from her hooves, though she did not get up. She had her tail wrapped around her and her wings slightly spread out, laying on the floor. the darkness she had wallowed in had been replaced, by a small room with a hard, cold stone floor. A dim, artificial light flickered in the room, illuminating the only other thing in it, a small colt looking almost as sad as herself laying only a tail length away from her.
“W-who are you?” The colt was small and frail looking with a bedraggled violet mane and pale coat. Unlike with Shield and Trauma, Dash did not fear the boy, instead she felt empathy for him, and worry. Their eyes met, he had deep, ocean blue eyes, but they were dull with pain.
“My name's Bravado.”
“Bravado?”
“Yeah, that's my name.” The more Dash looked at him the worse his condition seemed, he looked tired and under weight. He looked like his coat had never seen sunlight.
“Do you know what's happening to me? Where am I?” He shook his head lightly.
“I don't know exactly why you're here, only he knows the whole story. I do know that it's because of me though.
“What!?” Dash shot up, the colt shrunk back, startled by the sudden movement. Her mind raced, she wanted to scream at him, to force him to tell her what was happening to her, she trembled with anger. Then, he looked up at her, his eyes had a dull haze of sadness.
“I'm sorry, I really don't know anything else.” Dash hung her head, her bangs obscuring her face, but her tears could be seen rolling down her face, pooling on the cold floor beneath them. She let out soft whimper.
“Why...” The monotone in her voice was like the stillness in the air before a massive tornado. Then came the storm.
“Why!” She put her hooves on the colt's shoulders. She wailed, tears pouring as she shook him violently.
“Who are all of you! Why are you all torturing me like this! Why! Why did it end like this?! I was happy, I don't care if it was a lie I was happy damn it....” She stared into his eyes with an expression of rage, but her eyes and tears showed only pain and sadness. His sad expression hadn't changed for an instant.
“No... you weren't.” She released him and staggered back. Her expression was broken and she seemed to be looking far off in the distance.
“I was.. I was happy.” She whispered to herself with a bittersweet, broken smile. Bravado only looked at her with pit.
“I can answer everything with a question Rainbow Dash.”
I was happy, I was happy. I was.. She thought to herself, instinctively tuning him out.
“Rainbow Dash, why are you always afraid?”
I was happy.. Bravado stepped towards her, unconsciously she backed away. Her mind was somewhere else, but Bravado would not yield. Her back bumped into the wall.
“I was happy, I was. With my friends, with flying, with my life...” I was happy.
“No Rainbow Dash, you weren't. It was a lie, it was always a lie. You don't know how to feel happy, you don't remember how to feel.”
“Please... stop. stay away! Leave me alone! I can't do it. My life... my feelings... were real.” Her denial was beginning to fall apart. She covered her face with her hooves and cried.
“Rainbow Dash, you buried you feelings. You buried them and they died, one by one until you only had a mask of strength, a guise of false feeling, because that's the only way you could think to hide from your emptiness.” No... no.. I.. I can't do this anymore. I don't want this. I... I was never alive. Rainbow Dash fell against the wall, her body went limp. She looked like a doll, unbreathing and still, except for her eyes, full of pain and tears streaming from them. It finally happened. Rainbow Dash, was broken...
“I know it hurts, but it's the truth.” The colt stood on his hind legs and wrapped his forelegs around her waist. He hugged her tight, resting his face on her chest.
Shield was right... I have no soul, I'm nothing. Without realizing it she had brought Bravado into her embrace. His small, frail body was comfortably warm. She was crying into his mane.
“It was a lie.. all of it. I'm not.. I'm not real.” She cried, squeezing him tighter as she began to embrace the truth.
“Rainbow Dash, I am going to show you a time when your mask hurt those around you and yourself.” He hugged her ever more tenderly as he spoke. Dash's voice cracked as she chocked out her next words burying her face in his mane, shutting her eyes tightly.
“Why... why? I already understand.. I just want this to end.. please don't show me anymore. Isn't it enough now? I.. I know I have no soul.”
“I'm sorry Rainbow Dash, but it's that's not enough. Now, you shall see the pain brought on by your bravado.”
*********************************************************************************************************
“Thanks everypony, but it was really no big deal.” She smiled nervously, scanning the crowed of ponies. Then, a small pale pink filly with dirt and leaves in her blue mane stepped towards her.
“It was to me! You're my hero Rainbow Dash!”
“What is this? That's me from recently, it seems so familiar but...” She trailed off, trying to bring that day into memory but she couldn't. She was still in shock, she didn't want to watch but every sound, feeling and image forced it's self into her mind. All she could do was hold the colt in her hooves, hugging him tight as though he were a teddy bear and she were a child. His cold, sad expression never changed.
“You wouldn't remember it well, it was a painful day for you. You just saved that filly. You had no idea how to react, you didn't know what you were supposed to feel. It scared you because you felt nothing.”
Rainbow Dash smiled and fluttered away.
Suddenly, the scene faded to black.
“So, what was that? Why was that something painful?” Rainbow Dash looked down at Bravado. Before he answered he faded away for a moment, reappearing in front of her. The cold swept in, taking up the space that he occupied in her grasp. Rainbow Dash again wanted to cry, the only kindness she had been shown yet was replaced with cold loneliness. She wanted to grab him, to hold him even if he didn't want her to, but her body was heavy with sadness and too weak to try. She resigned herself to the pain.
“It's not over yet.”
“There's something wrong with the baby!” She call out, everypony's face became grim and shocked. Then she smiled and held the foal triumphantly.
“She's not cheering for everypony's favorite hero, Rainbow Dash!” She called out, fear gone the ponies cheered for her as she seemed to lap up the attention.
“Why was I acting like that?” She asked bleakly, her voice weak and tired.
“You didn't know what else to do. You couldn't be proud of yourself, you couldn't be happy that you saved somepony, you couldn't even accept praise. So you did the only thing you know how to do. You hid. You hid behind a mask of bravado, because you didn't want to face the fact that you couldn't feel anything and because you wanted every pony to hate you, so you wouldn't have to face it. There is one more part to this memory Rainbow Dash. Now, watch.”
“Let's see how mysterious you are without that mask!” She growled. The makes pony ran and Rainbow Dash gave chase into a series of alleys. She darted back and forth but the masked mare seemed to be everywhere. She growled in frustration before flying over a building. She lay in wait on the roof and it didn't take long for the stranger to show herself. Dash leapt from the roof.
“I got you now!” She tackled her to the ground, the force from the impact made them both tumble on the ground but Dash stood on top.
“Alright Ms. Mysterious!” She grabbed the mask in her teeth and pulled. “Mystery Solved!... P-Pinkie!?” She said in shock, looking disbelievingly at her friend. Then, another of the masked heroes appeared in front of her. She removed her mask.
“Twilight!?” She turned around and saw a third who also unmasked herself.
“Applejack!?”
Rainbow Dash stared at the scene as memories flooded back to her. She understood now why it was such a painful memory. She barely whispered her revelation.
“Maredowell...”
“That's right Rainbow Dash, it's ironic that the whole time, you were the one hiding behind a mask. You hurt yourself and your friends with your bravado and yet, even when they caused you pain, all you did was double up. You strengthened your mask and locked away the pain. You knew you were incapable of feeling, so you wanted your friends to hurt you because that's what you deserved but do you know that you hurt your friends with your mask every day! You lie to yourself and kill your soul, and they watch as you do it to your self. Do you know why I look like this? It's because you call on me, you use me, you and him. You suck me dry and abuse me so you don't have to feel anything or deal with the feeling of others!” Rainbow Dash felt a deep, permeating pain in her heart. She shivered, wrapping her hooves and wings around herself, trying to get back the warmth lost when Bravado broke their embrace. She cried, feeling like her tears would freeze to her fur.
“You aren't brave, you have no courage or confidence left. They died a long time ago, you killed them with your fear and by letting him bury them. I'm all that has kept you going but I'm not enough Rainbow Dash, you can't live only existing as a thin veil of bravado hiding a hollow and dead shell! You can't do it any more Rainbow Dash!” She had curled up into a fetal position, she was shaking hard and weeping softly. I have no soul, no heart and no feeling... I- I can't go on, I can't..
“Rainbow Dash, there is one more thing I must show you.” She looked up, her eyes exhausted and defeated. She couldn't fly away, she couldn't pretend it wasn't real. No matter what, the images and feeling would follow her in her own mind. It was hell, and there was no escape. She nodded meekly.
It was the library, the library in Ponyville. Twilight's home. Suddenly a rainbow blur shot out of the door and soared into the sky at incredible speed. It was Rainbow Dash, tears falling off her face and her eyes were dull, she was lost in her own mind, escaping from something... trying to forget.
Rainbow Dash again suddenly felt a sharp and intense pain shoot through her body and everything went dark. She yelped and gritted her teeth, curling tighter into a ball and shutting her eyes. It was just as with Trauma, the memory from today, before she died. Rainbow Dash slowly opened her eyes, only to find to her despair that she was again all alone in the dark. She closed her eyes and tried to drift away, wishing for only one thing.
I can't go on... Just let me die, I have no soul and no heart. I don't deserve my friends... I don't want to exist anymore... I just... I want the blackness to take me away... away from the pain... Please.