Greetings, dear reader and loyal subject. In the few short years since my return to Equestria, I have striven to serve my people as best I can. At Night Court, just like my sister in her Day Court, I give advice and pass judgement on those who come before me. However, not all ponies live in Canterlot, and many lack the means to approach me. Therefore, in an effort to reach out to the ponies who require a shot of royal wisdom, I have chosen to start this advice column. I invite thee to send thy questions to this citizen shouldst thou wish to have thine issues addressed in future editions.
And now, without further ado, on to the advice!
I feel like my big sister is overshadowing me. Everypony seems to like her so much more than they like me. What should I do?
~JawJoe
Dear JawJoe,
Thine inquiry remindeth me of something. Unfortunately, I cannot recall what.
So, thou wishest to gain recognition despite thy sister's popularity? If 'twere me, I would simply bring about eternal nigh—ooohh, now I understand. Very funny.
In order to repay thee for thine oh-so-witty jest, I have set my researchers about discovering a method by which I might deliver unto thee a kick through the mail. Wouldst thou prefer a package or a letter?
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Somepony in my household keeps using my toiletries. I wouldn't mind so much if they would ask, or have the common courtesy to replace them, but it's distressing to find deep blue hairs caught in one's toothbrush when you don't have that color in your own coat anywhere.
Especially given that a toothbrush shouldn't typically be in places that result in hairs being caught in it.
Please give me some advice; should I replace my toiletries without saying anything, speak to the ponies I believe are responsible, or take a flamethrower to the whole set and petition to have the suspected culprits sent back to the bucking moon?
Sincerely,
Sunny Skies
Dear Sunny Skies,
Shame upon thy living companions! The sanctity of one's toothbrush is part of an unspoken contract between them and thee.
A similar experience cometh to mind, upon my reading of thy woes.
During my university years (oh, the nostalgia!), I lived alongside a number of other mares. One evening, I went to the river to bathe, only to find that my favorite rubber duck had been abducted. Needless to say, my righteous anger was significant. Finally, following a series of arguments, fights, and a singalong, we discovered the culprit and banished her to the moon (now that I think of it, many of my disputes have ended in such a manner).
I shan't deny that this might have been a bit of an overreaction, although I never did find my poor ducky...
Anyway, back to thy problem!
If thou thinkest that the miscreant would reveal him/herself upon being asked, ask away! Then, thou couldst use reason to resolve thine issue. However, if nopony cometh forward to take responsibility, as is often the case, then thou shalt have to take steps in order to protect thy belongings.
For the best solution, keepest thou thy toiletries in thy chambers, so that only thou hast access to them. 'Tis a shame that thou canst not trust thy friends, but so be it. However, if thou wishest to leave thy soap and whatnot where it will be used instead of carting it to and fro, purchase cheaper products. That way, thou shalt not lose as much when thy trust is violated and thine items are used.
Other than a stern lecture for everypony potentially involved, I cannot think of any other solutions. The flamethrower may be a bit excessive. Oh, except in the case of the hairs in thy toothbrush. Findest thou the blue pony and punish him/her (I shall personally approve thy proposal of a one-way trip to the moon). There shall be no mercy for ponies who brusheth their flanks with another's toothbrush. THY PRINCESS HATH SPOKEN!
Regards,
Luna
Dearest Princess Luna,
Lately something has been plaguing me; for the life of me I can not get be rid of these feelings that have appeared within me. I do not know if you can aid me, as I do not believe you have ever been in such a position. I wonder if I should have even taken the initiative to contact you about this, there will be repercussions . However, I have already gained accesses to the study, and aqired a piece of parchment and quill pen. In the morning she will find my hooves sullied with ink and surely be furious. My intentions are not to irk her. But if things go well, perhaps I will be forgiven. Oh, how I am carrying on. You must understand, this is a rather embarrassing topic for me. Hopefully, you will not publicize this. Back to the point!
I see her every day. Every morning, I hear her hoof steps as she trots down the stairs and I am filled with a feeling akin to being submerged head to hoof in warm fluff. Now that I think of it, this is one of the few things I feel. The concept and word itself is new too me, I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps she brought it.
Every morning, she dances into the room flawless. Her hair is perfectly styled, not a strand out of place. It bounces with every step. Her eyes catch the ascending sun, and sparkle more brightly than the most beautiful gemstone. Every day, she fusses over me, fitting me with exquisite attire. She smiles when she sees me, eyes aflame with her newest ideas, and I melt. Alas, her smile is not for me. When she smiles, she looks past me. When her eyes grace me, she sees not me but the masterpiece I am wearing.
I have no eyes but I see and all I see is her beauty. I have no mouth to whisper to her how she sends my heart aflutter. I have no heart, but it beats like a hummingbird's. All I have are these incompetent, fumbling hooves and years of watching her put thoughts on parchment. How can I possibly hope to capture her heart. How do I rid myself of these painful feelings. What do I do?
Eternally yours,
Mannequin # 2
Dear Mannequin,
Please, there is no need for deception! If thou lovest me, then thou needest only say so—the days are cold, and Night Court is so very long and boring. Thou cannot see it, but I am winking in thy direction.
Very well, I shall get serious. Heedest thou thy Princess's words:
Firstly, thou must never let this mystery mare discovereth thy vivid description of her physical features—'tis a bit creepy. Romantic, but creepy.
Secondly, thou needest let her realizeth thy true feelings. To this end, get thee into a forest and slay the mightiest beast thou canst find. After this is accomplished, layest thou the vanquished's head(s) at her hooves; this subtle gesture shall gently hint at thy devotion, while also telling other stallions what befalleth those who defy thee.
Thirdly, and most importantly, elevate thy position—I can clearly see that thou art as a servant to this mare. 'Twill be impossible to earn her love if she regardeth thee not as an equal. If she would scold thee over a simple letter (wherefore wouldst thou not wash thy hooves?!), then thou hast no hope for a healthy relationship.
Follow these simple steps three, and thou shalt find thyself in a most sturdy position from which thou canst pursue a relationship with any mare under the moon (assuming that she returneth thine affections, of course).
Best of luck!
Luna
Why doesn't anyone want to make sacrifices to me?
~Khorne
Dear Khorne,
Hast thou seen thy name? 'Tis "Khorne". Corn is a vegetable. 'Tis the equivalent of me saying, "Behold, for We are the Dark Lord of Dark Darkness, Tomato the Dark! Worship Us!" Wouldst thou expect me to receive any followers from such a comical declaration? Of course not.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
We have some friends who don't have their cutie marks yet. What would you say is the best way for us them to get cutie marks?
Concerned Mark-having Citizens
Dear Citizens-Who-Are-Certainly-Not-the-Cutie-Mark-Crusaders,
Phew! It gladdeneth me that ye have your cutie marks. After all, whenever a pony without a cutie mark pretendeth otherwise, that pony's mark shall never appear. But that shan't be an issue for ye, as ye already have your marks.
In fact, one time, a colt appeared before me in court and did ask for advice on obtaining a cutie mark (for a friend, of course). He had painted a fake mark on his flank; when I asked him about it, he insisted it to be real. To this day, that poor little pony still hath no cutie mark. But, again, this should not concern ye, as ye already have your marks. Just imagine if ye were only pretending—the irony makes me laugh! Oh, my sides ache from mirth at imagining such a scenario!
Tell your friends that the best way to attaineth a cutie mark is to do that which they love. One cannot rush to realize one's true talent, so patience is key.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Luna
so I like this stallion, but he isn't a stallion he's... well... I can't say what he is. my friends don't like him very much and think that he is very mean and untrustworthy, but I think the exact opposite, should I ask if he likes me too?
please send a reply.. if you want too that is..
from: a lover in the dark.
Dear Lover,
Ah, young love, how I have missed thee! The days of frolicking in orchards, enjoying picnics, and playing competitive checkers... marvelous!
Most importantly, thou shouldst keep in mind that love will without doubt cloud thy vision. Therefore, dismiss not thy friends' warnings until thou hast examined them (objectively!). Only then canst thou proceed.
I believe that simply asking the stallion-who's-not-a-stallion for his feelings will only end poorly for thee. Nopony liketh to be confronted with such a question, and such an inquiry would likely chase him away. Instead, spendest thou thy time with him, and when thou feelest more comfortable about thy position, then thou canst broach the topic.
On an unrelated note, should somepony cause Discord to panic and go on a rampage, I would be most cross. Most cross, indeed. Just saying.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Best Princess,
Last night's eclipse and meteor shower were amazing! How do you do that?
Your adoring subject,
Pipsqueak (Provided by somebadauthor)
Dear Best Subject,
When one commandeth the might of the cosmos, 'tis no trouble at all, dear Pip—no trouble at all.
By the way, I look forward to beholding thy sure-to-be-dazzling costume next Nightmare Night.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I keep trying to arrange the dusk and emergence of the stars, but some other Princess of the Night is getting in my way and doing things differently. Come on, Ursa Major is so last millenium. Who keeps that around?
Your Concerned Superior,
Princess Twilight Sparkle, B.P. (Provided by somebadauthor)
(Best Princess)
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Of which other Princess of the Night dost thou speak? 'Tis mine understanding that I are the only ruler of the night sky! When I find whoever usurps mine authority, I shall render her unable to speak, due to my hoof being lodged firmly in her face.
By the way, Ursa Major only existeth due to a series of events that involved a sorority, a box of nails, fifteen yards of string, and a lot of liquor. I was young—do not judge me!
I also wish to address these two terms: "Your Concerned Superior" and "Best Princess". I do believe that thy head hath inflated, due to thy brand-new set of wings. Mayhaps we should endeavour to shrink it a little.
My sister hath shown me a number of thy foal pictures, pictures that I found most amusing—especially the ones where thou hast a pencil firmly lodged in each of thy nostrils. We also laughed long and loud at the picture of thee with thy cute little keister held aloft whilst thou fought to extract thy head from a hole in the ground. Simply adorable.
On an unrelated note, at the time that thy mother took those photographs, I were over two thousand years old.
I look forward to future correspondence with thee, Princess Twilight "A-Tiny-Fraction-of-Luna's-Age-and-Experience" Sparkle.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Luna, the Galactic Empire has killed off half your citizens, and demands that you do the
following.1. Surrender all arms
1a. Surrender all soldiers
2. Give up the fight.
3. Turn your Self in.~ Darth Vader
Dear Vader,
Thou speakest to the wrong pony if it is thy belief that We shall merely give up. Also, "surrender all arms"? Dost thou realize that ponies only have legs?
I find myself growing angrier by the second. Vader, WE SHALL END THEE! PREPARE THY POSTERIOR!
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Grrr hrargh garr crystals rarg. Grahh hurg slaves hrargh narr. Hrarar grau rrgh roff grahh?
~Misunderstood in the Crystal Empire
Dear Misunderstood,
Ah, after the previous correspondence, my fury had risen tenfold. However, my nerves do settle upon reading thy beautiful prose. Where didst thou learn to write such delicate lines? I can barely see through the tears that thy gorgeous language hath brought to mine eyes.
Of course, I understand that the ethno-political situation in the Crystal Empire maketh circumstances difficult for thy people. However, thou art to be commended for making it as far as thou hast while managing to remain true to thine upbringing.
Keep up the good work!
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I'm right fond of my brother, and I don't mean in just a sisterly fashion. I think he might feel the same way, but I don't know what the rest of the family will think, or how my friends will react. What should I do?
Zap Anxious
Dear Zap Anxious,
While thy question is slightly outside of mine area of expertise, I shall endeavour to give thee guidance.
I would caution thee against jumping into any kind of romantic relationship with thy relative. Mayhaps it is true love, but on the other hoof, mayhaps it is simple youthful infatuation. Wouldst thou risk bringing severe consequences down upon thee simply to fulfill a sex drive? Then, thou shouldst consider thy family's position. If such a relationship with thy brother became public, then thou wouldst chance a rift between thee and those thou lovest.
Finally, I shall mention genetic issues, and leave the subject at that.
I advise thee to think very carefully before committing to this.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I have a message for you from the future. Do not play that CD that is enclosed with this message it is what it wants. In the name of all things decent don't play the disc.
-Scalor Barracuda Cyborg
Dear Cyborg,
Wherefore wouldst thou send a disc if thou didst not want me to play it?! Now I have a multitude of awful songs stuck in my head, and apparently only seven days to live! 'Tis a most inconvenient condition.
A curse upon thee,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna
My classmates annoy me. How do I deal with this?
Eh,
A sexy a mannequin.
Dear Mannequin,
Thou hast come to the right pony.
The first thing thou must do is warn them—'tis only fair to give them a chance to right their ways. In the case that they refuse, do the following:
1. Raise thy voice.
2. Stomp on the ground repeatedly.
3. Smite thy foes against a mountain.
Repeat these steps as needed until thy worries go away.
Have fun!
Luna
Dear Luna,
Ever read any of our fanfictions before? Specifically, the incest ones, where you have sex with Celestia.
Reactions?
Love,
Me.
Dear You,
No, I have never even heard of such a disturbing thing. Allow me a moment to peruse the Internet.
Alright, I have returned. Upon reading a number of the works that thou mentionest, I threw up a little in my mouth. Prepare thyself for a mail-order kick (patent pending).
Regards,
Luna
Okay.......I'm having all the work dumped on me by the rest of the group, but If I don't do it they'll screw it up, and i'd take the fall with them. What do I do?
~Lorthalis of Crows
Dear Lorthalis of Crows,
So, thy coworkers refuse to do their portion of the work, eh? Well, fear not—I have the perfect way to make things right.
First, thou shouldst approach thy group to discuss thine issues. Mayhaps they are not avoiding work, but instead simply do not have the correct facts. In the chance that this worketh not, more dire steps are necessary.
Approach thy superior about the issue, and describe to him or her thy complaints. A good leader shall presenteth a solution for thy consideration. However, should this step fail thee as well, I can see no other option besides completing the work thyself.
The last laugh shall be thine, as thou art not obligated to attribute the work to anypony other than thyself. If thy name is the only one on the final product, then it shall be clear who deserveth the credit.
Best of luck!
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Why are you always in my dreams? Mother says you're waiting to eat my soul.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Subject
Dear Concerned Subject,
I know not of what thou speakest. If thou hast cake, I would gladly eat that, but souls are not a regular part of my diet.
Also, thou knowest why I am always in thy dreams. Thou knowest.
Until tonight!
Luna
What are your top tips for love?
~The Princess Rarity
Dear Princess Rarity,
Top tips for love, eh? Very well, I shall divulge Our secrets. Behold, "Luna's Top Five Ways to Get Any Pony to Love Thee":
1. Concussive Voice
2. Starry Mane
3. Drinking Songs
4. Indiscriminate Violence
5. Bedroom Eyes
Worketh like a charm.
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I hurt my sister a while ago and It won't stop hurting. Do you know any remidies to help me, I don't think can talk to her about it.
Humbly,
A distressed mare.
Dear Distressed Mare,
As thou mayest know, I once was in a teeny, tiny altercation with my sister, during which I tried to overthrow her rule and bring eternal night upon Equestria. However, we did not have much difficulty reconciling our differences (mostly do to the fact that she banished me to the moon for a thousand years, and felt appropriately guilty).
Thy first step is to determine the reason for which thou cannot speak with thy sibling. If the problem lieth with thee, then it is thy responsibility to overcome it and make things right. However, if thy sister refuseth thine apologies, then different actions become necessary.
Be certain that thy sister realizeth thy desire to mend your relationship. That way, should her mind changeth, she knoweth to approach thee. Other than that, thou art obligated to respect her wishes. The best thou canst do is to endeavour to never make such a grievous error again.
Best of luck to thee,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna;
Your subjects seem to have come to love you a great deal; Could you describe your personality? Also, are you going on any trips, alone, anytime soon?
Sincerely,
Loveless in the Wastes.
Dear Loveless,
Of course my subjects love me, for I am their sovereign Princess of the Night. Also, I make certain to give everypony the "bedroom eyes", after which they are as putty in my hooves.
If I had to describe my personality, 'twould be with a swift kick. Let that be a warning to thee. I often go on trips, but always accompanied by my good friends, Bruce and Edgar (pretend thou canst see me gesturing to my fore-hooves).
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
I can't make friends for some reason. I asked my sister and she said I was talking too loud and that other ponies typically don't like to have the sun blocked out when they're talking to somepony. But she sets stuff on fire and gets away with it! Why do they not adore my godlike voice and epic powers?
Sincerely,
Eternal Night
Dear Eternal Night,
I see no problem with thy behavior—thy sister is clearly in the wrong. Here is my suggestion: Overthrow her and plunge Equestria into eternal—oh. OH!
A pox upon thee, thou cad! This is the last time I fall for this stupid trick! As soon as they leave development, I shall send thee a trio of kicks by mail!
Regards,
Luna
Dear Princess Luna,
Whatever you do, don't start the war with Zebras. Also send Fluttershy to the moon. For the safety of all of Equestria.
Sincerely,
SrCP.S when. Is Tia going to send me home?!
Dear SrC,
Thou hast my gratitude for thine advice. Why, if thou hadst said nothing, I am certain that I would have declared war on the Zebras within the month! Phew, dodged that bullet.
I feel as though thou hast ulterior motives for banishing our little yellow friend; mine eye is on thee.
Regarding thy desire to return home, Tia shan't commit to a firm date, but if thou wishest, I can send thee somewhere instead. I mean the Moon, just in case thou didst not understand.
Regards,
Luna
I seem unable to fall asleep normally before 1AM or even later. If I do, my body treats it as a nap and I wake up in the middle of the night, and stay awake until dawn, and then I need to go to work in the morning. As result I'm permanently drowsy and can't concentrate. I'd really love to sleep through the day and live through the night, but I can't really change my job. Any help?
~RandomBlank
Dear RandomBlank,
Ah, I recall a time when I also had issues staying awake. I tried to adopt my sister's sleep schedule, but thought the day too bright—mine eyes cared not for the sunlight. Coincidentally, this is part of the reason I tried to bring about eternal night.
Anyway, back to thy problem. The best solution is to attempt to "tough it out", in the hopes of causing thy body to adapt to the desired sleep schedule. If thou findest no success, then perhaps speakest to thy doctor about the problem.
Alternately, thou couldst always apply to join my Night Guard. I hear that they are short on recruits, these days. Thou canst sleep all day, plus we offer full dental coverage.
Regards,
Luna
I have issues staying focused and generally waste all my time doing unproductive stuff. Anyway to work up motivation to tear through 4 hour long problems?
~Fourpony
Dear Fourpony,
I fully understand thy struggles. The work itself may be simple, but the length of time required turneth thy task into one far more difficult to complete.
When I need to pull an all-nighter (all-dayer?), I rely on coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. However, that technique mayn't be the most healthy thou canst employ.
Instead, I suggest that thou breakest thy work into pieces, then completest the pieces one at a time, with breaks in between. During those breaks, thou canst fuel up on glorious caffeine!
Best of luck!
Luna
Im heading out on deployment soon, any advice on how to stave off the boredom or keep up confidence
~The Korps
Dear Korps,
I think I have an idea.
Enjoy Our photograph, and make Us proud.
Regards,
Luna
Thus endeth the first edition of my column. I pray that these humble words were satisfactory to the writers, as well as helpful for everypony else who read this humble work. Once more, if thou wishest for me to address thy problems in the future, contact this citizen with thy question(s), and it shall be taken care of.
Farewell, dear reader. I wish thee a good night!