//------------------------------//
// D09: Any sufficiently advanced magic 
// Story: My Little Starcraft: Friendly Fire is Magic 
// by DuncanR 
//------------------------------//

Jack’s SCV dragged a giant tub of purified hyper-sugar onto the roof of the heavily damaged science vessel. She extended her fusion-tipped welding trowel, dipped it into the tub, and began spackling the substance over the nearest hull breach. The gelatinous goo hardened almost as soon as it was applied and took on a grey metallic texture.
Jack paused to activate her comm unit. “Professor Sparkle? I’m almost done patching up sector seven, but it’s slow going. I’m not sure we have enough raw materials for the whole ship.”
Twilight's voice came through loud and clear. “No worries. If we can restore at least twenty-five percent of the overall structural integrity, I can reactivate the central reactor without any risk of a meltdown. Once that happens, the auto-repair micro-bots will kick in.”
“Well that’s good to... wait. Did you say micro-bots?”
“Indeed! The Gigalith is equipped with a full suite of nanotech reactors. They can repair almost any mechanical dude in a matter of minutes.”
“That’s... neat. But where will you get the spare minerals?”
“Don’t need any,” she said. “All they require is energy. And when you have a blue-fusion reactor, there’s plenty of that!”
Jack arched an eyebrow. “Talk about fancy. All’s I got is a torch and a trowel.”
“Just a thought,” said the Professor, “but I bet you could use nanotechnology to enhance your SCVs, allowing them to build and repair mechanical dudes and thingies at a distance.”
Jack chuckled. “That sure sounds neat-o, but I’d rather stick with what works. If this SCV was good enough for my pappy and his pappy before, It’s good enough for me.”
Professor Sparkle nudged her goggles. “Good point. It can be dangerous to tinker with foundation technologies. Perhaps we could incorporate the nanotech into your factories? Or a dropship of some sort? You could even make a dedicated ‘repair turret’ to bolster your defenses. The possibilities are endless!”
Jack finished patching the hole and dragged the tub to the next fissure. “Lan’ sakes, mare. For a science vessel, this thing sure took a beating.”
“Most of the damage you see was sustained while visiting our other colonies. There’s been a lot of combat lately. Fortunately, the Megalith is designed for extremely hostile environments.”
Jack spackled shut a series of long, ragged tears. “Hostile environment? It looks like you ran it through a blender! Who were ya running from?”
Before she could answer, Rainbow Dash flew in close and hovered in front of Jack’s SCV. She wiped some sweat off her brow and hefted her machine pistol.
“Change in plans,” she said. “We’ve got major enemy movement approaching this area. I tried to thin their numbers with an aerial assault, but it only slowed their progress.”
“Dag nabbit! Those things are dang near fearless, ain’t they?”
“Enemies?” said professor Sparkle. “What kind of enemies?”
“We’ll explain it later,” said Jack. “How’s the science vessel doing? Are the repairs helping at all?”
“Hull integrity is at twenty three percent. Just a little more, and the auto-repair will kick in.”
“How long until the reactor thingy goes critical?”
“Thanks to the repairs, almost all of the dispersal rods are locked in place. We’ve bought ourselves a few more days.”
Jack glanced at her display screens. “How long until the enemy arrives, Commander Dash?”
“Minutes.”
Jack retracted her tools and hoisted the tub of hyper-sugar onto the back of her SCV. “That tears it. We’re pulling out for now.”
“But won’t they attack the vessel?”
“Not likely... these critters attack dudes on sight but they tend to ignore stationary thingies completely. As long as the vessel doesn’t move, they won’t even notice it.”
“Very well,” said the professor. “Just give me one more minute to finish up, and I’ll be right out.”
Jack moved her SCV into one of the science vessel’s empty launch bays and then climbed out of the cockpit. She ran back outside to where she’d parked her Buzzard, yanked a camouflage tarp off its hull and leaped into the driver’s seat just as rainbow Dash landed on the gunnery turret behind her.
“Awwright lez do dis!”
Jack shook her head. “Sorry commander, but you’ll have to fly on your own.”
“What? Why?”
“The professor’s gonna be riding with me. It’s the safest way to get her back to base.”
“Aww, come on! I bet she doesn’t even know a single thing about gunnery!”
“This isn’t about combat effectiveness,” Jack snapped. “We need to keep her alive!”
Dash looked away and grumbled.
Professor Sparkle ran over, dressed in the same full length, shiny-plastic lab coat and techno-puter goggles as before, but with a new pair of shiny plastic saddlebags with durable metal frames. “I’m here! I’m here! Did I miss anything?”
“Yer right on time, professor.” Jack looked up at Dash. “Isn’t she, commander?”
Jack climbed out of the gunnery turret and hovered nearby, grumbling. The professor climbed into the turret herself, stumbled briefly on the foot ladder, and strapped herself in. The Buzzard’s twin turbines roared to life and the hoverbike streaked across the plains.
Dash flew alongside them and waved at Jack. “Enemy units dead ahead! They must be trying to cut us off!”
Jack looked ahead and saw a vast field of massive beasts, gnarled and tough, lounging about idly.  “Those varmints musta been smarter than we gave ’em credit for. Is there any way around?”
“Not that I can see.”
Jack clenched her jaw and slammed her hoof against the accelerator. “Then we go straight through. Give us some air-support, wouldja?”
Dash swept her wings back and surged forward, leaving a rainbow-colored trail in her wake. She drew both machine pistols and brought them to bear on the foe: streams of white-hot bullets slipped through the air and splashes of vile alien blood stained the dirt. Jack’s Buzzard swerved between the beasts nimbly, and its twin grenade launchers peppered them with clouds of shrapnel. Even as they cleared a path through the herd, the surviving Rhynadons remained calm and placid.
“It’s like they don’t even care how many losses they suffer!” shouted Dash. “How are we supposed to demoralize an enemy like this!?”
Jack clenched her teeth. “They don’t give us much choice, do they? We’ll just have to wipe ’em out. Every last one of ’em.”
Twilight Sparkle looked around as they rushed through the herd of animals. “Is this really necessary? They seem to be harmless herbivores.”
Dash flew low. “We don’t have time for your touchy-feely eco-crap! Those monsters killed my father!”
“They did?”
“Well... not really. But they did attack our command center, and they forced us to blow up a pastry depot as we escaped.”
“It’s true,” shouted Jack, “and we’ve got the records to prove it. They look all slow and stupid, but you can’t trust ’em for a second.”
“Well why didn’t you say so?” Sparkle took out a clipboard and jotted a few notes. “Just a thought... I bet I could help you build a laser-fence that’ll fry anything that passes through it. It’s a great way of quickly blocking off large areas, and it’s especially effective against lightly armored dudes.”
“Laser fence?” said Dash. “That sounds... kinda awesome, actually!”
Jack pulled a hard right and drifted sideways for a moment, then swerved between three Rhynadons in rapid succession. She reared the nose of the hoverbike into the air and kicked the nitro-boost pedal: a blast of fire propelled the vehicle into the air and sent it sailing over a densely packed wall of hostiles. The bike landed hard and its rear section scraped the dirt and kicked up a cloud of dust.
Professor Sparkle adjusted her goggles. “I say, this is rather exciting. Do you think we could collect a few samples for later study?”
“Let’s worry about that later,” shouted Jack, “right after we get home alive!”
 
  
A few minutes later, the buzzard drove into the midst of their outpost and parked by the factory. Jack climbed out of the seat and stretched her back. Twilight hopped down from the turret with an excited grin.
“Not bad for my first day here,” she said. “I’ve visited a dozen other colonies and most of them were pretty boring.”
Dash landed nearby and holstered her pistols. “How are the other colonies doing, anyways?”
“Mostly on schedule. A few hundred factories here, a couple dozen starports there... nothing serious.” She glanced around. “Say, nice expy you got here.”
“Expansion. Riiight.” Dash bit her lower lip. “So, uh... are you gonna wanna visit our main base?”
Professor Sparkle shook her head. “Shouldn’t be nessecary. If I’m going to teach you how to use Vespene to do the science, it’s better to start with a clean slate.”
“Right, right. Good idea.”
Twilight Sparkle took out a clipboard and passed it to Jack. “I’ll need you to prepare a few things. As soon as you’re ready, we can get started.”
Jack scanned the list. “What’s this science you keep talking about, anyhow? What’s the big deal?”
“Don’t worry. You’ll see soon enough.” Twilight walked towards a side door, but paused to look at the interior of the bay. “Just a thought... I bet if you attached a couple vanadium-core gyro stabilizers to the superstructure of your primary thingies, you could probably build dudes and research new upgrades even while a building is in flight. Just something to think about.”
Jack and Dash watched as she left the bay. They turned to look at each other.
 
 
Jack walked through the cafeteria and checked each of the items laid out on the table. She turned to her clipboard just to be sure, even though there were only four items on the list: a box of refined hyper-sugar, several canisters of concentrated vespene gas, an avocado, and a bowl of nacho chips.
Dash walked along the other side of the table and peered at the items on display. She reached for the canisters of vespene, but Jack slapped her hoof. “Those are for guests.”
“Why? What makes her so special?”
“She’s a science officer,” said Jack. “Matter of fact, she’s the science officer. She knows Chancellor Pinkie Pie personally.”
Dash pouted. “She’s not that cool, y’know. She’s just some brainiac.”
“I don’t care if she’s—” Jack lowered her voice as she saw the Professor walk into the cafeteria. “Listen, Dash. She’s the only pony who can explain how most of our stuff even works. We need her help, and that’s that.”
Dash rolled her eyes, but said nothing.
Professor Sparkle walked over, smilight brightly. “Sup, girls?”
Jack pointed at the table. “We got everything you asked for, Professor.”
“Excellent.” Twilight set an empty bowl on the table and began cutting up the avocado. “The first thing you need to know about science is that it is awesome. All other scientific laws stem from this one, universal principle.”
Dash arched an eyebrow. “...Awesome?”
“Indeed. If it’s not awesome, it’s not science.” She put the avocado slices into an empty bowl and mashed them into a light green paste. “And because science is the study of absolutely everything, we can deduce that everything in the universe is awesome. Even stuff like dirt and rocks.”
Dash glared at her. “Rocks aren’t awesome. At all.”
Twilight pointed at her. “If something doesn’t seem awesome, you’re not looking at it properly.” She rummaged through her saddlebag and took out a chunk of shiny black rock. “Behold! Perfectly ordinary carbon. Is it hot, or is it not?”
Dash shrugged. “Not, I guess.”
“Wrong!” Twilight set a complicated looking gadget on the table. She broke the rock in half and stuck part of it into the gadget. “Under the right conditions, carbon atoms will arrange themselves in a variation of the face-centered cubic crystal structure. It becomes a metastable allotrope of carbon. By applying the appropriate pressure and temperature, we can accelerate the process artificially...”
The gadget hummed and whirred, and the buttons on its display blinked rapidly. A moment later, Twilight opened the gadget and dumped the contents onto the table.
Jack leaned down and peered at the shiny white gem. “Is that a diamond?”
“Astute observation. You are correct.”
“But... but the...!” Dash pointed at the gadget. “Did you just turn a plain old rock into  freakin’ diamonds!? How’d you do that!?”
Professor Sparkle set the diamond next to the remaining chunk of carbon. “These two objects are made of the exact same material. It’s wicked incontrovertible. They have a different physical structure, but that’s all. And if you built a proper armory thingy, with a full sized meta-foundry, you could make much larger diamonds in any shape you wanted.” Twilight grinned at them. “How’d you like to cover your whole entire everything with diamond plated armor?”
Dash and Jack stared at her, then at each other, awestruck.
“This is cool and all, but... what’s the vespene got to do with it?”
“See this gadget? I had to use some vespene to invent it, and then some more to actually build it.” She picked up the diamond. “Once it’s done, I can diamond plate as many mechanical dudes as I want, and it doesn’t cost a thing.”
Dash bit her lower lip. “Can you... can you build tanks?”
“Sure. Can you show me to your machine shop?”
Jack nodded. “We’d be happy to! The factory’s right outside of the Command Center, not even a stone’s throw away. Want a full tour?”
“That’s cool, but I only need to see the machine shop.”
“But... the factory is a machine shop. Isn’t it?”
“You still don’t have any add-ons?” Professor Sparkle nudged her goggles onto her forehead. “No wonder you’re having so much trouble.”
Jack furrowed her brow.  “I’ve gone through every button in the SCV’s cockpit, and I’ve never even heard of add-ons before. How do I build one?”
Twilight nodded towards the exit. “Why don’t you and the Commander head up to the main bridge? I’ll visit the factory myself and walk you through the science, step by step.”
“If y’say so, ma’am.” Jack stood up and walked towards the exit.
Dash followed after her, but paused to look back. “Hey, prof?”
“Yes?”
“What’s the avocado for?”
“Guacamole,” she said, lifting up a bowl full of light green mush. She took a nacho from the bowl, dipped it in the sauce, and ate it with a crunch. “You go on ahead. I’ll save you some.”
 
 
Half an hour later, Jack and Rainbow Dash walked out of the command center and headed towards the factory. They stopped halfway across the field and stared at an additional building neither of them recognized: a small, blocky structure covered with spinning gears and pumping pistons. It was connected to the factory by a huge pipe.
Rainbow Dash nodded towards the new building. “She, uh... told us to meet her inside, didn’t she?”
“I don’t see any doors on it,” said Jack. “Wanna check the factory first?”
Dash rolled her eyes. “Let’s just get this over with.”
Jack followed her to the building. “You don’t seem too excited about this. You know we’re getting tanks, right?”
“Tanks are cool... It’s the prof I’m not too excited about.”
“Why not? She seems nice.”
“I dunno... I just get the feeling she’s not as cool as she thinks she is. It’s like she’s trying too hard.” Dash rolled her eyes, and her voice became slightly mocking. “Ooh, I’m all sciencey and stuff! Science rules!”
Jack gave her a pat on the back. “Just hold out a little longer. She’ll go on her way, and things’ll be back to normal.”
They walked up the factory’s main ramp and opened the heavy garage door, and a hurricane of raw, untempered sound blasted against them: they scrunched their eyes shut and their manes flew back in the wind.
“What the...!?”
Dash opened one eye and saw a pair of colossal robotic arms holding a forty-foot long electric guitar painted with pink and purple stripes. Twilight Sparkle was standing between them on a raised platform, and the armatures mirrored her every motion: the manipulator pincers moved across the strings with alarming speed, and Twilight screamed into a microphone:
 

What if I say I’m not like the others?


What if I say I’m not just another


one of your plays? You’re the pretender!


What if I say I will never surrender!?

 
The armature slammed the strings and generated a devastating power chord, then seamlessly transitioned into a lightning-fast barrage of hot licks. Jack braced herself against the deafening wave of force, but was sent tumbling back down the ramp. Rainbow Dash took to the air and pushed forward, hovering like a jet chassis trapped in a wind-tunnel. She glided sideways along the wall, broke open an emergency panel and threw the cutoff switch inside. The engines powered down and the lights shut off. The giant armatures froze in place and the guitar’s strings let off a low, lingering vibration.
Twilight lifted her goggles and glanced around the factory. “Oh, hey.”
Dash walked towards her, staring in awe as she walked alongside the guitar. “Did you... make this?”
Twilight hopped down next to her. “Yeah. It’s a good way to test the machine-shop’s macro-assemblers. And it’s way easier than hauling the same Fat-Strat from planet to planet.”
“A fat...?” Dash’s eyes opened wide. “A Fender stratocaster with a humbucker! You mean you can actually play this thing? It’s not just some robot doing it!?”
Professor Sparkle nodded. “Electric guitars are a key component in making things awesome, which is absolutely vital for science. I’m actually the lead guitarist in a drum’n bass band my science buddies started: it’s called ‘Our Bass Is Under Attack’.”
“Oh-mi-gosh, I think I know which song you were playing! That’s the, uh... ‘The Pretender’, by the Hoof Fighters, isn’t it?”
“Close,” she said, “but this one’s a cover by Infected Mushroom. A mix of drum’n’bass and psy-trance. I’m still calculating the exact ratio needed for maximum optimization.”
Dash’s left ear flipped up. “...Infected mushroom?”
“Yeah, they’re pretty obscure. You’d have to be really into music to know ’em.”
“I, uh... yeah, I guess.” Dash’s eyes darted to each side. “You know, I’m... I’m a fan of music.”
Sparkle arched an eyebrow. “Just ‘music’?”
“No, I mean... you know what I mean! The original ‘The Pretender’ is one of my fave songs ever! Like, you know, the part with...” She reared up and played air-guitar. “Na-na-na, naaaa! Da-da duhnnn, da nana... you know the one! I still have that album somewhere.”
“Album?” Twilight tilted her head slightly. “You mean ‘Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace’?”
“Wha? No, it was... the other one.”
“What other songs were on it? Did it have ‘Wheels’ and ‘Word Forward’?”
Dash smiled. “Yeah, those too!”
Twilight Sparkle arched an eyebrow. “That was a greatest hits album, ya poser.”
“It was? I mean... well...” Dash ran a hoof through her mane. A droplet of sweat trickled down her brow. “That’s not bad, is it? I mean, I wasn’t—”
Sparkle smiled and gave her a hug. “Aw, I’m just messing with ya. It was a pretty good album. Really.”
A series of clumsy, erratic hoofbeats approached them. They both looked up as Jack stumbled over, both eyes spinning. “Who... wha...?”
Twilight took out one of her sonic stunner pistols, adjusted a knob, and pointed it at Jack. There was a barely-audible whine, and she immediately snapped to alertness.
Jack frowned. “What the hey’s goin’ on in here?”
“Just testing the macro assemblers,” said Twilight. “Now that the machine shop is plugged in and ready to go, you can build big dudes.”
Dash reared up and pulled an invisible train whistle. “Yes!!”
“That’s wonderful!” said Jack. “Can you show me how it works?”
“That’s what I’m here for!” Twilight nodded to Rainbow Dash. “You may as well go back to the command center and kill some time. Jack and I gotta talk nerdy to each other for awhile.”
“Wha...? But I wanna see the tanks! Can’t I at least watch?”
“Sorry, but the construction process is pretty technical.”
Dash stepped in place, nervously. “But... I’m cool, right?”
Twilight nodded. “Sure you are. But you’re not nerdy.”
Twilight and Jack walked off together, chatting about engineering and science. “Just a thought,” said Twilight, “but if you connected an orbital uplink thingy to your command center, I bet you could use spy satellites to scan the planet’s surface for tactical information.”
“Well shucks! That’d be right useful!”
Dash walked out of the factory, staring at the floor.
 
 
The halls of the command center were dim, and the only sound was the faint hum of air conditioners. Most of the structure's interior space was taken up by the expansive main supply bay, but there were still plenty of other smaller rooms all connected by ring-shaped corridors. The rooms in this particular command center were mostly empty, with only a few folding chairs or plain cardboard boxes scattered about randomly.
The door to one such room opened wide, momentarily filling the corridor with flashing lights and pulse-pounding techno-electronica music. Jack and Twilight Sparkle stepped out of the room, talking excitedly.
“I gotta build one ’a them engineering thingies you were talkin’ about,” said Jack. “I can’t believe we got along without one!”
“It’s definitely a key structure. Even if you don’t intend to upgrade your infantry dudes, you can still use it to build  missile turrets. Even just one or two placed behind the mineral line is enough to dissuade air harassment and identify stealth dudes.”
“Stealth dudes,” Jack whispered. “We never even knew they could do that. Say, do ya think we could get some stealth dudes of our own?”
“Oh yes! I you can get a starport up, I can give you the schematics for—”
Rainbow Dash darted out from behind a bulkhead and stood in front of them. “Heeey, girls! How’s it goin’? With the science?”
Jack grinned, broadly. “It’s amazin’ stuff, it is! The next time our base is attacked, we’ll have a couple surprises ready.”
“Cool, cool.” Dash leaned on the wall. “So, Jack. Does that mean you understand all this sciencey stuff, now?”
“Twilights’ teachin me how to build stuff with Vespene, if that’s what ya mean. It couldn’t be simpler. Alls we gotta do is plug the right data core into the command center’s computo-box, and we’ll gain access to new thingies and dudes.”
Twilight nodded. “I’ve already provided you with the data required to build level one infantry upgrades and missile towers, and we’re working on a com-sat add-on for the command center. It should help you immensely.”
“Awesome. Really. Soooo... how do we get new kinds of dudes?”
“Well, you can construct Siege Tanks now.”
“Yeah, that’s cool, but I was thinking about something else.”
Twilight tilted her head. “Is there a specific unit you had in mind?”
“Ta-daa!” Dash took out a rolled-up piece of paper and unfurled it before them, showing an extensive array of pictures scribbled in crayon. “The Wonder-Volt Commando! It’s twice as tough as a marine, and it can fly and walk! It has a lightning rifle that shoots bolts of electricity, and they can make typhoons that suck in whole bunches of air dudes and then rips ’em apart! Cool, huh?”
Twilight stared at the crayon sketches for a moment. “I’m... not sure I recognize that particular air unit.”
“Well duh, because I made it up myself. It’s gonna be wicked awesome!” She pointed at one of the figures. “That’s their official military rank, too: ‘Wicked Awesome’. It’s just below ‘Captain’.”
Jack cleared her throat. “You can’t just make up new dudes whenever you want.”
“Oh, come on! Lightning rifle? Super typhoons? They’d be great anti-air!” She poked at the paper. “I’m, uh, not sure how to make it actually... do any of that stuff. But I bet you could figure it out!”
“It’s an interesting design,” said Twilight, “and I really like the idea of an electricity-based weapon—it’d be especially effective against metallic armor—but I can only give you new dudes if I have the proper data-core.”
“Well, how do you make the data-cores?”
“I made a lot of them myself,” she said, “but it’s a very complicated process that requires a lot of resources. And a great deal of scientific knowledge.”
“So, why don’t you invent it for me, then? You invent new dudes all the time, don’t you?”
“We don’t have time,” said Jack. “She’s too busy teaching me how to use the equipment we already have.”
Dash pointed a hoof at Twilight. “But you said science is always awesome, right? What if we add some lasers on there?” She set the paper on the floor and scribbled on it with a crayon. “Add some holograms and glowy-lines, put chainsaws on the wings, make it all shiny... now is it awesome enough?”
“Except that this particular class of dude would be completely ineffective in space. Lightning bolts and typhoons can only occur in an atmosphere.” Twilight’s horn glowed, and an aura of psionic force lifted the paper and rolled it up. “It’s not just a matter of pure awesomeness,” she said. “It has to be balanced. It takes years of experience and conditioning to know exactly how much awesomeness to add.”
Dash glared at the paper. Her lower lip trembled slightly. “I just... wanted to...”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll have all sorts of cool new things for ya soon enough. why don’t ya just sit back and relax while we take care of the busy-work?”
Dash ripped the paper in half and tromped past them. “Whatever!”
“Dash, wait!”
“Just lemme ’lone!”
Dash marched down the corridor. She slowed to a halt, and glanced back over her shoulder. Neither of them had followed her. She sat on the floor with a sniffle.
“...Stupid sciencey stuff. Who even cares?”
After a minute, she stood up and tossed the torn paper aside. She looked back again, but this time her eyes lingered on the door that Jack and Twilight had walked out of. She walked over and took a closer look: there were no labels or signs. She tapped the lever.
A panel by the door lit up, and a calm, robotic voice spoke through a tiny, scratchy speaker. “Identity required.”
“Uh... it’s me.”
“Voice recognition confirmed: Commander Rainbow Dash. Military rank: Supreme Planetary War-Battler, First Class. Clearance accepted.”
The lever clicked and the door went slightly ajar.
She stared at the door for some time. Then, with a glance to each side, she opened it wide and stepped inside. Rows of fluorescent lights activated in series, and the faint scent of cloyingly-sweet window-cleaner filled the air. There were shelves and tables everywhere, all full of tools and gadgets. She walked between the tables, peering at the items on display: it was impossible to tell if they were complete devices, or bits and pieces of larger mechanisms. Some of it looked like useless junk. Most of the items were mechanical in nature, but there were several complicated chemistry kits here and there, filled with bubbling, brightly colored liquids.
Wierd... but nothing in here is what I’d call super-cool.
She walked to the end of the room, and her eyes caught something familiar: an avacado pit with a pair of metal needles thrust through it crosswise, to suspend it over a glass beaker filled with glowing green liquid. The top of the large seed had a sprout growing out of it... instead of leaves, there were twisting, thorny tentacles laden with glowing green buds.
Where have I seen a tree like that before?
Dash leaned closer. The tree twitched at her, and she stumbled backwards with a gasp. She bumped up against an armored refrigerator behind her and the door opened slightly. Rays of green light came out, casting an eerie glow on her face. She looked inside and saw a six-pack of mini-sized soda cans. One was missing.
She tugged one of the cans out of the plastic loop and held it up. There was no label.
Eh. What the heck.
She popped the tab open and chugged the contents in one go. It fizzled like soda, and the taste was incredibly sour... like unsweetened apples mixed with raspberries. When she finished, she smacked her lips and worked her jaw back and forth. She stared at the wall for a few seconds.
Huh.
She tossed the empty can in a nearby trash receptacle and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
Jack’s voice echoed over the command center’s intercom. “Commander Dash?”
Dash took out her personal communicator and clicked a button. “Yeah... Dash here.”
“Can ya meet us over by the factory? We got a surprise for ya!”
Dash scratched her nose.
“Commander?”
“Still here,” she said. “Sorry. I’ll be right over.”
 
 
Dash flew across the base and landed next to the Factory. Jack waved at her, and waved at somepony inside. Moments later, a massive armored vehicle rolled down the ramp and onto the dirt: the tank had four independent tank treads, allowing it to roll over the terrain gracefully. The main turret was loaded with a pair of stubby, wide-bore energy cannons.
“Whoo-ee! Tell me that ain’t awesome as all-get-out!” Jack hopped over and gave one of the tank’s treads a kick.
Dash looked up at the main battle tank and stroked her chin. “Huh.”
Twilight Sparkle ran over, grinning. “The AAV-5 Arclite comes equipped with a pair of eighty-millimeter plasma cannons, but that’s only a support weapon. It’s primary purpose is to provide a mobile platform for long-range bombardment!”
“It’s an artillery cannon that you can move around whenever you like! That means it can defend our own base like a tower, and we can use it to blow up enemy bases too. It’s offense and defence in one tidy package!”
“We’re making it standard for all commanders,” said Twilight, “but you’re the first to actually use it. Chancellor Pinkie Pie insisted that only the best commander should be allowed to test in in the field!”
“Ya hear that, commander? Only the best!” Jack nudged Rainbow Dash’s side. “So, how’d you like to take it for a spin?”
Dash offered a half-nod, half-shrug. “Sure.”
 
 
Professor Twilight spent the next half hour giving Rainbow Dash a crash course in basic tank operation. Jack, in the meantime, used her SCV to set up a shooting range full of dummy structures, all different shapes and sizes. When they were finished, Dash took control of the vehicle and piloted it to the edge of the base without difficulty.
Twilight’s voice boomed through a loudspeaker. “Clear down range!”
Dash threw a switch, and the tank’s main turret retracted under a sheath and swiveled in place. A much longer canon with a wide, slit-shaped barrel extended in its place. Dash braced her front hooves against the twin throttles and swiveled the cannon around, pointing it down range. She mashed the trigger button.
A massive plume of white-hot flame blasted out of the mouth of the canon, and the entire vehicle rocked under the incredible recoil. A splash of fire consumed several dummy targets at once, sending chunks of seared shrapnel flying in every direction. The turret turned, slightly, and proceeded to obliterate each of the other targets in turn: tiny mushroom clouds of superheated, incandescent hydrogen spattered the ground. Within a matter of seconds, the firing range was nothing more than a field of charred craters.
Rainbow Dash frowned intently. “Huh.”
Jack opened the rear cabin door, grinning. “Wooo-ee! Can’t wait for them Rhynadons to show their ugly mugs around here again! Whaddya think? Wanna go huntin’?”
Dash blinked a few times. “What?”
Jack walked over and leaned against the back of her seat. “The Rhynadons. Do you wanna go launch an attack or something?”
Twilight Sparkle walked in behind her. “The Arclite’s weapons are specifically designed for use against large, heavily armored targets. It should be especially effective against Rhynadons.”
“You can drive it,” said Jack. “It is your tank, after all. Sound like fun?”
“Right, that.” Dash undid her harness and stood up. “You two go ahead. I gotta... yeah. S’cuse me.”
Jack and Twilight watched her walk out of the back of the tank. They turned to each other, worried.
 
 
Rainbow Dash sat in the command center’s central chair and stared at the holographic map that covered the massive domed ceiling. She had her front legs folded behind her head and her hind hooves resting on a nearby monitor.
A voice echoed over the main speakers. “Commander?”
She lifted a hoof and scratched her nose, sniffing slightly.
“Commander Dash? You there?”
“Right. Sorry. What?”
“This is Jack. Me and the Prof are fixin’ to do a few more repairs on the downed science vessel. We’ll probably be gone for a few hours.”
“S’cool,” Dash responded.
“So, do you want to come with us?”
“Nah.”
“You’ll give us a move order, right? Cause the Buzzard and the SCV won’t activate without the commander’s permission.”
Dash tapped a few buttons.  “It’s cool. I’ll send you the codes and you can do whatever.”
“Wait. You’re letting me do stuff on my own? Seriously?”
“Well, it’s repair work. You know more about it than I do. It’ll take forever if I have to tell you to do every little thing.”
“You’re... absolutely certain? You really won’t mind if I’m in charge of things?”
Dash stretched her leg slightly and settled back in her chair.
“...Commander?”
“Don’t worry about it. I can always change the codes tomorrow.”
“If y’say so. Jack out.”
Dash stared up at the map. A fly buzzed over her head and eventually landed on her ear. After awhile, she twitched her ear and the fly buzzed away.
Huh.
 
 
Rainbow Dash strolled down one of the command center’s numerous corridors, paying no attention to the various signs and room-numbers. She stared at the floor the entire time, frowning intently.
Alarms blared over the loudspeakers and flashing red lights cast spinning shadows across every surface. A calm, robotic voice came over the intercom, talking about biohazard this and containment breach that. The sound of shearing metal echoed off the walls, and a heavily armored door twisted apart in front of her: a massive deluge of translucent slime poured into the hallway. Its surface rippled and flexed, and tendrils stretched out of it and grasped at the air randomly.
The tidal wave of goo surged towards Dash and swept her along, engulfing her entirely. The goo dampened all sound to a muted roar. Dash floated in place, her posture unchanged, and ignored the brightly colored blobs and spheres hovering around her randomly. Bubbles dribbled up from her nostril.
Huh.
A shrill, supersonic concussion pierced the liquid like a needle: the liquid lost all surface tension and splashed to the floor with the viscosity of ordinary water. Dash landed on her back, her legs still stuck in an upright posture.
“All right, who let the science out?” Twilight Sparkle walked over and peered down at her. “Commander!? I’m so sorry about this!”
Dash looked up at her. “Sorry, what?”
Twilight’s horn glowed. An aura of psionic energy levitated Dash off the floor and set her back on her hooves. “This is all my fault. I’ve been working on an upgrade for my amoeba launcher: it’s been acting funny lately, but I never thought it would break through the containment door.”
Jack marched towards them, slogging through the shiny, ankle deep layer of slime. “What in tarnation!? This better not be some kinda new-fangled biohazard!”
“No-no-no, not at all,” Twilight said, “it’s completely harmless... once it’s been neutralized by an appropriate sonic frequency. I’ll have it cleaned up in no time, and I promise it won’t happen again.”
“Well I should hope so.” Jack eyed Rainbow Dash, still covered in shiny, clear gel. “You, uh... might wanna get a shower or something.”
Dash’s eyes focused for a moment. “A shower? Why?”
“Just... go on. Get yourself cleaned up.”
Dash nodded, and walked down the corridor.
 
 
Rainbow Dash stood in her shower stall, under a continuous stream of hot water. Steam filled the air and obscured the glass doors. The drain was clogged with gelatinous goo mixed with long strands of brightly colored hair: the water was up to her knees and pouring over the edge of the tub, flooding into the nearby kitchenette and dining room.
Dash stared at the wall. Her brow furrowed slightly, and she turned to a nearby bottle of shampoo. She lifted a hoof and opened her mouth to speak, but hesitated at the last moment.
Huh.
She stepped out of the shower without turning the water off and stumbled straight to bed. She laid on the mattress, soaking wet, and stared at the ceiling.
 
 
The next morning, Rainbow Dash, Jack and Twilight Sparkle shuffled into the cafeteria and assembled their breakfasts from the vending machines along the counter: salads, bottles of juice, pretzels and snacks. They carried their trays to the same table and sat down together.
“So,” Jack said through a mouthful of crunchy granola, “Anypony wanna explain why we’re outta hot water?”
Twilight shrugged. “I could check the desalination plant, if you like.”
“I’m worried there might be something wrong with our pastry depot... I wouldn’t wanna run out of vital supplies in the middle of a battle.”
“Could always build a second one,” said Twilight. “You don’t really need it, but it’s good to have backups in case one gets blow’d up.”
Jack pointed at her with a spoon. “Good idea. Personally, I’d rather get started on one of those engineering bays you were talking about before... Tanks are nice, but we’re hurtin’ for anti-air.”
Twilight held up a datapad. “I have the schematics for a couple different missile turrets. We haven’t settled on which one is best. Maybe we could go over them together?”
“Actually that sounds like a decision the commander should make, since she’s the strategic genius and all.” She turned to Dash. “I could still give you my opinion, if you want. Whaddya say?”
Dash leaned on one hoof and stirred her mashed potatoes. “Just a thought,” she said, “but I bet if you crafted a Colossus's focusing lenses out of the Khaydarin crystals found in the Vray-Sakur mountain range of the sixth moon of the planet Ga’atar Uum-Nojar, you could probably extend the maximum range of the thermal lance by at least fifty percent.”
Jack set her utensils down. “What.”
“Yeah. Those particular crystals are especially attuned to thermal energy, so they’d be perfect for it.” Dash waved her spoon in the air and rolled her eyes. “Of course, the fanatical Crystal Ponies of the lost Sokar Ja’an tribe revere ’em as sacred above all other artifacts left behind by the ancient Cel’Luna progenitors... I guess you’d have to wipe ’em out first, but they’re total jerk-face stupid-heads anyways. Nopony’s gonna lose any sleep over them.”
Jack stared at her, blankly. “What the sam-hill is a Colossus?”
Rainbow Dash’s chewing slowed, and her eyes focused. “I... don’t... know!”
Twilight Sparkle gasped and put a hoof to her mouth. “My missing vesp-apple cider! You used it, didn’t you!?”
Dash’s eyes darted to each side. “I dunno what you’re talking about!”
Twilight shot out of her seat and slammed her hooves on the table. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done!? That stuff is dangerous! You have be a specially trained scientist to use it properly!”
“W-well so what? Ever since she got here, you two have been doing all sorts of crazy science stuff! All I wanted was to invent one little thing, and you wouldn’t even let me try!”
“Because this is what happens!” shouted Jack. “You just invented something we can’t even use! You don’t have the slightest clue what it’s even for, do you?”
Dash looked away, nervously. “Maybe I do! Did you ever think of that, even for a second?”
“Then go ahead and tell us,” said Jack. “What the heck is it, and what does it do?”
“It’s... a focusing... doohickey. For extending... thermal... stuff. Dang it!” A drop of sweat trickled down Dash’s brow. “Look, maybe I haven’t worked out every single tiny little detail yet! So sue me!”
“Sue you!?” Twilight said, “vesp-apple cider is a top-priority military resource! You could be stripped of your command for stealing it!”
Dash pointed at Twilight. “You can’t do that!”
“I assure you, I have the authority! We have to figure out—”
Dash slammed a hoof on the table. “Oh yeah!? Well I’d like to see you try!”
Twilight tapped a button on her datapad. Her voice was frigid. “Command center, revoke all strategic privileges from Commander Rainbow Dash and reduce her to civilian status until further notice.”
“Acknowledged,” said the calm, robotic voice.
“Wha...? Buh...!”
“Civilian!?” said Jack. “But then who’s in charge of this here base? What if we get attacked!?”
“I’ll assume control of the outpost. It’s a temporary measure.” Twilight stood up, ignoring the rest of her breakfast. “I need to report this to Strategic High Command immediately. Excuse me.”
They watched her leave the cafeteria. Dash stared off into space, slack jawed. Her pupils were tiny.
Jack gave her a firm pat on the shoulder. “Listen, Dash... I’ll sort this out. You got mah word. Just try not to do anything too hasty until then, okay?” She bolted across the cafeteria and out the exit.
Rainbow Dash sat by herself, alone.