Twilight Sparkle and Her Friends Play Age of Empires II

by swirlstar


Feudal Age

Chapter 3 – Feudal Age

~ Ioannes I “Twilight Sparkle” Tzimiskes ~

“Feu-dal!” the alicorn announced triumphantly, joyful tambourines heralding a new age for the Basileia Rhomaion. “Now just to build a market and blacksmith, and then on to Castle… ”

Whatever further designs Her Highness had in mind faded abruptly into the ether, as she caught sight of a group of Viking villagers hunting boar.

Her boar.

“What the hay - Pinkie!” the purple pony exclaimed, urgently signaling out the offending units. “That’s my boar you’re hunting!”

“Oh hi Twilight!” Pinkie Pie happily directed her hunters towards the enraged animal, with another ten pouring out of the fog-of-war. “You see, I was thinking that we’ve been allies since the start of this game, but I haven’t done any alliance-y things at all! So I’m sending my hunters over to hunt the terrible and fearsome animals lurking around your town, so your villagers don’t have to get hurt when they gather food from them! Aren’t we, like, the bestest team ever?”

If the party pony was expecting thanks, she was to be sorely mistaken.

Argh! Stop!” Twilight scolded, her right eye devolving into its characteristic twitch. “This isn’t the time for hunting boar! You’re ruining my entire plan- ”

“And now the fearsome, evil pig is dead!” Pinkie gloated, oblivious to the steam spewing from her lavender ally. “You can now gather the food safely, Twilight – thanks to your super-duper helpful ally, Pinkie Pie!”

“But I don’t need- “ The exasperated Princess clenched her jaw shut, trying darned hard to remain cordial with her pink friend. Calm down, Twilight; calm down! You were going to hunt that boar anyway; you can always make up lost time!

The alicorn ended her self-consolation with a sigh. “Thanks, Pinkie, I guess,” the alicorn muttered, grudgingly tasking villagers towards the dead animal. “You can go back now...”

The party pony had other ideas. “Oh I knew you would appreciate, Twilight! I’ll go on ahead and prepare more boar for you!”

Mental restraints snapped. “W-what?” The purple alicorn spun around, head spinning in horror. “No. No- !

Too late. Another boar lay dead before the mighty bows of the Viking hunters. “Another victory for Twilight and Team!” Pinkie Pie chirped gleefully as Twilight pour yet another torrent of primal anguish onto her screen. “Ooh, deer! I’m sure Twilight will let us hunt a few of them for our work, Vikings!”

Molten lava throbbed past the purple pony’s veins. “What are you doing, Pinkie!” Twilight screamed, desperately dragging walls and palisades around her base in an attempt to contain this crazy red plague. “Stop! Stop! You don’t even have a place to store the food!”

“Oh, no problem, Twilight!” the pink mare answered. “I’ll be building one soon!”

Twilight’s ears flopped down so hard that they were pushing themselves into her temples. “Don’t tell me… you’re going to build a M-mill?

“Oh no!” Her ally shook her head, a cheesy grin on her face. “Even better!”

“Even better?” Her Highness repeated, dread building up within her. But where else can you store food in this game-

“PINKIE!” Twilight Sparkle howled in an agony that would depress Konstantinos XI himself.

*

~ Applejack ~

Applejack silently observed Twilight’s travails from the other end of the table, a sort of guilty schadenfreude in her heart. Celestia knows how many times the cowpony had had to silently suffer through Pinkie Pie as an ‘ally’.

Speaking of unhelpful allies… the orange pony needed to inform Rainbow Dash of her latest achievement.

SAA_IS_BETTER: Im at Feudal

The response was both quick and predictable.

WONDRBOLTS_RULE: give me ur stuff

The farm pony frowned as she read the message, seething, feeling distinctly taken for granted. At least Pinkie or Twi’ would have asked.

Yet for better or for worse, Rainbow Dash was her ally: and so with a sigh, Applejack began the necessary preparations. Build market... research Coinage... research Cartography…

The fog-of-war surrounding the allied base lifted with that last piece of technology. Applejack quickly scanned over the Hunnic town, noting down what the pegasus seemed to require and also whether-

Wait.

SAA_IS_BETTER: are those UR units on other side of map?!

The country mare hastily took her gaze off the minimap and scrolled up towards Pinkie Pie’s town. Sure enough, the Viking Town Center was under attack, twenty or so of Rainbow Dash’s militia swinging away at the flimsy structure with their clubs – personally, an act that Applejack could not understand. Surely a good buck could've brought the whole thing down already?

Still no response from the prismatic pony. Why - does that pony think I'm invisible or somethin'?

“Rainbow!” the cowpony hissed, stomach tying itself into ever-smaller knots.

That got the weathermare’s attention. “Huh? What?”

“Just what are you doin’ in Pinkie’s town?” the orange mare responded, signaling out the problem area. “And how dare you attack the enemy without tellin’ me!”

“Whoa, Applejack, calm down! I’m sure it’s just- “ That characteristic cockiness faded away as the weathermare arrived at the scene, prior expressions replaced with a gormless gawp at the computer screen.

WONDRBOLTS_RULE: oh wow dunno how they got there haha

Applejack’s turn to be dumbstruck. “What do you mean, you don’t know?

“I don’t – I really don’t – I didn’t move them!” the pegasus babbled, flailing around for a plausible explanation. “Maybe it was- ”

Cerise eyes widened. “Ohh… it was you, Applejack! You moved them when you hit my keyboard! Your fault!”

“What the- how is this my fault!” Applejack challenged, cheeks flushing beet-red. “I hit the laptop because you were actin’ like a complete idiot!”

“You want to say that again, cowgirl?” the cyan pegasus shot back, stretching over and striking random keys on Applejack’s machine.

Applejack slapped the weathermare’s hoof away, hurriedly deleting the lines of construction created by Rainbow’s attack. “Get off! And get out of Pinkie’s base, right now!”

“What! You realize she’s the enemy, right?”

“You realize Pinkie’s Town Center can shoot arrows, right?” Applejack retorted. “Them soldiers are gon’ get shot to ribbons before- “

Applejack stopped midway, her eyes refocusing in on the action. Rainbow Dash’s militia were attacking all right, but - no damage? No arrows? No villagers?

“Urgh, fine,” the pegasus conceded, reluctantly withdrawing her forces. “I’ll retreat.”

“No!” The orange pony quickly reversed herself. “Don’t!”

“Huh?” The prismatic mare leered at her ally. “Make up your mind!”

“There’s nopony in Pinkie’s town!” the orange pony shouted, erupting into a flurry of action. “Dash, attack Pinkie’s base with all your units, now!”

“Really?” The pegasus’ ears perked up at the thought of victory, resending her soldiers into the fray. “Aww yeah! Rainbow Dash’s invincible army, coming right up!”

“Here’s the food and gold you need for Feudal!” Applejack continued, pressing out prerequisite amounts. “Get there fast, and we’ll defeat Pinkie before Twilight even realizes what’s happened!”

“Oh yeah!” Rainbow Dash stretched out her hoof, the arguments of the previous few minutes wholly forgotten. “AJ, we are so winning this!”

Applejack high-hoofed her pegasus ally. “Twilight best be quakin’ in her golden horseshoes 'round about now!”

The orange pony glanced Twilightward, hoping to catch a glimpse of Her Highness’ dismay. Instead, she found herself staring at a soundproof lavender bubble, both of her opponents engaged in a lively conversation beneath its shimmering cover. And judging from the alicorn’s distended jaw and windmilling forelegs, Applejack was pretty sure it was a very lively conversation indeed.

And the orange pony smiled at the scene. Finally – after all these games – a win.

*

~ Pinkie Pie ~

There was a disturbance in Asgard – or at least in what passed for Asgard these days. Eerie shouts and screams ringing throughout the skies, fading in and out of existence as if from another dimension. Were they perhaps the echoes of Ragnarok, dying sounds of Odin’s struggle against the terrible Surtr?

Not that it mattered much to mere mortals.

“Watch out for wolves, men.” Asmund motioned to his plucky band of Vikings, the slain boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur still draped around his shoulders. “No protection once we go past the Greek walls.” And perhaps even before that, seeing as they were never happier to see our backs.

His fellow Norsemen grunted their approval. “About time.”

“The journey back will be long and hard,” Asmund mumbled pensively, turning his head towards the bleak sky. “But at least we’re going home.”

Something else was on the Viking’s mind, however.

Doubts were creeping back into Asmund’s mind. Contrary to what PINKIE had said, the Boar of Hallormsstaðaskógur was no more dangerous than a normal boar; and the ‘treacherous’ Deer of Myrkviðr similarly no more cunning than a typical stag. So what was the point behind hunting these distant animals? Was the new god of the Norsemen, Asgard forbid, a coward?

“Asmund!” As if on cue, a VOICE thundered out from the heavens.

Shunting niggling thoughts to one side, the bearded villager knelt before the new God of the Norse. “Hail to PINKIE, Lady of the- ”

“No time, Asmund! Build a Town Center near Mikligarður, the Town Center of our Greek ally. And do it fast!”

“As you wish, O PINKIE.” The Norseman turned to his fellow villagers. “Anybody here know how to build a Town Center?”

Silence.

“Nobody?”

“Umm… well… ” A shaky hand from Harald: poor fellow was nearly mauled to death by three wolves pouncing on him at once. “I know how to build a house and a Mill – I guess we could fashion a Town Center out of that.”

I know how to build houses and Mills too, Harald,” Asmund spat. “I was asking if you knew how to build a Town Center.”

“Well… no, then.”

Typical. “We have no idea how to build a Town Center, O PINKIE.”

“Oh, do I have to do everything myself!” the VOICE commented half-irritably. “Look! It’s just a question of pressing ‘Delete’... and there! Now think again.”

Asmund was again left in the dark as to what PINKIE was talking about, but there must have been good reasons. So he lowered his head and thought once more – and to his great surprise, his mind was suddenly filled with a wondrous vision of a wooden, thatched structure, much grander than the temporary tents the Norsemen had previously set up. Truly something worthy of Valhalla itself!

And there was only one being to thank here. “Hail, O PINKIE!” the villager prostrated fervently, awed once more by the divine power.

“I said fast, Asmund!” PINKIE repeated impatiently. “Twilight’s mane is getting real messy now!”

“Your will be done, O PINKIE!”

Asmund swiftly exhorted the group of scraggly hunters before him. “Northmen! The great PINKIE has commanded us to build a new Town Center here: for from this place we shall establish an empire, the likes Midgard has never seen before!”

Only a humorless silence received him.

“But why?” villager Bjorn whined. “I liked our old town!”

Asmund sighed. “Because- “ He stopped, frowned, then turned skyward. “Actually, why are we settling here, O PINKIE?”

“A terrible scourge from the South!” the VOICE thundered, lightning parting the dark skies above. “Queen Rainbow Dash of the Huns, evil seed that sprang from the dread Attila – she drives after us, black heart intent on destroying everything that is Viking! Already she has sacked our old town – and soon she will come after you, too!”

A shocked silence. The Norse homeland… gone?

“Umm… see!” the bearded Norseman addressed his congregation, now engaged in much weeping and gnashing of teeth. “Had we not left our town as PINKIE instructed us to, we would have all become slaves under the yoke of the evil Huns!”

Bjorn wasn’t convinced. “But surely if we had stayed behind, we could all have hidden within the Town Center- “

Then without even the slightest warning, the whiny villager, normally in full health, suddenly vomited blood and dropped dead.

“Do not question PINKIE!” the heavens rumbled.

The survivors of this terrible omen quickly abandoned their prior lamentations and begged for their lives, trembling mightily before this sign of divine omnipotence. “Spare us, PINKIE, the greatest of all the Norse Gods!”

“Nothing will happen if you do what I say!” PINKIE rumbled, forest pines shaking before the almighty VOICE. “And what I say is build a Town Center now! Quick! Twilight’s now threatening to shoot me with mangonels!”

Twilight?” Asmund raised an eyebrow. This was the second time that PINKIE had mentioned this being, and both times very much in fear of it. Perhaps the Vikings should worship this TWILIGHT instead…

“Town Center now, Asmund!” PINKIE warned, marking out a site some ways near where the Vikings were now standing. “Unless you want me to Bjornify you!”

…on the other hand, it’s probably best to stick to the God that has power over life and death. “We shall endeavor to build as quickly as possible, mighty PINKIE!”