Time seemed unmoving in the darkness she found herself in. It was dark and empty, a reflection of how she felt inside. How could I forget doing that to my own mother? What else have I done? I don't want this, I don't want any of this! I- I can't die yet, I just can't. I.. I want to go home. Her eyes filled with tears again, and she cried into her hooves. Her wings covered her face so she would not have to face the darkness, she could pretend it wasn't there. She cried, her warm tears soaking into her fur as she trembled, but even crying was frustrating her. She could sob and wail and moan but every time she felt the urge to take in air to cry, her lungs would not respond. She didn't know how she could even make sound without breathing, though with each cry she found herself trying to gasp for air, only to feel stillness in her chest. She begged to her mind to no one, bargaining for her life. Please just let me go home, let me live. I'm sorry for everything I've done. I was just a filly, I didn't know any better. Please I don't want to die. I don't want this blackness forever.. I don't deserve this.. Please.
“Please just let me go home.” She pleaded to the void, her voice cracking through trying to restrain her tears. Both hoping and fearing that Shield would return.
“Go home to what?” her head shot up and her wings retracted at the sudden new voice. It wasn't Shield, It was a mares voice. She looked around but all she could see was black.
“Where are you! Show your self, I'm not afraid of you!” She swung her head back and forth, darting her eyes, trying desperately to pick up any movement. Her ears swiveled, trying to pick up any hoof beats, but the room stayed silent a moment longer.
“Yes... you are afraid.” Suddenly the room light up with a dull orange light, much like that of a candle flame. Rainbow Dash jumped back in shock as she found herself face to face, only inches away from the source of the voice. It was a unicorn mare, a little taller that Dash herself. She had a white body with a short orange mane and tail. After the shock died down, Dash felt an innate fear of this mare, as she did with Shield, though to a lesser extent. Her hot red eyes felt like they were burning into her as the mare stared expressionless at Dash, who began to shrink under her glare.
“Wh- who are you!” She tried to sound angry or threatening, but the effect fell short as trembled and stuttered through her words. The newcomer stayed quiet for a minute longer, seeming to relish in the discomfort she was putting Dash in. Dash backed up a step, unlike the last room, this one was round, the lack of a corner to hide against made her feel even more scared. The unicorn spoke, her voice was calm but had a hint of anger with every word.
“I am Trauma.”
“T-Trauma?” She repeated shakily, she didn't like the sound of that name.
“Yes, I am Trauma.” Dash could feel that she would not get an answer unless she asked as the unicorn before her showed no signs of giving her even an inch, she wanted Dash to come to her.
“Do you... do you know how I can get home?” She steeled herself again, she felt that the pony who called herself 'Trauma', were an explosion of anger waiting to be set off, even by the slightest remark, but the explosion didn't come.
“You want to go home? To what?” She repeated her question with a hint of impatience. At first she didn't know how to respond to a question like that. The first thought that came to mind was, 'Everything' but she felt that that was not the answer the mare was looking for.
“To my friends, my home, Ponyville..” If she felt the urge to hold her breath as Trauma's gaze seared her, but she remembered quickly that she couldn't breath. For a moment, her hot eyes seemed to cool and even her expression seemed to soften, though it was short lived.
“Why do you think they would want you back?” That question caught her off guard, it was as though this unicorn was in her head, as though she could read her darkest fears. She felt an overwhelming depression sweep over her. No! You're awesome and you friends love you, there's no way they wouldn't want you back! She gulped, then took a step towards Trauma, with determination in her eyes.
“Why wouldn't they want me back! I'm the coolest, most loyal pony they know!” Her bravado made no change in Trauma's demeanor.
“You don't believe that. Why would your friends care for somepony who has no soul? You're just an empty shell, held together by lies. Lies built on top of traumas you choose to lock away.” Rainbow Dash felt her body heating up, she felt sick and scared. She covered her ears with her hooves. Shutting her eyes tight she gritted her teeth and shook her head.
“Shut up! Shut up! just stop! Please, It's not true, it's not!” Her please were met with the same blank, hot stare as Trauma continued unabated.
“The things you consider to be the truest, most crucial parts of you turn out to be no more than another layer of lies and trauma's.” She could her every nuance of every word despite her trying to block it all out. No, stop this, just stop it. I don't want to hear anymore.. please leave me alone.
“You don't deserve friends.” With that last statement, Rainbow Dash broke. Her eyes were wide open, filled with tears that dripped down her face. She just stared at the unicorn, mouth slightly agape as though she wanted to argue but words fell silent as they reached her mouth. Her lip quivered and her legs felt numb.
“I will show you two traumas from your past that have helped shape the empty vessel that you call 'Rainbow Dash', I will reveal painful truths that you have been keeping from yourself. If you think you can handle the reality of why you are the way you are then follow me.” Without awaiting Dash's response she turned to the wall. A flame ignited in it's center, eating through it, leaving only ash and a void. Dash was still in shock, her mouth was dry and her body was weak and shaking. 'I don't want to see. I can't handle any more! Trauma turned to her, eyes ablaze with anger.
“You could never handle it!” Her voice was hot and full of spite. Suddenly the room erupted in orange as it burst into flames, Dash could feel her flesh starting to burn. She screamed out in pain. However, just as soon as her scream stopped the pain vanished, tentatively she opened her eyes. The room was replaced with the now unsettling familiar blackness. She looked around frantically, making sure the fire was gone. Only herself and Trauma stood in the inky darkness
“I will show you two traumas. One seemingly benign, and one crushing but both shaped you into the walking shell of a pony that you are.”
“Please...” Rainbow Dash asked meekly.
“Please what?” She said, glaring down at her as though she were insignificant. Dash looked down at the floor, eyes shut tight against the dark.
“Please..” She sobbed, trying to hold her fragile state together as best she could. “Please don't show me anymore. I don't want to see anything else I just want to go home. So please, just stop this.”
“No.” Suddenly the blackness transformed, they were in Cloudsdale.
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Despite Dash shutting her eyes as tight as she could the images showed in her mind, there was no escape from the pain she knew she was about to endure so she reluctantly opened her eyes.
“Do you know why you are a tomboy Rainbow Dash? Or why you prefer mares over stallions or why you have an aversion to feminine things?” Rainbow Dash's fear was replaced with confusion. What does that have to do with any big trauma? Fear began to be replaced with her bravado as she made light of the situation.
“What do you mean? Those things are just who I am, It's no big secret or mystery.” Trauma looked away from Dash and to the scene that played before them. She raised a hoof, pointing at a play ground.
“Watch and you shall see.” Dash looked to where Trauma was pointing, and to her surprise she felt a wave of nostalgia. This is the park my dad used to take me to when I was little! I remember this place, I had lots of good times here playing in the dirt, racing, hoof wrestling and hanging with the boys! Dash smiled at the memories, but only for a moment until she saw a small, rainbow maned filly walked into the park.
“Hey Rainbow Dash!” Three other fillies eagerly approached her, smiling brightly. Dash's mane was tied in a ponytail.
“Hey girls, what's up? What are you playing?” Rainbow Dash smiled back at them.
I don't remember those three, weird. Dash thought to herself as she watched the events unfold. The Dash in front of her, the one who was smiling and talking with her friends was a far cry from the one earlier. The one who struck her own mother, whose voice was hoarse with rage.
“We're playing hopscotch. Wanna play with us?”
“What? I would never play such a girly game like that. Why are we even watching this?” Trauma didn't answer, instead she remained silent. Merely gesturing with a movement of her head towards the fillies. Dash knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with her, so she returned her attention to the past.
“Sure, let's go.” She replied, happily trotting off with her friends. Then out of nowhere, a blur of brown crashed into the young Rainbow Dash, the two figures tumbling over each other until they both lay dazed on the ground. It was a brown colt, he was sizably larger than the filly, he was probably about a year older. Tears streamed down her face and she began crying underneath the colt.
“Mommy!... Mom!” The little filly cried out.
Rainbow Dash felt a massive guilt overtake her. How could she cry for her mom after what she did? Dash wanted to shut her eyes again, but she knew she wouldn't be able to escape. It would force it's way into her mind, she had no choice but to watch.
The colt got off of her, he had and angry and scared look on his face as he looked around for any adults who may have seen what happened. Once he knew the coast was clear his demeanor took on a lot more anger.
“Hey, shut it kid! Next time stay out of the way of us big kids. Now go play your dumb girly games and stop that crying.” He began to walk off, the three girls who had been watching came to Dash's aide.
“That boy was such a bully!” One girl said the others nodding in agreement.
“Don't listen to him Dash, he's just a dumb boy.” One of the girls extended her hoof to help Dash get up.
Dash watched with a feeling of fear as the next moments seemed to happen in slow motion.
“I don't need help from a little girl!” Dash slapped her hoof away and got up on her own, then spun around to pursue the boy who had knocked her over.
“Why did she do that! That girl was just trying to help?” Finally Trauma looked from the events and to Rainbow Dash, her face contorted in anger. Dash shrunk back, bringing her wings up slightly so they obscured her face. A rather childish pose for a pegasus.
“Rainbow Dash do you still not understand!? There is no “she” or “I”, it is you, that is you we are watching. You cannot simply absolve yourself by treating your past as though it were someone else!”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash called to the boy, who stopped and looked and looked at her with disdain.
“What do you want, cry baby?!” Dash glared at him. The look in her eyes, it was the trade mark confidence that Rainbow Dash wore from that day on.
“I'm not a cry baby and I don't play little girl games! I wanna play with you guys!”
Dash now felt equal parts guilt and disappointment. What are you doing kid? You're... I'm the element of loyalty, how could you... how could you betray your friends like that?
The boy returned her confidence with a sly grin. “Okay, if you think you can play with us boys then you have to prove it. I'll let you play with us if you can beat me in a hoof wrestle!” His declaration got the attention of the other boys who began to circle around the spectacle.
“You're on!” The group made their way to a small table. Taking their places and putting their elbows on the tabled they glared each other down. They locked hooves, and then...
“Start!”
“Thunk!” A moment later Dash's hoof went down, slamming against the table. She looked at the ground in embarrassment as the boys burst out laughing.
“Nice try for a girl but you should go back to your hopscotch with your crybaby friends!” They again laughed, tears welled up in Dash's eyes as she ran off.
“Rainbow Dash! What happened were those boys picking on you? I knew it was a bad idea to go..”
“Shut up!” Dash yelled at the filly. She reared up on her hind legs and lashed out at the filly, knocking her over and scraping her knee in the process. She sobbed, clutching her hurt knee, looking up at a furious Dash, who was huffing in anger over her.
“I don't need you or your stupid games! Leave me alone!” With those words she ran out of the park. Her rage had scared away the other two fillies, leaving the one Dash hurt all alone.
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Everything faded to black, leaving Rainbow Dash in shock and disbelief. No, I don't remember doing that. I wouldn't take my problems out on somepony like that.. I'm not like that. I'm... loyal. Trauma turned to face Dash.
“After that day you were traumatized forever, it changed the way you looked at yourself and the way you wanted to be. You blamed your loss not on your own weakness, no not on yourself because you couldn't handle that. Instead you blamed it on your friends and on your gender. From that day on you began getting into more fights at school, you drove the other fillies away because you didn't want to be weak, but not just because of that, but also because you didn't think you deserved friends after what you did to that girl in the park. You devoted your time to racing and getting into fights. You cut your hair and put on a facade of bravado, because you didn't know how you were supposed to act. That is why you are to this day the way you are, you aren't a tomboy by nature but because you lied to yourself so strongly you lost who you were before. As Shield said, you have been broken for a long time Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash stared in silence, her mind raced trying to cope with what she had just witnessed. I.. I'm not a tomboy. Do I even like mares, or is that a lie? What about racing with AJ or the fun times I had in flight camp. Was any of that real? If not then.. wh- who am I!?
“Don't breakdown yet Rainbow Dash, you still have one more trauma to witness. Rainbow Dash, why do you fly?” Dash's eyes became wide, she felt fear, anger, anxiety and depression she couldn't take it any longer. She grabbed onto the unicorn's shoulders and weakly shook her, her body was trembling and her eyes were red a puffy from her tears she looked deep into the fiery eyes of Trauma, trying desperately to elicit compassion from her. She tried to open up her soul to the unicorn.
“Please.. please anything but that. It can't be a lie, not my love of flying. It can't be. Please, don't take it away from me! I- it's who I am. It's all that I have left.. please I'm begging you don't take that away from me..” Burying her face into Trauma's fur she wept, sobbing uncontrollably. I can't, I can't lose my passion for flying it's all that I have left after all of this.. I.. I really don't have a soul if I lose my passion, it just can't be a lie.. please. “Please, no more...”
“You really don't have a soul. It's pathetic.” Her body became hot, it burned, Dash had to let go. As soon as she did Trauma stared at her, expressionless for a moment, then she slammed her hoof into Rainbow Dash's face knocking her down. Dash landed on her flank, her face and jaw stinging and burning. She looked up at Trauma who stood over her in much the same way she had done to that little filly.
“You would cling to a lie, begging for it with all your heart but you can't. If all you have left for a soul is a lie then you really don't have a soul left do you? You are heartless, clinging to a delusion and you put yourself in. No, you must watch now as your lie's come to light. I can not feel bad for you, it would be like feeling bad for a rock for throwing it. Now, face the truth.”
******************************************************************
Air rushed around her ears, blasting the tears off the fillies face. She could felt an incredible pain in her heart. She flew, and flew until she left Cloudsdale, even after that, she kept flying.
“Why is she crying? Why do I feel so much heartache from her?” Dash was still laying on the floor, though she felt every gust and cloud as though she were the one flying. The pain in her mouth from being hit was already gone.
“I'm afraid even I don't know that Rainbow Dash. This is all I have of this memory. The two of you buried the rest so deep that only he can now reach it. This however, was a trauma that marked the end of your true soul, anything left after that slowly died away. Or rather, you slowly killed it. Rainbow Dash, the reason you fly is to escape from your pain. To give him a chance to lock it all away while your heart turns a blind eye. You're so called passion is in reality, a tool you use so you don't have to feel anything. It's the method by which you destroyed your heart!” Suddenly, the scene changed, though she was still flying, she wasn't watching herself as a filly.
She flapped her powerful wings, gaining altitude and speed. She was already going fast, but the mares eyes were dull and seemed to be off in some far off place in the distance.
“That's me... that's from recently.” She watched herself perform tricks and dangerous maneuvers. Suddenly she felt a sharp pain radiating her body. Unlike the previous times, things didn't slowly fade away, instead all went dark instantly, leaving the two standing alone.
“That was today Rainbow Dash.” She said calmly.
“W-what happened to me?” She collapsed on the floor, her entire body going numb with shock.
“I don't know.” Without looking up from the floor that she pressed herself flat against, hoping to get a cooling sensation that never came, she whispered the next question.
“Am I dead..” Trauma looked down at her with eyes full of malevolence.
“I don't know, but I doesn't matter. You died a long time ago.” Her image began to slowly fade away leaving Dash in the bleak darkness, alone again, with one final thought to her.
“You can't out fly guilt Rainbow Dash, and you can't bury trauma....” Her last words echoed as she vanished completely. Rainbow Dash truly felt alone and empty.
I'm not who I think I am. I don't love flying? I'm not strong? Who am I then? What do I have left!? She again curled up in a ball of anguish, only now the pain in her heart was beyond tears. She let the crushing depression sweep over her. She wanted to sleep, to drift off.
“Who am I? Who is Rainbow Dash?” she whispered to the void, before closing her eyes.