//------------------------------//
// Over a Barrel 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	The train to Appleoosa was running on time for the first time in a long time.  Time was important to us time-minded travelers, and timely travels that got us to our destination on time saved money.  As we all know, money is time.
The reason for the more reliable train was because the engineers had decided to consult yours truly on their steam engine problem.  For the past few weeks, the train crew had had to pull the thing themselves because of a problem with the engine’s boiler.  After a quick fix, the train was running again.  Also, they let me drive.
We were all going to Appleoosa to help Applejack transport a tree to her relatives.  I was up for a vacation, although I wished that I could have gotten the airship finished in time so we could have taken that instead.
As the train rumbled on, I hobnobbed with the engine crew.  A stallion named Iron Horse was the lead engineer.
“Thanks to you, we’ll be right on schedule.  We shouldn’t even have to deal with those silly buffalo.”
“Who?”
“Oh, the buffalo that live out here think they have some claim to this country.  They’ve been protesting the orchards that the settlers have been planting.  We heard that they might try to stop this train because we’re carrying an apple tree.”
“Were they here first?”
“Well, yes.  I guess they were.”  We rode in silence for a while.  I glanced out the side of the train.
“Hey, what’s that dust cloud out there?”
“That’s got to be them.”  Iron Horse grinned.  “There’s no chance that they’ll catch us now.”  He cranked on some more steam pressure and the train began to move faster.
The herd of buffalo seemed to be on a collision course with the train, but apparently they hadn’t been expecting the train to be in working order and fell behind.  I leaned out of the cab of the engine, looking back.
The train hit a rough rail joint, and I lost my grip.  Luckily, I fell away from the tracks and I didn’t get run over.  Unluckily, I didn’t hear the train’s brakes coming on.  They weren’t stopping.
I sat up and rubbed my head.  I hadn’t been hurt, just a little stunned.  I realized that I was sitting in the middle of a circle of buffalo.
“Oh, hey,” I said.  “I don’t think they’re coming back for me.  Can you tell me how to get to Appleoosa?”
“You’re not going anywhere,” said one of them.
“Uh…I’m sorry, I don’t really understand.”
“You’re a hostage now.”
“Oh no, that’s not how this works.  I’m going to use my smooth talking and quick wits to just get out of captivity, so why don’t you just make things easier and tell me which way to go?”
I got kicked in the back of the head and woke up in their camp a while later.  A little buffalo was watching me.
“What in the world am I doing here?”
“The settler ponies have overtaken the land and have planted an orchard all over it!  Because of their thoughtlessness, we can no longer run over our traditional stampeding grounds.  We have tried negotiation, but they will not listen.  Now we have a bargaining chip.  You.”
“Well that sucks.”
“You should meet Chief Thunderhooves.  Get up.”
I stood from where I had woken up.  I was a little shaky from the pain in my head.  The thought that I might actually be a pony prisoner of terrorist buffalo was too ridiculous to be anything but a dream.  I must just have a headache.
The Chief basically said what the little buffalo had said, but more complicatedly.  Was that a word, complicatedly?  I wished I had spell-check for speech.  I nodded when it felt appropriate, and let the Chief finish.
“The problem,” I said when he let me speak, “is that I’m not from Appleoosa, have no opinion about the stupid trees, and am not well-liked enough to be a valuable hostage.  You’d be better off with some other pony.”
The Chief shrugged.  “We’ll deal with that when we come to it.  We’ve sent an envoy to the town.  Soon, we will know.”
I may have been a bit nearsighted, but I thought I saw a rainbow-colored flash far out on the landscape.  Without alerting the buffalo, I surreptitiously watched the skyline.  Shortly, I saw a pink flash.
Okay, so Rainbow and Pinkie were probably out there.  I had to convince them that I was in trouble so maybe a rescue effort would be mounted.
For a while, I played the part of victim.  I didn’t do anything willingly, and occasionally the buffalo would give me a nudge to get me moving.  I hoped it looked bad enough that Rainbow and Pinkie would go get some help.
Of course, I should have known not to count on those two.  They, too, were captured after not very long.
“I told you that you were going to blow my cover,” said Rainbow.
“But look at all these new friends we have to party with!” said Pinkie.
“They’re not friendly,” I informed her.  “And now they have three hostages.”
Rainbow suddenly shot into the air.  “I’ll go get help, ponies!  They can’t catch me!”  She zoomed away.
“Some Element of Loyalty,” I grumbled.
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Pinkie.  “I’m sure she’ll bring the whole town.  Then we can have a great party!”
“If you think so.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan,” she whispered, winking at me.  “How long has it been since we’ve been intimate?” she asked loudly.
“Uh, I thought you weren’t into stallions—”
“Shut up and kiss me, you fool.”  She planted her lips on mine.  She tasted like stale chocolate.
The little buffalo turned away.  “Gross.  Get a room.”
“Kind of hard when you’re out here,” said Pinkie.
“Go behind that rock.  Just make it quick.”
Pinkie and I dashed away and then kept going.  It was almost too easy.  “Pinkie,” I said, “That was great thinking, but I really don’t want to do that again.”
Her eyes widened.  “Wait, you aren’t into mares?”
Good thing I have an orange coat so she didn’t see me blush.  “No!  I mean yes!  Wait, I’m not into mares or stallions.  I’m into human women.  What I meant to say was that I don’t want to kiss a pony of any gender.  No offense.”
“None taken!” she sang.  “Come on, let’s get to Appleoosa.”
When we showed up in town, all the ponies were gearing up for a rescue mission.  Rainbow had come through for us, even though it turned out that we had freed ourselves.  I decided to take her and Pinkie off their probationary “no-murder” status to a more permanant "definitely-no-murder" one.  They had earned it.
After hearing both sides of the story, Twilight made a little speech to the townsponies.  “Look everypony, both you and the buffalo have good reasons to use this land. There must be something we can do.”
Pinkie put on a little song and dance that was mostly unheard by everyone else.  I’m not even sure which side she was endorsing.
“The buffalo envoy said that they would start their stampede at noon tomorrow,” announced the Sherriff of Appleoosa.  “We have until then to come to some kind of agreement with them.”  There was a general murmur in the crowd.  None of them seemed to know what to do.
“They’d better be ready, because we will be!” shouted one of them.
“Yeah!  We’ll fight!”
“That wasn't the message of my song at all,” said Pinkie, dissapointed.
Applejack sighed.  “Ah want my kin to have what they need to live, but a storm's a-brewin' here and ah don't like the look of it.”
“The train’s ready to go,” I pointed out.  “The engineer ponies didn’t pull it here so they don’t need to rest before a return trip.”
“We can’t leave with this conflict going on,” said Twilight.
“Think about it.  A couple of us were hostages.  Our presence here will only breed anger.”
“I guess you’re right.  We’ll leave it to the more experienced ponies to negotiate.”
I rode back to Ponyville in the coach this time.  No way was I going to take the chance of falling off again.

I walked towards the Ponyville market a couple of days later.  I saw a newspaper lying forgotten on the ground.  The headline read APPLEOOSA MASSACRE.
Just then, Applejack came along.  I covered up the headline with a hoof.
“Howdy Valiant.  What’s that you’ve got there?”
“Just a newspaper.”  The bit of headline that was showing read APPLEOOSA MASS-RE
Applejack cocked her head.  “What’s that mean?”
“Oh, RE is short for ‘relationship evolution’.  The buffalo and the ponies took their relationship to the next level.  There was a ‘mass’ive amount of participation.”
“Well, I’m mighty glad to hear that.  I’ll have to write to cousin Braeburn and congratulate him.”  She walked off with a smile.
I sighed.  As the Element of Honesty, Applejack should have been able to spot a lie.  Good thing that I was technically telling the truth.  The ponies and buffalo had taken things to a new level, all right.  A level down.
I threw the newspaper in a trash can and went on my way, humming a little tune.