“Now, David,” Discord said, looking over the signature carefully. “How—”
“It really talked,” David said in awe, looking back at the little pony. It stared at him angrily, making a “scrunchy” face.
“I’m a deceiver, not a liar,” Discord laughed. “Now, David, have a seat.”
David turned to see a large mahogany table had materialized in the center of the room, with an expensive arm chair at either end. Discord sat in the one furthest from David. The strange salesman began laying out papers across the table. After a moment, he looked up to see David still had not taken his seat.
“Well, come now! We still have some work to do!” Discord shouted from across the table. David cautiously took his seat and set Diamond Tiara on the floor next to him.
“Where did—”
“Hold your questions until the end, please!” Discord said, interrupting David. “I have to ask you some of my own. Firstly, are you clear as to our terms and agreements?”
David saw the scroll with his signature sitting atop the pile of documents Discord had lain out. “Uh, can you give me a summary?” he asked nervously, struggling to swallow the lump in his throat.
“Oh, it simply states that this pony is now your property and responsibility. If anyone or anything from this world or another comes seeking it, it is your duty to ensure its safety. In no way am I to be held responsible for circumstances brought unto you.”
“Anyone or anything? This world or another? My God, are these alien ponies?” David asked, looking around the room. It would certainly explain their coloration and ability to talk.
“No, no!” Discord said, trying to ease his client’s mind. “They’re completely normal equines! They were raised less than five minutes from here!”
There weren’t any farms five minutes from Manhattan as far as David knew, but the thought of aliens made even less sense than an inner-city talking pony farm. “Okay, okay, but what other business do we have?” David asked impatiently. “I’d like to get home soon.”
“There’s no need to be in a hurry, Davey-Boy,” Discord said slyly, his yellow eyes gleaming out of his sunken sockets. “Tell me, what do you plan to do with the pony until Christmas?”
David looked down at the angry pony by his feet. She was sitting on her haunches with her front legs crossed across her chest like she was a pouting child. Hell, she even acts like Tiffany.
“You weren’t going to just keep her in the closet were you?” Discord asked with a look of disapproval.
“I, uh, hadn’t really thought of that,” David said, scratching his head. The pony looked up at him and quickly away.
“Oh, but you want little Tiffany to be surprised on Christmas morning don’t you? You see, for a marginal fee, I can play the role of jolly old Saint Knickerlass, I mean, Nicholas!” Discord corrected himself before David could question anything. His head ducked beneath the table and when he came back up, he had a Santa hat on. His yellow eyes and “fang” were extremely offsetting, and David was worried the man may scare Tiffany…and Kristin for that matter.
“Can’t I just…come pick her up on Christmas morning?” David asked.
“No, no, no,” Discord said, shaking his head. “I’m trying to make room for new stock, and quite simply won’t have the room for Fluffy until then.”
“Diamond Tiara!” the pony shouted from beneath the table. “My name is Diamond Tiara! How hard is that? Are you completely—”
Discord shook his head and smiled. “She’s charming, isn’t she?” he asked. “So, Davey, what’ll it be?”
David scratched his head and looked around at the cages lining the room. Every last pony was watching their transaction. Their big, colorful eyes stared, unblinking into his very soul. “How much is your Santa service?” he asked at last.
“Two hundred dollars is my standard fee, or 146 Euros if you prefer. 21,000 Yen, 122 Pounds—the choice is yours!” Discord reached into his blazer and removed several currencies from around the world, waiting to make change if need be.
“That’s outrageous!” David exclaimed.
“Says the man who just got a free pony,” Discord said, lowering his eyebrows and folding his hands. “Tell me, how much do you think I usually sell these ponies for? And what do you think it costs me to get them here?”
It had never occurred to David to think of that. “How much do you usually sell them for?” he asked.
“A lot,” Discord said flatly. “So if all I make today is twenty bits, it’s better than nothing.”
What kind of currency are bits? Must be Middle Eastern. I bet Discord is an Arabic name or something, David thought to himself. He slowly reached into his wallet and fished out ten $20 bills. It was probably the same amount it would have cost for a really good toy pony at the toy store anyway.
“Well, I really don’t have a choice,” David said, thumbing through the bills. Discord smiled and slid a scroll across the table. This time David read through it before putting his name. It was typical stuff (not responsible for damaged property, disgruntled neighbors, etc.) so David signed his name and passed it back with the $200.
“Excellent, now you may ask me whatever you have on your mind,” Discord said, double-checking both the signature and the money.
“Okay, first off, where did you get all these ponies?” David asked.
“We’re from Equestria!”
David looked behind him and saw it was the orange pony with wings that had spoken. “Equestria?” he repeated.
“Shut up, blank-flank!” Diamond Tiara shouted.
The two little ponies went back and forth for a moment, and David had a hard time understanding them. They spoke of Equestria, and Celestia, and other names he was unfamiliar with. The whole while, Discord just sat and smiled.
“What are they talking about?” David asked once the ponies settled down.
“Just petty pony things,” Discord replied, twirling his cane around. “Do you have anything else for me? I’d like to wrap this up so I may be on my way.”
“Uhh,” David hesitated. “What do they eat?”
“Apples, hay, cupcakes—you know, typical pony foods.”
“Cupcakes?”
“They like their sugar,” Discord said with a smile. He got up and walked over to David, bending down to look into Diamond Tiara’s cage. “You can ask your pony any question, really. I’d be careful of this one though…she’s a bit of a liar.”
He bopped his finger gently off her nose and she snapped at it with her teeth. “When my daddy finds out about this, you’re gonna be in big trouble, Discord!” the pony shouted in a shrill voice. Discord laughed and picked up the cage, sending the pony off-balance. She slammed into the bars and began whimpering, but not crying.
“I’m going to take good care of Fluffy here until Christmas,” Discord said, placing a “sold” tag onto the pony’s cage. “So don’t you worry about a thing!”
With the sale completed, and documents in hand, David thought he was finally free to go. He went to stand up, but had the head of Discord’s cane pressed against his chest. Its jeweled eyes looked up at David and reflected his face on each of its polished edges.
“A few thing before you go,” Discord said, sliding his cane off of David’s chest. “There are no returns. There are no refunds. For better or for worse, this pony is yours now…Merry Christmas.”
As Discord spoke the holiday greeting, he tapped his cane against David’s head. David’s eyes flew open and he nearly fell off his bar stool. He looked around, and found himself back at Mike’s bar. There were about seven empty glasses sitting on the bar where he sat and Mike came to take them away.
“Now that your nap’s over, I need you to get going,” Mike said, placing the glasses into a gray bin. He picked up a crisp $100 bill and tossed it under the till in his cash register.
David looked around at the dark bar, the only light coming from the fluorescent beer clocks, mirrors, and other memorabilia. He staggered to his feet and felt something squish under his boot. It was a wedge of lime. He looked back to the bar and saw two empty glasses set apart from his seven.
Wait, was that real? He reached into his pocket and felt around till his hand closed on a small rectangular piece of paper. “DISCORD” was written across it in gold lettering, and David knew it hadn’t been his imagination.
As David stepped out into the street, he drew in a breath of fresh air, and tried to clear his mind. Okay, so I essentially just bought a colorful talking pink pony for $200 from a yellow-eyed stranger. Now I have no idea where the stranger or the pony even is, and he has promised me Christmas Morning delivery. Seriously, how stupid am—
The streets of New York were never really “empty”, but there were infinitely less people out at two in the morning. Of course, that didn’t mean people paid any more attention to their surroundings. David had his thoughts interrupted when a hurried woman bumped into him. He was much larger than the woman, and she bounced right off of his chest. She dropped the box she was carrying and started panicking.
“I’m so sorry,” David apologized, picking up the box and trying to hand it to her. Whatever was in the box shifted its weight and began moving around furiously. He could hear a muffled voice coming from within, but when he tried to put his ear up to listen, the woman snatched the box from him.
“Be more careful next time!” she shouted, pointing her nose into the air and walking away. Typical New York broad. So high and mighty with her pearl necklace, designer handbag, fur coats, yada yada yada. But what was in the box? He thought he’d heard a small cry for help. No. It was late. It was his imagination.
After stumbling through the un-shoveled sidewalk for a quarter mile, David finally reached his apartment building. He kicked off his boots and trudged up the stairs to the third floor. The door had been locked, and he rummaged through his coat pocket for his keys; certain to make sure the business card was still there.
Inside the apartment was dark, and he carefully closed the door behind him. Tiffany had crawled up in bed with Kristin, leaving David no room in his own bed. He didn’t care. After the night he’d had, he was happy just to be home.
He tossed and turned on the couch until he found a comfortable position. After an hour, his vision began to blur and he let sleep wash over him. In the morning, he’d let Tiffany know Santa was bringing her a surprise.
It’d be just as much of a surprise to him if the pony actually appeared under the tree. Maybe he’d go out and buy a stuffed one as a back-up plan. Better safe than sorry.
David was awoken by his daughter jumping excitedly onto his legs. He blinked rapidly, trying to focus his vision on the blurred child long enough to stop her. “Tiffany, easy on Daddy!” he said, bringing his daughter in for a hug.
“Did you get my pony?” she asked into his ear.
He smiled at her and said, “I had a good, long talk with Santa last night, and he says if you’re good, he’ll bring you one.”
The little girl’s face lit up and she bolted off the couch and into the kitchen. “Mommy! Daddy says Santa’s bringing me a pony!”
Kristin poked her head out of the kitchen and smiled at her husband. “Is that why you were gone all night? Did you walk all the way to the North Pole just so our daughter could get a pony?”
“Actually, I met him at a bar. Turns out he really likes gin and tonic,” David replied. He stretched his arms over his head and listened to the cracks and pops from his over-worked body. The smell of pancakes wafted from the kitchen, and he turned to see Kristin walking out with a plate of them.
“Is Santa going to have room in his sleigh for a pony?” Kristin asked, setting the pancakes on the table.
“Uh, he’s magic, of course he will,” David replied matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, he’s magic!” Tiffany chimed in.
Kristin sat down and dug her fork into her pancakes. She was still under the impression David had simply spent the night at the bar. And she was mostly right. But she had no idea he’d actually put a pony on layaway. “Oh, David,” she said, waving her fork at her husband. “I’m taking Tiffany to my mother’s house today, so if there’s anything you still need to buy, you can do it while we’re out.”
He knew she was talking about a pony-like toy. “I think I’ll just start cleaning up around here. Gotta make room for that pony,” he said, taking a sip of coffee.
“Good idea,” Kristin said with a wink. Tiffany noticed nothing odd in their exchange and began squirming in her chair.
“I wanna go see Grandma!” Tiffany said impatiently.
“Alright, give Mommy a minute,” Kristin replied, hurriedly eating her pancakes.
David looked to his daughter and whispered sternly, “Be good today, or Santa won’t bring you your pony.”
“Yes, Daddy, I promise I’ll be good.”
“Good girl.”
After the ladies had cleared out of the house, David began pacing around impatiently. It was only the 23rd, and he was struggling to keep his composure. He was certain he’d met a man at the bar named Discord, and he was certain that man had sold him a talking pony. That man had a whole palette of colorful, talking ponies, locked up in a warehouse somewhere. There was absolutely nothing wrong, crazy, or sinister about it. Right?
“No, they’re just…genetically modified, that’s it!” David said, trying to rationalize. “I mean, science has come along way! I bet there’s something in the news about it!”
David grabbed the remote to his TV and pushed the power button. As if the broadcast had been waiting for him to tune in, a group of news anchors appeared on the screen, watching a colorful pony walk around their desk.
“Now, this is the must have toy of the season,” one of the male anchors said, “It typically retails for $500, but trust me when I say, it’s worth the money.”
The pony had near-fluid movements as it approached one of the female anchors. The woman reached out to pet the pony, and it responded by tilting its head. “I love you!” the pony exclaimed in a girlish voice.
“Now, the amazing part about these toys is they will actually learn and grow with your child,” the female anchor said, picking up the pony. “They can remember almost anything you tell them, and recall those facts when asked.”
“Oh, ask it what its name is!” a fat member of the news crew suggested.
“Little pony, what’s your name?” the female anchor asked.
“My name is Fluffy!” the toy responded.
The news anchors laughed together. “See, we gave it that name before the show, and now it only responds to Fluffy.”
“Hah! That’s it!” David shouted at the TV. Discord was just selling these toys, and put them in cages for show. And now David knew he wasn’t crazy.
“Uh, buyers beware though,” one of the anchors on the TV said, “We’ve gotten reports of people selling counterfeits. While they may look and act like the real ones, it’s advised you only buy from a licensed retailer.”
“Yes, it’s been reported people have paid as much as one thousand dollars for these imitations, but prices are typically around $200.”
David watched the screen until an Enzyte commercial replaced the news team. He wasn’t focusing on the picture; he was focused on his anger. He’d known he was getting conned. It just surprised him how good the con man had been. Maybe, if he could find that warehouse, he could get his money back, and go buy a real one.
“Good morning, David.”
David whipped around to see Discord standing in his living room. He hadn’t heard the door open or close after Kristin had left, and he looked to his uninvited guest with surprise. “Discord? What—how—where?” David stammered, failing to form a complete question.
“Easy, my friend,” Discord said, wrapping his arm around David’s shoulder. “You left in such a hurry last night that I never got your address. Can’t deliver a gift if I don’t know where I’m going!”
David shook out of Discord’s embrace and looked at him angrily. “You’re selling counterfeits, and I want my money back!”
Discord looked hurt at the accusation. “Where on this chaotic earth did you get an idea like that?”