Following initial negative reactions, I tried a few different things and bounced all my ideas off a few friends. None of them liked it, so due to less than enthusiastic responses and eventual lack of interest, this attempt has been cancelled. Comes with the burden of being highly creative, I suppose. I can only pick up the pieces, use the constructive criticism I received for future writings, and try again.
Thanks for all your support and honesty!
Lunabrony