** Your failure was foretold in the stars, knave **
Not many of Ponyville's residents knew that the Smarty Pants Incident had never actually ended.
Certainly, Twilight Sparkle was not terribly keen on announcing the fact that, before her friends had burst into the library to beg Princess Celestia not to take her away, Celestia had already decided on a different punishment, one which would remind Twilight Sparkle always of the need to exercise her magic with care and discretion.
Only Twilight Sparkle knew that, when Celestia dispelled the enchantment on her doll and wiped the spell's effects from the minds of everypony around, she had left it intact on Big Macintosh alone. When Twilight had complained about this, and accused the Sun Princess of hypocrisy in using magic to warp ponies' minds, Celestia replied that she always thought Big Mac could use a little variety in his life of farm labor, and that having something else to occupy his thoughts would be good for him.
That night, Twilight Sparkle stealthily made her way into Sweet Apple Acres, and stole her doll back from right out of Big Mac's sleeping embrace. She returned to Golden Oaks Library and went to sleep clutching Smarty Pants tightly, for the first time in years.
When she woke up the next morning, Smarty Pants was gone and the library floor had large, muddy hoofprints leading from a disassembled window frame up to Twilight's room and back, as well as a lingering smell of apples.
Since then, there had been a constantly escalating war being fought behind the scenes of Ponyville, as both sides erected new defenses and sought new weapons to slip through the enemy's lines to capture the prize. Smarty Pants had been claimed and reclaimed over fifty times in the year and a half before Twilight Sparkle's coronation. The last time Twilight seized her doll, taking the occasion to make the first display of her full Alicorn power, she truly believed that was the end of it.
She was wrong.
“I want to make a wager,” Twilight said, her eyes locked on the big red stallion.
“Oh?” he replied simply, shuffling his deck expertly with his hooves.
“This match, right here, right now. Winner takes Smarty Pants, for good. No more stealing, no more tricks, no more sneaking around.” No more spending half my royal research stipend on home defense and home invasion spell ingredients, I’m sure the bursar’s office is beginning to suspect something, she silently finished.
Big Mac’s eyes narrowed. “Why should Ah trust you?”
“What, the word of a Princess isn’t good enough for you?” She feigned shock, poorly. Big Mac was unmoved. Twilight looked around the room at the milling crowd of ponies waiting for the next set of matches. “Oh! Princess Celestia!” Twilight waved at Celestia, who seemed to be carefully checking her appearance in a small mirror, levitated in a green aura. “Princess Celestia! Princess Celestia!”
The royal guard nudged the Princess, who after a second of glancing around, seemed to suddenly realize she was being hailed, and approached. "I hear you, Twinight. For what purpose do you claim my time?" she demanded.
“I'm terribly sorry, Princess, this will just take a second. And Zecora, if you would come too please,” Twilight said, and the zebra approached with a smile. “With my mentors as my witnesses, I give my word that I, Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, will give up my claim on Smarty Pants, for good, if I lose this match. Will you swear the same?”
“Eeyup,” Big Mac said, smiling beneath too-cunning eyes.
“But why should I trust you?” Twilight asked sharply.
“Hrm. Hey Appleja—” Big Mac began, before remembering that she had run off. “Apple Bl— Nope..." He looked around the room, searching for a suitable pair of witnesses.
–
** The Pillage of Meletis. **
"That treacherous little minx..." Sunny muttered under her breath as she glared daggers at the group two tables over. “After everything I’ve given her, she doesn’t even recognize me…”
“Forgive me for inquiring, but was that not precisely our intent in adopting these deceptive ‘guises of dis’ before we made our entrance to this establishment?” Moonrise asked as she struggled to wipe the soot from her face. “And honestly, dear cousin, was that conflagration really necessary? The smell of charred hair has not ceased to be utterly abhorrent in my absence.”
Sunny huffed at her, and turned away. “I have nothing more to say to you until you apologize. Mother taught you to share, you know!”
Moonrise stared at her blankly. “I fear the matter of your discourse eludes me, dearest cousin. It is time for me to locate my next match. Good luck against your next opponent, oh beloved Sunny Skies.”
“Fine,” Sunny snapped, refusing to face her sister, who sighed and trotted away. “Hmpf,” Sunny muttered to herself. “I pity whoever is my next opponent. I feel like obliterating somepony.”
“You’re Sunny Skies?” Her next opponent plopped down on the chair opposite her. “I’m Spike.”
Sunny grinned, her teeth glinting in the light.
–
Twilight smiled wickedly to herself as she watched Big Mac amble around the game store searching for witnesses. He has no idea. She mentally went over the plan for the fortieth time that morning. Thank Celestia I found that conditional time-loop spell. This is perfect. We both agree to abide by the result of the match, but unless he loses, time will rewind to the beginning of the match and I try again, now prepared for what he will throw at me. No,conscience, that absolutely isn't cheating. Since we're still playing the same match, technically I'm not violating the terms of the bet. He doesn't stand a chance, and once I win he'll give her up forever! No Apple would ever welch on a bet. She squealed in anticipation.
"Alright, then," Big Mac drawled when he returned to the table. "With Vinyl Scratch—”
“Yo!”
“—and Derpy Hooves as mah witnesses—”
“Hi!” The blonde Pegasus waved excitedly to everyone.
“Ah accept Twilight Sparkle’s terms, that the winner of this match gets Smarty.”
"Agreed," Twilight said. Their eyes locked together in steely resolve, daring the other to blink first.
"Well," Big Mac said, "Ah suppose we should get started."
"Indeed," Twilight said coldly. A second passed before they both moved to sit down at their table.
"The great and powerful Trixie has this match against Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight jumped from the sudden shout immediately behind her. From nowhere, Trixie swept in and sat down in the chair opposite her, shoving Big Mac out of the way.
Trixie smiled innocently as everypony there looked at her.
"Trixie," an exasperated Twilight said, "I already played against you. This match is between me and Big Macintosh."
"Trixie has the official match list right here, and it says Trixie will now play against Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has a new deck of unstoppable power which is sure to win!" Trixie held up a sheet of paper with her magic.
"We looked at the official match list not five minutes ago, and it said it was me against him," Twilight said.
"Trixie does not claim to understand the vagaries of the match list," the unicorn said dismissively. "Fate works in mysterious ways. But Trixie insists on playing this match against Twilight Sparkle. Large Macintosh is listed to play against somepony named Silver Spoon. He should go off to do so."
"Let me see that," Twilight snatched the paper from Trixie's grip. "This actually says 'Large Macintosh'. You know that's not his name?"
"Is it not? How peculiar."
–
** The Strength of the Phalanx **
“I don’t believe this,” Gilda muttered. “I learn to play this stupid loser game just because Rainbow Dash plays it. I even get a penpal here under a fake name just so I’ll know when there’s a big game going on, and I come all the way from frigging Mosclaw to this dweebsville to finally get even with Rainbow Dash for dumping me, and she isn’t even here!”
“That’s right!” Pinkie replied with a huge smile on her face. “Actually Rainbow Dash is in love with Fluttershy, so she not only dumped you, she hooked up with a pony that’s as opposite from you as is possible! Except you both have wings, but Fluttershy almost never flies if she doesn’t have to, so that still counts.”
"Gee, thanks," Gilda growled. "I almost didn't get that part."
"You're welcome!" Pinkie said, giggling. “So, I cast Act of Treason on your Feathermane Avenger, and attack you with her and two Diamond Dog Cadets, so Feathermane Avenger's Battalion triggers and hits you. Do you block the Cadets?”
Gilda looked like she was about to snap, her talons scraping down the back of her cards. “I don't block,” Gilda muttered through her clenched beak, and wrote down the damage. “I'm not giving you my Tauric, Blade of the Flock as well. My turn?” Pinkie nodded. Gilda took back her Avenger and drew a card. “Griffin Guide on Tauric, him and my Avenger attack for seven damage. Next turn you're dead, dweeb! Go.”
Pinkie smiled, nodded, and drew a card. “Okay, I cast Confusion in the Ranks, and then I cast a crocodile for you to play with while I hang out with your Avenger some more.”
Gilda let loose a mighty roar that turned to weak sobbing as her breath ran out. “Stop stealing all my friends!”
–
** No Honor Among Thieves **
"Bow before your Princess, subject!" Celestia bellowed. "Your Princess demands your adoration! She demands that you play this game against her with much powerful love!"
"Hi, Chrys," Moonrise said. "How's it going?"
"Oh, hey Moonie, I’m okay." Celestia blinked. "Moonie!" She leapt across the table and snatched the alicorn-unicorn in a hug. "Wait, you saw right through my disguise?"
"Well, duh! I only taught you that disguise myself when we were roommates!"
“Gah!” Celestia facehoofed. “Of course! I totally forgot.”
"So whatcha doing here? The Hive plays Magic now?"
"Not quite," Celestia said. "The drones do not possess the mental faculties required for games of strategy. But I am investigating alternate sources of sustenance, and I understand this card game is much loved. Also I required a vacation, and they tell me Ponyville is adequately pleasant in this season. The villagers are comporting themselves with tolerable decorum. In fact our first opponent desired to attach herself to our royal entourage. I accepted her submission and have already initiated her into my service."
–
** We Feed Upon The Roots Of The World. **
Big Mac didn't get out from the farm much. Sure, he would occasionally work the apple stand on market day, and get decent sales as Ponyville's available mares flocked around him, but really it was Applejack who was the salespony in the family, and Big Mac preferred to keep to himself. As a result, he didn't know everypony in town, and the little filly sitting across the table was a mystery to him. She matched the description Big Mac had heard of the second of the two bullies who were always teasing his baby sister and her friends, but from what he'd heard of her behavior...
Maybe this was just how she acted when she wasn't around her friend, the little pink filly that Big Mac had seen Applejack going after earlier. "Ready?"
"All shall become one with the Swarm," the silver-colored filly said, her words reverberating with the sound of a thousand voices. "The hive hungers."
"Eeyup..."
–
** The Drums of War **
"Your forces in a shameful state, I eviscerate and emasculate," Zecora said, grinning, as she laid waste to everything the unicorn threw at her. "To see your broken battalion, I wish you were a stallion."
"A stallion?" Vinyl Scratch said, leaning forward eagerly to catch each word. "Why?"
"Had you a stallion's physical state, as I ravage your armies oh so great, the pounding I give to your prostate would at least give some pleasure in your fate."
Vinyl Scratch fell over backwards as she erupted into hysterical laughter. "This is so awesome!" she cried. "You need to come over to my place and record a rap album! This is bucking gold!"
–
Spike was going to have nightmares about this.
"So, I attack you, and when I deal damage I gain life, and when I gain life I draw cards, and since Medomare hits you I get to take an extra turn after this one, and now my life total is at... 85, and yours is...?"
"Two," Spike said, his voice cracking.
"I could kill you right now, of course," Sunny said, her voice sultry and vicious. Spike shivered at the sound, feeling violated. "You're completely defenseless before me, broken and exhausted, all your dragonfire used up... but where's the fun in that?"
"Please..." Spike begged, curling up in his chair. "Make it stop... Just let me die."
"Oh, very well then, since you beg," Sunny said, and tapped all her creatures. "Seven flying warriors attack for a total of twenty-six damage." Spike looked up cautiously, hoping his suffering was finally over. "Oh, but wait! There is one other thing..." Sunny tapped six lands and one artifact. "I use my Soul Conduit. We switch life totals. I guess you're not dead after all. So!" She looked over the battlefield. "I deal twenty-six damage, gain as much life, draw seven cards, and now I have 28 total, and you have a very respectable 59... You can take plenty more punishment before this ends, believe me."
"Why are you doing this to me?" Spike sobbed. "Why won't you just let me concede?"
"Because you still haven't suffered enough!"
–
"I'll be honest..." Twilight began, "I actually cannot believe you fell for that."
Trixie would have nodded, but she was lying with her face flat on the table in abject disgust at her own recent action.
"I mean, for starters I thought for sure you would have taken the time to actually read the card and see what it does, rather than just take my word that it was the most incredibly powerful artifact ever printed."
Trixie twisted her head so she was resting on her chin and contorted her eyes to focus on the card, getting a headache as she did so. Irrelevant. Trixie the greatly moronic does not deserve to use magic or avoid headaches.
The Paper Tiger stared back at her.
"And the fact that you didn't notice how I dug the card out of my binder and put it on top of my deck in the middle of the match, even though you're a practised stage magician and should have been able to see through my crude sleight of hoof from a mile away."
"You would think so," Trixie muttered. "Apparently you would be wrong."
"But really, the bit where you actually traded it for your Alicorn Monument..." Twilight rubbed her chin, puzzled. "Why would you even have Boots of Chaos in your deck in the first place?"
"I thought maybe I would go up against something more powerful and... Look, it doesn't matter. The Great and Sorrowful Trixie is going to go sit alone someplace and think about how she sunk so low, okay?"
“Well, alright,” Twilight said as her self-declared rival slowly walked away, her head hanging low.
–
It was the middle of the night and Rainbow Dash lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes, breathing in gasps and sputters. The AC unit in their room was busted, and the air was stifling, as thick and heavy as syrup in Dash's lungs. She felt like she was dying. She had been lying like this for hours, unable to sleep, unable to do anything but slowly suffocate in Fluttershy's sleeping grip.
Dash tossed her head back and forth, trying to get into a position where Fluttershy's mane wasn't blocking her muzzle and making it even harder to breathe. This was made more difficult by the fact that all four of Fluttershy's legs were wrapped tightly around her in an immovable death-cuddle, her head resting on Dash's chest.
This is what you get for trying to be nice, Miriam, Dash thought to herself. You said you'd be with Flutters 'til death do you part, and here you are already fulfilling your promise. She tried to draw a deep breath, and felt her ribs complain as they were pressed between her inflating lungs, and Fluttershy's unyielding embrace. I'm starting to think maybe this wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had after all.
Dash turned her head to glance down at Fluttershy, and couldn't help but give a weak smile at the look of utter peaceful bliss on the yellow pegasus's face. Funny. I don't think I've ever seen her be happier than she's been on this trip. It's like being with me was secretly her biggest dream all along.
Dash let that thought sit in her head for a minute. I guess I've really messed this up, huh. Well, tomorrow I'll come clean and try to fix this... and in the meantime... this'll be my self-imposed punishment for messing with my friend's feelings. Dash sighed, her nose twitching as strands of Fluttershy's mane brushed against it. At least she smells nice... huh... she really does smell nice, actually. Must be some kinda fancy spa shampoo. I'll have to ask her about that... in the morning...
And then Dash passed out from heat stroke.