Lyra's Human 2: Derpy's Human

by pjabrony


83: Derp Clean Only

Derpy landed in Karyn’s room.

“How do you do it?” asked Karyn.

“What? What’d I do?” Derpy searched all around herself for something she had missed, or if she had paper stuck to her hoof, or anything else.

“How do you make it in this cold without any discomfort?”

“Is it cold? I didn’t notice.”

Karyn bundled herself in her sweater and went to the window. Opening it a crack, she beckoned Derpy over. “Feel that? That’s cold.”

Derpy did indeed stick her hoof through, but then shook her head. “That’s not cold,” she said. “That’s winter.”

“Yeah, winter because it’s cold.”

“It’s cold, but winter is a separate thing altogether. You can’t feel it?”

Karyn looked askance. “What do you mean, feel it?”

“If you take a breath, there’s a crystalized snowy feeling to it. You want to go outside and experience it?”

“I could experience it in here. I don’t want to ask Gayle about the heat since she’s charging me so little. Plus she’ll probably ask me why I don’t just use some heating spell.”

Derpy reached for her bag. “You want a heating spell?”

“You have one? I didn’t even think of that.”

“Here you go.”

Karyn activated the spell itself, and it did work like a space heater. But she realized that unlike a space heater it took up no power and had no chance of accidentally starting a fire.

“Thank you very much. I might want more of these. I’ll stick one under a blanket and be extra warm.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll see if I can get another or up the intensity on that one.”

Karyn held the spell close to her and thought about pulling off her sweater, but then left it on. “Well, so that’s done. Now I should finish cleaning up the apartment.”

“Actually, I was going to compliment you on how well it looked. I think you’ve put in a good effort.”

“I did put in a good effort, but more to cover things up than to actually make it right. I know the way you get so I didn’t want you to go apoplectic when you came in. Now you can brace yourself.”

She walked over to the closet and put her hand on the knob. Even Derpy noticed how difficult the turning was, as if something was putting pressure from the other side. Squinting, she watched as Karyn finished turning the knob and opened the door.

A mountain of rumpled clothes poured out of the closet, with Karyn standing to one side to avoid being buried up to her knees. Within, the pile reached back to a laundry basket that had been stuffed to the point of strain. She stepped aside, a pant leg and a stocking coming with her.

“…Eight, nine, ten,” said Derpy. “All right, now I guess we can talk about getting this organized. See if you can get the basket out of there. Then take your bedsheet off.”

“But if I put that in with the dirty clothes—“

“Please.”

Karyn slipped out the sheet from the hastily made cover. “The fitted sheet too?”

Derpy trotted over and sniffed it. “This can stay. But remake the bed so it looks nice.”

“Wouldn’t have dreamed of leaving it like that.” Karyn’s tone said otherwise, but Derpy let that pass.

Meanwhile, she had spread out the top sheet and was depositing the rest of the clothes on top of it. Somehow, in the course of doing this, she had managed to arrange the pile with the darker clothes at the bottom.

“Now, let’s get these washed.”

“That’s the problem.”

“What problem?”

Karyn tied up the sheet to make a pouch for the clothes. “The reason I cleaned up the apartment so nicely was because I knew I had all these clothes, but the reason I had the clothes is that last Saturday there were ‘out-of-order’ signs on both of the washing machines in the laundry room.”

“There’s only two?”

“Right.”

Derpy leered. “Then just switch them around. I’m not good at math but even I know that there are only two orders you can put two washing machines in.”

“No, Derpy. It’s means they’re broken.”

“I didn’t notice any pile of clothes last week.”

“I do own enough clothes that I don’t have to do laundry every week,” said Karyn. “But while the machines do break sometimes, or are just in use so I can’t wash mine on the schedule I like, I’ve never seen them both go down at the same time for two weeks. Even if they fixed them today there’d be a huge rush and I wouldn’t be able to get them done.”

“So were you just going to wear dirty clothes tomorrow?”

“Well, my plan was…” she stepped out of the clothes and flashed the green light of her magic. She was then wearing a fetching sweater and tight jeans. “…to do this until they’re fixed. I don’t like to, but this isn’t my fault.”

Derpy scrunched her nose, but then took a deep breath and spoke with a more calming tone. “I know it’s not your fault, but that doesn’t always mean it’s not your problem. No other person here can use changeling magic, and they all have to deal with it too.”

“I think a lot of the reason I don’t want to use my powers is because I know you feel that way. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“And I appreciate that. Now let’s figure out what we’re going to do.”

Karyn eyed the basket and the pile. “All right. What are we going to do?”

“Well, you know I’m not the most experienced pony. I don’t wear clothes as often as some do. But I know that Rarity washes all the dresses she makes by hoof. Why don’t we get a washtub and a washboard and just do it that way?”

“Hand-wash everything I have? I don’t even know how to do that. Where would we even get a washboard? A washboard today is more likely to be used as a musical instrument in a country band than for actual washing.”

Derpy picked up the clothes and threw them on her back with the instinctive balance that ponies had. “Still, there must be some dressmaker here who knows how to handle clothes. Actually, with this many I’m surprised that they don’t have whole businesses dedicated to washing clothes.”

“Oh, um. They do. They’re called laundromats.”

“Then why didn’t you take your clothes to one?”

Karyn sat down. “OK, you’re just going to have to believe this, but I completely forgot they existed until right now. You see, I’ve always done laundry either at home or here at the college, and I’ve just come to think that every place where people live had their own machine.”

“What about Gayle? Didn’t you think to ask her?”

“I’m still afraid of having to answer the question of why I don’t just magic my clothes clean or just enchant them not to get dirty in the first place. Some time we’re going to have to convince her that I’m not a witch.”

Derpy even eschewed her normal correction, “Or sorceress or enchantress,” but instead hopped onto Karyn’s computer. “I found a laundromat close by.”

“I’m still amazed at how well you handle the internet. You’re probably the best pony at computers.”

“It’s no time for flattery when we have all these clothes to wash. Come on, I’ll carry the sheets, you grab the basket.”

They went out the back, and if Gayle did see the ersatz sack floating along on invisible Derpy’s back, she would only squee with another sight of magic. Karyn put the address that Derpy gave her in the phone, and they were on their way.

Derpy had calmed down somewhat as they drove, and the girls were able to speak in their more friendly tone.

“I know how you are with being clean, and I can understand why, from your perspective,” Karyn was saying. “But everypony isn’t like that. You can respect others who aren’t as neat, right?”

“Yes, but it’s harder with ponies, or humans, who are younger than me. I had to ride Dinky so often that I guess it just got lodged in my brain that if some filly isn’t doing her chores, I’d better step in.”

“The thing of it is, I don’t even think of laundry as a chore.”

Derpy said nothing, but gave a confused grunt.

“No, really. I think it was the first chore that I did voluntarily growing up instead of having to be made to do it. I guess it’s because all I have to do is put it in the machine, turn it on, and then move it to the dryer. They do all the work. I never liked, in contrast, taking out the garbage because I felt like it was all the work. Maybe if I had to take it out to a conveyor belt and that took it the rest of the way, I would have liked it more.”

“I should have tried that with Dinky.”

“And of course, you do get nice clean clothes out of it which saves you trouble when you’re trying to find something to wear and—are we going the right way?” Karyn picked up the phone and looked at the map function. “Derpy, did it say where this laundromat was?”

“I didn’t think it was too far.”

“No, it says we’ll be there in a few minutes, but I’ve never been to this part of town.”

They had crossed over a railroad track and the roads were very different. They had no curbs and only the bare trees and empty lots lined the road. Along the side, broken glass was strewn about along with littered papers, caught in some branch or crack where the wind couldn’t take it away. For a mile or so these were the only sign of civilization, until a traffic light appeared. The GPS had them turn right, and again the neighborhood had a distinctly unfamiliar feel. The strip malls had none of the stores Karyn would have come to expect. There were convenience stores, but no chains of them. Even the gas station was not a national brand.

The phone beeped, indicating that they had arrived. Karyn slowed down and checked that no one was behind them, then eyed the building for parking. It wasn’t pleasant.

The sign did say “Laundromat,” but it gave no indication of being a place of cleanliness. Weeds spread from cracks in the parking lot, and no painted lines gave any indication of where to go. The two cars that were in the front had rust holes and dingy paint jobs, and both looked to be very old. Around the side, a patched and repatched screen door banged against the building.

The building itself had mildew stains on the outside. The sole sign of modernization was a vent on the roof that filtered the scent of dryer lint and fabric softener into the air. It was effective, but architecturally it stuck out like a wart on what would otherwise be a singularly dreary building.

Karyn stepped out of the car and stared. Then she ducked back in to get the laundry basket.

“Are you sure you want to use this place?” asked Derpy. “I can’t believe how run down it is. Nopony would ever let a building go this bad in Equestria. They’d smash it to pieces and rebuild before it did.”

“Yes, but building is easier for you, though how that’s true without hands amazes me. Anyway, let’s get this over with quickly.”

The inside was at least brighter than the outside. Above the door a TV was blaring in Spanish, and one at the other end had a chat show playing, the kind of show Karyn felt good about not watching. A few people were already stationed there, playing on phones or just staring at the TVs. She found the washing machine farthest from any other being used and set her basket near it. All around were wheeled baskets with no way to indicate if they were being used. She decided to be bold and wheel one to the front. A second trip brought in the sheet full of clothing, and now Karyn could turn her attention to the machine itself.

The metal plate riveted to the front gave instructions, but years had worn away the black writing. She muttered to Derpy. “OK, it looks like I’m supposed to put in the clothes, then the money, then the soap. Let’s try that.”

She pulled open the door with the oversized metal handle and shoved in the clothes from the basket. Then she saw the money slot. “Great,” she continued. “They only take coins. The change machine’s in front. I don’t feel good about even pulling out my wallet here. I’m going to get change. If anyone touches my clothes, beat them with your wings or find a spell and turn them into a spider or something.”

Watching all directions at once, she went up to the change machine and slipped in a five-dollar bill, then eagerly grabbed the coins as if she expected everyone to come after her. Once she was back at the washing machine, she slipped in the quarters and heard them clink. “How annoying.”

“Why?” asked Derpy.

“For the machines at school I have a card that I just add money to. I can keep the records without having to account for all these coins.”

“You keep records of how much you put on the card? That’s extraordinary!”

“Thanks, but now I’m getting thrown off. Come on, stupid thing, start.” Karyn thumped at the machine.

“Did you put in the soap?”

“No, that’s right.” She reached for the section where the soap went only to find that it was no more than a plastic cover over the trough. “Hmm. There’s nothing to indicate whether soap is present, so the machine should have started anyway. I still don’t know how to make it go.”

She dispensed a capful of soap from the bottle she brought and tossed it in anyway, then resumed jabbing at the start button. “Maybe you should ask someone for help,” said Derpy.

Karyn looked around. None of the patrons was anyone she would want to accost, but there was a desk at the front where she made her way, still keeping an eye on the machine. There was a “Ring for Service” bell that she used.

The owner was a human equivalent of the building, old and cracked in places where lines shouldn’t go, and weedy hair in scary parts of her body. She said what sounded like, “CanIhelpyou?” in some accent that Karyn couldn’t identify. She decided that formality was the best defense.

“I was trying to use one of your machines, but I seem to be encountering an error.” She gestured toward where the wrapped bundle still sat on the metal table. Without a word the owner plodded down and looked at the machine. At the top were buttons for all the various options—colors, whites, permanent press, etc.—with the “colors” LED lit. The owner poked the button beneath it with a bony finger, and the LED light changed from amber to green. Then she pressed start and the water started flowing.

After she walked away, Derpy asked, “Did you figure it out?”

“Yeah. She didn’t explain, but I was watching. It’s a silly way to do things, though, having the light work that way.”

“Now, when you put in the other load, don’t just shove the sheet in, or everything inside might get tangled.”

Karyn opened the machine next to the one she was using and followed Derpy’s instructions. Now understanding how it worked, she carefully measured out her soap and poured it in. “Ugh,” she whispered. “There’s all sorts of residue here from powdered detergent.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never used powdered detergent, so I guess it weirds me out for being unfamiliar. They don’t advertise it much either. They just try to sell the liquid stuff, which makes it seem less…associated with poverty.”

“I would think that you’d feel smarter for buying the thing that they didn’t advertise because you didn’t buy what they were selling.” Derpy could not, of course, be seen, but Karyn stared at where she was anyway.

“Never mind, let me just get it in. You know, I always wonder about these machines. They have different places to pour soap, bleach, and stain remover, but do they really go to different places or just all get dumped in to the big chamber there?”

Derpy hovered over the machine, but couldn’t see either.

The washers did their job while Karyn and Derpy waited, bored. When they at last dinged, Karyn found an open dryer and tossed the clothes in. “Half way done,” said Derpy.

“Yeah. Actually, maybe more than that. I’ve got to figure out how much time I want on these dryers, because each fifteen minutes costs another quarter. So let’s try a half hour and see if that finishes the clothes.”

Somehow the time seemed to go faster when the clothes were in the dryer, maybe because it was closer to when they could leave, or maybe because the thirty minutes the dryer gave wasn’t actually thirty minutes. But as the displays counted down and the “cooling dry” light turned on, Karyn opened the door and tested with her hand.

“How did it go?”

“These are good machines. My clothes are completely dry.” Karyn checked the other one. “But my sheets are still damp.”

“You could take them out and let them air dry.”

“No, that never works, and with sheets I don’t want them to be any kind of wet. I’ll put them on for another fifteen.”

Derpy poked at the clothes that Karyn had put back in the basket. “That will give you time to fold these.”

“Actually, my plan was to put them on hangers.”

“I don’t think we brought any.”

Karyn checked the clock on the wall. “No, I have them at home.”

“Well, then we need to fold them now so they don’t get wrinkled on the drive.”

“I was really hoping you weren’t going to say that.”

With a heavy sigh, she got to work folding the clothes. She concentrated on the skirts, pants, and shirts and when the dryer beeped that the sheets were done, she still had socks to do, but threw them into the basket.

“Here’s the other advantage,” said Derpy. “Folding them makes them take less space, which means that you don’t need to use the sheets as a bag again.”

Indeed, she was able to carry everything in the basket, albeit with a heaping top instead of flat. She shoved it into the back seat of her car and got on the road.

“I’m glad to have that done and get home.”

“Was it really so bad?”

Karyn drove over the railroad tracks and breathed easier. “I know it’s wrong, and I don’t look down on the kind of people who have to go there week in and week out because they don’t own washing machines, but I am afraid of them. No, not even that. I’m afraid of associating with them, finding out that they’re real people, and that I’m not doing enough for them. And at the same time, I don’t want to be like that. Maybe there are nicer laundromats we could have gone to, but I’m sorry, the people there just unnerve me.”

“I think I know what you mean. It’s hard for me to tell sometimes with humans, but when I looked I could see how they were different. Still, I wish I could be all their friends too.”

“You have a kinder heart than me.”

They rode the rest of the way in silence. When they arrived Gayle was standing outside.


“Hey,” she said, “I never gave you your mail from yesterday. Here you go.”

“Thanks.”

“You went out to do laundry? You should have just asked, I would have let you use my machine.”

Karyn felt a poke from Derpy’s hoof. She nodded. “Thanks, but I didn’t want to impose.”

“No imposition at all. I’m sure that some time there’ll be some cantrip or something I need from you, so we’ll help each other out as friends.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see you around.”

She went inside, Derpy in tow, while she thumbed through her mail. “OK, you were right, I should have asked.”

“She didn’t even mention cleaning spells. You’re paranoid.”

“Maybe so. Hey, it’s a letter from the residence authority at school. They say that the washing machines will be fixed tomorrow. That should give plenty of time for the queue to clear out by the time I get these dirty again.”

With Derpy finally free to go visible, she dashed to Karyn’s closet and grabbed an armful of hangers. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with any other part of this chore, but I’ll do all the hanging.”

“You don’t have to. It’s my chore and my responsibility.”

“I’m the one who made you do it, and I’m the one who found the creepy run-down laundromat. I wanted to help you all the time, but only because everyone was watching…”

Karyn took some hangers herself. “You got me to see a part of town I never have, and one I don’t think about enough. You’ve helped plenty, in more than clothes.”

And together, they finished hanging the laundry before remaking Karyn’s bed.