Celestia woke up on her back, seeing blue. She tried to move, but found that she couldn't.
"Why can't I see?" she called out.
"Oh sorry." A mischevious male voice said as she heard a fingersnap. Her eyes were suddenly clear, and she saw the draconeqqus Discord sitting on her throne.
"What are you doing on my throne!? And what-" she tried to move again, but failed, "-am I covered in!?"
"Oh dear Tia, I've covered you in blueberry jam! Isn't it...delicious?" Discord said in a sing-song tone.
"It is for thine own good," Luna's lilting voice said to the distraught Princess, still struggling.
"Oh don't bother trying to move," Discord intoned musically, "the jam is made out of dark matter! Isn't that a delight?"
"Unhand me this instant! I hate blueberries...how did you know?"
"Oh, the answer isn't obvious? A certain,loonie told me..." Discord said menacingly.
"LUNA!!" Celestia threatened.
"We are sorry, sister. Discord used a...tickle torture to get it out of us." Luna apologized.
"You don't use the royal WE when talking to me! We is me!" Celestia spat out at her clearly worried sister.
"Enough about that, although family bonding is one of my favourite activities," Discord teased sarcastically while rolling his eyes,
"Now, Celestia...would you perhaps, like some fruit?"
"What? What kind of question is that?" Celestia asked exasperatedly.
"Maybe a...banana?" Discord offered as he snapped his fingers, when a paper bag reading Fancymart appeared next to the throne. He tapped his claw lighty along the bag. "You DO like bananas, don't you?"
Celestia licked her lips. She could go for a Fancymart banana, so she replied, "Yes, I would like a banana."
Discord grinned a wicked grin as he reached into the bag, as he said, "So let me get this straight..." And then pulled out a megaphone from the bag, and called out into the megaphone, "You are a...mmm, bitch, that likes bananas?"
"What did you say!?" Celestia tumbled out, flabbergasted.
"I said, you are a beeyitch that likes, mmm, bananas!"
"Hold your tounge, cur!"
"You are a, you are a," Discord repeated as he was holding back severe laughter,"You are a bitch that likes bananas!"
"Silence, scoundrel!"
"You're a bitch that likes bananas! You're a bitch that likes bananas!" Discord chanted into the megaphone. "Well that's good..."
"WHY?"
"Because...because,"Discord wiped a tear away, "You about to go bananas ON THE MOOON-hahahahahah!" Discord lost his composure as he fell on his back and let out a howling laughter, while Princess Luna joined in with her own chortling.
"So this was all, a joke?" Celestia inquired worriedly, "does this mean no banana?"
Discord laughed out, "Just try-trying t-to take you down a peg, dearie. Here's your banana." Discord snapped his fingers, removing the dark matter jam from Celestia, while simultaneously levitating a banana in front of her. She grasped it with her magic and began to peel it.
"Sho," Celestia said with banana in her mouth, "we ah hewre to dithcush the isthue of Sephiroth."
"Thou thinkest we mean Safer." Luna added.
"Safer Sephiroth...sounds like a video game villain to me. All Blam and no pizzaz," Discord spat out. "So what is his grand master plan, dear Tia?"
"Shephiroth needsh to desthroy the planet due to an ancient-" Celestia gulped the banana down, "due to an ancient directive from a being he was cloned from. Its name is Jenova."
"'Tis an evil from another planet whose planetary vampirism is most legendary, wethinks. His drive for malice is most likey a genetic command from this beast." Luna added.
"He fancthies himsthelf a god, and he does cthertainly have the powah to back it upth," Celestia mumbled past the banana, which she gulped down. "Hence why he appears an alicorn in our world." Celestia took another bite of her banana and started chewing again.
"He is an abomination most foul, but most of his unholy power was shunted into the empty dimension thine student most skillfully accessed, mine sister. Dost he dare deceive Twilight Sparkle into ripping open the dimensional prison, we are afraid for him that the pain must be doubled!" Luna demanded while slamming her hoof down.
"Y'see though, Loonie, he has your precious little ponies wrapped around his hoof. How do we pry him away from the dearies long enough to, slay the dragon?" Discord pried annoyingly. The sisters exchanged worried glares.
"You sthee, Dithcord, he can't be dithtroyed in hith current shtathe," Celestia said, munching on her banana.
"And why, pray tell, not?" Asked Discord.
"Because he hath possessed the planet upon which we stand with his own black soul. His fate is tied to the planet he sought to smite." Luna added.
"To desthroy him would be to desthroy all of Equethtria, and then tha beast would thtill win, laughing," Celestia gulped down the last of the banana, "at us from beyond the grave." Celestia turned the banana peel upside down and shook it, seemingly trying to dump out the insides. She frowned, then placed it in the wastebin.
"So, we have a plan, right? Why not just banish him to the moon, then?" Discord asked.
"Well, I suppose we could...you up for it, Luna?" Celestia looked at her sister, who shied away.
"If it must be done, then I suppose it must. But we have not the power without the Elements of Harmony, dearest sister."
"Plus, they're in the tree." Celestia noted.
"And you have to separate him from the six best friends anypony could ever have." Discord added." Problems for another day, Princesses. Best you get some sleep! You have an 'emissary' to entertain..." Discord teased.
"Wilt thou be able to retainest thy temper on the morrow, sister?"
Celestia furrowed her brow. "I don't like it anymore than you do...but for now, I believe I can."
"Ok, it's settled then. Off to sleep with you, Tia! The night is ours, Loonie!" Discord announced while shooing Celestia off to bed, then throwing an arm around Luna.
"Goodnight, Luna. Discord." Celestia said while walking off to her room.
----
"So here're all the Apple Family products," Applejack said to Safer as she showed him into the barn.
"Products? You made yourself out to be simple farmers," Safer said quizzically.
"Well, ya gots ta sell what ya make in order ta stay in business, dont'cha?" Applejack said matter-of-factly. "Most of what we sell is apples by the barrel ta Fancymart up in Canterlot, but you have got ta see our specialty products!" she said as she directed him towards tables littered with all manner of confections.
"All these are made from, apples?" Safer asked.
"Yep! We got apple pie, apple fritters, apple turnovers, apple tarts, apple crepes, caramel apples, chocolate apples-white, milk 'n dark-apple strudel, applesauce, apple donuts, apple cider, apple juice, apple jelly, apple butter, apple jam..."
"I didn't realize you could make so much from apples..." Safer mused.
"We haven't even got in'ta mah favorite..." Applejack said as she pulled a bottle from a crate and tossed it towards Safer, the black glow of his magic catching it midair. He twisted off the cap and sniffed it, recoiling from the acrid smell.
"What is this, apple paint thinner?" He asked warily.
"Nah, silly, it's applejack! Mah favorite!" She said as she pulled out a bottle for herself. "We're gonna drink it in the shed! Wanna join?"
"Um, sure." Safer agreed, "but who is the 'we' that you speak of?"
"Why, you me 'n Big Macintosh, a'course!" Applejack piped up.
"Big Macintosh?"
"Mah brother! He jus' wants ta drink wit' us. Isn't that raight, Big Mac?" as she threw the drink behind Safer. He spun around to see a red stallion catch the bottle in his hoof.
"Eeyup." The red stallion said.
"He's harmless, Safer. Just like a big puppy dog, right?"
"Eeyup." The red stallion repeated.
Applejack fished out a bottle for herself, and said, "Well, what are we waiting fer, let's drink 'til we can't feel feelin's!"
----
Safer sat in the shed with the two smelly beasts as they began to drink in earnest.
"Hoo-wee! This'um's here a strong un, issn't it? Half tha bawtle an' ahm already tipsy!"
"Ee...yup" Big Mac agreed.
"Ok, so you're drunk. What do you do now?" Safer asked.
"Well, um we ausually play dozens, but I'm not sure Big Mac's up to it, what with a visitor here'n'all."
"Nope."
"Ah, c'mon, Big Mac, ya gotsta!"
"Nope."
"Fahn then, ah'll start:
"Mah name's Applejack and this here is mah drink
Which means that I drink it more than ya think
When I need my licker I just give tha trees a buck
After two bushels, I'm ausually in luck
My rhymes are sick just lahk a hart attack
I'm an even better bucker than my brotha Big Mac!"
Big Mac's face grew even redder; Safer didn't think that was possible. Big Mac took a swig out of his bottle and said, "Nope!" then
started:
"Now see here little filly I know what's up
All the ladies come a'callin when I say 'Eeyup!'
I been bucking since before you were small
They should call it 'Big Mac Jack' 'cause I be drinkin' it all
Now maybe once in a while I give a good burn
Like you were caught in Appleoosa with your cousin Braeburn!"
"Say WHAT now!?" Applejack shouted, "I've half a mind ta throw this bawtle at'cha, but I still got licker innit!" Applejack shot daggers with a glance as she chugged her bottle.
"Wait, wait...who is Braeburn?" Safer asked confusedly, taking a nip of his applejack.
"He an' I are cousins-"
"-kissin' cousins-" Big Mac interjected, which led to an empty bottle being flung at him. He dodged handily.
"-sh'up, ahm telling tha story! So Braeburn used ta come to tha farm in the summer, and...we kissed." Applejack said, her face reddening."I didn't mean it ta happen, it jus' happened. We would kiss in the orchard, behaind tha barn, and even in tha shed, drinking applejack. Eventually, Grannysmith caught us. Boy, was she mad. I ain't never seen Braeburn again, until this year in Appleloosa. We talked it over an' decided we was jus' foals bein' foals. There, Mac, ya happy ya embarrased me in front of ahr guest?"
"Eeyup!" Big Mac nodded.
"So, you were just being...foals," Safer comforted Applejack awkwardly, "foals tend to experiment. It doesn't make you a bad pony." Safer patted Applejack on the head.
"Pinkie prawmise ya won't tell mah friends! Please, Mr Safer!" Applejack whined.
"Fine...I Pinkie Promise."
"No, Safer, ya gotta cross yer heart and poke yer eye whaile sayin' "Cross mah heart, hope ta fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye!"
Safer repeated the oath and actions, then said, "Well, as enlightening as this was, Rainbow Dash was going to give me flying pointers. See you all later." Safer said as he got off of his haunches and walked out of the shed.
"Hey, Mac..."
"Eeyup?"
"Wanna hoof-wrassle for his drink?"
"Eeyup!"
----
Rainbow Dash loved to fly. The cool wind flowing through her mane, her eyes tearing up from the speed, her powerful wings flapping through the air...she looked back to see Safer looking back handily keeping up with her.
"Ya sure you need pointers from me?" Rainbow yelled back, "you seem to be keeping up just fine."
"I...wasn't sure of my capabilities after the fall," Safer yelled forward.
"Well, what do you do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Back in your home dimension. What do you do?" Rainbow said, doing a loop-de-loop, "I'm a weather pony. I can clear the sky in ten seconds flat!", punctuating the end of that sentence by karate-kicking a cloud.
"Oh, my job. Well I'm a soldier for a PMC."
"What's that?"
"A soldier?" Safer asked, copying Dash's loop-de-loop.
"Pretty good. No, silly, a PMC. They've got soldiers up in Canterlot. The Royal Guard."
"Well, Dash, a PMC is a private military corporation. You know, soldiers-for-hire."
"...we don't really have that here."
"Come on, there must be some manner of military prowess that isn't government-run."
Dash stopped midair, rubbing her chin with her hoof. "Well, there ARE the Wonderbolts..."
Safer flew up next to her, "Wonderbolts?"
"Yeah. They're pegasus showponies who double as an air brigade, like when Spike got huge and rampaged across Ponyville."
"Interesting." Safer said as he circled around Rainbow Dash, "did you know that I've slain a dragon?"
"Really? How big was it?"
"Oh, it was three times my size, but two swipes from my Masamune and it folded like a house of cards..."
"What's a Masamune?" Dash asked excitedly.
"It's a six foot long katana that only I can wield."
"That's...so...AWESOME!!" Dash squeed.
"PRINCESS CELESTIA HERE FOR THE CETRAN EMISSARY!!" A voice rang out from Ponyville proper.
"That's my ride," Safer said, "Wanna race to the Town Square?"
"You're on!" Dash exclaimed, as they both rushed down to Ponyville.
----
Safer and Rainbow Dash touched down to see the five others ponies bowing to Celestia, upon which Dash bowed down too. Safer, not wishing to draw undue attention, drew himself into a bow as well.
"Rise," Celestia said, and the ponies rose up. The alicorn began to rise as well until Celestia said, "Not you. Stay."and Safer quickly bowed his head back down. He heard her hoofsteps clop determinedly around him. "Sir...Safer, I presume?" she said as if she disliked the taste of it. "Rise, Sir Safer."
Safer picked his head up, and his head shot back in awe. Her coat was a brilliant white, her hair an everflowing interchange of pastel pink, green, and blue, her snout ever so delicately pointed up. He daresay she was, for a pony, beautiful.
"And y-you must be, this, Princess Celestia I've heard nothing but wonderful things about," stealing a smirk when she grimaced at the accent he put upon her name. "What brings you here, on such short notice?"
She frowned at him. "Well, Sir Sefer, I give visits to all foreign dignitaries, and having one from a different dimension would be my delight!" almost growling out that last word. "My friends here in Ponyville have had nothing but nice things to say about you. I would like to confirm these things for myself. Would any of your new friends like to come along?" Celestia queried.
"As a matter of fact, I would like to bring dearest Fluttershy along." At this the ponies murmured.
"M-me? But we hardly even talked." The yellow pony quavered out.
"All the better to get to know you along the way," Safer intoned as he wrapped a wing around her, leading her to the carriage.
"Very well. Fluttershy, I trust you'll be the best of company to our guest," she said authoritatively as the three ponies loaded into the carriage."To Canterlot!" she commanded the pegasi pulling the carriage.
"Canterlot Ho!" The pegasi replied as they took off, leaving Ponyville behind.