//------------------------------// // Fluttershah // Story: Applejack Buys a Flathead Screwdriver // by Dave Storm //------------------------------// After much travail, Applejack and Apple Bloom finally tracked down some flathead screwdrivers and a tap and die. They’d returned to Sweet Apple Acres, and Twilight had parted with them to visit the pharmacy in order to deal with her unusual equine issue. When the two sisters arrived at the barn to resume repairing the apple carts, they were met by a strange sight. Fluttershy was seated in an extremely out-of-place office chair beside the apple carts, flanked by two royal guards. She had a strange-looking badge hastily taped to her chest. “Hi, Applejack,” Fluttershy waved gently. “Fluttershah...” Applejack warily waved back. “Um, Apple Bloom, why don’t you go find your brother in the fields and keep him company for a while,” Fluttershy encouraged. “Okay Miss Fluttershah,” Apple Bloom said, tilting her head in confusion before running off toward the fields. Fluttershy turned toward Applejack. “Applejack, if it’s okay with you, please take a seat.” the royal guards produced another office chair and set it across from Fluttershy. “Alrighty,” Applejack assented, mounting the chair awkwardly. “Oh, good, now, let’s begin.” Fluttershy pulled a quill and clip-board out of her hide pocket, and gave Applejack a wide-eyed stare. “Now, uh, Applejack, how’s Apple Bloom?” she asked. “What now?” Applejack started. Fluttershy maintained the same passive, soul-searching stare. “How’s your sister doing, Applejack?” The farmer southern stetson-wearing stetsony stetson earth pony girl mare filly glared at Fluttershy. “You just saw her, honey, what’re ya askin’ me for?” Fluttershy rotated her office chair, assuming a bemused expression. “Oh, Applejack. You know we all love you...” Applejack smacked her hoof to her face. “Who’s we? It’s just you and I here! Do them guards love me too?” Fluttershy grimaced. “Applejack, dear, watch your temper. Now, I noticed Apple Bloom had an, um, black eye..” Everything suddenly clicked. “Now wait a griffon-spoonin’ minute here, Fluttershah! I ain’t never harmed mah kin!” Applejack yelled, lifting herself up from her chair emphatically. “Code Pink! Code Pink!” Fluttershy squealed, hiding behind her fore-hooves. “She’s out of control! It’s all true!” “Deploying less-than-lethal package!” shouted one of the royal guards. He began inflating a large, red rubber ball. Applejack hopped over to Fluttershy, grabbing her by the shoulders. “Sugarcube, ya know I ain’t the type to raise a hand to a foal. Ain’t we been friends for ages?” Fluttershy kept her eyes closed, trembling in fear. Applejack was about to shake some sense into Fluttershy when the red ball struck her square in the jaw. “What in tarnation!” she spat as she got immediately back on her feet. The royal guards were watching patiently. “Now what’s this f...” Applejack’s rant broke off as she stared at the big red ball. She tentatively struck it with a hoof, then struck it again, and again, and again, and began chuckling uncontrollably. Her eyes glazed over, and she leaped at the ball, falling straight over it onto her back. She rolled around on the ground, nuzzling the ball with her head. “Another success,”(1) the guards concluded. The two of them had an easy time placing a restraining saddle, blinders and a steel bit on poor Applejack. Fluttershy looked on, her eyes downcast in professional pity. “Poor, ‘troubled’ Applejack, if only we’d gotten here sooner.” Lyra and Bon-Bon were knocking back celebratory shots of ginger ale at Sugar Cube Corner when Twilight Sparkle joined them at the bar. The two friends gasped when they saw the star-flanked broad sit down beside them. “Twilight Sparkle!” Lyra whispered, “are you okay? She didn’t beat you too, did she?” “Who, Pinkie Pie?” a baffled Twilight asked in return. “No, Applejack! We saw what she did to Apple Bloom,” Bon-Bon whispered, smacking one hoof into another to drive home her point. Twilight’s eyes brightened in understanding. “Oooh, girls, Applejack didn’t hit Apple Bloom, that was a screw-driving accident.” Lyra started to panic. “Bon-Bon, I think we messed up, I think we messed up bad...” Bon-Bon bit her lip. “But what about how she exploded at Derpy? What about ‘screwing like an amateur’?” “Derpy was being extremely unhelpful, Bon-Bon, and the screwing comment was---” Twilight stopped and glared at her. “Were you SPYING on us?” “Tactical listening,” Bon-Bon said sheepishly. Twilight glared at her, before turning to address Lyra. “Lyra, sweetie, don’t let Bon-Bon drag you into her paranoid escapades so easily.” Lyra hung her head. “You’re right, Twilight.” “Hey!” interrupted Bon-Bon. “Well, I’m glad this misunderstanding is behind everypony now,” Twilight finished, hoping to finally order a slice of banana cream pie. “Well, uh, Twilight...” Lyra began, “it may be a little more complicated than that...” “Fluttershah?” “Um, yes?” “I’m gonna git you fer this.” “Oh... okay.” Applejack was restrained in the back of the Herd Services pacification carriage, guards on either side of her. Fluttershy sat in the front passenger’s seat. As she rested there, helpless to interfere with her fate, Applejack reflected on her years of hard work raising little Apple Bloom as if she were a daughter. All those years, seemingly wasted because of a simple misunderstanding. “What’s gonna happen to Apple Bloom?” Applejack asked quietly. She could hear Fluttershy turning around to speak. “Well, once your big brother and grandmother have been checked out, she’ll stay with them.” Applejack paused. “And me? Where’s this thing takin’ me?” Fluttershy was more comfortable with this question. “Well, we’re taking you to a nice, friendly processing facility, and then you’ll go to court in Canterlot.” “And if I’m found guilty?” Applejack pressed. “My goodness, uh...” Fluttershy began. “Well, actually, you’ll be sent to the Dragon Petting Zoo.” Applejack recoiled in horror, despite her restraints. “No, Fluttershah, anythin’ but that!” “Oh, Applejack, don’t worry, the dragons are instructed to file their claws before visiting the zoo nowadays. It’s not like in the petting zoo movies. They don’t even use asbestos feeding pellets anymore.” Applejack began to sob uncontrollably, chewing desperately at her steel bit. All of a sudden, the carriage began to rock back and forth as if shaken by a gargantuan hand...er... hoof. Applejack felt her stomach churn as the carriage was pulled quickly down toward the earth. She heard the carriage door open and slam shut, and could make out the sound of an animated conversation going on outside between Fluttershy and some other ponies. Within moments, the door was opened, an “oh dear” was heard from Fluttershy, and Applejack felt herself being hastily removed from the carriage by the guards. Moments later, her blinders were removed, and she could see Fluttershy, Twilight, Bon-Bon and Lyra all looking at her with relieved expressions. Dear Princess Celestia (pbuh), Golly-gee! My friend Lyra and I sure learned a swell lesson about friendship today. It turns out that you shouldn’t eavesdrop on somepony, stalk somepony, or draw wild conclusions about somepony based on snippets of conversation. Who knew, right? Anyhow, we’ve been asked by Fluttershy from Herd Services to run the Ponyville Dragon Petting Zoo for the week to make sure that we learned from our mistakes. I confess that it’s not too much of a bother, as so far we’ve only had one customer. I do find it strange that he asks Lyra to wear a purple wig and cover herself with powdered sugar during his visits, but hey: Everypony, and, I suppose, everydragon, has their quirks. Look at that, cranking out even more lessons as I go! Twilight doesn't have anything on me. ;) Your slave, Bon-Bon