“Damn it, Bloomy!” Applejack exclaimed, resting her hoof against her head in consternation.
“I’m awful sorry, big sis, I only wanted to help the farm...” Apple Bloom whimpered. She had just snapped Sweet Apple Acre’s third and final flathead screwdriver while attempting to tighten a loose screw on the back of an apple cart. She had fallen face-first into the cart when the screwdriver gave out, leaving her with a nasty-looking black eye.
Applejack shook her head. “Ah, told ya, ya can’t screw in a screw by pressin’ real hard at a right angle.”
Applebloom walked away in a pout, rubbing her inflamed eye and muttering: “Miss Cheerilee made learnin’ angles too hard. It’s called a ‘right’ angle, and I wanted to do the job right...”
Turning to the loose-screwed cart, Applejack sighed. She’d have to go into town again to get a new set of screwdrivers, and a tap and die to make some new screws.
“Hey, Apple Bloom, you get back here, now!” Applejack yelled. “If I have’ta go take care of yer mess, you’re comin’ with me.” Apple Bloom grumbled and returned to her sister’s side.
And so, the orange cream horizon sunset tangerine caramel carrot satsuma cheezit-colored ponies set off for Ponyville for the second time that day.
The town of Ponyville was bustling that Sunday afternoon; many of the ponies had been roused to action by Mr. Waddle’s sermon that morning on the merits of selling all of your expensive pipes in order to buy the equivalent in corn-cob pipes, which leaves one with about ten-fold as many pipes as before.
As Applejack and Apple Bloom made their way down mane street, they ran into Twilight Sparkle as she exited the Fawn Shop. She was levitating dozens of corn-cob pipes above her head.
“Well hi there, Twilight, I didn’t figure you for the alicorn-fearin’ type,” Applejack said, putting her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
Twilight giggled. “Oh, AJ, everypony knows I’m the Dana Scully of the show. What brings you into town?”
Sensing the impending harangue, Apple Bloom hid behind her sister.
“Well,” Applejack began, “SOME-pony screws like an amateur and broke mah last flathead!” she gestured at the embarrassed little filly next to her.
“Stupid angles!” Apple Bloom whined.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “So you’re going to the hardware store, I suppose?” she asked.
“Yep,” said Applejack.
Twilight examined her hoof. “I have to swing by the pharmacy next door to the hardware store. My horseshoe binding has become ‘not so fresh,’ and I need some ointment. You know what I mean, right Applejack?”
Applejack stared blankly at Twilight. “No, and I don’t reckon I know anypony who does,” she stated.
Twilight continued: “Well, uh, why don’t I accompany you guys?” she stuttered, hiding her front hoof.
“Fine by me,” said Applejack, “and this one won’t be havin’ any problems with it.” she nudged Apple Bloom authoritatively.
As the three ponies made their way to the hardware store, they neglected to notice the eavesdroppers who had been listening in on their conversation from inside the Fawn Shop.
“Did you see Apple Bloom’s black eye?” Lyra whispered from behind her magazine.
Bon-Bon shivered. “Yeah, and Applejack said something about her ‘screwing like an amateur’...”
“AND they’re hanging out with Twilight Sparkle,” replied Lyra. “But all those signs aside, do you really think that Applejack is the kind of mare who would abuse her own sister?”
A determined look appeared on Bon-Bon’s face.
“As good citizens of Equestria, we have to follow them and find out.”
The labyrinthine halls and incomprehensible isle numbering system of Ponyville’s Stall Depot hardware store had begun to take its toll on Applejack, Twilight and Apple Bloom. It felt like they had been searching for the screw and nail section for hours, and the store seemed abandoned by all the customer service ponies. Finally, Applejack shouted in frustration:
“Can I get some got-dang service in this dump?”
Her voice echoed throughout the store into silence. Right before assuming her cry had been in vain, the three ponies heard a faint flapping of wings somewhere in the distant isles. It grew louder and louder, until around a corner flew a bubbly grey mare in a tacky orange vest.
“Hey-dee, welcome to Stall Depot, where the price is always charged,” she exclaimed enthusiastically at the trio.
Twilight sighed. “Hey, Derpy, what happened to your job with the mail service?”
Derpy frowned. “My job was outsourced to the southern dragon kingdom. I guess they can transport mail with their fire breath a lot faster than we pegasi can.”
“Oh, that’s awful... I hope you don’t take it out on Spike the next time you see him,” Twilight joked, attempting to lighten the mood.
Derpy smiled. “Oh no, Twilight, it’s not Spike’s fault. Race-traitors like you who employ the dragons are to blame---”
“---This may be one of my favorite subjects, Derpy, but raht now I need to find the screw and nail section,” Applejack interjected.
A tumbleweed could be seen, and heard, as it crossed an isle in the distance.
“The screw and nail section,” Derpy repeated back at Applejack.
Apple Bloom piped up: “You know, Miss Derpy, where we can get screws and nails and screwdrivers?”
Derpy smiled. “What are you making, guys?” she asked, leaning against a stack of belt sanders.
Applejack adjusted her hat. “I’m not making anythin’, darlin’, I need a new screwdriver and a tap and die,” she declared.
Derpy put her hoof to her chin in befuddlement. “So what is it you’re trying to do?”
“It don’t matter what I’m tryin’ to do, I want a flathead screwdriver and a tap and die,” Applejack growled, her voice beginning to rise.
“Okay,” Derpy sat down, deep in thought. “So you want something that taps and something that dies, and you want a driver with a flat head.” She stared at Applejack.
“I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS PLACE!” Applejack shouted, trotting right up to Derpy, gesticulating wildly with her hooves.
Twlight leaped to Derpy’s defense, blocking Applejack’s path. “Now Applejack,” she reasoned, “there’s no need for confrontation. Remember my 71st report to Princess---”
Applejack shoved Twilight aside and poked Derpy in the chest with her hoof. “What kind of store is this?” she bellowed, “ I want a flathead screwdriver and a damn tap and die! Now WHERE IN THE HAY DO I GO?”
“Isle 7, in-between Isle 15 and the paint isle,” Derpy answered, a grin still plastered on her face.
Applejack blinked twice.
“Which direction?”
Behind the artisan sandpaper section, Lyra and Bon-Bon had been clandestinely observing Applejack and her friends.
“Wow-ee,” Bon-Bon scrunched up her face in disgust, “she almost beat Derpy to a pulp!”
Lyra squinted. “I dunno, Bon-Bon, maybe she’s just having a bad day.”
Just then, the two girls heard an enraged shout a few isles over: “Taproot removal? Derpy, that has NOTHIN’ to do with a tap and die!”
“I know you always want to see the best in ponies, Lyra, but it’s a harsh world out there,” Bon-Bon made a dramatic sweeping gesture with her hoof, wearing a giant foam finger she had opportunely snagged from a giant foam finger display. “We have to report this to the town’s Herd Services department, just in case.”
“Okay...” Lyra reluctantly agreed.
Bon-Bon puffed up her chest. “You go on ahead to Herd Services. I’ll keep an eye on those three. Rendezvous at Sugar Cube Corner, 5:00 PM happy hour.”
“Got it! Bye Bon-Bon!”
When her friend was out of sight, Bon-Bon grabbed another foam finger off of the display rack.
“Save Apple Bloom? Check. Birthday present for Lyra? Check.”