//------------------------------// // Chapter the Fifth: Fatty on the Friendship Express // Story: A Homeric Epic in Equestria // by KingHonorius12 //------------------------------// *Clickety-Clackety-Clickety-Clackety-CHOO-CHOO-Clickety-Clackety-Clickety-Clackety!* The Friendship Express chugged along the tracks towards the city of Canterlot. Homer Simpson snoozed in the caboose while the Elements of Harmony were gathered around a table in a private passenger car to discuss important business. “…and that’s why nopony exists outside of their own thoughts!” concluded Pinkie Pie. “Want to hear more, Rarity?” “Pinkie, you can’t go around explaining to ponies that they don’t exist,” resented Twilight as she comforted the nearly comatose Rarity. “If you do that, they won’t continue with their pointless lives. I mean, productive lives. Besides, we have to figure out how to deal with Homer! How can we get him to behave in front of the princesses?” “He sleeps more than Rainbow Dash and eats more than Pinkie Pie!” said Applejack. “What the hay can we do about that?” “Well, from my observations so far, even though he’s intelligent he doesn’t seem to be very… intelligent. What I mean is that he appears very simpleminded, so maybe we can use simple methods to ensure the visit goes smoothly. “I sort of see what you mean,” said Fluttershy, “Even though I understand most of the animals, they don’t always understand me, so I make friends with them by giving them food.” “That’s really nice, Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash, “but giving more food to that thing with the black hole of stomachs that tried to put the Cakes and Apples out of business? Not a great plan.” “It may be our only plan,” expounded Twilight. “I’m with Dash, Twi,” said Applejack, “There’s not much we can give it that it wouldn’t just take anyways.” “What if it tries to eat my jewels?!” Rarity asked Twilight. “I’d be ruined! It would be worse than the time Spike drank your endless hunger potion to try and gain weight!” “We don’t even know if it eats jewels, Rarity,” said Twilight. “Look, we’re all worried about how the Princesses will receive him, and I think the only way to make this work is if we talk to him.” They all sighed in surrender. “I’ll go get him,” said Fluttershy. “Are you sure?” asked Twilight. “Remember what happened the last time you volunteered to be alone with him?” reminded Applejack. “Oh, but now I know that he won’t eat my brains, and I really want to try connecting with him.” “I don’t think he ever denied that he would eat our brains,” said Rainbow Dash as Fluttershy trotted back towards the caboose. When she got there, she gently peeked in through the car’s door. “Mr. Simpson? Are you still asleep?” She got confirmation before she finished speaking. Homer was sleeping peacefully on a bed far too small for him. “Aww…” Even when it came to such a fearsome creature as Homer Jay Simpson, Fluttershy could never resist any sort of sleeping critter. Even if said critter was six feet tall, drooling, snoring and mumbling obnoxiously loud, had his left hand hanging off of the bed and his right hand on his crotch, and might not be adverse to eating pony brains. “Snnnnnggggghhhhh… Marge…” “There, there,” said Fluttershy, rubbing Homer’s belly gently. “Oh, Marge, not so fast, I haven’t even got it up yet…” “What?” Suddenly, Homer pulled her close to his face. “Well,” he said, “if you insist…” “Er, I’m sorry Mr. Simpson,” said Fluttershy, as she started to become quite panicked as her mouth became closer to his fuzzy lips, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Then their lips locked together as Homer’s tongue ventured into Fluttershy’s throat… “GYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH-HAKYYAAAK!” Fluttershy shrieked and choked on the unexpected kiss from the sleeping duff, waking him up. “HUH-WUH?!” Homer sat up with his and Fluttershy’s lips still locked. “EAYAUGH! PBTH! I KISSED A HORSE!” About a mile ahead, two ponies were walking alongside the tracks, a unicorn and an earth pony. “I can’t believe I blew it,” said the yellow-cream unicorn stallion miserably, “The chance of a lifetime… entering the Ponyville Donut Ring Toss for a chance at fame and fortune, and I couldn’t even make the shortlist.” A peach-colored mare with a sleek golden mane and an eyeball cutie mark nuzzled him. “You tried your hardest. You took a shot at your dream, and now you can go home with pride, closure, and a new marefriend.” “I haven’t got a mare…” started Donut Joe, but he stopped as the pretty young mare gazed blissfully into his eyes. “I love you, Joe.” “I love you too, Brighty.” She closed her magnificently bewitching blue eyes and they leaned together to kiss, when suddenly, Joe broke off and galloped ahead saying, “Watch out for the train!” The mare’s eyes shot open to watch the train speed past her face just inches away, paralyzing her on the spot. Joe sighed with relief that she wasn’t in the way. Suddenly, a pink blob of goo splashed into her face. She screamed. “NO! MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES! AUGH!!!” “NO!! BRIGHTY!!” shouted Joe. Back on the train, Homer wiped the remainder of the puked frosting off of his face. “Mr. Simpson, are you okay?” asked Fluttershy. “Eauaeghueaeugh…” “You must have an upset tummy.” Fluttershy began rubbing his belly again, but this time she concentrated hard as she rubbed, massaging the organ that had just disgorged an enormous pink mess. She continued massaging Homer’s stomach until he “AHHH’d” in relief, having gotten over his bout of nausea. “There, how does that feel?” asked Fluttershy. “Much better,” said Homer. “Umm, Mr. Simpson, me and my friends would like to talk to you up in the next car.” “Aww! But I was dreaming about sleeping!” “Please, Mr. Simpson?” “Oh, alright, but I’m not very good at that thing you do with your ears.” “Listening?” “I’m sorry, I was looking at my hands, what were you saying?” Homer and Fluttershy made their way back to the others. With Fluttershy’s return, the table was full again. “Do you want to sit down?” Twilight asked tentatively. “Where’s the hay is he gonna sit?” asked Applejack. “He can sit on me!” Pinkie Pie appeared from nowhere behind Homer. “PINKIE PIE, NO!” shouted Twilight. But it was too late. Homer sat, squishing Pinkie Pie with his enormous ass. Everyone in the room was frozen with fear, except Homer, who was frozen with gas. *PRRRRRRRRRRRRT!* “Much better,” said Homer. “GET OFF OF HER, YOU DOLT!” screamed Twilight. “Oh!” Homer obeyed in a flash when he realized “his chair” was crushed. Pinkie Pie twitched unconsciously as her friends and Homer gathered around her. “Pinkie Pie…” said Applejack. “Say something, darling!” pleaded Rarity. “Pearly… white…” muttered Pinkie, her eyes still shut. “WAKE UP, PINKS!” exploded Rainbow Dash, violently shaking Pinkie’s limp body. “W-w-w-w-wee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!” Rainbow stopped shaking Pinkie as soon as she realized that she had assumed consciousness. “Aww, keep going Dashie!” “Are you okay, Pinkie?” asked Applejack. “Neeeeeeeeever better! I just had the weirdest dream! There was a party in the clouds, and there was a stallion with a big white beard who was making sure none of the naughty ponies got in and then this stallion with a long brown mane and a beard who called me his child came out of the party and said that it “wasn’t time" yet! I guess they were still setting up or something! I hope I can go back REAL soon!” Silence fell temporarily. “Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash, “Pinkie Promise that you’ll never try to be a chair again.” “I’m sorry, Dash,” said Pinkie softly, “But I’m afraid I can’t do that.” “Then at least promise you won’t be its chair again,” said Dash, pointing at Homer. “I can live with that!” said Pinkie Pie. She made the gestures and spoke the words. “Okay,” said Twilight, “Now we need to figure out how to seat you,” she told Homer. In the end, an entire half of the table had to be cleared for Homer. Fluttershy, Twilight and Rarity sat across from him, while Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie hung over them by standing on the seat at the next table. “Let’s start by getting some things straight,” said Twilight. “Is your name Homer Simpson?” “Yes.” “Good. Are you from an alternate dimension?” “Yes.” “Has your species mastered interdimensional travel?” “Yes.” “Are you a being of great influence in your dimension?” “Yes.” “Am I holding up five fingers?” “Yes.” “Hah! I don’t have fingers! That means that you’re not paying attention!” “Yes.” “Pay attention!” “Yes.” “STOP SAYING ‘YES’!!!” “Okay…” said Homer meekly. “Homer,” said Twilight as she shook her head, “If we’re going to make any progress you have to pay attention to what we’re saying. Do you understand?” “Yes.” “Do you not understand?” “Uhhh… maybe?” “Good enough,” said Twilight, as she telekinetically pulled out a clipboard and a pencil. “Now, where are you from?” “I’m from Springfield!” he said with pride. “Where is that?” “I don’t know,” he said distraught. “Is Springfield the name of the country you live in?” “No. The country’s called The USA.” “USA? What does that stand for?” “WHAT DOES IT STAND FOR?” asked Homer loudly. He stood up on the table. “It stands for freedom! For passion! For awesome! It stands for the little guy, like me!” “Little?!” said Rarity. “It stands for a place where you can do whatever the hell you want! It stands for a place that doesn’t care what you weigh…” he said mockingly, “…or what your intelligence quotient is…” he said with utter disdain, “It’s where every man’s dream can true as long as they’re exactly like me.” They all stared at Homer. “I thought it stood for Über Sugary Axtravaganza!” said Pinkie Pie. “You mean ‘Extravaganza’,” said Twilight. “Not if there’s an ‘Ax’ in it!” said Pinkie. Everyone cringed. Suddenly, the train screeched to a halt. The conductor entered the car. “We’ve arrived in Canterlot!” “Shoot!” said Twilight. “We barely have any time left to prepare for their Highnesses! We’ll have to continue talking along the way!” “You do that,” said Homer as he walked ahead towards the train doors. “Wait! We need to talk!” “Why do you need me to talk to?” whined Homer. “Why don’t you talk with your friends, Lisa?” “What?” Twilight said confusedly. Homer disappeared from view as he stepped outside. Within the next sixty seconds there were frantic screams, followed by stampeding sounds, followed by silence. “Let’s go get him,” said Twilight. “Or…” said Rainbow, “…we could say that we tried the best we could, but he escaped and there’s nothing anypony can do about it, and that they can keep him if they manage to find him.” Twilight glared at her. “It’s a suggestion!” “Let’s go look for him,” said Twilight. They left the train. The platform had been cleared of all life, pony and non-pony. Luggage was left strewn about from the panic that Homer had incited. They went into town to find more empty streets. They gathered by a fountain circle in the middle of town. “Okay, we’ve got to find him ASAP, we’re due at the palace in half-an-hour. Applejack and Rarity will search South, Rainbow Dash will fly East, Pinkie will search West, and Fluttershy and I will go North. Any questions?” “Could I have a fried egg?” asked Pinkie Pie. “What do we do when we find him?” asked Applejack. We meet back here, give him a talking to, then head for the castle,” said Twilight. “What if we can’t find him?” asked Fluttershy anxiously. “It shouldn’t be hard to find him,” said Twilight frustratedly, “He’s big, he’s fat, he’s smelly, and he’s dumb; how hard could it be?” “Not very…” said Rainbow Dash, looking behind Twilight. Twilight spun around to find Homer with tears welling in his eyes. “You think I’m dumb?” he said in an unnaturally high pitched voice. “No, no!” said Twilight quickly, “I think you’re very smart in your own, special, way!” “Oh, thank you!” said Homer joyfully. Nobody could help staring when he crushed Twilight with a hug. “Okay…” wheezed Twilight, “Let’s go to the palace!” Homer let her go, then they started off. “By the way,” said Twilight, “What were you doing without us?” “Well…” started Homer… This was a new low for Donut Joe. He had been laughed out of the most prestigious Donut-tossing event in Equestria, and now his would-be marefriend would be blind for the rest of her life. Also she dumped him. “At least I’ve still got my Donut Shop,” he said as he walked through the front door. He went into the refrigerated backroom and grabbed the big bag of dough. “Now to make some dough…” He opened the bag to find it empty. “…NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTS!!!”