Jasper sighed, “Listen God, I wasn’t committing suicide. I was just going for a swim.”
High above in Heaven, God looked down on the sad twenty year old kid. In his gaze on Earth he had found this kid wandering and wondered what he was up to. God looked down on suicide but not in the way he looked down on his mortals, but he looked down with shame at the act. To him it is just a waste of true potential.
“Why the fuck do you assume I give two fucks what happens to you?”God snarled as he watched the kid. His power allowed him to view all his mortal subjects and he basically eavesdrop on everything that happened. Sure it’s an invasion of privacy but mortals rights don’t bother the might of God at all. Except for when they marry the same gender, which really pisses him off.
Then suddenly the human disappeared in a flash of gold and God jumped back in his throne. “Where did he go?” God asked out loud to no one in particular. What made it more awkward was he was alone on his throne.
“Hold on.” God said standing up. With amazing powers he looked for the kid. If one of his subjects went missing he wanted to know about it. But as he looked he found he couldn’t find the human anywhere. God frowned and stomped his foot.
“Satan!” God roared and in a matter of seconds a black cloaked man appeared, rising from the cloud floor.
“What?” Satan asked. He was kind of annoyed God was making him miss his soap.
“Did you do something with one of my mortal subjects?” God asked sternly.
“No.” Satan said now really annoyed that he was called to discuss mortals.
“Well I’m omniscient so I already knew that and I know you’re not lying.” God said stroking his long flowing beard.
“Then why the fuck did you call me up here?” Satan shrieked.
“I’m omniscient ooooo.” God wiggled his fingers. “And you’re not, faggot.” Satan sighed as God gloated as he normally did. God turned his back to the prince of darkness.
“Anyways the Angel of Death,”
“Grim Reaper.” Satan corrected.
“Angel of Death.” God glared at Lucifer. “Probably has an explanation.” God cleared his throat and another shadowy figure arose from the cloud floor. But this one carried a scythe.
“Yes my lord?” The figure asked.
“Death Angel are you aware that one of my mortal subjects is no longer of this world?” God asked.
“Well I,”
“Oh wait omniscience I already know what you’re going to say.” God smirked. The Reaper sighed and looked to Satan who just gave him that look that said it was going to be one of those days.
“Well God it’s been nice seeing you but I have duties to perform.” The Reaper said turning to walk away.
“Oh no you don’t.” God said floated over and grabbing Death’s shoulder. “You’re like me; you’re omnipresent so you can chat for all eternity with me and still perform your duties.” The Reaper’s skull glumly sighed.
“Now we have a mortal to find.” God raised his hand and a circular table with a grid map appeared rose from the cloud floor. The three immortals stood around it. God, realizing that they were evenly spaced out around table, extended his arms and brought the three closer together.
“Now.” He began. “This map is kind of completely worthless because you know; omniscience.” God tighten his hold on the other two. “But you know I want to include you guys because I love you all so much!”
“And you sure show it the oddest ways.” Death commented.
“Yeah you kicked me out of heaven and forced me to torture millions of souls on minimum wage!” Satan growled.
“Yeah but look at the bright side.” God said.
“What?”
“You can watch your soaps in privacy without others bothering you, faggot.” God smirked. Satan was about to respond but realized God was right and he shouldn’t encourage him.
“Alright can we just find this fucking mortal already?” Death said wiggling himself free of God’s grip.
“Oh sure just take a look on the map, I insist.” God ushered the Reaper forward. Death gazed with his empty eye sockets over the grids of the map of Earth. In took him about a couple seconds to scan but when he did, he was more confused than before at the predicament.
“I can’t”
“What’s the matter can’t find him?” God said knowing what the Reaper would say. He didn’t need omniscience to know that.
“Yes.” The Reaper growled. “It’s like he’s not in this plane of reality.” With his bony fingers he zoomed the map out. “Or in yours or Lucifer’s.”
“My name’s Satan!” Lucifer insisted.
“Well this is troubling." God put his hand under his chin.
“Why? What is one mortal worth to you?” Satan asked.
“Nothing I am far superior to one mortal.” God growled. “It’s just that this mortal has eluded his destiny which is to die and be judged by me as all mortals fates are.”
“Megalomaniac.” Death said under his breath. God heard that and decided he was gunna give the Angel of Death a nuggie after he found this mortal and brought him to be judged.
“What about that other dimension that we achieved our first Armageddon in?” Satan asked. God frowned, hating to think about that colossal failure on his part.
A long time ago there was another Earth, now called First Earth, that God had made for humanity. And it was very similar to the Earth that the three presently maintained which they called New Earth since it was, well, new. First Earth had its own history that followed everything that New Earth had but certain events happened on First Earth and now it was a vast wasteland. After that God abandoned it and pretended like it never existed.
“No there’s nothing left in there.” God said. “Everything died eventually. I just checked.” He can do that.
“Um maybe we could you know.” Satan awkwardly stated. “Check in that ‘other’ dimension other than First Earth.”
“Oh yes.” Death groaned. “That dimension.”
“Oh but I hate that dimension.” God moaned. “It’s so stupid how it invaded my pure world. I’m glad it’s no better than how the First Earth is now in its present state.”
“Yep Armageddon sure was a dousy.” Death stated. “Had to work overtime in the first week.”
“So do you think that maybe this mortal, um,” Satan looked at the map. “Jasper, may have escaped into that dimension?”
“Well I hate to say it but I never enacted my influence in that realm and once the portals closed I haven’t had the want to open them again and see what I could see.” God admitted.
“Well I just checked for you.” Death said. Using his omnipresence he had simply traveled to the other dimension and surveyed the scene. “No mortals there. In fact there’s nothing in that dimension. It truly is just oblivion.”
“Cool.”God smirked. “Guess I don’t mind it if there’s nothing in there. Maybe I’ll revive the human race and start again. This time in two worlds to control.”
God fantasized about these things as of late. It’s true that his greatest creation, humanity, was destroyed in a bloody doomsday on First Earth. He thought about starting again but he truthfully didn’t know where to start. The idea of two dimensions of humans appealed to him. Having them under his influence and seeing how they did things differently. Then maybe one day he would unite them and see what happens.
“Great more souls to manage. My favorite.” Satan said sarcastically. He scrolled around on the map until he found the location that Jasper had disappeared.
“Um God?” Satan said getting God’s attention. “The place your mortal disappeared has evidence that suggests he was transported using magic that is exactly the same as them.”
“Oh yes. Them magic.” Death growled.
“It is?” God asked in disbelief. “I mean, of course it is. Omniscience.”
“Yeah keep telling people that.” Satan shook his head. “But you know what this could mean?”
“Fuck.” Death groaned.
“Well I hope it doesn’t.” God said looking over the map. “But if it is that magic then I don’t want what happened to my First Earth to happen to my New Earth.”
“Yeah that was sure tiresome.” Death agreed.
“Everything was going fine until those four legged freaks perverted my pure humanity.” God sneered.
“Well I think we know where Jasper is.” Satan concluded. “And I’m willing to bet that he’s with them now.”
“And if he can go with them then the rest can.” Death said. God thought for a second.
“Alright I’m getting him back.” He closed his eyes. God’s power is great but in this instance, to mortals in may not look so great. Mortals are used to what they can see, hear, and smell. They expect Gods to show their brilliant power in awe striking instances. But in this instance all they would see would be an old man closing his eyes. But to the immortals what he was doing was magnificent.
“Omnipotent!” God roared suddenly. He turned to his two acquaintances. “Alright found him, sadly.”
“He’s in that kind of universe isn’t he?” Death said.
“Yep.” God threw up his arms and collapsed on his throne.
“Did you get him back?” Satan asked.
“No.” God said. He looked at the two immortals and with a flick of his fingers he produced chairs for them to sit on.
“Why not?” Death asked taking a seat.
“I can get his body back.” God explained. “But I can’t get his soul. And his soul is what we judge him on.”
“So much for omnipotence.” Satan smirked.
“Hey there’s obviously an explanation for this.” God spat. “Their magic is, uh, kryptonite to me.”
“Yeah sure.” Satan said. “I totally believe you.”
“Well what do we do now?” Death asked.
“I don’t know?” God shrugged. He snapped his fingers and a screen appeared in front of them. “Let’s watch?” The two immortals nodded and they watched what would unfold.
They watched Jasper’s interactions with the hated creatures; ponies. And they watched for a while because being gods they could do whatever they wanted and still maintain their duties. Even Satan, the weakest because he was neither omnipresence, omnipotent, nor omniscient, watched even though he was missing his soaps.
However it was a matter of time till the immortals began to see things starting to go wrong. Jasper became a king and betrayed the ponies. Now normally they would welcome a pony getting hurt but this time it felt wrong. God was the most militant about the whole thing.
He would get up and scream, “That’s not fucking right! He’s a tool; he’s got no right.” But Jasper couldn’t hear the anger of his god from the other dimension and he continued to do his work. With each step he took, he angered the immortals above watching him. Eventually God couldn’t take it anymore. Jasper was his obsession and he had to have his soul to be judged.
“That mortal.” God fumed. “That mortal! I will have that mortal!”
“Yeah he’s kind of a prick.” Satan agreed eating his popcorn. “I mean where the fuck did he come up with this shit? He was only in Equestria for three days until he overthrew those two.”
“It pisses me off.” God stormed. “Give me some popcorn.” He said as he took a handful of Satan’s popcorn and stuffed it in his mouth.
“Well why don’t you just go and get him?” Death suggested.
“Uh canut.” God said a mouthful of popcorn. He swallowed and continued. “I can only watch. My power won’t allow me to go to that realm. So much for omnipotence.” He held out his hand and a Mountain Dew bottle materialized and he began to sip on the straw.
“Well that’s never stopped you before.” Death continued. “Why not just send one of your subjects? An angel. They could probably get in.” God’s eyes widened. He then proceeded to spit his soda all over the Angel of Death.
“Bro you’re a genius! I’ll get my angels to sort this out.”
“My fucking robes!” Death shrieked. God didn’t hear him as he happily skipped away to find an angel to take up his quest.
“Oh and Satan.” God said looking back.
“What?”
“You’re a little homo and I hate you.”
“Yeah fuck you too bro.”Satan threw up his middle finger before disappearing along with Death.
God quickly rounded a corner of his Heavenly fortress. He took about two steps and then remembered he was omnipresent so he just needed to switch perspectives. He did so and focused on just the angel he was looking for.
“Hey Bill, what’s going on?” God greeted his angelic secretary.
“Oh hey God.”Bill said looking over his book of knowledge. “You need something.”
“No I need someone.” God said gleefully. “I need an angel for a mission. The best you have.”
“What kind of mission.” Bill asked flipping through his book. God's angels were basically his servants. They went out on his orders to perform some task whatever it may be. God sent them out when in situations like this he couldn't do something himself or he wanted to focus on something else.
“It’s complicated but it involves retrieving a lost soul.” God explained.
“Sounds complicated.” Bill agreed. “Well we’ve got Talor, he’s very wise, there’s Raktor he’s very authoritative, or there’s Saratosh he has a lot of experience under his belt.” God wasn’t really interested in those angels. They all did things by the book and they were kind of a drag. Then his eyes brightened up.
“Him.” God pointed to a name on the list.
“Him?”
“Yes him.” God nodded. “Jim. I want Jim boy.”
“I don’t know about that my lord.” Bill said worriedly. “Jim’s kind of a train wreck.”
“How so?” God crossed his arms.
“Well.” Bill began. “He’s never been out on a mission before so he doesn’t have the experience that the others I’ve named have. Then there’s the biggest problem being he was responsible for the Armageddon of the First Earth. His actions set forward the deaths of millions of your subjects and those other creatures. But most importantly he used to be a man and he’s one of few angels that you included in your ranks despite previous standings. And you know how those former humans turned angel can be. Very disloyal to your teachings.” God looked sternly at Bill.
“Armageddon was bound to happen eventually. We didn’t know when and we didn’t know how but it happened and he just happened to be what set it. Sure he wasn’t the Antichrist that would have come from us but he was the unofficial holder of the title. He’s young in our terms but ever angel needs experience. So I choose him.” God began to walk away. “Besides Bill, weren’t you once a man too?”
Bill choked a bit. “I think my time here sets me apart from those ruffians.”
“Sure it does.” God smirked walking away.
When he was back to his throne he had discovered that his guests had left. That was too bad because God was a single god and he never had equals visit him. Not that Death or Satan were equals but they were close in their own respect.
But for right now there was the Jasper controversy. And God needed to prepare for the show. It was his angel versus some kid off the street. His First Earth angel versus a New Earth punk. The time was now. God snapped his fingers and in front of him Jim materialized. Problem was Jim was about five feet above the floor so he ended up crashing down.
“Ouch!” He screamed.
“Sup Jim.”God greeted.
“Huh of sup Yahweh.” Jim said rubbing his head. God glared at the angel. “Oops I mean sup God.” God hated his official name but he was willing to forgive the angel since it was only an accident.
“You getting use to those wings yet?” God asked.
“No.” Jim admitted. His wings were sprouting from his back. Big magnificent white wings, the trademark of all
angels.
“Come on man. It’s been two thousand years and you still don’t know how to fly?” God said.
“Why am I wearing these dorky robes?” Jim complained since before he was wearing his casual clothes. All angels wore long white robes, or at least in the presence of God they did.
“Hey these robes are the shit!” God yelled pointing at his own. “They’re comfy and they look good on girls so why not guys?”
“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “They do look good on the girls.”
“Been enjoying the females I see?” God said.
“Yep, dying a virgin was the best choice of my life.”
“Sure choice.” God made quotation marks with his fingers.
“Anyways what do you want? I was in the middle of something.” Jim complained.
“So you know how you’ve always wanted a mission?” God smirked.
“No?”
“Well congratulations you’ve got one!” God held up his arms and confetti erupted from the place. He quickly got rid of it though because it got in his beard. God pointed to Jim and a circular vision appeared in front of the angel.
“This is Jasper. He’s a king.” God explained. Inside the sphere Jim could see a kid. He looked normal enough but kind of depressing. Reminded him of friends he had when he was human. “Jasper was a resident of New Earth until he was taken by a force you are very familiar with.” Jim’s hands formed fists and God smiled.
“Yes Jim boy, ponies.” The sphere changed and it showed Jasper’s first meeting with the ponies.
“They still live?” Jim shrieked. “Especially those two princesses and the mane six?”
“Not the same.” God explained to the angel that was freaking out. “These ponies aren’t like the ones you waged Armageddon on. These one come from a separate but similar universe. They captured my mortal and took him to their world.”
“Aaaah.” Jim screamed. “That’s a typical piece of fan fiction. You see a human dies and he gets,”
“I know all about that shit, Jim.” God cut him off. “Omniscient remember? But you see the twist here is,” The sphere changed red and instead of Jasper peacefully interacting with the ponies, he put on a golden gauntlet and went crazy. God showed Jim how Jasper had taken the crown and put all of Equestria under his rule. The clip stopped with Jasper’s red gaze looking into Jim’s eyes. But Jim just excitedly bounced up and down.
“This is great!” He exclaimed. “Jasper’s gunna lay waste to New Equestria and that’s more dead ponies.” In his excitement Jim’s wings had fluttered until he levitated off the ground.
“No this is not great!” God reprimanded.
“It’s not?” Jim floated back down to the ground.
“No! Do you not see the infidelity?” God asked.
“Oh yes the infidelity, right.” Jim said with a cheesy smile. God sighed and the sphere vanquished.
“Think of him what you will but when you meet him, you’ll either hate him or love him. I personally hate him.” God let out a short laughed. “Remember the ponies of old and how much you hated them?”
“Yep but I had to let go of that hate. Then of course I accidentally set forth Armageddon.” Jim also laughed. “Good times.”
“Yeah and we put Satan in the kiddy corner cause that’s what we’re supposed to do in Armageddon.” Just then Satan’s head popped out of the cloud floor.
“Yeah and can we not do that this time around?” He asked. God gave Jim a nod and Jim raced over to kick the head. But before he could Satan retreated back down.
“I think you’re ready Jim.” God said. “Now your mission is top secret. Do not tell the angel who resides in the southern district. You know the one with the mistakenly feminine voice but is actually a guy. I hate that faggot.” God blinked realizing he got off topic. “Anyways all you have to do is bring Jasper back home and then return here. You remember how?”
“Yes.” Jim nodded. “I just need to die again. But no suicides.” That’s how it works in Heaven. An angel can only return if he willingly dies at the hands of a mortal and has completed his mission. If not then he is sent to Hell and becomes a demon and has to spend all his life poking people with a stick. It's a really dead end job. “Also how do I bring him back? I can't travel dimensions even with the powers you gave me.”
“Fuck if I know.” God said. “I’ll figure it out but there is one complication. The gauntlet he’s wearing is draining his soul out. If he keeps using it his soul will vanish and he can’t be judged. Understand the predicament?”
“Yes. Rip it off his hand and bring him home eventually after you figure something out. Oh his family and friends will be so glad to see him.” Jim cheered.
“Yeah sure.” God shifted his eyes. “When you’re in there you’ll have your angel powers so I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“And angel power is absolute like you’re power right?” Jim asked.
“Of course it is.” God smiled. “You’re gunna be fine. Just think of this as a vacation. Now the portal.” God waved his hand a portal appeared behind Jim sucking in the air.
“Have a great time kid!” God called.
“I will thanks!” Jim called back. “Bye God, bye Lucifer!”
“My name is Satan!” Lucifer popped out of the clouds as Jim disappeared into the portal and then the portal closed behind the angel. God laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Satan shot. God looked at him.
“Faggot.”
Jim landed face first into the dirt of Equestria. He quickly scrambled to his feet and wiped his face trying to get his face clean again. It kind of worked but he was still muddy. More importantly his white robes were dirty. Good because he hated them. But right now he had to focus. He looked and saw Canterlot gate and then the high points of the castle. God had told him Jasper had taken control of Equestria and Canterlot being the capitol seemed like the place to looked for the kid.
“Jasper I’m coming for you!” Jim yelled. “And when I find you I’m just gunna stand there and realize that I’m in Equestria again and remember how much I hate this place!” He turned to see a pony was just staring at him.
“Shit!” He exclaimed and ran away.