//------------------------------//
// Shopping and Piano Practice 
// Story: Living in Equestria 
// by Blazewing 
//------------------------------//

With only one week until Hearth’s Warming, the store was packed with ponies purchasing presents and paraphernalia. Still, with my new weekly earnings, plus what I had left over from the week previous, stuffed into my coat, I wormed my way through the crowd with a shopping cart, not wishing to be pushy, though I’d have to be at least a little aggressive to make it through. As I went down the aisles, I felt like I was taking part in a game show, getting the correct items in the right amount of time. 

First of all, I returned to the bedding aisle to get another Sweet Dreams pillow for Princess Luna. Luckily there were still some left; must have been a popular brand. Hopefully Her Majesty would have a wonderful night’s sleep with this baby.

Speaking of babies, the infant care section was close by, full of diapers, jarred baby foods, and other baby needs. Along the wall nearby were strollers and buggies of all sorts, and it was there that I found what I was hoping for: a baby seat with bungee cords, designed for the little tykes to bounce themselves silly.

“Anything I can help you with, sir?” asked a store representative, coming up to me.

“Oh! Hello,” I said. “Do you have bungee seats made for two babies?”

“Yes, we do. Let me just check in storage.”

The employee walked off, and about 10 minutes later, he returned with a big box marked ‘Springhooves Double Baby Bungee’.

“How’s this?” he asked.

“Perfect! Thanks a bunch.”

“You’re welcome, sir. If anything else comes up, don’t hesitate to ask.”

With the bungee seat packed into my cart, I went to the section devoted to clothing to find a pair of wool hoof warmers for Granny Smith. There were many that were a solid color, but also plenty in festive designs, some nice, others rather garish. At last, I picked out a nice white pair that matched her mane.

Since the home goods section was close by, I stopped over to pick out a nice coffee mug for Mayor Mare. There was a row of festive ones, but the one I thought would appeal to her most was one labelled ‘The Boss’. She might get a kick out of that. While I was at it, I also grabbed one that read ‘#1 Teacher’ for Cheerilee.

With that done, I headed to the electronics section, which was full of vintage phonographs, radios, and boxy televisions. It made me feel old to think that I remembered models like these, but only because they had been in the cartoons I loved as a kid, or else were owned by my grandparents. One part was devoted to old vinyl records, and I hurried over to scope out the record I was hoping would be there. Sure enough, there was only one copy of ‘Hoof-Stomping Rock of the 80s’ left. As I took it out, a store employee noticed and placed a note over the now-empty placeholder to state that they would need to restock.

That was nearly everything on the list that could be bought here, but I wanted to make a quick check of something. After scoping about the entire store for nearly a half hour, I finally came across what I was looking for: a pack of those Rorschach ink blot psychology cards, packaged for mindless fun. I grabbed them for Screwball, then, after grabbing a few rolls of wrapping paper, made for the checkout, feeling lighter in my heart, and preparing to be in my change pocket.


***


With that done, and the night still young, I hurried home to drop off my Barnyard Bargain purchases and assign cards to them, then headed back out into the shopping district. The first thing I did was head to Quills and Sofas to buy the quill set I had placed a hold on. Mr. Davenport was very pleased, and though it made a bit of a dent in my money on-hand, I was satisfied to have gotten something Twilight had been yearning for; she’d be so happy.

Then I made a stop at the local joke shop. I had never been inside it before, but it was just like what I imagined a joke shop should look like: shelves packed with fake eyeballs, dribble glasses,, whoopie cushions, Groucho glasses, fake vomit, wax lips and mustaches, sneezing powder, disappearing ink, cans that spit those spring snakes, and much more. The counter had a display case of wind-up chattering teeth, joy buzzers, and gag candies, like ‘exploding chocolates’ or gum that turned your tongue different colors. The proprietor was a jovial-looking old pony dressed in vibrant colors that would have been seen only on a clown’s wallpaper.

“Welcome, sonny!” he said as I approached. “First time here?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, put ‘er there, chum!”

He held out his hoof, and I instinctively gripped it to shake it, but an unpleasant tingling shot up my arm, mixed with a brief but sharp stab of pain.

“YEOWCH!!”

The old pony wheezed with laughter, and I saw a joy buzzer on his hoof.

“Still our #1 seller!” he said. “Gets ‘em every time!”

“Sure got me,” I muttered.

“So, what can I do for ya?”

“What would you recommend for a general dose of pranking?” I asked him. “Like, the kind of stuff any jokester should have on hoof?”

“Ahh, an all-around pranker, eh? For that, my friend, I’d recommend the Prankmaster General’s Gift Basket, filled with the essentials for a day full of yuks!”

With that, he hefted up a basket full of an assortment of the items I’d already seen: disappearing ink, sneezing powder, a dribble glass, a can of spring snakes labelled as a jar of peanuts, chattering teeth, a joy buzzer, a whoopie cushion, and some trick gum.

“Hearth’s Warming Special,” he added. “25% off all purchases over 10 bits!”

“Wow, really?” I asked, fishing out my bits. “Thanks!”

“Happy pranking!” he called, after I’d paid and was making for the door.

“That old guy must have one of the most fun jobs in the world,” I muttered. “He gets to prank ponies, then sell the same pranks to them.”

I looked down at my list as I headed for home. Practically half of the addressees listed had been taken care of. I could take care of the rest of them next week, before or after I left for Canterlot, except, of course, for those items I would need to head to Canterlot for. Perhaps if I asked Bon Bon nicely enough, she’d allow me some time off before Hearth’s Warming. The piano lesson would be a perfect time to ask. I’d also have to order that chocolate fountain for the Crusaders soon.

Saturday, December 17
Princess Celestia: Practical joke kit
Princess Luna: Sweet Dreams Pillow
Screwball: Ink blot cards
Mr. and Mrs. Cake: Bungee seat for the twins
Vinyl: “Hoof-Stomp Rock of the 80s” record
Granny Smith: Hoof warmers
Mayor: Coffee mug
Cheerilee: Coffee mug


***


Sunday morning dawned. There was only one week left before Hearth’s Warming, but I was feeling all right. Luna’s nighttime intervention had really done me a lot of good. In one week, I had taken care of nearly all of my Ponyville obligations, leaving mainly those in Canterlot to be taken care of. I didn’t think Berry would keep her shop open today, so I decided I’d ask about the bottle of Jura tomorrow. Therefore, I waited for Minister Ironmane’s visit.

Right on schedule, the Minister of Foreign Affairs appeared at my door with my bag of dues. This time, however, he just handed it to me without a word. There was a rather grim expression on his face.

“Is something the matter, Minister?” I asked.

“I’m afraid so,” said Ironmane. “This Equestria-dragon peace issue is beginning to spiral in a completely unprecedented direction. Brutus is doing all he can, but talk is beginning to surface of the dragons simply flying into Equestria and taking their fill of the land’s gems.”

“W-What?! They can’t do that! It would completely refute what we’ve spent all this time working for!”

“I quite agree, but they’re growing more and more restless, especially with winter now upon them. Brutus is in dire need of a pony truly knowledgeable in gemstones; where they can be readily located and distributed.”

“I don’t understand why these dragons are so gem-crazy,” I said. “Twilight told me Spike knows the flavors of certain gems, but are they that tasty?”

“For a dragon, they are a delicacy fit for a king. Their teeth are sharp enough to chew through stone, and they must gain some dietary benefit from eating minerals to keep their scales tough.”

"If they're so important to them, why isn't there a store or restaurant out there that just serves gem-based dishes to hungry dragons?”

I had meant it partially as a joke, to be truthful. Ironmane looked at me as if I were insane, but just as he was about to give vent to what I presumed was a tirade against my novice way of thinking, he paused, closed his mouth, and put a hoof to his chin in thought. He wasn’t actually taking my idea seriously, was he?

“Er, Minister?”

“Mm...a gem-themed restaurant...That would be a convenient way to give the dragons what they want...David, you might be on to something with this!”

Was he...complimenting me?

“I...I am?”

“Elaborate for me. What did you mean by ‘gem-based dishes’?”

“Well, you know, food made from gemstones or with gems in them,” I said, while also trying to think of some things like that on the fly. “Like, what about salad with crushed mineral powder instead of parmesan cheese, or a cake studded with gems in the frosting?”

“Yes...unconventional by pony logic, but potentially ingenious by dragon logic. But who could prepare such dishes?”

“Well, I heard the Cakes once made a cupcake with sapphire frosting for Spike’s birthday,” I said.

“Intriguing,” said Ironmane. “That could prove useful, but who would be able to find the gems to use? I have no doubt the Cakes are bakers of renown, but I have heard nothing of any gem-finding prowess.”

I still couldn’t believe he was accepting this insane train of logic, but he saw merit in it, and he was wiser than me. Besides, didn’t I already know a pony who could help in this, somepony who knew a lot about gems?

...Yes, I did!

“Well, sir, I know one pony in Ponyville who’s well-versed in jewels.”

“And who might that be?”

“Sparkler Hooves, eldest daughter of mailmare Derpy Hooves. She works as the jeweler in town.”

“A jeweler? ...Now why didn’t we think of that? Do you suppose she’d be agreeable to a meeting with Brutus?”

“I’m not sure, sir. I’ll have to ask her myself, and I’ll send you word once I do so.”

“Thank you, David. Princess Celestia and the rest of the council shall be notified of your contribution to this debate.”

“R-Really?” I asked, feeling embarrassed at such praise. “Well, gosh, it was nothing, sir.”

“Nothing?” he asked, sounding almost incredulous. “If this plan goes through, it could mean the resolution of a long-time strain between neighboring nations! Surely you can imagine the impact it would have!”

“You mean peace between ponies and dragons? But what about Spike? He’s lived among ponies all his life.”

“He is a thankful exception to the divide between our races, but he was raised among ponies. What I mean is unity between ponies and dragons who have never had interaction with our kind. Years of mistrust brought to a unanimous end!”

“Oh. Yeah, that would be something.”

"I’ll come see you with an update of the situation. Good day, David.”

“Until next time, sir.”

As Ironmane walked away, however, I heard him say to himself,

“If this does work, I may have a chance to attend Octavia’s next concert after all.”

So Minister Ironmane liked Octavia’s music as much as Fluttershy? Maybe I could get two sets of tickets to her concert. I just hoped I could afford it...


***


After lunch, I knocked at the door of their home. This time, it was Bon Bon who answered, probably to keep Lyra from playing her password prank.

“Hello, Dave,” she said. “Please, come in. I hope you don’t mind, but we have another guest as well.”

Looking inside, I saw who it was: Rainbow Dash, sitting on the couch and chatting it up with Lyra.

“Swelled up like a melon!” Rainbow was saying. “Out of commission for three days! We had to call in another pegasus to pick up the slack.”

“Sheesh,” murmured Lyra. “What was it?”

“Turns out he was allergic to the pecans in his girlfriend’s cookies. Man, she felt awful that her cooking did that to him, but I heard him say he’s not even mad at her.”

The two looked up as I entered and removed my winter gear.

“Hiya!” said Lyra.

“Hey there, Dave!” said Rainbow. “Fancy seeing you here!”

“I was just about to say the same thing, Rainbow.”

“Lyra told me how you’ve become a piano prodigy, so I thought I’d see it for myself.”

“Oh? Do you play piano?”

“Eh, my dad tried to have somepony tutor me when I was a filly, but it didn’t work out. It’s just as well. I didn’t wanna be another frilly-dressed little show-filly performing at recitals.”

“I remember my first recital,” said Lyra, fondly. “I was so nervous, but I played my piece anyway. The crowd loved it...and then I puked in the backstage bathroom.”

“Well, at least it was after the performance,” I said, a little grossed out.

“Yeah. That’d have been messy otherwise...But enough about my stage fright. Let’s get to playing!”

She gestured grandly to the piano bench, which I sat myself down upon. Lyra scooched up beside me, while Bon Bon and Rainbow sat at the couch, watching attentively.

“Show us that human magic again, Dave,” said the unicorn, proudly.

Cracking my knuckles, I set my fingers over the keys. I was ready for that next burst of inspiration to transmit itself into musical beauty.

...The seconds ticked by, and nothing happened.

There was no flash of musical remembrance in my brain, no song that surfaced that could flow to my fingers without effort. It was like there was a door where that inspiration had sprung from last time, but now it was barred shut, and some gorilla-faced bouncer was blocking it off from my mind’s eye.

I could feel the ponies’ eyes on me, waiting.

“What’s the matter, Dave?” asked Lyra. “Play something. We won’t judge.”

“Er…”

Feeling like I might disappoint them if I didn’t do something, I tried to play a slow, easy piece. Unfortunately, the keys I played didn’t flow right. Imagine Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata played by a kitten traipsing across the keys, distracted by a laser pointer. No matter how I strained my brain, nothing came to me. There was no correction, no idea of a song piece, nothing!

“Dude, what happened?” Lyra asked. “You played so well last time.”

“I don’t know,” I said, hopelessly. “Last time, everything just clicked. Now, I feel like I’m trying to tread through raw sewage…”

“Well, we all have our off days,” said Bon Bon, trying to sound positive. “It wasn’t...too bad.”

Rainbow, for her part, was laughing herself silly, kicking her back legs and clutching her belly, her body threatening to fall off of the couch.

“Rainbow Dash!” Bon Bon scolded. “Don’t be so rude!”

“That was hilarious!” said Rainbow. “I really wish I’d been around to hear how it went the first time! I didn’t even know if it would work!”

Wait, what did she mean?

“If what would work?” I asked, turning to face the pegasus.

Rainbow’s laughing died away when she heard me ask, and when she saw the serious look on my face, she became rather sheepish.

“Did I say that? You must have misheard me,” she said.

“Rainbow…” I said, sternly. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“It was just a joke…” Rainbow said, weakly.

“What was a joke?!” I asked.

“And besides, Lyra was the one who gave me the idea!”

Bon Bon and I looked at Lyra, who looked just as surprised as we did.

“I don’t know what she’s talking about!” she said.

“Aw, don’t play innocent,” said Rainbow. “You’re the one who told me Dave was going to start taking piano lessons.” 

“Well, yeah, I did, but what’s that got to do with anything?” asked Lyra.

“It gave me a great idea. I figured I’d try to give the big guy a leg up on the practicing, at least for a little bit, so I went to see Zecora. She’s got a ton of potions, and she recently started making recipes that help ponies become talented at something for a little while. She told me she was inspired by Apple Bloom’s Cutie Pox outbreak. There were a ton on the shelf, so I thought why not one that could let Dave play the piano for a bit? I didn’t know how long it was gonna last, cuz Zecora told me the effects were inconsistent, so I gave it to Dave as soon as I could. I figured it’d be a hilarious prank for him to think he’d mastered piano playing, and then tried to play it again after it wore off!”

“What in the world are you talking about?” I asked. “You never gave me any…”

And that’s when it hit me.

“...The bottle of water...You spiked that with one of Zecora’s potions, didn’t you?!”

“Bingo!” chortled Rainbow Dash. “I wasn’t sure if you’d notice!”

Wow...that was incredibly elaborate. She’d got me good. All I could do was put my face in my hands and groan in exasperation.

“Hey...you’re not mad, are you?” asked Rainbow, sounding much calmer.

“Mad? Well, I don't like the fact that I was deceived like that...but I can't help but appreciate that you wanted to help me. Besides, you got me really well. I never saw it coming."

“Heh, thanks,” said Rainbow, proudly. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ll bet you’re gonna be a real whiz at this. That’s why I wanted to help you along a bit.”

I looked at her. There was total sincerity in her voice and face. She had meant well, even if she did do it rather underhandedly. Er, under-hoofed-ly?

"Just...promise me you won't do it again, ok?" I asked.

"Promise," said Rainbow, going through the motions of a Pinkie Promise.

“Now that that childishness is out of the way,” said Bon Bon, wearily, “can we proceed?”

“Yeah, let’s,” said Lyra. “No more enhancements this time. We work from scratch.”

“Right.”

I was about to start playing, when a thought occurred to me.

“Bon Bon?”

"Yes?" she asked, looking up.

“Do you think it would be possible for me to have a day or two off this week? I need to take a trip to Canterlot.”

Bon Bon didn’t even need time to think about it.

“Funny you should bring that up! I actually have an engagement I have to keep this week, but an exact date hasn’t been set up yet. When I learn more about it, I’ll let you know. And if you’re worrying about having your pay docked, I can give you your wages in advance, and have it payed back at the right time. That sound fair?”

“Very fair!” I said, gratefully. “Thanks, Bon Bon!”

Bon Bon smiled warmly, and Lyra nudged my arm.

“Come on, bro, you ready?”

“Yeah. Let’s try again.”

And for the next hour, I strained along with my practicing, the air in the house filled with bad notes, Lyra’s coaching, and Rainbow’s laughing.

Sunday, December 18
Minister Ironmane: Tickets to Octavia’s concert