“Call” of the Wild
by neutralmilk
“Shining,” the mare’s voice on the other line was trembling. “I’m pregnant.”
Shining Armor stood in the lounge of his and his wife’s glorious crystal castle with his heart racing and what felt like a noose in the back of his throat. He tried to wet his lips but his matchstick tongue felt like it would light up if he licked them anymore.
He had to be calm, he knew. He had to handle this situation before it got out of control – if it hadn’t already.
“Well-” he stopped and cleared his throat in the hopes it would make him seem more confident. He couldn’t relay his weakness. “Why exactly is this my problem?”
A moment of silence. The stallion smirked. Disaster averted.
Suddenly the mare burst out in a high pitched squeal forcing Shining Armor to tear the phone from his face for the sake of his poor eardrums. His diamond blue eyes shifted awkwardly as he waited for the mare to shut her mouth long enough for him to ask the obligatory, “What’s wrong?” that he certainly didn’t want an answer to. After what seemed like an hour, his time came.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, monotone.
A delicate sniffle rung out from the other side. Given the mare’s previous outburst, he welcomed it with a sigh of relief. “Well… You’re the father.”
His heart dropped like Yoko Ono’s record sales following John Lennon’s death. Automatically he lowered the phone and tried to fight back the wave of sadness that was rapidly rising. His stomach had long since twisted into a knot even the most fastidious of Boy Scouts couldn’t undo. Shining Armor automatically brushed his streaked blue hair back and brought the phone back to his face.
“Hello?” the mare was asking to the dead air.
He wanted so desperately to hang up the phone, but his kind nature wouldn’t let him. Sweet Celestia, how he wished he could be one of those bad ponies he’d seen on TV. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with this. Or wouldn’t care enough to do so, anyway.
“Shining?” her voice called out again.
“Y-yeah, I’m here. Listen, how do you know I’m the… well, the dad?” He found himself whispering the last word, even though Cadence was out at the spa or whatnot. It stung his throat when he finally managed to push it out. “Especially considering we only… well, you know, once.”
The mare started speaking, but Shining Armor’s attention instantly faded. Each word the mare said filled him fuller and fuller with regret until he was on the verge on tears. The very idea that this stupid mistake could ruin his life with the mare of his dreams left him feeling empty; he was just a hollow shell of the stallion he used to be.
You cheated on Cadence!? He could hear his mom’s voice screaming in his head. After all those years of dating? After the years of training in the Royal Guard? After that fabulous wedding in Canterlot presided by Celestia herself!?
Shining Armor felt as if he was shrinking, which would have been preferred. At least at this point he could have run and hid from his problems. He felt tears stream down his cheeks as the assault continued from his imaginary mother and the mare on the other line.
You could have least used protection, you idiot!
He paused.
“Protection.” He found himself mumbling as he readjusted his posture. That one night those few months ago… Had he worn a condom? He wasn’t the type of stallion to go bareback. In fact, “Saddle up” was a motto of his back in college…
He shook the memories from his head. Not right now.
“…So that’s why I’m thinking we should move to Appleoosa with Baby Geoffrey. What do you think, Shining?” the mare had asked, apparently oblivious to Shining Armor’s disengagement.
A moment of silence passed that felt to the stallion like an eternity. He was unsure how to proceed, but the seething rage boiling inside of him was impossible to ignore.
“Shining?” the mare asked again.
“How are you pregnant?” Shining asked finally. He felt as if he had been teleported to the equator – his whole body was sweating and he was burning up. Shining Armor took a hoof to his brow and wiped the sweat before it got into his eyes.
“What the hell are you talking about?” the mare’s voice had taken on a tinge of annoyance, which only made Shining Armor angrier. “You and I had sex. Remember? You want me to break it down? I know this is a lot of stuff to take in at once, but seriousl-”
“I mean,” he interrupted, his tone betraying his anger. “How are you pregnant with my child when I was wearing a… well a condom?” He found himself having difficulty saying the last word with conviction. He hoped silently that his weakness did not show and he could catch the dastardly mare in a web of lies before it was too late.
“I-I… well…” she stuttered over the phone. Smiling, Shining Armor was ready to hang up the phone and return to his normal life. “I made it all up!” the mare on the other end burst into tears with such noise that Shining Armor feared it would be audible throughout the castle.
The stallion automatically took to consoling her, the ire dissipating almost immediately. “Hush, hush!” he pleaded, his voice soothing and caring. “There’s no need to cry! You’ve told the truth now. I forgive you.” He knew he would never be able to forgive her, but in his desperation he was ready to promise anything.
“No, I’m terrible!” she shouted back between her sobs. “Look how I tried to lie to you! I’m such a bitch!” Shining Armor pictured her face and tried to imagine it bloated with tear-stained eyes and a bit of snot dribbling from her snout. He shook his head in disgust.
“No you’re not.” His voice cooed. “I’m sure you had your reasons.” His calm demeanor seemed to be calming the mare from the other line. Shining Armor had a smile of relief on his face. It took some serious effort, but the disaster had been successfully diver-
“Well,” she began, pausing briefly to blow her nose. “I think it’s time I told you everything.”
The stallion’s heart sank like the Titanic after a particularly frigid night.
“Shining Armor, I lied to you because, well, I… I think I’m in love with you.”
He was unsure how to respond; he had not expected this in the slightest.
“I figured if I were pregnant,” she continued. “That maybe you would, you know, choose to be with me instead of her. Your wife, I mean.”
Her words should have left Shining Armor enraged, but instead he felt surprisingly at ease with this confession. In fact, he noticed that a smile was slowly growing on his face. This mare was always up to something interesting – one of the reasons he became attracted to her in the first place.
“Look, I’m really sorry about this. I really should’ve known better than to call you. This was stupid.”
“Heh, yeah.” Shining Armor agreed, rubbing his free hoof awkwardly against the back of his neck. It was a horrible way to try and win him over, but something about it seemed endearing – albeit mildly creepy. Cadence would have never tried this hard to win him. She was always a goody-two-shoes.
“I mean c’mon, you’re a happily married stallion! Your wife is a princess for Celestia’s sake!”
It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, he found himself thinking. And it was the truth. If it had been, he wouldn’t have gone after this mare in the first place. Shining Armor felt almost like a second-class pony around his wife and company. She was royalty. He, well, not so much.
“Anyway,” the mare continued. “I don’t want to be a home-wrecker. We had our fun, but now it’s time for me to try and move on. Goodbye Shining Armor.”
And with that, the mare was out of his life forever. Or she would have been if the stallion in question didn’t shout in protest.
“Wait, please!” he practically begged. He had no clue where this emotion was coming from. He had never been this passionate before. “You don’t need to go.” He listened intently to hear if she had hung up already. Her breathing on the other line seemed to prove otherwise. He took this as a sign to continue. Unfortunately, he had no idea what he was doing.
“What you did was… stupid.”
“Goodbye Shini-”
“No! Just listen! I’m not sure what to even say here. While it was stupid, it was still sincere. Nopony has ever done something that rash or interesting for me. You’re interesting. Crazy, yes, but still interesting.” As he spoke, he felt his heart fluttering in a manner he had never before. A rush of excitement and nervousness flooded him, sending his blood rushing through his body rapidly.
He had to listen to his body. There was no way he could hide from the truth any longer. His life with Cadence was not only imperfect, but also not the life he really wanted to live. He sought excitement and originality. He wanted to be an equal, not a glorified man-servant. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re amazing. And I love you too.”
Shining Armor heard excited squeals over the other line of the phone, but didn’t respond to them. In fact the smile on his face had dropped into the most fixed of frowns. For there standing before him in the doorway was his wife, the Princess of Love herself: Cadence.
“Who are you talking to?” she asked, eyeing her husband cautiously.
Shining Armor could feel the sweat forming on his face as he desperately attempted to piece together any words that would fit. Unfortunately, none did. Princess Cadence slowly trotted to her husband.
“Honey,” she began in a kind yet firm tone. “Who are you talking to?”
He remained silent and obediently handed the phone over to his wife. This was it. He was finished. He stared down at the floor in defeat as he heard the excited squeals of the mare fade after the change of hooves.
“Hello?” Cadence asked, her face betraying her confusion. “Uh huh. Uh huh. I see.” She turned to stare at Shining Armor. He refused to meet her gaze. “Ah yes, the reunion! Well I’m sure we’ll both be going, thank you. Well it’s been nice talking to you. Uh huh. You too. Bye.”
And with that, the phone was on the receiver once again. Princess Cadence gently wrapped her forelegs around Shining Armor and kissed his forehead. She smiled at him warmly.
“So honey, what were you and your sister talking about?”