//------------------------------// // Oh Man, is it Hot in Here or What? // Story: Dude, What the FFFF!! // by Vallis //------------------------------// Hot steaming shit. Joe and I pretty much got the golden ticket. Fuckin' rooms in the castle, all the food we fuckin' want, these ponies take hospitality to a whole new level. Seriously, if I was douchebag enough (or drunk enough), I could've asked them for a blowjob and would've gotten it on the spot! Oh, did I tell you that I also had this huge mindfuck? So Celestia and I were talking, and dude I sai- Whoa wait wait wait, let's chill and rewind for a sec. Excitement got the best of me. Well, that was a... pleasant experience. After getting full body checks by the guards (and getting my jimmies rustled), we made our way in and were taken in no time by who I assumed was an advisor/counselor/whatever of the princesses. As expected in 'high society' cities like this place, she wasn't so bright. Or talkative... or pleasant. Cunt had the nerve to scoff when I just wanted to know how her day was... gees. Think having your panties in a twist is bad? God, she probably had her's in a full nelson. "Well, here we are. They await for you in there." She pointed her hoof at said door, which I might add, was a swanky-as-hell door. Shawty, I never thought a door could be so filled with shwag. Big, gold, mahogany, silver, chrome, 20 inch rims, everything. Then It got me thinking of just who exactly I was about to talk to. The princesses of Equestria. Dude, they're fucking goddesses or some shit. Now mind you, I'm not that dead-brained. I didn't just waltz down the whole way like some idiot. No no, I saw all those glass stained windows, along with a few museum looking cases that held weapons and nicnacs from long ago defeated threats of Equestria or something. I've never felt so humbled before. Never knew just what exactly people meant about feeling like an ant either... until now. Boy did I feel smaller and smaller as I got closer to the door. Yah. That's right. You're hearing this from the guy who use to face death everyday while riding a superbike through traffic at 170 for 'fun'. The cunt lady did the honors of opening the door for me and my friends, and we spent no time going right in. We walked into what looked like some large private library/astronomy looking room, and there were the princesses. The protectors and rulers of Equestria, royalty, goddesses with tiaras... just sitting there casually as they looked through a telescope at the balcony. I instantly recognized two of them, the white and dark blue ones... but purple one was new though. I didn't see her on any of the stained glass windows. Although, there was that one with the 6 ponies shooting some light at the weird lanky looking fellow that looked like a 4 year old's 'Frankenstein' toy. Y'know, the one toy that we all had where we pulled out all the body parts and mix n' matched it with others. If you never did that, you had no childhood. Cough ...Anyway. Now, for some stupid reason when I zone out, I look at the most idiotic places that no one would ever look at normally. During the time that I zoned out trying to figure out who the purple princess was, my eyes ended up observing the white one's cutie mark. The sun. Made sense. She was the solar goddess. But then I barely heard the little voice in the back of my mind. You're looking at her ass. Still trying to figure out who the purple one is as I stare at the white one's cutie mark... Hey fucknut, you're staring at her ass. I think the purple one could be from that stained glass of 6 ponies that I mentioned earlier. I think there was a purple unicorn... Jesus, you're practically eyeballing it. ...Wait, what? Her ass you moron, you're gawking right at it like an art critic. Oh. OH SHIT She turned. Oh fuck fuckity fucksicles, did I move my eyes away in time?! Oh ssshhhhit, I'm looking at her dead in the eyes now. Why is she looking at me like that. Oh nonono, there's four of us, and she's looking at me like that. I wasn't even doing it on purpose, I SWEAR. This kind of shit just happens to me, you gotta believe me. Oh, fuck. Oh god, did it just get hot in here? Shit, my face is on fire. Wait, what- what're... why are Joel, Zecora, and Spike leaning down towards the ground? OH, PFT SH-FFF-TITS!! Bow bow bow bow bow, just bow Chris just bow. We have a chance, just BOWDAMNIT. "Welcome back, Joel! Also, greetings to our new guests. Oh, Spike hello!" The solar princess greeted with ease. It was so casual too. Everyone rose, me being the last one to rise. Quite awkwardly. I was trying my best not to look at any of the princesses in the eyes, but I'm pretty damn sure the damage was done with the solar princess. Sound didn't exist for a few seconds as I just stared into the corner of the room, occasionally seeing my friends do a few gestures and movements here and there. Or, so I thought it was a few seconds. I looked like a deer in the headlights the whole time until I felt a firm hand fall on my back. "And... as you can see, we've got a situation. Care to take the story from here bro?" Joel grinned. Okay, get yourself together Chris. "Uh-... th-the one about the three little.. pigs?.." I responded meekly. Smooth. Luckily my bro recovered for me, acting casual about it. "Oh, y'know, what happened with you and Zecora. How exactly you ended up being..." He motioned his hand as if he was displaying me. "This?" "Oh. Well, um..." Queue stupid cliche nervous looking scratch on forearm. Just don't look her in the eye. Easy enough. "Zecora, who's my friend here," I pointed a hoof back at the zebra. "She was kind enough to take me in while I was in really bad conditions. She also took her own time and resources to take care of my wounds, but unfortunately in the midst of it, there was a mishap with a few potions and... well. Here I am." I smiled, still a bit nervous though. Charm wasn't on my side at the moment. Joel picked up the story again, sound disappearing once more as I looked around nervously. But then of all the things, I ended up looking right back into the solar goddess's eyes. I don't know if it was the feeling that she was looking at me, or if it was just me being really self conscious, but there we were again, staring contest in progress. The warmth on my face came back as I tried my best to give a friendly grin. Then, for the first time, she acknowledged me with a small smile. And lawdy, was that one gorgeous smile. I felt much more calm now, the rest of the time being much more easier for me to talk when Joel needed me to fill in a few blanks about our amazing adventure. "So... once again. Thank you princesses, for your help. The hospitality that everyone's shown so far is just... in truth, really shocking. In a good way of course." Joel finished it with a smile. Man, I don't know what got into him, but he's been awfully calm about everything now that I think about it. "It's not a problem at all, guys. It's the least we can do." The white goddess gave her radiant smile again. I said it once and I'll say it again, it was gorgeous. Holy shit, am I falling for-?... ... Nahh. It's easy to mix up feelings and thoughts when you're in the middle of panic mode. "Oh, before I forget! We've met everyone before, but you. We still haven't gotten to introducing ourselves properly yet?" The purple princess suddenly directed it at me. Ah, nice. All three royal pair of eyes on me now. "Oh- uh. Well, as you already know, my name is Christopher, or Chris as I prefer. Any nickname is fine really, just not Christopher, if it's okay with you all." Humble was my middle name at the moment. "Ah, it's a pleasure, Chris! My name is princess Twilight Sparkle. However, just Twilight would be nice, if you don't mind. I've yet to get accustomed to... all this." She shook her wings a little, also subtly pointing towards her royal attire allover at the same time. That definitely makes alot more sense now. She must've been given the position not that long ago. Makes alot of sense out of the size difference too. "It's a pleasure, Twilight." I acknowledged her with a nod. I moved my eyes to the dark blue one now. "Princess Luna, but if it makes you comfortable, feel free to call me Luna. We want the best for our guests." She smiled. It was just as gorgeous too, giving me an inner sense of comfort. Also, I wasn't looking at her ass, so y'know, it was easier looking at her in the eyes. I acknowledged her with a nod aswell, throwing in a small smile. "Thank you, Luna. Truly. It's really nice to finally know the name of who helped my friend here. He's like a brother to me." "So I've heard." She gave a grin to Joel. He smirked. D'aww, I'm definitely going to poke at him now with this. Now, to the final one... I moved my eyes over to the last princess, trying my best not to gulp or do any subtle thing that would give any unnecessary suspicions. "Princess Celestia, and the same as Luna said. Feel free to call me Celestia. I have absolutely no problem with it." Celestia. Now, there's a name that rings the fuck out of my Jamais Vu bell. Unfortunately, it didn't give me any type of memory recollection. It's been rough so far... I liked her name though. "If you don't mind, can I get back to lunch? I didn't get to take more than one bite out of my sandwich." Joel chuckled as his stomach rumbled right on time. "Of course! Luna, would you mind showing Joel back?" Celestia asked her sister. "I'll show Chris to the room he'll be staying in meanwhile." Say what. Man, can't Twilight do it? The conversation along the way between me and Celestia is going to just be absolutely awkward. Call it a hunch. Luna already began making her way with Joel, so there went that option. "Zecora, you're more than free to stay for today? It's a long trip back to Ponyville." YES, Zecora, I need a wingman! "That is fine, princess. There is no need. I would just like to catch up with my old friend Twilight here, and make my way back home after." She smiled. "Thank you for the offer, though." FFFFFUCK. "Okay then, have a good one!" Celestia smiled back. I simply stood still, accepting my fate. "Well, let's get going shall we?" She chimed, looking at me in the eye again. Face it. She's going to bring up the ass thing. I'm done. For the most part, half the walk was pretty silent as I pretended to keep my attention at the many decorations that adorned the entire castle. Unexpectedly, I decided to break the ice though. I thought that I might aswell be straight out with it, and get it over with. "I'm sorry." I said it straight out. It undoubtedly got her attention. "For?" She questioned. "...Y'know." She only stared. "I'm afraid I'm lost. Enlighten me please?" Man. "Well, y'know. We came in the room... you turned... and..." "Yes?" "I didn't mean it, I swear it wasn't intentional-" "Wait, what are you-" "I just have this worst luck that when I zone out I look at the wrong things-" "Slow down, I don't understa-" "I respect the opposite sex, honest!" "Calm down, Chris. What's the fuss about?" She giggled as she stopped trotting. I stopped, turning back to look at her. I took a deep breath in, and sighed. "...I'm sorry for gawking at your ass. But it's not what it looked like!" She paused for a second, a slight tint of red showing on her cheeks. "Is-... Is that what all your fuss was about?" ...Huh. "...Yes?" I slightly cocked an eyebrow. "I was wondering why exactly you were blushing as red as a tomato every time you looked at me. Now it definitely makes sense." She began to laugh. Wut. "Wait... so you... didn't know?" I still struggled putting the pieces together. "Nope! Not at all." She giggled and laughed even more. Queue blush of utter embarrassment for admitting something that I never even had to admit in the first place. We picked up our walk again, and got to the room in almost no time. She opened the door, and levitated the key to me. "So, there's your room. Go ahead and take a look!" She gave me a gentle shove of encouragement. I made my way in... and dayum son. The place is too good for you to even get a description. "Unfortunately, our castle isn't really built for having guests over, so your friend's room is at the other side where Luna is. You'll be staying here at my side." Celestia spoke from the corridor outside of my room. I made my way out, closing the door behind me. "My room will be right down there." She pointed down to a large door that was at the end of the spacious corridor, her cutie mark engraved in stone right above the door. "Hope you don't mind staying at the opposite side of where your friend is residing at? If you want, I can-" "Oh no no no, not a problem at all. Honest." I shook my head, being genuinely happy with the room I was going to stay in. For a second, she grinned at me, and then looked around. "So... liked what you saw?" She asked. "Oh, definitely. Absolutely perfect. I could look at it everyday and still be in awe everytime. It's honestly a one of a kind." I honestly was pretty hyped that I was going to get to stay in a room like that. All I can say is, I wish I could pay rent to live in that room so I could never leave. I heard giggles. I looked up to Celestia, only to find her holding a hoof to her mouth as she giggled her royal ass off. "My my, I didn't know my flank was that stunning." ... Celestia: 1 Chris: 0