//------------------------------//
// A Dog and Pony Show 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	“Check this out, Spike.”
“What have you got there?”
“Flint.  See how it naturally tapers down to a sharp point?”
“Um, that looks kind of dangerous, Valiant.”
“Thank you, but it gets better.  I managed to attach a handle to it.  Watch what happens when I strike it on this piece of metal.”  I brought the makeshift knife down on a scrap left over from the robot construction process.  The result was a shower of sparks.
“That’s pretty cool,” said Spike.  “Wouldn’t it be easier to have a little piece of flint and hit that with the metal?”
“Well, maybe.  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  Those of us who can’t spit fire have to improvise.”
Rarity burst into the library just then.  “Saphire Shores just visited my shop!  She wants to buy outfits from me!”
“Oh my gosh,” said Spike.  “The pony of pop?”
Rarity nodded.  “I need to find more jewels than ever before to decorate her costumes.  Can you help me, Spike?”
“Sure, I’d love to.”
“Ugh,” I muttered.  I still wasn’t comfortable being a man in a pony body and dealing with interpony relations.  Watching a dragon lusting after a pony was a bit much.
The two of them left.  Apparently, Rarity was good at finding jewels and Spike was good at digging them up.  He had fingers, the lucky bastard.
Now that I thought about it, the very definition of that word was “illegitimate child”.  I had heard that Twilight had hatched him from an egg.  Did Spike have parents?  Did he know them?  For that matter, how come none of the ponies ever talked about their parents?
I was still pondering it when Twilight came in.  “Want to see a trick?” I said.  I struck the flint again, getting another few sparks.
“It’s interesting, but what purpose does it serve?”
“Well, once you miniaturize the technology and add some fuel, you can carry it around as a portable fire starting device.  Call it a lighter.”
“Who needs that?”
“The same people who buy these things called cigarettes which are basically cancer in stick form.”
She shook her head.  “Why would anypony want something like that?
“They ways of humans are mysterious indeed.”
“You still believe that you’re not a pony?”
“We’ve had this discussion before.  Do you have any idea what else I might be?”
“I’ll admit that you’re the most unique pony I’ve ever met, but I still don’t believe that you’re from a different planet.”
“One of these days I’ll do something to convince you.  Just give me time.”  I left the library to go buy new sunglasses.  After that conversation, I was in serious need of a cool boost.
Bright Eyes the optometrist was alone, again.  I wondered if she ever got any business other than me.  I picked up a new pair of shades.
“Do you have a minute?” she asked.
“What did you have in mind?”
“I just…need someone to talk to.”
Against my better judgment, I sat down.  “I’m feeling depressed,” she said.  “Once a pony gets their glasses from me, they never come back.  I feel like I’m a terrible doctor.”
“Well, I’m sorry, I guess.”
“I feel silly talking to you about it.  This isn’t about me, it’s supposed to be about you, the customer.”
“As long as you’re being civil about it, I don’t mind.”
“Thanks.  Say, can you keep a secret?”
“Um, I guess.”
She leaned closer.  “I don’t want to be an optometrist.”
“Well, I suppose neither do I.”
She laughed.  “I always wanted to be a prostitute.”
“I’m…sure you’d be great.”  What else was I supposed to say?
“But you can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t.”
“Thanks.  Here, take the sunglasses free of charge.”
I left the clinic feeling pretty good.  I had just taken on a secret in exchange for free stuff.  I could do that.  If there was one thing I was good at, it was obscuring the truth.
Walking back towards the library, I passed by Sugarcube Corner.  Glancing in the window, I saw Rainbow and Pinkie.  They appeared to be getting some tongue action on each other.  Good Lord, I didn’t even know pony mouths could move that way.
I turned my back to the building and stood in front of the window.  I’d rather not get caught peeping, and figured it would look good if I blocked anyone else from doing the same.
I heard a set of pots and pans get knocked to the floor as they noticed me.  The door slammed open and Rainbow came out, looking flushed.
“How long have you been out here?”
“Not very.  Just long enough to see what it was all about.”
“Pinkie dared me to!  She said she wanted to see what it was like.  I’m secure enough in my own sexuality to be okay with doing it as a favor to a friend.”
“I don’t really care.”
“You’ve got to keep this secret.”
“Okay.  You owe me, though.”
“Sure, just keep your mouth shut.”  Rainbow scuffed the dirt a little with her hoof.  “She tasted like stale chocolate.”
I laughed.  She gave me a dirty look and flew away.
I walked into Sugarcube Corner.  “Oh,” said Pinkie.  “I didn’t really mean for anypony to see that.  I was just curious and Dashie was here, and one thing led to another…”
“She told me about it.”
“Yeah, Rainbow is completely straight.  Well, maybe not.  I mean, she did kiss me back.  Anyway, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are homophobic.  You can’t tell anyone what you saw.”
“I won’t.”
She grinned.  “Let me make you some cupcakes.”
I left happy and stuffed with sugar.  If all the residents of Ponyville were willing to let me keep their secrets in exchange for goodies, I could do that.  Strangest business plan I had ever heard of, but it worked.
When I got back to the library, Spike was there babbling something about Rarity getting kidnapped by dogs.
“We have to go rescue her!” he said.
“All right,” I said, rubbing my hooves together.  “Whose ass do we get to kick this time?”
Twilight gave me a look, but apparently decided that the situation was serious enough to let me go without reprimand.  We gathered up her friends and Spike lead us to where Rarity had disappeared.
“Holy Moly, that's a lot of holeys,” said Pinkie.  And there were.  The entire area looked like a minefield.
The ponies began trying to get down some of the holes, but the dogs filled them in faster from the inside than the ponies could dig.  We would need some serious earthmoving capacity.
Good thing that I had brought along my trusty AJAX-FF.  “Watch this,” I said casually as I engaged the hydraulic manipulators.
The digging went slightly faster than the dogs could fill the hole in.  I heard a startled yelp as I dug through to the bottom and dropped into a system of tunnels that connected all the holes.
A couple of dogs scattered as the AJAX fell into the tunnel.  The ponies and Spike dropped down the hole behind me.  I switched on the robot’s lights.
“These dogs aren’t so tough,” I said.  “It looks like—” I slipped on the sunglasses “—their bark was worse than their bite.” Yeaaahhhhhhh
“All these tunnels... How are we ever going to find Rarity?” wondered Twilight, completely missing my awesome one-liner.
“I know!” said Spike.  “I bet they've taken Rarity down the tunnel with the most gems.”
Within a few minutes, Twilight had figured out how to copy Rarity’s gem-finding spell and we set off.  All the ponies seemed confident, although I couldn’t tell if the reason for that was because they were backed by a giant robot or if they just weren’t scared of dogs.
In not very long, we began hearing Rarity whining about something.  “Let’s go!” shouted Rainbow, charging in.
Rarity was hooked to a cart full of jewels and surrounded by dogs, who were all strangely bipedal and wearing clothes.
They attacked, but it was a very short fight.  I slammed a couple of dogs into the rock walls, and Rainbow and Applejack each knocked one out.  The rest of the dogs ran, leaving us with a pile of jewels and Rarity.
We carted all the swag back to the holes that led to the surface, and there we discovered a problem.  Even with the jump ability, AJAX  wouldn’t be able to get out.
The ponies managed to scramble up out of the holes carrying some jewels with them.  The robot, for all its awesomeness, wasn’t going anywhere.
“You’ve got to leave it,” said Twilight.  “I’ll admit that it did come in handy, but there’s no way to get it out.”
I sighed.  “All right, but there’s no way I’m going to let this thing fall into anyone else’s hands.”  I ripped a couple of hydraulic lines loose and spread the oil over everything.  Some of the reserve coal I added to the mix.  Now I just had to light it up.
The flint knife did not work as advertized.  The sparks weren’t hot enough to catch the thick oil on fire.
“Spike,” I called.  “A little help?”  With a puff of his fire, the whole robot went up in flames.  We climbed out of the hole ahead of a column of smoke.
“Wait a minute,” I said.  I looked at Twilight.  “If you could lift a robot out of a lake with your magic, then how come you couldn’t get one out of a hole in the ground?”
“Um, whoops,” she said.
Twilight Sparkle was suddenly back on the hit list.