I woke up the next morning with a start, realizing something odd. It was Saturday, so why wasn’t I in the head-splitting clutches of a hangover? Panic quickly set in; it’s not natural, I shouldn’t be able to think without my head throbbing on Saturday. Something happened last night, more importantly, I didn’t get to drink last night. It was that mare… uh, B-Bachelor Paris or whatever.
I was willing to bet she took my drink, after all, she didn’t even have the common courtesy to say goodbye after I stormed out of the bar. Someone that inconsiderate would obviously take advantage of poor Lucky while he tried to… I dunno, clean something. I’m fairly certain that I know what happened last night, it went something like this.
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“Good day to you, Lucky. I would like your finest liquor please.” I said eloquently, whilst dusting off my shoulder to keep my suit in prime condition.
“Lemme just dust off the old janglers and i’ll fix you up a proper pippity sipper right quick. How goes the good skeezer dingly donger this time of the year chap?” Lucky said, trying to form complete sentences through his thick accent; bless him.
“Yes.” I replied simply, opting to go for the simpler approach for his sake. He gave me a great beaming grin, and began to pour me a drink. My ears twitched dangerously, prompting me to quickly throw myself and Lucky to the ground to avoid the massive explosion from the far side of the bar. A squad of ninja ponies quickly poured into the breach, led by none other than…
“It is I, Brandy Pinch. Surrender your drinks to me, and prepare to be boarded!” She said, completely disregarding the fact that she had already ‘boarded’ the bar; how unprofessional.
“How’s about we forget about the drinks, and head back to my place.” I said, waggling my eyebrows seductively. Of course, she immediately threw off all of her ninja clothes out of an uncontrollable lust.
“Rats, foiled again by Diflex’s boyish good looks, and charming personality.” She said, flailing her forelegs at the sky for emphasis.
“Don’t feel ashamed, no mare can resist.” I said truthfully.
and then they had sex
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Sometimes, I have to reign myself in and say i’m not that good, but deep down I know...that I am that good. Well with that out of the way, I began to dress myself for the day. Grey coat, amber eyes and mane; I always found it strange that ponies identities were based around their colors. I suppose i’m a little biased though, seeing as all changelings looked practically identical. I exited my bedroom, and made my way to the front door.
My eyes were instantly assaulted by bright, colorful houses and ponies bustling with energy. In the distance, three fillies could be seen crashing into a stall full of apples; I resisted the urge to giggle maniacally at their antics. I don’t hate everything about these ponies, seeing their strange culture of smacking solid objects at high velocities was actually quite interes-
“Hey, over here!” Somepony yelled from the crowd, waving frantically. I looked around for a second before gesturing to myself with my head cocked; this was...unexpected. “Yeah you!” She shouted, the rest of the crowd was starting to take notice. I covered my head slightly, and began to approach the stranger.
“Listen, I don’t know what this is about.” I began, giving the mare a frustrated look. “If you were looking to place an order on a sculpture, you’ll have to wait until Monday.” I took a seat at the table she was sitting at. We appeared to be at some sort of outdoor restaurant.
“Oh, um, I was just hoping to return this.” She said quietly, pulling a bottle of vodka from her saddlebags and placing it on the table.
“...Do I know you from somewhe- wait, you’re that mare from the bar, uh, Barley Hunch, right?” I said, my brain still working to recognize the alcohol.
She gave me perhaps the flattest stare in history, “It’s Berr-”
“Wait, you saved the vodka?!?!” I nearly shouted, giving her an incredulous look. Who passes up a free bottle of alcohol that isn’t potentially poisoned? We were definitely getting some stares now, and the few parents around didn’t look all too happy.
“Yes, I ‘saved’ the vodka.” She said, her previous shyness wearing off as she realized the level of stupidity she could be dealing with.
I didn’t need to hear another word, I quickly tackled her with a hug so fierce there was a good chance it’d hospitalize her. You may be asking yourselves why a changeling would ever hug a pony, and it may have to do with the fact that I was just a tad bit attached to drinking. Don’t get the wrong idea here, I did it for the vodka, I always do it for the vodka.
Alright, now we were getting some VERY awkward stares.
“Was any of that really necessary?” She asked, venom dripping from her voice as she shot metaphorical daggers at me, (and possibly physical daggers, if I didn’t stop smirking at her from across the table.)
“Do I look like the kind of stallion who hands out unnecessary hugs in public?” I asked, holding my precious bottle protectively.
She sighed, “I seriously need to move out of this town.” The exasperation in that statement creating a pit in my chest, as the relation to my own predicament became all too obvious.
“You and me both ma’am.” I said dejectedly, regaining some composure and dropping the smirk from my face. The restaurant around us was beginning to fill up with customers, and the staff was becoming much more active in their struggle to accommodate the new crowd.
“Morning to you sir; ma’am.” Said a voice belonging to a well dressed waiter, emerging from the flock of new arrivals. “May I have your orders?” He asked politely.
“Actually, I was just leaving.” I said matter-of-factly, standing up from my cushion.
“What's the matter?” The mare, whose name i’d yet to pin, asked.
“I’m afraid I didn’t bring my bit-bag with me, sadly.” I answered, turning around and preparing to leave the now bustling courtyard.
She rolled her eyes, “Just take a seat, it’s on me.” She said casually. My eyes bugged out of my head, causing her to snicker.
“Uh, well alright then...I guess.” My voice betrayed my confusion. Was she being serious right now? Regardless, we both ordered sandwiches, and the waiter ducked out of our conversation to give us some privacy. My raised eyebrow was enough indication that I wanted answers to her strange ‘change of heart’.
“You didn’t expect me to just let you go; I have questions of my own, afterall.” She said with a new air of confidence. This mare was very on and off with her little bouts of courage.
“Listen, uh…”
“Berry Punc-”
“BERRY PUNCH! So that’s your name.” I knew it, I was just teasing her before; obviously. Of course, I did just yell it out overenthusiastically in a public place.
“Are you going to make a job out of embarrassing me?” She said, very quickly rethinking her decision to ‘interrogate’ me.
“More of a hobby, to be honest.” I said cheekily, while simultaneously preparing to dodge silverware, should the need arise. She continued to ask questions throughout the meal, whilst I continued to divert every single one into an unrelated topic. I guess some of our insurgent training paid off. I remembered my instructors old motto: every spoken word will have a price; only trade what you bargained for. Very good advice, even if the guy was a total nut.
Overall, Berry learned nothing, I got a free lunch (that served no purpose other than tasting good), and now it was time to head out for something that would actually keep me from starving. The normally busy streets of Ponyville were quiet, and I could’ve sworn I saw a tumbleweed at some point.
“What do we have here?” Said a horribly familiar voice from behind me; near silent wing beats breaking the silence around us. I should’ve known that she’d show up, seeing as the little stalker liked to catch me alone.
“Get over yourself, the whole ‘dramatic entrance’ thing got old a very long time ago.” I said, resisting the urge to split her in half.
“Wouldn’t want my favorite resident parasite getting bored now, would I?” She said, while I silently prayed that she’d choke on the arrogance in her tone. "I've been chasin' you all day, wasn't hard, you stick out in a crowd like a purple changeling."
What does that even mean!?!?
“I don’t have time for this.” I huffed, “If it’s all the same to you, Miss Dash, i’d appreciate it if you gave me some space; my doctor says i'm allergic to glorified pigeons.” I left her fuming in the middle of the street, and she certainly didn’t deserve any better.
One of these days, Dash, one of these days...