I'll take you on, Tia!
When preparing for combat with another, it is absolutely vital to judge your opponent carefully before formulating a plan to defeat them, as to avoid being surprised when they pull an unexpected maneuver over you. I, however, only know that Tia has had more culinary sampling over the years than I, which already puts me at an extreme disadvantage. Adding onto the fact that my sister looks confident, I can tell that she isn't worried at all about the upcoming battle. She could, of course, be bluffing; however, she could also be well and truly confident that she will best me in the arena. I have very little doubt about the latter being true; after all, I'm pretty sure it took a lot of pie to give my sister the giant rump she has now; it's practically a weapon of mass destruction!
A somewhat worried Luna walked alongside Celestia slowly, trying to gauge her sister's strengths, weaknesses, and possible counter-attacks that she may perform, all for the upcoming challenge that was issued by her sister last night. Luna had been ravenously eating a pie once dinner was eaten, and her sister had made a few remarks that had sparked off an argument between the two. Eventually, in an attempt to prove herself as the better one, Celestia had issued the challenge, and Luna had readily accepted it, though now, Luna was not so sure it was the best course of action she could have taken; after all, the contest was against her sister, who had much more experience in the art of warfare. This challenge was being judged by Rarity, the same judge that was at the dodge-ball competition. She was waiting in the massive dining hall, where pies were located to prove who was the best at eating pie.
Okay...Think positive, Luna! I am NOT going to lose this challenge! I'm already humiliated enough by the dodge-ball contest, and I will not have Tia besting me here! Where as she has experience, I have...Uh...Determination! Yeah! My determination to win will triumph over her experience at eating pie! Maybe! The somewhat encouraging pep-talk that Luna gave herself made her feel a little better at the upcoming trial ahead of her, and with that confidence she pushed pass her sister, who rolled her eyes in exasperation.
"Oh, look who suddenly feels like they can call the shots, now. You better cool off that hot air you're blowing out, Lulu!"
The remark stung Luna, who shot back a retort with much venom in her voice. "Can it, Tia! I'll win this contest and rub it in your face just like you rub cake in your face when no one is looking at you!"
...I'm going to ignore that remark about rubbing cake in my face because it's actually true, and I don't really want to acknowledge the fact that she mentioned it. Celestia raised a brow, attempting to throw her sister off-track by destroying her confidence. "Tell me, why do you feel so confident even though you know you're up against a far more experienced opponent? Do you actually think you have a chance at beating me at a game I have been playing for a long, long time? Don't make me laugh, Lulu, because you just told me a very unfunny joke that is funny when you think too hard about it! That means it's not really a joke at all and complicates things far too much than it should have!"
"The only joke being told around here will be you, once I've won this contest, and it will not be a complicated joke that really isn't a joke! You will not laugh at this joke because the joke's on you! I'll take you on, Tia! Don't you dare forget about the humiliating defeat you will soon suffer from me because I certainly won't let you forget about it anytime soon!"
Perhaps more retorts would have been exchanged between the two if there was time; however, the last set of doors leading into the great dining hall were a few mere feet in front of them. With a mock curtsy, Luna offered her sister the door. "Oh, pluuuuuh-leeeez, excuuuuuuz moi, yuh can opin dah dooooor fuuuuuuurst, I insiiiiiist!"
"What are you, a young foal trying to act like a princess? Well, you are a princess, so cut that out!" Celestia pushed the doors open, revealing a few ponies surrounded by pies of all kinds; the conflicting smells of the combined pies gathered around in such close proximity caused Celestia's sense of smell to go haywire, but she held back her desire to dive into the mountain of pies, and nudged Luna gently. "Let's see who wins this challenge, eh?"
The two alicorns slowly made their way towards a small group of ponies, one of which who sighed as she held out a clipboard. "Well, time for another contest, it seems. Of course it had to be now, when I was visiting Canterlot. Such timing! So much I regret! Wow! Rarity, you have the worst timing when it comes to these trips!"
"You're already much luckier than us; at least you don't have to actually live with them everyday, it's not even safe to look at them, because something bad happens!" Minuette muttered, looking up at the tower of pies that looked like they would fall upon them. "Speaking of things not being safe, I...Don't think it's safe to just have all these pies on top of one another, it looks like a small breeze could topple all this pie on top of us."
Beside the blue unicorn, Heartstrings laughed, waving a hoof over to Luna and Celestia. "Just think of it like jenga, Minuette! Hot, tasty jenga that might crush us under flavourful goodness should we accidentally pick a pie that is out of place and cause an avalanche! I bet you're the one that pulls the wrong pie out!"
With a sigh, Minuette looked over at Rarity with despair. "I have the worst partner ever, that gives the worst encouragement ever, with the worst coat colour in existence. I've been doomed from the start."
"I'm glad I'm not you, Minuette; I'm bothered enough by Sweetie Belle when she comes back home covered in tree sap; I still don't know how this happens every other day." As Celestia and Luna sat down across from each other, Rarity cleared her throat, and began speaking of the rules of the contest that was about to commence. "Alright...Now, this is not a contest to see who can eat the most pies! At least, not just that, because Princess Celestia would have quite the unfair advantage with her experience. My rules are set on a small variety of things to help even the odds here for Princess Luna, but you will still have an advantage, Princess Celestia. I will be scoring based on your eating form, how quickly you can eat a pie, and your ability to adjust to different flavours of pie on the fly. Literally. Minuette and Heartstrings here will be tossing pies of various flavours at you, and you must catch them with your hooves. There are other things I will be scoring, but are of low point value, such as what you do with the pie tin afterwards. No magic is allowed, and the first to forfeit for whatever reason is the loser, which means I proclaim the other as the winner, unless you both happen to forfeit at the same time, at which I will call a draw and ask to commence the contest at another time, when the chefs feel like baking thousands of pies again. Are you two ready to begin?"
With a nod of agreement from both alicorns, Rarity blew on her whistle, beginning the epic pie-eating contest. As instructed, Minuette and Heartstrings flung pies at Celestia and Luna, respectively, with differing results. Celestia caught the pie cleanly, and immediately began munching through it, whereas Luna's attempt was...Not as 'clean'. She did not raise her hooves up as fast as one should have when catching such a delicious projectile, which resulted in the pie splattering across her coat, causing Celestia to snort with laughter as she was eating her pie. Heartstrings tossed another pie at Luna, who managed to catch this pie and begin her task of eating through the pie with much energy, trying to make up for lost time.
Rarity watched the two alicorns intently, both of whom were eating through their pies very quickly, messily, and efficiently, each eager to try and outdo the other. So far, there was no clear winner in sight, though she suspected that something eventful would happen soon. "Another pie for Celestia...Another pie for Luna...Another pie for Celestia...Another for...No, wait, Luna smashed her pie into Celestia's face and now a fight is breaking out...Again..."
An annoyed Heartstrings looked over at Rarity before tossing another pie at Luna, who caught it gracefully before attempting to bludgeon her sister with it. "Is it really necessary for you to narrate every single thing that happens during this contest?"
With a huff of irritation, Rarity watched as the fight broke out, waiting for the two alicorns to stop fighting each other for the tenth time before beginning to tally more information about the pies that they've eaten (and was now beginning to tally how many pies they wasted by using them to attack the other). "It helps me concentrate on the task at hoof!"
"Ignore her," Minuette said, tossing another pie for Celestia, who used the pie as a shield from Luna's assault. "Heartstrings just gets annoyed by endless droning about stuff that doesn't need to be repeated, everypony does at some point; though I didn't think that Heartstrings would be so upfront and rude about it. Anyway, how many pies have the two eaten for the contest and wasted in these fights?"
"Well," Rarity began, not bothering to take a look down at her clipboard, "Ignoring the outburst your partner made-"
Heartstrings interrupted, frowning at the two unicorns. "You gotta admit, it's true!"
"...I can't really say for sure because I doubt the two of you will keep track of how many pies the two are slinging around at each other which will throw off my counting rhythm, but I can say with certainty that at least two-hundred pies have been eaten, and about five-hundred of those pies have been wasted in their fighting. We still have about three-thousand pies left in the dining hall, and, assuming that the chefs used their special magical cooking fire that keeps things nice, fresh and warm longer than usual, the contest should run about another hour before the pies begin to grow cold, at which point I will stop the contest because I don't want our princesses to hit each other with pies that are cold and solid like a rock."
"Huh," Minuette muttered, tossing another pie into the fray, "I didn't think they used that many pies while fighting each other. I mean, sure, a lot of pies flew, but...five-hundred and counting? They're like big foals."
"Once you've considered the foalish things they've done in the past, I'd say your example of them was spot on, Minuette," Heartstrings remarked, pulling out a pie to toss at Luna. In doing so, she heard felt the ground shake slightly, and looked over at the other two unicorns, hoping that they had some idea of what just happened. "You two feel that?"
"Hmm?" Minuette looked at her partner, curious as to what she was talking about. "Feel what, Heartstrings?"
"The ground shook. Is an earthquake happening?"
"...No. I don't think so, otherwise I would have felt it. You're just crazy, Heartstrings."
"...Huh." Heartstrings pulled out another pie, and this time, the rumbling was more noticeable and louder, causing Minuette to sigh and rub her head gently with a hoof.
If there is anything, anything wrong with my prediction, I'm going to eat a pair of deep-fried socks dipped in ketchup and topped with chocolate ice cream. I hate chocolate ice cream. "Let me guess, Heartstrings, your prediction of our current situation is similar to jenga, which you mentioned earlier, you just so happened to pull out the wrong pie or pies, and we're gonna get buried underneath a bunch of pies, aren't we?"
Heartstrings looked up to see the mountain of pies swaying from left to right, and nodded slowly as it began to tip over. "Yep, seems about right, Minuette."
Well, it looks like we'll never know if Celestia or Luna is the better pie eater now. "Ugh. I hope this umbrella helps to migrate the damage done to me," Rarity muttered, as she used her magic to unfold an umbrella over herself. "I just bought this thing, too." Upon seeing the looks that Minuette and Heartstrings gave her, she turned her back on them, and watched as the first few pies beginning to make their way towards them. "I must be fabulous, even if I must suffer through this calamity!"
Soon, everything was buried underneath pie.