//------------------------------// // IX:You're a Dead Colt, Caps Lock // Story: CAPS LOCK // by Final Draft //------------------------------// After his unfortunate encounter with Pinkamena, Caps Lock had slunk back to the shadows. He watched as his intended targets helped clean up the mess he’d worked so hard to make. From now on, I’m going after them, not any crazy pink psychopaths, he decided. Suddenly, he became aware he wasn’t alone. He turned to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon standing behind him…grinning. “Oh, hello Craps Lock,” Diamond Tiara greeted him, smiling and rolling her eyes. She began laughing and Silver Spoon joined in. Caps Lock narrowed his eyes and slowly asked, “The Hell you just call me?” “Craaaaaps Lock,” Diamond Tiara repeated slowly. “I’m sorry, what?” Caps Lock asked, putting his hoof up to his ear. “I said, CRAPS LOCK!” “Uh, one more time, I can’t hear you over all the SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH!” The two fillies backed up after hearing the four-letter S-word. It was one of the words their parents used and told them not to repeat. “That’s…That’s a bad word!” Silver Spoon stuttered, pointing to Caps Lock. “Yeah! We’re telling on you!” Diamond Tiara shouted. “To who? No pony gives a shit what you two little whores have to say,” Caps Lock said angrily. “Get out of here before I wreck you.” Diamond Tiara looked to Silver Spoon nervously. “What’s a whore?” she whispered. Silver Spoon shrugged. “It must be something bad,” she replied. “Call him a whore!” “Well, you’re a whore!” Diamond Tiara shouted, looking back to Caps Lock. Caps Lock shook his head and covered his eyes with one hoof. He lowered his hoof to look back at Diamond Tiara and said, “Looks like Caps Lock is gonna have to PWN a filly.” He took a deep breath and approached his target, fire in his eyes. “You must have been an accident; your parents didn’t want you, but your dad was too stupid to pull out, so instead of winding up as a stain on the sheets, you managed to congeal in your mom’s disease-ridden stallion-trap. “By the time your mom realized she was fatter than usual, it was too late for an abortion. So she tried smoking and binge drinking, so you may just come out dead. What she got was the retarded filly that stands before me, whose only talent in life must be passing out hoof-jobs, because no pony would want their junk near your mouth. If they did, it’s so they wouldn’t have to hear you cry while they plowed you.” Caps Lock stood nose to nose with Diamond Tiara and stared into her eyes angrily. His eyes glanced up to her tiara and quickly back down. “You’re daddy’s little princess though, right? Buys you a lot of nice things? Touches you in your ‘special place’ and tells you not to tell mommy?” “Stop it!” Diamond Tiara cried out, tears welling up in her eyes. “Why are you saying all these things?!” “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?!” Caps Lock shouted. Diamond Tiara began all out crying and fled from the colt. He watched her run away, feeling a sense of self-accomplishment. Silver Spoon remained frozen in place and Caps Lock slowly turned to her. “You want yours now?” “M-m-my mom said I was a ‘happy surprise’,” Silver Spoon stuttered, fearing she may be called an accident as well. She ran off to join her friend, leaving Caps Lock feeling extremely satisfied. “Thank you sooooo much for helping me!” an annoying, high-pitched voice said from behind Caps Lock. He turned to see the pink mare and the blank flanks had completely cleaned up the town. “No problem, Pinkie Pie!” Sweetie Belle said happily. She, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo all looked to their flanks, hoping a “mess cleaning” cutie mark would appear. When it didn’t, they all looked down in disappointment. “At least now that Caps Lock is dealt with, we can finally get back to crusading!” Scootaloo shouted. The fillies’ expressions turned hopeful and they turned to leave. Pinkie Pie held out three ‘rocket ship’ lollipops as rewards for their help. “Take one for the road!” she shouted, offering them out to the fillies. “No thanks, Pinkie Pie,” Apple Bloom laughed, turning away from the offer. “Come on, girls! Let’s go see if Apple Jack has anythin’ for us to do!” Caps Lock hid in the shadows until the three fillies had passed by. “Dealt with?” he asked himself aloud. “Bitch, I ain’t begun to fight!” He crept out of his hiding place and began following the CMC at a distance. The fillies eventually became aware of his presence, and they kept on walking. “He’s right behind us,” Sweetie Belle whispered. “Let’s just keep moving, maybe he won’t—” “Where are you fags going?” Caps Lock shouted. “Go away!” Apple Bloom shouted in reply. Caps Lock shouted, “FAGS!” in response. “What’s a fag?” Apple Bloom asked the other fillies. Scootaloo replied, “It must be another one of his weird insults, let’s just ignore him.” “FAGGY FAG FAGGOTS!” Caps Lock continued on. “Cut it out, Caps Lock!” Sweetie belle yelled. “FAAAAAAAAAGS!” The commotion from the four ponies eventually drew the attention of a low flying pegasus. Scootaloo saw a shadow sweep across the ground, and she looked up to see none other than Rainbow Dash. “Everything all right here?” the blue pegasus mare asked. Caps Lock looked at Rainbow Dash and his jaw dropped. “Oh…my…Celestia…Look at this fag! Look at your fuckin’ mane! You’re out loud and proud, aren’t ya?” “What’s a fag? Rainbow Dash asked, turning to the fillies out of confusion. “We don’t know! But he’s always saying and doing mean things, so it must be something bad!” Scootaloo explained, wrapping her hooves around Rainbow Dash’s leg and looking into her eyes. Rainbow Dash looked over to Caps Lock and her eyes narrowed. “So is he a bully?” she asked. “He’s something called a troll,” Sweetie Belle answered. “AND YOU’RE ALL FAAAAAGS!” Caps Lock shouted. Rainbow Dash flared her wings and slowly trotted over to the obnoxious colt. Caps Lock didn’t back down. He looked up at the pegasus and gave her the biggest, goofiest smile he could. All Rainbow Dash could do was try to make the most intimidating face she was capable of. “You look like you have a stick up your ass,” Caps Lock laughed, pointing at Rainbow Dash’s “angry face.” “As a Wonderbolt-in-training, I’m not allowed to hurt you, but if I wasn’t—” “Wonderbolts are gay. Only queers like you would want to be one,” Caps Lock interrupted. “What did you say?” Rainbow Dash asked, scratching at the ground with her hoof. The CMC instantly recognized Caps Lock’s ploy. “Don’t let him make you mad, Rainbow!” Apple Bloom shouted. “Call him a skank!” Scootaloo suggested. Rainbow Dash pronounced the word slowly to herself. “Where are you getting all these words?!” she asked after realizing she didn’t know what a fag, or a troll, or a skank were. “Oh, so you’re dumb and ugly?” Caps Lock said with a sneer. Rainbow whipped her head around to look at the colt once more. Her nostrils flared and her eye began to twitch. The CMC watched and sighed, wishing the pony with the shortest temper had stayed out of the ordeal. Caps Lock began wondering what his new opponent’s breaking point was. He felt he was close, but it wasn’t about the destination, it was about the journey. If he was lucky, he could drag this out for an hour or two, he thought to himself. “Get out of the way noob,” Caps Lock said, literally pushing Rainbow Dash out of his face. “I’m working here.” He trotted toward the CMC, walking around Rainbow Dash every time she landed in front of him. “No! You leave them alone!” Rainbow shouted. He continued to ignore her until he was face-to-face with Sweetie Belle. “So...You ever stick that horn up your friend’s va—” “I said leave them alone!” Rainbow Dash shouted, spinning the colt around. Caps Lock instantly dropped to the ground and began crying. “My shoulder! My shoulder!” he wailed, clutching onto his right shoulder. “She broke it!” Rainbow Dash looked around nervously, afraid somepony may have witnessed her act. It never occurred to her that the colt was faking. Before the CMC could warn Rainbow Dash, she had placed herself over the colt for a better view of his shoulder. “I’m sorry! Shhhh! Shhhhhh!” Rainbow Dash whispered, trying to think of a way out of the situation. The moment she looked away from Caps Lock, he grinned and brought his rear hoof up with extreme force. It connected with a very sensitive part of Rainbow Dash’s mare anatomy and she collapsed to the ground. “Rainbow!” the three fillies shouted in unison. They gathered around the downed pegasus as Caps Lock laughed, and laughed, and laughed. “RIGHT IN THE FOAL FACTORY!” Caps Lock laughed, rolling on the ground. After a moment, he added, “I bet that’s the closest thing she’s ever had to penetration!” The CMC looked from their injured role model, and then to the colt that had brought her harm. Maybe they’d get their cutie marks in ass-kicking.