//------------------------------//
// Celestia Can Burn and Diet 
// Story: The Retribution of Blackberry Pie 
// by Kelvin Shadewing 
//------------------------------//


Chapter 2: "Celestia Can Burn and Diet"






Twilight marched right up to the King Sombra incarnate and took a battle-ready stance in front of him. "How dare you even joke about taking over Ponyville! You're crazy if you think you can get away with this!"

Blackberry chuckled darkly. "Would you prefer war? I can promise you, it would not be pretty, regardless of the outcome." He flashed her a wicked grin. "Be thankful this was a peaceful takeover, otherwise, somepony could have been..." Another chuckle.

Twilight gasped and looked at Blackberry in stunned horror. "You... you would slay innocent ponies?!"

To her surprise, Blackberry looked as taken aback as her. "Dafuq is your problem, bitch?! What good is killing my subjects before I can even rule them?" He recomposed himself and grinned smugly. "I'll kill them later... with laughter." He touched his chin thoughtfully. "Of course, I could just use laughing gas."

Twilight's friends joined her and stood behind her.

"I'd like to see you try!" Rainbow Dash challenged.

"We won't let a brute like you take our town!" added Rarity.

"Not without a fight!" agreed Applejack.

"The only laughing gas you'll get is at the dentist!" Pinkie Pie squeaked. She looked around at the odd glances she was getting from her friends. "What? I didn't wanna lie to him."

Fluttershy quietly stepped forward. "M-Mister Blackberry, sir?"

Blackberry raised an eyebrow and looked down at Fluttershy nonchalantly. "Mhmm?"

"Um..." She hid her eye behind her mane and rubbed her foreleg. "W-would you m-maybe, you know, not be a tyrant? I mean... if that's alright with you?"

Blackberry's confident air melted into an unsure frown. He seemed to seriously think it over, then gave Fluttershy a warm smile as he leaned down to her eye level and gently brushed her mane out of her face.

Fluttershy met his gaze, and after a moment, she smiled back with hope in her eyes.

Blackberry took in a slow, shallow breath, and replied in a kingly manner, "NOOOOO!!!!!"

The butter-colored mare squeaked and hid behind her friends faster than they'd even seen Rainbow Dash move.

Blackberry doubled over laughing, grasping his chest as he bellowed his hysteria for the whole town to hear. "Y-you are too easy, Butterfry!" He wiped a tear out of his eye.

Rainbow Dash flew up in his face. "You big jerk! Do you feel good about yourself, picking on ponies that are smaller than you?!"

Blackberry made a duck face. "Ummm... Yes!" He giggled like a foal and got back up to his hooves, turning his back on the mares. "You guys are a lot of fun, but now I need to address my subjects and inform them of some changes in management." He stepped onto the mayor's public address stage and stood behind the podium, then cleared his throat. "Ahem... ATTENTION, PONYVILLE! YOUR KING'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SO GET YOUR SORRY ASSES TO THE TOWN HALL NOW!"

Within minutes, the whole of Ponyville had gathered around King Blackberry, more out of fear than respect for him. He was boredly tapping his hoof when the crowd finished gathering and turned his full attention to them.

"As many of you may know, and the rest of you are too stupid or stubborn to accept," he said as he flashed a look at the element bearers, "you are now all citizens of the newly-established Everfree Dominion. As such, there are some new rules for you all to take into account, and by 'rules', I mean 'laws', and by 'laws', I mean 'things you must do if you don't wanna get raped'."

There were troubled murmurs being shared amongst the crowd. Offended mothers shielded their foals' ears, despite the damage already being done.

"SHUT UP!"

Everypony's heads and eyes snapped towards Blackberry.

"Thank you," he said, then quietly added, "backwater shit munchers." He cleared his throat again. "Rule one: my name is Blackberry Pie, not Sombra. Anypony caught calling me Sombra, please see the aforementioned synonym for 'law'. Rule two: In the event of flooding, a water landing or a day at the pool, you will allow me to use you as a floatation device. Anypony I select who can not float had better grow some gills or start sucking helium. Rule three:..."

ONE HOUR LATER...

"...Rule eighty six: I will not tolerate idiots. If you are not smart, get smart. And rule number ninety, it isn't gay for whoever is on top. If there is any confusion, please refer to rule thirty four B, B standing for 'Blackberry Pie is always on top'." Blackberry noticed the pained looks on the faces of those he had forced to stay and listen to all 87 of his rules, which was the entire town. It brought a smile to his face. "Now that that's out of the way, are there any questions?"

A hoof went up.

"That moron in the crowd!" Blackberry called and pointed.

"Are you really planning on..." An audible gulp. "...on raping us?"

"With repeat offenders facing randomly-selected fetishes," Blackberry answered, "Except in the case of capital punishment. That's death by laughing gas."

The whole of the crowd gasped; not in centuries had anypony been threatened with capital punishment, and it would have been longer had Princess Celestia never been stricken with grief over having to banish Nightmare Moon.

"How could you do something so cruel?" a mare shouted.

"Oh, would you rather I used something gross or painful?" the king asked, "Would you prefer beheading? Or an electric chair? Honestly, laughing gas is a kindness. I could retract that kindness if it is the wish of the people, but then who's the villain?"

"Take a look in the mirror, you tyrant!" another stallion yelled.

At this, Blackberry's horn lit up, and two ovals appeared in the air on either side of him, one green and one violet. Within them, Blackberry was visible from the perspective of the opposite oval.

"Alright, I think I wi--OH MY SELF!" The king yelped and cringed at the sight of what he saw. He then turned to the crowd with a look of disbelief on his face. "Are you shitting me?! You guys let me make a public announcement looking like this?! I look like freaking Goku cosplaying Ganondorf!"

"What in tarnation did he just say?" Applejack asked Twilight.

"I... I haven't the slightest idea..." replied the purple princess.

"This is unacceptable!" Blackberry said with a stamp of his hoof, "Not to mention, this is bullshit! I need to fix this." He closed his eyes and ignited his horn once more. The ovals vanished, and Blackberry began to rise into the air, enveloped by swirling green and violet energies.

The crowd cowered back, most of them shielding their eyes while the others used themselves as meat shields for their loved ones. The light grew brighter and brighter, until all at once, it went away. In the place where the image of King Sombra once stood was now the same pony, except his mane bore an odd resemblance to Pinkie Pie's, if she had a black mane, and his royal cape and armor were replaced with a set of what could only be described as red pajamas with a silky sheen. Blackberry struck a pose and cried out "Ow!" in a high-pitched voice for all his subjects to admire, not that they would.

"What... the... buck?" Rarity gurgled before fainting on the ground; her legitimate passing from the waking world rendered her unable to summon her customary fainting couch.

"Hey!" screamed Pinkie Pie, "You can't just steal my mane style!"

Blackberry smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Bitch, I'm over a thousand years old. I had it long before you did; I just stopped wearing it for a while." He stepped down from the stage and strutted through the town. "You all can go home now. I've got some serious snacking to do, or some shit like that." He stopped at a random mare, one with a mint-green coat and silvery mane. "Except for you. You're my bitch tonight."

Poor Lyra didn't even have the time to finish gasping before she fell into a violet oval on the ground which disappeared seconds after she fell through. The beginning of her scream was heard as the portal closed up. Blackberry chuckled to himself and continued walking.

"Now wait just a minute!" Twilight Sparkle trotted in front of him and blocked his path.

Blackberry raised an eyebrow. "Move, bitch."

"Not until you release my friend!"

The king was about to cast a spell, then thought again and decided to say something instead. "Ah, no, not gonna do that. It'd be too obvious."

Twilight raised her brow. "What would be too obvious?"

"Turning you to stone," Blackberry replied, "You said you wouldn't move until I let your friend go, so I was gonna turn you into a statue until then, buuuut statues went out with Celestia's concern for her own girth."

Twilight gasped and spluttered. "H-how can you be so cruel?!"

"Like this." Blackberry cleared his throat and demonstrated. "Princess Celestia is so fat; she doesn't raise the sun up; she pushes the earth down."

Pinkie Pie struggled not to giggle, a feat which became much easier with the help of a glare from her friends. "Sorry."

"That wasn't funny at all," Rainbow spat.

Blackberry shrugged. "You're right. Truth isn't always funny."

"Stop it!" Twilight snapped, "Now apologize for what you said!"

Blackberry paused, then sighed. "You're right; I've been such an insensitive jerk." He flopped down to the ground and started stroking the dirt. "I'm so sorry, earth. I can't even imagine how hard it is to support Celestia's weight."

Twilight was about to protest, but realized she was setting herself up for these, and just facehoofed. "Come on, girls. If Blackberry wants to be a jerk, let him." She turned her attention back to the new king. "But let me make one thing clear: you harm anypony, and we will use the Elements of Harmony on you."

The king gave them a duck-lipped smile. "I'd like to see you try. 'Course, I'd also like to see you sprawled out on the bed with--"

Twilight screamed in frustration and stomped away with Blackberry laughing in the dirt.





Spike was enjoying a peaceful nap when Twilight burst into the library and stamped every step up into her room. The baby dragon quickly stood at attention and began pretending he'd been doing his duties around the library since she left.

"Everything alright, Twilight?" asked the baby dragon, "How'd it go with King Sombra?"

"He is such a jerk!" Twilight's voice cracked as she shouted her complaint and flopped into her bed.

Spike tilted his head in confusion. There were a lot of ways he would have expected Twilight to describe the king of evil; 'jerk' was pretty far down the list. "How bad?"

"He's not like the old Sombra at all," Twilight said, barely tilting her face out of the pillow enough to be heard, "He's not enslaving ponies like he used to; he's just pushing them around and being... well, being a jerk!"

Spike blinked. "Sooo, you didn't turn him to stone or anything?"

The alicorn groaned. "That's the worst part of it. He built his castle on unclaimed land, he took over Ponyville peacefully and he hasn't actually hurt anypony, at least not that I can prove. Using the Elements of Harmony on him would be unjustified, and as princess, I need to set a good example. I can't just go around zapping ponies into stone whenever I feel like it, and if there's any possibility that Somb--I mean Blackberry isn't really evil anymore, just rude and insanely powerful, then I have to give him a chance."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask about that." Spike picked up a book Twilight left out earlier and set it on the side table just to get it off the ground for the moment. "Why's he calling himself Blackberry Pie? I don't get it."

Twilight rolled her head sideways and gave the dragon a bleary look. "I don't know either, Spike. And for some reason, he copied Pinkie Pie's hairstyle, except hers is all poofy and his looks more slick, but they're both really curly."

"Is that a big deal? His mane?" Spike asked with a shrug.

"I'unno," Twilight mumbled, "Just thought it was a weird coincidence. His last name is Pie, and he has Pinkie Pie's mane." She rolled onto her back. "I'm turning in early, Spike. I'm too angry to think straight about this."

Spike nodded and patted her hoof. "Yeah, probably a good idea. Sleep well, Twi."

Twilight nodded and pulled the covers over her body, then curled into an adorable little pony loaf and fell asleep.





Lyra had given up on screaming half an hour ago, and was now huddled in a ball in the corner, trembling like a leaf. Her ears perked at the sound of something hissing nearby, making her freeze. The hiss happened a second time, followed by the clicking of a lock, and then hoofsteps on the hard stone.

Blackberry Pie came into view of her cell. The mare scooted away from him, which only drew a sinister grin from the tyrant. She could see his sharp teeth interlocking perfectly with a fearsome gleam that would make dragons shudder.

"Do you know what time it is?" Blackberry asked.

Lyra shivered and shook her head.

The king licked his lips and pulled his grin even further back. "Play time."

A violet portal opened under Lyra. She was too scared to even scream as the green oval on the other side dropped her onto a plush, king-sized bed. Blackberry jumped down his own portal with a gravelly "Whee!" and bounced on the bed, launching the green mare several feet in the air. She landed on the soft bed and wobbled as she tried to back away from the king. Lyra immediately covered her face with her hooves and raised her flanks, trembling even harder as she waited for the king to have his way with her and be done with in.

The bed underneath her bounced hard, but the feared rape never occured. Cautiously, Lyra removed her hooves from her face and looked back behind her. Much to her confusion, Blackberry Pie was just jumping up and down on the bed.

"Hey, party pooper!" Blackberry cheerfully snapped, "Not that I don't enjoy staring at those toned buns of yours, but I said it was play time. Now get up and jump with me!"

Lyra shakily stood up. "Y-you're... not gonna..." She made a suggestive gesture.

"Fuck you?" Blackberry crudely finished her sentence.

The mare winced and nodded.

Blackberry stopped jumping and scowled. "Were you even listening to me when I announced the rules, or did you spend the whole time stuffing dog shit into your ears?"

Lyra blinked. "Huh?"

The king applied his hoof directly to his forehead and sighed. "I explicitly stated that rape was reserved for criminals. You wanna get down and dirty with me, just ask, otherwise, the king needs some kind of excersize or he'll get all plump and fluffy like Celestia. So it's your choice: jump or sex."

Lyra didn't know what to make of this choice, and deep down, she suspected it was only an illusion of free will. Nevertheless, she turned herself around to face Blackberry and bounced lightly in place. Her bouncing steadily increased until she was jumping on the bed.

Blackberry smiled and joined in.

Several minutes of continuous jumping like monkeys continued just like that. Evntually, Blackberry lost enthusiasm.

"OK, I'm bored." He bounced over beside Lyra and roughly shoved her off the edge of the bed.

The mare squealed and fell into another portal that deposited her into her own bedroom. Lyra landed on her bed, but it wasn't as soft as she remembered, nor did she recall it being able to move.

Under the unicorn's body, Bon Bon struggled and screamed, then rolled over as Lyra stood up to allow her to move.

Blackberry peered through the portal and whistled a cat call at the sight of Lyra standing belly-to-belly over her house mate in bed. "Mm, yeah! Show the king what'cha got!"

Bon Bon and Lyra gasped up at the portal, but before they could react, Blackberry closed in and flopped onto his back, cackling like a mad stallion. As his laughter subsided, he sighed contentedly and pulled the blanket over himself. "It's good to be the king."

As he smiled to himself, the image of Lyra standing over Bon Bon returned to his mind. He wiped the smile off his face and tried to push those thoughts away, but they wouldn't give him any peace. Instead, he imagined Lyra putting a hoof on Bon Bon's chest, shushing her softly as she brought her lips down closer to her bunk mate's muzzle. Whimpering in defeat, Blackberry decided it was as good a time as ever to christen the new castle.