//------------------------------// // Putting The Win In Darwin Awards or Another Darrell Waltrip Story // Story: Runnin' On Empty // by AlwaysDressesInStyle //------------------------------// “Tony?” “Yeah?” “Just where did you acquire this many empty beer cans?” “Oh, they used to be full beer cans but I up and drank the beer.” “This is that alcohol stuff that made Applejack sick, right?” “Yup.” Tony let out a belch. “And you drank this much of it?” “Oh this? This ain’t nothing. This is just what I’ve had to drink in the last week. You should see how many I have after a party!” “Party? Did somebody say party?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she burst through the door of Tony’s RV. “Where’s the party?” “Tell you what, little pink pony. You find me a full keg, and we can party all night.” “Please tell me that’s not a pick up line, Mr. Stewart…” “Oh shoot no, Twilight. I’d hafta be a whole lot drunker than this to hit on a horse.” “How drunk would you have to be to speak perfect English?” Twilight wasn’t usually fond of sarcasm, but she could learn to like not being on the receiving end of it. “Drunk enough to hit on a horse. Or maybe a cat.” “Come on! Arguing isn’t partying! We need to par-tay!” A few seconds later the RV was filled with Disco Dash and Tony was wondering just when he had acquired a record player. “Gah, not this song! I hate it!” “Oh, come on, Twilight. This is Equestria’s number one song right now!” “Yeah, I totally dig it! Definitely has a good ‘70s groove to it. I could get funky to this!” “See! Even Tony likes it!” Twilight’s head was pounding out of rhythm with the song and she closed her eyes. “I would like this song better if it wasn’t playing on the radio every time I turn it on. And if it didn’t have such a risqué dance associated with it.” “The dance totally isn’t risky at all! I’ve done that dance hundreds of times and I’ve never gotten hurt. Just give it a try!” From past experience Twilight knew explaining the meanings of the similar-sounding words to Pinkie Pie was an effort in futility, so she opted for a simpler response. “No thanks.” “You are such a stick in the mud,” Tony said. “Come on, Pinkie. Show me the dance!” Pinkie Pie was happy to oblige and Tony did his best to memorize the steps. After having Pinkie run through it five times he was positive he had it down pat. He took a chug of beer and hopped off his chair and stood next to Pinkie. “On three!” “Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your cutie!” The image of Tony Stewart shaking his rear end burned onto Twilight’s retinas. Try as she might, she would never get the image out her head. Years later she still had nights where she would wake up in a cold sweat with the memory of this moment still as fresh in her mind as if it had happened just yesterday. She just stood there, eyes wide and jaw hanging open. “She’s been like that for like three whole minutes now,” Pinkie Pie said, as she waved a hoof in front of the purple unicorn’s glazed eyes. “Maybe she and Dale Junior should form a support group.” “My ass has that effect on women. I guess it works on mares too.” Tony rubbed his chest. “What can I say, I’m a real lady killer.” Tony suddenly found himself nose-to-snout with the angriest pink pony he’d ever seen. “That. Is. Not. Very. Nice.” Steam poured from her nostrils as she exhaled millimeters away from Tony’s face. “You unkill Twilight right now.” “She’s not dead. It’s just an old slang term. It means I leave them speechless with my incredible good looks, not that I actually killed them.” “Prove it.” Tony did the only thing he could think of that seemed appropriate at the time. He smacked the purple unicorn’s flank. The lights slowly came back on in Twilight’s mind. Her jaw closed and she blinked a few times. And then Tony’s newly refurbished couch exploded in scorching hot flames. “Not my new couch!” “Did your disgusting greasy hand just strike my posterior?” Tony looked to Twilight’s flank where orange Cheetos crumbs were arranged in a five-fingered pattern. He looked to his own orange crumb encrusted hands and then to the two equines sharing the room with him noting that neither had hands. “Uh… yes?” “How dare you. How. Dare. You.” Twilight glared at Tony, her eyes glowing white with intensity. “Whoa, neat trick with your eyes! Just like Batman!” Tony booped her nose. "You're too cute!" “That always works for Fluttershy.” Twilight’s shoulders slumped in frustration with her failed Stare attempt. Harmlessly dissipating all the magical energy she had drawn into her horn she collapsed onto the floor of the RV, completely spent. “Can…can I touch it? Your horn that is.” Twilight just looked at him blankly. “A unicorn’s horn is the most sensitive spot on her entire body.” “So is that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ then?” “It means the only way you’re touching my horn is if you put a ring on my hoof first.” Tony shrugged and walked into the recreational vehicle’s kitchen. He returned with a Ring Pop that he slipped onto the stricken unicorn’s right hoof. “So…can I touch it now?” Facehoofing would have required too much effort and using magic would have fed the migraine already torturing her mind. “Pinkie. Do that thing you do.” “Which thing, Twilight?” “You know, the funny thing.” “Can you be more specific?” “Just do something to distract this nincompoop before he inadvertently violates me!” She groaned as her headache worsened from the screaming she had just done. “Oh! I can totally do that!” “While you’re at it, do you think you can do something about my couch? ‘Cause, ya know, it’s still kinda on fire.” Pinkie Pie dashed off, returning seconds later with a fire extinguisher, the contents of which she emptied onto the burning sofa. Twilight watched from her position on the floor and smiled at Pinkie’s rare display of competence. Her headache intensified as she realized the bubbly pink pony had just saved them all. She closed her eyes and tried to forget about everything. First she filtered out all the light streaming through her eyelids. Then she muted the sounds inside the RV. Then she slowly felt the shag carpeting tickling her fade away into nothingness. The healing spell began to work. “Got any snacks?” “Just that Ring Pop Twilight didn’t eat. Wrestle ya for it!” “Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie assumed a wrestling stance and motioned a hoof to Tony urging him to bring it on. Tony and the pony grappled on the floor for five minutes, before Pinkie Pie started laughing hysterically. “What’s so funny?” Tony asked. “I just realized your name rhymes with pony! You could cameo on our show as Pony Stewart, the NASCART champion!” “I like the sound of that! Oh, do you think I could be a pegasus for the show?” “Oh yes! A pegasus would totally work for you! We can work your cameo in when we bring Jimmie Johnson to Equestria for that bridge dedication!” Tony absentmindedly grabbed the Ring Pop from Twilight’s hoof and started sucking on it. “Awesome!” The sudden motion of Tony removing the ring stirred Twilight out of her healing spell. She moaned as she realized it had barely started working. She squeezed her eyelids shut again and repeated the process. “Hey! Hold your horses. Jimmie Johnson is getting a bridge dedicated to him?” “Totally! He’s dedicating an entire infield care center to my memory, so it seemed the least I could do in return!” “The next time I expand my racing shop I’ll dedicate the new wing to you.” “You’ll get me my very own wings? Oh that would be sweet! Then I could fly around with the pegasi without using balloons!” “No, just the wing of a building,” Tony said glumly. “Though flying really would be sweet.” “Buildings have wings?” Pinkie cocked her head, quizzically. “Uh, sort of. You know, now that you mention it having ‘wings’ inside a building is stupid. Tell ya what, I’ll just tear down the whole shop once the season’s over and build a new one on the spot, and then I’ll name the entire shop after you!” “Oh, that sounds cool! Maybe I can get Princess Celestia to immortalize you in stained glass in a window at the royal castle!” “Yeah! I can dig that!” Twilight came to a horrifying realization. Blocking out the sounds from Tony and Pinkie could be hazardous to her health. Though the healing spell had not yet been completed, she felt well enough to risk taking a peek at whatever damage might have befallen her as she lay there. She cautiously opened her eyes to find them both staring at her, inches away from her face. She jumped and screamed. “That was hilarious!” Tony giggled. “You were totally right, Pinkie!” Twilight found her head once more racked by pain. “Argh!” She closed her eyes and wished that the two of them would leave her have peace and quiet. “Pinkie, my bestest best friend in the entire universe?” “Yes Twilight?” “Would you mind playing with Tony outside for a bit? I really need to concentrate right now.” Tony dropped a can of frozen orange juice next to Twilight. “Stare at this a while. The can says ‘concentrate’ right there on the side.” Twilight fought the urge to reply to Tony with sarcasm. The cool can felt nice against her throbbing head. “Thank you, Tony. I think this will help exponentially.” “You’re welcome, Twilight! Hey Pinkie, let’s play tag! Last one outside has to be it!” “You are so on, Tony!” Half an hour later Twilight awoke completely pain free. She opened the door and walked outside, taking a deep breath of the fresh air, thankful to finally be away from the nausea-inducing aroma of stale chips and beer well past its expiration date. Blinking as her eyes adjusted to the sunlight she found herself blinking again, this time in confusion. Directly in front of her stood an ice cube in the shape of a racecar driver. “Tony? Are you in there?” “Yes,” came a muffled reply from inside the block of ice. “What are you doing in there?” “Freeze tag,” Tony stammered through gritted and chattering teeth. Twilight’s horn glowed and the block of ice thawed, freeing Tony. “T-t-t-t-thanks,” Tony replied, teeth still chattering. “You’re welcome. Now let’s see if we can warm you up before hypothermia sets in.” The purple aura surrounding Tony glowed brighter and warmth crept back into his extremities. “How do you feel now?” “Like I’ve really got to pee!” Tony made a beeline for the RV’s bathroom. Twilight followed Tony into the RV and while the driver made use of the restroom, the unicorn set up her blackboard, charts, and a scale model of Las Vegas Motor Speedway complete with tiny cars on the track and even tinier fans in the audience. She scowled as she moved the Goodyear blimp replica into the parking lot and scattered the cars that had been parked there. The toilet flushed and Tony opened the door to find his way completely barricaded by Twilight’s learning supplies. Tony grinned and reached for the racetrack. “Excuse me. Did you wash your hands?” “Uh… no.” “Go do so before you touch my things, please.” Tony grumbled as he placed his hands under the running water. “And use soap. More soap than that.” “I don’t even own soap.” A bottle of Softsoap levitated towards Tony. “You do now.” “Fine. I washed up. Now will you explain exactly what’s going on here?” “Absolutely! You may want to take a seat first.” Tony glanced around the bathroom and realized there was only one place he could sit. “You know, could we maybe do this someplace else?” “Nope. Too many distractions.” “Hey Twilight! Whatcha doing?” “Speak of distractions… You never miss your cue, Pinkie Pie.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “What can I say? I’m a super duper actress!” “Well you’re just in time to help me help Tony with his race preparation.” “Oh goody goody gosh!” “Did you make this model of the track?” “I sure did, Tony! Twilight beamed. “I spent months crafting it one piece at a time. The new Daring Do novel came out and I had to have Rainbow Dash read it to me so I could keep working on this.” She cringed as she remembered that. Rainbow was not known for her reading prowess and she’d had to help the rainbow-maned pegasus pronounce more than a few words. Sadly, it had taken her seven tries to finally get archeologist right. Still, it had been productive – the replica was completed in time and Dash’s IQ had gone up at least ten points. “I’ve prepared a series of lectures based on your driving, car setup, and finally a thorough analysis of each of your competitors. When I’m done you’ll be able to improve your driving and your car, and take advantage of the weaknesses of your fellow drivers.” “Our next driver to analyze is Dick Trickle.” “He’s retired.” Tony rolled his eyes. “True, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn something from him. For example, did you know…” “This is as boring as listening to Jimmie Johnson trying to write fanfiction,” Pinkie Pie interrupted. “Why would Jimmie Johnson write fanfiction?” Twilight asked. “And of what, exactly?” “Oh, he totally tried to write My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfiction last chapter but he failed, miserably. He almost killed himself in the process. I hope he’s a better racecar driver than he is a writer.” The purple unicorn blinked. None of what her friend had said made any sense. She shook her head and thought, “Of course Pinkie Pie gets the well-behaved driver.” “Twilight, learning doesn’t have to be dull! Here, let me give it a try!” “But Pinkie Pie, I spent months working on this and you don’t know the lesson plan.” Pinkie Pie ignored her friend and pulled a Las Vegas showgirl outfit out of thin air, which she quickly put on before bursting into song. Darlington’s for spinning, And Daytona’s for winning. At Talladega you had that nasty wreck, But that happens when you’re racing neck and neck! Racing the short track at Martinsville, Side by side with Ricky, Dale, and Bill. Bristol’s got really high banks, Climb the fence and give your thanks! Just got spun out? There’s no need to pout! Time for a helmet toss! Yeah, just like a boss! “Pinkie Pie! We’re supposed to be discouraging that!” “Where’s the fun in that?” “Yeah!” Tony agreed. “You want to win tomorrow, right?” Twilight Sparkle asked. “Of course I do!” “Then you need to shut up and listen to me! I’ve prepared seventeen different race strategies for you, with contingency plans for every potential scenario that could possibly arise. If you listen to me you’ll win this race going away!” “Going away where?” Pinkie asked. “I thought the idea of this kind of race was to go in circles and not really get anywhere.” Twilight facehoofed. “Pinkie Pie.” “Besides, plans are boring. What you really need are cartoon props! Check these bad boys out!” Pinkie Pie opened a pirate chest and out spilled hundreds of cartoonish items. “Are these thumbtacks?” “Not just any thumbtacks, but special always lands pointy side up tacks! Perfect for popping the tires of your competitors! And here’s the ABC gum. It’s already been chewed so you don’t have to do it, and it’s extra-cartoon-strength so it’ll stop a 3,500-pound stock car in its tracks! Oh, oh, oh! And I have oil slicks, smokescreens, switchblade wheels, machine guns to hide behind your car’s headlights…” “NASCAR stock cars don’t have headlights. They’re just decals.” “Oh! Well in that case we’ll put machine gun decals behind the headlight decals!” “This will never pass tech inspection,” Twilight said. “It doesn’t have to! Tony can sneak the gum and tacks into the car in his driver suit, and we’ll add all the other little gadgets to the car after it gets inspected. Oh! Do they give you one of those little inspection stickers to put in your windshield like they do at the DMV?” “Uh, no.” “Well, phooey. Anyways! You leave it all to me and I’ll hook your car up super-duper-luper! Especially with this bad boy I found in a junkyard in Arizona!” “Is that a JATO?” “Yup!” Pinkie Pie beamed at Tony. “What’s a JATO?” asked Twilight, eyeing the rocket booster with unease. “It stands for ‘jet-assisted take off’ and helps planes accelerate to lift off the ground,” Tony explained. “But where exactly do you plan on hiding something that big?” “I was just gonna strap it to the roof.” “NASCAR might notice that.” “You’re right! Do you think it’ll fit under the car?” “No.” “What if we tie it to the roof and Twilight casts an invisibility spell on it?” “Well, that could work,” Tony said. “Can you do that?” “Yes, I can. But no, I won’t.” ”Not even for science?” “For the last time, there’s nothing scientific about cheating, Pinkie Pie!” “Fine, we have enough other gadgets we don’t need rocket boosters anyway!” “Yeah, but as much as I hate to admit it, Twilight’s got a point. How do we get the car through post-race inspection?” “Oh! You totally flip it over as you cross the finish line. The more you destroy the car, the less evidence is left.” “But I want to continue using this car for future races…” “Oh.” “Hey, cheer up little pony. I can still use the gum and thumbtacks, right?” “You’re right! The other drivers won’t know what hit them!” “But I will. And don’t think I won’t report it to NASCAR.” “Come on, Twilight. Don’t you want to see if gum can really stop a racecar in its tracks?” “Not particularly.” “But I already stuffed the trunk full of anvils! I don’t want to have to take them all out after I got them packed in so nicely.” “But wouldn’t all that extra weight hamper the car’s performance?” Twilight asked, facehoofing. She made a mental note to remove the anvils from Tony’s car first thing in the morning. “Well, yes. But that’s why Tony drops them in front of the faster cars during the race. And then they hit the anvils and their cars stop!” “How do I remove the anvils from the trunk though?” “Don’t you have some super cool ejector button or something?” “No.” “Bummer. First the rocket booster and then the anvils. This isn’t any fun.” Pinkie looked at the JATO longingly. “Well, I guess there’s no harm in testing the JATO right now,” Tony said thoughtfully. He stroked his chin and continued, “It’s not cheating if we don’t use it in the race, right?” “Well, I suppose not,” Twilight agreed. “But we still have a lot of material to cover to help improve your results tomorrow.” “Tell you what – you entertain me and Pinkie with the JATO for an hour or two and I’ll sit and listen to whatever lecture you want me to.” “For real?” “For real.” “Deal!” Pinkie Pie jumped for joy. “Yay! This is going to be totally fun! Just you wait Twilight! Why I bet we can get Tony going faster than Dashie!” “I know this great straight stretch of road, smooth as silk.” “Sounds perfect. Let’s go!” Pinkie Pie bounced through the RV’s door, followed by Tony and a reluctant Twilight Sparkle. They arrived in the garage area and Tony Stewart climbed into the #14 Chevrolet stock car. “Tony, didn’t you just say you wanted to keep this car in good shape because you want to use it again?” “Yeah. Huh, I guess this could risk tearing it up. We can use my backup car. Or better yet, let’s use Newman’s.” Tony led the way to the #39 Quicken Loans Chevy’s hauler. Moments later the car roared to life and exited the hauler. Tony revved the motor and Twilight Sparkle cautiously climbed in. Pinkie, meanwhile, strapped the JATO to the roof with some duct tape and then happily bounced into the car. “So this long straight stretch of road you’re talking about. How far into the desert is it?” “It’s not in the desert.” “How far away is it? This better not be a ploy to get out of my lecture.” “It’s just up the road a piece. In the city.” “In the city? As in, ‘in the city’ in the city?” “Yes. It’s called the Vegas Strip. Nice straight road, and smooth. All those deserted desert roads are full of potholes.” “Oh! But I totally want to see a dessert road! I hope it has whipped cream and sprinkles!” “What?” “Just go with it, Mr. Stewart. Pinkie’s mind wanders a lot. She just goes along for the ride.” “And what a ride it is! Filled with colorful ponies and rocket boosters. Yeeeee-haaaaaaw!” Tony let out a rebel yell that would make Bo Duke envious. Tony skidded the racecar around a corner and the Las Vegas Strip stretched out before them. “Here we are! Told you it wasn’t far from the track. We’ll be back in plenty of time for your lecture.” “But we’re in a populated area. This is completely irresponsible and incredibly reckless.” “I know, ain’t it great? Light the fuse, Pinkie Pie!” “Okie dokie lokie!” The JATO kicked in and suddenly the racecar was rocketing along the Las Vegas Strip at over 300MPH. Flyers for shows, strip clubs, bars, and legal brothels fluttered in their wake. Twilight’s horn glowed purple as she furiously worked to remove objects, pedestrians, and other cars from their path of travel. Sirens blared as they raced past a speed trap but they lost the pursuing squad car in less than a second. Pinkie Pie ignored the g-forces keeping Twilight plastered against the car’s rear window and turned the car’s radio on. The satisfying beat of Disco Dash filled the car’s interior. “How in the wide world of Equestria did you get that song to play on an Earth radio station?” “I have a better question: when did this radio start picking up music frequencies?” Tony blinked in confusion. That radio was meant for two-way communications with his crew chief and spotter, not for music. “Hey Jeff! There’s a car coming up real fast behind us.” “Oh yeah? Bet that clown didn’t expect to find Jeff Gordon out here on the Vegas Strip. This is a Corvette ZR1. It does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds and has a top speed of… well, I don’t know how fast it goes so how about we find out together, Applejack?” “Now you’re talkin’!” Applejack and Jeff had come to terms with one another after the incident in Jeff’s Pony room. Now they were out cruising the strip and taking in the sights. And teaching some young punks a lesson about street racing was an opportunity too good to pass by. “Time for some punks to learn there’s always a faster car.” He accelerated up to 100MPH and waited for them to catch up. The rocket car passed them like they were standing still. “So, uh, we’re not catchin’ that, are we.” “No, we’re not." “So does this mean we learned the lesson about there always bein’ a faster car? ‘Cause I’m overdue for writin’ a letter to Celestia, so if’n I can use this that would be great.” “Uh, yeah, go ahead and use it. Was that Tony Stewart driving Ryan Newman’s car with a JATO unit duct taped to the roof?” “Maybe? I didn’t really get that good a look at it. But I heard it well enough.” “In that case was it blaring a song from the G3 stage show The World’s Biggest Tea Party?” “If that’s where that revoltin’ Disco Dash song came from, yes.” “After you finish that letter let us never speak of this again.” “Woo! We just passed Jeff Gordon and Applejack! They thought you were a kid in a clapped out Honda Civic with a fart can muffler and were gonna teach you a thing or two about street racing… by street racing with you! Aren’t they silly?” “How did you know that?” “I heard them as we drove past. Their windows were down…and this car doesn’t have side windows.” Twilight glanced back at the Corvette disappearing in the distance behind them. She briefly considered teleporting to it and leaving Pinkie and Tony to their own devices but thought better of it at the last minute. No sense causing an inter-dimensional incident by letting them cause injuries and massive property damage. Well, more than Pinkie already had. The JATO eventually ran out of thrust and the car returned to moving solely under its own power. They were now three counties away from the racetrack and in another state to boot. As they made their way back to Las Vegas Twilight noted they had somehow jumped the Colorado River on their way into Arizona. She made a mental note not to ask Pinkie Pie how they had done that. “Balloons.” She made a new mental note not to make mental notes when in the presence of somepony who could apparently read minds. Pinkie just grinned at her. “Silly Twilight! Didya have fun, Tony?” “Sure did. That was probably the most intense ride I’ve ever had!” “I can top it,” the pink mare grinned. “Pop the trunk!” Tony did as he was instructed and Pinkie Pie pulled out four monster truck tires. “Aw yeah! Let’s go crush some cars!” “Why settle for measly little cars? This is Arizona! They’ve got a giant aircraft junkyard here. Oh! And there’s Meteor Crater! We could totally pull some epic freestyle tricks in there with this! Like a skateboarder!” “I like the way you think!” “Wait! I agreed to the rocket booster, but you agreed to my lecture. No more stalling. As it is I’m going to have to cut out all the advice I have for short tracks and road courses just to save time.” “But Twilight. Monster truck wheels! C’mon. You know you want to try them out!” Twilight turned to the side, unable to meet her friend’s gaze. She had a point… “Maybe a little.” “For science!” Pinkie exclaimed as she mounted the oversized tires to the racecar. “Oh, leave science out of it Pinkie Pie. This is purely for fun!” Twilight let herself laugh. Things were currently making even less sense than normal so why stress about them? If Tony wanted to throw away his chances to win the race, what did it matter to her anyway? “Even I have to let my mane down and have some fun sometimes.” “That’s the spirit!” Pinkie said, beaming. She fiddled with the radio and a different song started playing. “Oh! I love this song! And all of its remixes!” “Yeah, this is kickin’.” Tony agreed. His hands left the steering wheel as he put his ‘hooves’ up high in time with the song. “What do you think of it?” “I’d like it a lot more if you’d keep your hands on the wheel!” “But Twi! He’s a trained professional racecar driver. I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.” Pinkie’s reply was far from comforting – replays of dozens of accidents replayed in slow motion through Twilight’s mind, all of them involving Tony Stewart somehow. Pinkie reached into the daydream and started playing with the cars as if they were Matchbox cars, causing the pileups to grow even bigger than the original crashes had been. Twilight slowly started panicking again. Pinkie clicked the stopwatch. “43.8 seconds of enjoying yourself. Congrats! That’s your new personal best!” It was a long drive back to Las Vegas. As promised, Tony sat patiently while Twilight Sparkle finished her lecture. He didn’t understand a word of it but he listened as politely as possible between naps. He was extremely grateful to Pinkie Pie for teaching him to sleep with his eyes open. “I’ve studied this track intensely and I can say without a doubt that the best racing line to follow to maximize speed and fuel economy while minimizing tire wear is outlined in this diagram.” Twilight levitated a blueprint of the track in front of Tony and beamed while he looked at it, trying to make heads or tails of the drawing. It looked vaguely like a racetrack if he squinted. He nodded and she continued droning on. Once more he fell asleep to the unicorn mare’s soothing voice. “…and that concludes my dissertation on aerodynamic advantages to be gained while staying within the rules NASCAR has set forth. Any questions?” Twilight looked to her audience – Pinkie Pie had long since fallen asleep and Tony didn’t look to be far behind her. “And now we’ll have a ten minute recess before I begin my discussion on horsepower increases.” “Yay! I love recess!” Pinkie Pie awoke, bouncing up and down. “Me too!” Pinkie pulled the record player out and the theme from Twilight Sparkle’s stage in Fighting Is Magic started playing. “Yeah! Check out that percussion! Awesome drum solo!” “But there’s no drum solo in this song…” Pinkie Pie replied. She thumped the record player just in case it was skipping. The music stopped but the knocking continued. Tony and the two ponies turned to the RV’s front door, where someone was pounding on it so hard the hinges were straining against the blows. “Open up, Stewart! I know she’s in there! I heard her from half a mile away.” “Who?” “That blasted pink menace! You give her to me, I leave. You don’t, I’ll take you out on the first lap tomorrow.” “That’s a good one. You and what army? Gonna get your teammates to whoop on me? Cause Ryan and Danica got my back.” Jimmie Johnson pointed. “Look! A convenient distraction!” Tony and Pinkie Pie both turned to follow Jimmie’s pointer, Twilight Sparkle facehoofed, and while they all were distracted Jimmie pulled out a small glass filled with a pink liquid. "Hey Pinkie, I've got something just for you," Jimmy said, handing Pinkie the glass. "It's a special drink I made myself. Consider it my way of apologizing for how mean I was to you earlier." "Awww that's sweet of you! And it’s pink, which is totally my favorite color. I think, or maybe it might be blue today. No, it’s definitely pink!" Pinkie said, downing the drink in one gulp. "It tastes like strawberries." "How do you feel?" Jimmy asked. "Like throwing a party to celebrate our friendship!" Pinkie replied. "I knew it. I knew I didn't put enough horse tranquilizers in it. I used the whole box and she's not even yawning," Jimmy said, frowning. “You know, strawberries are a powerful aphrodisiac in Equestria, my sexy racecar driving stallion.” Jimmie Johnson’s eyes bugged out of his head. He left a Jimmie Johnson-shaped hole in the side of Tony’s RV as he made his escape. “Oh! He’s learning! With a little more training he’ll make an excellent cartoon character! I want him to have my babies!” Pinkie Pie hopped off in pursuit. “I’m coming my sugar-coated hunk!” “Have her babies?” Tony raised an eyebrow. “But that’s not how pony reproduction works… Did that really just happen?” Twilight asked, shaking her head. “Yes. Yes it did. Shake and Bake!” “Shake and Bake?” “You’ve never seen Talladega Nights? Oh man, I’ve got it on DVD! Come on, you got’s to see this movie! It won the Oscar for best movie ever.” All in all, it was another normal night in Tony Stewart’s RV.