Dear Princess Celestia:
Tartarus hath no fury like a unicorn denied her banging.
Honestly, I don’t care what happened to the rest of my “friends.” Rarity can bitch at Blue-Balls as much as you want, Rainbow can fail to be noticed by the Wonderbolts forever, and Pinkie Pie can have her drug-fueled ideals crushed into powder for her to snort. I’ll just point and laugh.
Of course, I don’t quite know what Applejack did to deserve your wrath. Not that I care, since she’s an inbred mud pony, but it still worries me that you could do something like that for fun. I mean, Rainbow tried to murder you with a cloud, Rarity wants to mooch off of you forever, Pinkie Pie ate all your cake that one time, and Fluttershy kidnapped your jackass bird. So, what did Applejack do again?
…Well, I guess trying to sell stuff at your event could be considered a crime.
But more to the point, the fact that you forced me to stay next to you the whole night greeting ponies instead of going out to get laid was a grave mistake, you bitch. And not only that, but after my friends did the sensible thing and wrecked the whole party, you had to give us laxative-filled ice cream?!
If you hadn't set that letter to self-burn, I would show it to everypony so you could be overthrown. I swear to your dear mother Faust, if it wasn't for all those drugs Pinkie borrowed me, I don’t know how I could have put up with you. (And just for the record, that shit did NOT make me imagine things!!!)
I shall seek my revenge in the most horrific way I can imagine. Perhaps I shall make your sister re-become the mare in the moon again, or invite a bunch of evil shapeshifters into Equestria. No matter what happens, you shall fall.
And now that I think about it, there’s that one statue in your garden I might be able to use…
Your enraged former student, Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Auntie Celestia:
It was awful! I got chased everywhere by a psychotic bitch who wouldn't leave me alone no matter how obvious I made it that I had no interest in her! I wanted to be polite, but how was I supposed to get her to leave me be?!
Your nephew, Blueblood.
Dear Princess Celestia:
We were under the impression that you had forbidden any "Loud and disruptive" ponies from attending the Gala. If that is true, then would you be so kind as to explain why this "Pinkie Pie" was allowed to not only be present, but also disrupt the musicians?!
Sincerely, Octavia's band.