Robotic Stallion: Love Machines

by Hooves Like Jagger

V: Jet

Null had scoured every book in the library, but he hadn’t found one trace of an address book. The closest he got was a little black book stashed under the receptionist’s counter. All the addresses in it were crossed off and nearly illegible, but Null could read enough to tell Rainbow Dash’s address wasn’t in it. The next logical step would be to search elsewhere for an address book, preferably before the sun came up; however, Null had found something else that caught his interest.

“Plantains of Passion 2: Look, Love is Healthy But Not When You Fry it and Salt it a Bunch Even If it is Real Tasty. Analyzing… analyzing…” Contained within the book were even more secrets to perfecting the romance function. It filled in many gaps from the original book Null had read, but there were still some discrepancies. He would have to obtain the other volumes of the book series in order to further his research. For the time being, he could move forward with his newfound discovery.

“This unit must locate and vanquish the love-rival. Optimal Course of Action: samurai swords at high noon dangling over the edge of The Endless Falls with only four hours remaining to file taxes. Secondary Course of Action: smashing, if swords cannot be located.” The book depicted the main protagonist, Mofongo the Mustachioed Plantain Farmer, could only win the love of Duchess Distress by dispatching his love-rival Refried Estebeans. He successfully proved himself the superior lover and the one worthy of Duchess Distress’s hoof, and this earned him the affections of his love. Null was now programmed to do the same.

Locating both Rainbow Dash and the pony destined to do battle with him was top priority, but on exiting the library he still didn’t have the foggiest idea where either could be located. He figured his love-rival would be somewhere in the vicinity of Rainbow Dash, so he took off into the dawning sky and returned to his original task. He flew in close to the rooftops, still searching for Rainbow Dash or anything that might be an address book. He didn’t find a thing, until his optical sensors detected something atop a short building in Canterlot’s business district.

Null had seen and observed many of the billboards around the city, but he was now bearing witness to a new advertisement being posted by a pony with a long stick and a lot of glue. Normally, adverts wouldn’t mean a thing to him, but this one was special. The half of the poster that was plastered bore a huge, saluting visage of Rainbow Dash. Null watched as the other half was rolled up, revealing the textual part of the advertisement.

“Come see the Amazing Rainbow Dash™ and her Sonic Rainboom™! Tickets for the upcoming Wonderbolts™ Show now available! Come see the Wonderbolts™ Live at Wonderbolts™ Stadium™! … Target Acquired.”

Null flew off to where he knew he’d seen several, similar advertisements put up en masse. Other visual records of the location held evidence of a sign reading “Wonderbolts Stadium.” Data indicated that Rainbow Dash most likely did not live at the Wonderbolts Stadium, but if she could be found there she could be later tracked to her place of residence. At the time her home address is acquired, Null can initiate the love function and fulfill his programming, but only after destroying the love-rival of course.

Null touched down at the stadium just as Celestia finished raising the sun over the horizon. Despite the early hour, Null noted several pegasi trotting briskly into the stadium’s interior. Null trotted after them, not seeing Rainbow Dash among the ponies outside the stadium. He would find her location inside the stadium and then wait. The plan was perfect and the programming was set in motion.

“Are you here for Wonderbolts Academy?”

Not five hoofsteps into the door, Null had already run into a problem. A dour looking pony with a clipboard was barring further entry and asking about “Wonderbolt Academy.” Null had no knowledge of this in his database; however, revealing his true intentions to this pony could jeopardize his plan. He decided to employ a tactic he discovered while reading Plantains of Passion: misdirection.

“Affirmative.”

“Name?”

Null’s misdirection program hit a snag. He did not know what names were on the list the pony had with him. Misdirection did call for making up a name on the spot, but the chance of success was incredibly low. Null’s only option was to select a name he had seen before, just to make sure he was referencing a real pony. He called up a list of known male pegasi names. The only one that fit the criteria was in the black book he found in the library.

“Snowflake.”

“… Alright, head on in Mr. Snowflake.” The pony with the clipboard scratched something off of his list and went right back to staring half-lidded at what he was holding. Null trotted on past him, successfully completing his misdirection function. He filed the name “Snowflake” away for his alias during his stay at the stadium.

Unfamiliar with the inside of the stadium, Null continued following the crowd. His journey took him to a storage room, through a locker room, into a tight-fitting flight suit and goggles, and out onto an open field. There he stopped in a long line of other ponies wearing the same flight suit. He could not calculate what would happen next, but he desired to get onto searching for Rainbow Dash. As another group of ponies not wearing flight suits descended onto the field, he found his search would have to wait.

“Alright maggots! Today is the first day of your new lives,” the pony who appeared to be in charge shouted at them. “I’m Captain Soarin and I will be the spanker of your behind and the decider of whether or not you get to continue living or die! Is that understood?”

“Sir, yes sir!” the other ponies in line with Null chanted with frantic speed. Null noticed Soarin turn and look at him. Based on his expression, Null figured he was not pleased with something. He attempted to figure out what while Soarin marched up to him.

“I said… ‘is that understood?’” Soarin kept on staring at Null. The robot ran back through his audio archives.

“Affirmative.”

“Affirmative… what?”

“Affirmative: the question was indeed stated at a previous time.” Null gave a more concise answer and readied an even more detailed report in the case of another query. The one Soarin gave him, however, was not one he anticipated.

“So, you think you’re funny, maggot?”

Null had to process the question for a while. He had not attempted humor before because he did not see how it tied into his romance and love functions. Laughter did have medically beneficial qualities and anything that prolonged the life of his target would help him run his function. He considered that perhaps he should look into comedy to bolster his arsenal, but the question still remained if he considered himself capable of comedy or not. The answer to that was much simpler.

“Negative.”

“Negative… what?!” Soarin was grinding his teeth now, a practice Null was almost ready to advise him was not good for his health, but the submitted query held precedence.

“Negative: this unit does not deem itself fit for producing comedy.”

Soarin was ready to pop a gasket. He’d never gotten so much lip from a trainee. It was always unyielding respect from the moment he was within earshot. He hadn’t been kicked around by his superiors for years just to get toyed with by the newcomers. There was only one remedy for ponies who couldn’t help but flap their lips: flapping their wings.

“Well, thanks to the comedian here, it looks like you can all get started with three hundred laps!” Soarin’s order was met with groans, but a quick tweet of his whistle silenced them and sent the academy goers on their way. Null was the last to depart, as if he had to take a cue from the others before he knew what was going on. Soarin watched them, already knowing who he was going to put on the Dizzytron 500™ first once they were done.

Null couldn’t figure out why the group of flight suited ponies was flying around in circles over and over again, especially since so many of them appeared to be getting extremely fatigued from it. Soarin kept tweeting his whistle, however, and they kept flying. It wasn’t until the three hundredth revolution that the group finally came to a stop. Null landed and stood tall among the panting and wheezing ponies. None of this was getting him any closer to finding Rainbow Dash.

Soarin didn’t know exactly how to react. The mouthy pony didn’t seem fazed at all by the insane number of laps he’d just flown. All the others were about ready to crawl into early graves, but Null hadn’t even shed one drop of sweat. Soarin couldn’t accept this. Soarin wanted to move onto the Dizzytron 500™, but he couldn’t until he’d broken Null and made an example of him. Until Null was begging for mercy, Soarin was going to strike mercy from his vocabulary.

“Good job flying those laps, but now it’s time for some real work! I want you to run three hundred more laps.” That began a day of training a group of Wonderbolt hopefuls would likely never forget if they managed to survive.

“How does this batch of recruits look?” Rainbow Dash asked Spitfire. It had once fallen to her to train the recruits, but Spitfire’s promotion came with the ability to delegate that task so somepony else. She chose Soarin because he had a special place in his heart for torturing ponies weaker than him.

“Some old riff-raff as always. I don’t expect to see anything special,” Spitfire replied as the two made their way down the stadium’s hallways. They were heading to the main field to check on the current recruit’s training. It was already well past noon, so the recruits had probably moved on to practical drills at this point. The two mares hurried, knowing they might catch some great Dizzytron 500™ moments if they made it in time.

“Don’t worry, Spits,” Rainbow Dash said to her superior. “I’m sure Soarin will whip them into shape.” The two stunt fliers walked into the stadium proper.

“Only fifty more laps! I want to see those forelegs moving, and put your backs into it!”

Spitfire and Rainbow Dash weren’t sure what to make of the spectacle before them. It looked like a bunch of recruits doing laps standing on just their forelegs, wearing hoofball pads, and towing sleds loaded down with frozen yogurt. Neither of them remembered this being a regular exercise, or even an exercise for that matter. They avoided being trampled by the obviously tired ponies and made their way to the center of the field where Soarin was.

“What the hay is going on?” Spitfire asked, using her official voice to make sure Soarin knew she was serious.

“Warm-ups, ma’am!” Soarin saluted, to make sure Spitfire knew he was being professional and in control. She didn’t buy it for a second.

“A couple hundred laps of flying and running too pedestrian for you, Soarin?” Spitfire did her best to make it obvious that she was displeased with what was going on, but for some reason Soarin was extra dense today. The yogurt should have tipped her off.

“Gotta show these ponies that backtalk isn’t tolerated. Gotta make an example of the group’s troublemaker!” Soarin pointed a hoof at the one pony doing laps at a decent clip, even though his sled was weighed down with several buckets of sand and not yogurt. Rainbow Dash’s heart hopped, skipped, and blew chunks.

“Uh… oh.” Even under the pads and flight suit, she could easily identify the iron pony. There could only be one reason Null would show up at the stadium, and there was no way Rainbow Dash was going to let him carry on like he had the night after he’d been activated. She didn’t know how Null had managed to get himself into Wonderbolt’s Academy, but she could figure that out once she got him out of the academy. Having him stay around was not good news. “Soarin, I think you’d better lay off. You’re not going to break that guy.”

“What makes you say that, Dash?” Spitfire asked, but Rainbow Dash struggled to answer. “Do you know that pony?”

“Uh, yeah… sorta.”

Spitfire blew her whistle, causing all the running ponies to come to a halt. Null was the last to stop, still having to take his cue from the other runners. The need to depart to find Rainbow Dash was becoming increasingly urgent. He could not know how long she would be in the vicinity.

“Hey, you, big guy! Come here!”

Null turned his head to where a pony seemed to be calling at him. Scans revealed that Rainbow Dash was standing right in the center of the arena. He had been so focused on hauling sand in circles that he failed to notice. Delighted to have located his target at long last, he dragged his sledge all the way to the middle of the arena.

“Target acquired,” Null announced upon his arrival next to Rainbow Dash. He removed his pads and cast them aside onto some poor soul trying to catch her breath. Nopony paid her cry of anguish any mind.

“… Hi Null.” Rainbow Dash feigned a smile, cursing herself for ever speaking up. She took a little solace in knowing she probably prevented Soarin from killing the recruits.

“Pretty impressive work out there, Mr. Null,” Spitfire said to the mechanical stallion, who just looked like a normal pony to her. “You get lessons from Dash, here?”

“Negative.”

“Is that so?” Spitfire was surprised. She was sure that a pony with incredible talent who knew Rainbow Dash would have to attribute at least a little of it to her. “How do you two know each other?”

For Rainbow Dash, time froze. She knew what was going to happen before it did. She knew what Null was going to say before he said it. She knew, but she was powerless to stop it. Her life flashed before her eyes. She waved good-bye to her reputation. It was a good run, but the sun was setting on Rainbow Dash’s life as of today. She stood there with dinner plate eyes while Null sealed her fate.

“Rainbow Dash is this unit’s very special somepony.”

Spitfire and Soarin looked at Rainbow Dash, and then they looked at Null. They looked back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until their necks were sore. Rainbow Dash wondered what kind of things they would write on her tombstone now. She thought she’d better edit her will to state that Null wasn’t allowed to come to her funeral and to be sure Tank would be the beneficiary of her entire estate.

“You never mentioned having a special somepony, Rainbow Dash,” Spitfire said to her subordinate, the one that normally told her everything. Rainbow Dash didn’t buy a different breakfast cereal without running by her captain first, so the thought of that same pony going out and getting a coltfriend without telling a soul on the team seemed outlandish. She didn’t really take issue with it, but Spitfire couldn’t help but smell something kinda fishy.

Rainbow Dash, disappointed she hadn’t up and died already, wasn’t sure how to respond. She just stood there with her mouth open like a guppy. She wasn’t sure whether she should deny it outright or just agree with Null and go with the flow. In the end, she just ended up laughing weakly without saying a single word.

This development was just perfect for somepony else. Soarin couldn’t think of any better way of humiliating Null than by trouncing him in front of his marefriend. The previous exercises were foal’s play compared to what Soarin had brewing in his head for Null.

“Weeeell, we’re just going to have to give Null the ol’ Friends-And-Family Treatment, won’t we?” Soarin put a hoof around the robot’s neck, chumming it up just as well as he could fake it. Before Spitfire or Rainbow Dash could even begin to ask what the “Friends-And-Family Treatment” even was, Soarin was running his mouth again. “Let’s me and you have a little competition to see who can do the most laps at high speed, alright? I’ll go easy on you, let you pick the pace.”

“Understood.”

“Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea Soarin,” Rainbow Dash said, trying to warn Soarin before he did anything stupid. Soarin had already punched in the number for stupid and loaded up all the idiocy he had laying around, so there wasn’t any stopping him now. Telling him that Null was a confused robot with unlimited stamina might have fixed his attitude, but Rainbow Dash was more worried about her own hide than Soarin’s.

“Don’t worry. I said I would go easy on him, right buddy?” Soarin gave Null a friendly nudge with his hoof, which resulted in a hollow, metallic thud. Nopony but Rainbow Dash noticed.

“That’s not-” Rainbow Dash tried to stop them, but Soarin took to the air with Null following right behind. They started their competition, flying around the stadium at a speed that would have been only mildly strenuous for the average Wonderbolt.

“Don’t bother trying to stop them, Dash.” Spitfire put a hoof on the worried pegasus’s shoulder. “It’s just a stallion thing: being macho and junk. Let them run each other into the ground. I’m sure they’ll be best friends afterwards.”

Rainbow Dash didn’t have much say in the matter. She watched the two fly as they circled around the stadium with Soarin leading the way. He was obviously taking it easy, confident that he could beat his opponent at any speed. Null, on the other hoof, was content to fly circles around the stadium as long as Rainbow Dash was nearby. He could easily watch and pursue her if she tried to exit his field of awareness.

Soarin rolled and flew with his wings under him so he could face Null. “You sure you don’t want to slow down, buddy?” he asked. “I wouldn’t want you to wear yourself out too quickly.”

“This unit will maintain the current level of performance.” Null had calculated just how fast he could go without wiping out around the turns. He could fly around and around for weeks on end if his mission required him to. Soarin, however, had no way of knowing this.

“We’ll see how you feel about that choice in the end.”

A long day in the orchard was exhausting work for anypony. There are currently only two ponies working the entirety of Sweet Apple Acres: Big Macintosh and Big Lugnut. The Big Brothers-In-Law were sturdy, strong, and dependable, but they had their limits. They lacked the benefit of getting help from their respective wives, seeing as the two mares were getting pretty ripe themselves.

The labor side of business was left to the pair of stallions, and after a day of working hard they just wanted to sit out in the porch in the cool of the evening with a couple of apple ciders and just listen to the hum of another day ending.

“Eeyup.”

“Mmhmm.”

The pair was doing exactly what they wanted. It was pleasant and relaxing, exactly what they needed. Of course, there is only one rule concerning peaceful, serene scenes around Sweet Apple Acres: they are bound to be destroyed.

“Pa? PaaaAAAAaaa?!” Pippin appeared from the front door, shouting like a siren for her father. Despite being able to clearly see him from where she was standing, she still insisted on shouting for him. It might not be so much that she was looking for him rather than just wanting him to know she was coming for him. On the other hoof, sometimes there’s no telling what’s going through Pippin’s brain.

“Yes, sugar?” Lugnut said, taking another draught of cider before turning to his daughter. He had already accepted that she would be around to bother him tonight, but he was okay with that.

“Ah was jus’ wun’dren if’n you’d take me into town tuh-marrah,” Pippin said, her accent getting heavier in her excitement. “It’s Saterdee, so I ain’t got school ‘r nuthin’. Ah reckon Ah’d get awful bored if’n I stayed ‘round here.”

“I dunno, sugar. I’ve still got a lot of work to do tomorrow.” Lugnut ruffled his daughter’s mane, but he was surprised when he found his massive hoof was pushed aside. He looked down at Pippin, who was looking back up at him with a cross look that was somewhat reminiscent of her mother’s glare. “I would if I could, but it’s a busy time of year. Your uncle and I have to pick up the slack since your mother and aunt can’t help us out.”

Pippin puffed up her cheeks and trotted off back inside the house. Lugnut waited, aware that this was hardly the end of the conversation. He took another draught of cider.

“Three… two… one…”

“Lugnut!” Applejack came wobbling out of the door with Pippin scampering right behind her. “Can’t you just drop Pippin down at Rarity’s? It won’t take more than twenty minutes.”

“It’s more than just twenty minutes,” Lugnut said, correcting his wife. “It’s about twenty minutes down there and back, and that’s if the streets are all that busy. I’ll have to go back down and get her afterwards as well.”

“Just ask Gibson to walk her back,” Applejack suggested. “Ah reckon he’s got time on his hooves.”

“I wouldn’t want to but Gibson out like that.”

“No, you’d rather not put yerself out like that,” Applejack retorted. She hobbled around in front of him and glared right at his face. “You don’t need the entire day to work, you know? Just do this one thing, alright?”

“I’m already doing the thing I need to do.” Lugnut set down his drink. He furrowed his brow and stared up at the ceiling. “Look, I’ve already got everything planned out for tomorrow. If me and Mac can get it all done, we’ll be back on track again. I’d really like to just focus in tomorrow.”

“And you can’t spare just a few minutes for your daughter?” Applejack asked, the frustration starting to rise in her voice; however, she took a deep breath and calmed herself. She turned away from Lugnut and looked down at Pippin, smiling. “Well, I’d take you mahself, but-”

“Ah know! Yer all preg-nant an’ whatnot…”

“So Ah reckon you can go down by yourself.”

“What?!” Lugnut sat up with a start.

“Yah really mean it?” Pippin asked, bouncing up and down with excitement. “Awh shucks! Wait’ll Ah tell Swansong ‘bout this! She’ll be jealous fer sher!”

“No, that’s out of the question!” Lugnut stood up and toward over his family. His voice shook with disapproval. “Pippin is too young for that.”

“Young-shmung. Ah went all the way to Manehattan by mahself when I was about her age. She’s a smart girl; she kin handle herself,” Applejack insisted. “It’s about time we started givin’ her some more responsibilities. We should let’er have this chance to prove herself.”

“She has responsibilities, many of which you don’t trust her with already,” Lugnut retorted. “You’re just doing this to get on my nerves.”

“Ah am not!” Applejack shouted, seriously offended by the wild accusation. “Ah’m bein’ serious here.”

“You’re the one who always scolds her for going out on her own. Don’t put me in this kind of position just because you’re being moody.”

“Don’t you dare play that card, mister!”

At this point, the argument had escalated into a mere shouting match. Taking their cue to give the couple some space, Big Macintosh got up and ushered his niece inside. He shut the door behind them, but it did little to muffle the sound of shouting. Attracted by all the noise, Applebloom appeared in the hallway.

“Are they seriously going at it again?” she asked, getting a nod each from her relatives. “They’re gonna wake up Tinker if they keep this up. Somepony oughta tell them to simmer down.”

“Nnope,” Big Macintosh said, retreating rather swiftly down the hallway, towards his room. The largest among them wasn’t up to the task, so neither were the smaller two. The shouting raged on, while Pippin stared down at the floor.

“Any idea what they’re arguin’ about?” Applebloom asked, taking a seat next to her niece.

“It’s me again,” Pippin said in a mumble.

“Well, you don’t know that fer shore…”

“No, it’s me alraght.” Pippin sunk down to the floor, laying on her belly. “It’s always mah fawlt.”

“Now I know that ain’t true.”

The door to the house suddenly swung open, banging against the wall.

“Pippin! Upstairs! Now!” Applejack tottered past her and up the stairs, stopping halfway to look back at Pippin. “Ah said now!”

Pippin slowly got to her hooves and turned towards the stairs.

“Ah told ya.” She left Applebloom downstairs and followed her mother to her room in a slow procession. Applejack closed the door behind them, but then crawled up on Pippin’s bed. She patted the space next to her, indicating for her daughter to join her. Pippin complied, but her mother said nothing. The pregnant mare just stared at the far wall.

“Ah ain’t mad at you,” she finally said after a little while. It served to make Pippin feel a little better, but the fact remained that her mother was still mad. “Yer father doesn’t want you goin’ into town alone. Spike and Applebloom might have plans of their own tomorrow, but Ah’ll ask if they’ll take you into town tomorrow.”

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“It’s alright… y’all don’t have to ma’am me,” Applejack said, removing her hat and placing it on her daughter. She allowed herself to drop onto her side, laying down on the bed. “Shouldn’t be this complicated for a filly to play with her friend.”

“If’n nopony can take me, Ah kin just stay here ‘n help Apple Barrel wif his schoolwork er somethin’,” Pippin said, offering an alternative solution to the problem.

“But you worked hard to finish yer’s so you could play with Swansong tomorrow,” Applejack said. “Ah’d hate to see yer hard work go to waste.”

“Ah would’ve finished it pretty dern quick anyways,” Pippin confessed. “If’n Ah’m being honest, Ah only went and said Ah’d do it all quick-like today to git some lev-rage fer askin’ you to go to town tuh-marrah.”

“Sugarcube, yer too smart fer yer own good.”

“Ms. Cheerilee is sayin’ that to me all the tah-me too.” Pippin flopped down on her stomach next to her mother. “Although, she’s always scoldin’ me when she says it. Why just this Wed-ness-day, she was sayin’ no good could come from tryin’ to instant-gate a stable-lied barber econ-no-knee in the class based on the demand ‘n supply fer certain lunch goods ‘n whatnot. Ah told her I hadn’t understood a word she said, and that Ah just wanted to make sure all lunch trades were fair ‘n square so there wouldn’t be no squabblin’.”

“The letter Cheerilee sent home with you just said you’d secretly shuffled the contents of everypony’s lunches.”

“Ah already knew what trades Ah had to make to acquire Zippy’s puddin’, so Ah just wanted to save some lunchtime by doin’ them pre-emptily,” Pippin said, explaining the motivation behind her scheme. “Cheerilee said that even if Ah’d worked that out, Ah still had to ask permission. Ah explained the whole derned process to her, and that was when she said that thing: ‘Yer too smart fer yer own good.’”

“And that you are,” Applejack said, tipping her hat over her daughter’s eyes and chuckling. “One day yer gonna use that brain of yours to get yerself into a bit too much trouble, young lady.”

“Well… Ah reckon Ah’m always in trouble…”

“Aww, sugarcube.” Applejack reached across her belly and pulled her daughter in close. It was an awkward embrace, but it was the best she could manage. “You know fer all mah yellin’ and hollerin’ atcha, Ah still love you.”

Pippin mumbled something into Applejack that sounded a lot like “Ah love you too.” The mother and daughter remained that way for a long while. Somewhere along the line, Pippin fell asleep. Applejack didn’t want to get up for fear of waking her, but then realized she was actually very comfortable right where she was. She spent the night in this way, embraced by another pony.

When Soarin came to, Spitfire and a couple ponies from the medical staff were standing over him. Delirious, he wondered what he was doing soaking wet and splayed out in the field in the darkness. Piece by piece and agonizing moment by agonizing moment, his memories swarmed back. The very end of his little competition with Null was still a blur, meaning there was one question he wanted answered.

“Did I win?” A goofy smiled spread out across his face.

“Soarin, after seven thousand laps you got so tired you passed out and fell through the cloud surface. Null caught you and towed you back up to the field while you were too tired to even stay awake,” Spitfire explained to him. Soarin was still smiling, hopeful. “You didn’t win.”

“I lost… to the newbie?!” Soarin sat up much too fast, accidentally making his head spin in three different directions. He managed to stay upright and even stand with the help of one of the medics once everything around him held still. He focused on Null, who was standing a few yards away from him next to Rainbow Dash. He felt his nostrils involuntarily flare and his ears pin straight back. “He has to be cheating!”

“He’s not cheating Soarin,” Rainbow Dash told him, thinking she was technically right. It was true that Null was a robot and therefore free from fatigue or injury, but that was just how he was. She tried not to think about it because the more she did the more it seemed to her that Null was indeed cheating. “He’s sturdy, is all.”

“Sturdy?” Spitfire stepped in between the two and looked up at Null. “He did all those warm-ups that ran the other recruits ragged and then managed to tire out a Wonderbolt without even breaking a sweat. Forget sturdy! This pony is a machine!”

Rainbow Dash decided she should neither deny or confirm Spitfire’s claim.

“How is this pony not a Wonderbolt already?” Spitfire asked, sounding uncharacteristically eager to sign Null on after just one display of endurance. Soarin couldn’t believe what he was hearing, nor did he want to believe it. He wanted to do everything he could to prevent Null from being a Wonderbolt, but Rainbow Dash beat him to the punch.

“With all due respect, ma’am, Null isn’t cut out to be a Wonderbolt.”

“What makes you say that?” Spitfire waited for an explanation of why this pony wouldn’t make a good stunt flier. He seemed to have decent speed and unholy stamina, so she could only guess what kind of faults he could possibly possess.

“He’s too heavy, ma’am.” Rainbow Dash said nothing more. Spitfire and Soarin waited, but there was apparently nothing to wait for. According to Rainbow Dash, Null was too fat to be a Wonderbolt.

“Dash, do you have any idea how massive a pegasus would have to be before it seriously started messing with his flight performance? If he has a little trouble with turns or slowing down, we can slim him down and teach him the tricks of the trade. He can’t be that heavy,” Spitfire responded. She had seen bigger ponies become Wonderbolts, even if the vast majority of Wonderbolts were on the svelte side.

“If you don’t believe me, weigh him,” Rainbow Dash said, issuing her challenge while standing her ground. Spitfire looked dubious to the whole weight issue, but she sent for a scale anyway. If Dash was really bluffing, she wouldn’t gamble on it like this. Spitfire suspected there was more to the issue of Null being a Wonderbolt than just a little extra pie in his stomach, but she knew enough to see it was probably a personal thing between the couple. Null’s eligibility came down to weight.

“Alright Null, step on up,” Spitfire told the mechanical wonder once the scale had arrived. Null complied with his normal response at he stepped onto the scale. With just one hoof, the needle jumped all the way to its limit. Stepping all the way on, the scale groaned as the needle tried to spin farther than it was designed to. Spitfire just stared back and at the weight reading and the pony who it belonged to. It seemed impossible.

“This is a one ton scale, you can’t tip it that easily and still be alive,” Spitfire pointed out. Soarin and Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but gawk a little too. Soarin couldn’t believe he had lost to such a fat pony while Rainbow Dash realized she seriously underestimated just how heavy Null was. “What are you, made of rocks?”

“This unit is mostly iron.”

“I’ll say!” Spitfire replied. “There’s muscle-bound and then there’s just muscle, and you are just muscle. Dash is right, I don’t think the Wonderbolts can deal with a pony like you. Sorry about that.”

“This unit does not see how assimilating into the Wonderbolts would assist his primary programming; therefore, this unit does not desire to be a Wonderbolt,” Null explained, baffling most everypony present. Rainbow Dash was too busy being relieved to be baffled.

“If you don’t want to be a Wonderbolt, why are you here?” Soarin asked, storming right up to Null. Understandably, getting trounced by a complete stranger at his own game only to have that stranger state that they have no interest in playing anyway was a bit upsetting for the poor stallion.

“This unit was in pursuit of Rainbow Dash,” Null admitted. “Adjustments have been made to the romance function, therefore this unit desires to commence with primary programming.”

“Oh, so the loverboy just came to see his fillyfriend?” Soarin got nose to nose with Null, who had a notably cold nose for somepony who had just done so much flying and running. “Why are you wearing a flight suit and making a mockery of me?”

Null processed this information for a moment. He did indeed defeat Soarin in a competition in front of Rainbow Dash. If Soarin filled the position of his love-rival, he would have completed a large part of his programming. He ran a few tests and crunched a couple of numbers, and in the end he decided that Soarin would be suitable for his love-rival. Although Soarin was only defeated and not sliced in half then eaten by piranhas, Null decided the current situation was adequate. Already, his new romance function was working.

“This unit was required to best you in order to display his supremacy. Now Null will take his place as Rainbow Dash’s true lover.”

Soarin couldn’t think up a snappy comeback. The wheels in his head had to do some turning to figure out what Null meant. He backed up and put a hoof to his mouth, gazing vacantly into the distance. Something about what Null had said was important, and he needed to riddle it out.

“Well, inter-office romances usually make messes anyway. Maybe it’s better to keep you two lovebirds apart” Spitfire said with a dismissive shrug, embarrassing Rainbow Dash very thoroughly. “… But…”

“But what?” Rainbow Dash jumped forward at her superior. She didn’t want to hear any “buts.” Null wasn’t going to be a Wonderbolt and that was that. There could be no “buts.” She wouldn’t allow any “buts.”

“Certain training exercises have been a hassle since the old equipment manager threw his back out and then retired. There’s an opening for a strong, hardworking pegasus if he’s willing to accept it.” Spitfire held a hoof out towards Null, but he didn’t so much as twitch. He kept staring right through Spitfire. “I mean you, big guy.”

“Null cannot see how this task would benefit him,” Null stated. Moving equipment didn’t do anything for his primary function. He couldn’t accept a task that would distract from his goal.

“You’ll get to see Dash every day.”

“This unit accepts your offer.” Null took Spitfire’s hoof and shook it, a mannerism he learned by reading Plantains of Passion.

“You’re giving him a job?” Rainbow Dash asked, noticing something bad had developed before she had a chance to stop it. It was bad enough that Null had shown up today unannounced, but giving him an excuse to be around all day every day wasn’t acceptable.

“Yeah, I’m giving him a job. Kinda surprised that you’d go for a deadbeat, but love is love I suppose.” Spitfire turned and gestured for Null to follow her. “C’mon, Null. I’ll show you the ropes and then I’ll explain what your job is.”

Rainbow Dash watched her captain and Null walk off, still powerless to stop the situation from progressing. She took a few calming breaths and reminded herself that everything would be okay. She just needed to force Twilight to figure out how to get Nil and Null to turn off faster. Her reputation and her sanity were at stake. She spread her wings and decided to finally head home so she could hunt down her favorite egghead in order to get cracking on a solution to their robot problem.

Long after everypony had left, Soarin was still puzzling by his lonesome in the moonlight. The wheels in his head spun and spun and spun until the hamsters could run no more. He was just about to give up, when a light bulb went off.

“Does Rainbow Dash have a thing for me?”

There was still a skip in Planter’s step as he locked his store up after another very pleasant day. With his new number one employee, running the shop was smooth sailing. He looked over to Nil, who was wearing that same, vacant expression he always did. Under the influence of magic, he couldn’t tell that the expression was simply soldered on.

“I got say, Nil… you’re the best thing to ever happen to this store.”

“This unit has calculations suggesting there is a high probability that you are exercising hyperbole.” Nil could contest that the store’s success was mostly due to the fact that there was a burgeoning market it could sell its wares too or even to the fact that the store operated during hours ponies were out among the city streets. Nil’s presence hardly factored in at all, if he read the sales records from all ten years back correctly.

“Oh, nonsense. Give yourself a little more credit,” Planter said with a playful nudge. “That Twilight Sparkle is lucky to have such a diligent young stallion like you courting her.”

“Negative: this unit is programmed to love her. Luck does not factor into the probability of my programming being fulfilled,” Nil explained. Planter wasn’t at all sure what he meant, but Nil always sounded awfully determined whenever Twilight was brought up.

“Well, it makes sense that she’d go for a smart guy like you,” Planter went on to say. “Her nose has been all the way in a book since she was born! I bet you’re pretty smart yourself.”

“Query: Twilight Sparkle is more likely to court a pony who is ‘smart’?” Nil asked, the thought never coming up in his current program.

“Totally.” Planter couldn’t help but laugh at how naïve Nil sounded sometimes. It was almost as if he had no idea how to properly socialize and was poorly attempting to integrate himself; he was a silly pony. “I bet she’d get bored talking to somepony who wasn’t as smart as her, but you’ll be fine. You at least know a lot about flowers, so you’ve gotta know about other stuff too.”

“Noted: knowledge of flowers is adequate.” Nil processed what he was hearing, what he was learning. Being smart sounded like an important part of winning Twilight’s affections, so he must discover how she operationally defines smart and then act in that manner. From what he could gather thus far, amassing great amounts of knowledge on certain subjects had something to do with it. “Knowledge on flowers was obtained from books.”

“Yeah, I bet you read as much as her too.” Planter pocketed his key and started wandering towards home with a chuckle. “A couple of bookworms sounds kind of cute.”

Nil stood idle as Planter went on his way. The robot was analyzing data and adjusting his programming as needed. This new information could provide the breakthrough he needed after last night’s blunder, but only if he properly analyzed it and accounted for all possible scenarios. In the end, there was only one course of action to take.

“This unit must acquire books.”