//------------------------------// // Winning is easy, Sean Connery is just awesome. // Story: Equestrian Jeopardy // by CosmicAfro //------------------------------// The camera man, perhaps for the twelve billionth time of his life considering the time span of this show, zoomed in on the host as he made his way on to the set. With his usual apathetic demeanor, Alex Trebek greeted the audience. “And welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Music edition. Today’s match has been going absolutely horrible for two contestants and I for one could not be happier.” The crowd in the stands laughed. “With that being said,” he continued, “let’s look at our scores. First we have Dj Pon-3, a.k.a. Vinyl Scratch, with a whopping negative eight thousand points.” “Octavia, babe! I’m on TV!” she waved her hoof to the camera while still maintaining her consistent pattern of head bobbing. Miraculously, her white headphones still hadn’t fallen the entire session. “I’m sure she’s very proud… next we have Tom the rock who’s in the lead with zero points, a smart maneuver on his part.” “…” His shades didn’t even move off of his impressive poker face. “Quite… and finally we have, who somehow manages to make it on to every single episode, Sean Connery with negative four thousand and five hundred points.” “What can I shay Trebek, I just have the music in me." “Right, well before I get interrupted let’s i-“ The spikey haired Dj blurted out, “Yo Treble!” “It’s pronounced Trebek, and yes, what is it this time Ms. Scratch?” “When are we gunna hit up those new catagories?” “I was just ab-“ “Because Octavia and I were gunna hit a club!” Tom sat there quietly… like an immovable boulder. “This is why I hate my job. Let’s move on to the catagories. We have: ‘Potent Potables’ ‘Sing your ABC’s’ ‘The Grand Staff’ ‘Don’t do anything’ For this category I’d like to remind our contestants not to do anything and you win. ‘Piano or Panflute’ ‘Things that rhyme with Silver’ And ‘name that color’.” Tom stared down the competition by focusing on the board. “Ms. Scratch, the board is yours.” “Ok Treble, I’ll take Potent Potables for six hundred.” Trebl- err, Trebek stood there at his podium, dumbfounded. “You chose Potent Potables?” “Yeh, why not Treble, sounds spankin’!” “Well… no one in Jeopardy history has actually ever chosen that category. We don’t even have any cards for it.” “In that case Trebek,” Sean Connery jumped into the conversation, “I’ll take The Grand Staff for four hundred.” Again, the host stood bewildered. “You’re going to take The Grand Staff… no dysfunctional joke?” “Well, Trebek, I would have insulted yours, but how can I insult something you don’t have?” Despite how hilarious the joke was, Tom kept his mute expression without even the slightest indication of flinching. “I really should have seen that coming… how about we move on to the question. It is: ‘Name the letters on the Grand Staff.’” *Bring!*”Yes, Mr. Connery.” “G-r-a-n-d-s-t-f.” “I’m sorry but that’s incorrect.” “Clearly you don’t know how to spell, Trebek.” “Mr. Connery it’s n-“ “I once won the spelling bee in high school. Let me show you my skill by spelling out ‘your mom’. B-I-T-.” *Bring!* “Yes, Ms. Scractch.” “Hey Treble, where’s the rest room?” “It’s through that backstage door.” He pointed with his thumb at the general area where the exit resided. “Thanks!” she showed a quick bout of appreciation and charged off the set. Tom didn’t seem to notice. “Well, that was… interesting. While we are waiting on Ms. Scratch to conduct her… business, let’s have Tom the rock take the board.” *Bring!* “Mr. Connery, there hasn’t been a question yet.” “I know that, Trebek. But I can’t believe you’d stoop so low as to ask a rock a question and actually have him respond.” “Frankly Mr. Connery, he’s done better than every single game you’ve ever done on this stage.” “Well Trebek, how about a small wager.” “…go on.” Sean grasped both sides of the podium. “If I lose this game, I’ll pay you one hundred dollars.” He paused for a moment. “But if I win, Trebek, you have to come to next show with a shaved head and moustache.” “Take the bet!” Vinyl’s voice rang out from the bathroom, somehow managing to hear the entire thing. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, but alright Mr. Connery, you have a deal.” Tom knew that actions spoke louder than words, so when he didn’t do anything, he really said a lot more than he should have. Thankfully, no one heard his slander. “Very well, we’re going to go straight to final Jeopardy then so we can get Mr. Connery, and my stress medication, over with.” “One second Treble!” the head bobbing Dj asked. A hushed “flush” could be heard in the background before the musically inclinded mare returned to her podium. Tom would have greeted her, like the polite gentlestone he is, but he took his competition very seriously. “Ok… the final Jeopardy is: Draw an instrument. Any instrument, any one at all. A trumpet, a tamberine, or even a Kazoo. Anything… anything at all.” The timer rang along with the ceasing of the song. “Alright, let’s start with Ms. Scratch. You drew: “Yourself at a rave with a remixer, and you wagered…” “…thank goodness that it’s censored.” “I told you Octavia that I’d do it! BAM!” “Right… next we have Tom the rock with…” “Ahh, keeping the no answer tactic. Smart move. You wagered…” “Nothing… of course. Finally we have Sean Connery who submitted… “A banana, which is incorrect… and wagered…” “How do I not see any of these coming?” Tom stood there modestly as he accepted his winnings, not moving a muscle. “Join us next time for Jeopardy: Doubles edition, where two contestants are at each podium.”