//------------------------------// // Chapter the Fourth: War of the Apples // Story: A Homeric Epic in Equestria // by KingHonorius12 //------------------------------// Homer woke up in his bed the next morning. “I’m home,” he observed. “But how did I get back from that cake shop with all of the horses?” He thought about it for a moment. He would have thought it was just a dream, but if that was a dream, then all of the good things that happened before he woke up were also just dreams, like when he went to Candyland with Krusty and Duffman, and that made him sad. Homer isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, so it took him awhile to realize he wasn’t alone in the bedroom. But eventually… “Huh? Kids!” His children surrounded his bed, smiling at him. “I missed you all! Bart! Lisa! Maggie! Selma! AHHH!” He shrieked when he realized that his sister-in-law and brief stepmother was also at his bedside. “Hello, Homer,” rasped the ugliest woman to get married six or seven or eight times. “What d-do you want from m-me, you h-h-h-hag?” He barely managed to say. “Nothing.” Homer breathed a sigh of relief. “…except to congratulate me and Bart on our wedding.” “AHHHHHHHHH!” She thrust both of her hands at Homer. Her left hand sported a diamond ring, while the other held Bart’s left hand, which also had a diamond ring on it. “No!” said Homer. “This can’t be true! This is impossible!” “Bart and I love each other very much; don’t we, dear?” “Yup,” Bart answered. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Homer shouted. “You she-devil! How could you do this to my family?!” “Because Bart loves me,” said Selma. “A hell of a lot more than you, Dad.” Added Bart. “WHY YOU LITTLE…” Homer began choking the boy with a passion he’d never had before. “GACKLKKLAGHLKGLAKHACKLAHACKAGAKAKAKKGHK!” said Bart. All of a sudden, Lisa and Maggie flew at Homer and swallowed each of his hands, biting down on his wrists. “OWWW!” Homer jumped out of bed in response to the pain. He saw Bart running out the door and Selma trying to get out of the bedroom on her hands and knees. He closed the door ahead of her with his right hand, covered by Maggie. He looked down at the trapped, helpless, but still ugly Selma. “There’s no escape for you now,” said Homer with a trembling sadistic rage. “You will never relate to my family through marriage ever again! Except through Marge! But it won’t matter because you’ll be dead!” He prepared to kick Selma to death when Maggie started kicking him quite hard for a one-year-old. “Maggie, let daddy kill your bad auntie. You’ll understand when your husband tries to kill Lisa someday.” Then Lisa delivered a furious kick to Homer’s gonads. “OWWWWWWW!!” Homer eyes winced in pain. When they gradually blinked back open, the scene had completely changed. Now he was in an unfamiliar bedroom in a farmhouse, towering over a little old lady. Who wasn’t a lady. She was a green pony. Biting down on his wrists were a young, orange mare and a little yellow filly with a bright red mane. “Hz hnn tssts rss dn sr mlk!” Said the yellow filly. “Cnt her uh! Hs hn iz lkk buhgmm dsh mwy aha mwen yes od!” Said the orange mare. The old green mare (though she ain’t what she used to be) had been cowering beneath the rampaging yellow hulk, but realized that Homer had stopped moving. She grabbed her granddaughters by the tails and yanked them off of his hands. Homer yelped as the ponies’ jaws were ripped from his wrists. Applejack and Applebloom fell onto the floor in front of Granny Smith. Applejack began rubbing her flank, while Applebloom spat up a storm. “Oww…” said Applejack “Did you have to pull so hard on us, Granny?” “Pbth! Puh! Splbth! Those were the worst hooves I ever tasted!” Said Applebloom. “Really? With all the times you’ve put your hoof in your mouth?” Applejack very half-heartedly teased. Applebloom looked at Applejack, stuck her tongue out and pointed her hoof at it. “All right now, Mr. Simpson,” said Applejack as she stood up to face him from about half of his height. “AHH! How do you know my name?!” Applejack blinked. “If you’re gonna be making more trouble like what you’ve just done, you ain’t welcome on this farm! “Pfft, you can’t scare me. I know my rights!” Said Homer. The tension shot sky high as they stared each other down. “What are my rights?” Asked Homer cluelessly. “YOU GOT THE RIGHT TO LEAVE THIS BUCKING FARMHOUSE BEFORE I KICK YOUR FLANK FROM HERE TO APPLEOOSA!” Screamed Applejack. “Sis…” started Applebloom. “SHUT IT, APPLEBLOOM!” Applejack caught the little filly severely off guard. She had never talked that way to her little sister before. But it had been a long time since she had been this angry… or since she had so many tears in her eyes. “YOU MONSTER! YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE APPLEBLOOM WITHOUT A GRANNY AND A BIG BROTHER! AS IF WE HADN’T HAD ENOUGH HARDSHIPS AROUND HERE!” There was a pause as Applejack started gasping with sobs, then just as quickly suppressed them. “Sis?” “Did you even realize what you were doing?!” Applejack said with a quiet fury. “What?” asked Homer. “YOU WERE KICKIN' THE SPIT OUT OF GRANNY SMITH! YOU CHOKED BIG MAC!” “WHAT?!” Homer shouted in terror. “I SAID..." she paused, "I-I said you nearly choked Big Mac!…” Applejack said, confused by the sudden change that had come over Homer, “NO! I couldn’t have!” Homer said in alarm. “His neck is so big! My hands can’t even fit around…” He looked around the room in panic. “This lamp!” He said, pointing to a lamp almost as tall as he was. He attempted to grasp the thin lamp with his two hands… easily. “Ah!” He grasped it with a single hand… no problem. “AH!” He took his ring finger and his pinkie, and placed them on either side of the lamp, dividing them so that only Mr. Fantastic could perform such a feat as enclosing the lamp’s body with just those two fingers. His fingers enclosed around the lamp. “AHHH!” He stumbled backward into a pratfall. “I couldn’t have done it!” “Mr. Simpson?” said Applejack. “I would never do it!” “Mr. Simpson, I…” “BUT I DID!” Cried Homer. “I ALMOST TOOK A LIFE!” Homer ran out of the room weeping, leaving the three mares agape. There was a minute of silence before Applejack spoke up. “Applebloom… I’m sorry I shouted at you. Could you help up Granny Smith?” “Okay,” said Applebloom softly. Applejack left the bedroom and walked outside into the rays of Celestia’s rising sun, taking her thoughts with her. The creature called “Homer Simpson” didn’t seem to know what he was doing, and he seemed genuinely upset over what he’d done. But this didn’t concern her as much as the fears that his bout of misdirected rage had brought to the surface. In the many years since her parents had gone, she’d never imagined losing anypony else in the family. Yet in her nightmares they were there and then they were not; and afterwards she felt miserable and alone. She looked around and spotted Homer. He was kneeling on the grass with his eyes closed and hands folded. He was murmuring something to himself. Applejack trotted over to see what he was doing. *A minute earlier* “Oh, Ronald,” said Homer. “Please forgive me for assaulting Officer Big Mac. I never meant to strangle him, but I got really angry when I was asleep, and you know how that is. But the talking horse who sounds like George Bush said he’s alive, and I’m really glad about that. Ronald bless everyone in McDonaldland… except for Hamburglar, since he steals hamburgers… and Grimace, because he’s scary… and Birdie, since she doesn’t bring breakfast at lunch or dinnertime… and Mayor McCheese, who won’t get my vote until he promises to serve the Shamrock Shake, the McRib, and the Whopper all year round… actually, screw everyone in McDonaldland, but tell Big Mac I’m sorry. Amen. “Mr. Simpson?” Applejack trotted over to where Homer was praying “Call me Homer,” he said. “Homer,” said Applejack, “You didn’t mean to do what you just did, did you?” “Actually, I don’t really mean to do most of what I do. Things always end up how I don’t want them to, which is really confusing, like when I meant to buy a cool hat, but ended up drunk and getting Marge pregnant instead for some reason. I wish I had a hat.” Applejack found talking to Homer very weird, like a cross between Big Mac’s slowness and Pinkie Pie’s randomness. “You really scared us in there,” said Applejack. “I’m hungry,” said Homer. “What?!” “Ooh!” Homer spotted the beginning of the groves of the apple farm. He ran over and plucked an apple from the nearest tree. He began munching on it in satisfaction. “Why?! But we... I… Augh!!!” Her half-formed protests did nothing to deter Homer’s appetite. “How can you be thinking about food after what just happened?!” He stared at her. “Because I’m hungry now,” he said matter-of-factly. “What about what you just did?!” … “But I’m hungry now.” He continued to munch on the apple. “Hey Sis!” Applejack looked around and saw Applebloom galloping towards her ahead of Big Macintosh and Granny Smith. Applebloom stopped right in front of her and looked her straight in the eyes. “Is everything going to be okay now?” Applejack looked back at Homer, now on his fourth apple. Then she looked back at Applebloom. She hugged her. “I think so, sugarcube.” “What about that yellow monster?” “He ain’t going to be hurting anypony else. He’s really sorry what he’s done. Isn’t that right?” She asked. Homer continued munching on his tenth apple. “Homer?” said Applejack a bit more seriously. “Huh? Oh, sure!” “Do you promise?” Asked Applebloom. “Can’t talk, eating.” Applebloom looked at Applejack nervously. “I’m sure he means yes, sugarcube.” Applejack looked equally nervous. An approaching sound of galloping hooves heralded the arrival of Applejack’s friends. “Hey, Applejack!” Yelled Rainbow Dash, “Why didn’t you tell us it was awake?” “Oh my goodness!” Shouted Rarity as she pointed at Homer, “It’s eating Applejack’s livelihood!” “WHAT?!” Everyone chorused (Except Homer, who was moving on to a second tree). “The apples! It’s eating her family’s apples!” Everyone stared at Rarity. “Why didn’t you just say ‘It’s eating the apples’?” inquired Rainbow Dash. “It’s eating a lot of apples…” said Rarity. “Yeah, but for a moment we thought you said that he was eating her alive." “That’s a terrible thing to say!” said Pinkie scoldingly. “Thanks for not saying it!” She added cheerfully. “Actually, that is quite a lot of apples he’s eating,” said Applejack, putting her hoof to her chin nervously. “Hey, Homer! Don’t you think you’ve had enough to eat?” Homer had only a limited amount of programmed responses to this question: >Reply, Continue Eating Reply, Continue Eating Reply, Continue Eating Reply, Continue Eating Mahna, Mahna “Never!” thundered Homer defiantly. Then he went back to calmly eating apples off of the tree. “He’s gonna eat the entire orchard by noon at this rate!” exclaimed Applejack. “What are we going to do?!” Cried Fluttershy in distress. “What are we going to do?!” Shouted Rainbow Dash determinedly. “What if he eats my dresses?!” Shrieked Rarity. “Will you all calm down?” Asked Twilight exasperatedly. “Pinkie Pie? What are you muttering?” Pinkie Pie was a distance away from everyone else, muttering… …to a cupcake. “I know ya wanted out of da business…” The cupcake said nothing. “I know ya wanted to spend some quality time with da wife and kids before ya cashed in yer chips…” The cupcake said nothing. “I know ya called it quits, but you’ve gotta do this last job.” The cupcake said nothing. “Ya may not come out of it alive, but it’s a risk we’re willing to take…” The cupcake said nothing. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get ya off da hook…” The cupcake said nothing. “But remember that this was all strictly business…” The cupcake said nothing. “Don’t make this any harder for me than it already is…” “…I love you,” said the cupcake. “We’ll always have Prance, kid,” said Pinkie. “Hey, Omar!” Homer turned his head just as he picked an apple off of his sixth tree. “Huh?” “If you stop eating apples, I’ll give you this cupcake!” She held it up for all to see. “Okay!” Replied Homer, who gleefully ran over to snatch the cupcake out of Pinkie Pie’s hoof (“Yoink!”) and wolf it down (“Om nom nom nom!”). “Good work, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight. “But was it really worth it boss?” Asked Pinkie Pie grimly. “Was it really worth it?” … “Yes?” Replied Twilight confusedly. “Yeah, you’re right!” agreed Pinkie Pie, once again cheerful. “Well, Homer, I’m thrilled to tell you that you’ve been invited to Canterlot Castle today by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!” Said Twilight, though she was not quite as thrilled as she acted. “I don’t know…” said Homer cautiously. “Will there be food?” “Snacks and beverages are readily available at all times, and a sumptuous banquet shall be served this evening at sunset!” “Will there be food?” “I… just told you that there would be plenty to eat and drink…” “But will there be food?” Pried Homer. Twilight finally got the gist. “Yes. There. Will. Be. Food.” “Then it’s go time…” said Homer.