//------------------------------// // I swear I didn't touch that // Story: All the Worlds a Stage // by operaticphantom //------------------------------// Ah, the peaceful town of Ponyville. So serene, so peaceful. It's every brony's dream to visit there.....Unfortunately, our story does not take place there. Our story takes place in the city of Neighyork, where everything is always moving...especially today. Shouts erupted through the streets, and the ponies walking by shrieked in fear as they saw the rabble of oncoming ponies that was approaching. However, if one looked closer, it could be noticed that the group wasn't a common rabble or riotous ponies, but rather a group of armed guards, chasing someone. What the thing was, no pony was quite sure. "Stop You!!! COME BACK HERE!!! HALT IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCESS!!!!" "Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one thanks. I've got places to be, things to see...people to do...Byeeee!" And with that, the creature disappeared down a dark alleyway, but when the guards rushed down the alley the creature had vanished, it was as if it had vanished. All that was in there were a few cans of garbage, and a stray cat. "Huh, nothing here after all." As the guards left, there was a small popping sound, and where once a stray cat was sat a dark figure, clad in black, with horns, a tail, and glowing markings. "Damn... How in the hell did I get into this one." Hi there. I'm the thing that was being chased. Sorry about that. I kinda started you off from the middle, so you kinda had a lack of back story...uuhhh..... how about I start from the beginning, alright? Oh, and where are my manners, my name is Richard. It was a regular to day on the job for me. I worked in a downtown New York bar for a steady earning, but really, what I wanted to be was an actor. From time to time I got some parts, playing background characters, extras, and sometimes, Minor characters, who got more than just one line. I didn't mind, so long as I was on stage, I was happy. But, I had to pay the bills somehow, so I got a job working in a pub. It wasn't that bad really; the owners were nice, and the workload wasn't too bad, but it was something I did in between acting. So one day, I'm working the bar as usual, when a particularly drunken man walks up to the bar and starts trying to strike up a conversation with me. He was about my height, with yellow and green eyes, brown hair, with a scraggly beard. I expected him to start talking about his troubles, but this guy, for some reason, started talking about something...different. "So, you heard about this new craze?" "Pardon sir?" "This new weird thing where guys watch this show for little girls....what are they called again?" "Bronies?" "Yeah that's it!.....You wouldn't happen to be one would you?" A cold sweat poured over me. How did he know? Actors were an odd bunch, yes, but if this got out, I'd be a laughing stock. I'd never get another part again!!! So, using my best stage presence, I calmly and coolly talked my way out of it..... "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!" You could just feel the charm and oozing off of me. However, what the stranger said next surprised me. "No need to worry friend, your secrets safe with me. I too am a brony, so no need to fret." "Realy? Whew, for a second there I thought that this was going to get awkward." "Ah no worries dude. Hey, how about after your shift, you and I grab a drink eh?" "Alright, that sounds awesome! Oh, hey before I forget, can I get your name?" "Sure, it's Oli. Oli D. Ammara. and you? "Oh, I'm Richard." Strangely, when I went to ask my boss for the night off (who was notorious for not letting his workers getting the night off), he said yes! As you can imagine, I reacted with all the dignity and poise that acting had taught me... "WOOHOOOO LET'S GET WASTED!!!" Yes....dignity..... And just like that, we were off, a night of debauchery and derlight awaited us. Now this is where my memory begins to fade, because all I can recall was something about a drinking game, a donkey, an Irish nun, a bottle of honey, and, for the strangest reason, ten pounds of chicken feathers. The next morning I awoke with a splitting head ache, and my body felt like lead, and I couldn't seam to even move it correctly. "W-where... where am I? Oooohhhh, my head....blurg." "Ah, good you're awake then, said a voice. I began to get up as I looked up at the source of the noise, my head pounding in pain. "Is that you Oli? F*** you, you son of a bitch, if you ever convince me to do that again I-... Why is everything look like it's from a cartoon?.....am I on acid?" Indeed, it seamed that everything was... well, more colorful. The trees, the grass, the sky, all of it seamed more vibrant and full of life than back home, and yet it all was contained in a black outline. I looked down at my claws, surprised that they too weren't contained in a cartoonish outline...wait... claws? "....... I take it your silence is one of either shock and disbelief, or of rage, am I correct?" "........" "....... I'm waiting for you to burst out in surprise here, please don't disappoint me." It was at this particular moment that my brain finally caught up with the rest of me and began trying to process everything that I saw File loading... logic.exe not found... system failure.... restart in progress. *THUD* "Ah great he fainted...." Some time later, I awoke from my sudden and abrupt nap... no I did not faint, that is a filthy lie. Getting up, I started to take a look around cautiously. "You up?" said Oli from behind me. I totally did not scream like a little girl. It was a manly war shout... that was high pitched.... akin to a small female. "JEEZUS WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MY EARS OH GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!" ...ahem.....so okay I screamed like a little girl.... getting back to the story... "What is this place? Who are you? AND WHERE ARE MY PANTS!!" Oh yeah, I suppose I forgot to include that I was in the middle of the clearing, with all of the beautiful flowers, the chirping birds, the wind blowing in the trees... completely naked as the day I was born. "Dude, what the hell did you do?" "Well, excuse me, but I thought that the life you had was EXTREMELY BORING!!! GAH!!! I mean, one can only take so much repression of fun and life before snapping. So, to liven up your life, I decided to take you someplace...fun!" "......what.....the actual..... FUCK! Do you know what you have done!!! I had a part coming up for Macbeth!!! And now you take me out here to..... actually, where are we?....Am I about to be raped?" "What?! NO!!NOONONONONONONONONONONO!! Geez, I'm not evil! I just took you to place where friendship is actually magic.." He said with a smirk As I began to put the pieces together, I slowly began to back up. "no.. "yes" "nonono" "yep." "nononononononono fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-" it was at that point that he literally pulled my mouth shut with a zipper. "I'm afraid I can't have you do that. This is supposed to be pg rated. But yeah, if you haven't guessed it, Welcome to EQUESTRIA!!!" he said, as he gestured all around him. The woods, at that moment, chose to be completely still, with only the chirping of a lonely cricket breaking the silence. "Wow, tough crowd." I gestured towards my mouth, and with a snap of his fingers, the zipper dissipated. "So... I'm in equestria..... If I may ask, WHY?! And what the hell is your real name?!" I shouted at him. "Yeah, so here's the thing. There's currently a game going amongst the gods commonly known as the Chess Game of the Gods. It's kinda a never ending game where each god selects a champion to "fight" in their honor. And as long as the champion accomplishes that god's goal, they are winning. And my name is Olidammara, god of Chaos, Luck, and Trickery, at your service." he said with a bow. "And I have chosen you, to be my champion, as you've chosen to worship me before. Ya see, all of these gods take this game so seriously, with no regard for anything but themselves. What I thought was that there needs to be some form of liveliness to lighten up this boredom. So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to spread joy and mirth to those who need it." I stood there, with my mouth wide open in shock "So.... all those times I played D&D as the sneaky rogue... You were... Real?" "Eeeyup." "So, where am I supposed to go.... And why do I feel heavier than usual?" "About that..... You might want to take a look at yourself." He summoned a mirror and, barely containing his giggles, gave it to me. What I saw fascinated me, and yet terrified me. My skin was black, with red patterns here and there. I had gold glowing tattoos covering my body, two curled horns atop my head, fangs, claws, long black hair, glowing red eyes and an imprint of two masks on my right shoulder, like the theatre masks, one happy, one sad. ".... What... What am I?" "Yeah, I had a feeling that you'd say that. Ya see, I kinda owed Zagyg a favor after messing with him and causing a vial of nether portal to crash into his castle... It kinda led to a zombie infestation, which was rather messy to clean up. SO I let him experiment on You!" he said cheerfully. " Now you look sooooo much cooler!! You're called a dremora if I remember correctly." ".....Really? Your response to turning me into one of the most intimidating mother fuckers in the history of video games is to take me to a planet full of sentient HERBIVOROUS?!?!?!?!?!?!? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT I WILL PROBABLY BE MOBBED?!?!?!" "Relax bozo, I gave you some of my powers." "...beg pardon?" "Well I AM the god of tricks, so I decided to help you by leveling the playing field. I have given you the power to manipulate your body to change into whatever you want it to be. However, you can't turn into something any bigger than you currently are. So no turning into a giant ass dragon and leveling an entire town. I expect you to find a solution that WON'T involve tackling something head on like an idiot. Also, I've given you the ability to cast minor illusions, you know, just to mess with people. It can't make an entire town fall to the ground in fear, but it should do the trick.... has this made up for the body swap?" I stared at him complete shock, feeling the power he was talking about coursing through my veins. "I'll take that as a yes. Now I need you to go to the west. There you'll find a little city called Neigh York. Oh, and don't screw up, I'll be having something interesting come by your way. I'll be watching." And with that he vanished, leaving me a bit flummoxed as to my predicament. "Well, might as well test out these powers, see how they work." And with that I began on my trek to the city of Neigh York, shape shifting into different creatures every couple of minutes, before staying as a black and red unicorn, for authenticity. I swear if someone saw me on the road, they would have sworn they were on an acid trip... a really, really, bad acid trip. Finally, just as the sun was setting (shut up I know I could have flown, but I didn't want to test out my wings just yet), I came upon a small hotel on the outskirts of Neigh York that said "The Lofty Bale." "Well, might as well see if I can spend the night." As I walked in, an earth pony with a ridiculously orange mane came up to me and said, in a rather monotonous voice "welcome to the lofty bale, will you be staying the night?" Now, normally, I would admit to not having any money, but I wanted to see what my new found powers could give me. "Yes indeed I would. How much for the Penthouse?" "I'm sorry sir, but room is taken. You'll have to settle for a two bedroom suite." "Hilarious, but no. I said -" it had been a while since I had some fun. Deciding to use a simple mind suggestion illusion, I pointed my horn towards his forehead proceeded to reenact something I've always wanted to do; "You want to give me the pent house." "I..want to give you.. the penthouse.." he said dazedly, his eyes swimming out of focus. "And you want to kick out the pony in the room because he's an ass hole." "And I want to kick him out because he's an asshole." Oh this was fun. I could make him say whatever I wanted!!!.... An evil grin spread across my face. "These are not the droids you are looking for." "These are not the droids we are looking for." As I giggled like a mad man, the blank eyed pony led me to the elevator, to my glorious Penthouse suite. But as he did so, another employee opened up a door that led to the bathroom, and somehow, against all odds bumping into me, which caused me to not only loose both my illusion and transformation, but also to fall backwards, crashing into what looked like a VERY expensive piano, wrecking the thing entirely. As both ponies stared at me, first with shock, and then with rage, I chuckled nervously. "... I swear I didn't touch that...." "GET HIM!!" "Ah crap." "Stop You!!! COME BACK HERE!!! HALT IN THE NAME OF THE PRINCESS!!!!" "Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one thanks. I've got places to be, things to see...people to do...Byeeee!" And with that, the creature disappeared down a dark alleyway, but when the guards rushed down the alley the creature had vanished, it was as if it had vanished. All that was in there were a few cans of garbage, and a stray cat. "Huh, nothing here after all." As the guards left, there was a small popping sound, and where once a stray cat was sat a dark figure, clad in black, with horns, a tail, and glowing markings. "Damn... How in the hell did I get into this one."