The Human Side of Things

by Gylden Glor

Poison Joke

I yawn as I awaken. That was relaxing...

I slept in today. Just woke up, and it' in the afternoon. Sweet.
After Rainbow did that Rainboom, I've been up at night trying to piece it together. Twilight finally helped me understand it by chalking it up to magic, and reminding me that this isn't my original universe - things work differently here. That, and -

An ear-splitting shriek causes me to cringe in pain. I sigh as I rub my ear. I'd know that scream anywhere...
I roll my eyes as I start to wash up.

"What the hell happened, Twi'?" I ask as I open the library door. "I heard Rarity scream, but she wasn't at the Boutique - what -" My hand slips from the doorknob, and my jaw goes slack as I stare at the spectacle before me. "What the fuck..."
Twilight's horn is speckled and floppy. Applejack is the size of an ant. Rainbow's wings are...upside down? Rarity has dreadlocks. Pinkie's tongue is engorged, and Fluttershy, is, well...I think she's fine, actually.
"What happened to you guys?" I shake my head as I pull the door closed - a cold draft was coming in. "Did Twilight screw up a spell?" I look down in surprise as I hear an answer - I didn't notice Apple Bloom before.

"They think that th' Zebra Zecora cursed 'em," she responds, confused and condescending. "'S stupid an' superstitious - there's no way that zebra did this!"

"What zebra?"

"Zecora!" Rainbow shouts, wobbling in midair as she struggles to get used to her new orientation. She ends up colliding with the wall. "You know - the scary witch in the Everfree Forest!? She cursed us! Weren't you there yesterday - didn't you see her in the center of Ponyville!?"

"I was working on something - I wasn't paying attention to the outside world," I protest. "But...that's impossible, I mean - curses? Really?"

"Yestthh, curthhssessstthhh!" Pinkie spits at me. "How elstthhe do you tttthhhhiinkksssh thishhh happemd!?"

"But -"

"There's no question about it!" Rarity shouts. "How else would my mane achieve such atrocious imperfection? It must be a curse."

"Uh...bad day?" I ask, confused. "But...I just..." I sigh as I slump against the wall. "Fuck it - I give up. I'm just so done with this..." I sigh as I pull the door open. "I get that you have magic, but...just...I want no part of this bullshit right now. Screw your problems - I'm going home." With that, I exit, leaving the eight of them - Spike was there, too - confused and agitated. I walk home, and immediately flop into bed.

What the fuck...I just...I wasn't ready for something weird like this to happen! They take it like it's a daily thing, but I just can't handle it - it's too much...

I sigh as I bury my face in my pillow and decide to take a quick nap. Maybe by the time I wake up, this will have sorted itself out...


{Begin "In the Hall of the Mountain King"}

I wake up in confusion. Something doesn't feel right...


Where'd all these weird flowers come from...?

I sit up, and I feel like a wreck - like I just got over a hangover or something. Well...given the contents of my bedroom, I wouldn't doubt it...looks like I had a crazy sex party with a bunch of plants.

I groan as I stretch and throw my legs over the side of my bed. Maybe all that weird stuff I saw in the library was just a dream - a drunkard's dream. I get down onto the floor, and something just feels...wrong. I'm not sure what it is, but I think I'm about to find out - I have a full-body mirror in my room, I can see myself in there... then, I - WHAT THE FUCK!?

I stare at my reflection in complete shock. My fingers!


It's then that I scream, pressing my palms to my head and wanting to grab my hair - but being excruciatingly unable to do so.

It's then that I hear laughter. It's coming from my window. I scowl as I rush to it and attempt to open it. But without fingers, it's tough as fuck.

I end up using my mouth, and by the time it's open, Rainbow Dash is laughing hysterically.

"What the fuck did you do to me!?" I demand, more panicked than anything else. "What the hell did you do - did you cut off my fingers, you crazy bitch!?"

"Nah, I just put some poison joke in your bedroom!" She shrieks, trying to catch her breath. "It pranked you! Now you've got to wait for it to wear off!" She cracks up, and nearly falls to the earth in her tumult.

"How do I fix it?" I demand, gripping the windowsill, but not gripping it. It's less unsettling and more ungodly terrifying. "Please, Rainbow - how do I fix it!?" She must have heard the panic in my voice, as she stops laughing and looks me right in the eye.

"Hey, you're the one who bailed out on us when we were fucked up by the poison joke!" She spits at me.

"Because I couldn't handle it!" I shout in response. "You assholes do shit like this every day - I'm still trying to get used to it!" I slam my palm down on the windowsill, slightly hurting myself in the process. "Help me, Rainbow - help me!"

She frowns at me. "Peter, we were freaked out, too. But we didn't abandon each other."

"I didn't abandon you!" I respond, desperately. "I just...I just..." I falter as I try to think of another word. In actuality, "abandon" is probably the most accurate.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Look, I'm sorry - but this is fucking horrifying!" I wave my palms in the air. "I can't just not have fingers! Please, Dash - help me, please."

She rolls her eyes with a groan of irritation. "Fine," she growls. "But next time something happens to you, you're on your own - just like we were."

"Thank you," I sigh. She nods and descends to the ground. I'm about to leave the house and meet her when I hear her shout:

"Pinkie, now!"

At that, I see a giant lever swing down from the roof of my house. I watch, slack-jawed and paralyzed, as it stops at the window and releases at least a gallon of water straight for me.
I shut my eyes tight, and pray that I can keep at least a shred of my dignity.

The hot water hits me, and everything around me. The sheer force of it slams me to the ground, and I extend my arms to catch myself. I almost cry as I feel my fingers brushing through the carpet.

Rainbow Dash comes back to the window with a grin of smug victory on her face. "How's that for help, huh!?"

"Fuck you," I respond as I revel in the sensation in my phalanges. "Oh, fuck you..."

I smile as I realize that she's one of the only things keeping me from just nope-ing out. I wouldn't give the time I spend with her for the world...
Even if it does make me want to gauge her eyes out.