Chapter 11--Thinking Sexy Thoughts
I woke up this morning and had a mini-freakout because I wasn’t in the same place I normally wake up in. I don’t mean the difference of waking up in Equestria rather than my own bed. I had gotten over that after about a week. No, I mean waking up somewhere other than my room at the library. It seemed that I had come to Fluttershy’s cottage last night and never left. I replayed the events of yesterday to try and remember what happened.
The day started with Twilight freaking out about some shit that nobody else gave a fuck about. I tried telling her that nobody gave a fuck but I think she might be in heat--which is actually more like a human woman’s period than a mare’s heat, except for the super-horniness. I don’t know for sure because I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been in this crazy world and I don’t know much about heat cycles anyways. For all I know, she could just be being a woman. Either way, she wasn’t listening to reason. She just threw a lamp at me and I decided it was time to leave, making sure to take Qene with me so he didn’t have to deal with that hell. Thinking back, I probably should have grabbed Spike, too, but someone needs to be there to make sure Twilight doesn’t explode. And if she does explode, then to make sure she doesn’t explode again. I’m a terrible person, I know, but I don’t care.
So Qene and I roamed the town for a bit. I decided to go to Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack’s farm, because I was in the mood for something appley and they always gave me free stuff. Something about being a friend or some shit like that. Yes, I’m taking advantage of my friends. Yes, I’m a terrible person. No, I don’t care. So, I went to the farm and when I didn’t see AJ in the fields, I went to the farmhouse. It was Applejack’s younger sister Applebloom that answered the door.
“Hiya, Síor, what brings you ‘round here?” the yellow filly asked.
“I’m in the mood for something appley,” I replied.
“Well, you came to the right place. I got somethin’ appley right here.” She then turned around and displayed her purity to me.
I shook my head to rid it of my own perverted thoughts. “Come again.”
“I said, I got a big stash o’ fritters freshly made.”
“Sounds great.” I need to get my head out of the gutters. While she went to get the fritters, I took the time to look around a bit. It was a nice little house. Very homey. I noticed a collection of pictures on the mantle and went over to look at them. I saw an old family portrait and I recognized younger versions of the Apples I met on my first day here. Those that I didn’t recognize I found names for in other pictures. There were two, however, that I couldn’t find a name for. I looked around for another picture of them and found them in only one other. It looked like a family portrait of just AJ’s immediate family. I saw Granny Smith, Big Mac, AJ, and Apple bloom and the two mystery ponies. I looked on the back for names but saw that the two had been crossed out. All I could make out from each was ‘Apple.’ I wondered why AJ would try covering up her parents’ identities.
Applebloom returned with a shitload of fritters and we sat at the table while I ate. “What’s in these?” I asked. “There not like any apple fritters I’ve ever had.”
“They’re made from the finest zap apples,” she answered.
“What’s a zap apple?”
“Only the most delicious fruit in the world.” No match for my Strocoa beans, though. We continued in silence until she started interrogating me. “So, Síor. You’re pretty good at lots of stuff, right?”
“I guess, why?”
“Well, you know about cutie marks, right?”
“A bit. I know it’s a tattoo-like mark on a pony’s flank that illustrates xir ‘special talent’ and what xe’s meant to do with xir life.”
“Right. Before I ask my next question, what’s xir and xe?”
“Personal neutral pronouns. In English--or Equestrian, I guess--there are gender specific pronouns--he, she, his, her, him, her, himself, herself, his, and hers--but the only neutral pronouns--it, its, itself, and its, respective to the subject, possessive adjective, object, intensive, and possessive order. However, ‘it’ is generally used to represent inanimate objects and, on occasion, non-sentient animals. Thus, I have adopted the pronouns, in respective of the order: xe, xir, xem, xemself, and xirs to represent the personal neutral. Essentially, xe is the same as he or she, xir is the same as his or her, xem is the same as him or her, xemself is the same as himself or herself, and xirs is the same as his or hers. I have created these pronouns based on the cryptic symbol of an X which represents equality and a combination of each of the gender-specific pronouns.”
“Huh. Well, anyways, me an’ Twist are the last ones in my class that don’t have our cutie marks yet and I don’t wanna be the very last one so I was wonderin’ if you would help me get mine.”
“I would but I know nothing about you and honestly, I don’t really give a fuck about you. I’m just using you as a free food source.” Yeah, I’m blunt, deal with it.
“Howdy Síor. When’d you get here?” Applejack asked as she came down the stairs.
“About 20 minutes ago. Applebloom's been giving me her delicious appleiness,” I answered before remembering the interesting mental image I had when I arrived.
“Applebloom! Those fritters were fer sellin’!” she scolded the young filly.
“AJ, chill. I wish I could say I’ll pay you back but my money is worthless in this place so instead, I’ll let you have my share of the alcohol profits, if I determine it safe for public consumption.”
“That ain’t necessary. Consider it a gift, I s’pose. I just wish Applebloom woulda asked before given away our product.”
“Sorry, Applejack,” the filly apologized.
“Hey AJ,” I said. “How come none of the pictures on the mantle give the names of your parents?”
“Yeah,” Applebloom added. “Whenever I ask about that you always change the topic.”
Applejack gave a deep sigh. “I s’pose it’s time you knew. It happened not long after you were born, Applebloom. Ma and Pa farmed these fields much like we do now. One day, a strange doctor came to the house askin’ for them. Said somethin’ about shady nachos an’ before we knew it, they were gone.”
“Shady nachos, eh? You don’t think it was the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I, was it?” I asked.
“Now thatcha mention it I reckon that is what he said.”
“And this doctor guy, you didn’t happen to catch a name, did you?”
“This was years ago, Síor, all I remember is that he called himself the Doctor.”
“That’s all I need. Do you have any apple juice I can have?”
“Oh I got plenty of apple juice for ya, just lay down on the table and I’ll get it ready for ya.”
“What?”
“I said of course I got apple juice, we make apple products of all kind here at Sweet Apple Acres. It’s in the cellar, I’ll go get it.”
“That’s what I thought you said.” What is wrong with my fucked-up brain today. Heh, no pun intended. No! Stop it!
She got a few cases of bottled apple juice for me. “So, where you off to next?” she asked.
“Well, Twilight’s in one of her moods so I’ve been wandering the town all day. I need to talk to an old friend real quick and then I think I’ll head over to Fluttershy’s.”
“You seem to be spendin’ a lotta time with her, why is that?”
Because she’s the least crazy of all of you. “Let’s put it this way, if I were to ever get in a relationship with a pony--which I’m not looking to do any time soon so don’t ask” Although, if my mind keeps going the way it’s been going, it might happen sooner than I think. “--she would be my first choice.”
“You like her don’tcha?”
“I like anyone who hasn’t given me a reason not to like xem.”
“What’s xem?”
“Ask Applebloom, I’m leaving.”
I left to go find the Doctor. While a part of me was excited about getting to see a sci-fi legend again, another part of me was anxious to know just what kind of secrets he was hiding.
I found him in his TARDIS where he had been during our first meeting. “Hello Doctor.”
“Síor, unless you know how to fix that big uppy-downy thing, I am in no mood to talk right now.”
“Too bad, this is important.”
“Fine, just don’t touch anything.”
“Deal. Now tell me, what do you know of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I?”
He hit his head on the thing he was under when he jumped in surprise. “How do you know that name?”
“You aren’t the only one with ties to the past. If you will remember, I have connections with the very same Princess Celestia whose sisters you helped out all those years ago. And Celestia just so happened to have her cousin Clover the Clever’s personal journal of the journey. And in that journal, he recorded everything that happened, particularly whilst he and his travelling companions were exploring the Lusitano Caves. The very same caves that were the headquarters of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I. After meeting you, and after another important event, I reread that part and it mentions a certain Doctor being a member. So, I will ask you again. What do you know of the Cult of Random Shady Nachos I?”
He was visibly shaking in fear when I had finished. “I can’t tell you. My mistress would not approve of it.”
“Your mistress has been dead for nearly a thousand years.”
“But I heard her the last time we spoke.”
“If that is so, then I have a theory for that. But first, I need you to give me info!”
“I am sorry. Anyone--or anypony--who is accepted into the Cult is sworn to secrecy. My old mistress may be dead, but the Cult lives on.”
“Very well, how does one get into this Cult?”
“You must first talk to the current leader. Unfortunately, the current leader is unknown. All that is known is that he lives in what was once known as Antarctica.”
“Well, I have no way of going south--or even outside the nation--right now but I will travel to the pole when I get the chance. If I recall, you also recruit.”
“Recruitment is very rare, we only do so when our Master needs a specific pony either for his own purposes or just to be out of the way.”
“If he needs someone out of the way, why not just kill xem?”
“First of all, I don’t want to here you using personal neutral pronouns, they annoy me very much. But to answer your question, we do not kill and neither does our Master. At least not directly. We sometimes cause things to happen that result in deaths but it is for the good of the Cult.”
“Do you even know what your master is planning?”
“That information is known only by the Master himself.”
“So you’re in a Cult that sometimes does things that kill people and you don’t know the full motives of the leader?”
“Yes, but I was assured it was for the better of the world.”
“How thick are you?! Can’t you, of all people, see the malevolence behind all this?”
“I am aware of the risks, that is why I have joined the Cult.”
“So, you're in the Cult to try and figure out what the purpose of it is?”
“I never said that.” But he nodded as he said that.
“Are you being watched, or something?”
Another nod as he said, “Of course not.”
“Whatever, I got what I needed. If you need me, I’ll be at Fluttershy’s.”
I left to go to Fluttershy’s cottage. The door was answered by her bunny Angel somehow. He seems to have some amount of sentience because I think he has heard every word I’ve said about him. Which means he kind of has a grudge against me. That and he doesn’t like me spending so much time with Fluttershy. Despite what it may have sounded like when I was talking to Applejack, I actually had planned on coming to Fluttershy’s today. We had become good friends in the time that we’ve known each other and we arranged to get together once a week for tea. Anyways, when I asked for Fluttershy, he didn’t get her but instead just stood there trying to block me with his full nine inches of height. It’s a good thing I’m not a vampire because I just stepped over him and went in uninvited.
“Fluttershy, you here?” I called out.
“One moment Síor,” I heard her reply.
While I was waiting, I took the time o look around a bit. She had a very simple home with plenty of nooks for her animals. I wasn’t nearly as adept at caring for animals as she was but most of them seemed to like me. I noticed a calendar hanging on the wall and saw that it had a one week event each month labeled “Season.” I had seen this same kind of calendar in each of the other girls’ houses--except Rainbow Dash because she lives in a fucking cloud; talk about wanting your privacy. It was a heat calendar. I assumed they always left them in plain sight as a warning or some shit like that. Consequently, I noticed that today just so happened to be right in the middle of Fluttershy’s season. But that’s fine, Fluttershy would never try anything on me. Right? Please tell me I’m right.
She came out of the kitchen with a teapot and some snacks but there was something on my mind besides tea. “So, I noticed your calendar,” I said with a nod towards it.
“Oh yes, but don’t worry, I would never try anything on you, even when I’m in heat. And even if I would, this herbal tea is supposed to help me control my...urges.” She blushed slightly on the last word. I was actually surprised she wasn’t blushing up a storm at the sheer mention of her heat. I guess she’s gotten better at being more open about things.
We carried on in idle chat until Fluttershy excused herself to feed her animals lunch. I waited enjoying my tea and absentmindedly thinking to myself. After only a few minutes, she came rushing back spluttering something about smoke before running back out and into town. “Come on Qene, we better see what this is about.” The manticore got up from the rug and we exited out the bear door to follow Fluttershy into town.