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// I: Welcome Our New Student 
// Story: CAPS LOCK 
// by Final Draft 
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	“Students, please settle down,” Cherilee said, stepping in front of the chalkboard. The din of the classroom died down and all the ponies took their seats. Diamond Tiara, who had previously been engaged in teasing Scootaloo, felt the need to blow one last raspberry at the filly.

“Blank flank,” Silver Spoon whispered to Scootaloo. She and Diamond Tiara proceeded to laugh quietly to themselves while the pegasus filly fumed.

“Class, I’d like you to help me welcome a new student!” Cherilee said happily. A white earth pony colt with a black mane and a ridiculous grin walked into the classroom. “This,” the teacher said, putting her hoof on the colt’s shoulder, “is Caps Lock. Caps, do you have anything you’d like to share with the class?”

The colt looked around, sizing up his audience before blurting, “MARES BELONG IN THE KITCHEN, NOT IN A CLASSROOM!”

Cherilee looked at her new student in horror as the colts of the classroom burst out laughing. The fillies however, looked around in confusion at their male class mates. 

“Caps Lock! That is highly uncalled for!” Cherilee shouted.

“GO MAKE ME A SANDWHICH!” Caps Lock shouted in reply. Had it been thirty years prior, Cherilee likely would have struck the colt upside the head with a yardstick. Unfortunately, new school regulations prevented her from doing so. All she could do was watch as the colt smiled up at her before walking through the laughing classroom.

Caps Lock sponged up the attention and took a seat in the back of the classroom with the colts. He quickly took a box of crayons and a piece of paper out of his school bag and began scribbling. The smile on his face got ever broader as he worked.

“Well,” Cherilee said, recovering from her shock. “Everypony be sure to give Caps Lock a nice…warm…welcome.” Her tone was flat and she hung her head low as she spoke. She already knew this colt was going to be trouble, and she wished she had a different lesson plan for the day. “Today, we’ll be learning about a rather sensitive topic, but it’s something you’re all going to need to know.”

She picked a piece of chalk up with her teeth and began writing on the chalkboard. Once she was finished, all the ponies of the class room moaned. All except Caps Lock, that is. Written in big letters on the chalk board was, “The Birds and the Bees.”

“AWESOME, SOMETHING I CAN CLOP TO!” Caps Lock shouted. His fellow classmates looked at him in confusion, not recognizing the word he’d just used. Cherilee put her hoof against her forehead and quickly ran an eraser across the board.

“On second thought, that can wait till next week,” she said, taking up the chalk once more. “Math! Today, we’ll learn more about math!” She quickly scribbled some equations on the board for the class to solve.

Caps Lock crossed his forearms across his chest and shouted, “I CAN’T CLOP TO THIS!”

“Would anypony like to come down and solve equation number one?” Cherilee asked the class, ignoring Caps Lock’s outburst.

Caps Lock’s hoof shot into the air and he shouted, “FIRST!” No other pony in the classroom had even tried to raise their hoof, but Cherilee waited in hopes one would.

“Sweetie Belle? Would you like to try to—?”

“NO! INB4 SWEETIE BELLE!” Caps Lock interrupted, holding his hoof higher.

Cherilee sighed, “Caps Lock, please solve number one.”

The colt galloped down the aisle and took up the piece of chalk. He scribbled furiously on the chalkboard, carrying numbers that didn’t exist and adding more to the equation. When he’d finally finished, he stepped back to allow the class to see his work.

“Caps,” Cherilee said, looking over the mess of numbers on the board. “Would you mind telling me how you reached your answer of 8,008,135?”

The colt smiled and nodded his head with the chalk still in his mouth. He re-approached the board and drew a big line under his answer. “BOOBIES!” he shouted. The students looked at his answer and started laughing when they realized his numbers were actually letters.

“CAPS LOCK!” Cherilee shouted, turning to the colt. “If you keep up this behavior, I’ll have to call your parents!”

The smile disappeared from Caps Lock’s face and his lower lip began quivering. He started whimpering, then all out bawling in the middle of the classroom floor. Cherilee didn’t know what to do so she approached the colt cautiously.

“Caps, what’s wrong?” she asked, putting her hoof on his shoulder.

“MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!” he replied in between sobs.

“I’m so sorry!” Cherilee tried apologizing, but the colt’s sobs intensified. She looked around at the class nervously, as if they could offer some comfort. All at once though, Caps Lock’s crying stopped, and he turned to Cherilee with an ear-to-ear grin on his face.

“JK! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!”

Cherilee’s face turned beet red as the colt stood up and trotted calmly back to his seat. He held his hoof out for hoof-bumps, but received only puzzled looks in response. Once back in his seat, he made sure he had Cherilee’s attention before holding up the paper he’d been working on earlier. In big red letters on the paper was, “PROBLEM?”

The teacher, beside herself with rage, opened up the classroom door and held her hoof out into the hallway. “Class, go to recess,” she said.

“But itth’s only—”

“I SAID GO TO RECESS!”

Twist recoiled at her teacher’s harshness, but obeyed. One by one, the ponies filed out of the classroom, whispering amongst themselves. Caps Lock was sure to give Cherilee a great big smile as he exited. She slammed the door behind him and went to her desk.

“Why does it have to be Monday?” she asked, emptying her drawer of its contents. When it was empty, she lifted the false bottom of the drawer and removed a flask.

It was going to be an interesting Monday.