“So...He’s really gone?”
“Well, I-I left him right here, and pointed the way to Fluttershy’s cottage and everything!” Rainbow Dash wrung her hooves mid-air, staring into the bleakness that was the Everfree.
“Well, I must say that it’s hardly a great loss,” Rarity sniffed. “It was disgusting! And nearly wrecked my boutique!”
“Uhh, Rares, y’all did tha wreckin’, not that liddle critter. ‘e was perfectly behaved the whole time he was on the farm!”
“You mean before or after you catapulted him into Rainbow’s house?” Twilight snarked, ruffling her wings. Her coordination was a little off as she crashed off her tea-bender.
Applejack remained quiet. Rainbow Dash, though, took up the cause. “I say you guys just didn’t give him a chance! I mean, he changed my life. My father accepted me back into the family!”
“...Did he drop the charges of breaking and entering?” Fluttershy asked innocently. Rainbow Dash was silenced.
“I don’t think he did anything wrong,” Pinkie supplied. She was feeling much more sympathetic to the poor creature now that he wasn’t limpeted to her body in an awkward way. “I’m pretty sure it was just a strange sequence of events and external forces that conspired to show the sloth in a negative light!”
“Tell us again how many rooms in Sugarcube Corner were flooded?” Rarity shot back. “And please explain again why Mister Cake can’t seem to stay in the same room as you for more than thirty seconds?”
“Girls, lets stop this fighting,” Twilight sighed, turning away from the first and making back for home and her first AA meeting. “Let’s just be happy that this is all over.”
* * * *
“Discord! You are to land immediately!”
“Tut tut, Luna dear,” chucked the God of Chaos as he gently alighted on the balcony attached to the apartment of the Princess of the Night. He noticed her face fall with disappointment when he complied so easily. “A beautiful evening isn’t it, so...peaceful?”
“Indeed, Discord, tis my pride and joy,” Luna deadpanned. “Now explain. Why you were flying around so late at night?”
“Ah, funny you should ask…” Discord shuffled backwards a little, hiding a small ball of fur in his grasp.
Luna stepped forward menacingly. “Discord, what is it?”
“It’s...why it’s…” Discord stumbled a bit out into empty space, floating over the vast gardens. His ears perked up suddenly, and he turned to face Luna with a grin. “Oh, but Princess I just wanted to liven up the night with a harmless little prank! Something I’m sure you of all ponies could understand.”
Luna narrowed her eyes and spread her wings. “I’ve seen your ‘pranks’ Discord and the amount of harm they can bring! Now show me! I highly doubt you’ve brought a rigged plushie to grace my bed.”
“Oh,” Discord tutted, shaking his head, “you ponies, so distrustful. Very well, here he is.” Discord slowly unwrapped his lion’s paw from around the furry creature, revealing two small liquid eyes that stared confusedly at the Lunar Princess glaring back at him.
Luna raised an eyebrow at Disord. “You brought a sloth? These things even still exist?”
“Oh, but Luna!” Discord corkscrewed through the air to Luna’s side, holding the sloth up like a diamond necklace for her inspection. Luna stared hide-eyed at the sloth suddenly less that two feet from her nose while Discord stared at it in wonder. “This isn’t just any sloth.
“This is the sloth that could change the world.”
* * * *
“Okay, Discord, I agreed that we could prank Celestia with this sloth you found, but do we really have to prank her during Night Court? She‘s going to be so cranky already from having to deal with Blueblood so late!” Luna sat in the wings of the great throneroom.
Discord stood beside her, watching the dignitaries and supplicants filing into the hall while the sloth slowly climbed up his back to nestle on his head. “Don’t worry, I’m sure Celestia will be more than good-natured about it. After all, who doesn’t like musty, moth-infested sloths on their heads?”
Luna did a double-take at the sloth parked on Discord’s noggin, curled up into a nearly unrecognizable bump of fuzz. She looked closer, finally seeing the moths and other small critters that had made the sloth their home. She even spotted growing clumps of algi.
“Ugh, at least we can make him clean…” she pouted. With a flash of her magic, she achieved what Rarity had attempted mere hours before. Only where Rarity got massive property damage, Luna got a perfectly groomed and shiny sloth.
Discord scrunched up his nose in distaste. “Ugh, it smells like vanilla…”
“Celestia likes vanilla.” Luna turned back to the throne room, the proceedings about to get under way. “Might as well not make this downright unpleasant. We’re looking for fun here; not a mild case of biological terrorism.”
Discord chuckled at that. “Of course. Just a little something to make things...interesting about the castle. I must say Luna, I was surprised you remembered exactly what this little guy is. Sloths aren’t common in Equestria, you know.”
“I had little to do but look at oddities in this world’s hidden places for a thousand years, Discord,” She replied dryly, “and I had a rather...unique vantage point. Now, hide the sloth. We need to get him into Celestia’s chambers during her meeting with Blueblood. I can distract her for a moment and have her look away from the private entrance, but you had better hurry. I have no intention of sitting through an entire meeting with those two going over the correct shade of pompous in Blueblood’s new apartments.”
“Of course not. So, what do you think?” Discord asked innocently.
Luna turned and looked. It took all the power of the Moon and Stars to keep her from falling right down and laughing her cutie mark off.
Discord was wearing a hat. A strangely shaped hat that seemed woven from finely brushed mohair, with eyes on the front and two horny clips that looked oddly like sloth claws holding it on.
Sloth Hat.
Discord watched with a smirk as the Lunar Princess shook with silent mirth. He flounced across the great hall, drawing a few stares of shock from the gathered courtiers, but his attention was on the midnight blue alicorn barely holding her regal pose as she tried not to laugh at Discord’s ridiculous appearance. Discord also nodded and smiled at Celestia, who made her way up to her dais from the private apartments. The only sign that the Princess was indeed tired at this abnormal hour for her was that she failed to notice the sloth on Discord’s head.
Oh, but you will, Princess. Discord thought. You will…
* * * *
Luna watched Discord pass Celestia as the Princess of the Immortal Sun made her regal way up to her dais. Both Princesses took their seats as Celestia wearily greeted, “Hello, Luna. How has your *yawn* evening been so far?”
Luna cast an eye towards the door to the private apartments, seeing it silently slip closed. “Oh...slow. Here comes Blueblood, sister.”
“Hmm? Oh, right.” Celestia turned all smiles and greeted her visitor as the snow-white unicorn walked up, ponies scattering from before his hooves lest they fall under the shadow of his toweringly high nose. “Good evening, Prince Blueblood. I trust this night finds you well?”
“Indeed, it does, aunt Celly.” He huffed, “Now, may we begin the arrangements for the new colour scheme in my wing of the castle before it’s much terribly later that it already is?”
Celestia’s smile never faltered. An interesting note, though (one that had been the centre for discussion for months) was why Luna’s throne was minutely placed further back than Celestia’s. Some thought it was a powerplay by the Solar Diarch, or that it was a sign of Luna deferring to her older sibling. All it really was, though, was that Luna had scooted her thrown back so that she could see the one single tell her sister had; a feather on her wing that twitched if she was annoyed. It was currently going off like a jackhammer.
Luna felt a tendril of thought reach out to her mind, one she was familiar with; ‘Luna, I swear to Myself, if this idiot calls me ‘Celly’ or continues this charade that he is actually related to me, I swear I will send him to the diamond mines. They need new pack animals, I believe.’
‘Oh come now, sister,’ Luna said mockingly, He is but honouring you by attaching his [bold]illustrious name[/bold] to yours. And plus, can you be one hundred percent sure he isn’t in fact, related to you?’
Celestia failed to answer.
Blueblood, unaware of the exchange, nattered on about eight shades of peach and how each signified a different level of his own grandeur.
Celestia raised a hoof and cut him off. The entire hall went silent; when Celestia interrupts a pony, the world listens. “Blueblood, if you will excuse me for a moment, I must retrieve a portfolio I compiled just for your personal case. Until my return, defer to my sister. She has excellent colour choice.”
Luna blinked. Then blinked again. In an impotent furor she lashed out with her thoughts; ‘Tia, how could you do this to me?! Traitor!’
Celestia stood and walked regally towards her apartment, looking back just long enough to stick out her tongue, ‘Serves you right for calling me a floozy.’
‘Do you deny it, then?’ Luna shot back, huffing internally as the detested Blueblood’s gaze swiveled to her.
‘No, I just don’t like anypony saying it.’ Celestia smirked.
Luna stared in shock. Her sister was irrepressible. Luna also realized that Discord was probably still in there, planting the sloth.
This is going to end badly.
* * * *
Discord stared at the Immortal Power of the Flame as she groggily slammed into her room. Reserved Celestia was only for the public eye. Other residents of the palace knew this other Celestia quite well; the Scourge of All, the Diarch of Trickery and Pranking Princess caused about as much trouble as she solved, and for that...for that, everypony in the building thanked her.
Living in a big stuffy castle could be ever so boring. Celestia made sure life was fun. Sometimes too much fun, according to the contents of a few of these drawers. Hopefully, he’d placed his sloth-y revenge in the correct one.
Celestia’s crown thunked to the floor as she slouched low, an angry scowl across her face, “That gelding Blueblood, saying he’s my descendant...And Luna! Just because of those eight mares two decades ago.”
Discord raised an eyebrow at this, and his jaw dropped at the next:
“It was just one night of fun, after all.”
Discord nearly dropped from his patch of ceiling. That was...impressive. And biologically impossible, but she was a demigod, so who cared?
Celestia wandered over to her desk, grabbing a folder in her mouth with a roll of her eyes and walking back to her door. No magic, Discord noted. He also noted that his sloth had not been unleashed. Damn.
But then, Celestia stopped. She levitated her crown up to eye level, then sighed and dropped it. She turned around and tramped over to her chest of drawers, reaching for the very bottom drawer.
Discord nearly squee’d.
Celestia opened the drawer and shoved her head in, her rooting about throwing socks and strapless saddles all over the floor.
Then she stopped.
As a precaution, Discord cast a quick spell. It was a good move, because a second after he did, Celestia emerged, a sloth attached to her face. And so she followed the only logical course of action available to her;
She screamed like a nutter.
Discord winced and blocked his ears. Good thing he’d cast that mute spell.
* * * *
Even through the magic barrier, Luna heard that scream. So did almost any skilled unicorn within a hundred miles so imbued with power was that voice.
Luna noticed with no small satisfaction that Blueblood continued as if nothing had happened. So not Tia’s stock, then.
‘LUUUUUNAAAA!’
‘Yes, my sister?’ Luna answered innocently as Blueblood went into the various benefits of beige, ‘What is it to have gotten you so?’
‘THERE’S A SLOTH ON MY FACE!’
‘Oh? Now that’s a curiosity.’ Luna chuckled quietly to herself.
“So I do believe a peach colour in the hallway to the bathroom would acceptably accent my standing with - Luna, are you laughing at me?”
Luna chuckled still, “No, I’m laughing at something far more entertaining…” Only then did she remember where she was: in the open Night Court, talking to Blueblood, a member of royalty, in front of dozens if not hundreds of supplicants, all of whom gasped and tittered at her comment. Blueblood went an unearthly shade of red.
“Luna, I should think I’m owed more respect than this!”
“You aren’t owed anything, Blueblood, you already have royal apartments, and thats more than you deserve.” Luna growled, standing, “There is a situation I need to attend to. Yet another hairy mammal is assaulting Celestia, but at least this one is more pleasant than you. You forget, you are speaking to a millennia-old Princess!”
Every pony in the room gasped in shock, but Blueblood stared at her coldly. “To me, you’ve hardly been Princess two years, and you act even younger than a filly. You remember who has the real power! The people, Luna, support me!” Blueblood turned and trounced his way from the room, his nose so high that he didn’t see the ponies looking at him askance, and he was so filled with self-righteous pomp that he didn’t hear them laughing at him.
Luna wished she could be that blissfully ignorant.
Ponies began filing out of the great hall under the guards directions; it was clear to everypony that Night Court was adjourned, but very few minded; you had to pay good money to see a comedy like that anywhere else.
Luna quickly made for Celestia’s chambers, anticipation riding high at what she might see. She was not to be disappointed.
Celestia was sprawled on her back, the bottom drawer of her wardrobe pulled out and its questionable contents scattered all about. Celestia herself was prying at the sloth attached to her royal visage while muttering a string of curses that has slowly turned the sloth’s coat green again, while Discord, unable to even attempt to hide any longer, was literally tying himself up in knots in the one corner
“GET THIS OFF MY FACE!”
“Just take it off with magic?” Luna suggested
“IT’S ON MY HORN!”
“Well, now there’s something I bet hasn’t been said of a sloth before.” Luna chuckled, stepping forward to pry the sloth off.
For some reason, that sent Discord into sheer catatonics. In his laughter, he muttered something about like, “If only you could have seen it…Twilight and...and...HAHAHAHAAAAH!”
Luna smirked as she got the furry mammal off of her sister’s muzzle. “Are you alright, sister?”
“Other than being sloth’d again? Suuure.” Celestia stood, a good-natured smirk on her face as she chuckled at her sister. “Luna, you already pulled this gag when sloths evolved. I must say, this is an improvement over a megatherium, though. ”
“What can I say, I like the classics.” Luna shrugged, thinking back fondly to the time Celestia had gotten into a tiff with a two ton ground sloth. She placed the mildly distressed Sloth in the comfy embrace of her mane, where it snuggled down onto her withers and took a nap, “Plus, it was Discords idea; he found the sloth and everything.”
Celestia turned around and glared at the God of Chaos, still howling with laughter on the ground. She sighed and facehoofed. “Luna, could you get a maid to make me up some of that tea Twilight sent me last month?”
Luna grinned, pulling on a bellpull. “How much, sister, Two pots or three?”
All of it. Make it in a bathtub.”
Discord nearly choked on his spleen for laughing. Celestia raised an eyebrow at the draconequus, levitating him up and untying him as she asked, “What are you still laughing at, you haberdashery’s spare parts collection?”
“Oh Celly, that huuuurts…” Discord chuckled. “But really, do you know just how alike you and your student are?!”
“Luna,” Celestia said over her shoulder, “try and find a safe place for that sloth, will you? I think we need to talk to our friend here about the exact conditions under which he found our sloth.”
“Great! We can talk over tea!” Discord chirped, teleporting and reappearing in an english croquet morning dress beside a petite tea table with matching china.
Luna grinned roguishly as she looked back at the dozing sloth, peaceful as ever. She thought back to a certain prince who’d gotten under her skin that evening. “Oh, I have just the pony to take care of our friend here…”
* * * *
“Oh, the horror, the embarrassment!” Prince Blueblood cried, bemoaning his fate to the world. He collapsed against a window sill in his new Royal Apartment, looking out over the Castle Square where some gypsy in a pointy hat had set up her hawking cart/stage/stand thingy and was showing off to passers-by. Blueblood snarled and shut the curtains, “Can’t a prince bemoan his fate without fireworks interrupting anymore?!” He spun and buried his head in some triple-down pillows and wailed to himself,
Knock knock.
“Ugh, who is it?! Don’t you know I’m moping?!” Blueblood pulled his head out of his...pillows. Though most ponies would agree he could stand to pull his head out of his ass too. Instead, he just answered the door.
He was more than ticked off to see that nopony was there; only a large basket. Huffing annoyedly, Blueblood dragged the basket into his apartment in the royal wing and shut the door. He just missed the barely repressed laughter from just up the hall.
The unicorn prince grumbled about rude deliveries in the middle of the night as he inspected the basket. His outraged monologue was cut short, however, when he saw a card attached to the blanket covering the basket. He tore it off and read it;
Dear Prince Blueblood
Please accept my humblest apologies for my treatment of your royal person earlier this evening. Please consider the contents of this basket a sign of how deeply serious my apology is.
Your humble sovereign
Princess Luna
“Ahah!” Blueblood cried, striking a hoof to his chest in what he thought a noble pose, “I should not have expected any less! Even the Princesses understand my importance. I wonder what it could be?”
Without further ado, Blueblood reached down and ripped the blanket off.
Bad move.
Underneath was a sloth. But not just any sloth. A sloth that had quite patiently gone through a worse set of trials than any one sloth could be expected to go through in their entire sloth life, after losing all his sloth friends and probably sloth family, to find himself in a slothless world that seemed bent on not letting him take even a minute of the time he allocated each day to his sloth power naps (these amounted to a measly ninety percent of his life). He was now, understandably, an angry sloth. He was also wearing a giant red birthday bow around his sloth head.
Blueblood was so distracted by the bow that even a sloth could hit him in the face.
He recoiled from the strange creature, but sloths have very long arms. The powerful foreclaws gripped one of Bluebloods reared-up forelegs, and hung gamely on as the prince spun and threw the sloth across the apartment, where it landed on Blueblood’s own bed.
“HOW DARE YOU ASSAULT A PRINCE OF EQUESTRIA, YOU BEAST!” he screamed in a voice that would have done a certain dressmaker proud. He gasped for breath as he stared at the mass of rumpled sheets left in the centre of his vast silken bed, unblinking. As he stood transfixed, a note slowly drifted down through the air, and landed upon his snout. His eyes crossed as he read it;
It’s called a SLOTH, by the way.
“Oh, what to do, what to do?” Blueblood pranced on the spot. “Call the guard! Obviously Luna is trying to assassinate me!” The white unicorn dashed for the door, not seeing the pile of sheets begin to shift.
He threw his head left and right, looking up and down the hall in search of any other lower ponies to handle this situation. When none presented themselves, he turned back to the beast on his bed.
“Okay...whew, time to show the nincompoops around here that Blueblood the Brave can protect himself!” he told himself, crawling towards the bed. There were no signs of movement. Perhaps he had already slayed the beast?
Blueblood peeked into the sheets, but they were tangled and obscured the bed. With a gulp, he reached out with his telekinesis, grasped the spread, and with a final tremble, wrenched it aside, revealing…
Nothing.
“What…” Bluebloods eyes widened in fear.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Blueblood’s eyes trailed up his ornate headboard, up the pillars of the canopy, until, there, hanging by those long wicked claws, was the wailing demon.
Did you know sloths scream when sufficiently agitated? It’s supremely annoying.
The sloth dropped from the canopy onto the terrified pony’s back, still wailing, and Blueblood matched him to the last syllable, bucking and flying around the room at a pace and violence almost equal to Twilight Sparkle on a dance floor. When a pony pulls out the moves like that, even tree sap would have a problem holding on.
Yet again, our poor sloth went flying, this time straight out a window.
...towards the street performer and her conjuring act.
* * * *
“And now! The Great and Powerful Trixie will conjure a bouquet of flowers from her hat!” Trixie said, projecting her voice into the crowd.
“This old hat trick!?” Someone on the crowd shouted back.
“Ah! Looks like you haven’t seen Trixie before! I never do... ‘old hat tricks! BEHOLD!”
Trixie smiled and waved her hoof at her hat, before reaching in a pulling out some flowers.
She could almost hear the crowd intake their breath to boo her off the stage.
“Ah! AH! Trixie is not done yet!” she cried in desperation. She was losing them. Right on the steps to Canterlot Castle, she was losing them. Time for the big guns. Trixie reached into a hidden pound in her cloak and pulled out to round shiny balls, waving her hooves randomly at the ground, she exclaimed, “You have but glimpsed the power that is The great, the powerful, the Great and Powerful Trixie! BEHOLD!”
She threw the balls at the ground, where they exploded into huge gouts of smoke. Trixie released five bolts of magic and hit a lever. When the smoke cleared, Trixie stood center stage, her cloak now golden under a rain of flowers.
Oh, and she was next to a sloth.
The Shocked and Surprised Trixie recoiled from the strange creature. The sloth, though, did not react at all. He merely sat there, on the stage, holding a flower in each of his claws.
After a pause, he started nibbling on them.
I summoned an eldritch creature! Trixie gawked at the apparition. She stepped up to it, poking it on the shoulder. The sloth turned slowly, glaring accusingly up at the interrupter of his dinner. Trixie gazed at it, mesmerized, and started laughing in manic glee. She clapped her hooves, then hoisted the sloth high into the air, shouting over the crowd, ”What do you say to that hat trick, Canterlot?!”
Ponies gasped at the sight. Many couldn’t believe it; even if it was an illusory spell, it was impressive, but if she had indeed summoned a living creature, and not one they were at all familiar with...The crowd burst into vibrant applause.
”The Great and Powerful Trixie is anything but a one trick pony!” she shouted in relief. She placed the sloth on the ground beside her and bowed deeply to her audience, drinking in their admiration. When she pulled her head up again, she stared up at the Canterlot sky under the brim of…
Actually, her hat was now in the sloth’s mouth as he continued chewing happily. Trixie was so caught up in herself that she didn’t notice. Neither that, nor the white unicorn mare in purple shades sneaking onto the stage.
* * * *
Vinyl just stared at the... thing that Trixie had popped into existence. She sure as hell had no idea what it was, but she only needed to know one thing.
She wanted it.
She smiled as she stood up at the back of the audience, her tongue sticking out as she concentrated and as her horn started to spark with her magic. With a slight poofing sound, she disappeared.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie has summoned one of-”
Vinyl appeared slightly above the stage, landing with slight thud on the stage. Trixie froze mid-rant, and slowly turned, the sloth still beside her, casually continuing his meal.
“Wha? Trixie demands that this... upstart explains herself immediately!” the magician said, her voice projecting into the audience. Some of the audience leaned forward, thinking it was part of the act, and the show was about to get interesting.
Well, they were right about one thing at least.
Vinyl smiled behind her glasses, her mouth stretching into a big grin.
“Well, I’m here for the thing you summoned,” she said in a cocky voice.
Trixie frowned. “And just what makes you think that Trixie will just hand over this great creature?”
Vinyl tilted her head and smiled a creepy smile.
“This.”
She reached into her saddlebag with her magic, pulling out a what resembled a long tube with a few menacing prongs on the end. It beeped and booped as it appeared to power up as Vinyl pointed it at Trixie.
Trixie laughed. “All Trixie sees is a stick with flashy lights. Even Trixie can manage to make something like that.”
Vinyl smiled that smile.
It was the type of smile that made Trixie uneasy.
“This? Oh, this is nothing special. It’s just-” She paused for dramatic suspense. “-My BASS CANNON!” She shouted at Trixie, causing her to jump a little. Vinyl smirked as she opened the switch. “Lol, I kid, it’s just a cattle prod.”
Trixie quickly recovered her reserve and smirked at the interloper, “Trixie thinks that a certain white unicorn is drunk.”
Vinyl shook her head. “Drunk is a relative term. Now, are you going to give me the awesome thing, or...?” She left the sentence hanging, her glasses glinting in the light.
“Over a stick? Trixie thinks that she’ll do no such thing.”
Vinyl stopped smiling. “Okay, no one calls my weapons of mass destruction sticks and gets away with it twice. One last chance Trixie.”
The two stared each other down, the audience looking back and forth, unsure what was going on.
Trixie shook her head.
“No.”
Vinyl sighed, and tightened her grip on her weapon. “Fine,” she sighed, ‘I did warn ya.”
Suddenly, a loud and focused sound flew across the stage. Trixie was thrown backwards off the stage, hitting the ground with a thud and a squeal, The sloth, mercifully below the massive impact zone, was only rolled off to the side, but Vinyl grabbed it in her magic as she stared at her device a little more closely.
“Huh, well waddaya know, this is my Bass Cannon. Oh well.”
Bringing the sloth to her face, she smiled. “Let’s get you outta here, buddy.” She smiled and turned back to the crowd. “I’m sorry, but Miss Trixie the Not Incredibly Bright just clocked out early.”
The crowd started stomping their hooves in applause, thinking it was all part of the act.
* * * *
Vinyl smiled as she entered the club where she would be DJing for the night. The bouncers had tried to stop her from bringing Him in, but a quickly thought-through lie had solved that.
The sloth, perched on her back, seemed to smile as the sunglasses Vinyl had put on him glinted in the flashing strobe.
Seemed to, at least.
She pushed her way through the crowd, drawing dozens of eyes to her and her guest. She smiled as she got up to her deck on the stage in the center of the buzzing club and activated her microphone.
“WELCOME TO THE CLUB EVERYPONY! HERE’S TO A KICKASS TIME, AND MY NEW BUDDEH, DJ-THINGY THE AWESOME!”
The crowd stopped moving for a moment to look at the strange thing. Vinyl set the new ‘DJ’ on her turntable. The sloth turned slowly, (at a blistering 33 rpm!), showing his be-goggled face to the entire crowd, the glasses putting a wide grin on his face.
...actually, that was just the strobe lights.
“What is that thing!?” Someone cried out of the increasing bassline.
Vinyl stood up, balancing herself on two legs, her two forelegs and magic spinning through the controls of her equipment. She threw one hoof in the air as she answered with a lopsided grin, “This thing is what brings the party! This thing will rock your world!
“I’M SAYING, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?”
The crowd roared in response.
“Then let the bass drop!”
* * * *
The sun was rising and the birds were chirping. Octavia was greeting the morning by playing her cello, practicing for an upcoming show in Los Pegasus. The entire home was filled with a beautiful melody. With each note, she moved her bow with dignity, grace, and-
“Yo, Octy!”
*SCREECH*
“We’re home!” Vinyl shouted out loudly, too loudly for the early hour in the morning.
Octavia carefully set her bow and cello down, cross with Vinyl’s abrupt appearance. “Vinyl, you’ve been out all night again! And have you been-” she froze, realizing Vinyl said “we” and noticing the sloth hanging from her neck.
“Vinyl, what in the name of Celestia is that…thing you’re carrying?”
“Oh? You mean Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing?” Vinyl said stupidly, using her magic to grab the sloth off her slightly mussed-up person and bringing it just directly in front of Octavia and her cello. “He’s... Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing!”
The sloth hung there, staring blankly at the grey pony cowering before him. With a small squeak, he slowly reached a claw in her direction.
Octavia shrunk back, being protective of her cello, and possibly her life too. “Vinyl, I swear, if you put that thing anywhere near my cello, so help me!”
“Oh, relax, Octy! He’s not going to hurt your chel-celi... make-pretty-music-thing. He’s been on my deck all night and he didn’t hurt it! He even turned the speaker up to eleven! I didn’t even think my deck had an eleven!”
“It doesn’t,” Octavia noted drily.
Octavia caught a whiff of Vinyl’s breath and coughed. “Vinyl, are you drunk?”
“I is not drunk! I swear I only had...” Vinyl stopped to concentrate for a moment, letting the sloth go to the ground. “One second,” she said, thinking.
After about a minute or two, she smiled. “I only have ten!” she said proudly, holding out two of her hooves before realizing she needed them and falling to the floor.
Octavia facehoofed, letting out an annoyed grunt at the DJ’s antics. “Vinyl, I don’t care if Twilight is a princess or not, you are NOT going to her “tea parties” anymore. Now get up, and take that thing-” Octavia looked at Vinyl and noticed Mr. Bring-The-Party-Awesome-Thing was nowhere to be seen.
“Vinyl… Where did that thing go?”
*SNAP*
The cellist’s question was quickly answered as she turned around and saw the sloth lethargically hanging on to her beautifully crafted, mahogany cello.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!“ Octavia screeched at the site of a broken string.
Vinyl just sat there, giggling at the sloth.
“Hey, Mr.... Awesome. Do you know what that’s made of? It’s magnoy. Say it with me. Mag-noy,” she said slowly, sounding the word out before she just devolved into random fits of laughter.
Octavia stopped and glared at Vinyl. “That’s mahogany!”
Vinyl sighed. “Fiiiiinnnnneeeee. Meghoanty.”
Octavia’s eye twitched. “Vinyl! You get your drunk arse up and get that... that thing out of our house before it becomes MY house!”
Vinyl groaned. “Octy, shhhhhh, you’ll upset him. And my head as well. He’s just playing, right Mr. Awesome?”
The sloth meanwhile, continued climbing upon the closest thing to a tree he could find.
SNAP
“VINYL I SWEAR ON ME MUM I WILL... ahem... Excuse me. You really must get that thing out of here Viny!”
“Urg... Fine,” Vinyl said, trying to get to her hooves. And failing repeatedly.
“Uh... Octy, I forgot how to pony...”
Octavia groaned and sighed, turning back to the... thing and making a face at it. “Well, if Vinyl won’t do anything with you…”
The sloth just sat there, slowly crawling up the cello. Octavia made a face and went to grab it, holding it as far away from her as she could and carried it over to Vinyl.
“Vinyl, when you can walk, you take Mr. Awesome back to where ever you found him.”
Vinyl muttered something unintelligible. Sighing, Octavia went to put the thing on her, but there was something crucial that her brain informed her of.
The sloth wasn’t letting go of her.
“Mr. Awesome, please come off.”
Nothing.
“Mr. Awesome, please come off. I need my foreleg to beat Vinyl with.”
Nothing.
Octavia sighed, trying to keep her cool glanced around the apartment, eventually spotting a means of escape.
“Do you like sandwiches Mr. Awesome?” she asked, trying to get any, ANY response from the inert animal..
Well, it did blink. Good enough.
Octavia hobbled over to the table, putting the sloth encased forearm down next to the sandwich.
She waited.
And waited.
Vinyl moaned from the floor.
The clock struck four thirty.
And still the sloth didn’t move.
Octavia sighed, resigning herself to her new bodily attachment, when the sloth did indeed move. Just slightly.
Eyes wide, she quickly used her free hoof to get the sloth off and onto the table.
Octavia sighed in relief, before glancing at Vinyl on the floor, arse in the air and a snore emanating from the other end.
Octavia quickly thought a plan. ‘Vinyl is drunk off her arse, so she’ll not remember this night. There’s nothing to say that this thing can’t just... disappear.’
Nodding slightly, she got a pair of kitchen tongs and lifting the sloth with them, depositing it just outside the front door. She looked at him sadly
“Sorry Mr. Awesome, but I really must fix my cello, and then maybe sharpie mustaches and other things onto Vinyl’s face. It’s the right thing to do.”
It started to rain a little.
And the sloth sat there, in the grey light and the drizzle, contemplating his life and the turns of events that had brought to this sad and lonely low point in his…
Who are we kidding, he’s a sloth.
All he did was blink and start crawling up the road.
Until a voice penetrated the air.
“I’M WALKING IN THE MOONLIGHT, AND AIN’T ANYBODY GOING TO STOP MEHHHHHHH!”
A tall midnight-blue figure, stumbled through the pre-dawn light, stopping when it spotted the sloth in the street.
“SLOTH! YOU CAME BACK!”
* * * *
“And...and then she says, ‘Friendship is magic! I nearly fell flat on my sun-spangled ass!” Celestia laughed, leaning on Discord as she tried to dip her teacup back into the well-drained bathtub. She frowned as the cup slipped out of her aura, “O-of course, I couldn’t, because I gotta be their Pretty Pony Princess, all perfect and sexy and...stuff.”
“Whoa,” Discord stared up at the chandelier above him, eyes wide and glassy, “You should totally get that turned into a TV show or something…”
Celestia scrunched her snout in confusion, “...what?”
“You know, like moving pictures on a screen. You could send it to those human things, that way I bet a bunch of them would want to come over here! Instant free servants for ever!” Discord proclaimed proudly, suddenly sitting up and reaching into the tub, pulling out Celestia’s cup while refilling his own with the rich-smelling herbal concoction within. He turned back to the Solar Princess, only to find she was no longer where she had been. He looked down and saw her flat on her back, staring glassy-eyed up at the ceiling.
“That chandelier really sucks.”
“I know right?” Discord laughed, spilling his tea. He merely refilled his cup from the tub.
Suddenly the chamber door suffered a heavy strike. and then another.
“Open in the name of the Princess!” Shouted a voice from the other side.
“Who is that knocking at my chamber door…?” Celestia quoth, staring at the door in question.
Eventually, Luna figured out she had to pull, and stumbled into the room, crowing with joy, “Look who I found waiting outside for me!”
Celestia gasped and rolled in a random direction. “Is that the sloth from earlier?!”
“I believe it is!” Discord laughed happily, leaping up to stroke the snoozing sloth on its head as it lays across Luna’s withers, only slightly damp and no worse for wear. “He seems to be doing just fine, can you believe? Where did you find him, Luna?”
“I found him...I found...I...I can’t remember,” Luna shrugged, plopping down next to the bathtub of ‘tea’ and just sticking her whole snout in.
“Heheh…” Celestia managed to drag herself over to Luna’s side. “Look at this sloth...thi-this sloth is amazing! You know what? We should knight him, make him a prince! He’d be a much better Prince than that pile of manure Blueblood.”
“Y-yeah! Luna nodded vigorously, soaking Celestia with tea. Celestia didn’t seem to notice, “I...I knight you Sir Prince, First Crowned Sloth of Equestria and minister of Lunar Morale!”
“Lunar morale?” Celestia scrunch-faced again, “What would that do?”
Discord and Luna shared a knowing look, and both started cackling. Celestia looked between them and joined in, still unsure why she was laughing.
“My dear Princess of the Immortal Sun, we shall use this sloth to fulfill the ancient true purpose of his kind!” Discord threw his arms wide, nearly falling over. With a wide grin, he said, “We shall use him to troll.”
The sloth was unaware of his repurposing to serve the Royal Amusement, though, because the second he had smelt the strong herbal tea scent in the room, he had passed out like a light.
Twilight knew her teas.