Chapter Four: 3:10 To Yummy
“And that was when I came up with the idea for the auction, which, as you saw, was a complete and total disaster.”
“Dash, dearie, I know things didn’t turn out as you had planned but this is not the end of the world,” Rarity said as she gave her friend a reassuring pat on the back. After the horrific failure of Dash’s plans, the pair had retired to the Carousel Boutique where Rarity had done her best to console her friend with tea and cookies. “To be honest, I had hoped when this day came you would have handled it a bit more...sensibly. I wish you had come to me first.”
“Wait? You knew this was going to happen?” Dash asked. While Dash and Rarity were friends, the two weren’t what one would call ‘close friends.’ In fact, aside from their overlapping circles of friends, the two had very little in common. It worried Dash because if Rarity foresaw this then how many of her other friends did too? For all Dash knew, it could’ve been the subject of idle gossip all across Ponyville. What if everypony knew already? When that thought passed through the pegasus’ mind, she quickly drowned it in tea. She couldn’t allow herself to get hung up on ‘what ifs.’
“Why wouldn’t I?” her friend answered as though it should’ve been obvious. Since Dash was still visibly confused, she took the liberty to elaborate. “It’s all about body language, like how Applejack can’t look you in the eye when she’s lying. It’s those little details that you don’t think about that are most telling.” And with Dash rarely thinking about most things she did, Rarity had plenty to work with. “It’s things like how you typically focus your attention on Applejack whenever she’s in the room; how her words hold your attention longer than other ponies; or how you always seem to be more boastful when she’s nearby. Small acts that, when taken together, point to something greater.”
“You...noticed all that?” Dash remarked in disbelief.
“Darling, I did not get half of Canterlot’s elite wrapped around my hoof just from good looks alone,” Rarity said with an almost devious chuckle. “An eye for detail is beneficial for more than just designing clothes. Now perhaps you could speak with Spitfire and explain the situation. It’s doubtful that she even saw you at the auction, let alone that you were her competitor.”
“What’s the use? The plan is ruined already; the element of surprise has been lost, and any chance of impressing Applejack has gone up in flames.” Despite the repeated attempts at reassurance, Dash seemed intent on lamenting her fate. She knew deep in her heart that Rarity was correct, but even if it wasn’t the end of the world, it still presented a huge obstacle for her. “And Spitfire and I are so alike! If she goes on a date with her and hates it, then she’ll never want to bother going out with me. And if she does like dating Spitfire then what chance do I have against a big-time celebrity like her? What am I going to do now?”
“Do you really want my advice?” the unicorn replied, setting her tea cup down on the table. The calm severity of her tone told Dash that what was about to be said was not something she’d enjoy hearing, but bitter medicine was better than nothing so she agreed. “Applejack is, first and foremost, your friend. And as her friend, you should be helpful and supportive of her endeavours, even if they are not exactly what you desire.” Rarity paused briefly as she took another sip of her tea, draining what was left in it, and then began to pour herself a second cup. “Be there for her when she needs you...at this point it is the only thing you can do as her friend. And if need be, be happy for her. If you and her were meant to be, then things will work out in the end.”
As Dash had suspected, it wasn’t the brand of advice that she had wanted to hear. But Dash was willing to surrender to the fact that Rarity was more astute to what lurked within a pony’s heart. With a sigh of resignation, the pegasus got up from the table. “You’re probably right,” she murmured. “Thanks for the tea. I’m gonna go...do...stuff now.”
“It will get better, dear, I promise you,” Rarity reassured her. “Now, if you see Applejack, please send her my way. She’ll need to look her best for tonight.”
*****************************
The night brought a sharp change to the desert landscape. Sweltering heat had been replaced with a biting chill; the inescapable sun now shrouded by darkness with only a sliver of the moon to provide to any natural lighting; and the spirits of honour and justice had gone to bed with the rest of the ponies in the tiny frontier town of Silverstone. The only souls that lingered were creatures with malice in their hearts...and a nameless mare with only one goal in mind.
“Comfortable up there?” the mare asked as she climbed down from the water tower on the outskirts of town. She had done her best to make the process as comfortable as possible but there was only so much one pony could do when they string a goat up by the fetlocks from a water tower. Nonetheless, Blondie had strung the goat up by all four legs, ensuring that his weight was evenly distributed. There was no point torturing the goat - not until the situation called for it.
“Let me down from here you rotten little mule!” the goat shouted angrily, struggling in vain against the ropes. Such ingratitude after all the trouble she had gone through to ensure that hanging from the ropes wouldn’t dislocate a joint or something equally unpleasant. It made Blondie question the kind of world she lived in where such vitriol could be slung about so haphazardly.
“Well ain’t you just the sweet-talker?” she quipped as she trotted over so that she standing next to the suspended goat. “Listen ya dirty little thief, Ah’d love to a right-proper chit-chat with y’all, but Ah’m on a tight schedule. So let’s keep this simple, shall we? Where’s the amulet?”
“I ain’t got nuttin’ to say to you!” the goat spat in defiance. “And nuttin’ you can do will make me talk!”
The nameless pony let out a sigh upon the quick breakdown in negotiations. If she had a bit for every time a goat or pony said that, she would’ve been able to retire years ago. However, those years of experience were what made her so ruthlessly efficient at her job. “Oh, Ah don’t need to do anything,” she said as she motioned for the goat to look at the train tracks that he was hanging over, “the train will take care of that.” Almost as if on cue, a faint shrill of a train whistle rang out from afar accompanied shortly thereafter by a glimpse of the iron behemoth in the distance.
“You...you wouldn’t. You’re crazy!”
“No I’m not,” Blondie disagreed with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “Now the price of bullets, that’s crazy. Ah mean, it’s one bit for five bullets...but mah gun takes six so Ah need to buy two bits worth of bullets just to have a full cylinder, and five bits worth if Ah don’t want to wind up with an odd-number of bullets left-over. Now that is just plain greedy if y’all ask me.”
As the mare continued ranting on about the price of guns and butter, the goat’s attention was fixated on the oncoming train. He realized that the pony might be crazy, but she was also the only thing standing between him and being pulverized by a locomotive. “Okay! Okay! I’ll talk, just cut me down!”
“What? But we are talking,” the mare replied, seemingly oblivious to the approaching train. “Umm, what were we talking about again? Oh, Ah remember now - so nowadays, most bullets are manufactured out east in bulk quantities using them newfangled machines. Supply is sky-rocketing but there’s now an added expense of shipping bullets west and an increased in demand due to-”
The goat couldn’t understand what madness had gripped the mare, but her distraction was all part of a ploy then it was working flawlessly. The oncoming train had no concern over the price of bullets as it barreled towards the dangling goat. “Billy has the amulet! I gave it to Billy the Kid! Just let me down already, please!”
Rather than take the time to climb up and cut the goat down or waste bullets trying to shoot the rope, Blondie gave the goat a mighty kick before she hopped off the tracks. The goat swung wide of the train, narrowly missing the iron behemoth, but as the old adage went ‘what goes up must come down.’ Thus, the goat eventually swung back down, slamming into the side of the train and was knocked about as the train sped past. After being bounced off the side of the train about a dozen times, the locomotive finally passed, leaving the now train-tenderized goat dangling once again over empty tracks.
“Ah couldn’t quite hear you over the train,” the mare said as she walked back. “Did you just say you gave the amulet to Billy the Kid? As in ‘most wanted goat in the west’ Billy the Kid?”
The dangling goat nodded. “And he’s gonna make you pay when he finds out you treated me like this!”
“Like Ah haven’t heard that one before.” Blondie was clearly indifferent to the threat. In fact, the new development just meant she could collect the bounty on Billy the Kid and get the amulet back. It would be a double payday. “Well Billy couldn’t have gotten very far. He’s probably still in town.”
“Um...you’re going to cut me down now, right?”
“Yeah, yeah...one second, Ah’m thinking.” There wasn’t much in town that would be of use to an outlaw. Chances were if he came across something as valuable as an ancient amulet, the first he’d do is hit the saloon to celebrate. It’d be even more likely that Billy wouldn’t be alone but Blondie figured the element of surprise and their inebriated state would tip the scale in her favour. A couple of gunshots, a few choice words, and maybe a hoof or two to the face, and she’d have that amulet before sunrise and a sizable for herself. This disaster was turning out to be very profitable for her. If all went well, she’d have to send Daring a ‘thank you’ note. “Well, Ah’d best go find him before he hops a train outta town,” she finally concluded before she started off back into town.
“Hey! What about me?”
“Quit yer belly-achin’, Ah’ll come back ‘fore the next train shows up.”
*****************************
By the time Daring had managed to drag herself through the desert and back to town, darkness had already enveloped the landscape. She was tired, thirsty, and hellbent on giving a certain nameless pony a piece of her mind. Daring hadn’t been this fixated on a pony since the time she went delirious on tree frog posion and spent an afternoon chasing after Lord Flufflepuff, even though he had been dead for three hundred years. She couldn’t let the nameless mare get to the amulet before her if for no other reason than wounded pride. But there was a whole town to scour and Blondie has had several hours advantage over her. Tracking down priceless artifacts was one thing, but a single pony was far trickier. Daring wasn’t even certain where to start looking.
That was until, while wandering down the main drag of town, she heard a loud commotion, followed by a scream and a random pony crashing through a nearby window. A cursory glance at the building that belched forth the pony suggested it was a saloon of some sort. It couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. Daring flew over to the pony that was still face down in the dust and gave him a few inquisitive prods to see if he was still conscious. Thankfully, his headlong voyage through the glass pane hadn’t done any lasting damage to the pony, who stirred and groaned before opening his eyes.
“Blond mane and orange pelt,” Daring asked as casual as one would ask for the time. “Seen her?”
The pony pointed towards the saloon as Daring had expected. How wonderfully convenient, the archaeologist thought. However, the idea of walking into what sounded like a bar brawl in full bloom seemed unwise, even by her standards. Instead, with cautious steps she crept up to the shattered window and peered inside. To no surprise, Blondie appeared to be at the epicenter of the commotion, held upside-down by the tail at the hands of a towering minotaur. And all around them ponies and goats were duking it out in a wild, drunken free-for-all.
“Billy the Kid doesn’t like no ponies nosing around his business!” the minotaur bellowed as he held the nameless mare up to his face.
“Yeah? Well next time you see him, y’all can tell Billy that if he wants to stay a free goat, he best steer clear of me,” Blondie snapped back. The mare grabbed the closest object within reach, a bottle of bourbon, and smashed into him, sending a spray of glass and liquor across his face. That only seemed to annoy the monstrosity, who returned the gesture in kind by bashing the pony’s head on the floor. A stunning hit but the mare managed to maintain her composure.
“Any other requests?” the minotaur laughed.
“Just one...got a light?” The nameless mare quickly reached into her coat and pulled out a match. The minotaur was confused at first but the realization that his face had been soaked in flammable bourbon didn’t strike him until the lit match did. The brawl came to a screeching halt as all eyes turned to the flaming bull that was screaming and flailing wildly before barreling out the door towards the nearest water trough. A pervasive silence swept over the saloon, all attention fixed onto the nameless pony who was now dusting herself off. “Anyone else need a drink?” she asked as she returned her stetson to its rightful perch. Construed as a threat, there was a mass exodus as every goat and pony bolted for the exit. “That’s more like it,” the mare quipped as she strolled over to the deserted bar and helped herself to a fresh bottle from the counter.
As the storm had passed, Daring decided to confront the mare. Given the empty saloon, there was little chance of sneaking up on the pony so Daring opted instead to simply fly in through the window. If Blondie tried to flee, Daring had the advantage of flight and speed over her. A disappointed sigh escaped her lips when she took a look to the state of disarray the saloon was now in: overturned tables, broken bottles, smashed chairs, and the stench of liquor and burnt bull that clung to the air like a bur. Did this no-named mare leave nothing but chaos and destruction in her wake? Daring knew if she wasn’t careful, she risked getting caught in this equine typhoon.
“Well look what the cat finally dragged in,” the earth pony commented when she noticed Daring flying in. “Ah was wondering when y’all would catch up.” She made no attempts to run and instead hopped behind the counter. “Applejack?” she asked as she produced a pair of glasses.
“I beg your pardon?” Daring replied as she set down opposite of the mare. A directive flick of the nameless pony’s head brought Daring’s gaze to the nearby bottle of applejack. “Oh...um, okay, I guess.” As Blondie poured out a couple glasses of the golden brown liquor, Daring slammed a knife into the wooden counter-top. “I believe this belongs to you.”
The nameless mare was unresponsive to the knife’s presence since her concern would only have been piqued had the knife been directed at her rather than a wooden counter. “Oh don’t get yer feathers get in a ruffle. From what Ah’ve heard, you’ve gotten out situations far worse than a little rope and a long walk,” she said before she calmly slid a glass over to the pegasus. The contents of the glass, however, were immediately thrown into the mare’s face. “Ah guess Ah deserved that,” she muttered unfazed.
“That was for leaving me tied up in the middle of nowhere.”
“Figured that would’ve been for kissing you.”
“Oh right.” Daring grabbed the second glass, dispensed it in a similar fashion as the previous, and then smacked her across the face. “That’s for kissing me.” It wasn’t the exact brand of revenge that Daring had wanted to enact but anything more risked angering the heavily-armed pony.
Surprisingly, the pony seemed indifferent to Daring’s treatment; in fact, the mare just smirked and poured herself a fresh glass. “Normally Ah wouldn’t let a pony get away with that, but Ah’m in a good mood,” she said as she downed the contents of her glass in one gulp. Daring’s curiosity as to the cause of the pony’s good spirits were answered when she produced an amulet from her coat. It was made of sterling silver, shaped like a radiant sun, and adorned with a massive ruby in the center. “Grabbed it off that big, ugly minotaur you saw running out a few seconds ago. Not too shabby, huh?”
But while the nameless mare looked upon it with a self-aggrandizing grin, Daring could only manage a tired glare of disapproval. “That’s not it.”
“What do you mean ‘that’s not it’?”
“As in the Amulet of the Equilla is made of gold, not silver. Does your pea-sized brain even know what it looks like?”
The nameless mare gave Daring an incredulous look before turning her attention back to the amulet hanging from her hoof. “Then what in the hay is this thingie?”
Daring let out a frustrated sigh as she snatched the amulet away. There was no point going into detail as it would have been like trying to explain Artitrotle to an illiterate cavepony, which she was convinced was an accurate description of the earth pony. “It’s called the Celestial Heart. It was probably in the tomb with the Amulet of the Equilla.”
Needless to say, the no-named mare was not pleased to hear this. Her first attempt to quell her temper involved downing almost half the bottle of applejack in one prolonged swig, but when that failed she chucked it against the wall and stormed out of the saloon. Since Blondie’s interest in the silver amulet ended with the revelation of its true identity, Daring saw no harm in stashing it away inside her pith helmet before going after the other pony. It may have not been their intended prize but it was a valuable artifact nonetheless.
“So you’re the tracker, where do we go from here?” Daring asked when she caught up to Blondie outside the saloon.
“What’s with this ‘we’ business?”
“Well judging by your haste, you must have a solid lead,” the pegasus explained, “and since I know what the amulet actually looks like, it only makes sense that we pool our knowledge.” Or at least her knowledge and whatever the heck it was that Blondie possessed. It was tempting to let the mare walk off blindly, but Blondie might not know the Amulet of the Equilla from a bottlecap necklace. The odds that she’d screw up twice were slim but were significant enough to warrant her involvement. She was still Daring’s best chance to get to the amulet.
The earth pony looked visibly irked by the proposition but the sigh of resignation told Daring that even an imbecile could recognize logic. “Fine, but Ah’m still delivering it to Mr. Moneybags.”
“So long as it doesn’t wind up on some black market or being smelted down,” Daring agreed. Whoever had the amulet likely had no realization of its significance and would pawn it off to the highest bidder, or worse, break it down and sell its individual metals and gems for even greater profit. Neither prospect appealed to the archaeologist.
Blondie motioned for the pegasus to follow along as she started a hastened trot. “The amulet is in the hooves of one Billy the Kid,” she explained in transit. “He’s an outlaw in these parts and wanted for a whole slew of crimes. That big bull you saw was one of his crew so he’s still in town but Ah reckon that he’s already caught wind of what happened here. He’ll high-tail it outta town as quickly as possible, which means he’ll be hopping onto the next train outta town.”
After a quick glance to her watch, the pony quickened her pace. The train would be departing shortly and the sounding steam whistle in the distance only confirmed the sense of urgency. By the time the pair managed to reach the far side of town where the station was, their train was already beginning to pull out. Daring and Blondie hustled to catch up with the train, but the long trek through the desert had left Daring fatigued and she began to lag behind. The other pony had no trouble keeping pace with the accelerating train, jumping onto the rear platform of the caboose with ease. With every passing second, the train picked up more speed and even with Daring mustering all her remaining strength to keep up, she was just out of reach of the caboose’s railings. That was until the nameless pony reached out and hooked her hooves around Daring’s. With one final combined effort, Daring was pulled over the railing, landing atop of Blondie in the process.
“Thanks,” Daring said between heaving breaths.
“Don’t make a habit of this,” Blondie grumbled as she got back up. “If you want to tag along, y’all gotta pull your own weight.”
“I can take care of myself,” the pegasus insisted with a touch of indignation. She would have said more but was stopped when a strange odour hit her nostrils like a slap to the face. “What is that horrid smell?”
“Well pardon me Miss Fancy Pants but running water ain’t exactly common ‘round these parts,” the nameless mare snapped back before the same odour hit her. It was strangely unique and the familiarity prompted the mare to glance behind her. “Or maybe it’s a burnt, six-hundred pound minotaur.”
“Yeah, I thought I recognized it...oh, shoot.” The implications didn’t set in for Daring until after the giant beast had grabbed both ponies by the tail and hoisted them off their feet. Judging by his black, singed face, it was the same minotaur that Blondie had quarreled with in the saloon.
“Dang, you just took ugly to a whole new level,” Blondie taunted. So undaunted by the situation, the mare laughed heartily in the minotaur’s face and flicked the brass ring through his nose. “Normally folks look prettier after a shot of bourbon.”
“You sure it’s a smart idea to be taunting a bull?”
“Minotaur. And don’t worry, Ah’ve got this,” Blondie said as she drew her revolver. Unfortunately, she didn’t get a chance to use it as the minotaur knocked their heads together, causing the earth pony to drop her weapon.
“I’m going to enjoy stomping yer guts out!” the minotaur sneered before he threw the pair to the far side of the caboose.
“I hope that wasn’t the extent of your plan,” Daring groaned.
“It’s a work in progress,” Blondie insisted as she got up and straightened her hat. The mare took a quick glance to her surroundings in hopes of spotting something to help tip the odds in her favour. However, there wasn’t much in the caboose: a few beds, a work desk, an old lantern, and a cast iron stove in the corner. There wasn’t enough room to wield her rifle properly so her options were limited. “Just stay outta mah way,” she warned Daring before she grabbed an iron stoker from beside the stove. Not one to argue with anypony willing to stand between her and a six-hundred pound bull, Daring was more than willing to let the other pony handle the situation.
After a stomp of his hooves and an angry snort, the minotaur charged at the nameless mare. Thanks to the small confines limiting the bull’s speed, Blondie was able to vault over her opponent as he stooped down to bring his horns to bear. As she passed overhead, she reached out with the stoker and hooked onto one of his horns, allowing her to swing onto his upper back. The minotaur let out an enraged roar as the mare pressed the stoker across his throat. He thrashed about the room trying to shake the mare off his back, but when failed to work, he slammed his back, and Blondie, against the wall. Despite her tenacity, after the fourth hit, the mare lost her grip and fell to the floor.
“Enough nonsense from you,” the minotaur growled. He stomped his hoof onto her chest and slowly began to add his weight to it. Feeling her ribs almost ready to buckle under the pressure, Blondie reached once more for the stoker, this time grabbing it by the business end and swinging the heavy brass handle straight up into the minotaur’s nether regions. And Blondie didn’t just hit him once or twice; she kept swinging until the minotaur could take no more. He muttered a faint ‘mommy’ moments before he crumpled like a damp rag, narrowly landing atop the earth pony.
Content with her victory, the mare slowly got back to her feet, groaning all the while. “Now that’s how you wrangle a bull,” Blondie muttered under her breath. “Told y’all Ah could handle it,” she added as she shot a grin over to Daring...only to notice that Daring wasn’t the train car anymore. In fact, Daring was standing in the doorway of the next car, which happened to be slowly pulling away from the detached caboose.
“Sorry Blondie, but artifact recovery is my territory. You’d just get in my way. Don’t worry, though, when I deliver it to the museum I’ll make sure they note your assistance in the records!”
*****************************
If they were supposed to be together, things would work out in the end. Unsurprisingly, Rarity’s advice did little to reassure the pegasus that things would improve on their own. Dash was not a pony that considered ‘waiting’ to be a viable solution to any problem. And why should she? If she had the power and opportunity to change things then why shouldn’t she? Victory never came to those who waited. And Daring Do never sat around and ‘hoped for the best.’ She always had a cunning plan ready to be sprung at just the right moment.
Sadly, as the pegasus set her book aside, she realized that her options truly were limited. She tried to placate herself with reassurances that nothing serious could possibly come from a bachelor auction. It was, after all, Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts. She didn’t know Applejack like Dash did so what interest could she ever have in a simple farmer from Ponyville? Lacking the motivation to rise from the pillow she sat upon, Rainbow Dash didn’t react when she heard the front door of the library swing open.
“Welcome to the Ponyville library,” Dash droned out a template greeting without even looking up. She didn’t even have the energy to feign sincerity. “If you need any help just let me know.”
“Dash, Ah really need your help right now!” Applejack’s familiar voice brought sudden life to the pegasus. Her eyes shot up to the pony standing before her that looked as though she had just been chased into the library by a bear. “Y’ain’t going to believe what just happened to me today.”
Dash was almost about to answer that she did, in fact, know, but she realized that keeping Applejack oblivious to her involvement was for the best. Apparently, as far as the farmer was aware, Rainbow Dash had been in the library all day long as she had promised. “What? Did you into a fight with the pear vendors again?”
“What? No! It’s worse than that,” Applejack replied as she began to nervously pace about the room. “Oh where do Ah begin? First there was this paperwork Applebloom got me to sign...and then mah book got stolen by her. And then the Mayor called me onto the stage...” If Dash hadn’t already been aware of the situation, she never would have been able to figure out what was going on as Applejack bounced from one point to the next in a frantic, haphazard manner of story-telling.
To reinforce the pretense that she was supposed to be oblivious to this, Dash rose from her cushion and flew in front of the pacing pony. “What are you going on about? You’re not making a lick of sense.”
Dash’s presence appeared to have a calming effect on the other pony. It was a slight one but enough to focus her words. “Applebloom tricked me into some kind of bachelor auction. She fooled me into signing the paperwork and lured me out to the stage! Ah was...Ah had never been so scared and nervous in mah life...standing up on that stage with dozens of ponies looking at me like Ah was some kinda trophy.”
“Th-that sounds crazy. I mean, why would she do something like that?” Dash jested. She was more than content to let Applebloom take the blame for the incident. But it would only be a matter of time before the younger sibling confessed to the full extent of the plan. “So tell me what happened next.”
“Ah...Ah fetched a thousand bits, Dash. A thousand!” Applejack could barely wrap her mind around such a large sum of money, let alone to toss it down as casually as one would buy a cup of tea.
“Wow, that’s pretty impressive. You should be real proud of that.” Though it was hard for Dash to fake any sense of surprise or awe, the other pony was so distracted that she barely noticed the betrayal in her tone.
“Ah know Ah should. The mayor said it was a record - that it was more than every other pony put together. But that ain’t even the craziest part!” The more the pony talked, the more her nerve started to betray her. She began pacing about the room again, stopping periodically to wring her hooves in futile attempts to regain control. “The winning bid...was from Spitfire.”
“You mean the Spitfire?” Dash had held onto the faint hope that Spitfire would use a pseudonym to keep under the radar but that was not to be.
“Ah know! It’s crazy! Oh sweet Celestia, what am Ah going to do? Ah...Ah can’t go out with another mare!”
For the first time in the conversation, Dash was genuinely surprised by her friend’s reaction. “What do you mean you can’t go out with another mare? You have something against that?”
“N-no, Ah didn’t mean it like that,” she replied. Her face dropped in reluctant shame, which was at least a step up from nervous pacing. “Ah ain’t got nuttin’ against mares dating or getting married. Heck, mah first real relationship when Ah was a filly was with another mare. But Ah’m older now and Ah’ve got a future to look out for. With the farm and the Apple family name, Ah had always pictured mahself getting married to a nice stallion and starting mah own family. Can’t really do that with another mare...what with the wrong plumbing and all.”
“But you’re the one who’s always told me ‘love is love.’ You should be dating somepony because of how you feel about them not for their baby-making potential.” While it was tempting to use Applejack’s apprehensions towards same-sex relations as an easy cop-out to convince Applejack to abandon the date, it would ruin any hope for Dash’s ambitions. Careful verbal manoeuvring would be needed but Dash saw an opportunity to push nudge Applejack in the direction she wanted.
“Ah...Ah guess you’re right about that,” the other pony replied with a defeated sigh. “Ah’m sorry. Ah didn’t mean to imply anything by what Ah said. It’s just...this whole thing has left me a might stressed.”
Spotting a weak point in Applejack’s armour, the pegasus readied her verbal armament to break the pony’s will. “Well, if this thing has you so stressed out, why go? Just tell Spitfire you’re not comfortable with the idea. I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“Are you crazy?” Applejack exclaimed. “The money from the auction is going to the Ponyville hospital. If Ah don’t go, she doesn’t have to pay. Think of all the good that money can do for the sick ponies there. Ah can’t back out now and disappoint everypony.”
A dead-end down that road. Dash knew she should have foreseen her friend’s stubborn selflessness would interfere. Another approach was needed. “Then why do you need my help? Sounds like you’ve made your decision already.”
“Because...Ah, uh...” Applejack fell silent for a moment. Worry, fear, and insecurity was written all across her face so even before she spoke, Dash knew what the issue was. “Ah don’t...Ah don’t want to screw this up. Ah might not like the idea but Spitfire deserves a decent date, especially after shelling out a thousand bits. But It’s been so long since Ah’ve been on a real date...and...and Ah don’t know the first thing about talking to a celebrity. Ah mean, she’s a pegasus and a famous flier. Ah was hoping maybe you could maybe...give me some advice. You’re the big Wonderbolts fan here, and you hung out with her for an entire day after that competition. If Ah screw this up, it could look bad for me...and anything that makes me look bad makes Sweet Apple Acres look bad. Ah just...Ah don’t know what to do so Ah’m not...you know, a boring, old farm pony...”
It was hard for Dash to imagine her friend being so terrified of a simple date. Applejack was normally so calm and composed when it came to getting acquainted with other ponies. Still, rejection stung even when acceptance wasn’t sought after. A part of her wondered if Applejack would have reacted similarly if she had won the auction. More importantly, though, Dash saw the perfect opportunity to set things right. She couldn’t talk Applejack out of the date, and downplaying Spitfire’s strengths would only impact Dash’s chances. What she could do, however, was ensure Applejack was a lousy date. It might bruise her friend’s ego and confidence a bit, but if everything went according to plan, Dash would ample opportunity to mend both of those herself.
“Well, the first thing you need to keep in mind is that Spitfire hates lots of attention,” Rainbow Dash began as she put a reassuring hoof across her friend’s shoulder. “Don’t mention her celebrity or the Wonderbolts. In fact, as far as you should be concerned, you have never heard the name Spitfire before.”
“Really? Ah figured a big-shot like her would be all for that stuff,” Applejack remarked. She didn’t know much about the world of aerobatics but if fliers were anything like Dash then they should all be show-boating glory-hawks. At least it wouldn’t be hard to feign disinterest since Applejack barely knew of the Wonderbolts beyond what Dash has gushed about in the past. “So what should Ah talk about?”
“Talk about yourself and your passions,” she explained, placating her friend’s worries with a reassuring grin. “And the farm - you should definitely talk about the farm and all that apple stuff you do.”
“Ah guess that makes sense,” Applejack said with a hesitant nod. The old adage did go ‘be yourself’ and the apple farm was a huge part of her life. But she figured she just needed to be ‘interesting’ for one date, why risk it with such a subject? “But don’t you find that...you know, boring? Ah mean, Ah love the farm and all but it ain’t exactly riveting conversation for others”
“What are you talking about? I love hearing about the apples and...stuff.” Strangely enough, her friend seemed to buy the outright lie. Dash had always thought listening to the farmer drone on about apple farming to be about as mentally stimulating as Twilight’s lectures. “Trust me, she loves learning about other ponies.”
“If you say so.” It was evident in her soft, reluctant tone that Applejack was still skeptical of the advice. But Dash knew that the farmer would turn to her advice once she realized that it was the only advice available. Applejack was too stubbornly determined to avoid making a fool of herself to reject help from her friend. “Okay then,” the pony said after a heavy sigh, “Ah think...Ah think Ah’ve got this now. Thanks a bunch Dash...Ah probably would’ve made a huge fool of mahself if Ah had to do this on mah own.”
“Not a problem - anything for a friend!”
With her worries and nerves finally subsiding, Applejack was beginning to look like her old self. She even managed to flash her friend a small, wary grin before she started off towards the door. “By the way, Dash...are you...okay with this?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, with me and Spitfire going on a date. Ah know it ain’t a real one but she’s your hero and all. Ah was a little worried that you’d be jealous. Ah wouldn’t want this to get between us.”
While Dash was feeling envious, it wasn’t directed towards Applejack. She feigned indifference with a dismissive wave of her hoof and a reassurance that it wasn’t as though Spitfire had asked her hoof in marriage. Dash would’ve had a heart-attack if that had transpired.
After saying her good-byes and wishing her friend good luck, Applejack headed on her way out to get ready for her night out. But just before she left the library, Applejack stopped and turned to Dash one last time. “Say Dash, have you seen Rarity around? Ah was thinking maybe Ah could get some help from her too. Celestia knows Ah don’t exactly ‘dress to impress’ as Rarity would say.”
“I...saw her earlier today. She said she was going to be out of town with last-minute deliveries to her clients. Sorry.”
“Ah ponyfeathers,” Applejack muttered under her breath. “Figures the one time Ah could actually use her fancy nit-picking. Oh well, maybe there’s something in the attic half-decent to wear...”