//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 // Story: Discord's Problem // by solardancer //------------------------------// “Now, after dinner you'll need to do the dishes, and after that you'll need empty the litter box.” “Rarity? “What's that? And call me Ms. Rarity.” “When will we start our lessons?” I sound so desperate I might as well be a beggar on the streets of Canterlot. “Don't be silly, when you finish your chores, of course! Do you honestly think a lady like me would touch something as dirty as a mop?” “Don't you have your magic to help you? Since you're a unicorn and all?” “Yes, but it can be a bit tiring, especially when I have a lot of dresses to make. Now run along, if you break one dish you'll have to pay for that.” “Yes, Ms. Rarity,” I reply sarcastically. I snap my talons and the dishes begin washing themselves. Magic wasn't really part of the deal, but that doesn't mean I cannot use it. Besides, working thirteen hours a day is clearly a violation of Equestria labor laws.... If there were any in the first place. However, if I really want to win Fluttershy's heart, this is part of the bargain. Either take it or leave it. The litter box takes a while because the stupid cat keeps on getting in the way. By the time the dishes are clean and the litter box is empty the clock shows nine o'clock in the evening. I walk towards the workshop as quickly as I can, which is not very quick considering how short my legs are. “Rarity? I am done! Now can we start our lesson?” “In a minute, let me put on these beads to the headdress.” In other words, please wait another hour because I cannot tend to you before I finish this dress. I sigh and snap my talons, sitting on a chair that appears behind me, drumming my talons on the armrest. The workshop is so quiet besides the snips coming from Rarity's direction. I snap my talons and a book appears in my hands. I hope Twilight won't notice until I am done reading this. Daring Do is one of the best book series ever in pony history. “There, all done! Now we can start on our very first lesson.” By the time Rarity says this I am already on the last chapter of the second book. I mark my page and return the book to its proper place, jumping off my chair in anticipation. “So what are we going to learn today? The Art of Flirting?” I ask, following Rarity around like a dog. “We are going to start on the basics first: refining your manners,” She answers, pulling up a stool. “Now sit back down on your chair, you won't be able to leave my house until I find that your manners are suitable enough.” “Don't mares like you find stallions who be themselves more attractive than those who pretend?” I ask, confused. “Discord, dear, there is a fine line between being yourself and being plain rude. And frankly you are in the threshold of the latter,” Rarity explains. Ouch. I knew I can sometimes be a jerk, but I never thought I was this bad. “So where will we start?” “We will start with the easiest, improving your posture. Don't slump in front of Fluttershy like you are doing now.” I am suddenly enveloped in blue light, and my body moves unwillingly in place. Instead of my usual sitting position, my back is straight and my legs are perpendicular to the ground. My arms are put rigidly to my sides. I am not accustomed to sitting like this, NOT AT ALL. “What's wrong with my posture? I see no harm in it,” I snap. “Don't be ridiculous! Bad posture is a sign of laziness, and do you want to be seen as lazy?” Rarity retorts. Without waiting for my reply, she continues, “I guess not. Now, get off the chair, I want to see how you walk.” “You know I don't really walk... I fly,” I reply, pointing at my short legs. “Hmm, show me how you fly then.” The moment I take off the floor I am enveloped in the annoying blue light again. “Gracefully, gracefully, like a gentleman! Don't make Fluttershy thing you are an ugly spirit, make her think you are the best for her.” I roll my eyes at the word “ugly”, but say nothing. I muster up the most graceful flying position I can manage. “Like this?” “Hmmm, that will do for now. On with speech!” Speech therapy is now proving to be the hardest part of the lesson. According to Rarity, I am the rudest person she has ever met. “Now you have to speak in a soft tone, it's Fluttershy after all. You don't want her running off and crying.” Well I guess she does have a point. The problem is, I've never spoken softly to anypony before. “Like this?” “You need to be a lot softer than that,” Rarity coaxes. “Try to talk as soft as Spikey wikey!” Spikey wikey? “You mean that annoying little pesky dragon who lives in Twilight's library?” “He's not pesky, he's the sweetest dragon I have ever met!” Rarity growls. I hold my hands up in the air in apology. “Everyone should be entitled to their own opinions, it's a basic right written in the Equestrian constitution.” “Again,” Rarity commands, obviously still fuming because of my comment. On and on I try to pass Rarity's speech test, but my efforts are proving to be futile. It is already midnight, and I still haven't passed the tests. “How much longer is this going to take?” I ask, wiping my forehead. “Well, I really want to get dining etiquette out of the way today, but judging by your progress in speech it probably isn't going to be covered anytime soon,” Rarity says with a yawn. “Does this mean I am a bad pupil?” “Nonsense, you're almost there. You just need a little more coaching, that is all.” Maybe it's her fatigue, but this is the nicest thing she said to me all day. Besides, I'm bust. “Let's call it a day, then. We can pick up tomorrow morning.” Breakfast doesn't make things much better. This is Rarity's way to access my speech and dining etiquette at the same time. And by her ridiculously high standards, I'm failing in both. “No elbows on the tabletop!” “I'm trying but my arms are too short,” I protest, extending them. Even for the most refined pony Rarity can be pretty scary. “Hmm, that will do then. Your speech has improved since our last meeting together, and your eating habits are starting to make some progress... I guess that wraps up part one of lesson one then!” Rarity thinks aloud. “That whole thing was just part one?” “Of course now, silly, we need to find you a perfect suit!” Suit fitting might not be the most tiring, but it is definitely the most boring. If you cannot stand even one minute of standing still, this probably isn't for you. And my fidgeting is not making Rarity's job much easier. “Stop squirming! I need to get these measurements right!” I roll my eyes and grumble, “I hate suits, they are so uncomfortable.” “Yes, but they do look nice. And being the spirit of discord you might want to look your absolute best when you take Fluttershy out on a date.” “Who said anything about asking her out on a date?” “Why, after every lesson is done this will be your final exam!” Oh jolly, I cannot wait. I wonder if I'll be alive by then?