//------------------------------// // He’s Also an Idiot // Story: Ponies One Half // by Emma Iveli //------------------------------// Chapter 5: He’s Also an Idiot One night, Ranma jolted awake with a start. He had had a nightmare…and he hoped it would not be a reoccurring one. He saw that that did to people. Well, the one he knew about wasn’t exactly a person to being with. Ranma knew his life was pretty screwed up. After all he turned into a girl, his best friends were a group of magical ponies from another universe, he was engaged to two girls and had the okay to engage in polygamy. But a man confessing his love to him… even if he was a girl at the time? It made him want to take a bath and just keep rubbing until he was raw. “A nightmare?” a voice came. He looked to see Pinkie Pie awake. But he knew something was wrong; her hair was straight and if it wasn’t dark he'd be sure her colors would be muted. Not only that, but she was sobbing silently so as not to wake up anyone else. “Yeah,” answered Ranma, then said, “The Cupcake Killer nightmare?” Pinkie nodded and she began to sob some more as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Remember what I said, you’ll only end up crazy like that if you think about it. Besides, you'd never use ponies to make cupcakes anyway! They'd taste terrible!” Pinkie had to chuckle at that. “What was yours about?” Pinkie asked. “Marrying Kuno.” “Oh come on, we know that’s never going to happen.” Pinkie managed to crack a smile. Ranma couldn’t help but chuckle; she was right on that one. “Can I sleep with you tonight?” “Sure,” said Ranma with a shrug. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> The next morning, everyone was eating breakfast when Momo (her hair back to normal, Ranma noted) came into the living room with a bunch of instruments. “I’m going on ahead today!” said Momo. “I plan to distract those guys who like Akane!” The Tendos looked at the instruments, wondering where she got them, then dismissed it as one of her perks, just as the ponies (currently in human form) have. “But why instruments?” Nabiki asked. “That’s a secret!” Momo then ran off, exiting the room and the house. “So… what do you think she’s going to do?” Akane asked the others. “We’ll know later,” replied Hikaru with a sigh. “She seems to be in a better mood,” said Ranma. “Is this about last night?” asked Belle. “What do you mean?” “When we woke up, you were snuggling her like stuffed toy,” said Shampoo. “It was so cute we decided to wait to wake you up,” added Belle. Akane stared at them and looked away. She hadn't witnessed the scene and her man-hating mind immediately assumed that Pinkie Pie was in her cursed human form when she was really in her true pony form. Shampoo noticed this and turned to face her. “Akane. Don’t assume the worst,” she said, “Especially from Ranma.” Akane looked at Shampoo and sighed. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Meanwhile, at school… The Hentai Horde (as they were known), the mob that had attacked Akane the other day, were waiting for the youngest daughter of the Tendo family when they heard something… it was polka! “Where’s that music coming from?” asked a boy form the baseball team. "Can't read my, can't read my, no he can't read my polka face…" mumbled someone from the hockey team, seemingly remembering a song for no particular reason at all. The boy in the marital arts gi next him stared at him and scooted away, pretending that he didn’t say that. That was when they saw the source. It was Pinkie Pie (in her pony form), playing what had become known in Ponyville as the Parasprite Polka. “What the…” said a boy from the Kendo team. “There’s a pink pony playing polka,” called out a boy from the American football team. “There’s a gas leak!” yelled a boy from the soccer team. “I’m sure of it, there’s one somewhere!” “I knew I should have played sick today,” muttered a boy in a baseball uniform. The Horde soon dispersed in panic, screaming about gas leaks. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> In the Kendo team headquarters, Kuno was doing his preparation separately when he suddenly heard the polka. “Will someone turn down that music?” he asked no one in particular. He had no idea about the distraction that was taking place. After all, he was in a different location so he could be alone, thinking of Akane. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Sometime later, Kuno was now at the school entrance, devoid of The Hentai Horde that usually waited in anticipation for a chance to attack Akane. “I wonder where those weaklings are,” wondered Kuno, realizing he was alone. “Oh well. Perhaps I will be able to defeat Akane without their interference.” That was when he saw Akane in the distance, alongside with Ran and Ranma. All three of them came in with a flying kick, hitting him in the face. “I didn’t need your help,” Akane told her companions as they landed from the attack. “We were doing it for you,” said Ranma. “You are aware of what happened yesterday… right?” reminded Ran. “Yes, I am.” Akane sighed, realizing she couldn’t blame either one of them for wanting to kick him. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Later, in the second year class… Kuno dumped a panda plushie on Nabiki’s desk. “No thanks," said Nabiki as she pushed it aside. "Not my style.” “It’s not for you, it’s for the pigtailed girl,” said Kuno. “Why don’t you give it to her yourself?” “I have no way to get in touch with her. Unlike with the other girls.” <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Downstairs, in the first year class… “So what did Kuno give you?”, asked Ran as she held a cat plushie by the tail as if it were toxic. Personally, she would've preferred a cool bird of prey, a bat, or even a tur... uh… tortoise. “A monkey,” said Hikaru, staring at hers. Honestly, an owl better suited an intellectual like her. “A walrus,” said Belle, glaring at hers as if trying to set it on fire. “I don’t think he gets us,” said Alex as she held an eagle plushie. She was unaware that from his perspective, giving her an eagle made sense as it symbolized America, where she was from supposedly. (Of course she's not, you all know that.) “They’re kind of cute,” remarked Momo as she held a squirrel plushie. “Is it okay to get rid of them?” asked Chiyo, holding a penguin plushie in her arms. “I’ll show you how I get rid of the ones he gives me later,” offered Akane. “Did you hear…?” the girls overheard one boy talking to another, “The Hentai Horde all suffered from a weird mass hallucination… They kept babbling about a pink pony playing the polka.” “That’s weird… especially the polka bit.” said the other, “I mean, how would it even work?” “A one-man-band type of thing, I guess.” “You didn’t…” said Akane as she stared at Momo, who just laughed. “Why am I not surprised?” mumbled Hikaru as she rolled her eyes. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Back upstairs… “Did you give all of them stuffed animals?” asked Nabiki, remembering what Akane usually does to the stuffed toys he gave her. “Of course,” replied Kuno. “I want to be fair for all of them.” That was when he heard sarcastic laughing from somewhere. He turned to the otaku girl, who was the one who did it. “Why are you laughing?” “You aren’t the type,” answered the otaku girl, clearly talking about something involving anime. “What do you mean 'the type'?” “You’re a deluded idiot, not a hapless nice guy. If anything, you alienate them, not charm them.” “I have no idea what you are talking about, nor do I want to.” The otaku girl shrugged, “Oh well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Then again, you’ll probably forget this warning.” “What is she even trying to say?” Kuno asked Nabiki. “That you’re an eight-timing jerk,” she answered. “What? How can you say that?! The graceful Akane, the spirited pigtail girl, the intelligent Hikaru, the energetic Ran, the hard working Alex, the cheerful Momo, the shy Chiyo, the radiant Belle… I can’t help but love all them!” “If only you were a good cook,” said the otaku girl, reading Sailor Moon manga, “Then you’d fit the bill.” “You are no longer part of this conversation!” Kuno said firmly. “You wouldn’t get half the things I say anyways.” Kuno turned to Nabiki. “How do I give this to the pigtailed girl.” “Considering the fact that you are hurting my sister…” Nabiki partially lied. After all, he was hurting her sister, but not in the way he thought. “Why should I help you cheat?” Kuno then took out a wad of cash, knowing the only way through her is through his wallet. “How much?” “Before I decide, there’s something I need to show you.” She took out a couple of photos, all of them were the “girls” that Kuno liked. “3,000 yen for a set of five.” Kuno looked at the pictures. He didn’t want to buy all of them, but they were all beautiful. “I’ll take them all.” After making his purchase, he asked, “One more thing. How much would it cost to learn how to get in contact with the pigtailed girl?” Nabiki told him the cost and he paid accordingly. “The way to get into contact with the pigtailed girl is though Ranma Saotome,” she explained. “I see.” <><><><><><><><><><><><><> After working out a plan, Nabiki went to the first year classroom, where Ranma and the others were. “Hey, Ranma,” she called. “Kuno wants to talk to you about something.” Ranma nodded and left with her. “I have a bad feeling about this,” muttered Hikaru. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> After a few minutes, the six ponies-turned-humans along with Shampoo and Akane decided to see what was going on. They saw Nabiki explaining Ranma’s curse… rather poorly. “Her body, it’s all his…” Nabiki finished her explanation. Kuno took it all the wrong way…the way that involves slavery in a certain way… “You fiend!” he yelled, swiping his sword at Ranma. “Wait!” called out Hikaru as they all came over. Kuno turned to her. “Is it okay if I tell him everything?” she then asked Ranma. Ranma sighed, and the others nodded. Perhaps it was for the best to make this guy in on it. It would be better than having him chasing them, wanting a date all the time. And so Hikaru began to explain everything to him; the curses, the fact they were ponies, even the fact they were from another universe. “And if you want to… I’m willing to show you,” finished Hikaru. “This is unbelievable,” said Kuno. “Not only are you intelligent, but also a creative genius.” “What? But I just told you.” “You don’t believe her story?” asked Nabiki. “No… of course not,” replied Kuno. “Magic curses and alternate universe, these things cannot exist.” “Yet Aliens can…” “Of course! Aliens are a proven fact of life.” Truth be told, if it weren't for the fact that he was electrocuted by one once, he wouldn't have believed in them either. “But the bigger question is… why would she lie for Saotome?” He then went in for the attack, once again slicing his sword at the fiend. “I didn’t think it was possible, but he’s a bigger feather brain than Derpy.” said Ran with a sweat drop. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Meanwhile, back in Ponyville, Equestria… Derpy Hooves, the town’s mailmare was carrying a wheelbarrow loaded with hammers when she sneezed, accidentally dropping the load she was carrying. “Ow… what the hay?” she heard Spike yell from below. She had dropped her load on him. “Oops! My bad!” the Pegasus apologized. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Back on Earth… Kuno continued his attacks on Ranma. “How dare you do that to her?! I will break your spell on her.” Hikaru face palmed when he said that. “Let me handle it,” offered Belle as she approached Kuno, who continued to attack Ranma. She managed to reach him in spite of that, tapped him on the shoulder, and he stopped. “Excuse me. Ranma's is our friend. He doesn’t have a 'spell' on anyone of us. Frankly, if you attack him for no reason that would probably give us a reason not to date you. So…” Before she could finish, she was interrupted by Kuno. “Wouldn’t want you date me? Of course you want to date me.” Belle sweat dropped. “Excuse me?” “I am the talented Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. You should feel honored that you would want to date me.” Belle blinked, “Excuse me… I do not want to date you. I would never want to date you. There is only person I would want to date less and he is from a different universe! You are the second most egotistical male I have ever met. No wait, scratch that. You are the most egotistical male I have ever met! I would sooner date Prince Blueblood than you! There is no way I would ever date you!” Kuno looked at her. He looked like his brain had processed the information, then rejected it. “You… you didn’t listen to any of that, did you?” “I have to apologize… I wasn’t paying attention.” My word, Rainbow Dash was right… he is a bigger feather brain than Derpy, Belle thought. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Back in Ponyville… “Thanks for your help,” said Derpy as she flew above Spike while holding her cargo. “No problem,” the dragon assured her, who was fine despite the fact a wheelbarrow filled with hammers fell on him. “Thick scales, remember?” He also thought back on one time that Twilight had a flowerpot, anvil, wagon, and piano fall on her, also thanks to Derpy and her friend Raindrops. Just then, Derpy sneezed once again, dropping the wheelbarrow again on Spike. “You okay, Spike?!”, she called, then mumbled, “I just don’t know what went wrong.” Spike sighed while he lay under the wheelbarrow. He hoped the Princesses could figure out the location of Twilight the others. He knew if Pinkie was there, this wouldn’t have happened. Well, Derpy would still have dropped it, but he would have known it was coming thanks to her Pinkie Sense. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Back at Furinkan High… Belle began to walk away and passed Ranma. “Ranma… I trust you can handle it,” she said to him. “Uh… yeah… sure…” he answered, appearing to be in shock. “What’s that about?” asked Akane. “Rarity hates Marital Arts,” explained Alex. “And the fact she’s giving Ranma the okay to beat him up…is just plain weird.” “I see.” Akane sweat dropped at that. “I don’t hate Marital Arts,” Belle retorted, “I just think it’s barbaric.” “Isn’t that the same as hating them?” asked Momo. “No.” Kuno entered his usual fighting stance. Ranma had to admit, it was a good stance. Kuno quickly charged, and Ranma dodged nimbly, grabbing Kuno's wooden sword and kicking him. However, something fell out of Kuno's robes. Ranma quickly grabbed it, and saw a photo of him in girl form snoozing. Ranma grabbed more pictures as they fell from Kuno's robes; they showed the ponies' cursed forms, Akane, and his cursed form in various activities. Kuno managed to nearly get a blow in, but Ranma ducked, and rolled out of the way... only to find his eyes were looking under Akane's skirt. "Oops." Quickly recovering, Ranma continued to dodge Kuno's relentless assault. Belle noticed a nearby statue was starting to have cracks in it. "What the..." Ran smiled. "Whoa... The force of those blows is enough to do THAT?" Momo suddenly looked shocked. "Guess this jerk may be better than I thought." Ranma had just ended the fight by landing a barrage of kicks in an instant, and Kuno went down like a felled tree. Akane ran over to Ranma. "Looks like he got you on the side here." Ranma smirked. "It was nothing." “Does it hurt?” asked Hikaru as she gently touched it. Ranma began to tear up from the injury. “No… that’s fine…” “What distracting you?” asked Shampoo. “I think it was this,” said Ran as she found the pictures and picked them up and showed it to everyone. They couldn’t believe their eyes… each set had five pictures… “Who would be taking pictures of us?” Belle wondered. “Nabiki has been,” answered Momo. They looked at all the Momo pictures and sweat dropped… in all of them, she was posing. They all, save for Momo, glared at Nabiki. “Wait. You were taking the pictures in secret?” Everyone stared back at Momo, then back to Nabiki. “Excuse me… I have to get back to class,” she said as she then ran away as fast as her legs could carry her, not about to feel their wrath. Once she was out of sight, Chiyo spoke up. “I think we should take Ranma to a doctor.” “Can you do it?” asked Momo. “Oh… I still don’t know enough about human anatomy.” “It’s just a small cut,” said Alex, “You worked with worse while with Pantene.” “I think going to the doctor is a good idea,” suggested Akane, who wanted to go for reasons other than having to get Ranma treated. “Oh come on!” protested Ranma. “It’s not that bad!” Akane poked his side…and his scream of pain refuted his statement. “Okay…I’ll go to the doctor.” <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Sometime after school, Akane led them to the local clinic. She introduced them Doctor Tofu Ono, the local doctor. While he was in his late 20s, he still looked pretty young and moderately charming. “This wound is very minor,” said Dr. Tofu, “There's no need to worry too much.” Chiyo sighed in relief as Dr. Tofu began to bandage Ranma. “So, you must be the fiancé I heard about.” “Uh… yeah…” said Ranma. “Do you two get along?” An awkward silence ensued. “We… we barely talk,” admitted Akane as she blushed slightly. “Why?” “It’s…complicated.” “Is it that Shampoo is from Joketsuzoku, Ranma defeated her, and because of this engagement you have to do the Heaven and Earth Solution?” the doctor asked jokingly. “Wow… you’re good,” remarked Momo. “How you know about Chinese Amazon Law?” Shampoo wanted to know. “Nabiki told you, didn’t she?” asked Ranma. “What… no… I mean… oh my god…” Dr. Tofu was at a loss for words. It was a completely wild guess. How was he to know that was exactly what happened. “I was joking… I didn’t think that…” “It’s okay,” assured Akane. “I know. It’s weird.” <><><><><><><><><><><><><> After Ranma was fully patched up, they all headed for home. “You like him, don’t you?” Belle asked Akane. “What?” “You have a crush on him. I’m guessing it was before all that trouble with Kuno.” Akane blushed and admitted, “I do. But he’s in love with someone else, so don’t try any harebrained schemes to try to get us together. Besides, I already promised I will marry Ranma.” Belle sweat dropped, “That wasn’t what I was planning. I was hoping for some girl talk.” “Oh…” Akane sweat dropped at that. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Later that evening, Akane continued her training with Cologne. It was weapons testing to which one she could train with. Using the stuffed toys that Kuno gave the ponies-tuned-humans as targets, she tested all sorts of weapons. However, there was one she was most proficient in… one, it seemed like, she had training in already. The katana. “I guess I should train you in swordsmanship then,” said Cologne noting her skill in it. “No thank you,” sighed Akane, “I would prefer… the other thing you were thinking about…” “Oh I see. It has to do with that Kuno boy.” Akane’s eyes widened when she said that. “One of the reasons he fell in love with you is because of your skill with the katana isn’t it?” Akane sighed, “It is.” Cologne sighed with her, “I know you have a lot of problems with him and he did ruin your life, but I have the feeling that once word spreads about your engagement with Ranma…” “The whole school knows about that already.” Cologne let out a laugh, “But they don’t know how skilled Ranma is. Maybe once word spreads about that…” Akane sighed and shook her head. “You’re still young. One day, you will look on this and laugh.” “How would you know?” “I mentioned the founder of Anything Goes Martial Arts. I often look back and laugh.” Cologne then chuckled once more, “I mean, I have no idea what I saw in him.” “Yeah right.” Akane began to leave. Cologne shook her head, but she knew Akane would come around. <><><><><><><><><><><><><> Later that night, after Akane took a bath, she dropped off to bed. She didn’t know why but Cologne’s words about Ranma rang in her head. Little did she know was that most of her problems was going to go away sooner than she thought and that it would be thanks to Ranma.