//------------------------------// // Crusader Kings 2; Game 1 (part 1); Fool of a king // Story: Let's play some games with Leon, Luna, and Eddy // by Fireheart 1945 //------------------------------// Leon turned on his computer, reading the newspaper over again as he did so. Today was particularly juicy; Kim Jong Un and his officer cabal had been taken into custody by U.N. agents. Somehow, he'd been found inside South Korea, and the authorities there had arrested him. The paper didn't say exactly how that had happened, but Leon had a vague idea, and wanted to ask someone he knew about it. He put on his headset and started the game Crusader Kings 2. It was a fairly new addition to his gaming collection, and he could hardly wait. "Ah, you took your time," Luna's voice said in mock annoyance. "We've been here for about ten minutes already." "Not my fault; the snow made the bus go slower than it would have normally. We had a blizzard a few days ago, I might remind you." "Whatever. We're all royalty now," Eddy said, butting in. "Don't start thinking that either of you can take over for real royalty," Luna said, but her tone wasn't serious. "It would be a shame if either of you became something like Prince Blueblood or bureaucrats or something." "Don't worry," Leon said, smiling. "I'm a warrior king; I don't just leave war to other people." "Who are you playing as?" "The King of France." "I'm going in as William the Bastard," Eddy proclaimed. "Edward!" "Don't yell at me; if you look, that's what it says his name is." "Did they really name people like that back then?" Luna asked, sounding concerned. "Only when someone's fathering was... questionable," Leon said. "Hopefully we can all avoid that." "Well, in any case, I think we've made our decisions." Leon began clicking the various countries, resulting in a musical melody to sound whenever he did so. "I could sit here for hours just doing this." "Focus, Leo; the game is what we're trying to play, not it's music." "Killjoy." Still, Leon selected King Phillip of France - still a child - and waited for the game to start. "How did that test go on the Civil War, Leon?" Luna asked, still probably choosing her character. "I think I blew it out of the water, just like an ironclad does when it goes against a wooden ship." "Wish we had ironclads in this game," Ed complained. "Or for that matter, a working naval battle system." "Are you telling that you like to have you twenty-thousand man stack sunk by enemy ships?" Leon teased. "Well, no, mate, I don't really like that idea at all, but the game still feels incomplete without it. I mean, with the new Vikings-based expansion, I can land my guys anywhere I want and start pillaging, and nothing their fleets can do will stop me. It's ridiculous." "Oh, I've seen the videos; I know that that has to be annoying if you're the one getting pillaged." "Hmm," Luna hummed, "I think I'll become Duke of Rostov." "Brace yourselves, everyone; we have a badass over here," Eddy said, and Leon could imagine him pulling his hands back. The silence from Luna said everything for her. "Alright, be that way. I'll cream Harold Godwinson without you. Leon, get your giant gunsword ready." "Ha ha," Leon laughed deadpan. "Just start the game, Eddy." "Alrighty." The hub disappeared, and the screen seemed to freeze before it zoomed in on Brittany. "Yes!" Eddy yelled. "I have the greatest army in the world!" "Just in the beginning, Ed; remember the Mongols coming from the East; they'd cream you in seconds." "Well, we'd better build up something worth countering them with by the time we get here, that's all." "I don't know what you two are worried about," Luna cut in. "I'm the one they'll be hitting first." "Use your mighty goddess powers to beat them." "I told you before, I am not a goddess; even if this were real, I wouldn't have the power to take an entire army on my own!" "Both of you calm down," Leon said, "there's plenty of time to prepare. Let's focus on the challenges we're dealing with now, instead of those we'll be facing a hundred years from now. Ed, that means take England." "Kinda feels weird, invading my own country," Eddy said as he began packing his army onto boats. "Feels like a glitch in time, to be honest." "Just don't get tricked into fighting Harald Hardrada," Leon warned as he sorted out his court. "You do that, next thing you'll need is to hire mercenaries, on account of you'll have lost a good many men." "I'm not stupid, Leo; I've used that trick whenever I've played Harold." "Hmm," Luna hummed to herself. "I wonder which of these pagan nations I should attack first." "Take out the biggest first. Then you should hand some that land over to a bishop; that'll convert it faster," Leon advised. "Ah; my thanks. By the way, would either of you like to cement our relations with a marriage?" "I don't know," Eddy said. "I've got a few girls in my hometown I've got my eye on." Both Leon and Luna laughed a little. "How about you, Leon? Would you like to marry any of my daughters?" Leon thought about making a joke about ponies not being his type - he was sentimentally opposed to intercourse and marriage between the species - but he decided against it. Besides, all the characters in the game were human. "Yes, if you have any, but it'll have be start out as a betrothal; my guy's too young for marriage yet." "Right then." Leon abruptly received a message, asking for his character - a custom one he'd made - to betroth a Rostovian bride. He had to admit, she was a quite a sight, with golden hair running down her face. He clicked the accept button. My Court Chaplain and my vassals might complain, but what do I care if she's Orthodox and I'm Catholic? They're both Christian denominations. "Harold's just won at Stamford Bridge," Eddy reported. "Good." Leon set his Chancellor to forge a claim in "Just be careful, he might raise mercenaries to make up the difference." "He can't raise enough of 'em to make a difference." That was likely to be true. At any rate, Leon made sure he'd put the best candidates in the best spots in his court. He set his Steward to collect taxes in the capital of Paris, his Chaplain to research cultural technology, and he set his spymaster to scheme. He sent his Marshal to research military technology. His initial plan was to extend into Spain, and secure at least Medium Crown Authority. Meanwhile, he would try to strengthen his military might, in case such a person as the Holy Roman Emperor began a war against him, as well as increasing taxes and economic strength. Right now, he didn't have as much power as he might have, although he - nominally - controlled most of modern day France. That would soon change, one way or another. Meanwhile Luna declared holy war on one of the pagan chiefdoms next to her duchy. "Victory shall be mine!" the Princess declared as her allied duchies quickly joined. "With a voice such as yours, the enemy'll just cower as your troops overrun them," Eddy joked. Leon imagined Luna giving Eddy a fierce look. Leon set about looking for a target in Spain to declare a holy war of his own on. He found one in the Muslim Emirate of Zaragoza, went to the character, and declared war for the province. Leon wasted no time in calling up both his vassals' levies as well as his own. At this period in time, France had a sizable army, one he hoped was strong enough to readily defeat the Muslims. The greenish state just to the south was likely to be a good first target. Once his armies had assembled, he grouped them together and sent them into Spain. He had to cross through the non-allied Christian Aragon, but he had no other way to get them where he wanted them, and besides, there probably hadn't been a proper recognized system of military access anyway. The small enemy army that tried to fight got squashed like a cockroach under a boot. Then he set about besieging the castle. In the meantime, he knew he was going to lose four provinces - the Duchy of Normandy - when, or perhaps if, Eddy made himself King of England. He didn't intend to let the British man keep them, of course. The problem was that Eddy would be looking for that, and he wasn't just going to give them up. It was a better situation than if he'd chosen to play as Brittany. The only places he could invade then would have been Ireland and Wales, leading to a prolonged series of conflicts between them. One of them would probably end up subservient to another, which was nothing any of the three players wanted to have happen. "The invasion's going well," Eddy reported. "Harold's going to be my prisoner before long." "Don't do anything stupid with him, he might be able to pay a big ransom." "What I'm counting on... Oh wait, I just got a great idea." Eddy's voice sounded like he was on the verge of laughing uncontrollably. "Oh yes, I've got a great idea." "What is it?" Luna and Leon asked. "You'll see. All England will see." Leon was a bit puzzled. Other than accepting the ransom, he didn't see any point in keeping Harold Godwinson prisoner. Executing him wasn't a good idea either, considering the -40 penalty to vassal relations that acts of tyranny brought with them. Eddy would probably lose his new kingdom if he did that. It was possible to release someone, and get a +10 relations boost with one's vassals, but other than that, the player got nothing from it. Banishment was another option, but that would give Harold the chance to continue pestering Eddy later, and Eddy's vassals wouldn't like it. Eddy didn't let any more on, but his fits of giggles let Leon know that, whatever happened to Harold, it wouldn't be good. "How's the war going, Luna?" "It was a bit dicey at first," she answered. "Pagan nations make up for their other deficiencies with massive numbers of melee infantry, as you know. But our alliance was able to destroy their army, and now it's just a waiting game." "The sieges aren't all that interesting," Leon admitted, "but the only other way you could win the war is by capturing the chief outright, and that rarely happens." "I know. I'll move on to the next chief in line once this war's over." "Knocking over dominoes one by one, eh?" "Yes. This Holy War Casus Belli is overpowered for Rostov, to be honest." "But it's so much fun that you don't care." "Oh yes," she said, laughing a little. "And I'm going to use it as much as possible. After all, this gets a lot harder once the Mongols start coming in." "Yeah," Leon agreed. "Same thing in Medieval 2; Total War; the Mongols come in the middle of the game and either screw up Russia or the Middle East. Try holding onto Jerusalem as the French when your best castles and cities are an entire continent away." "I wouldn't know anything about that, as I haven't played that game... yet. What's it like?" "You'd have to play to really know, but it's cool. And the Kingdoms expansion is great, no doubt there." "Interesting. Perhaps I may look into it. Edward, how is the conquest of England going?" "At seventy-five percent but this idiot doesn't know when to quit." "I've turned wars around at negative seventy-five," Leon put in. "If you have allies and if they start playing intelligently. This guy has neither of those things going for him. Harald Hardrada is a bigger pain, to be honest." "Just be careful." "Can't win a war by bein' careful." "Whatever, man." Leon successfully captured another province. The Muslim leader opposing him hadn't called anyone else in - a stupid mistake - and he were going to pay for it. The siege of the castle was finished, with Leon's troops relatively undamaged. He immediately began sieging the next holding in line. "Oh, this is bad," came the voice of a slightly put-off Luna. "Just suffered a defeat at the hands of the barbarians." "You're Russia; just send in more." "Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is Russia before it was Russia, if you know what I mean. I don't have a massive steamroller to drive around!" "Sorry. If the need arises, buy mercenaries. They're good early on, if you can afford them." "Big if. You don't get much money early in the game unless you've bought the Republic expansion and play as one." "I'd love to buy it, but we both have more immediate problems; the evil hordes facing us. And the best way to get more money is grab more land." "I had most of my land for myself at the beginning of the game," Luna commented, "but I had to give much of it away because I was way over my demesne limit." She paused. "Odd, considering that I haven't really heard or seen that word much since Twilight and her friends freed me from the clutches of Nightmare Moon, and yet it was commonplace before my banishment." Leon felt a twinge of pity. Coming back after a thousand years had to be hard; for one thing, all of one's friends and neighbors were dead. For another, everything had changed; languages, the words used in a language, daily practice, morals, anything you could think of and it almost certainly had changed. Princess Luna hadn't been forthcoming with her feelings, and considering the pain that would have entailed, he could understand. She had been pleasantly surprised when she found out how popular she was among fans of MLP. And, although she said little about it to him (or to Eddy, for that matter), he could tell she was glad to have them as friends. Leon succeeded in taking down the final holding, bringing his warscore to 100%. He sent demands for surrender. The Muslim warlord had no choice but to accept. He was in jail before long, and the green territory switched to blue. Leon quickly went around gifting the church town and the city to deserving vassals, while keeping the castle for himself, at least for now. To help switch the religion, he sent his Court Chaplain to convert the people there. Naturally, rebellion would probably be rife in the area, but there was little he could do about it for now. "Not bad," Luna said. "But you'll have a long way to send armies to crush rebels." "Well, I have to start somewhere." Leon moved his army to southern France before dismissing them. After he did, he moved the viewpoint to cover Luna's war. Something must have gone right; she was winning the war, with only a couple holdings to take, both of them under siege. "Nice!" he said as the province switched colors. "It wasn't all that hard. When you have a gang of duchies as Rostov does, it's easy. Finland is next!" "Uh, Princess, that might not be a good idea." "What? Why not?" "Because the last few times Russia fought Finland... let's just say the Russians came out looking more like the losers than the winners." "But they did win. You told me that a while ago." "At unbearable cost." "Well, it's a different time now. And they are pagan, so..." "Well, ok. Just don't say I didn't warn ya." "Don't say "I told you so." "Deal." Leon clicked onto a Muslim stale near Zaragosa and declared war. "Finally!" Eddy sounded excited. The reason came up onscreen in a declaration confirming the defeat of Harold Godwinson. "Nice," Leon said again. What are you going to do with him?" "Oh, I'm first going to release him, then... make him my court jester." "What!?" "WHAT!? YOU DID NOT!" "I did," the Englishman said, giggling. "You can't treat royalty like that!" "I already did, Princess. Old Harold's now juggling and making a complete idiot of himself in my court." "But... but... but...." Meltdown... "Uh, Ed," Leon said slowly, "I don't think that's a good idea." "Ah, what's he gonna do, complain?" Seconds later, Leon received a message saying that William the Conqueror had died under suspicious circumstances. "What the?" "I think that's a big complaint there, Ed." "No shit! Now I have to try playing as his damn son, and he sucks! Fuck it, I'm killing Harold the asshole!" "WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT SWEARING!?!" As though oblivious to the Royal Canterlot Voice, Eddy imprisoned Harold Godwinson despite the fact that he had no proof of his involvement in the murder and had him executed. "Um... Ed, you just earned a -80 relations with all your vassals." "Screw 'em." Seconds after that, Eddy's new character Robert was excommunicated. "You have got to be kidding me! My Marshal just sent a letter to the Pope excommunicating me!" "Eddy, don't...!" Too late. "Let's see... imprison my marshal and execute him as well." Leon facepalmed. "Another negative 80. I'm surprised your kingdom hasn't self-destructed already." Moments later, that was exactly what happened. Little provinces and large duchies began breaking away from the Kingdom of England. Oh boy... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To be continued... Will Eddy succeed in bringing order to his fractured empire? Or will the rightous rebels unseat him? Tune in for the next Crusader Kings chapter to find out!