Disclaimer: I do not own Hasbro, My Little Pony or any characters, places, or events in the extended cannon, although it would be awesome if I did.
Recurring Memories Chapter Four:
Monster
Today was the day, I had no other choice. I was feeling it again. The hunger was unbearable.
I should start from where we left off, shouldn’t I? It had been over six months since my second murder. Cloud Chaser had talked with Rainbow, and the two of them were fixing their relationship. I had talked with Twilight, and the two of us were attempting to salvage our friendship our of the burning wreckage it had become when I started dating Rainbow. Star had started hanging out with Sweetie much more than she had previously. To top it all off, I had been killing faster than before.
Brutal, bloody murders.
Pretty much each one was closer to the last than the one before it. The break between the first two—as you know—was about a month. Between the second and third? Three weeks. Eighth and ninth? Three days. There were breaks where I didn’t feel the need to kill, fortunately. The break between the ninth and tenth was over a month and a half. That brought us up to today. I had over a dozen victims, and the guard was still none the wiser. Guard one still suspected me though, I think.
I still didn’t know their names.
Yesterday I had flayed a mare that overcharged Fluttershy. I carved CHEAT into her forehead. This was worrisome. I was running out of victims that truly deserved to be killed, and it didn’t bother me. That bothered me. Even the guard was noticing both the decline of the quality of the victims, and my own mental health.
Guard two even stopped looking at me like I was normal.
He even suggested that I was starting to admire the killer for being hard to capture.
And he was right.
I feel like it isn’t even me when I kill. It’s like I’m another pony, one that only cares about causing pain. It’s like I have an alter ego, one that is as sick and twisted—as sadistic—as I have ever been, just without the little problem I have with morality and guilt. I find him victims and point him at them, and what he does, he does. I admire him, in a way. He isn’t weak. He could do what needs to be done.
But as I said, the hunger was growing. I needed to hurt something. Something about me had been changing as the hunger got worse. Fluttershy stopped hanging out with me, and when I asked her why, she said I scared her and she didn’t know why, Rarity was nervous around me, and Rainbow gave me looks for some things I said. I was starting to get worried. I needed to stop killing. It was destroying me.
But it felt so good. So. . . right. I needed to, don’t you understand?
Am I a bad pony?
Does it matter?
Do I care?
I walked through town, watching for a pony that needed to be killed. A pony that begged for me to skin them alive, for me to remove each and every single one of their ribs while they wailed before feeding their internal organs to a manticore and hanging them up by the entrance to the Everfree. No, I had already done that. I needed something new.
The guard didn’t even know about half of my victims. The Everfree got to them first.
My eyes scanned the crowds. I watched for a thief, a cheat, a monster. The only monster I found was myself, but I couldn’t. I knew I should, but I couldn’t. I had to protect my friends. I had to kill to protect them as much as I needed to sate the hunger.
My eyes landed on a pony in the crowd that looked suspicious. I needed a quick kill. Not a long, drawn out kill. No, I needed a quick and silent kill in the middle of town, and leave none the wiser that I did it.
The mare called out for a pony and started running through the crowd. I started to shadow her, heart racing in anticipation. After a few moments, she caught up to her target, and I sighed. She was with a filly, one that had been lost, if the tears and happy hugs were any indication. I couldn’t. She wasn’t a monster. Not like me.
I returned home in disappointment to find Rainbow in the entry room. ”Rainbow,” I said. ”I wasn’t expecting you yet. I would have cleaned.”
“Something is wrong with you, Streak,” she said. “You’re changing, and not for the good.”
”I’m fine,” I said, even though I knew she was right. ”Just tired.”
“If it was only recently, I would believe you,” she said. I didn’t like to see her frown. I wanted to see her smile. My mind drifted to knives. With the right application, she would never have to frown again. No! Bad thoughts. That was Rainbow, not some victim. “There, right there!” she exclaimed. “That right there. That look that passes over your face. You weren’t looking at me like your marefriend. I don’t know what you were looking at me like, but it wasn’t you.”
”Of course it’s me,” I said. ”I did it, didn’t I?”
“It shouldn’t be you,” she said. “You’re scaring me, Streak. Sometimes when we lay next to each other, I feel like you’re planning on hurting me. I feel like I’m back in Tall Tale, waiting for my dad to feel the need to beat me, and that terrifies me. I’m supposed to feel safe around you. You’re my coltfriend, you’ve saved my life, and I’m afraid of you.”
You should be. Run. Run far and fast. ”You’re being silly, Rainbow,” I said, brushing past her. ”I’ll be fine after a couple of days. The case must be getting to me. I’ll tell the guys to not call me for a few weeks.”
“Damn it, Streak!” she exclaimed, grabbing me and turning me to face her. “This is—” She was interrupted in the middle of her sentence.
She stared at me in horror, and I stared right back, mirroring her expression. ”Rainbow,” I started. ”I didn’t mean–I didn’t want–I–you—”
Monster.
She slowly raised a hoof up to her cheek, placing it on the newly formed red spot. “You—”
That’s what you are.
“I didn’t mean to, Rainbow!” I exclaimed. “I’m sorry!”
You’re a monster.
I saw tears well up in her eyes. “I thought you wouldn’t hurt me,” she said. “I thought you weren’t like him. Like them.”
Reprobate.
”I’m not!” I exclaimed. “I didn’t–I swear I—”
Abuser.
“I need to be alone right now,” my marefriend said, turning around. “I need–I need something. I don’t know what I need.”
Fiend.
”Rainbow!” I exclaimed as she flew away, running out the door in a futile attempt to catch her. ”I didn’t mean to! Rainbow!”
She didn’t return. Didn’t even look at me.
Murderer.
I let out a scream of anger and anguish as I returned to the inside my house. I started grabbing things and throwing them. I didn’t even care how expensive it was. Paintings flew across the room after I ripped them off the walls. A couch flipped over from the force of the kitchen chair I threw at it. Doors were ripped off their hinges and windows were shattered as things flew through them. None of it made me feel better. None of it was living. None of it hurt so that I didn't have to.
"Dad?" a small voice asked with trepidation. "Are you okay?"
I looked up at my daughter, tears streaming down my face as I sat in the destroyed room. The only room I had spared had been Star's room. That was hers, not mine. I sniffed. "Okay?" I asked. "No, Star. I'm not okay. I'm as far from okay as I've ever been."
She shook her head. "I doubt that. You've had a fucked up life."
She gaped when I didn't even attempt a passing remark about her language. "I fucked up, Star," I said, voice fluctuating. "I fucked up bad."
"What happened?" she asked.
"I didn't mean to," I said. "I swear I didn't mean to."
“Dad, calm down and talk to me,” she said, being calm. Trying to give me something to grab onto and steady myself.
It didn’t work. ”I didn’t mean to. Oh, gods, I didn’t–I didn’t mean to.”
"Dad!" Star shouted at me. She wasn’t any better at the whole ‘calm’ thing than I was. "Snap out of it! What did you do?"
"Oh, gods, Star," I said. "I hit her. I didn't mean to, but I hit her!"
“Who?” she asked, eyes widening. “Who did you hit?”
”Rainbow!” I exclaimed. ”I tried to walk past her and she grabbed me and I just–I got so angry.” I looked down at my hooves. At this moment I noticed that I was shaking, and not just from the sobs. ”I’ve never gotten angry at her before, Star. Not at her. Not ever. She could kill someone and I would still love her, and I just–I lashed out at her!”
Star rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof, sighing. I think she realised exactly what she had just walked into. “Okay, we need to think about this rationally. You need to calm down, I’ll go grab Rainbow, and we’ll talk about this as rational adults, okay?”
I nodded. That sounded like an idea. My daughter smiled at me before walking out the front door to grab my marefriend. They would come back, and we would work this out. Together. Like families should.
Monster.
I sighed. Who was I kidding? I didn’t deserve forgiveness. I deserved what I gave my victims, what I knew I should give myself. A slow, brutal death. A death that dangled hope right in front of my nose all the way until my death.
Why do you try?
I snuck out the back door, not trusting Star to not be watching the front door for a few minutes. That would be the thing she would do. She knew me, even if I didn’t know myself.
You try and try, but you never learn.
I ran far, and I ran fast. I didn’t stop moving until my hooves hit the dirt of the Everfree Forest. My hooves itched. I still hadn’t sated the hunger.
You blame it all on me.
It wasn’t me that hit Rainbow. It was him. He was angry with me. He wanted more victims. He wanted to kill. Not me. Him.
You blame it all on me when it is you.
I sighed as I slowed to a walk. I wasn't even winded. I trotted through the forest, ignoring the leaves falling around me. There was a very slim chance that somepony was just walking through the Everfree, and I liked Zecora. I didn’t want to kill her.
That's the hard truth.
I wandered the forest for what seemed like hours. The sun began to set, and I had yet to sate my hunger. I was about to head further inside to search for the zebra hermit when I heard a branch snap.
I am you, and you are me.
A mare was behind me. She hadn't seen me yet, due to how dark it was and my coloring. I didn't even think. I saw a pony I didn't know in the forest—alone—and struck. She dropped without making a noise.
You can't escape me because there is nothing to escape.
I hit her. I pounded my hooves into her face over and over, attempting to release my pent-up frustrations. Even as she stopped bleeding, I kept hitting her. I didn't feel better. Why didn't the hurt go away? I stood up and paced nearby the body on bloody hooves. What was I doing wrong? Why did I still hurt?
You are a monster.
"Mommy?" a small voice called out.
No.
Monster.
The little filly from the market earlier today walked down a path toward the body of the mare I just murdered. Her eyes skipped over me. I looked like another part of the forest. However, they widened considerably when she beheld her mother. "Mommy!"
Gods no.
Monster.
She tripped as she ran, skidding to a stop next to the murdered mare. The little filly started shaking the cooling corpse of the older mare. "Mommy, this isn't funny. Wake up Mommy! You said you'd always wake up! You promised you wouldn't sleep like Daddy! You promised!"
Monster.
The poor filly didn't notice me as I slowly backed up. Oh, gods. What kind of monster was I? Why did I do that? Why?
I turned and ran, leaving the filly to her mourning. I ran out as I ran in, hard and fast. I eventually collapsed into a bench in the park situated close to the Everfree. I don't know how long I sat there, staring at nothing before Star and Rainbow found me.
“What the hell, Streak?” Rainbow shouted. “Star told you to stay in the house. We’ve been looking everywhere for you!”
I looked up at her and she gasped. I guess I must have looked pretty bad. I hadn’t washed, I didn’t sleep, and I’m pretty sure I had blood on my face. Yeah, it was the blood on my face. I raised my hooves, similarly bloody. ”I—” I started. ”I just keep doing it. I don’t want to, but I do.”
“Oh, gods,” Rainbow said breathily. “It’s been you?”
”I don’t want to,” I said. ”I don’t want to, but I have to. It hurts if I don’t.”
Star sighed and settled down onto her haunches. “Have they all been you?”
”Since Aurora,” I said, hanging my head. Rainbow gasped again at that reveal. ”I just. . . couldn’t–couldn’t let him get away with what he had done. He needed–needed to be punished, and only three ponies knew what he had done..”
“So you took his punishment into your own hooves?” Star asked. She was being much calmer about learning her father was Equestria’s only serial killer better than I thought she would. Maybe she was faking taking it well.
I nodded. ”He couldn’t get away with it. He wouldn’t punish himself. Rainbow wouldn’t hurt him. That left me.”
“What did he do?” Star asked. “They all did something wrong, right?”
I nodded again. ”Mhm.”
“What did he do?” she asked.
”Private,” was my reply.
“You need to give me something, Dad,” Star said, frowning. “Get it all off your chest.”
”Not my place to tell,” I stubbornly insisted.
“He beat me,” Rainbow said suddenly. “Regularly and viciously. I have more broken bones than I care to count from that stallion.”
My daughter nodded in understanding. “That explains why both of you reacted like you did when he hit you.”
I moaned, ”I’m a monster.”
“You have a problem,” Star corrected. “You have a serious problem that festered until it got to this point. This is not in solely your hooves.”
Rainbow sighed. “I’ll send a letter through Spike to Luna, have her come down. If anypony knows anything about this, she will. If she doesn’t, she’ll know who does.”
“That’s a good idea,” Star said. “Make sure he knows it’s a priority message. Be vague so he doesn’t know what we need her for.”
Rainbow saluted, spread her wings, and stopped. She walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek, somehow avoiding getting blood on her. “I don’t get what you did, I don’t pretend to understand why you did it, but I’ll stick with you until either you’re better, or one of us dies.“ With that, she took off in the direction of the center of town.
Star and I watched her shrinking form as it carved an unusually straight rainbow trail across the sky straight for the library. “She’s an amazing mare,” Star said. “Others would be freaking out and getting as far away from you as they can, but she just told you she’s staying with you.”
I smiled sadly. ”I don’t deserve her,” I said.
“No you don’t,” Star said bluntly. “You’re a vulgar, perverse murderer.” My ears flattened at hearing my daughter’s voice describe me so aptly. “That’s why we’re fixing you. So that you become a stallion worthy of her.” Her eyes locked with mine, and I saw seriousness I hadn’t seen in ages in them. “This means no swearing, toning down the libido, and no more killing. Are we clear?”
I looked at my daughter, then at the fading trail floating in the air. Was it worth it? Could I do it?
For Rainbow? I’d do anything. ”Of course.”