//------------------------------// // Watch out for crossing Sloths // Story: A Sloth in Equestria // by Quicksear //------------------------------// Watch out for crossing Sloths Written by: Quicksear, Listener, Selkowitz Edited by: Selkowitz, Candle_Jack We do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or any of the characters herein ...except the sloth, he's our fault. Henrique walked through the dense forests of Costa Rica. He’d been doing humanitarian work at a local animal rescue centre in the hopes of finding meaning in life by helping little animals, but so far, he had yet to find his divine purpose. He brushed his dark chocolate hair from his light chocolate forehead, staring into the sunset with his medium chocolate eyes. He looked up into the sky as he tried to take solace in the one thing that made his perfect life more bearable; a cartoon he’d found on the internet, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Yet it offered more questions than answers. Who was he? What were his preferences? Should he be questioning his sexuality? Should he close that meth lab he started in the forest? Nothing made sense to poor Henrique anymore, but he smiled bravely in the face of his troubles. As the sun dipped below the horizon, the evening star winked into existence, and he felt a small surge of hope. It was the same image imprinted on his mind from his childhood in Brazil, where his uncle would sing soft songs while he and Henrique did...private things behind the shed. Looking at the lone star between the trees, he stepped forward, hand over heart and sang out in a rich Latin voice; “I have no friends and live alooooone~ And run a meth lab on my ooowwn~ "I wish I'd have a run of luuuuck"~ And have the courage to just say- WHAT THE EFF IS THAT?!” A vast glowy blue thing that looked as if it came directly from a certain portal-themed computer game opened up right in front of him, blinding him. Through his squinted eyes, he could see, shimmering in the blue haze, green rolling fields, a bright sky, and, he knew in his heart, a bright future. With a gasp, a series of deep and meaningful thoughts rushed through his head, life changing epiphanies. Not that we really care. Because at that moment, thirty feet above his head, a sloth tried to eat a leaf three sizes too big for him and fell through the portal instead. * * * * The edge of the everfree was as vibrant and beautiful and terrifying as ever that fateful day in Ponyville. Fluttershy was out walking her bear and humming a quiet song to herself as she trotted along, admiring the flowers. All was perfect in her quiet slice of Equestria. All she had to worry about was how many flans she had to pack for her and her friends’ next picnic. Six, or twelve? But was two too many per pony? Or too little? But then something disturbed her bliss. She saw the Thing. It crawled across the ground in her direction, looking up at her with intent liquid eyes, its short tubby milk-bottle body covered in a thick shag carpet a younger Cheerilee would have been proud of, with two long tentacle-like arms, each tipped in dangerous-looking, wickedly curved claws. The creature blinked once, then raised a claw and thrust it towards the petrified pony. Fluttershy screamed. Her bear broke his leash and made a break for the cottage, whimpering in fear as his master emptied her lungs at the sight that was Equestria’s latest visitor. Fluttershy finally ran out of air. As she gasped, lightheaded, the fell creature’s clawed hand finally hit the ground. The creature blinked. Fluttershy took that as the perfect invitation to fly the hell outta there. * * * * Twilight was trying her best to not wring her wings in annoyance. Fluttershy had barreled into the library, scared out of her wits, blubbering like a foal. Twilight had been unable to calm the petrified pegasus, but considering the oddly calm week Ponyville had, she’d decided to play it safe and call her friends in case of some monster/demon attack. Even now, with Rainbow Dash here to translate the Flutterspeak, they weren’t getting very far. Dash was too busy laughing. “W-Wait, so...this...thing comes...and your bear just...wahahahaha!” Twilight stamped a hoof. “Will you please explain this clearly, Dash!” “Ooh, ooh! Can I guess?” Pinkie bounced up, waving a hoof. “Did your bear go vacationing at the beach again?!” “Fer the last time, Sugarcube,” Applejack pulled the pink pony back to ground, “That never actually happened. But really, git talkin’ Dash, is it serious?” “Oh, no!” Dash laughed and rolled back to her hooves. Then she turned to Twilight. “Though apparently, another weird creature has turned up in the Everfree. We should go check this out.” “Another one?!” Twilight huffed, frowning. “Don’t we get enough of those humans forcefully dropped into our universe already?” “No no, not one of those,” Dash interrupted. “Otherwise Flutters would have just corralled it onto Sweet Apple Acres. This is something different.” "Oh," Twilight blinked, then smiled with relief. “We really don’t need any more slave labour in the Crystal Empire diamond mines. Right! So what is it this time?” “Uhh…” Rainbow Dash scratched the back of her head idly, “Flutters doesn’t know. Apparently it’s really scary, has big claws and is dressed like it comes from thirty years ago.” A huge gasp filled the room. Nopony was surprised when they turned to Rarity, “We simply cannot allow that poor creature to suffer so! We must aid it!” Twilight rolled her eyes as she trotted for the door. “Oh, we wouldn’t dream of it Rarity. Let’s just go sort this out, girls, I need to get back to my studies.” Rainbow Dash was holding up the book from Twilight’s desk, “You were reading Fifty Bales of Hay?” The book turned lavender and slammed shut on her muzzle. * * * * “Wow, that...is kinda creepy.” The sloth blinked, took a small nap, and opened his eyes again. Rainbow Dash hovered above him hesitantly, stuck between poking the creature or drop-kicking it. “Oh, it looks all super secret agent-y! Silent but deadly! Like a platypus!” Pinkie exclaimed, hunkering down to grin at the sloth on its own level. The sloth merely blinked again and began crawling forward at the rate of a continent. Applejack, who’d gotten bored and was only half paying attention, snapped up from her daydream. “Ah didn’t touch them baked beans-! Oh, right, the critter. Well, them claws look mighty vicious, but…aw, c’mon, it ain’t even got proper teeth!” Rarity stood as far away as she could while still being in the conversation, calling, “Oh, please, just put it out of its misery already. Imagine its pain!” Twilight inspected the slowly moving sloth curiously. “Well, I don’t think it’s injured. It just looks…slow.” Rarity scrunched up her nose in disgust. “Not what I meant, darling.” “Oh…I d-don’t know…” Fluttershy joined Twilight in her inspection, though from a greater distance. “It doesn’t look so bad now that I have you girls here with me, but still...” “Girl, when we’re around, ” Rainbow Dash boasted loudly, “we make Discord look like a wimp! I mean- Pinkie look out!” Pinkie didn’t move. She remained patiently, smiling the entire thirty seconds it took the Sloth to slowly reach out with its curved claws and latch onto her leg. The others watched, breath frozen in their lungs. Pinkie giggled-snorted and nuzzled the unresponsive sloth as it very deliberately climbed her leg. “You sillies, its claws aren’t even sharp! It’s so cuddly!” “Err…” Applejack and Rainbow Dash both shared a look as Rarity took an involuntary step back. Twilight raised an eyebrow at the trusting and incredibly slow animal. Then she looked at the sloth. After about a minute of Pinkie giggling in place, the sloth found its way onto Pinkie’s back and dozed there peacefully, its blunt snout buried in her mane. Twilight was perplexed. “I can’t believe it’s moving so slowly. Maybe there’s a lethargy spell on it or something. Anyway, Fluttershy, you should look after it for the time being. I’ll be right over the second I can get some information about this thing.” “Um…how about no?” Fluttershy meeped. “M-my animal friends would be so frightened. They’d think he looks scary and dangerous and creepy and Pinkie seems to like him maybe she can take him it would be closer anyway *gasp* …if that’s okay, of course.” “Oh, pick me, pick me! I’m a Pinkie!” Pinkie jumped from hoof to hoof, shaking her guest from her shoulders. The sloth’s arms locked around her barrel as he was bounced a hundred and eighty degrees around and swung under her belly. The sloth was treated with a view of Pinkie’s tail bouncing up and down between her hind legs. “Pinkie, fer Celestia’s sake, right that poor critter right now!” Applejack admonished, looking slightly uncomfortable with the sloth’s current…position on her friend’s body. Pinkie dutifully planted her head on the ground, supporting herself with her neck while she used her forehooves to try and pry the sloth off. Unfortunately, this time, the shaggy mammal was less cooperative. She stood back up and shrugged. “He doesn’t want to let go. So can I keep him?” Twilight blinked, then shrugged back, turning towards to town. “Sure, why not. It doesn’t look like it…does anything anyway. Okay, I’ll come by Sugarcube corner in…about an hour?” “An hour with my new friend?” Pinkie grinned, standing on her hind legs to display the upside down sloth. “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of him! How hard can it be?” And the universe trembled. * * * * Pinkie waddled her way into Sugarcube Corner with the sloth still latched awkwardly beneath her. She couldn’t really find a way to remove it; pulling on its shoulders, besides possibly hurting the creature itself, dug its long claws into her back. They didn’t have to be sharp to hurt, but Pinkie was hardly bothered, with how caught up in the creature she was. A new friend! Or pet? Either way, new games to play and a party to have! She only had an hour…less, now…so it would have to be a ‘private party’. A shady stallion had once asked if she would throw one for him at his house. Of course she’d agreed. He’d looked more angry and confused and happy when she did, though. This time, it would just be her, Gummy, and…the New Guy! She began wondering what sort of cupcakes he would want and how much punch to make! However, the thought of punch brought a twinge to her bladder. She giggled as she trotted up the stairs to her apartment. “Oops, looks like I need to use the little filly’s room.” But then she remembered her hanger-on. One glance back reaffirmed the sloth’s unwillingness to remove himself from Pinkie’s person. Pinkie smiled indulgently at the docile mammal. Oh, I can wait a bit longer. Instead, she began nosing through her personal stash for the correct snacks. * * * * Mr. Cake had had a long day. After making a round of party treat deliveries Pinkie should have made, he trudged upstairs to check on his wife, looking after the foals Pinkie was meant to be foalsitting. But Pinkie had an excuse: Official Princess Business seemed like a very convenient explanation. Which is why, when Mr. Cake heard Pinkie’s excited giggling from within her room, he was a little ticked off. He frowned as he reached for the door. “Pinkie what are you- Uhhh…” As the door opened, revealing the scene, his words died. Pinkie lay on her bed, surrounded by sweets and treats, her belly covered with what looked like a thick brown shaggy blanket. What disturbed the older stallion was how Pinkie was holding a cupcake up between her hind legs, laughing. “You want a bite, little fella? Okay, here you go!” She lowered the cupcake, and it re-emerged distinctly nibbled on. Pinkie ‘awww'd’, “You not like that one, huh? Well don’t worry, I’ve got plenty for you to try!” Mr. Cake, pale and terrified, backed away slowly. As he turned and bolted for his own bedroom, he decided he had some very serious questions to ask his wife about mares. * * * * Pinkie chuckled as she ate the remainder of the last treat the sloth had tried and turned away. “Boy, you are a fussy eater, aren’t you? Maybe you like greens better after all?” The sloth merely looked out of the corner of its eye back at the mare it was quite comfortable latched onto. Pinkie waited in vain for any kind of response but didn’t stop smiling when none came. Instead, she bounced into the air, rolled, and landed on her hooves, ready to trot downstairs for some lettuce. However, her smile faltered as she crossed her hind legs. “Whoa filly, you gotta go.” She looked down at the still clingy sloth, scrunching her snout a little as she asked for the fifth time, “Hey, I know you like it down there, but how about you let Auntie Pinkie go to the bathroom now?” The sloth merely blinked back over its shoulder. “Aww, but come on! I feel like I’m about to pop like a water balloon! Only it won’t be water!” The sloth didn’t so much as flinch. Pinkie tried her best puppy dog eyes, “Pleeaase?” Another blink. Pinkie changed tack; “Okay, how about you just…turn around? I just can’t go with your head…there, okay? If you turn around, it would still be weird, but doable.” Nothing. Pinkie sighed into her breast, breathing deep, regular breaths. “Okay, if you don’t wanna move…then you just gotta hold it in, Pinkie. Be strong! I mean, Twilight will be here soon to take him off, right? You only have to wait…” She looked at the clock in her room. Her ears drooped. “Twenty minutes… Oh Celestia…” * * * * Twilight trotted towards Sugarcube Corner at the designated time, her muzzle firmly buried in a very…interesting description of the creature Fluttershy had found. It was strange, but at least there was no foul magic afoot, and neither was the creature at all dangerous. Twilight chuckled as she imagined the look on the creatures face after being undoubtedly exposed to one of Pinkie’s ‘private parties’. Twilight had heard about the one Pinkie had thrown once before, and that the stallion in question had been left speechless. So when the alicorn knocked on the back door to Sugarcube Corner, she was not expecting to see what she saw. She’d barely knocked twice before the door flew open, revealing a pale, scrunched up Pinkie Pie, eyes wide with relief as she stood there, hind legs crossed and tail twitching enough for a landslide. “Oh, Twilight, you’re here!” “Um, yes,” Twilight took a step back, slightly unnerved. “Do you mind if I-“ Pinkie threw her forehooves wide, just about begging, “Take it! Please!” “Uh…Okay.” Twilight tugged on the sloth with her telekinesis, getting nothing but an agonized groan from Pinkie. Twilight decided not to tempt fate and simply teleported the sloth off into empty space. By the time the sloth gently thumped to the ground, Pinkie was gone. Twilight blinked as the single strand of pink hair drifted to the ground in her friend’s absence. “Well…see you later, Pinkie!” As Twilight levitated the sloth onto her own back and walked away, in Sugarcube Corner, the floodgates opened. * * * * “Right! Home sweet tree! Off you get,” Twilight said cordially to the sloth on her back. She was hardly surprised when it failed to comply, but as an alicorn, she didn’t have to put up with the sloth’s- Shzzzzt The slightly disorientated sloth turned and looked back at Twilight, the same bemused look in its eyes as ever. It turned lethargically and reached a clawed hand out towards the lavender alicorn, but Twilight tutted unamusedly. “Oh no, I saw what you did to Pinkie! You’re staying on the ground in here.” The sloth’s limb fell impotently to the floor. Twilight grinned down at the gangly animal. “You see, I know what you are! You’re a sloth. I mean, of course Fluttershy didn’t recognize you; you’re one of those really weird obscure exotic creatures Equestrians don’t really think about.” Trotting over to her work desk, Twilight began shuffling her notes. “Fluttershy is self-taught after all. I mean, she thought buzzards are actually supposed to buzz, while that poor creature she saw actually had a debilitating and painful disease- wait, where’d you go…?” Twilight turned back, only to see an empty library floor. There was nothing there. As in, no sloth. “...How did you...?” Twilight snorted, stamping a hoof. “Now come on out! I know you couldn’t have gotten far; your kind is renowned for its laziness and stupidity! Even more so than pegasi!” There was no answer. With another annoyed stomp on the floor, Twilight lowered her head and began looking under all the tables and around some of the shelves. The library suddenly seemed far too quiet. Twilight looked behind herself impulsively. There was nothing there. She heard a creek at the stairs. She whipped back, ready to pounce. Nothing. Eye twitching slightly, she sighed before calling out into the seemingly empty library. “Okay Sloth. If you want to play hide and go seek, I’m not playing. You’ll just have to wait until I’m done with my research!” she said loudly. Another creak from the stairwell. “Sloth! I’m not kidding!” Twilight said angrily. Ears perked slightly, Twilight was on edge for a few seconds, but no other creaks came. She walked slowly back to her book, getting ready to read again, whenever... ‘Creak’ Ears twitching along with an eye, Twilight slowly swiveled in place and looked at the staircase. “Fine. So. You want to play a game, Sloth?” She slowly walked towards the staircase. “We can play a game!” she shouted, running at the staircase, eyes searching the steps for the sloth but was met with an unexpected patch of purple. “He- gah! Twilight!” Spike shouted at the sudden contact. Twilight felt the breath get knocked out of her as she tripped and flew into Spike, flying up a couple of steps, before the momentum stopped and the two began to fall back down the stairs. At the bottom, the two disentangled themselves from each other. Spike just looked at Twilight, whose hair was beginning to stick up in several places. Spike saw the warning signs. “Uh, Twilight? Are you...okay?” Spike wished fervently for a body shield. “Yes!” Twilight shouted, eyes darting around the room madly. “I’m just looking for that sloth!” Spike opened his mouth, then blinked. “...Sloth?” “Yes! Short, dumpy, weird head, always getting itself into odd places. Like you, but furry!” Spike barely missed a beat. “Okay, Twilight, I know you really like that special ‘tea’ you get from Zecora, but you need to cut back-” “Aaaargh!” Twilight growled loudly. “You aren’t helping!” Spike held up his hands. “Twilight, it’s my duty as a frie-” he started, cutting off as he spotted something behind Twilight. “Uh... Twilight. Is this sloth like, really furry? With long arms and claws and stuff?” Twilight stiffened up for a moment before nodding. “Yes?” “Right,” Spike deadpanned. “He’s on the ceiling.” Twilight’s eyes grew big before she turned to the ceiling, spotting the sloth hanging on a rafter. “THERE YOU ARE!” She shouted at the sloth, concentrating her magic to grab him. The sloth, however, had other plans. The loud noise startled him, and he let go of the rafters. Granted, slow for Twilight and Spike, but pretty fast. As gravity took over, he fell at a rate of sloth-lightspeed onto Twilight’s face. Twilight was very still for a moment before letting out an ear shattering scream. “GET IF OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!” The sloth was confused. It was moving and being shaken, but it didn’t want to let go. It was comfortable here. Spike took in the scene before him. Twilight was in full panic mode, shaking her head and bumping into the shelves and the desk in an attempt to get it off. He stared for a moment before he just burst with laughter. “Twilight, just use your magic.” “IT’S ON MY HORN!” Spike just laughed harder. “Ho-Hold still for a moment, I’ll get him off.” Twilight stopped running around, her hooves slightly jittery. “Just get it off of me!” Spike stopped laughing and slowly managed to pry the sloth off of Twilight’s face, holding him in front of him and looking at the sloth. “Happy?” he asked Twilight. “Not very. He’s still here.” Spike shrugged before putting the sloth on his shoulder. “Spike! That’s not a good idea!” “Why not?” Spike asked as the sloth adjusted itself to hang on Spike’s shoulders. “He doesn’t let go.” “Twilight, you’re over reacting. Look,” Spike said, taking off the sloth with relative ease, before putting the sloth back into the original spot on the floor. Twilight just stared before her eye twitched again. “How...” The sloth looked balefully up at the warm scaly he’d been removed from and reached out tectonically for the young dragon once more. Spike laughed as he picked the fuzzy mammal back up. “Aw, I guess he likes me!” Twilight let out a strangled noise, turning around and stomping upstairs for some Tylenol. Spike just let out a giggle and stroked the sloth before a knock at the door distracted him. * * * * Rarity stood patiently at the door, wincing as the sounds of either a very bad or a very good time thudded through the door. She placed an ear to the door as the shouts became more pronounced, and then suddenly ceased. Frowning, the unicorn tapped her hoof to the door again, waiting impatiently on the doorstep. After a few barely muffled expletives found their way through the door, it swung open, revealing a sloth-draped Spike. “What is i- Oh, Rarity! Hello!” “Hello, Spike! I was looking for Twilight, is she in?” “She’s-” Spike was interrupted by the sound of a medicine cabinet slamming shut and Twilight’s colourful language, cursing the creature’s existence. “Whoever that is, tell them to take that Celestia forsaken sloth with them!” “I’ll…take that as a no. I just stopped to see if she’d like for me take that thing off her hooves. A sloth, was it?” Spike was dumbfounded. “You want to help? No offense, but I thought you would have been the last pony to take care of him.” Rarity flipped her hair as she graciously answered, "Well, while I am most certainly an unlikely caretaker for...this thing, somepony must take it upon themselves to help him in his deplorable condition!" "What do you mean?" Spike asked. "He looks fine to me." "That's why this is my duty, dear." Rarity dryly answered. “Besides, I thought a change of wardrobe for him would get him moving and more motivated. Just because he looks…strange doesn’t mean he is undeserving of something that would make him look more dapper.” Spike blinked and inspected the sloth wrapped around his shoulders one more time, then shrugged. “Alright, fine. Twi’s probably upstairs mixing antidepressants with that special Zebra ‘tea’ again. So...I can carry him over for you?” Rarity smiled ever so thankfully. “Oh, that would be marvelous…” * * * * “Spike, thank you so very much for carrying that sloth home for me. He has taken quite the liking to you. Perhaps enough to make me jealous,” Rarity joked. Spike chuckled, removing the sloth and setting him down next to a pony mannequin. “It’s the least I can do, Rarity. I’d love to stay and help look after it for you if you’d like.” “Oh, Spikey-Wikey, that’s very sweet of you to offer, but I think Twilight may need you more given her current...state. Besides, he shouldn’t be that much trouble.” Spike’s pupils dilated at the thought of Twilight left alone for any length of time in her current mood. With a quick cursory goodbye, the dragon dropped the sloth into Rarity’s surprised telekinesis and made a dash back to the library. A good thing too, because Twilight was getting set to use the bathtub as a teapot. Rarity watched incredulously as the sloth hung beside her, slowly turning like a christmas decoration. After a few seconds, Rarity let out a final ‘tut’ and turned back to her boutique, chattering her guest. “My, my, dear Mister Sloth, we simply must put our heads together and uncover a solution to your current wardrobe malfunction! I believe a good brush and shampoo will do you the world of good! And after that we can consider trying some-” “Rarity, you’re home!” Rarity’s mouth dropped into an ever-so-slightly less pleasant smile at the sound of the high-pitched, happy squeal. “Oh, uh, hello, Sweetie Belle.” A purple-maned, orange-coated snout poked out behind Sweetie Belle’s, wreathed in an apologetic smile. “Hiya, Miss Rarity…” Rarity faltered and stopped, dropping the sloth onto a makeup table. “Oh...h-hello Scootaloo, what are you-” “Howdy Miss Rarity!” Apple Bloom’s face popped out opposite to Scootaloo’s, wearing much the same grin. Rarity’s eye started twitching hardcore. “H-hello girls. Would you mind explaining yourselves? I thought I said I would be busy this afternoon with a situation of the utmost delicacy! And please, don’t hide behind my sister you two. It’s not like you’re all stuck together at the hip.” “Uh, actually,” Sweetie Belle mumbled, “we kinda are…” “And at the shoulder,” Scootaloo added. “An’ some other parts I didn’t think Ah had…” muttered Apple Bloom. All three other ponies turned to look at Apple Bloom for a moment, which for Scootaloo was one hell of the feat. They all let out a combined “...What?” Apple Bloom failed to answer, so they continued as if it never happened. “Tree sap, correct?” Rarity asked, trudging over to a closet and pulling out a few bottles. SweetieScootaBloom bounced over too, hardly able to wait to become three, separate ponies once again. “Yep!” Sweetie chirped. “We were trying to find out what Pinkie meant when she said she was throwing a ‘private party’ for a ‘certain stallion friend’, but when we asked him…yeah.” Rarity gasped and dropped the bottle of industrial paint thinners at the news. “Pinkie actually does that?! But when I asked- Ahem, never mind that, but how did you come to be covered in tree sap in that case?” “Oh, he just so happened to have some lying around!” Scootaloo waved her hooves around annoyedly in the air, since she was currently held up by Sweetie’s anyway. “Why on earth would you have a tub of tree sap in your house!? All it does is make things sticky!” Rarity tried desperately not to let her imagination run ahead of her. The problem was that if imaginations had an Olympics, Rarity’s would have just broken the intergalactic record for a hundred meter sprint. “Uh, sis? Can we get this stuff off now?” Rarity blinked the glazed look from her eyes and focussed down on her sister+Co once again. “Oh, of course! Here you go dear. Now run along, I must help our guest in his current crisis! Now run along, the tub’s…still outside from yesterday, I believe.” “A guest?” Sweetie perked up yet again from within the CutieConglomerate. “You mean the monkey?” Rarity waved a hoof towards the inert sloth as she announced, “Ah, Sweetie, let me educate you!” “…For once…” The unicorn filly muttered. “This is, in fact, a sloth!” “So, a different type of monkey?” Scootaloo offered, slowly sliding down Sweetie’s side like an unwanted chicken nugget. “No…At least I don’t think so…Twilight really had very little to say on the matter,” Rarity admitted, “but I know what I must do! This fine gentleman sloth has clearly fallen on hard times and hasn’t had the time to take care of himself properly. I take it upon myself…to help him!” “Uh…” The Cutie Mark Hexapod shared a look, “…okay then.” Rarity huffed as she grabbed a hairbrush and turned to her task. She smirked as she lowered the brush into the long, scraggly coat, eliciting, in her mind, a happy look from the completely inert sloth. Then the moths flew out. Rarity batted at the fluttery sloth moths as they assaulted her face. “Ahhh! Moths!” Rarity batted them away with precise strikes of her brush, then stood, taking huge breaths as she stared at the sloth on the table. “My, that…how could…why, I’ve never seen anything like it.” “Oh, I know!” Sweetie Belle chirped. “Ms. Cheerilee said once that sometimes, animals have other littler animals living with them or on them. A…a-a microclimate!” She looked pleased til Apple Bloom thoughtfully asked, “So does that make me an’ Scoot part o’ your microclimate now?” “Oh please dears.” Rarity returned to the sloth, returning the brush to its coat. “That would be absolutely redicul - EEEEEK!” As the brush stroked the sloth, the coat opened up and spilled its perils upon the well-meaning unicorn. More moths, a few ants, and a large-ish pair of Amazonian tree cockroaches stormed out and onto the brush. With an unearthly shriek, Rarity spun and tried to run, but slipped and landed flat on her belly. The brush, now hovering next to the sloth’s head, slowly turned in her sputtering magic, dropping one of the cockroaches onto Rarity’s back as the sloth looked impassively on. “EEEEEEEEK!” Rarity repeated eloquently. She managed to buck from lying down, and quite powerfully, shattering the table and sending the sloth flying. Rarity managed to rid herself of the cockroach and dove for a chair, from where she watched the scene unfold. The sloth was latched onto the CutieMass, stuck fast in the resin as the three fillies screamed and ran around the room, often rolling over to allow either Scootaloo or Apple Bloom to do some running so that Sweetie Belle could adequately squeal and wave her hooves around uselessly as well. Rarity quickly interceded by throwing the bottle of thinners at the roiling mass of fur and limbs and adding her own shouts of dismay to the general ambience. Then the thinners got to work. The sloth came loose first, flying through the air and latching onto a ponnequin in the corner while the CMC worked their way to catastrophic resin failure. When they came apart, they came apart hard. Sweetie Belle got thrown straight into the kitchen, Apple Bloom nearly halfway up the stairs, taking out two showpiece dresses on the way, and Scootaloo went straight through the front door. Rarity just stood there, gawking in the sudden silence. Just then, an angel appeared, and she was Southern; “Uhh…Ya’ll need a hoof in there or what?” * * * * Applejack blinked at the natural disaster she’d just walked into. Sure, trotting down main street and having to dodge a screaming Scootaloo flying out randomly was definitely more regular than anypony might like, but Rarity squealing like a filly from a chair in the middle of her shop was a little less common. Not by much, but still. The farm mare looked around, taking in all the sights. The place was a wreck, pony forms scattered across the floor, the dresses they wore in tatters. A desk was getting a new lease on life as kindling in one corner while two fillies crawled from the wreckage at opposite ends of the room. At first, Applejack assumed this was a regular Cutie Mark Fallout, but then she spotted the sloth, slowly lowering itself to the floor in the one undamaged corner of the boutique. Rarity was staring at the critter like a beast from Tartarus. “Remove it!” She hissed. “Uh...If ya’ll say so…” Applejack walked up to the sloth, but on second thought, she reached for a window pole. “I’ll just be borrowin’ this for a little while, Rares.” ”AWAY WITH THE SLOTH!!” “Sloff? That what he’s called?” After a particularly pickled death glare from the unicorn, Applejack rather decided to focus on the Sloff. She was at a loss as to how to approach the immobile mammal. With nothing better to do, she just poked the pole under the Sloff and wriggled it about til it grabbed hold. With a mumbled goodbye, to which Rarity replied ‘TAKE IT!’, Applejack walked out. The Sloff held a good distance away from her, where it blinked back in a daze as it swung gently from the window pole. Applejack inspected it closely. She had no choice; as an earth pony, she had to hold the pole in her mouth, and so the Sloff was pretty much filling her entire field of view. Its face was hardly threatening, more of a wedge-shaped blob with fur and two liquid eyes that moved too slowly to keep track of the pony mere feet away. “Mfferr…” Applejack mumbled, unsure what to make of it. She’d only heard of how terrifying it was from Fluttershy, and then seen it pull an Awkward on Pinkie Pie, but in truth, it looked truly harmless. After all, Fluttershy was just jumpy and Pinkie would have pulled that Awkward with or without the living prop, so really the critter was the victim, right? She was so lost in thought that by the time she realized where she was, she was back on the Acres, new Sloff and all. After taking this in, she gently placed the critter in her cart, saying, “Now you just stay put ya hear? Ah gotta go buck some trees, so ya will just have to sit tight til one of the girls comes and picks ya up, okay?” The Sloff did nothing. He just sat in a basket in the cart as Applejack trundled off, cart in tow, into the trees, talking absently as she went. Applejack pulled the cart up under the first of many trees. Quickly giving in to routine, she grabbed all the baskets, tossed them under the tree, spun to deliver one powerful buck, and returned to collect the apples. Only then did she remember she had company. Spinning back to the cart, she raked it furiously for any sign of the Sloff. It wasn’t there. “Dangnabbit! How c’n anything so slow get lost so easy!” She stomped a hoof in frustration. Then she remembered how she’d placed him in a basket too. She trotted back and began rooting through the apples in their baskets, hoping both that the Sloff was there and didn’t have a concussion. She at least got the latter, because the Sloff wasn’t there. Applejack looked around hurriedly, trying to think of where the Sloff could have gone. A snap up in the boughs above her brought her eyes upwards, to where the Sloff was hanging quite contentedly on a branch, eating a few leaves slowly. Applejack raised an eyebrow, then laughed. “Oh, now don’t that make better sense! Ya’ll are tree-dwellin’ herbivores! ‘Splains the claws, kinda, and that attitude. Well, gotta say mister Sloff, that’s quite a relief. Well look, I need ta move on t’the other trees, you okay ta just stay there fer a little while?” The Sloff munched on his leaves, quite unmoving. Applejack grinned. “Well great! Ah’ll come back and getcha now. Just hang around, snrk, an maybe you an’ me can can get back ta waitin’ at the farmhouse wi’ some apples. Now don’t you move, okay?” And with that, Applejak trotted off. The sloth watched her go, and then returned to finding a suitable leaf. He crawled along the branch, nearer the end where the softer buds were, and nearer the ground. Unfortunately, his arboreal inspection was interrupted by an incessant sniffing. The grove was apparently graced with two furry occupants now, but that’s where the similarity ended. Winona almost instantly saw the sloth hanging a few meters above the ground. The sloth saw nothing, as he had slipped into a doze. Winona hunkered down and barked, grinning like only Winona could, tail going crazy. The sloth snoozed on. From across the orchard, Applejack was heard. “Winona? Oh no, Mister Sloff, Ah hope yer high up!” He wasn’t. Winona, getting no response, leapt forward, yapping excitedly. She leapt for the branch, trying to grab the sloth, but failing. She tried again, and again, no closer to succeeding. The gears turned in her head as she traced the branch to its tip, much lower to the ground. Just within reach, in fact. “Winona! Stay away from that there Sloff!” Winona failed to listen. She relocated, wiggled into a good position and leapt, just as Applejack jumped to tackle the collie. Applejack got a mouthful of dirt, while Winona got a mouthful of branch. One was happy, one was frustrated. Care to guess which? And the sloth finally awoke. Applejack growled at her dog. “Aw, Winona! Git yerself down from there! Not like you can do much anyway!” When the dog failed to let go, Applejack frowned. “Fine, we’re doin’ this the hard way!’ She jumped forward and bit the wagging tail. Winona hung on gamely as the farm pony began to pull. “Leggo!” Applejack mumbled through the mouthful of hair. Winona, though, was enjoying the novel experience of being the rope in this tug of war, and hung gamely on. Applejack growled and pulled some more. The branch was hauled lower. In that final moment, the sloth released with one claw and reached out towards Applejack. When she looked up and saw the branch bent down like a bow, the cold grip of realization hit her like a sledgehammer. At that moment, Winona got bored. The dog released, and the branch whipped upwards at sloth lightspeed, taking the sloth with it until, his grip already compromised, he and the branch parted ways. Applejack watched in horror as Sloff the sloth arced up into the air, past the clouds and out of sight. “Well...ponyfeathers…” * * * * The clouds tickled Rainbow Dash’s sides as she barrel rolled through the growing cumulus spires shooting up from the cloud mass her weather team had been working on for most of the morning. She’d finished her section in the updraft sector early enough to have time spare to try and get an update on that creepy-as-hell clawed thingy Fluttershy had found. But Fluttershy was busy giving her bear a psych evaluation, it sounded like there was a waterfall going on in Sugarcube corner, Rarity was trying to get the crusaders unstuck from various parts of her house, and Twilight had been...less than responsive. In fact, Spike had been helping the bombed unicorn relocate gravity when she’d popped in. She’d grabbed something off the table and popped right back out when Twilight started walking on the ceiling. Either way, she gave up after that. She decided it was time to fly on home and read that latest book she’d... acquired from Twilight’s desk. Landing on her cloud porch, Rainbow Dash kept the slightly ratty copy of ‘Fifty Grains of Hay’ under her wing to protect it from the moisture of the clouds. Once she was inside, a small overdose of pegasus magic kept everything pretty dry and solid, and the carpets she’d gotten laid for Tank were more than good enough resting place for the book as she casually dropped it on her way to the kitchen. As she passed one of the many, many hall windows, she paused, her acute hearing picking up a faint whistling noise in the distance. Probably just another pegasus that spun out and was tumbling to a horrifying crash. Rainbow Dash shrugged and went to make a sandwich. When she returned, there was a sloth in her living room. “Holy Celestia’s nuts!’ Rainbow Dash shouted, her sandwich flyin away in her shock and becoming embedded in one of the walls, “What the actual BUCK are you doing in my house?!” The sloth, dazed and confused, failed to answer. It sat there in the crater of carpets and cloud, staring at the blue pony fluttering about in front of him. “Well?! Talk, buster!” The sloth’s comprehension was questionable. Rainbow Dash watched as the sloth slowly crawled across the floor. Rainbow Dash kicked up the book and held it, ready to defend herself. The sloth, though, was focused. He reached the wall just below where Rainbow’s sandwich had met its fate, and began munching on a fallen lettuce leaf. Dash lowered the weaponized smut, “Huh. you’re just lost, aintcha?” The sloth munched on. “I’ll just take you not answering as a yes, then?” Dash offered. Munch munch. “Well.. okay then.” Dash sat down on her carpet. The sloth failed to show interest. “Uhh...You want some more lettuce with your lettuce? I got plenty in the icebox?” Munch munch. “Right, more lettuce coming right up!” Dash flew into her kitchen, corralled a lettuce and dropped it in front of her unexpected guest before the sloth could even blink. ...not that that was much of an achievement. “Err...So, Spike told me you’re a ‘sloth’, huh?” The sloth’s eyes lit up like candles seen from three miles away in a heavy fog. He pounced viciously upon the lettuce, an act that took upwards of a minute. Rainbow Dash watched in bemusement and slightly lessening patience. “Soooo...what’s it like in Slothsville this time of year?” she joked. For the first time, the sloth reacted. It turned and looked at the pegasus a few feet away, shuffling awkwardly in the presence of her exact antithesis. Dash laughed a little nervously and backed up. She tried to figure out what it was the sloth was looking at. “Oh, you looking at my mane?” She tried, “Yeah, it’s pretty cool isn’t it?” The sloth blinked. “W-well, sure, I guess it has its downsides…” Dash mumbled, rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof. The sloth continued looking at her balefully. “Uhh...If you’re wondering if it reflects on my sexuality, it totally doesn’t.” Dash attempted. A blink was her only reply. “Hey!” She shouted crossly, “I’m not sexually ambiguous, okay? I’m a perfectly straight bi, and gay on tuesdays!” She crossed her hooves and plumphed into the carpet, then added, “And if Pinkie starts throwing more private parties. Maybe.” The sloth merely stared. Rainbow Dash slumped, sighing, “Yeah, I...I guess it’s bugged me over the years, and affected my outlook on life a bit, y’know?” The sloth blinked. Dash stared back in confusion, then gasped, “Whoa, you think my personality is me making up for the fact that my mother was a prostitute and my father weak-willed and detached parent?” The sloth stared intently. “Wow…” Dash marveled, “You’re deep dude.” She fiddled with her hooves for a moment, the sloth watching on. “Do you…” Dash started, voice husky, “Do you think my father will forgive me for starting that meth lab in the basement?” The sloth blinked. “Hey! I-I closed that lab down, okay? And I did my community service!” The sloth slowly turned around, looking at all the clouds about him. “Um...okay, you got me,” Dash muttered, “I-I used some of the money to build this place, alright? I needed to get back on my hooves after my dad chucked me out. Best thing he ever did, I guess.” The sloth returned its gaze to Dash. It blinked in confusion. Dash sniffled and wiped her nose against her hoof, “You-You think he’ll forgive me? I-if I fly over there right now and just...lay it all out?” The sloth remained perfectly impassive. Dash blinked. “You’re...you’re right! I should fly over there right now, and dismantle that lab I set up behind Zecora’s tea crop on the way! Thanks dude, you’re the best sloth ever!” Rainbow Dash tackle-hugged the sloth before holding him up in her forehooves, “You know what? I’mma do you a favour: I’ll take you groundside. Hmm… Flutters is too far, but maybe if I drop you off and point you the way?” The sloth hung limply, doing nothing. “Great!” Dash crowed, zipping out through a window. * * * * The sloth lethargically grabbed the branch in the tree the pegasus dropped him into. As he wrapped his claws around the thick branch, Rainbow Dash watched him skeptically. ‘Well, I guess if you like just ‘hanging around’, you should be good here. So just go thataway and you should be fine, okay?” The sloth failed to respond, as he was still coming to grips with the branch. Dash grinned, shouted goodbye and took off, humming a tune as loudly as she could as she spiralled off into the Everfree. The sloth was left alone hanging in the tree. He blinked deliberately, drinking in his surroundings. The sounds of birdsong filtered back after the noisy pegasus’ farewell. He saw the colours of the trees and...LEAVES! He raced forward at a full one mile an hour, to reach the succulent snack. In his dangerous haste, he made a critical mistake. He reached forward and grasped the brown thin-ish thing in front of him and let go with his other claw, only to realize the thing he’d grabbed was his other claw. Suddenly without any kind of support at all, he fell from the tree. Again. But he didn't hit the ground. Instead he was caught. The lion's paw held him easily while the eagle’s claw tipped his chin up to look straight into the mismatched gold-rimmed red eyes above him. “Oh-ho, so I finally found you! My my, little friend, but have you been busy! Why don’t you come with me? There’s a certain white alicorn who is...in need of you skills.” The sloth blinked as he was borne off into the clouds once again. He hung there, silent and unresponsive, as a vast complex of towers and minarets in white marble leaned out in splendour from the mountainside, one thought going through his head; ’Wait...so...what’s happening again…?’