//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Evil Aspirations // by airbournesquid //------------------------------// Sometimes Ahuizotl questioned whether or not he was in the right business. He'd hatched dozens of evil plans, scores of treacherous plots and spent the majority of his weekends scheming. And you know what? Not one of them had succeeded. It was like fate had it out for him. Seriously, since when does a group of six untrained mares and one explorer manage to kick the flanks of not only hired thugs, but an entire tribe of murderous savages, a deranged archaeologist and a troop of flesh-eating jungle cats? Lady Luck had made a habit of pissing on his bonfire, and you know what? He'd had enough. That was it. He was done. Finished. Terminado. A line had been crossed when he'd stuck Daring Doo to a wall, filled the room with a steadily rising amount of water (complete with piranhas, of course) only to find out that she'd escaped unscathed not even a minute later. In fact, that wasn't even the worst of it. He'd once strapped her to a table in the middle of a chamber slowly being filled with sand whilst the spike adorned walls slowly crept inwards to crush her. Heck, he'd even threw in a couple of snakes just to be sure. Bloody snakes! Who the hell escapes from that? With a broken wing, no less! Did Daring Doo have any idea how much it cost to kill a pony like that? The least she could do was show a little respect, but no, she just had to write an entire feakin' series of novels depicting his failures. Because y'know, selling all of those priceless, thousand-year old artefacts she collected to museums didn't bag her nearly enough bits to get by on alone. Ahuizotl sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily. He was just so tired. Tired of working non-stop throughout the week, only to have his hard work demolished and desecrated by the same lousy Pegasus. Tired of spending hours on end perfecting his evil laugh but having so few chances to use it. Tired of raising tigers and leopards from birth, bonding with them and even going as far as to call some of them his friends, just so he could see their jaws broken and their bones cracked by the fearsome buck of Daring Doo... He sunk deeper into his flower-patterned recliner, drinking in the sight of his ancient home, dusty from disuse. It was the standard Evil-Jungle-King affair. Stone, moss-covered walls, foreboding carvings and statues, and architecture akin to the abandoned temples that he was so used to pillaging. The building's age made all of Ahuizotl's little additions seem all the more out of place; A fridge filled with an assortment of meats and vegetables, a couch which could only be described as 'worn' sitting in front of a yellowing projector screen, an assortment of DIY shelves stacked with an assortment of crime novellas and adventure stories, including the entire Daring Doo series (As much as he loathed her, he had to admit that Daring Doo told a pretty good story), and a pair of cat litter trays tucked away into the corner. As you may have come to expect, Ahuizotl was a cat person. When you lived in a place as old and derelict as he did, pets were more-or-less a requirement lest you wished to succumb to the crushing, soul-destroying loneliness. "Meow." Ahuizotl startled slightly as the small bundle of white fur beside him made itself known. He glared at the cat, its big, watery blue eyes staring back at him expectantly. "Winston!" he growled, scooping up the little ball fuzz and dangling him in front of his face. "What did I tell you about sneaking up on me like that?" Winston, a miniscule white kitten who pretty much defined the word 'daaaw', tilted his head to the side, prying at Ahuizotl with his questioning stare. "Meow?" With a sigh, Ahuizotl set the kitten down neatly upon the arm of his recliner. "I know, I know, sorry. It's just that today's been a mite more... Stressful than usual." Winston kneaded his claws through the arm of the recliner, shuffling himself into a more comfortable position. "Meow meow? Meow." "No, not anything like that, I just..." another sigh. "Winston, do you think I'm evil enough?" A glimmer of doubt glimmered across Winston's eyes. It only lasted a second, but Ahuizotl caught it nonetheless. Winston made an awkward coughing noise, as if clearing his throat. "M-meoooow, meow meow!" Ahuizotl deflated further into his recliner, suddenly desperate to escape the world and everyone on it. "I can tell when you're lying, y'know," he said dejectedly. "Now come, tell me truly, am. I. Evil. Enough?" Winston cast his head to the side. "Meow." he said sadly, damning Ahuizotl's ambitions with one, simple word. "I knew it." he spat in reply, sealing his eyes shut with the intention of never opening them again. Normally, in a situation such as this, Ahuizotl would find somewhere nice and secluded where he could weep himself into oblivion, but what was the point now? The only one who could see his tears already thought- no- knew he was a complete and utter failure anyways. The tears ran freely down his face. What would his parents say if they could see him now? His mother had been one of the most infamous villains in the world, and his father- well, his father had been a watchmaker- but still! Things were to be expected of him. He was supposed to be the incarnation of evil, the dark figure who stalked the nightmares of children, an evil overlord! Instead he turned out to be nothing more than a pushover with a funny accent... And now he was crying. How pathetic. Winston slunk from the arm of the recliner and made his way towards the fridge. A second later he returned, one bottle of beer held between the crook of his leg, and a second in his mouth. Ahuizotl lightly smiled at the little cat, graciously accepting one of the bottles. When all of his plans failed, he always had a backup one up his sleeve, in this case: screw it all and get drunk. "Meow meow *hic* meoooow." "T-that's not true!" slurred Ahuizotl. "She's... She's more of a business associate." Winston responded with an over-exemplified kissy face, eliciting a small, frustrated groan from Ahuizotl. "It's not like that at all!" he barked. "Daring Doo and I... Well, she's my arch nemesis, the mongoose to my snake, where would you even get an idea like that?" "Meow meow meow meow..." meowed Winston knowingly. "How did you- I keep those Daring Doo books for analytical purposes, analytical!" Winston made the cat equivalent of a sigh, stretching himself out across the floor. Ahuizotl was laid out on the sofa, the projector next to it playing Cassaflanka, Ahuizotl's favourite movie. Watching it together had become something of a ritual between The Villain and his cat. In fact, Ahuizotl was pretty sure that he could recite the entire thing by heart. Winston could too, of course, but it wasn't nearly as impressive coming from him as it always came out as an incomprehensible cluster of 'meow's. "Meow meow?" "What's next? What do you mean what's next?I come up with a new dastardly plan, Daring Doo stops me, and I go sit in a corner and cry *hic*, rinse, lather and repeat, Winston." To Ahuizotl's surprise, Winston leapt onto his chest, reached out and slapped him across the face. "Meow meow meow meow *hic* meow!" "Well what else do you expect me to do?" growled Ahuizotl, rubbing his stinging cheek. "It's pretty much the standard villain procedure!" "Meow meow..." said Winston, scratching his chin in thought. "Meow, meow meow?" Ahuizotl frowned. "I don't need any h-*hic* help... Besides, villains don't 'team up'." Winston knew that that wasn't the case at all, Ahuizotl was just afraid of socialising. Not to push the point, but he did own over a dozen cats. It didn't take a genius to tell that he didn't get out much. "Meow meoooow," cooed Winston, tilting his head to the side and hit Ahuizotl with the cutest stare that he could muster. "Oh come on, don't be like tha-" "Meoooow!" Winston's eyes seemed to grow larger, and for a moment Ahuizotl feared that he might actually drown in those two pools of adorable-ness. "S-stop doing that, you know I hate it when you-" "Meeeoooooooooooo-" "FINE!" snapped Ahuizotl, upstarting with a huff and stumbling drunkenly over to the phone. "If you really think that this will work, which it won't, then fine, I'll do it, if only to stop you from pestering me!" Chrysalis was having a bad day. The sunlight came through the stained glass windows of the palace in bars of red and green, illuminating the ornate yellow stonework of the throne room. engravings littered the walls, some of great battles from generations past, and others of changelings circled around a fire, frozen mid-dance. The walls and pillars were dotted with rubies which glittered in the afternoon light, and two great statues of the gods rose above her head, the tips of their drawn swords almost scraping the ceiling. Their stone blades met above her throne, which had been moulded out of lustrous gold and studded with emeralds. The beauty of the changeling palace had inspired a great many songs from her loyal bards and was talked about with great wonder all through the land. She would have taken the time to appreciate such fine surroundings- as she did every other day- If she wasn't so. Damned. Bored. Lord Tylek paced ack and forth in front of her, the cluster of golden earrings that adorned his left ear jingling with each step. A ring of silver hung around his right nostril, and carvings telling of his family's exploits snaked across his chitin. She had no doubt that the carvings across his black hide could be accredited to a professional, judging by their expertise. The engraving around the base of his horn told of his marriage to Lady Illowyn. Chrysalis pitied the poor girl. 'How can somechangeling look so interesting but be so bloody boring?' "And that is why, my Queen, erecting another statue in your honour would prove... less than beneficial." Tylek finished. 'And he wants me to stop making statue of myself. I like statues of myself.' "Lord Tylek-"she punctuated her sentence with a yawn. "-What do you think gives you the right to tell me what to do with my riches?" Tylek sputtered. "B-but it's not yours, those riches belong to the realm! Surely you realise how dire a state our economy is-" "I realise, Lord Tylek, and I care," she lied. "But alas, there are more dire needs that require funding!" "Like another statue of you?" Tylek deadpanned. "Exactly! Now, I want you to-" *Ring ring* The Tylek, Chrysalis and her guards all jumped at the sudden ringing of a phone. All eyes turned to the strangely out-of-place, cherry red telephone that Chrysalis kept next to her throne. "Ah, hold that thought," said Chrysalis, plucking up the phone and placing an ear to the receiver. "Azzie? Azzie, darling!" The guards and court members who filled the throne room went slack jawed, staring at their normally brutal Queen in disbelief. "Oh it's been too long! How are things, that nasty little Pegasus hasn't been mistreating you again, has she?" she giggled into her hoof. "Come now, I was only joking... What's this, a get-together you say? Ooohohohohoh how delightful, I'll bring snacks! Just give me the time and place and I'll be there." She muttered a quick goodbye (sealed with a loving 'mwah') before slamming the phone down. Her expression turned from motherly to stone-cold in an instant. "This hearing is over," she stated plainly. "Lord Tylek, we shall continue this discussion at a later date." "B-but the funds-" he stammered. "-Can wait." finished Chysalis before turning to her head servant. "I want an envoy of our finest knights ready within the hour, we head for Equestria at noon." she said with the upmost seriousness. "Oh, and bring snack-foods." "... Snack-foods, my Queen?" "Yes, preferably pizza rolls, or those little triangle chip things with the salsa sauce. I like those." "Uhh, at once your highness!" said the servant before rushing off to the palace kitchens. Discord picked idly at his teeth, trying and failing to remove a particularly stubborn scrap of lettuce. Across the table Blueblood was whining about... Something or the other, whilst Celestia and Luna sat next to him, barely containing their giggles. He wondered how long it would take the Prince to notice that he'd turned his mane purple... In all honesty, he was bored. Really bored. Nothing interesting ever seemed to happen in Canterlot Castle, and why should it? It was a castle, and castles practically reeked of boringly boring boringness. The architecture was blocky and boring, the colours varied from boring old white to boring old gold, and residents- he spared a slightly annoyed glance at blueblood- simply radiated boredom. Did he mention that he was bored? With a subtle lift of a claw, Blueblood's horn shimmered and changed into an antler, whilst the tip of his nose began to glow slightly. Celestia made a piggish snort before clapping a hoof to her mouth to stop herself from busting out in laughter. The Prince spared her a curious glance before returning to his rant. Discord despised being a guest at these 'family dinners', but alas, Celestia had more or less demanded his presence, and whatever Celestia says, goes (she'd made that very clear when she'd released him). Personally, Discord liked to think that she had him tag along to brighten the mood a little. Goodness knows things needed some livening up around here, after all. He plucked a banana from the fruit bowl and eyed it wearily. If he could've, he would given it arms, legs, a mind of its own and the name Steve, but sadly, Celestia put some major restrictions on his chaos magic whenever he was within Canterlot Palace. 'With a few exceptions, of course.' he thought to himself as he looked up at the red-nosed, antler-toting, purple-maned prince still prattling on obliviously. Suddenly, the banana began to ring. Ack, didn't he turn the blasted thing off? He loathed getting calls over dinner. "Discord... Why is thine banana is ringing?" asked Luna curiously. "Bah, probably one of those over-the-banana salesmen trying to hawk me some car insurance, I try to tell them I'm not interested, but they never listen!" "What's 'car insur-'" Discord cut Luna off with a 'ssh' before raising the banana to his ear. "Whatever you're selling I'm not interested." ... "Ah, apologies my dear feline friend, I mistook for somepony else!" ... "What do you mean 'who else calls me'? I'll have you know that I'm the epitome of popularity!" ... "Really? Ooohohohohoh I'd be delighted!" sand Discord giddily. Celestia and Luna exchanged worried glances. If something 'delighted' Discord, then chances were it wasn't good. "Righty-oh, I'll be there!" he said excitedly before stripping back the banana's peel and taking a bite out of it. He tossed the remains onto the floor, where they burst into purple flames. "Discord," said Luna. "What on earth was-" "Sorry, can't talk now, I have an oversized blue dog-cat-monkey villain to meet, ta-ta!" he snapped his fingers and disappeared with a pop, leaving the two alicorn princesses and their nephew staring dumbfounded at his now empty seat. "Auntie," said Blueblood finally. "Why do I have an antler?" *Ring ring* "SNRRK CHRYSSSSTAAAAAAALS!"