Arcane Star abruptly awoke in his tent as something or someone unceremoniously burst through the entrance and fell on him. After the initial disorientation of having been asleep mere seconds ago wore off, the unicorn scientist looked around. The darkness outside the open flap of his tent indicated it was still the middle of the night or very early in the morning.
His more immediate concern, though, was the tent’s intruder: a small, purple, scaly lizard-like creature. The presence of such a thing in his tent would have caused Arcane Star quite a bit of panic if said creature hadn’t been frantically rambling at a mile a minute.
“QuickquickyougottahelpmeTwilightwasgoneandIwenttogoseewhereshewentandshewasattheshipandshewasmessingwiththecomputerandthehelmetandsuddenlysomethinghappenedandIdon’tknowwheresheisandshemightbehurtand…”
Arcane Star then remembered the small reptile as Ms. Twilight Sparkle’s baby dragon assistant named… Sharp? Prick? He couldn’t quite remember.
“Whoa, whoa. Calm down little guy. Take a breath,” Arcane Star said gently. The baby dragon stopped his frantic rant and took a single slow breath. “Now, tell me what happened. Slowly.”
Arcane Star noticed the poor kid had tears in his eyes as he answered, “Twilight’s gone!”
“Okay… define ‘gone.’”
The bleak box canyon remained still and silent as the cobalt soldier and purple pony stared at each other in bewilderment from their respective spots on top of the base and down on the ground. Once Twilight Sparkle had gotten over her initial shock at seeing a living bipedal alien in the flesh (assuming of course, that it even had flesh), she realized that she could understand the (admittedly vulgar) words it had just uttered. She wasn’t sure how it was possible that an alien being from another planet spoke the same language commonly spoken across Equestria, but decided that it didn’t matter. If she was able to understand it, then logic dictated that it should be able to understand her.
“Um… hello?” It took all of Twilight Sparkle’s resolve to project her voice loud enough for it to reach the armored creature standing on top of the small concrete structure. “Can you understand me?”
“What the fuck, it talks?” was the thing’s uncouth reply. This was certainly not how Twilight expected first contact with an alien race would go, but regardless the little unicorn pushed onward.
“Yes, and I need help!” Twilight took another step forward on her good leg, but this only caused the cobalt alien to raise the long metal pole in his hands at her again.
“Hey! Not another step closer! I mean it! I will use this sniper rifle!”
“Yeah! You’d better do what he says...” another voice called out, as another alien wearing some sort of teal/cyan/aqua armor appeared beside the cobalt one. “... or else Church might shoot the air around you!”
“Hey, shut up! Nobody asked for your input!” The cobalt soldier that the teal one called “Church” turned to face his companion.
The aqua soldier, however, looked right past Church at the small unicorn on the ground below. “Wait, what the hell is that?”
“How the fuck would I know, dude?”
“My name is Twilight Sparkle! I’m pretty sure I’m not on my planet anymore, and I think my leg is broken! Can you lend me some assistance? Please?”
The cobalt soldier apparently called Church returned to pointing his weapon at Twilight. “An alien, huh? Well, guess what? This is a secure military facility and we’re not exactly on good terms with the aliens right now, so BEAT IT!”
Twilight gave the alien a skeptical stare. The building sure looked small for a military facility, and the soldiers operating it definitely weren’t displaying proper military decorum, at least as far as she knew from what her brother had told her about his time in the Royal Guard. Regardless, these people appeared to be the only ones in this box canyon that could help her.
“Please! If you help me now, I’ll consider it an act of goodwill between our two societies!” Twilight gave her best diplomatic smile.
The aqua and cobalt aliens turned to each other and silently (but not indiscriminately) discussed the various pros and cons of helping a small, purple alien horse. Eventually, Church turned back to face Twilight Sparkle.
“Okay! Here’s what’s gonna happen: We’re going to bring you into our base and have our medic take a look at your leg…”
“Wait, are you sure that’s a good idea?” the aqua one asked.
“Are you sure I care?” was Church’s reply before turning back to address Twilight, “After that... we’ll see.”
“Okay!” Twilight called out. It didn’t sound particularly promising, but it was a start.
“Just wait there. We’re sending a man to, uh… escort you!” With that, Church and his aqua companion disappeared from view.
Twilight sat on the ground and waited, keeping weight off of her throbbing right foreleg. Despite the fact that she was lost in an unfamiliar world, a sense of excitement rose up inside her at the idea of talking to real, living aliens. She remembered spending countless nights as a filly staring up at the night sky through her father’s telescope, absolutely enamored with the idea of life beyond the stars. Even well into adulthood, Twilight would dream of meeting and maybe even befriending an alien being.
She couldn’t quite hide the giddy smile on her face as she watched the small concrete structure, waiting for the alien ambassador that… ‘Church’ person had said would be coming. A few minutes passed though, and Twilight’s grin of anticipation began to disappear as no movement came from the small alien structure. Right when she was about to wonder if she should just walk up there herself, she heard footsteps behind her.
“Hello!” a pleasant, high-pitched and generally goofy voice greeted from directly behind her. Twilight yelped in surprise and whirled around. She found herself looking up at another armored biped. This one was wearing ordinary blue armor and was holding a smaller, yet similar weapon to the one Church had.
“I am Caboose!”
Twilight rapidly shook her head to clear it of the shock. “Wha… how did you get behind me?”
“The same way I go in front of people: I walked!” the blue soldier’s funny, child-like voice and casual disregard for logic reminded Twilight of Pinkie Pie.
The thought of her hyperactive pink friend suddenly made Twilight forget about the excitement of meeting aliens as she thought of her friends back home. As she and the blue alien that introduced himself as Caboose began to make their way towards the base, Twilight hoped she would find a way back to Equestria soon. Twilight could only imagine how worried they’d all be when they found out she was gone.
Spike anxiously shifted his weight between each foot as he stood outside Dodge City’s main inn in the light of the early morning sun. The baby dragon kept glancing over to Rarity and the other four mares beside him, afraid if he took his eyes off of them for too long they would disappear too.
As soon as Spike told the head researcher at the crash site what had happened to Twilight, the unicorn stallion wasted no time in getting a message to Canterlot requesting a sky chariot be sent to take himself and the rest of Twilight’s friends to the capital, posthaste! It was times like this that Spike was glad he had his own endless supply of dragonfire for instantaneous communication.
After sending out the message, Spike immediately ran into town and into the inn to rouse the rest of Twilight’s friends and let them know what happened. Rarity and Fluttershy had both wasted no time in smothering the little dragon with sympathetic affection as soon as they learned of the situation. Even now, Spike didn’t miss the occasional concerned glances the mares sent his way. He also didn’t miss just how uneasy they all looked as well. Nopony had said a word since they lined up outside the inn to await the sky chariot’s arrival.
Even Pinkie Pie was acting more subdued than what was normal for her. On top of that, Spike noticed the pink mare’s ears perk up on more than one occasion. Occasionally, she would look around in every direction. Spike wasn’t sure what she was looking for, or who she was muttering to under her breath.
Soon, the central street of Dodge City began getting more active as ponies stepped out of their homes and shops started to open.
“Ah! There you are!” Twilight’s friends all turned at the sound of the voice and saw Arcane Star briskly trotting towards them. “I was afraid for a moment that you’d already be gone!”
Without the white lab coat the tan stallion ordinarily wore, his cutie mark consisting of a constellation of stars partially obscured by a lens was visible. He gave a sympathetic look in Spike’s direction as he reached them.
“Hello, Prick! How have you been holding up?”
Spike gave Arcane Star a quizzical look. “Fine, I guess. What did you just call me?”
“Any word on Twilight, Mr. Star?” Rarity asked. She either failed to notice Spike and Arcane Star’s exchange or chose to ignore it.
The hopeful look on Rarity’s face only caused Arcane Star to frown and look away. “No, but my ponies are working hard to find something, anything about your friend’s whereabouts.”
The unicorn stallion returned his gaze to Rarity and the others to give them a sincere look. “I just wanted to come by and give you all my deepest sympathies. I… can’t help but feel a little responsible for Ms. Sparkle’s current predicament, and…”
“Oh, nonsense darling!”
Applejack stepped up beside Rarity. “Ain’t no way you or the Princess coulda known what would happen. And blamin’ yerself ain’t helping Twilight none, either!”
Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both nodded their agreements.
“Besides, it was Twilight’s own stupid decision to go poking around in that alien ship all by herself anyways,” Spike said glumly.
Arcane Star gave a solemn nod. “Yes, I suppose Ms. Sparkle and I are kindred spirits in that regard. I’ve always been enamored with the idea of space and extraterrestrial life ever since I got my cutie mark…”
“HEY! It’s you again!” a high pitched squeal interrupted the ponies’ conversation. The group looked over to the source of the noise to see a small filly running up to them.
The light blue, blonde-maned foal immediately approached Pinkie Pie, and her friends all recognized her as the same filly that had so meticulously greeted each of them when they got off the train the other day.
“Can we play the ‘gobble me up’ game again?” the little filly asked Pinkie with an irresistible look on her face.
“Hey Bright Side! What have I told you about bothering strangers?” a mare’s voice scolded.
A mare with a white coat and a blonde mane adorned in the golden armor of the Royal Guard approached the gathered ponies after the tiny blue filly.
“Oh, hello Sunny Side!” Arcane Star greeted the guard mare.
“Hey, I didn’t see you there, Arcane Star.” Sunny smiled at the unicorn researcher before turning to address the rest of the group, “I’m sorry if my little sister’s been bothering you.”
“She’s not a bother at all! In fact we were just about to play our game!” Pinkie Pie happily exclaimed. Suddenly, something changed about the pink mare’s demeanor. The happy, playful look on her face changed to a far more unsettling one. Her brows lowered to partially conceal her eyes and her formerly happy smile became far more sinister.
“Yes… ‘gobble you up,’ was it? I’ll gobble you up once I’ve chopped your body into a dozen pieces and baked those pieces into a whole new flavor of pie: OBLIVION FLAVOR! AAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
The silence that followed was malleable. The few townsfolk that were out and about at the early hour stopped what they were doing to stare in the direction of the pink pony and those in her company.
“Wow… that was weird even for you, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said, staring blankly at her friend as Fluttershy took a few nervous steps back.
For her part, Pinkie no longer had a maniacal look on her face. Instead, she looked around frantically with the expression of someone lost and confused.
“... okay... I think it’s time to get you to school.” Sunny put a hoof around her sister and swiftly pulled the deathly quiet filly away from Pinkie. “See you at the crash site, Arcane Star.”
Arcane Star simply nodded as Sunny and her little sister passed. A few more awkwardly silent moments went by before life entered the town again and an air of normalcy resumed. Arcane Star gave a quick shake of his head.
“Right… like I was saying, don’t worry too much about Twilight Sparkle,” Arcane Star said as Spike looked off into the distance. He could see the shape of the sky chariot from Canterlot growing bigger over the horizon.
“I’m sure that wherever she is, she’s doing fine…”
The box canyon was no more scenic from on top of Blue Base than it was anywhere else. From her slightly elevated position on top of the round concrete structure, Twilight Sparkle thought she could see what appeared to be an identical base way on the other side of the canyon. Apart from that, the canyon was nothing but grass, dirt, rocks and the occasional tree.
The base itself was not much to look at either. Gray concrete made up the roof Twilight and the armored bipeds stood on. A large square hole occupied the center of the roof where Twilight could see down into the base proper. The room below was nothing but more gray walls and a gray floor. She could only imagine what Rarity would say about the decor were she here.
Twilight drew her attention away from her incredibly dull surroundings as Church walked up one of the ramps to the roof where she waited with the aqua armored alien and the one in blue armor that escorted her here (Caboose, if she remembered correctly). Twilight suppressed a squee: this was it! She was going to have her first official meeting with the aliens! Twilight then noticed another alien soldier was with Church. This one was wearing purple armor and had a red cross insignia on his shoulder pads. Instead of carrying a weapon similar to the ones the others always carried around, this one had a small, blue, metal object that slightly resembled a “C.”
“Okay, Twilight... Sparkle is it?” Church asked with clear trepidation in his voice. Twilight nodded in affirmation.
“And I thought Caboose was a dumb name…”
Twilight just pretended she hadn’t heard what the aqua alien muttered, and apparently so did Caboose as the blue soldier gave no response.
“This is our medic: Doc,” Church gestured to the purple armored soldier.
“Hi there!” Doc greeted in an incredibly friendly voice that greatly clashed with Church’s harsh tone.
“While Doc’s looking at your leg, I wanna ask you some questions.”
Doc raised the small metal device at Twilight Sparkle and the end of it started to glow a bright green.
“What’s that?” Twilight asked, averting her eyes from the bright green ball of light.
“This is my all-purpose medical scanner! I’m just taking an X-ray so I can see what the problem is,” Doc explained.
“X-rays? Should I be worried about radiation?” Twilight asked.
“Nah, don’t worry, this thing hasn’t given any of my patients cancer for almost a year!”
Twilight gave an uneasy blink.
“So I guess we should proceed with introductions,” Church cleared his throat, “I am Commander Leonard Church. I’m the leader.”
“What? Don’t listen to him. He’s not a Commander. He’s just the guy who decided he was the leader after our actual leader died!” the aqua soldier explained.
“Right, and our resident lady-killer over here is Tucker,” Church introduced, moving his head in the aqua soldier’s direction.
“Wassup?” Tucker cooly greeted.
Twilight missed the note of sarcasm in Church’s voice and stared at Tucker uneasily. “You… kill ladies?”
“No, don’t be stupid! I don’t kill ladies...” Tucker explained. Twilight sighed in relief, realizing with a bit of embarrassment that the term “lady-killer” wasn’t literal. “Unless if by ‘kill them’ you mean give them screaming org…”
“AAAAAND you’ve already met Caboose, our resident team-killer,” Church said. Twilight noticed he was very quick to cut off whatever Tucker was going to say next.
“Well it’s very nice to meet yo- HEY!” Caboose, however, was very quick to cut off himself. “That time with the tank was an accident!”
“Yeah, letting you drive the tank was the biggest accident of my career…” Church said before turning back to address Twilight. “Together we make up Blue Team. Okay, you’ve met us. Now who or what are you?”
“Well, I’m a unicorn pony from the nation of Equestria, and…”
“Wait wait wait, did I just hear the word unicorn?” Tucker asked in disbelief. “As in the fairy tale creatures that chicks love? Twilight, you’d make an awesome wingman! I am so taking you with me the next time I go to a club!”
“So, are we the first humans you’ve made contact with?” Church asked.
So they were called humans. “Yep! I’m pretty sure this is the first time our two species have even met!” Twilight exclaimed, almost swooning at the thought of being the first pony to make contact with an alien race. Even if the aliens themselves were turning out to be a little… blunt for her tastes.
“Great. Just great. So we just made contact with a new alien race, and the first thing you did was shoot at it,” Tucker said, shaking his head at Church. “Nice one Church. Way to represent humanity.”
“Tucker as I recall, your method of first contact with the last alien we met was to have sex with it!” Church pointed out.
“WHAT?!” Twilight’s tail instinctively hugged the space between her legs.
“That was one time! And he came on to me, okay?” Tucker said defensively. “Bastard left as soon as he found out I was pregnant! Hasn’t even sent me one Goddamn support check!”
Now Twilight was just confused. She assumed that Tucker was a male based on his voice. Did the males of this species carry their young, like seaponies?
“Hey guys, I’m done with my scan of Twilight’s bones,” Doc said, lowering his scanner. The bright green glow disappeared almost immediately. Twilight did her best to forget the confusing and disturbing conversation on the topic of xenophilia and instead focused her attention on Doc.
“I have the X-rays loaded up on my HUD now and good news: It looks like the bone isn’t broken! It’s just dislocated: all I have to do is pop it back into place!”
Twilight sighed in relief. She wasn’t looking forward to having to find a way back to Equestria with a broken leg. Doc knelt down beside her and took her left foreleg in his hands, which was weird because…
“Okay, this is going to hurt a bit but don’t worry: I’m a professional,” Doc said.
“Uh, Doc? That’s not…” before Twilight could finish, a terrible snapping noise accompanied by sharp pain shooting through her left foreleg caused her to cry out in agony. “OW! THE RIGHT LEG! THE RIGHT LEG IS DISLOCATED, NOT THE LEFT ONE!”
“Oh… whoops,” Doc said sheepishly.
“WHOOPS?!”
“Goddamn, dude. You’re like the fucking angel of death!” Tucker said to Doc. “Maybe you should look into a new line of work.”
“Hey! It’s not my fault I don’t know the biology of an alien species literally just discovered a few minutes ago!” Doc argued.
“It’s not like you needed to measure my metabolism or something! YOU JUST HAD TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEFT AND RIGHT!” Twilight bit her lip, forcing back the anger that came with her idiocy induced agony. Like it or not, Twilight was Equestria’s sole ambassador to this new world. Even if she was in immense pain with two dislocated limbs, and her hosts have been less than hospitable so far, Twilight was determined to be the better mare.
“You know what? It’s okay. If it’s just dislocated I can probably fix it myself. I know a few basic healing spells.” Twilight then closed her eyes and concentrated.
Focusing on the two dislocated limbs, Twilight poured magical energy into them. With another unnerving snap, she popped her left foreleg back into place. She then did the same with the other leg. When she opened her eyes again, she found that the four humans were all staring at her.
“Oh. My. God. THAT WAS AWESOME! YOU’RE LIKE A LIGHT SHOW!” Caboose exclaimed louder than he needed to. “Oh! Now I know why Tucker wanted to take you to a club! Can you play music also? Can you play the one that goes ‘bum bum-bop boop bip beep boop bum…’”
“What the fuck did you just do?” Church asked while Caboose continued singing a tuneless, wordless song.
“You mean my magic?” Twilight asked, realizing for the first time that they did not appear to have anything like it. “As a unicorn, I can manipulate the inherent magical energy in the air and transduce it into usable spells with my horn.”
“Really? Neat!” Doc exclaimed, stepping closer to examine Twilight’s horn. The purple armored medic tentatively reached out with a hand and touched the purple pony’s horn.
Twilight recoiled and raised a hoof in front of her magic wielding appendage. “Hey! Don’t touch my horn! It’s sensitive!”
“Hey, I have a sensitive horn too, but you won’t see me complaining if you touch it! Bow chicka bow wow!” Tucker completed his lewd statement with an equally lewd hand gesture to his crotch, making Twilight shift nervously again. Tucker definitely made her the most uncomfortable out of all of them.
“Really Tucker? Not even multicolored alien ponies are safe from your depravity?” Doc asked.
Tucker hesitated. “Okay, I may be into a lot of kinky shit, but I do draw the line at beastiality. That being said, you can’t expect me to just ignore a setup like that!”
Twilight glared at the aqua soldier. “Beastiality?” Did they think of her as an animal?
“MAGIC? SERIOUSLY? You couldn’t come up with something like, I don’t know… genetically developed telekinesis? Or the Force? Fucking Magic?!” Church yelled. With a sigh, the cobalt soldier calmed down. “You know what? Fuck it. I’ve seen weirder things, I guess.”
“Alright, what now?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, what now Church? Can we keep George? Pleeeeeease?” Caboose begged.
“George?” Of all the stupid pet names that Caboose could have come up with, Twilight thought “Sparky” or something would have made more sense.
“I promise I’ll take good care of her! I’ll feed her and take her on walks and let her outside and play fetch and give belly rubs… ”
“I’m pretty sure she has a home planet she needs to get back to,” Church said, “but I guess she can stay here for now… as long as she doesn’t bother me as much as you guys do, I really don’t give a shit.”
“Yes! This is going to be awesome!” Caboose exclaimed, lifting a very surprised Twilight Sparkle off the ground and giving her a tight hug. “Come on, George! I’m going to show you my room and the tank and the flag…”
Twilight heard Church give a drawn out sigh as Caboose carried her off toward one of the ramps leading down to the ground. Twilight made a similar sound. She found solace in the fact that nopony else from Equestria was around to see Princess Celestia’s prized student being carried around like a big stuffed toy.
The shining, decadent halls of Canterlot Castle resonated with distant, shouting voices. Spike and the five mares followed an armored pony through the halls towards the throne room, trying to make out the words being shouted. They exchanged uneasy looks as they approached the large double doors to the throne. Each of them recognized the sounds as that of the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“PERHAPS IF YOU WEREN’T KEEPING INFORMATION FROM US WE WOULD NOT HAVE NEEDED…”
“THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY YOU SENDING MY STUDENT ON AN ASSIGNMENT BEHIND MY BACK, SISTER!” The ponies were surprised when they recognized the second booming voice as Princess Celestia’s.
The guard escorting the group threw open the doors and stepped into the throne room, bowing low before addressing the Princesses. Both Royal Pony Sisters were standing at the foot of the throne, inches apart. They were glaring daggers into each other’s eyes.
“Your majesty, the Element Bearers as requested,” the guard proclaimed.
Princess Celestia’s gaze left her sister and nodded in the direction of the doors. The guard rose and stood aside for Twilight’s friends to enter. They were so shocked at the sight of Equestria’s rulers engaged in a shouting match that they almost forgot to bow… almost.
“How many times must I tell you all that is not necessary?” Celestia asked, approaching the five mares and Spike with a warm smile. The furious princess they had just seen was completely gone.
“At least once more, your majesty,” Rarity said, rising to her hooves with the others nevertheless.
Princess Luna chose this moment to show herself the doors, briskly walking past the five ponies without so much as a glance. She firmly slammed the doors behind her.
“I’m so sorry you had to see that. My sister and I are merely having a… disagreement,” Celestia said.
“A pretty loud disagreement…” Rainbow Dash muttered, clearing one of her ears with a hoof.
“As glad as I am to see you, Princess, I’m a little confused. We all thought you were out of the country,” Applejack said.
“Is that what Luna told you?” Celestia’s serene image faltered slightly, a bitter edge entering her voice. Celestia must have noticed the uncertain looks her subjects were giving her, as she quickly rectified her regal composure.
“Do not worry about my sister and I. We’ll be just fine.” The pure white alicorn briefly looked away and spoke in a more somber tone, “It’s not as if this is the worst fight we’ve had…”
The rest of the ponies in the room nodded. They didn’t need the Princess to elaborate on that particular point.
“Now, Spike. According to Arcane Star’s message, you witnessed Twilight Sparkle disappear,” Princess Celestia continued. “Can you elaborate in as much detail as you can on what exactly happened?”
Spike looked up at Celestia with uncertainty filling his features. He had trouble finding his words when he opened his mouth, but a gentle smile from the Princess urged him forwards. Soon, the words started spilling out of him, but unlike when he barged into Arcane Star's tent in the small hours of the morning, he was coherent.
Spike told the Princess about how he awoke in the night to find Twilight not in her bed. How he searched the whole camp for her and eventually thought to check the ship. How he saw Twilight doing something with the computer connected to the white helmet before she disappeared into thin air with a look of terror on her face.
It was after Spike told his story that Celestia gave her theory: that Twilight had been transported to another world entirely. The ponies were at a loss for words. The silence was broken by the sound of a small, soft voice.
“So, um… is there anything we can do to help her?” Fluttershy asked quietly, but with a certain level of urgency.
Celestia sighed and shook her head, “I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do but let the research team in Dodge City try to figure out how the alien device works. I’m sorry, I know how much you all want to help Twilight, but I think the best thing for you to do now is to return to Ponyville. I instructed Arcane Star to keep me updated on his progress, and I promise to send you any relevant information, but that’s it. I don’t want to risk losing any more of you.”
Celestia looked at the six pained faces before her with genuine sympathy. If there was one thing about her job that she hated, it was giving her beloved subjects bad news.
"Please try not to worry yourselves. Twilight is incredibly smart and courageous. Who knows? Perhaps she's finding her way back to us right now..."
It only took Caboose a few minutes to give Twilight the full tour of Blue Base. He started by showing her the tank parked outside a few feet from the base. The admittedly large and impressive metal contraption was apparently a vehicle equipped with a massive cannon on top. According to Caboose though, the tank wasn’t in full working order. He went to great lengths to deny he had anything to do with it.
It was after Caboose brought Twilight inside the base proper that she was saved by the timely appearance of Church and Tucker, who got Caboose to let her go with promises of chocolate. Twilight then asked about the blue flag with the emblem of a hawk and two crossed swords emblazoned across it, and Church struggled to explain why their army’s victory depended on protecting that flag.
Next, Twilight asked about the high-powered projectile weapons they all carried. Each of these “guns” appeared to be designed for different tactical situations, such as Church’s long range sniper rifle. Tucker then showed her his energy sword: a small device that emitted dual-pronged beams of plasma and light that Twilight admitted was actually pretty impressive. Though she was confused about why Tucker said “bow chicka bow wow” when she complimented his sword, but something told her she probably didn’t want to know.
It was then that another soldier came stumbling out of another room in the base. This one was wearing yellow armor and wasn’t carrying a weapon.
“Oh man… I was asleep for like, fifteen hours. Must have been one killer party!” the yellow armored person said. She was definitely female, and spoke in a way that reminded Twilight a lot of some of the ditzier ponies in Ponyville.
“Oh right. Twilight, this is Sister. Sister, Twilight,” Church half-heartedly introduced.
Twilight was about to ask whose sister she was before the young woman in question bent down and started rubbing her head (which she had to admit felt nice, but was an unwanted invasion of her personal space).
“Aw… what a cute dog!” Sister cooed.
“Ugh, I’m not a dog! I’m a pony!” Twilight groaned, batting away Sister’s hand with her hoof. The more conversations she had with these aliens, the less appealing the idea of being the first pony to make contact with them was.
“Oh yeah? If you’re not a dog then why are you being so defensive, huh?”
Twilight simply ground her teeth together, mentally chanting “love and tolerate” over and over. She needed to get back to Equestria and these people were the only ones who could help her. If she could just put a stop to these inane conversations, maybe they could actually do something to help.
“Sister, not every creature we find is a dog,” Tucker said. “I keep telling you that.”
“Thank you, Tucker,” Twilight said. “Now, I need to talk to you guys about…”
“Are you saying I wouldn’t know a dog when I see one?” Sister indignantly asked Tucker.
“Actually, I am! In fact, I'm not convinced you even know what a dog is!”
“People, please I…” Twilight kept trying to get their attention, but it was like she wasn’t even in the room anymore.
“Your face is a dog! How about that?” Sister retorted.
Caboose suddenly entered the room again. “Someone has a dog face? Where?”
“Oh my God. This is the most I’ve ever seen anyone argue over something so trivial. And I would know: I’ve been to a Republican primary debate,” Tucker said.
“How can you tell who looks like a dog? We’re wearing helmets!”
“Tucker, what were you doing at a primary? You don’t know the first thing about politics!” Church said.
Twilight sighed. “Guys, seriously…”
“Hell, I asked you who you voted for last election and you said ‘America!’” Church continued.
“Hey, those primaries are filled with tons of lonely politician chicks… that I could fill! Bow chicka bow...”
“EVERYONE! Stop bickering for a second and listen!” Satisfied that she finally had the group’s attention, Twilight collected herself and continued, “Now, I’m a long way from home and I need to get back, but I can’t do it alone. Like it or not, I’m in your world now and you all clearly understand it more than I do. Now, I know it may be hard…”
“Bow chicka bow wow!”
“... but if we all put our heads together and work this out, I know that we can figure out a way to get me back to Equestria!”
Twilight Sparkle looked to each of the armored humans before her, looking right into the visors of each of their helmets, encouraging them with her eyes instead of her words this time. Sister, then Tucker, then Caboose and finally Church met Twilight’s gaze.
“... Pass.”
“What?” Twilight took a step toward Church.
“I pass. I don’t wanna help!” With that, Church left the room.
Twilight turned to look at the three other blues that were left and saw that they didn’t seem too inclined to help her either. With a frustrated groan, Twilight left the room and ran after Church.
The cobalt soldier was outside, making his way around the building to one of the ramps that went up to the roof by the time Twilight caught him.
“Church, wait! Think about it,” Twilight desperately grasped for something that would convince the man to help her, “This is a chance for two races who have only just met to help each other! Think of what we could accomplish for both of our kinds!”
“Yeah, I’m not much of an ambassador, so I don’t really give a shit about any of that,” Church said as he turned and started ascending the ramp to the top of Blue Base.
“Even so, as a soldier you must realize it’s the right thing to do!”
“Hey, not only is my status as a soldier debatable, I haven’t done the right thing in years! Why would I start now? I’m on a hot streak!” Church arrived on top of the base with Twilight trailing behind him. “If you’re looking for the goodness of humanity, you’re in the wrong fucking canyon!”
“It’ll… be… an adventure?” Twilight was really grasping at straws by this point.
“Adventure???” Church suddenly whirled around and bent over so he was face to face (disregarding the helmet) with Twilight. His passive, uncaring words were suddenly laced with venom.
“The past five years of my life have been nothing but weird, crazy adventure after adventure where I’m either dying or losing the one person that’s important to me! I am done with adventure!”
As Church returned to his full height and turned away from her, Twilight heard something in the distance that sounded like a rhythm, but she ignored it. She thought of her friends, of Spike, of the Princess, and started to lose her voice as the possible reality of never seeing them again kicked in.
“If you don’t help me I could be trapped here forever! My friends, my family will never know what happened to me! Don’t you care?” Twilight could barely speak past the lump in her throat.
“Honestly? No Twilight, I don’t give a shit about what happens to you. You being here is not my problem. It’s yours.”
Twilight Sparkle remained in place, trying to form words with what felt like broken vocal chords. Here she was talking to an alien like she’d always dreamed of doing, and he shut her down in the coldest way she could imagine. Twilight then began to wonder if part of what made her so enamored with the prospect of meeting aliens was the idea that they would be just as interested in meeting her. But she meant nothing to him. Finally, Twilight reached her breaking point and all of her bottled up emotions came seeping out.
“Well FINE! You don’t want to help me? I’m just fine with that!” Twilight exclaimed, stomping her hoof on the concrete and struggling to maintain an even voice. “It figures: I finally get the chance to meet intelligent alien life, and they turn out to be the most stupid, self-centered bunch of… of flankholes I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting! I don’t need your help! I’m going to find someone who isn’t a complete jerk!”
As Twilight turned to head back down the ramp, head held up indignantly, she heard the distant rhythm that she realized had been constantly in the background growing louder into distant music.
“Yeah, well good luck with that!” Church scoffed. “The only people in this damn canyon are us and the…”
“What’s that?” Twilight asked. The music was definitely not in her head. Someone nearby was playing a very upbeat song, and it was getting louder.
“What?”
“That music…”
“What music…?” Church trailed off as the music got even louder. There was no way Church couldn’t have heard it now. It was currently the most overbearing sound in the canyon, along with another droning sound like an engine. “Oh, fuck…”
Church and Twilight looked out over the canyon just in time to see a vehicle carrying three soldiers in various shades of red armor clear a nearby hill and drive towards them.
“YEE-HAW!” one of them with a gruff southern accent cheered over the music and the vehicle’s engines. “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY FOR BLUES TO DIE!”