Chapter 3
Still a Feeling
She flew straight home. She did not stop to sleep – not even as the sun sank and the moon rose, and not even in the cold of the night. It was before dawn of the next morning when she arrived back in Ponyville, and as her hooves touched the ground, a thin blanket of fresh, powdery snow crunched beneath them. It was still falling, and in the light of the streetlamps, it twinkled, whipped, and whirled. It reminded her, like everything about Hearth's Warming, of a time in her life that part of her wished had never been.
“This time of year,” she sneered bitterly. “Glad I'm always so busy.”
She turned down a little alley, marked only by an old, crooked sign reading "Tack Street," and trudged into it. The snowfall could barely reach here, and whereas the rest of the town was covered in an ever-thickening blanket of snow, here there were only a few lonely flecks of white and scattered piles of brown slush on the cobblestones. She trod the path she knew by heart, avoiding the slippery, black ice that had formed here and there.
At last, she came to a door. It was unremarkable among its brethren; plain and oaken, with a brass placard reading “D.D.H.” It was, of course, unlocked, and had rarely been locked in all of the pegasus' time as a resident there. Derpy had little to steal, after all, and even before Dinky had gone to study at Princess Celestia's school, her mother would never have left her there alone for any length of time, so that there had rarely been cause.
She stumbled inside, and slipped out of her jacket and earmuffs, placing them on a coat rack beside the door. She took off her saddlebags, and dumped her muffins, now stale and mostly frozen, into the trash. Then, she wandered up the stairs, and headed for the bathroom. She wanted to warm herself up with a hot shower, but as she stepped towards her destination, she came face-to-face with her own image, reflected in the old, cloudy mirror above the sink.
Her eyes were fixed forward, as straight and true ahead as anypony's. They only ever did that when she was thinking clearly – completely in touch with herself and the world around her. How long had they been that way? She would not have been able to guess, even had she noticed them, but in truth, she did not notice them, at all.
What had drawn her gaze was beneath them: two icy streaks frozen into her fur; tears she could not even recall shedding, so numb had her long flight driven both her face and heart. She stepped into her shower, and let the hot, steaming water do away with them. Then, she stumbled to her bed, and lay herself down, not even bothering to dry her mane or tail. In some way that she did not fully understand, she felt too exhausted even to fall asleep. She only stared out the window, glad of the softness of the mattress and the warmth of the blankets piled on top of her. After awhile, however, she felt herself begin to relax, and the mist of slumber began to overtake her weary mind.
Boxxy won't expect me until late afternoon at the earliest, she thought. I'll just let myself wake up whenever I wake up.
Even as sleep began finally to take her, the sun began to rise, showing Derpy an image of dozens of tiny snowflakes, all made by hoof in Cloudsdale, battering themselves to pieces against the old, warped windowpanes. She hoped that she would not dream. For if she did, she could not imagine her dreams would be pleasant, and in the light of day, not even Princess Luna would be able to protect her or help her make sense of them.
In spite of her fear, her eyes fell slowly shut, and if she dreamed at all that day, she did not remember it.
***
It was late afternoon when she awoke, and though she probably could have gotten away with not showing up until the following morning, she decided to go in to work anyway, if only to turn the forms Queen Chrysalis had signed over to Boxxy.
Her mane looked a mess, of course, a product of her having slept with it wet, but she didn't care. She made the snap decision to stop by Sugar Cube Corner, and was unsurprised to see Pinkie Pie at the counter, smiling gleefully.
“Derpy!” she shouted. “I missed you yesterday! You want the usual?”
“Just one muffin, thanks,” said Derpy. “I don't even care what kind.”
Pinkie skipped to a nearby counter, and removed a blueberry muffin.
“Mr. Cake just made them; it's still warm!” she said, placing it in a small, brown paper bag.
“You... look a little odd, today,” said the pink earth pony. “Can't put my hoof on it. Are you feeling alright?”
“Oh,” said Derpy, quietly. “I slept with my mane wet. That's all.”
“Maybe that's what it is,” said Pinkie Pie, an eyebrow raised. “Here; I'll pick up the tab on this one.”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Derpy.
“Happy Hearth's Warming!” chimed the earth mare as Derpy turned, and stepped towards the door.
She munched on the muffin on her way to the EPS, and it put a bit of energy into her step. Still, however, she felt far too aware. She had made it the business of her life to not give consideration to the things that made her unhappy, but the last two days had left her with little else to consider.
“Maybe it's good for me to think for a change,” she said to herself as she approached the front door of the EPS hub.
As she stepped into the lounge, the door to Boxxy's office stood open. As she reached the top of the stairs, she saw the big pegasus' desk, still buried under the mound of paperwork. He was sitting behind it, as always, a pencil clutched in his teeth, and he was scribbling furiously at whatever document lay on the top of the heap. Noticing her, he finished it quickly, and moved it into a basket marked “Out,” which itself was stacked deeply with papers.
“I hate Hearth's Warming,” he grumbled, spitting his pencil into a cup.
“Join the club, Boxxy,” she said, quietly.
He looked up.
“You alright?” he asked.
“Huh?” Derpy remembered Pinkie Pie's comment. “Oh, I'm sorry I'm such a mess today. Do you have anything for me to do?”
“Nada,” he said. “Everything's already out for the day. You got the forms on that... eh... special delivery?”
“Sure thing,” she said, and she dropped the clipboard on his desk.
He rifled through the pages quickly, and removed the stack from the clipboard. He stapled them together, and pushed the stack to the side of his desk.
“Oh, yeah, a telegram came in for you yesterday afternoon,” he said, and he pulled a small, yellow card out of a drawer.
Derpy took it, and read.
DEAR PARENT OR GUARDIAN OF (and here, Dinky's name had been written in pencil)
DUE TO YOUR CHILD'S STATUS AS AN ELEMENTARY STUDENT, HE/SHE WILL COMPLETE FINAL EXAMINATIONS TODAY, AND SHOULD ARRIVE HOME BY TRAIN TOMORROW AFTERNOON BY WAY OF THE (and here, 5pm had likewise been penciled) TRAIN FROM CANTERLOT. PLEASE BE PRESENT OR MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO SEE THAT YOUR CHILD IS ESCORTED SAFELY HOME.
ADMINISTRATION, PRINCESS CELESTIA'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED UNICORNS
“I'm glad you showed up,” said Boxxy. “I couldn't help reading it – telegram service said it was urgent, so I figured somepony better. I was gonna send somepony to get her if you weren't here, but then Tiger Lily's baby came early last night, and Silver Script is covering three routes...”
“Oh, goodness,” said Derpy. “Is she alright?”
“Tiger Lily?' asked Boxxy. “I flew by and checked on her on my lunch break. She's fine; foal's fine. They're both fine. Imagine what mighta happened if she'da had to make that Chrysalis delivery, though.”
Saying these words, Boxxy Brown actually smiled at Derpy Hooves, and gave her a look of genuine admiration.
“Yeah,” mumbled Derpy, more to herself than Boxxy. “Imagine.”
“Well, it's almost five now,” said Boxxy. “Guess you'd better head to the train station.”
***
Derpy waited at the train station, her eyes fixed on a small hill in the distance: Ponyville Memorial Garden.
“Memorial Garden,” she grumbled to herself. “Why don't they just call a cemetery a cemetery? It's like how everypony says somepony 'passed away' or 'isn't with us anymore.' Dead is dead. Why can't anypony deal with it?”
“Oh, hello, Derpy,” said a pleasant voice from just behind her.
She glanced back over her shoulder, and saw, to her mild surprise, a purple alicorn clad in a white parka.
“Princess Twilight,” she said, turning around and offering a smile in an effort to be respectful. Twilight would have none of her bowing or calling her “highness,” but Derpy would at least do her the honor of facing her to speak – even if she didn't really feel like standing face-to-face with anypony right now, least of all a princess.
Twilight Sparkle recoiled ever-so-slightly.
“Is something wrong?” asked the alicorn.
“Nothing,” Derpy lied. “What would make you think so?”
“Well, okay,” said Twilight. “You just look a little off, somehow.”
“My eyes?” asked Derpy.
“Yeah,” said Twilight.
Derpy wasn't surprised. By now, even she had noticed their peculiar realignment.
“They do straighten up from time to time,” said the pegasus, and even as she spoke she realized that the melancholy in her voice would do little to assuage the Princess' worries.
“Well, there is that,” said Twilight, “but I meant... They look so tired.”
“They do that from time to time, too,” said Derpy.
Twilight said nothing, but scratched at her right foreleg with her left. She seemed uncomfortable, and Derpy felt guilty. Here was a princess, and she had managed to give even her a few moments of awkwardness and discomfort.
“Sorry,” said the pegasus, and she turned away to look down the tracks.
“It's okay,” said Twilight, “Who are you waiting for?”
“Dinky gets home from school today,” said Derpy.
“Oh, fun!” said Twilight. “She's going to have so much to tell you!”
Derpy smiled a little at this, and then a thought crossed her mind.
“Who are you waiting for?” she asked.
“Oh,” said Twilight. “Shining Armor and Cadance are coming to visit for Hearth's Warming. They stopped by Canterlot to see Celestia on the way... and Princess Luna, I guess, but who knows where she is and what she's doing most of the time, right?”
“Probably sleeps most of the day,” Derpy said, thinking back to her day's long nap.
“Probably,” said Twilight, not at all noticing the slight note of irony in Derpy's voice. “Here comes the train!” She pointed a hoof, and Derpy's eyes followed.
Indeed, the train was rumbling down the tracks towards the station, and as it screeched to a halt, Derpy's heart couldn't help but surge with a little joy and hope.
Dinky was home.
“Come with me,” said Twilight. “When I was in school, they used to send the out-of-town students home on the first class car. Yours probably won't be too far from mine,” said Twilight.
Twilight trotted towards one of the cars, and Derpy followed. It was only a few moments before three ponies emerged from the car: a prince, a princess, and a tiny mauve-colored foal, all bundled up in thick winter clothes.
Dinky was talking to Princess Cadance, who was smiling and laughing, her eyes squeezed so tightly shut in her amusement that tears squeezed from their corners. If not for that, Derpy would have been apprehensive to know her daughter was speaking to a pony of such importance. As it was, however, the sight put her at ease.
And then, Dinky saw her.
“Mommy!”
The word was like warm tea on a frigid day – and a frigid day, it was.
The little unicorn ran to her mother and shoved her face into her chest, nuzzling her as tightly as Derpy could ever remember. She responded by bending down to hug her with her neck. After several seconds, she release her.
“Did you have fun?” asked Derpy.
“Uh-huh,” said Dinky.
“And did you learn anything?” asked Derpy.
“Watch this!” said Dinky.
She backed a few paces away from her mother, and pointed her horn straight up. There was a crackling and sparking at its tip, and then a brief gout of pure, red fire shot straight upward, illuminating the entire area briefly.
“Wow.” said Derpy, being not in the least facetious.
Just like him, she thought.
“Careful with that!” Derpy heard Twilight Sparkle shout in clear admonishment.
The pegasus turned her head to see Twilight gathering herself to her full height from a bizarre posture, her rump raised into the air, made all the more absurd by the fact that Princess Cadance mirrored it. She had little time to ponder this odd state of affairs before Twilight trotted gingerly over and stopped in front of her daughter.
“Sorry, Princess,” said Dinky, and she dropped her head.
“It's okay,” said Twilight. “Just remember: lots of things burn. You can't cast a spell like that just anywhere, anytime.”
“I know,” said Dinky, sullenly. “It's just... It's the only thing I'm good at, and I wanted to show Mommy.”
“That's okay,” said Twilight. “Just show her outside of town – preferably over a nice, big lake.” The alicorn's face took on a look of contemplation for a moment. “And come get me first, okay?” She thought for a moment longer, “In fact, never do that at all, unless you have my expressed permission.”
She snickered.
“Goodness, I sound just like Princess Celestia.”
“I apologize, Twilight,” said Derpy. "Guess it wasn't a good idea for them to teach her that."
“They didn't," said Twilight Sparkle. "They don't teach anything like that at all until your senior year of high school, and then it's only for military applicants. She must have figured that one out on her own."
"Really?" asked Derpy. "Oh, dear."
"I'm not as good as everypony else at most spells," said Dinky, "but Princess Celestia said she was glad she found me when she did, anyway."
"Celestia probably didn't mean that quite the way Dinky thinks," whispered Twilight, leaning close to Derpy's ear, "but still, it is a good thing."
"Don't worry," said Twilight, speaking plainly, now. "Princess Celestia had to reign me in a time or two when I was her age. She'll do fine.”
Twilight trotted away to speak to her brother, and Derpy was surprised to see Princess Cadance approaching.
“Uh, hi,” said Derpy, bowing slightly.
“Hello,” said Cadance. “I'm guessing this one's yours?” She indicated Dinky with a hoof. “She kept me very entertained on the way here.”
Dinky blushed, and edged in closer to her mother.
“I hope she wasn't any trouble,” said Derpy.
“Not at all,” said Cadance. “I love children. I used to... Ah, never mind.”
The alicorn shot a peculiar glance towards Twilight Sparkle that Derpy couldn't quite decipher.
“Well,” said Derpy, “Thank you for looking after Dinky. We'll get out of your way. Enjoy your visit”
She turned, wrapping a wing around Dinky's hindquarters to guide her.
“Wait,” said Cadance.
“Hmm?” Derpy grunted, stopping, and turning back towards the Princess.
“Dinky,” said Cadance, “I bet Twi... Princess Twilight would love to hear about what you've been studying at school. Could you go talk to her for a minute?”
“Okay!” Dinky almost shouted, and she was off towards where Twilight stood talking to her brother.
Princess Cadance watched her go, and as she approached him, Shining Armor looked up towards his wife, who gave him a little wave, and a smile. He returned a knowing look, and then looked down at the little, excited unicorn filly as she proceeded to begin an exchange with the Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Now, Cadance, turned back towards Derpy.
“What's wrong?” she asked.
“Wrong?” asked Derpy, evasively. “My daughter's home early for Hearth's Warming,” she said. “What could be wrong?”
“I get this weird feeling from you,” said Cadance. “You seem sad, somehow. Deep down, you know? Where it means something.”
“I'm just a little tired from work,” said Derpy. “I had a... rough delivery... yesterday.”
“Is that all?” asked Princess Cadance.
“Huh?” was Derpy's only response.
“Listen... What was your name? When she talks about you, Dinky just calls you 'Mommy,'” laughed the alicorn.
“It's... Dit... Derpy... Derpy Hooves.”
“Well, Derpy,” said Cadance, “You know I can sort of feel what other ponies feel, right?”
“Oh,” said Derpy. ”You know hearts, then?” The question was flatly spoken and bore a faint note of accusation that Derpy had not intended.
“Huh?” said Cadance, and she withdrew slightly, and gnawed at her lower lip. “Well, no.”
“Excuse me,” said Derpy. “That came out wrong.”
“I just get feelings from other ponies,” said the Princess. “I mean, I can... make them love, in a way, but I can really only make them feel the best part of what they already feel; see the best part of what they already see.”
“But you understand hearts, then?” said Derpy.
“No,” said Cadance, shaking her head. “I don't understand hearts, at all. I don't know why anypony feels... anything. I don't know what makes anypony love or hate or anything. I know it's all beautiful, though.”
“You really think so?” asked Derpy. “All of it?”
“Yes, all of it,” said Cadance. “Even the feelings that are...” and here she hesitated. “Hard to feel,” she finally said, and she cleared her throat quietly.
Derpy said nothing; she was too ashamed. Princess Cadance stood there in silence awaiting a response. Finally, after a few seconds, she spoke.
“I'm sorry, Derpy,” she said. “It wasn't my place.”
“No,” said Derpy. “It's okay.”
As Cadance turned to walk towards where Dinky still stood speaking to her husband and sister-in-law, Derpy bit into her lip so hard that she almost drew blood. Then, she spoke.
“Princess!” was all that she said.
“Yes?” asked the alicorn, looking back over her shoulder.
“What makes those feelings... the hard ones... what makes them beautiful to you? How can a thing like sorrow or grief or loneliness ever be beautiful?”
“Because, Derpy Hooves,” said Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, "those feelings prove to us that we can still feel, and as long as we can still feel, we can still love."
"But love is a decision," said Derpy. "Not just a feeling."
"You're right," said the alicorn, "but it is still a feeling, Derpy. The decision is really just whether or not to let yourself feel it."
Princess Cadance smiled as she said this, and Derpy could think of nothing else to say. She smiled back, and the princess nodded.
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Derpy Hooves," she said, and she walked away towards her husband and sister.